It's been a long time since I last blogged. I haven't been getting up early in the morning without Caleb getting up. It's winter break and Caleb is home for the rest of the week. He was home all last week. He had finals the week before that, but was exempted from taking them. It hasn't been easy. Caleb is not easy to live with.
It is now 0426. I just made myself a tuna sandwich that I wanted for dinner but could not make because my back was in too much pain to stand up. I had a can of Progresso Chicken and Sausage Gumbo for dinner that Caleb heated up for me instead. You see I had a long day yesterday. I woke up around 0730 and slowly woke up, had a bagel for breakfast, and took my morning medications. Caleb woke up and I gave him his medications. I slowly got ready for my 0950 therapy appointment online with Richelle. I managed to wash my face, comb my hair, grease my hair, and brush it the way I like it to be able to work. I use to grease my hair everyday when I was in basic training after I got yelled at for having frizzy curls sticking out of my head that apparently made me "out of uniform." I decided that greasing my hair was a better way to tame my hair then using hairspray or gel, as it was moisturizing and not damaging to my hair. Anyway, I was able to apply my deodorant and body spray all before my virtual therapy appointment. I can do these things easily on my good days, but not on the days where I am struggling.
I made it to my virtual therapy appointment early, and we were able to catch up on what is going on in my life. The biggest thing we talked about was how much Caleb stresses me out and that he might need to be put in a group home because I am not equipped to handle his needs and demands. You see the night before, Caleb called the police on me. He believed that I was threatening him when I was telling him the consequences of his behavior when I told him , "You are going to a group home." The police came and talked to Caleb about calling 9-1-1 for anything other than emergency services. The officer talked with Caleb on the front porch when he arrived, and then came to talk to me as I was sitting in my chair at the dining table calmly and clear-headed. I prefaced the entire conversation with, " Caleb has Autism, ADHD, ODD, and PTSD." I feel like that is the most important thing for any stranger to know about Caleb before they determine how he is acting to be "Out of the ordinary" for a teenager his age. I went on the tell the officer that I am a disabled veteran doing my best to get Caleb the help he needs. The entire problem began with me telling Caleb that I needed him to clean his room by picking up everything off the floor so I could shampoo the carpet in his room. He wanted to aruge and threatened to beat me up if I did not shut the hell up. He threatened me violence a second time in the argument, but I can't remember what exactly he said. He argued that he had been cleaning his room during the day and got really mad when I continued to ask questions to verify what he had accomplished. I told him if I looked in his room, I would see no change from the last time I looked in there, meaning nothing had been cleaned. I got angry because I have told him numerous times to get the recycling out of his room. I have also told him numerous times to pick up the trash in his room. I know he understand what each thing is and is able to pick up them up and put them in a bag and dispose of each bag properly. It is not outside of his understanding. He got angry when suggested that he hadn't done anything in his room because I had not seen him leave his room with either trash nor recycling. I also told him that I needed him to move his dirty laundry to to the laundry room so I could wash them all. That was not done either. Naturally I was getting frustrated by how simple my directions were and how much Caleb neglected to help out by not cleaning his own room which smells soooo bad that I want to vomit when he opens his bedroom door.
That happened on Sunday. The police officer told Caleb that I am the adult and he is the juvenile, and "Mom's house, Mom's rules." He also brought up that he has a 13 year old at home and there are days where they butt heads and need to separate from eachother. He and the lady officer left us with a mobile crisis phone number to call to help when situations get tough between Caleb and me.
Earlier Sunday afternoon, Caleb and I went to Food Lion to pick up some tortilla chips and applesauce. Of course I had to buy more than that while I was there and then got the idea to order Chinese food for lunch, but they were closed for the day, so we went to Lowe's Foods because I wanted to buy a fruit bowl. While we were there, we bought some lunch and saw a familiar face behind the deli counter. It was Kayla, who we knew from when I got piercings and tattoos at Inklanation. Caleb recognized her before I did. I was able to get Nana and myself Reuben paninis and Caleb a fresh baked single serving pizza. I thought I was doing good when I got home and was able to continue washing the laundry, folding it and putting it away.
Anyway, so back to yesterday. I continued the laundry to the best of my ability. We ran out to Lowe's to replace the shop vac that Caleb broke by being careless. It was brand new and not cheap. While at Lowe's we also were able to buy a plastic rake which I use to grab things from under the beds and pile things on the floor when I am cleaning to save my back from more pain. The cashier gave us a discount on the rake when he heard that I might not be able to afford both the shop vac and rake. Caleb was asking for work gloves, and I knew I certianly did not have enough money for them. We came home and Caleb made everybody grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch after he put the shop vac together for me. While he was cooking, I was using the shop vac to vacuum the hallway which has not been vacuumed in many months. I had to try to get up what I could and pull the carpet fibers up and get hair up as much as possible before I could use the pet vac to follow up. I was able to clear the hallway and begin shop vac'ing the carpet both in the hallway and in Nana's room on her walkway. I did not check to see how much debris I shop vac'd up but I'm sure it was alot. Caleb made me a double cheese grilled cheese sandwich with Colby Jack cheese and Muenster cheese, just the way I like it. I took a break when Caleb said my sandwich was ready. I allowed myself to cool down and eat and drink for my lunch. I have recently stopped drinking so much Gatorade Zero and just switched to drinking Spring Water by itself. I am able to take my medications just as easily and it doesn't bother me as much as it use to. I normally would drink a gallon of Gatorade Zero a day because I take so many pills, and none of them taste good. The flavor of the Gatorade Zero masks the flavor of the medications and supplements I take throughout the entire day.
