5 Year Journal Day 291

      Today's prompt is " You woke up at _______." I woke up at 10:30 p.m. 

     It has been a few weeks since I last wrote. I have been trying to sleep through the night, and therefor am not getting up to write. Yesterday I could not sleep, and woke up every hour or so from midnight forward. I eventually got up and started cleaning up. I began picking up the trash on the floor in my bedroom. I collected trash from before, and must have gotten sidetracked, and left the mostly full bag on the floor. I picked up the pieces that fell out, and began cleaning around the table next to my bed. It was about 4:00 in the morning. I started the laundry too. I ended up with 2 full bags of trash to be taken out, and 2 laundry baskets of clean laundry to be folded and put away. I worked up a sweat, and got tired, so I laid down for a few minutes, and fell asleep. 

     I got up around 6:30 a.m. and got Caleb up around 7:30 a.m. I had a chocolate flavored seamoss meal replacement shake for breakfast, and took my medications. I got Caleb's medications prepared for him. Caleb had an appointment at 10:30 a.m. to see his therapist and psychiatrist. Before we left, I cleaned up the kitchen space to be able to cook dinner. Caleb took the kitchen recycling out, the recycling by my workspace out, the 2 bags of trash out, and emptied the dishwasher for me. He put the sofa cushions back on the couch too. I pre-washed most of the dishes and put them in the dishwasher, and the others I hand washed. I cleaned the countertop, and began prepping my crockpot dinner. 

     Dinner was greens, beans, and protein! I used boneless, skinless chicken breast, boneless, skinless chicken thighs, shredded collard greens, cut kale, yellow onions, pinto beans, ginger root, garlic powder, seasoned salt, black pepper, and extra virgin olive oil. Oh! And one more thing! Dandelion flowers and stems! It turned out really tasty. 

     Caleb's therapy session went well and so did his psychiatrist appointment. We came home and I was starving! I almost had to stop at a fast food restaurant on the way home. I got home and ate 4 hard boiled eggs that were waiting for me in the fridge. I also had artichoke hearts, hearts of palm, and jalepeno stuffed olives. I was really hungry.

     By that time, I was in need of a nap. I forgot to mention that I had 3 instances that made me feel light -headed and dizzy while I was driving home. I went to nap, and did not get back up until about 5 p.m. Dinner was ready to eat. Caleb was not home. He went to the park to fish. 

     I ate dinner, and took my medications. Caleb fed Bella, and ate dinner too. I began working on the house finances after dinner. I needed to make sure that all my accounts were going to be paid , and figure out what my balance is. I updated the incoming mail list too. After that, I went to bed. I woke up around 10:30 p.m. and about every hour later, and here I am at 1:54 a.m. writing my blog. 

     On Monday, Caleb had a doctor's appointment early in the morning for his second HPV shot. I woke up early enough to take a shower, but not early enough to do my morning routine, or put socks on for that matter. So, we came back home after the appointment. 

     I had to go to the VA clinic to have labs and x-rays taken. Caleb had the option of staying home alone, but he wanted to go with me instead. He had to wait in the van while I went in the clinic because children are not allowed inside right now, due to Covid-19. It took almost 2 hours to get everything done. When I was walking to the Mazda, Caleb ran up to me and gave me a hug!

     We left and stopped at Harris Teeter to see if the fried chicken bucket was on sale. It wasn't, but we bought other groceries while we were there. Then we went to Arby's so I could could have the 2 for $6 Greek gyros for lunch. Caleb had a Jamocha shake. We then came home, and let Bella out. Caleb brought the groceries inside, and I think I went to lay down. 

     Caleb made a mess making Ramen noodles for dinner. I also ate artichoke hearts, hearts of palm, and garlic stuffed olives for dinner. We took our medications, and fed Bella, and went to bed. 

     A real estate agent also came over to introduce herself. She just sold Billy's house, and the buyer wanted to know if I was interested in selling my house. 

     I called my dad to talk about it. I have mixed feelings about moving. I want to move further inland, where the water bill and taxes would be less, but I want to stay in the county because I don't want to change our setup we have with our medical teams and government assistance. I want to have more land, but I still want to be in a safe neighborhood. I want to make my life easier, with closer access to my appointments in Wilmington. I want a newer house with no problems. My credit is not ready for me to move, so that is the deciding factor. 

     I like that we live so close to the Veterans' Park. Caleb can walk down the street and go fishing at the intracoastal waterway. Caleb knows alot of the neighbors here too. I have done alot to this property, and cannot see just leaving it. I have not yet paid for the shed in full yet. 

