After a long time...

     I have alot on my mind and need to brain dump. I am trying to transition back to my keto diet to get my diabetes under control, and possibly in remission. I would love to decrease the number of diabetic medications I am on. I would also love to begin losing weight again. I need to lose about 160 lbs. to be where I was when I was feeling good about my body. I want to begin using the incline trainer again. Caleb and I are working on cleaning the house recently. Up until the Monday before last Monday, Caleb was enrolled in public school in 9th grade at the high school. I had to withdraw him due to the bullying he was facing what seemed like everyday by different people. Caleb no longer felt safe there. He told his teachers, the SRO, and the principal what happened each time. Nothing was done to increase his safety. I spoke with the principal and he told me that without a witness or evidence on the school cameras that are covering the entire campus, there was nothing he could do. Caleb's health was declining. The frequency of him calling home for me to pick him up from school increased to practically everyday! 

    Caleb has an IEP and is a special needs student. Bullying should not be tolerated, witness or not. Evidence or not. I had enough. I was not getting the support I needed, and Caleb was certainly not getting the support he needed. It's hard to pay attention when your safety is non-existent. 

    Turns out that I never closed my home school registration with the state. After I had had enough, I withdrew Caleb and put him back into homeschooling. We returned the loaner laptop and Caleb's JROTC uniform. 

    Caleb was "in homeschool" before, but it was not working out because he was so defiant and resisted anything I said that would result in him doing any kind of work. It wasn't easy being together at all times for either of us. Caleb has Oppositional Defiant Disorder and I just couldn't get around it to be able to get him to cooperate with me so I could teach him anything.

    Caleb started ABA therapy for Autism about 2 weeks ago. He is doing well so far, and I have already seen the benefits of it. He is more willing to cooperate with me and get our common goals accomplished together. He is being more helpful. There have been fewer arguments and fights. The weekend sessions are the hardest for Caleb because they are longer than the sessions during the week. 

    The house is a disaster again. I cleaned the living room a long time ago only to have Caleb destroy all the work I had just done within 24 hours of me cleaning everything up. I have yet to be able to get him to correct himself as I directed. He says he was looking for something and tore through everything in the room, leaving everything thrown around and on the floor. As time went by, he made the situation worse by leaving trash everywhere and leaving dirty dishes and old food everywhere too. It's frustrating because he turned 16 in December and should be doing much more than he is currently doing to help me, a disabled veteran and his only living parent. 

    I am currently trying to get Caleb enrolled in an online public school where he will still have teachers teaching him. It would be more efficient. I have so many other responsibilities that I cannot afford to give Caleb's schooling the time it requires, or Caleb the attention he requires. He does not work without direct supervision. I simply cannot devote the time and energy needed when I have so many other things I have to take care of at the same time. 

    In other news, I have made progress in getting my VA appointments scheduled with Community Care. I have most of my appointments made already. I just received a new letter about my referral to see accupuncture out in the community. It is far away unfortunately so I do not know how I will manage to keep those appointments. It is very hard for me to go to appointments in Wilmington, and that's where those appointments would be. I have to have my eyes checked before my pharmD will change me from Ozempic to Mounjaro. I am hoping to be able to switch shortly after my appointment in May. I am dying to lose weight again.

    My pain is chronic, but I have noticed that I feel better during the day if I have fresh pineapple for breakfast followed by taking my medications and supplements, and then followed by taking my special coffee. I drink a Caramel Vanilla Green Mountain coffee that I add things to. I add Hershey's cacao, Splenda, RYZE mushroom coffee, and unsweetened vanilla almond milk. The combinations lead to me having better, less stressful days. The coffee helps me remain calm through the day, which in turn helps me to be able to think more clearly. I have chronic anxiety with my C-PTSD. I already take medication for it, but with all the stressors around me constantly getting my attention, it's nearly impossible to feel relaxed ever. The coffee helps the way I make it. 

    I have been using my lidocaine patches on my back for my chronic lower back pain. I have chronic pain in my pelvis too. I know I have osteoarthritis in my hips. I also know about my nerves touching my bones in my back and having mild degenerative changes in my back as well. I don't know if anything else can be done. Of course the first thing the doctors want to say is "Lose some weight." 

    I got a letter from the town about Dad's old Lincoln Towncar. I was trying to sell it, but now I have to remove it ASAP. I had to give it away to an interested mechanic because I don't have the money to put the title in my name in order to transfer it to him.

    Caleb and I are working towards getting the mountain of laundry in the laundry room clean, dried, folded, and put away. It really piled up during the month we all had COVID. I just couldn't manage to get it done. Plus Caleb hoards his dirty clothes in his room, instead of putting it in the laundry room where I can easily get it cleaned. Also, I had tried to get Caleb to wash his own clothes when I wasn't feeling well, and he never did. Yeah. It really piled up. It got so bad that he had no clean clothes to wear to school. Now, after a few weeks of washing laundry on and off, the mountain has become more like a hill. 

    The oven door is falling off the oven. I have a repairman coming on Monday and want to have to alot of the cleaning done before that appointment. 

    I recently was struggling to find a way to pay to have my Mazda's air conditioning fixed. By the grace of God, I was approved for a credit card with a limit that would cover the work needed on  my minivan. Thank God!

    I had to stop reading about the news for the most part. It was causing me too much stress to read all the emails I was getting to raise money for activism and signing petitions. I don't have the time or energy to continue doing what I was doing, which was reading emails every night and signing petitions and sharing posts. I am so ANTI-Trump it 's not even funny. He makes me sick and angry.

    I have to get some dishes washed in order to serve dinner, so I have to go for now. I will be sure to write more often. It's good for my health. 

    Thank you for reading! God bless you! 

It's been a long time

     It's been a long time since I last blogged. I haven't been getting up early in the morning without Caleb getting up. It's winter break and Caleb is home for the rest of the week. He was home all last week. He had finals the week before that, but was exempted from taking them. It hasn't been easy. Caleb is not easy to live with.

    It is now 0426. I just made myself a tuna sandwich that I wanted for dinner but could not make because my back was in too much pain to stand up. I had a can of Progresso Chicken and Sausage Gumbo for dinner that Caleb heated up for me instead. You see I had a long day yesterday. I woke up around 0730 and slowly woke up, had a bagel for breakfast, and took my morning medications. Caleb woke up and I gave him his medications. I slowly got ready for my 0950 therapy appointment online with Richelle. I managed to wash my face, comb my hair, grease my hair, and brush it the way I like it to be able to work. I use to grease my hair everyday when I was in basic training after I got yelled at for having frizzy curls sticking out of my head that apparently made me "out of uniform." I decided that greasing my hair was a better way to tame my hair then using hairspray or gel, as it was moisturizing and not damaging to my hair. Anyway, I was able to apply my deodorant and body spray all before my virtual therapy appointment. I can do these things easily on my good days, but not on the days where I am struggling.

