5 Year Journal Day 320

      Today's prompt is "Is there anything missing in your life?" Yes there are things missing from my life. I am unable to hold a job, and therefor have no career. My siblings have blocked me and do not communicate with me at all anymore. I am not married, and have no dating relationships. I am not as involved in social groups as I would like to be. I cannot read like I want to. I have books collecting dust that I have bought, but am too tired to read. 

     It is now 5:20 am here on Thursday. Tomorrow is Caleb's birthday. He wants a German chocolate cake for his birthday. 

     Christmas went well. Everyone enjoyed the day and opening presents. Christmas Eve I made a ham, and had Travis come over for dinner. He was more than an hour late when he arrived. We ate as soon as dinner was ready. He made a plate, and told me his drama. I made him a container of food to go and handed him his gifts so I could go to bed. I had just laid down when he arrived. I was sooo tired. The day after Christmas, Christinia made the turkey. 

     I think it was last week we went to Lumberton to see my dad and pick up the Volvo. We went to have dinner at the Cracker Barrel. The next day we tried to start the Volvo and it wouldn't start. We tried to jumpstart it, but the engine wouldn't turn. We gave up for the day after trying to recharge the battery. It was getting late, and I still had to drive home before it got dark. I no longer drive in the dark if I don't have to. 

     I was planning on letting Christinia drive the Volvo since my dad no longer needs it. I am sure it needs a new battery at this point. I will have to drive back again in the future to pick it up again once my dad fixes the problem. 

     Monday was pretty slow. I don't remember doing much. Tuesday, though, I was gone most of the day. I had to go get a lab taken in Leland. When I got there, I found out I was a day late! I must have put the appointment in my calendar wrong. Luckily, I was able to be seen right away anyway. I had blood drawn, and went about my merry way to do all the things I planned to do. 

     The next thing on my list was to drive to Michaels at MayFaire Center and pickup my order. I ordered some art supplies for Christinia and Caleb from the end of year sale. Then Caleb and I stopped at the Hardee's on Oleander for a late lunch. I was hungry and so was he. I wanted to eat before going to the grocery store because I did not want to buy everything in sight when I walked in. After we ate our burgers, I drove to Harris Teeter on Oleander and stocked up on ground chuck. While I was there, I went ahead and bought several ingredients from Christinia's list of groceries for her lasagna. 

     Once we were done there, Caleb and I went to fill the gas tank in Leland. Wilmington's gas prices were 10 cents per gallon higher than Leland's gas prices. Then we drove to Walmart in Southport to pick up Christinia's medications. Harlee requested chocolate ice cream, so I bought her the very last container of chocolate ice cream. I bought the rest of the lasagna ingredients too, as well as some ornament storage boxes. 

     I drove home in the dark, and missed the Food Lion sale on Pepsi products. We ordered Domino's pizzas for dinner and that was about the end of my day.

     Wednesday morning I got up and called my dad to see how he was doing. He had eye surgery on Tuesday. He sounded normal. I went to get the oil changed in the Mazda at Walmart after I took my medications. The guy from Pride Restoration was coming over to work on the bathroom at some point in the morning, so I made sure Christinia was awake to answer the door. I did more grocery shopping while I was there because we needed more lasagna ingredients. 

     Once home, I got on my computer and paid the bills since I had been paid by the VA. I was tired after all of that, and took a nap for a couple of hours until Caleb came in my room with a box and put it on me. It was the rest of the Michaels order. Caleb had an in-home-intensive therapy appointment within minutes of me waking up. Haley, one of the therapists, text me that Caleb had been accepted to Carolina Dunes residential treatment facility. I called her while Simone was here, and Caleb was in the room to discuss what I should do next. 

     Caleb spent the majority of his therapy session discussing what he was looking at on his phone with Simone. By the time the session was over, I knew that Carolina Dunes was not the right answer for Caleb at this point in time. Besides, they had both let me know that that place was really for aggressive behaviors with intent to do harm to self or others. 

     Today the carpenter from Pride Restoration is coming over again to work on the bathroom. Caleb has another therapy session this afternoon. I have to clean up the kitchen so it is clean to cook dinner tonight. I bought chicken thighs that I like to bake, and some cabbage. 

     Tomorrow is Caleb's birthday, and New Year's Eve. Caleb turns 13!  

5 Year Journal Day 319

      Today's prompt is " What do you always avoid?" I always avoid things that will cause me pain, or at least that's what I think. I have fibromyalgia so it's always an issue.

     It is now 4:05 am here. I am awake because I keep waking up from being too sweaty and hot and thirsty. I finally gave up trying to sleep because I feel wide awake for once. 

     Yesterday was a pretty good day. I woke up around 7:00 in the morning and took my medications on time. I gave Caleb his medications, and we went out to run errands together. I took a shower first. Then our first stop was Walmart to grab some odds and ends. Then we went to CVS to pick up Caleb's medications. We came home and I started making phone calls. I had to call the endocrinologist lab to schedule to come in 2 weeks to check to make sure improvements were made by taking the new medications. I called the VA back to schedule my therapy appointment. They are scheduled all the way until March already! I called the mold remediation company I hired to see when they would be putting us on the schedule. Then I needed a nap.

     I laid down for a couple of hours and woke up hungry. I ordered us some Domino's pizzas. Caleb got the laundry going again, and I got the dishwasher running. I hand washed a few dishes, but did not clean up as much as I wanted. I gathered some of the trash around and recycling for Caleb to take out. It never ceases  to amaze me how quickly they pile up. 