     I am taking 2 courses through the Magdalene Rose Temple. One is "The 7 Temples of Isis: Rose Flame Serpent Mystery School", and the other is the "Rose Priestess Academy". Both involve the sacred divine feminine and guided meditations.

     I am still in the Maiden Circle with Ethony Dawn, but I do not keep up with the work like I use to. 

     I am reading a book called "The Energy Codes."   I have not finished the book about Survival as an Empath. As a matter of fact, I no longer know where that book is. 

     I have alot of books to read that I have collected. There just isn't enough time in the day to do all my work and still have the mental capacity to read and stay awake. 

     Today, I have my appointment with Dr. Gellman about my Military Sexual Trauma. Other than that, I don't know what is going on. I want to plant the blue juniper trees and rose bushes in the ground that I bought, but I need to buy some new shovels so Caleb and I can work together. 

     I almost forgot. Yesterday was Day 1 of starting over. I am taking Victoza now, and am going to increase my dosage today to 1.2 mg. I want to replace at least one meal with a shake, a day. I want to alternate days of yoga and strength training with dumbbells. I also have to include time to do my resistance bands, as well as my electrical muscle stimulators, and my far infrared blanket too. 

     I have began moving over to sustainable cleaning products and shower products. I am now using Grove Collaborative cleaning supplies. I have reusable glass spray bottles for my multi-surface cleaner and glass cleaner. I have a glass bottle for the air freshener. I have reusable clothes to use instead of paper towels. I am now composting food waste in the yard. I am using 100% recycled plastic trash bags too. I have plant based cleaning brushes on the way. I have reusable laundry detergent bottles and Earth-friendly packaging for refills. 

     I have new house plants that I am trying to keep alive. I just filled out the Arbor Day survey online because they sent me a letter. 

     I bought some new shorts and bras to find the best fitting ones. Hot weather is coming and I don't want to feel my sweat. 

     It is now 2:40 a.m. and I have to take my iron pill and orange juice. I am still very much awake. Maybe I will go read in bed.

   I have Earth-friendly soaps, toothbrushes, deodorants, shampoo, and conditioner too. 

5 Year Journal Day 290

      Today's prompt is "You woke up at ____." Caleb woke me up shortly after 10 p.m. tonight for the first time because he had a nightmare. He woke me up a couple hours after that too. 

     It is now 2:07 a.m. I am awake because I could not fall back asleep after Caleb kept waking me. I also had alot of gas going both ways, and it was hurting. Yesterday was a much more productive day. I woke up again around 9 a.m. and began my routine. I took my meds and and had a leftover piece of a pizza. for breakfast. 

     I decided to go through some of the papers in my workspace. I put together the rest of the weatherization application and prepared it for mailing. I also called the Social Security Administration to apply for SSI for myself and for Caleb. I do not qualify currently because my income is more than the maximum allowed for SSI, but Caleb might qualify. I also put together a packet referring to to all the calls and mail I have received regarding the appointment I had with the hematologist on December 7, 2020. It was pre-approved, and I will not pay it. VA is responsible for it. So that took a great deal of the morning doing those things. I would have done more on my VA Aid & Attendance, but I have to wait until I see my PCP for her signature. 

     I got alot of things that I ordered in the mail today. I received the light weight, quick dry bath towel. The Swanson Vitamins supplements came in. The Bespoke Weekender bag came in too. The "unpaper" towels also arrived. 

     The bamboo toothbrushes came in the other day, along with the bars of soap. The silicone scrubbers arrived earlier than that, along with the reusable laundry cleaning supplies. I got the Mushroom Master Blend supplements yesterday.

     Everything is coming along nicely. 

     I had to order a new water jug because my current one is plastic and cracked on the bottom so it leaks. The new one is made of stainless steel and should last much longer. 

     So it was about 2 p.m. when I decided that I had no energy to grocery AND cook, so we decided to go out to eat. We drove to Wilmington for the Hibachi Grill Supreme Buffet. When we got back home, I took my medications, and was ready for bed. It was still early. 

     I did call my dad, however, after I took my medications. The point was to discuss things I needed to talk to him about, but he highjacked the conversation and made it about something unrelated. All of a sudden, the conversation was geared towards how I am doing ok because I listened to him sometimes, but I would be doing better if I listened to him all the time. I ask you this, what child do you know does EVERY SINGLE THING his or her parent says ALL THE TIME? I know of none. There is nothing wrong with me wanting to make decisions based on my own experiences and feelings. If he didn't want to push me in the wrong directions, he should have thought twice about being violent with me, Mathew, and Caleb. It's hard to trust someone when that person is violent, aggressive, and seems to hate alot of people. 

