5 Year Journal Day 306

      Today's prompt is "Are you able to tell when you have enough?" Yes.

     It is 3:54 am here and I cannot sleep because I am too hot. I have gotten up several times already, and have tossed and turned and thrown the blanket on and off. I finally decided to get out of bed and write. Yesterday I slept in until noon, when my dad called me. I probably could have slept all day. I was that tired and aching. I did not want to leave my bed. When my dad called, though, I got up and started my day. I missed breakfast and had a late lunch of the mixed cuts of beef I made a couple days ago, with butter. I also had a roasted red bell pepper I bought from Fresh Market the day before yesterday. I shopped online for a car jumpstarter for my dad at Harbor Freight, then I shopped at Michael's online for stuff to decorate the house. 

     Eventually, after my appointment with Dr. Karels, I got up and began to clean up the kitchen a bit. I found the roasting pan, and decided that I would roast some vegetables in the oven. I had a lot of vegetables that have been in the fridge for about a week now, so, I decided to cook them all at once. I layered them with eggplants on the bottom, then green beans, then asparagus, then zucchini, and yellow squash. I poured olive oil on top and seasoned with salt and pepper. I then put the pan in the oven at 375 degrees for 30 minutes, and wal-lah! All the vegetables cooked at once. Caleb and I had some of each vegetable with dinner. It turned out pretty good. Caleb doesn't like eggplants though, so I didn't give him any. 

     My mom called before my appointment with Dr. Karels, and let me know she was at the hospital with Kenneth again because he had fluid in his lungs again. 

     I discussed with Dr. Karels how I am doing in the Virta program so far. It has only been a week, but I have already seen changes. The day before yesterday, for example, I had a glucose reading of 97 for the first time ever! When I weighed in on Tuesday, I was 3.6lbs. lighter than the previous Tuesday when I started. I am suffering from the keto flu still, and also struggling with portion sizes, but I have given up everything Virta said to give up successfully. I have not cheated. I had guacamole, but I did not know I could not have it during the first 30 days, along with diet soda. I will avoid the avocado, but not the diet Dew. 

     Dr. Karels is happy for me, and proud of what I am doing to get healthy. 

     Caleb and I watched some "old" music videos on youtube on the tv. We had a good time, as they were music videos that came out when I was in middle school or high school. I knew the words and sang to him some of the songs that were from artists he probably didn't think I knew. They were rap and hip-hop artists like Outkast, Dr. Dre, and Bone Thungs N Harmony. I started to cry when I listened to "Crossroads" by Bone Thugs N Harmony. It felt kind of like a flashback. I was in middle school when that song was popular, and I distinctly remember it from when a classmate of mine shot himself in the head, while high and playing Russian Roulette with his "friends" who ran away and left him to die in the front yard. 

     After hearing an Outkast song, I posted on Facebook some of the lyrics to my siblings, and said "To ALL my siblings: "I know you like to think your shit don't stink, but lean a little bit closer and see if roses really smell like poo poo poo." Mathew de Mello, Sherri McCracken, and Eric Barker. " My mom text me and said "Jennifer that's not nice to put on fb. You know the saying if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all."

     I got emotionally charged after that text message was read. I almost couldn't go to sleep. I responded with , "They blocked me!! How about reprimanding them". I don't think we live in the same world sometimes. I know she doesn't realize that those are lyrics from an old song. 

     The holidays are coming up and I have alot of family members who have blocked me for one reason or another. I need to create my own extended family. I don't deserve to be mistreated and left out. 

     Anyway, I got the business cards I ordered in a ziploc bag. I guess the box they were shipped in got destroyed.

     I watched some of my Breathe4Change videos the other night when I couldn't fall asleep. They were about cultural appropriation and the history of yoga practice. It was interesting. 

     I got an email from Oceanview United Methodist Church. It was about my request to have help paying for the plumbing bills. I filled out the paperwork, and will be getting help. Amen!

     Meanwhile, I ordered some Mixtiles, which are photos in light weight frames in a square shape that stick to the wall. Today, I ordered some things from Michael's to decorate around the photos. I can't wait to get them all in the mail!

     Caleb just woke up. It is now 4:39 am here. 