      Yesterday was Monday. Sunday, was a bad day for me. I could not stay awake. I would get up out of bed and within minutes be back in bed. Everything was hurting my body. It hurt to sit. It hurt to lay down. I just could not escape it, so I took a few puffs of my Delta-8 vape pen. Nothing else really works as well. It's expensive, and I can't vape all the time, but it's worth it to have it around when I need it. I was feeling badly because Caleb wanted me to be up with him, and I could not stay up. He was bored and wanting to do things, and I just couldn't. 

     I also started my period week this weekend. That's the week in my daily birth control that is a placebo. I am not menstruating again. This was the reason for going to the endocrinologist. Am I going through menopause already? Both my primary care physician and the endocrinologist seem to think that all my medical problems are derived from being fat. I hate being fat shamed by doctors, but this is my reality. I'm in pain! Oh! It's because you are fat! Not because I have depression and fibromyalgia... I'm not having periods anymore!! It's because you are too big. It has nothing to do with the decrease in egg releasing hormones that show up in my labs.  

     Last week I got a call from the endocrinologist office with my lab results. My A1c was 6.6!!! A1c under 6.5 is no longer diabetic range. My urine showed signs of kidney stress from my diabetes, and my bad cholesterol was 102. LDL is supposed to be below 70. 

     I also went to meet my dad and Dona Sharon in Shallotte for dinner at Chili's last week. Dona Sharon had an appointment in the area. I ordered a cheeseburger with jalepenos, avocado, parsley, and some other stuff. It was delicious! It was good to see my dad and Dona Sharon again. It seems like it has been a long time since I last saw them. 

     Christinia went on a trip to visit her son last week, and will be back today. I am trying to catch up on my chores before she comes home. I wanted the house to be in better shape when she came back, but it's not likely at this point. 

     Harlee went to spend time with her dad while Christinia is away.

     Last week I had a couple of guys come and give me estimates of what it is going to cost to rip out the old cabinets and replace them with new cabinets, and rip out the flooring and replace it as well. I am hoping to be able to do these things after the mold remediation is done, and still have money from the loan I took out. I have a long list of things that need to be fixed around the house before it will pass the VA appraiser's inspection. I am hoping to get it all done, but I don't know if I have enough money to cover all the expenses. Most of the stuff is little stuff like replacing the dryer vent outside the house that is broken. Another thing I have to do is replace the outlet and light switch covers that were removed when the house was being painted. I have the covers, just need to do it. 

     It's the holiday season, and my brothers and sister still don't acknowledge my existence. I tried to reach out to Nichole when I saw that I was no longer blocked by her on facebook, but she does not read my messages. What can I do? Life is only so long. I won't be punished for being myself. 

     Tomorrow I have a VA exam appointment for the disabilities I claimed recently. They are disabilities that I had before the Army, but was unaware of and undiagnosed. 

     Christmas is around the corner. I think we are planning to have another turkey, since Christinia does not like ham. Travis will likely come over to eat. 

     I have been struggling with depression pretty badly lately. I told my psychiatrist about the dark months affecting me negatively. She put in an order for a light box used for those with Seasonal Affective Disorder. I still have not gotten it. My depression is linked to the pain I feel all the time. The pain makes it hard to do things a normal person takes for granted. I just want to clean the kitchen, and I can't because it hurts to stand, I'm so tired, and it hurts to move. Sometimes I can use a lidocaine patch on my back in addition to an Icy Hot back patch and that helps some. Unfortunately my whole body hurts though, and I just want to crawl in my bed and stay there. I definitely feel like hibernating. 

     It's been too long since I have written. Caleb has been having behavioral problems when being asked to do simple chores. He has Oppositional Defiant Disorder, so it should be expected, however, Christinia is still in the learning process so as to not let it affect her. Caleb argues, and yells, and even sometimes gets violent. The key is not let it get that far. Remain in control of the situation and if he does not comply, he is to go to his room. Nothing good can come of a violent interaction. 

     Caleb has had his Xbox, laptop, and phone taken away for a variety of reasons. One night Christinia came to talk to me and we decided for her to take a look into what Caleb is watching on his phone that might be contributing to his outbursts. What she found was horrifying. I took Caleb to his therapist right away in an effort to get help for him. There was lots of porn and violence on his phone. I also went to ask his psychiatrist for a mood stabilizer. I had forgotten he is already on one, Abilify, and so she increased his afternoon dosage.

     I tried to get him into an inpatient program because he was getting violent at home. There were no beds available. It was brought to my attention that he might be better helped at the residential program, so I took the paperwork to his therapist to have it filled out and submitted. I don't like being put in this position. I don't like thinking that I have to give my son up. I don't like being afraid of what he might do next. I can't help but think that I could have done something else, but what? Right now, we are waiting to hear about the Intensive-In-Home program that Caleb's behavioral health team has available while we wait to hear back from the residential program. 

     Caleb doesn't want to go. He doesn't want to miss Christmas, or his birthday. I feel bad for him. I hurt about it. My heart is heavy.  

     Meanwhile, I am struggling to pay bills because Christinia has not been paying rent on time. She pays when child support is paid, and it hasn't been paid recently. I am hoping she follows through with her plans to go back to college in January. I am rooting for her success for both her and for her kids' sake. 

     I'm taking it one day at a time, sometimes, one hour at a time. It's all I can do. I'm doing the best I can.