     He seems to have a vision of people that I don't care for. He does not look at himself with those same eyes. 

     He thinks , for some reason, that I made a choice between him and Christinia. I didn't. He made a choice to assault Caleb on 2 different occasions and had to pay the consequences. Christinia had only been here for a few days and had nothing to do with him making those decisions. His views are distorted. My relationship with Christinia has absolutely nothing to do with him. He is jealous that she was able to remain living with me, with my assistance, instead of him. That's not my fault. That's his fault. 

     He actually brought up a boyfriend I had when I was 18 years old, like that is relevant. What does a boyfriend from literally 20 years ago have to do with me now? I am not with him. I have not been with him since then. I don't understand what he gets out of trying to break me down. I am not attached to my 18 year old memories like they are yesterday. He did not hurt me. 

     He talks about the impressions of my "bad decisions" from his view point. As long as he talks to me the way he was talking to me, he will never learn the truth behind what I was doing at those times. 

     I have been meaning to enlighten him about the police report of the MST I suffered that lead to my pregnancy with Caleb. I can't with him not on his bipolar medications. It's not worth it. I will keep it to myself for now. He has not been seeing a psychiatrist, and therefore not able to refill his depression/bipolar/PTSD medications. 

     Even my dream tonight was about getting away from my dad. It was weird. 

     I found out that Marilyn from WoVen is in Fayetteville and wanted to meet up with her while she is so closeby. She lives somewhere in the midwest, so it is not usual for her to be here in NC. I asked her to meet up halfway between us, and we decided to meet for lunch at the Jones Lake State Park in Elizabethtown, NC. With all this waking up, and not getting sleep, I don't know if I will have the energy to make it. It is only 73 miles away, but that is a long way when I am tired. So, that is supposed to happen today, Saturday.

     My birthday is tomorrow, Sunday. 

     I think I might being going through perimenopause or premenopause. I'm going to ask my PCP. I did not realize it came this early. I have not even turned 38 yet! 

     I need a break from my dad bringing me down, for sure. Going to take a break away. 

     I have to take my iron pill and orange juice. I might either read my book or listen to a guided meditation.   

      

5 Year Journal Day 289

      Today's prompt is "How much time do you spend commuting?" Well, I drive about an hour to my medical appointments. I do not have a job because I am a disabled veteran. 

     It is now 4:03 a.m. on Friday. I just purchased a new water bottle because mine has a crack on the bottom. My current water bottle is made of plastic. My new water bottle will be made of stainless steel. It costs more, but I shouldn't have to replace it as often. 

     Yesterday I had a bad pain day. I ended up not doing much, and in fact, sleeping for most of the day. I got up around 11:30 and felt like shit. I took my medications and ate 4 hard boiled eggs. I remembered to take my sugar before eating breakfast. My sugar was 254. I had eaten junk and candy in the middle of the night, so that reading was not bad. 

     I felt the pain in my joints, in my bones, in my major organs, in my muscles... everywhere it hurt. I went to lay down. I was exhausted for some reason. I slept until about 5 p.m. I called my dad when I got back up, and also checked my sugar. My sugar was 133. I drank alot of water, and after getting off the phone with my dad decided I wanted something simple for dinner, but not leftovers. Caleb and I went to Food Lion and picked up some pizzas to cook. 

     Caleb had brought in my mail. I received my bamboo toothbrushes, my mushroom master blend supplement, and my soaps! I would have done a little dance if I felt better. 

     I went to bed relatively early. Jonathan was supposed to come over and pick up the big trash to take it to the dump, but he must have forgotten. 

     My birthday is in a few days. I turn 38! Woop! Woop! 

     I have been buying things that are Earth Friendly to change our habits for my birthday season. So far, I have changed the multi-surface cleaner, and to a reusable glass spray container, the window cleaner, and to a reusable glass spray container, 2 reusable cleaning towels, reusable glass spray container and essential oil air fresheners, 100% recycled plastic trash bags, bar soap for body, bar shampoo, bar conditioner, bar face wash, a light-weight bath towel that absorbs without the weight and dries quickly, reusable laundry soap container, reusable laundry rinse container, reusable dryer angel, reusable "unpaper" towels, sustainable deodorants with reusable container, plant based cleaning brushes for dishes and bathroom use, and last but not least a new stainless steel reusable water jug! Woop, woop! 

     I feel like a hero!