    I made it to my virtual therapy appointment early, and we were able to catch up on what is going on in my life. The biggest thing we talked about was how much Caleb stresses me out and that he might need to be put in a group home because I am not equipped to handle his needs and demands. You see the night before, Caleb called the police on me. He believed that I was threatening him when I was telling him the consequences of his behavior when I told him , "You are going to a group home." The police came and talked to Caleb about calling 9-1-1 for anything other than emergency services. The officer talked with Caleb on the front porch when he arrived, and then came to talk to me as I was sitting in my chair at the dining table calmly and clear-headed. I prefaced the entire conversation with, " Caleb has Autism, ADHD, ODD, and PTSD." I feel like that is the most important thing for any stranger to know about Caleb before they determine how he is acting to be "Out of the ordinary" for a teenager his age. I went on the tell the officer that I am a disabled veteran doing my best to get Caleb the help he needs. The entire problem began with me telling Caleb that I needed him to clean his room by picking up everything off the floor so I could shampoo the carpet in his room. He wanted to aruge and threatened to beat me up if I did not shut the hell up. He threatened me violence a second time in the argument, but I can't remember what exactly he said. He argued that he had been cleaning his room during the day and got really mad when I continued to ask questions to verify what he had accomplished. I told him if I looked in his room, I would see no change from the last time I looked in there, meaning nothing had been cleaned. I got angry because I have told him numerous times to get the recycling out of his room. I have also told him numerous times to pick up the trash in his room. I know he understand what each thing is and is able to pick up them up and put them in a bag and dispose of each bag properly. It is not outside of his understanding. He got angry when suggested that he hadn't done anything in his room because I had not seen him leave his room with either trash nor recycling. I also told him that I needed him to move his dirty laundry to to the laundry room so I could wash them all. That was not done either. Naturally I was getting frustrated by how simple my directions were and how much Caleb neglected to help out by not cleaning his own room which smells soooo bad that I want to vomit when he opens his bedroom door. 

    That happened on Sunday. The police officer told Caleb that I am the adult and he is the juvenile, and "Mom's house, Mom's rules." He also brought up that he has a 13 year old at home and there are days where they butt heads and need to separate from eachother. He and the lady officer left us with a mobile crisis phone number to call to help when situations get tough between Caleb and me. 

    Earlier Sunday afternoon, Caleb and I went to Food Lion to pick up some tortilla chips and applesauce. Of course I had to buy more than that while I was there and then got the idea to order Chinese food for lunch, but they were closed for the day, so we went to Lowe's Foods because I wanted to buy a fruit bowl. While we were there, we bought some lunch and saw a familiar face behind the deli counter. It was Kayla, who we knew from when I got piercings and tattoos at Inklanation. Caleb recognized her before I did. I was able to get Nana and myself Reuben paninis and Caleb a fresh baked single serving pizza. I thought I was doing good when I got home and was able to continue washing the laundry, folding it and putting it away.

    Anyway, so back to yesterday. I continued the laundry to the best of my ability. We ran out to Lowe's to replace the shop vac that Caleb broke by being careless. It was brand new and not cheap. While at Lowe's we also were able to buy a plastic rake which I use to grab things from under the beds and pile things on the floor when I am cleaning to save my back from more pain. The cashier gave us a discount on the rake when he heard that I might not be able to afford both the shop vac and rake. Caleb was asking for work gloves, and I knew I certianly did not have enough money for them. We came home and Caleb made everybody grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch after he put the shop vac together for me. While he was cooking, I was using the shop vac to vacuum the hallway which has not been vacuumed in many months. I had to try to get up what I could and pull the carpet fibers up and get hair up as much as possible before I could use the pet vac to follow up. I was able to clear the hallway and begin shop vac'ing the carpet both in the hallway and in Nana's room on her walkway. I did not check to see how much debris I shop vac'd up but I'm sure it was alot. Caleb made me a double cheese grilled cheese sandwich with Colby Jack cheese and Muenster cheese, just the way I like it. I took a break when Caleb said my sandwich was ready. I allowed myself to cool down and eat and drink for my lunch. I have recently stopped drinking so much Gatorade Zero and just switched to drinking Spring Water by itself. I am able to take my medications just as easily and it doesn't bother me as much as it use to. I normally would drink a gallon of Gatorade Zero a day because I take so many pills, and none of them taste good. The flavor of the Gatorade Zero masks the flavor of the medications and supplements I take throughout the entire day. 

    The sandwich was delicious. I love that blend of cheese, and I love melted cheeses in general. After my lunch settled, I returned to working on the cleaning the hallway. I was ready to pet vac the hallway and Nana's walkway in her bedroom. I slowly pet vac'd over and over the carpet to make sure I was getting as much dirt and dog hair as possible. By then I had two loads of freshly cleaned laundry waiting for me on my bed to fold and put away. I then began using the carpet shampooer to remove the build up nastiness in the carpet. It began smelling better right away. I noticed I was having trouble suctioning up the fluid with the shampooer but did not know how to remedy the problem. I did clean out the part of it that I knew how to clean out, but I feel like dog hair is clogged somewhere that I can't reach and need to find a manual online to learn how to clean the hose. I got about 2/3 of the hallway shampooed, but not fully suctioned, so still dirty. By then my back was in alot of pain and I needed to stop for the day and could not repair the carpet shampooer. I was able to get some dishes washed and make Nana a tuna sandwich for her dinner, but I was not able to make my own tuna sandwich as I needed to sit and rest. Nana applied 2 lidocaine patches on my back before I started the day, and replaced them before I went to lie down with 2 new patches to relieve my back pain. 

    Nana did not know that Caleb called the police on me until I told her yesterday. I had a long discussion with Nana during one of my breaks about what had happened, and why I was telling Caleb he was going to go to group home. He made it sound like I was abusive, but when Nana heard what he did, she said he was abusive, and she is right. 

    So I was hoping this Winter break would go differently than what it is has been. Caleb came home the Friday before last and was finished with school for that semester and ready for break time. I wanted to begin cleaning the house right away on Saturday because I knew how long it would take with my limitations and Caleb's problematic behavior. The first week Caleb was off from school, he left the house nearly everyday multiple times a day without my permission. He kept taking off to go to his friend Blake's house. Blake is only 10 years old by the way and lives multiple streets away. It was frustrating as Hell. I was exhausted from the stresses of the school year so far, my declining health, and Caleb's behavior. I could not get Caleb to stop watching the dumbass videos he can't stop watching or playing video games to get the simplest of tasks done. Like I mentioned earlier, I have been telling him to move his laundry to the laundry room, take out the trash from his room, take out the recycling from his room, and remove the dishes from his room repeatedly. Instead of getting it done, he gets angry that I won't leave him alone. Meanwhile, I removed the trash from my room, removed the dirty laundry from my room, and tried to begin organizing my room. 

    Caleb and I argued and fought nearly everyday last week, if not everyday. It's exhausting and draining and a waste of my limited energy. I recently applied to get us into family mediated virtual ABA therapy for Autism and was approved. I start the parent training on this Thursday. It's with a company called "Forta."

    So how did Christmas go? Nana and I slept through almost the entire day. which is normal for Nana. but for me. I had planned on cooking a half ham, sweet potatoes, green beans, dinner rolls, macaroni and cheese to have for Christmas dinner, but that didn't happen. I was able to cook the ham,mac n cheese, and dinner rolls the next day but got too tired to cook anymore than that. The Christmas ham takes alot of prep time because all spice is inserted where I scored the ham. Then pineapple rings and marachino cherries are put onto the ham by sticking toothpicks in them and then into the ham.