     I am trying to get some work done on my house scheduled. I need estimates of how much it will cost before I can agree to do what needs to be done. I have a list of repairs that need to be done. First I have to get Caleb to clean up his messes so we can get in and out of the house without falling! Same shit, different day. I just cleaned up alot of the living room, and now it's back to way it was. 

     I am trying to prepare to have the house appraised for refinancing the house. It has to pass a VA inspection in order to be able to finalize a new mortgage. 

     Caleb got one section more of his test completed. He has about 5 more sections to go. I hope to get a few knocked out today before my pool physical therapy appointment this afternoon. Hopefully we can get it in the mail to be graded in the next few days. I bought him the books, 1984 by George Orwell, and The Lord of the Flies to read this year with me. We both a have a copy to be able to read together. 

     Bella is awake now and wants some love. She's such a sweet girl.

     I am trying to declutter the house. I have stuff I don't use, or have not even seen in years. That stuff can either be trashed or given away. Caleb has clothes that are too small and can be given away. We just have to find them all in his messy room. 

     I called the Child Support Enforcement office the day before yesterday and got a call back yesterday. They are going to try to locate Nigel to dis-establish paternity. Once they locate him, they will mail him a letter. He will need to do a DNA test, and the CSE social worker will go to court and do the legal proceedings necessary to move on to the next steps. 

     I call my dad every morning and start the day off joking about how it is to get old and be in pain. Us veterans have to stick together. We talk about what we are going to try to accomplish during the day and thoughts that have been bothering us. He brings up how my mom behaved when I was a little girl alot. He doesn't understand how she could just leave her kids and start a new life without us being involved. He can't comprehend doing the same things she did. Apparently she paid child support as if she were making minimum wage for all our lives.  She paid $250/month to support both Mathew and me. I went without new clothes for my high school years, until I got a job. I didn't have a prom dress that fit me. I didn't buy senior photos. I never got my hair done or cut. Meanwhile, Sherri is going to pageants and having modelling photos taken.  We weren't treated equally for sure. 

     Caleb went back to sleep. It is now 5:21 am here. 

      My dad asks me what is going to happen to my mom when Kenneth dies. I told him that I don't know. He worries about my mom, because she is still my mom. He says he loved the woman he married. She gave him 2 children, he says. He wonders if she will be able to pay to her bills without a second income. He wants to know where she will live if she can't make the payments on her house. After last night's text, it hit me. Dad asked if I would claim her as my dependent and have her live with me. I told him, I guess, if I had to. The thing is, when I was in need, when I came home after being discharged from the Army , from Korea... Caleb and I went to stay with her. We stayed with my mom for all of 2 weeks before she practically kicked us out. I was exhausted. I was depressed. I was confused about where to go to look for housing as I am not from Georgia. I was having to start my life over, and she didn't even give me the time I needed to recover from coming back from Korea before making us move out of her house. I thought about that last night. How should I treat her if she needs a place to live all of a sudden? 

     He talks about how his dad left him to live with his grandmother who was mentally ill. He was abused as a child, among other traumas. He talks about how my grandpa did not even send him money for lunch at school. His mother died when he was only 3 days old. She was a maid in my grandpa's home. She was not looked upon as human, and her remains were not buried when she died. My grandpa came to the United States for college and left him behind for about 17 years before my dad was brought to the United States. My dad was an "illegitimate" child , a "bastard" child. This is highly looked down upon in Brazil. 

     I am still giving off alot of heat. I am so freakin hot right now and I am sitting in the path of the air conditioned air flow. It's really ridiculous. I wish I could feel cold so I could sleep at night. I keep it cold in the house, but I can't feel the cold. I feel hot all of the time. 

     There is a guy who wants to date me, I think. He either doesn't know how to have a decent conversation and/or is a fake. I feel like his responses are scripted. I am on the verge of blocking altogether. He friend requested me on facebook, and after seeing that we have veteran friends in common, I accepted. I don't think it's something I want to pursue. 

     Caleb is back up again. LOL. 

     I think I might look through my binder and notes, and see what else I need to get done today. 

      

     

     

5 Year Journal Day 305

     Today's prompt is "Camping or hotel?" Hotel. I love air conditioning.