The sandwich was delicious. I love that blend of cheese, and I love melted cheeses in general. After my lunch settled, I returned to working on the cleaning the hallway. I was ready to pet vac the hallway and Nana's walkway in her bedroom. I slowly pet vac'd over and over the carpet to make sure I was getting as much dirt and dog hair as possible. By then I had two loads of freshly cleaned laundry waiting for me on my bed to fold and put away. I then began using the carpet shampooer to remove the build up nastiness in the carpet. It began smelling better right away. I noticed I was having trouble suctioning up the fluid with the shampooer but did not know how to remedy the problem. I did clean out the part of it that I knew how to clean out, but I feel like dog hair is clogged somewhere that I can't reach and need to find a manual online to learn how to clean the hose. I got about 2/3 of the hallway shampooed, but not fully suctioned, so still dirty. By then my back was in alot of pain and I needed to stop for the day and could not repair the carpet shampooer. I was able to get some dishes washed and make Nana a tuna sandwich for her dinner, but I was not able to make my own tuna sandwich as I needed to sit and rest. Nana applied 2 lidocaine patches on my back before I started the day, and replaced them before I went to lie down with 2 new patches to relieve my back pain.
Nana did not know that Caleb called the police on me until I told her yesterday. I had a long discussion with Nana during one of my breaks about what had happened, and why I was telling Caleb he was going to go to group home. He made it sound like I was abusive, but when Nana heard what he did, she said he was abusive, and she is right.
So I was hoping this Winter break would go differently than what it is has been. Caleb came home the Friday before last and was finished with school for that semester and ready for break time. I wanted to begin cleaning the house right away on Saturday because I knew how long it would take with my limitations and Caleb's problematic behavior. The first week Caleb was off from school, he left the house nearly everyday multiple times a day without my permission. He kept taking off to go to his friend Blake's house. Blake is only 10 years old by the way and lives multiple streets away. It was frustrating as Hell. I was exhausted from the stresses of the school year so far, my declining health, and Caleb's behavior. I could not get Caleb to stop watching the dumbass videos he can't stop watching or playing video games to get the simplest of tasks done. Like I mentioned earlier, I have been telling him to move his laundry to the laundry room, take out the trash from his room, take out the recycling from his room, and remove the dishes from his room repeatedly. Instead of getting it done, he gets angry that I won't leave him alone. Meanwhile, I removed the trash from my room, removed the dirty laundry from my room, and tried to begin organizing my room.
Caleb and I argued and fought nearly everyday last week, if not everyday. It's exhausting and draining and a waste of my limited energy. I recently applied to get us into family mediated virtual ABA therapy for Autism and was approved. I start the parent training on this Thursday. It's with a company called "Forta."
So how did Christmas go? Nana and I slept through almost the entire day. which is normal for Nana. but for me. I had planned on cooking a half ham, sweet potatoes, green beans, dinner rolls, macaroni and cheese to have for Christmas dinner, but that didn't happen. I was able to cook the ham,mac n cheese, and dinner rolls the next day but got too tired to cook anymore than that. The Christmas ham takes alot of prep time because all spice is inserted where I scored the ham. Then pineapple rings and marachino cherries are put onto the ham by sticking toothpicks in them and then into the ham.
The day before Christmas, I baked a pumpkin pie and a apple crumb pie. Earlier in the season I applied to the Soldiers' Angels Christmas sponsorship program knowing that I would not have enough money to buy Caleb any gifts. I was able to buy Nana a nice bathrobe and 2 new quick dry Dock & Bay waffle knit extra large bath towels on a payment plan and on sale. Nana bought special olives for us to eat, along with a special platter of petit fors and sausages, cheeses, and crackers to snack on Christmas day. We also had cinnamon rolls I could bake for breakfast and the Panettone arrived the day before Christmas! We still haven't eaten the lil smokies we bought, and I have yet to cook the fresh green beans I bought. I also bought broccoli florets and cut cauliflower to dip in Thousand Island dressing aqnd munch on. It was supposed to an all-week Chrsitmas food celebration with lots of leftovers expected. And there were plenty of leftovers of the ham. Caleb ate half the party tray of Stouffer's mac n cheese that I made, so Nana and I only had two dinners with mac n cheese from that tray. Caleb told me he didn't like that mac n cheese because he couldn't taste it, and when I woke up in the middle of the night, the mac n cheese was out on top of the stove and mostly gone! I decided I still wanted mac n cheese and bought another party tray. Nana and I had one dinner from that dinner with the leftover ham, and Caleb ate the rest of the tray!