    The day before Christmas, I baked a pumpkin pie and a apple crumb pie. Earlier in the season I applied to the Soldiers' Angels Christmas sponsorship program knowing that I would not have enough money to buy Caleb any gifts. I was able to buy Nana a nice bathrobe and 2 new quick dry Dock & Bay waffle knit extra large bath towels on a payment plan and on sale. Nana bought special olives for us to eat, along with a special platter of petit fors and sausages, cheeses, and crackers to snack on Christmas day. We also had cinnamon rolls I could bake for breakfast and the Panettone arrived the day before Christmas! We still haven't eaten the lil smokies we bought, and I have yet to cook the fresh green beans I bought. I also bought broccoli florets and cut cauliflower to dip in Thousand Island dressing aqnd munch on. It was supposed to an all-week Chrsitmas food celebration with lots of leftovers expected. And there were plenty of leftovers of the ham. Caleb ate half the party tray of Stouffer's mac n cheese that I made, so Nana and I only had two dinners with mac n cheese from that tray. Caleb told me he didn't like that mac n cheese because he couldn't taste it, and when I woke up in the middle of the night, the mac n cheese was out on top of the stove and mostly gone! I decided I still wanted mac n cheese and bought another party tray. Nana and I had one dinner from that dinner with the leftover ham, and Caleb ate the rest of the tray! 

    Even though Caleb did not deserve to get presents for Christmas, he woke me up Christmas morning to harrass me about opening boxes. He opened the first box which was a Norelco electric shaver. The second package was the Fortnite miniature set he told me wanted some months ago when we were dumpster diving in our front yard and he did most of the work. He was happy about that when he saw it. Both of those packages were from our sponsor at Soldiers' Angels. He had one more box to open but I did not tell him about it. I went back to sleep exhausted. He opened the third package on a different day. It was a Nautica gift set of colgne and body spray that smells good on him. He was happy about that, and I told him not to apply it before he took a shower.

    Speaking of which... Nana let me know that she was wanting to take a long shower and we talked about how I needed to clear the shower drain of my hair first because the water was too slown to drain. I also wanted to clean the shower and bathtub out before she took her shower. I have been wanting to clean the bathroom for a long time now, and have been so focused on trying to keep up with cleaning the kitchen that I never have the time or energy to get other areas clean! I finally decided that I was going to make it happen so Nana could have a safe and enjoyable clean shower/bathtub time and I removed everything from the shower and bathtub, cleared the drain of a ton of my hair, and sprayed the Scrubbing Bubbles with bleach on everything before scrubbing it everywhere and rinsing it clean. I was so happy to do that for Nana, and ultimately all of us. 

    Another accomplishment Caleb and I did together was replace the mattress protectors on both my bed and Nana's bed. I gave Caleb the mattress protector to replace the one on his bed, but he never did it. Big surprise.

    I am hoping to have the house cleaned up before Caleb goes back to school on Monday. I can't do everything by myself. I need help from Caleb, especially in cleaning his room. 

    Today is Tuesday and we only have until Sunday to make things happen and start the new year off right. Today is New Year's Eve and also Caleb's 16th birthday. I am not making a big deal about it because I am flat broke and Caleb's behavior has been horrible.

    I am trying to catch up on all the laundry Caleb has all around the house, get his room cleaned, clean my room, organize the living room and clean it and organize my workspace. I am saving cleaning Nana's room for when Caleb is back in school, as well as cleaning out the kitchen. 

    I just remembered that during one of my arguments with Caleb he brought up that he was abused by Billy, Christinia, and my dad and that I only stuck up for him when it was my dad. I don't ever remember Caleb telling me anything about Christinia abusing him. I will have to probe when things are calm. Billy too. What did they do that I am unaware about? My dad lost his temper and was choking Caleb when he was 10 years old and having an outburst. He later attempted suicide by inhaling aerosol duster and had to be hospitalized and put in long term psychiatric care. Caleb blames me for the abuses done by others in our lives. Why is that? How was I supposed to know that things would happen the way they did? Why am I hearing about them now, years later when nothing can be done about it? Why am I responsible for the actions of others that I had no clue about? Why am I responsible for the actions of others, period? Why do I bear the burden of Caleb's anger when it should be directed at the people who abused him? I will be bringing this stuff up to his next therapy appointment even if I have to print this blog out and take it with me because I will forget by then. 

    I just asked Nana to reapply 2 new lidocaine patches on my back so I can start the day with no pain. i woke up with no pain thanks to her applying two new lidocaine patches to my back before I went to lie down for the night. Lidocaine patches plus rest is what I needed. I woke up with no back pain. No pain at all. It was awesome!

    Today I have to look up the owner's manual for that carpet shampooer to figure out how I can unclog it and then try to shampoo the carpet again. I wanted to get Caleb's carpet shampooed today, but I am sure the floor has not been cleared of all the things I told him to move. It's Caleb's birthday today. I told him yesterday that we would be working on his room today and he immediately said no he wasn't going to work on his birthday. I said yes he was and that we were going to get his room cleaned once and for all. We happened to be in Nana's room when this conversation was happening, so I asked Nana to help me. She told Caleb "Ok. If you don't want to do it tomorrow, do it today, and then you won't have to do it tomorrow!" Awesome save Nana!

    I have been wanting to have linguine for dinner, but I have not been able to clean the kitchen like I need to in order to cook safely. Things would be so much easier if Caleb was more like I was at his age. I was very helpful as far as cleaning the house goes and doing my weekly chores. I made sure the dishes were washed after dinner every night. I am bearing the burden of house cleaning alone because I can't rely on Caleb to help me and Nana can hardly stand up for long. 

    I am looking forward to being able to begin walking on my incline trainer this year. I have to catch up on all the house cleaning first. Even the incliner trainer needs to be cleared off before I can use it. 

    Caleb just woke up. It's time for me to get something to eat and take my medications and supplements, and then get Caleb his medications.

    It's New Year's Eve! Happy New Year everyone!

    Thank you for reading! Have a blessed day! Keep us in your prayers!

Thanksgiving 2024

     This Thanksgiving there was alot to be grateful for. The local American Legion donated our fully cooked Thanksgiving dinner from Publix. The American Legion Chaplain and his wife delivered the meal. I was so grateful just to have support this Thanksgiving. I haven't been feeling that great lately. I overworked trying to clean the living room while Caleb was at school one day. I pushed myself too hard and caused myself to have a fibromyalgia flare up that lasted for days on end. My entire body was in pain and there was nothing I could do to change it. I only wanted to rest in bed, but there was a lot of other work to be done. I felt guilty for not being able to clean the entire house before Thanksgiving holiday break. I wanted to prepare the kitchen for Nana to be able to cook the way she wanted. I was not able to completely clean the kitchen the way I wanted to. I was hoping to catch up on all the laundry so that there would be no more laundry on the floor in the laundry room, but I could not do that either. I wanted to vacuum the floors and deep clean the carpets with the carpet cleaner. I couldn't do it. I was so disheartened by inability to get things done. I was in a dark place mentally when the Chaplain and his wife brought the food over. I was happy to see them both, and they changed the way my day was going just by showing up.

    Nana wanted to watch the Thanksgiving parade in the living room on Thanksgiving day. I was trying to make that possible. Instead, I asked if she would be ok with just moving Caleb's tv into her room to replace her tv. Her tv muted itself and we could not unmute it. She could watch her tv, but not hear anything even though we changed the volume settings. Caleb's tv was donated to him by our neighbor, Chris. He had it in his room for awhile until he moved it into my room when he was sleeping in my bed. Caleb started sleeping in the living room because he said it was too cold in my room. He stopped sleeping in his room because he destroyed his room completely and has not cleaned it up. Anyway, we moved Caleb's tv to Nana's room so she could watch the Thanksgiving parade in her room instead of the living room. 