      It is now 11:35 pm on Saturday. I can't fall asleep. I am on day 5 of the Virta strict keto diet. Tonight was my first night taking the magnesium supplement that was included in the Virta starter kit. I was having cramps in my calves while trying to sleep. Cramps are a sign that I might need to take the magnesium supplement. 

     Day 1 of Virta total immersion of strict keto was August 31, Tuesday. I stayed at home, if I remember correctly, so I was not tempted to eat non-Virta-friendly foods. I managed to keep my carbohydrates under the prescribed 30 grams, and my protein under the prescribed 13 ounces. It took some research as I wanted to make a salad. I had to look up every ingredient I wanted to use for the nutritional facts to determine how much of each I could have. It was work, and I was already hungry. I wrote down what I found out, and came up with a salad that meets the specifications of my prescribed dietary changes. It's a good size, and tasty. 

     Day 2 of Virta was easier because I could just rely on my notes for the salad , which is where I get almost all of my carbs. Also, I learned to add salt to my foods and drink bouillon that was included in the starter kit. Made a huge difference in how I felt right away! I also learned how easy it is to add more fat to my meals, especially my salad where I use olive oil as part of the dressing. 

     Day 3 was about the same, although I decided to cook chicken thighs in the oven for dinner. I had to look that up to make sure I would not overeat protein. 

     Day 4 I had leftover chicken thighs and salad, so no new research.

     That brings us to today. I have not been sleeping well since starting the diet.  Not eating as many carbs has changed the way I feel. When I lay down, I do not always feel like I am in my bed. Sometimes I feel like I am floating. I do not like this feeling, as it is not comfortable. 

     I definitely have the keto flu. I am tired and have no energy. I struggled to get very few things done today. 

     Tuesday was also pay day, which means that I spent a couple of hours paying bills and looking over my accounts. I was exhausted after that. I try to budget and plan, but that only goes so far. If I don't have the money, I just don't have the money. 

     I also had a physical therapy appointment at the office on Tuesday morning. I had a re-evaluation with Nick. He thinks I could use about 8 more appointments in addition to the ones I have scheduled.

     Thursday, I had physical therapy in the pool with Amy. It seemed easy in the pool, but I was sore when I got out of the pool.

     Friday was awful. I was supposed to go to an appointment , but I stayed in bed. I was sooo tired. I slept practically all day and still woke up tired because I was not sleeping normally. I was keto sleeping, which isn't the same. 

     Today I woke up at an ok time. I took forever to get moving and doing things that needed to be done around the house. Caleb's messes are everywhere. I meant to clean the kitchen, but only got halfway through. I tried to get all the trash and recycling out of the house, but only got halfway through that too. I was supposed to fold the clean laundry and put it away, but I never got to that. I was supposed to wash Bella's face and ears and apply cream to them both, but I never did that either. I was just dragging ass all day long. Nothing I was doing was helping. I had my bouillon drink. No change in how I felt. I had something to eat. No change either. I had caffeine drink, my choice of Diet Mountain Dew. No change. Still tired as fuck.

     It's now 12:02 am here. I wonder how many other people have this experience when changing over to a keto lifestyle. It must be alot of people for them to name it the keto flu.   

     I am still having trouble getting the rest of Caleb's end-of-year testing done. I have already paid a high late fee bill because I have had the materials longer than expected. I feel torn between all the things I have to do. I might have to put Caleb back in public school. I don't want to though. Already there was a shooting at New Hanover High School, and 2 incidents that required Shallotte Middle School and Western Brunswick High School to be evacuated and cleared by the sheriff's department. 

     I have not been keeping up with my studies for the Breathe4Change yoga for educators program that I enrolled in. I am not behind, but I do not want to fall behind either. 

     Monday is Labor Day, and I am glad because I need a break from appointments. 

     Kenneth is doing better since having his lungs drained a second time, as far as I know. Mom sounded like her normal happy self today when she called. 

     Caleb is almost 13 years old and he is already acting like a moody teenager. I wish I could regulate his hormones! LOL

      I guess I don't have much more to say tonight. I still awake... just nothing processing through the ol' noggin.