     I also bought a countertop compost container with compost bags, a new recycling container to collect the recycling in, and new reusable grocery bags that unfold into boxes with handles. 

     Let's see, what else?

     I have been busy trying to get things taken care of around here because of the plumbers coming and the yard getting mowed. Maybe I just did too much at once. 

     The other night, I woke up and could not sleep. I read the first chapter of a book about Energy Codes for Healing. I have been meaning to read more. There are so many books that I want to read, but life won't let me sit there and read. I have to be actively working on the house all the time. 

     My dad's cousin, Erick, was in the hospital for Covid-19. He is home now. 

     My dad wanted to send Tia Rosaly money so I told him about paypal. We finally got the payment to her son, Wagner, who she is living with. We had trouble at first because something was wrong with paypal. The next day it was working again though. 

     My dad gave me money to be able to afford Jonathan to mow the grass plus some. He did not have to do that. I was only asking for $40 because I had spent so much money and forgotten that I would have to get the lawn mowed. That was a relief though. 

     Caleb just woke up. 

     I am behind in alot of my studies. I struggle to keep up with everything I want to do. I do not have the energy to get everything done that I want to get done. I have to pick and choose all the time because I can only do so much. 

     I just tried to call my dad back. He called me after I fell asleep last night. It is now 4:43 a.m. No one answered. I can never tell when they will be awake. 

     I have not heard from my mom lately. I know she is working.

     I was just looking through the Swanson Vitamins' catalog.  

     So, today is Friday and I have no idea what I am going to do. I need to get some laundry done. I need to clean the hallway bathroom from top to bottom. There are all kinds of things that I need to clean around here. My work space is cluttered with piles of papers again. I am going to see if I can get  to my SSI application online now. 

5 Year Journal Day 288

      Today's prompt is "What expression do you overuse?" I don't know.

     Today is Wednesday. It is now 6:08 p.m. I woke up at noon today, and therefor had a very short day. I could not sleep last night. It was 4:00 a.m. before I lost track of time and eventually fell asleep. I had bad gas and was hot. I could not get cooled off. 

     Caleb and I went out into the yard and picked up as much trash as we could and put it into bags. It was hot outside already and I could not stay out there long. I wanted to have all the yard trash put together in bags before Jonathan came over to mow the grass. We got about half of the trash picked up before Jonathan came over. He agreed to help us take our bigger trash to the town dump in his truck for us. The yard looks alot better now. 

     Caleb and I went to Food Lion for the $5 sushi Wednesday for dinner, and bought sushi. We just got home. It feels good with the window unit air conditioner on. 

     I was much more productive yesterday. I wore my new apron and hand washed some dishes, and pre-washed some dishes for the dishwasher. I prepared a pork stew dinner that I cooked in the crockpot. It was made with stew cut pork (lean), smoked sausages, and a ham bone. It also had cabbage, yellow onions, baby carrots, and celery with ginger root , minced garlic, water, and extra virgin olive oil, seasoned with "Competition Smoked" seasoning that I bought on clearance. 

     I got the laundry started, and was getting Caleb to prep the house for the plumber to come and fix the shower water knob. I put my vegetable clippings in the compost. I filled the recycling bin after sorting throw the "trash." 

     I sat down and figured out my account balances. I wrote down what I am expecting in the mail, so I don't lose track of what I have paid for. 

     I created a paypal account for my dad like he wanted. I helped him do an online search for something he was looking for. 

     Caleb and I went out to Food Lion in the night. It was 9:30 and people were outside riding bikes in the dark.  I thought it was weird. We bought some ice cream and clearance Easter chocolates. 

     Prior to that, I took a shower, and fell asleep on my bed. I had taken my medications, but did not give Caleb his medications yet. 

     Tomorrow the only thing I have planned is for Jonathan to come over after work and pick up the big trash that won't fit in our trash bins to take to the dump. I need to get more laundry done. Other than that, I am pretty free. I need to get up early before it gets hot, and break down the chest of drawers that is deteriorating in the backyard to put the pieces into bags. 

     At some point, I need to clean the hallway bathroom from top to bottom. 

     I am trying to figure out if I will be getting the Child Tax Credit monthly payments starting in July. I don't know because I do not make enough taxable income to pay any taxes, and so would not qualify for the Child Tax Credit refund on my 2021 tax return. I should get the monthly payment though, because I do file my taxes and show that I have a child dependent. It's not very clear right now. I am reading everything I can find to get more information. It would really be helpful. 

     I need to work on getting my weatherization paperwork completed and submitted in whole. 