    I offered to prepare the Thanksgiving dinner for us, so Nana would not have to worry about how she was going to get around. Nana has a hard time walking, and when we go anywhere, she uses a wheelchair. We kept things simple so I could make our dinner a reality. Originally we were going to cook everything from scratch, but when I started feeling badly, we realized that was not a good idea. Nana found the fully prepared meals from Lowe's Foods and Publix, and we chose Publix because it was only $69.99. It was a lot cheaper to purchase the meal that way than it would have been to cook from scratch.

    Nana bought these really good frozen cinnamon rolls for me to heat on Thanksgiving morning that turned out really good. I woke up really early on Thanksgiving day, and Caleb woke up shortly after I did. I watched the introductions of the Thanksgiving Parade with Nana in her room. We had lil smokies in bbq sauce that I love. Later I ate the cauliflower she bought just for me to eat with Thousand Island dressing. It wasn't until the afternoon that I began preparing our dinner. It didn't take long because everything was already cooked. The Publix meal came with a fully cooked 10lbs. turkey, cornbread stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry relish, gravy, and marshmallow delight. The Chaplain added to our order, sweet potato casserole, corn on the cob, pumpkin pie, and apple pie. 

    I heated the turkey for too long, but it was still edible. I didn't like how the dark meat turned out, but I was ok with the white meat with some gravy. I liked all the sides. They were good. They weren't Nana's sides, but we didn't spend all day preparing food in the kitchen either. 

    Today is Sunday after Thanksgiving. I have been returning to my dad's memorial webpage a lot this holiday break.

    Black Friday comes after Thanksgiving. I can't say I wasn't tempted. I woke up really early and spent all morning browsing online at the sales. I ordered some things that I wanted and needed at the same time. I ordered something for Nana for Christmas too. 

    I just found out yesterday that the Soldier's Angels application for Christmas support was approved! I think Caleb will get at least one Christmas present from the list I provided.

    I also found out yesterday that I am being given unlimited access to the Yoga For Trauma program. I confessed to the teacher that life got in my way trying to care for Caleb and Nana as a disabled person. It was too much to handle. She offered me open access to the program so that I could complete it in my own time. I was so happy to read it in the email I got yesterday!

    I had to make some hard decisions this holiday break too. Some of my subscriptions I use for my business were renewing and it was up to me to choose if I wanted to continue trying to make my business work or not. I chose to keep trying. 

    I have been getting these emails from Proofread Anywhere for a long time. I was interested in finding a way to earn money that wasn't from Healinergy LLC. They were running a special for Black Friday with the programs heavily discounted. I decided to jump right on it after a long time thinking about whether or not I would be able to complete it. I am praying that I can do better from here on out. I need to be able to earn money in the time that I have available. I don't have a lot of available time is the problem. I am overworked as it is and not completing my goals. I am not getting a lot of support from Caleb. I don't know what his problem is, but he can't /won't clean up after himself.

    The week before this past week both Caleb and I had multiple appointments to go to. Everyday that week I was driving to appointments for one or both of us. This coming up week I have to find Caleb a dentist in his insurance network that is not far away. He has a toothache that won't go away. He ruined his relationship with the dentist I found by resisting efforts to treat his cavities. Caleb can't stand needles apparently. Now I have to find a new dentist because that dentist won't try to treat him again after how he acted at the last appointment. 

    This morning I finally got so cold that I put on the heat in the central air and asked Caleb for my Army hoodie. I was previously wearing a tank top and shorts because I was sweating and working. It's finally really cold this morning. I even had to pull out the fleece throw blanket and use it under my regular quilt to stay warm. Bella was not in bed with me like she normally is. She tends to keep me warm. So does Bubba, but Bubba was with Caleb last night in his room. Normally I just cover myself with the quilt to sleep. It doesn't trap my body heat like other blankets do, so I do not wakeup all drenched in my sweat. 

    It looks like the sun is coming up. It is time for me to eat breakfast and take my morning medications. I pray that today is good and productive day. Yesterday was. I was able to take a shower yesterday. Then Caleb and I went out and had some Taco Bell before going to Walmart to pick up a few groceries. After that I went to Amsterdam Life in Southport to buy my vaping supplies. We came home and eventually after doing some of my hape' I washed some dishes. 

    Today I want to make progress on the laundry while cleaning up the kitchen and living room. Caleb is already being resistant, so we will see if he is helpful at all. We have to get as much trash out of house as possible because trash pickup is Monday mornings. Caleb asked if he could have some money for his games, and I told him he has to work to earn his money. I think he understands, but I bring it up all the time now to reinforce the idea that nobody gets paid without getting the work done first. 

    Thank you for reading! Have blessed day! Keep us in your prayers! Be blessed!

Getting Ready For the Holidays

     It is 0419 now. I have been awake for more than an hour. I decided to update my glucose reading spreadsheet for Dr. Kent and email it, as well as order my prescription refills. I couldn't sleep. I don't know why I am awake so early. I uploaded my most recent labs to Virta. My A1C is 7.3. 

    Yesterday was Monday and Caleb had a morning appointment with his therapist. The appointment went well. Caleb needed a haircut, so I took him to get one after his appointment. I got paid yesterday, so I could finally afford it. Caleb and I stopped at the new cafe' for some coffee after his haircut. There was an older man at Great Clips who was getting his haircut too who paid for Caleb's haircut because he was wearing his JROTC uniform. He told Caleb "Thank you for your service." I thanked the man as he walked out. I originally wanted some egg rolls before taking Caleb to school, but the restaurant was not open. While we were standing outside, a man called out to us as he walked towards us from the gas station. He was asking to use our phone. I let him make a call on my phone. He had been stuck at the gas station for some time and needed a ride. He told Caleb to stick with JROTC, and that he was a Staff Sergeant and squad leader in his past. He said, "Look where bad decisions get you. Look at me." 

    Caleb begged to go home after our coffee because his rash was bothering him because he did not put the treatment on it. I brought him home. I had been messaging my friend, Stacy, who works in home improvement about getting the bidet toilet seat installed for Nana. She assured me it was not difficult and that Caleb should be able to put it on. When we came home, Caleb went right to installing the bidet toilet seat for Nana. He did it! I checked it to make sure it worked, and it did! I'm proud of Caleb! 

    We spent the rest of the day cleaning in the house because the house looks like a disaster area again. I spent most of my time washing dishes, but I also put away groceries, and picked up trash. I brought in the rest of the groceries from the van that Caleb did not bring in from the Walmart order I picked up the other day. It was mostly drinks. Caleb cleaned out the passenger side of the van by picking up the trash from the floor in the front seat. Caleb also moved the old air conditioning unit to the road where the metal man could pick it up. He also picked up the trash from around where the trash bins were that had fallen to the ground.

    I know it's been a long time since I have blogged. I haven't been well lately. I had a really bad cough from a post nasal sinus drip. It was keeping me up all night. I was miserable. I am feeling better now though. 

    Today Caleb has another appointment this morning. I have a phone call appointment this afternoon with Dr. Kent. 

    I am determined to get this house cleaned. I am still working to get caught up on the laundry. Caleb has trash everwhere all over the floors. Ugh! It's so frustrating! I can't get him to understand how important it is to be clean. 

