Today's prompt is "You woke up at ____." Caleb woke me up shortly after 10 p.m. tonight for the first time because he had a nightmare. He woke me up a couple hours after that too.
It is now 2:07 a.m. I am awake because I could not fall back asleep after Caleb kept waking me. I also had alot of gas going both ways, and it was hurting. Yesterday was a much more productive day. I woke up again around 9 a.m. and began my routine. I took my meds and and had a leftover piece of a pizza. for breakfast.
I decided to go through some of the papers in my workspace. I put together the rest of the weatherization application and prepared it for mailing. I also called the Social Security Administration to apply for SSI for myself and for Caleb. I do not qualify currently because my income is more than the maximum allowed for SSI, but Caleb might qualify. I also put together a packet referring to to all the calls and mail I have received regarding the appointment I had with the hematologist on December 7, 2020. It was pre-approved, and I will not pay it. VA is responsible for it. So that took a great deal of the morning doing those things. I would have done more on my VA Aid & Attendance, but I have to wait until I see my PCP for her signature.
I got alot of things that I ordered in the mail today. I received the light weight, quick dry bath towel. The Swanson Vitamins supplements came in. The Bespoke Weekender bag came in too. The "unpaper" towels also arrived.
The bamboo toothbrushes came in the other day, along with the bars of soap. The silicone scrubbers arrived earlier than that, along with the reusable laundry cleaning supplies. I got the Mushroom Master Blend supplements yesterday.
Everything is coming along nicely.
I had to order a new water jug because my current one is plastic and cracked on the bottom so it leaks. The new one is made of stainless steel and should last much longer.
So it was about 2 p.m. when I decided that I had no energy to grocery AND cook, so we decided to go out to eat. We drove to Wilmington for the Hibachi Grill Supreme Buffet. When we got back home, I took my medications, and was ready for bed. It was still early.
I did call my dad, however, after I took my medications. The point was to discuss things I needed to talk to him about, but he highjacked the conversation and made it about something unrelated. All of a sudden, the conversation was geared towards how I am doing ok because I listened to him sometimes, but I would be doing better if I listened to him all the time. I ask you this, what child do you know does EVERY SINGLE THING his or her parent says ALL THE TIME? I know of none. There is nothing wrong with me wanting to make decisions based on my own experiences and feelings. If he didn't want to push me in the wrong directions, he should have thought twice about being violent with me, Mathew, and Caleb. It's hard to trust someone when that person is violent, aggressive, and seems to hate alot of people.
He seems to have a vision of people that I don't care for. He does not look at himself with those same eyes.
He thinks , for some reason, that I made a choice between him and Christinia. I didn't. He made a choice to assault Caleb on 2 different occasions and had to pay the consequences. Christinia had only been here for a few days and had nothing to do with him making those decisions. His views are distorted. My relationship with Christinia has absolutely nothing to do with him. He is jealous that she was able to remain living with me, with my assistance, instead of him. That's not my fault. That's his fault.
He actually brought up a boyfriend I had when I was 18 years old, like that is relevant. What does a boyfriend from literally 20 years ago have to do with me now? I am not with him. I have not been with him since then. I don't understand what he gets out of trying to break me down. I am not attached to my 18 year old memories like they are yesterday. He did not hurt me.
He talks about the impressions of my "bad decisions" from his view point. As long as he talks to me the way he was talking to me, he will never learn the truth behind what I was doing at those times.
I have been meaning to enlighten him about the police report of the MST I suffered that lead to my pregnancy with Caleb. I can't with him not on his bipolar medications. It's not worth it. I will keep it to myself for now. He has not been seeing a psychiatrist, and therefore not able to refill his depression/bipolar/PTSD medications.
Even my dream tonight was about getting away from my dad. It was weird.
I found out that Marilyn from WoVen is in Fayetteville and wanted to meet up with her while she is so closeby. She lives somewhere in the midwest, so it is not usual for her to be here in NC. I asked her to meet up halfway between us, and we decided to meet for lunch at the Jones Lake State Park in Elizabethtown, NC. With all this waking up, and not getting sleep, I don't know if I will have the energy to make it. It is only 73 miles away, but that is a long way when I am tired. So, that is supposed to happen today, Saturday.
My birthday is tomorrow, Sunday.
I think I might being going through perimenopause or premenopause. I'm going to ask my PCP. I did not realize it came this early. I have not even turned 38 yet!
I need a break from my dad bringing me down, for sure. Going to take a break away.
I have to take my iron pill and orange juice. I might either read my book or listen to a guided meditation.
No comments:
Post a Comment