      The VA Aid & Attendance paperwork will have to wait until July because that is when my appointment is. There is no sooner available time to see my primary care provider. I need her to help me fill out the form and she needs to sign and date it before I can submit it. 

     Last, but not least, I need to figure what the problem is in submitting the paperwork for SSI for both Caleb and me. 

     My birthday is coming up and I have spent alot of money on Earth saving products. I bought cleaning products from Grove Collaboration, Earth friendly bars of soap, bamboo toothbrushes, plant based cleaning brushes, and more! I got a little out of hand. It is addicting to spend money, but I really shouldn't. I won't have anything to fall on if something happens. 

     I turn 38 this year. I can not believe I have survived this long. I honestly thought I would die young. 

     I have an idea that I might like to get patented. It could be good. I am thinking of how to make a prototype. 

     I filed a dispute with the company that I bought some Selenite fireplace sculptures from with my credit card company. They never sent me tracking information for my shipment and my shipment never arrived. I ordered the stuff at the end of January and it's now the beginning of April, and I still don't have what I already paid for. 

     Last night I couldn't sleep. I started reading a new book. I never finished the Empath Survival Guide. I think I have a few chapters left in that book. This new book is about Energy Codes and Healing. I finished the first chapter. I think I will go read Chapter 2 once I finished taking all my night time medications. 

     I am getting tired. I need to take my meds and go to bed so I can get up somewhat early and let Caleb destroy the chest of drawers into smaller pieces so I can pick them up and bag them up. 

     Anyway, I'm going to get moving towards getting in bed. 

5 Year Journal Day 287

      Today's prompt is "You have no patience for ____" Stupid people.

       It has been awhile since I last blogged. I have been trying to sleep through the night, and get busy during the day. It is now 9:02 p.m. on Monday. Yesterday was Easter Sunday. Caleb and I went to spend the day with my dad and Sharon. We had a good time.  Caleb brought his Xbox so he could stay occupied for the time we were in the motel room. Sharon cooked the last minute items and heated our plates. Dad and I talked non-stop about everything under the sun. Bella was good the whole time we were there. We ate ham, green beans, sweet potatoes, and pineapple for dinner. Sharon put together an appetizer spread for all of us to eat. I ate the whole time I was there. 

     Sunday morning I woke up because dad called me. It was about 9:30 a.m. , but I was still very tired. I got up and called him back. It takes an hour and a half to get to where he is, but I was just so tired. The night before dad kept me up on the phone until 11 p.m. , 3 hours passed my bedtime. 

     Saturday I cooked the sweet potatoes. I also got a letter in the mail from the Town about the yard condition. Ugh. I wish someone could help me with the yard. I wish Caleb could get it together and pick his shit up. 

     Friday we  had a different plumber come to install the new toilet. I had to purchase a new toilet and services to install through Lowe's because the plumber who came to the house earlier reported that the damage to the toilet was not due to normal wear and tear and therefor not covered by the home warranty.  

     Thursday, or maybe it was Wednesday, a plumber came to fix the shower knob and replace the wax seal to the toilet. Instead of replacing the seal, he said the toilet needed to be replaced. So, I wasn't happy about that, because I did not want to replace the toilet. He said it was leaking from the tank when it clearly wasn't. He put the universal shower knob I had already purchased on the shower knob, but said he would order the correct knob for the shower and come back to replace it. 

      Back to today though. I slept in. I was tired. I went and bought us frozen pizzas to cook for lunch/dinner.  I watered most of the plants, and tried to pick up a little bit. Stacy and Bruce came over with one of their guys to fix the attic door for me. I needed a nap, so I took one. I only got up to take my night meds. I was just really tired today. I hope tomorrow is better. 

     Yesterday morning I had to remove the ham from the bone, and wash the green beans before I could pack everything up and go. Dad rented an extra room for us to spend the day in so it would be less crowded than being in their room. Bella went with us on the trip over there. I packed my CPAP in case I needed a nap before driving home. I did not pack my medications, because 1) it's a pain in the ass to keep them organized, and 2) I didn't want to sleep away from home. We left around 11:30 a.m. and stopped along the way for a snack because I did not have breakfast, lunch, or a snack with my morning medications, and I was getting hungry. Besides Bella was whining and I thought maybe she needed to go outside. I was tired when I got there. I drank cherry coke zero sugar the entire time we were there in order to stay awake.

     I went to bed early tonight but could not go to sleep again. My pelvis hurt. I am tired now though. 

     Caleb came in the room and told me we should have gotten chocolates. I agreed. So we went to Food Lion and I also bought some sushi because I was hungry. 

     I left this post.