    I had 2 Facebook members with photos of Generals as their profile photo contact me claiming to be the Generals in the photos and wanting to get to know me. I find it hard to believe that not only one, but two U.S. Army Generals would contact me out of the blue and want to get to know me. I chatted with both of them just out of curiosity. Both were quick to ask me questions about being in a relationship and marriage. If that doesn't seem wrong, I don't know. I just feel like a real U.S. Army General would not be messaging me on Facebook out of the blue because a real U.S. Army General would not give me the time of day. I'm keeping myself protected regardless.

    I am planning on taking Caleb to his psychiatrist appointment and then taking him to school so I can come back home and get work done. They closed the road I would normally use to get to his school, so he is going to show me the new way his bus takes to get to his school now. 

    I was doing a fundraiser because I got myself in a jam. I have bills that I can't pay and buy groceries at the same time. Donna took me to a food pantry at a church in Bolivia. Shady took us grocery shopping at Food Lion. Other people donated to my fundraiser. I don't have enough to pay the EMS bill, my flood insurance policy, or for car repairs. I will have to make payments on the EMS bill until it is paid. I will have to let my flood policy lapse until I can save enough to pay the premium. I will have to save enough to cover the estimated cost of repairs on the van. The Mazda's air conditioning is not working. It does not blow air at all. I have no way to defrost my windshield. I need to get it fixed as soon as possible. I need to find a way to earn money. My business is not going well. I don't give it the time it needs. 

    I reached out to the DAV, VFW, and the American Legion for help. The American Legion is providing us a cooked Thanksgiving dinner from Publix! We are so grateful!

    Caleb just woke up. It's time for me to get our medications out and start the day.

    Thank you for reading! Have a blessed day! Keep us in your prayers! Be blessed!

Just because

     It is now 0242 and I have been awake for some time now. I just thought to upload my DSS case files to my VA claim that I have open and am waiting for a decision. I hope that it sheds some light on how much I struggle and need the additional help. It's in my prayers that the VA claims are approved in total.

    I got up because I had to use the bathroom. I then ate a grapefruit and came to sit in my chair at the dining table where I work. I was just thinking to myself. It has been a long time since I have been consistently blogging. I fell into a depression after my dad died and am just now beginning to feel better. I think he died in either November or December of 2022. I don't remember the date. I was never good at remembering dates. This marks the end of the second year without my dad. I bought a photo on canvas of my favorite photo of Caleb, the dogs, and my dad, and hung it up in the living room so I can see my dad's face whenever I need to. It is helpful. I know he is always around me. Energy doesn't die. His body died, but not his energy. 

    I have been wanting to get deeper into Reiki. I don't know how much deeper I can go since I am already a Reiki Master. I have a library of books that I want to read and take notes on. Some are about my mental health like books about girls with Autism or how to handle depression. Some are about crystals and crystal healing. Others are about Reiki, Yoga, or other spiritual/energy practices or exercises. I have fitness books. I also have books about survival that are manuals from the military. I have books that are about parenting children with special needs and child psychology. I have other books about leadership and women who were close to God. I have a lot of reading to catch up on. I bought them when they were on sale and when I had the money to spend. I have not had the time and energy to read any of them, but I know I would benefit immensely if I could manage it. 

    Right now the focus is on taking this Y4T class and keeping up with the class. I am already behind. We started last week, but I didn't start until Monday this week. I watched the lecture video. I did not watch the yoga practice video. I began reading the book, but the foreword and acknowledgments are so long, I never made to page 1 of the first chapter! Sooo.... if I could just clear the living room floor I might be bale to do the yoga practices and catch up with everyone else. I need this class for myself to help with the trauma I have dealt with in my life. I also want to learn as much as possible so I can help other people struggling with trauma too. I have to set aside time each week to do watch the lecture, watch the yoga practice and exercise with it, and read the chapter in the book. I should probably write it in my schedule on my calendar so I don't forget about it.

    Caleb is going to be doing honor guard today after school at a sports event for JROTC. I don't know if I will be able to attend. I still have social anxiety when getting into large groups of people due to 9/11. I would like to capture his first event on video if I could. 

    I had a pretty good day yesterday. I was awake and had clear thinking for most of the day. I did have my special coffee blend plus a coffee that Carla bought me. Too much coffee for one day I later found out. I enjoyed being able to think clearly without all the worry, anxiety, and stress that I suffer from on a daily basis. I was able to write my blog yesterday which helped me clear some air out and remove some burdens I carry. I got up earlier than normal and was awake, not sleepy at 0400. I started my day then. I waited for 0500 to get Caleb up which is his normal time for school days. We did our normal morning routines, and he got on the bus and I came home. I wrote my blog. Afterwards I went and talked with Nana. I made us both breakfast. By the time we finished eating and I let the dogs outside, it was time for Carla to arrive to pick up  the chili I was giving her. Carla arrived later than expected, but while I was waiting, I was able to start the picnic bone-in pork butt in the slow cooker. That was for dinner. I planned on making a pasta salad recipe Nana use to make for us, but I never got started. Carla arrived and she brought me a delicious iced coffee. I was able to hug my friend without guilt or shame because I was finally able to take a shower on Sunday and had been keeping up with my personal hygiene ever since. I don't like giving stinky hugs to my friends. I love Carla. She is one of the sweetest women I know. We are both mothers of sons with ASD. I, however, also have ASD, and I'm pretty sure she does not. She is a Jehovah's Witness and we do weekly Bible study together when she comes over to visit. 

    After Carla left, I realized it was getting late. I needed to start making the pasta salad if I wanted it to be done for dinner. I didn't want to start because I had a phone appt with the pharmD at the VA at 1400. I didn't want to have my hands dirty from prepping vegetables, and not be able to answer the phone in time. I decided to just wait for the call. I had the call, and all went well. Oh! That's the other thing I did. I updated my biomarkers spreadsheet with my glucose readings for Dr. Kent, pharmD. I was happy that I had a lot of days I took my glucose readings. I struggle with remembering to take my glucose readings before dinner.

    I spent some time talking with Nana. I let the dogs outside a second time. When I went to let them back inside, Bubba was nowhere to be found. I waited for him to come back after looking for him in the usual places he goes. I caught him on the Ring camera and was able to bring him back inside. I am so grateful he did not wander for long. I don't know what I would have done if Caleb came home and Bubba wasn't home. He would've been so upset.

    I took a break after that. I felt like I needed to lie down. I wanted a nap, but couldn't fall asleep after drinking 2 large coffees earlier. I just rested my body which was hurting all over mildly and needed rest.

    It was getting closer to time for Caleb to come home and the pork butt to be fully cooked, and I had not started on the pasta salad. I told Nana that I gave on trying to get it done, and asked if we could buy tater tots instead to have with the pork butt. She said we could.

    I don't remember what else I was doing yesterday. I know I went to check the mailbox just as Caleb was getting off the bus, and he came running up to me as I yelled, "Cabeeb! Cabeeby deeby! My baby!"

    I got the mail I was looking for. Caleb and I walked inside and he found out that Bubba jumped the fence and could not be found and he was angry at me for not watching him while he was outside. Here's the thing. Up until recently, Bubba stayed in the yard with Bella when they were outside together. Only recently has he been jumping the fence, but even then, he was only running to the neighbor's yard across the street and he could be called back into the yard easily. This was the first time, I could not call him back, because he was not where he normally goes.

