What's New

     It is now 0642 and I have been awake since 0400. I just did my hape'. I am really taking to the Bobinsana hape' from Four Visions Market. It'a great way to start my day. I feel lighter after the effects wear off. I feel like the heaviness that surrounds me is there no longer. It's great for helping move past my depression and grief. I am starting to feel better and be able to cook more frequently. I don't know if anyone knows how hard it is on me to do all the things it takes to raise a child with special needs while taking care of very physically disabled stepmom, and providing for 2 dogs, all while trying to keep the house clean and everyone fed non-stop. It's a lot of pressure for one person. I am disabled myself. I have a long list of disabilities. The first I always mention is Autism Spectrum Disorder. Although I am not clinically diagnosed yet, I am self-diagnosed from what I have read so far and the Canadian psychological tests they use to determine if someone has Autism. I took those tests a few years ago, but I have questioned it since being told while I was AIT in Ft. Sam Houston by one of my battle buddies who studied psychology that I might have Asperger's. From that moment on, I had to find out what that meant. I was clueless! When I began reading, I began to feel he was right. I was 20-something already then. 

    I also have major depression and C-PTSD. I have fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, PCOS, spinal nerves touching bones, a history of seizures, GERD, IBS, and type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. I am iron-deficient anemic. 

    Short story, I live with chronic illnesses everyday that cause suffering and pain. They make my life so much harder than someone who is completely healthy. I wish I could have told that to the social workers who were on my case.

    By the way, that DSS got closed last week! We are done with inspections and random pop-up home visits! It took a long time, but we did it! It took almost the whole year! I struggle with Caleb so much. They put us in therapy to work on our relationship. He is now in individual therapy and so am I. 

    I am working on my traumas in therapy. Caleb needs to work on following directions and listening to me the first time. He struggles with completing tasks fully. Caleb has Austism Spectrum Disorder that is clinically diagnosed. He also has ADHD and PTSD, along with ODD. It's no easy task to get him to do what I am telling him to do. He has argue about every little thing and be oppositional. 

    Anyway, the title is "What's New." A summary of what has transpired is 1) DSS cased closed, 2) Hurricane Helen in Western NC, 3) dad's life insurance policy made a decision, 4) we were able to replace Nana's bidet in the hallway bathroom, and 5) I've been using CBD + THC gummies to try to get a good night's sleep, 6) I started the Yoga for Trauma class all over again, and last but not least... 7) I reinvested in trying to make my business succeed.

    There was lots of disaster after PTS (potential tropical storm) #8 in our area. We were not affected by Hurricane Helene though. We are still in hurricane season. I pray they all dissipate before hitting land!

    Last night I cooked baby back ribs, sweet potatoes, and green beans. I made a huge pot of chili a few nights before. I am planning on giving the great of the chili to Carla when she comes over later today because it caused Caleb and me digestion problems. I haven't figured out why. I use to make beanless chili when I was on keto and I don't think I had this kind of reaction. I think it might be due to the beans. I like to eat beans, but beans don't like me. I was burping the flavor of the chili, and farting throughout the night so hard that it made Bella move away from me. I couldn't stay asleep. I got up at 0100 the other morning. I used it to my advantage though. I restarted the Y4T (Yoga for Trauma) class online. I watched the first lecture and then went to bed and read the foreword and acknowledgements. I never got to chapter 1 before falling asleep. 

    This week we are supposed to be on week 2 of the Y4T class. I need to catch up.

    I am trying to clean the house while I am home. Today I will be cooking a picnic bone-in pork butt in the slow cooker, and making a giant batch of pasta salad. I also have to go run out to CVS to pick up Nana's and Caleb's meds and go to Food Lion to buy the pasta salad dressing. Carla is coming over at 1000 so I can visit with her and give her the chili leftovers. The pork butt takes all day to cook so I will be starting to prepare it soon. The pasta salad uses a lot of fresh vegetables, so I will have to start prepping that soon too. 

    I know I have been stuck in survival mode. I didn't have a lot going on in my head because I was constantly sleep-deprived. I am working on getting more sleep. I am trying to sleep through the whole night. I wake up so many times that I hardly get any sleep! I forgot to say that also have sleep apnea.

    The hape's helps me so I can think more clearly. I slow down and relax a little. I can take a break from being in chronic hyperattentive mode. I can calm my body's reactions to chronic stress of being a disabled person with able-bodied life expectations on me. 

    I finally tried the magic mushroom microdose honey sticks. I don't feel a difference when I eat one though. Maybe I need 1.5? or 2 at a time? I was worried that I might not be able to use it because it is in honey. I was told that I was allergic to honey when I was little. I tried it anyway knowing full well that if I had an allergic reaction, it would send me to the ER. Thank God that is not what happened though.

    I need to clear off my incline trainer so Ic an use when I feel well enough to walk on it. I need the living room floor cleared up so I can practice the yoga in the Y4T classes and take notes on how I feel before, during, and after the sessions. 

    I was so fit back around 2013 because I was walking on a treadmill that the apartment complex had in their own mini-gym. I made it fun by listening to playlists that I created for my iPod. I got to the point that I was even dancing on the treadmill! I got down to my training weight, about 145lbs. I lost more than 50 lbs.! I was simplifying my life when I had a psychotic break in the Fall of 2013. Caleb was taken into emergency foster care, and it took me a year to regain custody of him! My heart had ripped out of my chest when I got home and was told that I had to go through a process with DSS to be able to ensure I could parent Caleb. They required that I have someone he could live with in case I ever needed to be hospitalized again. I asked my dad and Nana to live with me. I was scared it might happen again soon. While at the hospital they started me on psychiatric meds. 