Even though Caleb did not deserve to get presents for Christmas, he woke me up Christmas morning to harrass me about opening boxes. He opened the first box which was a Norelco electric shaver. The second package was the Fortnite miniature set he told me wanted some months ago when we were dumpster diving in our front yard and he did most of the work. He was happy about that when he saw it. Both of those packages were from our sponsor at Soldiers' Angels. He had one more box to open but I did not tell him about it. I went back to sleep exhausted. He opened the third package on a different day. It was a Nautica gift set of colgne and body spray that smells good on him. He was happy about that, and I told him not to apply it before he took a shower.
Speaking of which... Nana let me know that she was wanting to take a long shower and we talked about how I needed to clear the shower drain of my hair first because the water was too slown to drain. I also wanted to clean the shower and bathtub out before she took her shower. I have been wanting to clean the bathroom for a long time now, and have been so focused on trying to keep up with cleaning the kitchen that I never have the time or energy to get other areas clean! I finally decided that I was going to make it happen so Nana could have a safe and enjoyable clean shower/bathtub time and I removed everything from the shower and bathtub, cleared the drain of a ton of my hair, and sprayed the Scrubbing Bubbles with bleach on everything before scrubbing it everywhere and rinsing it clean. I was so happy to do that for Nana, and ultimately all of us.
Another accomplishment Caleb and I did together was replace the mattress protectors on both my bed and Nana's bed. I gave Caleb the mattress protector to replace the one on his bed, but he never did it. Big surprise.
I am hoping to have the house cleaned up before Caleb goes back to school on Monday. I can't do everything by myself. I need help from Caleb, especially in cleaning his room.
Today is Tuesday and we only have until Sunday to make things happen and start the new year off right. Today is New Year's Eve and also Caleb's 16th birthday. I am not making a big deal about it because I am flat broke and Caleb's behavior has been horrible.
I am trying to catch up on all the laundry Caleb has all around the house, get his room cleaned, clean my room, organize the living room and clean it and organize my workspace. I am saving cleaning Nana's room for when Caleb is back in school, as well as cleaning out the kitchen.
I just remembered that during one of my arguments with Caleb he brought up that he was abused by Billy, Christinia, and my dad and that I only stuck up for him when it was my dad. I don't ever remember Caleb telling me anything about Christinia abusing him. I will have to probe when things are calm. Billy too. What did they do that I am unaware about? My dad lost his temper and was choking Caleb when he was 10 years old and having an outburst. He later attempted suicide by inhaling aerosol duster and had to be hospitalized and put in long term psychiatric care. Caleb blames me for the abuses done by others in our lives. Why is that? How was I supposed to know that things would happen the way they did? Why am I hearing about them now, years later when nothing can be done about it? Why am I responsible for the actions of others that I had no clue about? Why am I responsible for the actions of others, period? Why do I bear the burden of Caleb's anger when it should be directed at the people who abused him? I will be bringing this stuff up to his next therapy appointment even if I have to print this blog out and take it with me because I will forget by then.
I just asked Nana to reapply 2 new lidocaine patches on my back so I can start the day with no pain. i woke up with no pain thanks to her applying two new lidocaine patches to my back before I went to lie down for the night. Lidocaine patches plus rest is what I needed. I woke up with no back pain. No pain at all. It was awesome!
Today I have to look up the owner's manual for that carpet shampooer to figure out how I can unclog it and then try to shampoo the carpet again. I wanted to get Caleb's carpet shampooed today, but I am sure the floor has not been cleared of all the things I told him to move. It's Caleb's birthday today. I told him yesterday that we would be working on his room today and he immediately said no he wasn't going to work on his birthday. I said yes he was and that we were going to get his room cleaned once and for all. We happened to be in Nana's room when this conversation was happening, so I asked Nana to help me. She told Caleb "Ok. If you don't want to do it tomorrow, do it today, and then you won't have to do it tomorrow!" Awesome save Nana!
I have been wanting to have linguine for dinner, but I have not been able to clean the kitchen like I need to in order to cook safely. Things would be so much easier if Caleb was more like I was at his age. I was very helpful as far as cleaning the house goes and doing my weekly chores. I made sure the dishes were washed after dinner every night. I am bearing the burden of house cleaning alone because I can't rely on Caleb to help me and Nana can hardly stand up for long.
I am looking forward to being able to begin walking on my incline trainer this year. I have to catch up on all the house cleaning first. Even the incliner trainer needs to be cleared off before I can use it.
Caleb just woke up. It's time for me to get something to eat and take my medications and supplements, and then get Caleb his medications.
It's New Year's Eve! Happy New Year everyone!
Thank you for reading! Have a blessed day! Keep us in your prayers!