    Caleb and I went to Food Lion to buy the tater tots and a few other things we needed. We came home and began making the tater tots because the pork butt had completed cooking to be able to fall off the bone. Caleb fed Bella and then Bubba. I got Caleb to take a shower which is a struggle with him. I need to remember that I need to take Caleb to get his hair cut. We had dinner, I took my night meds, and then I hemmed Caleb's dress uniform pants for him. It wasn't a good hem job, but I was sewing by hand, and really didn't want to put a lot of time or effort into the job. 

    It is now 0338. I am just enjoying reflecting on my yesterday in this blog. 

    Today I have my virtual therapy appointment at 0900. I bet I will be tired before that starts. It doesn't look like I'm going back to sleep anytime soon. It's getting closer to Caleb's wakeup time. I don't feel tired. I just enjoy typing my thoughts. I don't think I have any other appointments for today. I hope to get some laundry washed, most of the dishes washed, the trash collected from the living room and kitchen, and be able to make the pasta salad to completion for dinner. It doesn't sound like it would be hard to accomplish, but trust me, with all my disabilities even these tasks are hard. It's my pain, depression, and tiredness that gets in the way. Sometimes it's also being overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work that needs to be done to the point of not being able to do anything. It's embarrassing, but I have a literal mountain of our dirty laundry to go through, sort out, pre-treat, and wash, dry, fold, and put away. Caleb leaves his dishes everywhere. I missing a high number of spoons right now. Caleb leaves his trash everywhere he goes. He also argues when I tell him to clean up after himself, and then doesn't comply. I had to ground him for his behavior the other day. He is grounded until Monday. He is not allowed to go anywhere. If he continues, the phone will be taken away from him, and then the gaming consoles and computers he uses to play games. I want things to be better. I need Caleb's cooperation. He turns 16 years old this year. 

    I would like to get my room organized and cleaned. I am looking for a few things. One of them is a measuring tape. I am also looking for a box of empty spray bottles for essential oil use and my far infrared light therapy mat. I think it might be time to donate some clothes. Caleb has outgrown his clothes, and I had to buy him new clothes. Thank God for payment plans, or I would not have been able to buy my son clothes to go to school in! I just don't have the money saved up anywhere. I have clothes that have been in my closet for a year and have not been used. I think I might be ready to donate those clothes. I reorganized my clothing drawers the other day. I found what I was looking for. I moved a bunch of stuff around to make things easier for me to find what I need when I need it. 

    I'm dying to get these carpets cleaned, but I know the work will make my back hurt badly.

    I'm trying to earn money too. I am offering a discounted Reiki session of $20 in exchange for reviews. I am also applying for paid clinical trials. I am also trying the Empower app to earn money by talking to people about voting and voting registration.

    I use Reiki myself daily. As a matter of fact, I wanted to learn Reiki in order to heal myself. It has helped me a lot by helping with my stressload and reducing my pain levels. 

    I pray a lot too. I ask Jehovah to help me constantly. I ask Jesus for forgiveness of my sins, love, and healing. I ask the Ascended Masters to lead me in God's divine will and protect me. I ask God's angels to guard and protect me and lead me in the light. I ask all the sources I know for help.

    I have to go pick Caleb from school after it gets dark and I am a little concerned about that. I don't drive when it's dark outside because everyone will be driving with their headlights on. I am afraid to have a seizure caused by all the different lights on at night while I am driving. I am considering that if I can get the pasta salad done in time, I can go before it gets dark, and then I will only have to drive one way in the dark. Or maybe he could leave early to be able to get home before dark? I don't know. I guess we will find out.

    Tomorrow is a completely free day with no appointments, but Friday I have to drive to Wilmington to have my doctor's appointment and also have labs done. I might be meeting with a man that I met online who lives in Wilmington while I am there. It just depends on how things go while at the VA and if we can see each other during the time I am done at the VA, and he is done with his class, but before he has other appointments to go. I was trying to meet him for lunch, but then realized that I don't have the money to buy my lunch. Sooo... I had to rescind the meet up for lunch invitation. We are still going to try to meet though. We text each other nearly everyday. His name is Courtland.

    I have to reschedule my dental specialist appointment. I had an appointment scheduled but it was cancelled by the dentist's office a day before the appointment was scheduled, saying "We no longer do work for VA." Now I still have the problems that I had, but now they are getting worse. I had a root canal done around 2016 while I was a UNCW student. I think the root canal has failed and I need it to be remedied because it hurts badly across my whole left side of my bottom jaw when it hurts, and sometimes the left side top jaw too. I need to call my dentist's office for a new referral. I have to get that done today. Oh! I forgot! I am supposed to pickup the medications from CVS today too. I did not ever make it to CVS yesterday. Ugh! 

    I am still unsure as to why I am not having my menstrual cycle. It has been years since my last period. I figured it was because I was going through early menopause. Made sense to me, but my doctor at the time said I was too young. A different doctor said that my PCOS could be the problem. I have not had sex in many years, so I know I am not remotely pregnant. My former doctor tried to blame all my health problems on being fat. She was such a bitch to me when all I was trying to do was get myself the help I deserve. I am glad I filed papers against her and she eventually was terminated. I am currently on birth control because I should not get pregnant while taking all the medications I am on. It would not be good for me, nor the baby. It is also supposed to be an estrogen therapy type supplement. My OB/GYN said that the birth control she prescribed me was more estrogen than the actual estrogen therapy is. I have a hard time believing that. Anyway, I would still like a clear answer as to what is going on with my body. Sure, it could be all these medications I'm on, the fact that I never sleep well, that I don't get enough exercise, that I am obese... but what is the root cause? It can't be healthy to be an age when I am expected to have my period, and not have it. We have had imaging done to look for cysts in and on my ovaries. As far as I know there is no cancer involved for which I am thankful.

    I have been having mammograms on a regular basis because I have cysts behind my left nipple that they are monitoring. It appears to be benign so far, and I hope it starts to shrink. Mammograms are uncomfortable and can be painful. I hate them so much and only do them so often because I want to catch cancer early if I should end up with cancer at all. 

    It is now 0436. I have not moved from my chair since I began typing this blog. I can't believe I have been out here for this long and am not tired yet. Caleb will be up in about 30 minutes or so. He wakes up with all kinds of loudness and energy. I don't normally wake up with lots of energy. I am very slow moving in the morning. It is enough for me to get up and move from the bed to my chair. I guess I could go ahead and get my meds ready, or perhaps do some hape'. I thought about doing hape' earlier, but then thought about something else and didn't do it. I think I'll do it now. I normally have better clear-headed days when I use hape' in the morning before starting my day. 

    I am running out of time before Caleb wakes up, not that he cares or it matters to him. He knows I use hape'. He requires my full attention when he gets up to get him ready for school. I'm going to need to be clear-headed and able to hear myself think to be able to be the parent I want to be which I feel I have not been lately. I have been struggling too much with the other stuff going on in my head when the rare occasion came that I could hear myself think. When I don't sleep well, which is nearly every night, I can't think clearly. I also have brain fog for other reasons, some are probably due to my medications and my depression and C-PTSD.

    I guess I have to sign off for now. It was great being able to share with you this morning.

    Thank you for reading! Have a blessed day! Keep us in your prayers! Much love!