    Anyway, it's just a bunch of memories now. Thank God! That had to be one of the hardest years of my life! I was a full-time college student at UNCW at the time and working towards graduation. I graduated in the Spring of 2015 from UNCW with my bachelor's of business administration with a concentration in Information Systems Technology.

    I while back I had some money to spare and I bought some supplements from GNC to help with my lack of energy and fat burning. I tried one so far and it did nothing for me. I think I have 3 or 4 more to try. I bought them during a BOGO free sale. I am currently on Ozempic and my weight is beginning to get lower. I am now on the maximum dose of Ozempic. I am lucky because I don't realize that I have any adverse side effects like some people do. I think my highest weight was 330-something lbs. I weighed in this morning at 302 lbs.! I can't wait to get under 300 lbs. once again. I long to be fit and strong again. I miss having energy. I wish I could remember how I made it through the Summer of 2013 and lost all that weight because I am trying to replicate that now. I was using meal replacement shakes for lunches. I had a simple breakfast of instant oatmeal with fruit in it and a cup of coffee every morning. Well, there's something I no longer do. I don't make myself coffee every morning anymore. I brought my shakes with me everyday to school for my lunch between classes so I wouldn't be tempted to eat junk as snacks. I ate a simple dinner of either tilapia or chicken breast with vegetables and sometimes rice. I think I went to workout nearly every school day. I think my schedule only allowed me to go maybe 3 times a week though. I don't remember that well. My memory is faulty. I wish I could remember stuff I want to know rather than stuff I don't want to focus on. 

    I use to be able to clean the carpet in my hallway every week/ I had to because Bella had accidents while we were not home. I can't do that anymore. I don't have the energy, and my back hurts afterwards. I try to avoid things that are going to bring me pain. I have enough pain daily that I don't want to add to it. Having fibromyalgia doesn't help either. It magnifies the physical pain and multiplies it times a factor depending on how my emotions run. If I am stressed, I will have more flare ups where my body feel inflamed and in pain and nothing can make it stop so I just have tor est it out. I am always stressed, so I am trying to find ways to reduce the stress occurring within my body so I don't have as many flare-ups, or pain issues.

    I am hoping the Y4T class will help me process traumas withing my body. I believe that a lot of my health conditions are a direct result of the psychological stresses placed on me throughout my life and the traumas that caused them. I also believe that movement will help me significantly feel better. Now, if only I could get the living room floor cleared enough to be able to stretch and do yoga practices!

    It is now 0740. I wonder if Nana is awake. If she would like to eat, I will make her standard breakfast for her : 3 scrambled eggs, 1 slice of sourdough toast, a few fresh strawberries, and a small handful of fresh blueberries. I like to eat scrambled eggs with cheese too. I hardly ever make myself breakfast, but I do enjoy it. I have found that I can think more clearly after I have eaten. My whole body feels differently before and after I eat. I love the way I feel after I have eaten a healthy and good taststing meal or snack. I have been buying myself fresh fruits now that I am not on the keto diet anymore. I started eating parboiled rice again too. Parboiled rice is better for diabetics than "regular" white rice. I don't like brown rice. When compared to parboiled rice, I think it might be even better for me, but I can't get over the taste and the texture. 

    So now when I wake up around midnight and need something to help me sleep, I choose an orange, peach, or grapefruit instead of eating Doritos. I also keep a V8 Splash fruit juice medley by my bedside so if all I need is a little bit of sugar, I can just sip it and go back to sleep.

    I've been working on getting the massive amounts of laundry cleaned and cleaning my bedroom. I have more stuff than I have time to deal with. I bought a ton of different exercising things to help me lose weight that I never took out of the box. I have so little "I feel ok" or "I feel good enough" time to do the things I deeply want to do. 

    I wish I could have expressed that directly to the social workers on my case. I couldn't fully express myself due to the stress they caused by showing up at my home whenever it was convenient for them. 

    I haven't heard from Christinia since our last discussion that ended in, " You were on my 'I would die for you' list before, but now you are not. I would not die for you."That's what she told me. She would die for both her kids, and Caleb, but not me. I'm ok with that actually because I don't want her to die for me. The thing is, she was once again trying to hurt me. I haven't attempted to contact her ever since that conversation. I considered blocking her on Facebook, but I don't want her texting me about it, looking for an argument. I'm walking away because that was not the first time she tried to hurt me with her words. I thought she was my friend, but she has got some real issues that I can't allow into my field. I can't help her. I tried my best. She needs professional help. I pray for her to get her life in order and together. I pray that she is successful in working so she can pay me back what she owes me. She owes me for the destruction of my car that I lent her. It was in accident some months ago and totaled because she allowed her disabled veteran neighbor who was apparently drunk at the time to drive my car and he got into a horrible accident. 

    Well, I see my therapist to work on my issues every 2 weeks. I see her again tomorrow as a matter of fact. I take all my meds as prescribed, and I seek medical assistance as needed. 

    I don't know. She told me I was wasting my life. How is that true? I am doing my best every day. I have plans to write a book of my own. I want to lose weight and learn how to play guitar. I have goals and aspirations of my own. One day I want to be able to write my own songs and sing them on videos that I publish. I am doing my best with both Caleb and Nana in my care, plus Bella and Bubba also in my care. I am heavily disabled and still trying to do what neurotypical able-bodied social workers determine I should be doing and also trying to do what Nana tells me to do that is in line with my personality, beliefs, and education. 

    Anyway, the sun is shining this morning. I am happy that it is because it makes it easier for me to work without the pains that come with gray, rainy days. I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I have light therapy box right here next to me ready to be used because I get so depressed as the seasons change and more time is spent in the dark than in the light.

    It's getting late and I have not yet started prepping the pork butt. I have to get started on my day now. It was good to journal again. I like it when I don't struggle to think things to write.

    Thank you for reading! Have a blessed day! Keep us in your prayers! Much love!