What's New

     It is now 0642 and I have been awake since 0400. I just did my hape'. I am really taking to the Bobinsana hape' from Four Visions Market. It'a great way to start my day. I feel lighter after the effects wear off. I feel like the heaviness that surrounds me is there no longer. It's great for helping move past my depression and grief. I am starting to feel better and be able to cook more frequently. I don't know if anyone knows how hard it is on me to do all the things it takes to raise a child with special needs while taking care of very physically disabled stepmom, and providing for 2 dogs, all while trying to keep the house clean and everyone fed non-stop. It's a lot of pressure for one person. I am disabled myself. I have a long list of disabilities. The first I always mention is Autism Spectrum Disorder. Although I am not clinically diagnosed yet, I am self-diagnosed from what I have read so far and the Canadian psychological tests they use to determine if someone has Autism. I took those tests a few years ago, but I have questioned it since being told while I was AIT in Ft. Sam Houston by one of my battle buddies who studied psychology that I might have Asperger's. From that moment on, I had to find out what that meant. I was clueless! When I began reading, I began to feel he was right. I was 20-something already then. 

    I also have major depression and C-PTSD. I have fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, PCOS, spinal nerves touching bones, a history of seizures, GERD, IBS, and type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. I am iron-deficient anemic. 

    Short story, I live with chronic illnesses everyday that cause suffering and pain. They make my life so much harder than someone who is completely healthy. I wish I could have told that to the social workers who were on my case.

    By the way, that DSS got closed last week! We are done with inspections and random pop-up home visits! It took a long time, but we did it! It took almost the whole year! I struggle with Caleb so much. They put us in therapy to work on our relationship. He is now in individual therapy and so am I. 

    I am working on my traumas in therapy. Caleb needs to work on following directions and listening to me the first time. He struggles with completing tasks fully. Caleb has Austism Spectrum Disorder that is clinically diagnosed. He also has ADHD and PTSD, along with ODD. It's no easy task to get him to do what I am telling him to do. He has argue about every little thing and be oppositional. 

    Anyway, the title is "What's New." A summary of what has transpired is 1) DSS cased closed, 2) Hurricane Helen in Western NC, 3) dad's life insurance policy made a decision, 4) we were able to replace Nana's bidet in the hallway bathroom, and 5) I've been using CBD + THC gummies to try to get a good night's sleep, 6) I started the Yoga for Trauma class all over again, and last but not least... 7) I reinvested in trying to make my business succeed.

    There was lots of disaster after PTS (potential tropical storm) #8 in our area. We were not affected by Hurricane Helene though. We are still in hurricane season. I pray they all dissipate before hitting land!

    Last night I cooked baby back ribs, sweet potatoes, and green beans. I made a huge pot of chili a few nights before. I am planning on giving the great of the chili to Carla when she comes over later today because it caused Caleb and me digestion problems. I haven't figured out why. I use to make beanless chili when I was on keto and I don't think I had this kind of reaction. I think it might be due to the beans. I like to eat beans, but beans don't like me. I was burping the flavor of the chili, and farting throughout the night so hard that it made Bella move away from me. I couldn't stay asleep. I got up at 0100 the other morning. I used it to my advantage though. I restarted the Y4T (Yoga for Trauma) class online. I watched the first lecture and then went to bed and read the foreword and acknowledgements. I never got to chapter 1 before falling asleep. 

    This week we are supposed to be on week 2 of the Y4T class. I need to catch up.

    I am trying to clean the house while I am home. Today I will be cooking a picnic bone-in pork butt in the slow cooker, and making a giant batch of pasta salad. I also have to go run out to CVS to pick up Nana's and Caleb's meds and go to Food Lion to buy the pasta salad dressing. Carla is coming over at 1000 so I can visit with her and give her the chili leftovers. The pork butt takes all day to cook so I will be starting to prepare it soon. The pasta salad uses a lot of fresh vegetables, so I will have to start prepping that soon too. 

    I know I have been stuck in survival mode. I didn't have a lot going on in my head because I was constantly sleep-deprived. I am working on getting more sleep. I am trying to sleep through the whole night. I wake up so many times that I hardly get any sleep! I forgot to say that also have sleep apnea.

    The hape's helps me so I can think more clearly. I slow down and relax a little. I can take a break from being in chronic hyperattentive mode. I can calm my body's reactions to chronic stress of being a disabled person with able-bodied life expectations on me. 

    I finally tried the magic mushroom microdose honey sticks. I don't feel a difference when I eat one though. Maybe I need 1.5? or 2 at a time? I was worried that I might not be able to use it because it is in honey. I was told that I was allergic to honey when I was little. I tried it anyway knowing full well that if I had an allergic reaction, it would send me to the ER. Thank God that is not what happened though.

    I need to clear off my incline trainer so Ic an use when I feel well enough to walk on it. I need the living room floor cleared up so I can practice the yoga in the Y4T classes and take notes on how I feel before, during, and after the sessions. 

    I was so fit back around 2013 because I was walking on a treadmill that the apartment complex had in their own mini-gym. I made it fun by listening to playlists that I created for my iPod. I got to the point that I was even dancing on the treadmill! I got down to my training weight, about 145lbs. I lost more than 50 lbs.! I was simplifying my life when I had a psychotic break in the Fall of 2013. Caleb was taken into emergency foster care, and it took me a year to regain custody of him! My heart had ripped out of my chest when I got home and was told that I had to go through a process with DSS to be able to ensure I could parent Caleb. They required that I have someone he could live with in case I ever needed to be hospitalized again. I asked my dad and Nana to live with me. I was scared it might happen again soon. While at the hospital they started me on psychiatric meds. 

    Anyway, it's just a bunch of memories now. Thank God! That had to be one of the hardest years of my life! I was a full-time college student at UNCW at the time and working towards graduation. I graduated in the Spring of 2015 from UNCW with my bachelor's of business administration with a concentration in Information Systems Technology.

    I while back I had some money to spare and I bought some supplements from GNC to help with my lack of energy and fat burning. I tried one so far and it did nothing for me. I think I have 3 or 4 more to try. I bought them during a BOGO free sale. I am currently on Ozempic and my weight is beginning to get lower. I am now on the maximum dose of Ozempic. I am lucky because I don't realize that I have any adverse side effects like some people do. I think my highest weight was 330-something lbs. I weighed in this morning at 302 lbs.! I can't wait to get under 300 lbs. once again. I long to be fit and strong again. I miss having energy. I wish I could remember how I made it through the Summer of 2013 and lost all that weight because I am trying to replicate that now. I was using meal replacement shakes for lunches. I had a simple breakfast of instant oatmeal with fruit in it and a cup of coffee every morning. Well, there's something I no longer do. I don't make myself coffee every morning anymore. I brought my shakes with me everyday to school for my lunch between classes so I wouldn't be tempted to eat junk as snacks. I ate a simple dinner of either tilapia or chicken breast with vegetables and sometimes rice. I think I went to workout nearly every school day. I think my schedule only allowed me to go maybe 3 times a week though. I don't remember that well. My memory is faulty. I wish I could remember stuff I want to know rather than stuff I don't want to focus on. 

    I use to be able to clean the carpet in my hallway every week/ I had to because Bella had accidents while we were not home. I can't do that anymore. I don't have the energy, and my back hurts afterwards. I try to avoid things that are going to bring me pain. I have enough pain daily that I don't want to add to it. Having fibromyalgia doesn't help either. It magnifies the physical pain and multiplies it times a factor depending on how my emotions run. If I am stressed, I will have more flare ups where my body feel inflamed and in pain and nothing can make it stop so I just have tor est it out. I am always stressed, so I am trying to find ways to reduce the stress occurring within my body so I don't have as many flare-ups, or pain issues.

    I am hoping the Y4T class will help me process traumas withing my body. I believe that a lot of my health conditions are a direct result of the psychological stresses placed on me throughout my life and the traumas that caused them. I also believe that movement will help me significantly feel better. Now, if only I could get the living room floor cleared enough to be able to stretch and do yoga practices!

    It is now 0740. I wonder if Nana is awake. If she would like to eat, I will make her standard breakfast for her : 3 scrambled eggs, 1 slice of sourdough toast, a few fresh strawberries, and a small handful of fresh blueberries. I like to eat scrambled eggs with cheese too. I hardly ever make myself breakfast, but I do enjoy it. I have found that I can think more clearly after I have eaten. My whole body feels differently before and after I eat. I love the way I feel after I have eaten a healthy and good taststing meal or snack. I have been buying myself fresh fruits now that I am not on the keto diet anymore. I started eating parboiled rice again too. Parboiled rice is better for diabetics than "regular" white rice. I don't like brown rice. When compared to parboiled rice, I think it might be even better for me, but I can't get over the taste and the texture. 

    So now when I wake up around midnight and need something to help me sleep, I choose an orange, peach, or grapefruit instead of eating Doritos. I also keep a V8 Splash fruit juice medley by my bedside so if all I need is a little bit of sugar, I can just sip it and go back to sleep.

    I've been working on getting the massive amounts of laundry cleaned and cleaning my bedroom. I have more stuff than I have time to deal with. I bought a ton of different exercising things to help me lose weight that I never took out of the box. I have so little "I feel ok" or "I feel good enough" time to do the things I deeply want to do. 

    I wish I could have expressed that directly to the social workers on my case. I couldn't fully express myself due to the stress they caused by showing up at my home whenever it was convenient for them. 

    I haven't heard from Christinia since our last discussion that ended in, " You were on my 'I would die for you' list before, but now you are not. I would not die for you."That's what she told me. She would die for both her kids, and Caleb, but not me. I'm ok with that actually because I don't want her to die for me. The thing is, she was once again trying to hurt me. I haven't attempted to contact her ever since that conversation. I considered blocking her on Facebook, but I don't want her texting me about it, looking for an argument. I'm walking away because that was not the first time she tried to hurt me with her words. I thought she was my friend, but she has got some real issues that I can't allow into my field. I can't help her. I tried my best. She needs professional help. I pray for her to get her life in order and together. I pray that she is successful in working so she can pay me back what she owes me. She owes me for the destruction of my car that I lent her. It was in accident some months ago and totaled because she allowed her disabled veteran neighbor who was apparently drunk at the time to drive my car and he got into a horrible accident. 

    Well, I see my therapist to work on my issues every 2 weeks. I see her again tomorrow as a matter of fact. I take all my meds as prescribed, and I seek medical assistance as needed. 

    I don't know. She told me I was wasting my life. How is that true? I am doing my best every day. I have plans to write a book of my own. I want to lose weight and learn how to play guitar. I have goals and aspirations of my own. One day I want to be able to write my own songs and sing them on videos that I publish. I am doing my best with both Caleb and Nana in my care, plus Bella and Bubba also in my care. I am heavily disabled and still trying to do what neurotypical able-bodied social workers determine I should be doing and also trying to do what Nana tells me to do that is in line with my personality, beliefs, and education. 

    Anyway, the sun is shining this morning. I am happy that it is because it makes it easier for me to work without the pains that come with gray, rainy days. I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I have light therapy box right here next to me ready to be used because I get so depressed as the seasons change and more time is spent in the dark than in the light.

    It's getting late and I have not yet started prepping the pork butt. I have to get started on my day now. It was good to journal again. I like it when I don't struggle to think things to write.

    Thank you for reading! Have a blessed day! Keep us in your prayers! Much love!

The latest

     We are safe in my home! We had some trouble with PTS #8, but were saved from Hurricane Helene. I tried to reach all my friends and family, but some are not cooperative. My heart is heavy for they will not let me know whether they are safe are not. I reached out to my brother, Mathew, but got no response. I reached out to my sister-in-law, Nichole and got a hate-filled response back. I did not even try to reach my half-brother, Eric, nor my half-sister, Sherri. I miss Mathew so much. I did a Google search for him to see if I could find his new address to know whether he was in danger or not, and the first thing that posted was something I never wished on him. My heart is heavy knowing that he is struggling. 

    I know I am different. I count that as a blessing. I don't approve of Trump at all. My other family members do. All I can do is shake my head because they can't see what's wrong with Trump. They are completely blind to what is right in front of them. It's sad because I have a big family, but most of my family members want nothing to do with me at all. They won't even tell me that they are ok.

    I hate Trump and I can't be myself safely around his supporters. This is the story of many groups of people. 

    In other news, I am still praying that my VA disability claims are approved for maximum ratings and that I get approved for VA Aid& Attendance. 

    Mallory is looking to close the DSS case. The dumpster was picked up sometime yesterday morning.

    Caleb has been attending school remotely because of the damages done to the roads and bridges by PTS #8.

    I'm not straining myself to stay connected to Christinia. She says she loves me and then hurts me on purpose because she can't get her way. I helped her more than I have ever helped anyone else in my life. I paid for her groceries to be delivered to her home when I had no extra money to spare. I sacrificed myself to provide for her and her daughter, but she treats me like it never happened or doesn't matter. I'm walking away from it. I can't help her like I hoped I could. She will remain in my prayers though.

    I'm still struggling to buy my own needs. I need to get my business operational. The focus has been on these storms lately and their impacts. 

    I am still without air conditioning in my van. I still need to pay to have my plumbing fixed for good. I have a flood insurance policy due soon that I don't know how I will be able to cover. I haven't been able to pay my credit card bills all year long, and my credit score has suffered. I struggle to pay for groceries all month long. I'm addicted to vaping because of the stress I am under.  

    I went to meet some American Legion members last Wednesday to see if I could get some help. They are going to come by the house at some point. 

    I am struggling to take care of myself. I haven't even done my morning routines today other than taking my medications and giving Caleb his medications. My hair is a mess, and I haven't washed up to start the day. I'm struggling to get my work done around the house. I've got so little energy and I'm constantly tired, exhausted, and needing peace and rest. 

    I am just trying to download my thoughts so I can move on with my day. It is not helpful to have all this grief caused by friends and family and all these arguments going on in my head. 

    I have to figure out what to do for dinner. I just got paid, and already have no money left after paying the mortgage and the Spectrum bills and going to Walmart.

    I am grateful for my real friends. My true friends support me and love me as I am.

    I guess it is Bella's birthday month this month. She turns 10 I think.

    I don't know what to eat for lunch.

    I struggled with my printer most of the afternoon on Sunday. It was on but listed as "offline." It took a lot to get it back to functioning so I could print what I needed to print. 

    Thank God for Nana. She is always available to talk to me. I miss my dad. She does too.

    I am grateful for what I have going for me, and ask God humbly to continue to protect me as I move forward. I pray for obstacles to my success to be removed. That my health be restored. That my son keeps safe, and my dogs stay healthy.

    I miss my dad's jokes all the time. I know he watching out for me now. 

    I have to get moving on taking care of my needs.

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day! Much love!