Today's prompt is " What do you always avoid?" I always avoid things that will cause me pain, or at least that's what I think. I have fibromyalgia so it's always an issue.
It is now 4:05 am here. I am awake because I keep waking up from being too sweaty and hot and thirsty. I finally gave up trying to sleep because I feel wide awake for once.
Yesterday was a pretty good day. I woke up around 7:00 in the morning and took my medications on time. I gave Caleb his medications, and we went out to run errands together. I took a shower first. Then our first stop was Walmart to grab some odds and ends. Then we went to CVS to pick up Caleb's medications. We came home and I started making phone calls. I had to call the endocrinologist lab to schedule to come in 2 weeks to check to make sure improvements were made by taking the new medications. I called the VA back to schedule my therapy appointment. They are scheduled all the way until March already! I called the mold remediation company I hired to see when they would be putting us on the schedule. Then I needed a nap.
I laid down for a couple of hours and woke up hungry. I ordered us some Domino's pizzas. Caleb got the laundry going again, and I got the dishwasher running. I hand washed a few dishes, but did not clean up as much as I wanted. I gathered some of the trash around and recycling for Caleb to take out. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly they pile up.
Yesterday was Monday. Sunday, was a bad day for me. I could not stay awake. I would get up out of bed and within minutes be back in bed. Everything was hurting my body. It hurt to sit. It hurt to lay down. I just could not escape it, so I took a few puffs of my Delta-8 vape pen. Nothing else really works as well. It's expensive, and I can't vape all the time, but it's worth it to have it around when I need it. I was feeling badly because Caleb wanted me to be up with him, and I could not stay up. He was bored and wanting to do things, and I just couldn't.
I also started my period week this weekend. That's the week in my daily birth control that is a placebo. I am not menstruating again. This was the reason for going to the endocrinologist. Am I going through menopause already? Both my primary care physician and the endocrinologist seem to think that all my medical problems are derived from being fat. I hate being fat shamed by doctors, but this is my reality. I'm in pain! Oh! It's because you are fat! Not because I have depression and fibromyalgia... I'm not having periods anymore!! It's because you are too big. It has nothing to do with the decrease in egg releasing hormones that show up in my labs.
Last week I got a call from the endocrinologist office with my lab results. My A1c was 6.6!!! A1c under 6.5 is no longer diabetic range. My urine showed signs of kidney stress from my diabetes, and my bad cholesterol was 102. LDL is supposed to be below 70.
I also went to meet my dad and Dona Sharon in Shallotte for dinner at Chili's last week. Dona Sharon had an appointment in the area. I ordered a cheeseburger with jalepenos, avocado, parsley, and some other stuff. It was delicious! It was good to see my dad and Dona Sharon again. It seems like it has been a long time since I last saw them.
Christinia went on a trip to visit her son last week, and will be back today. I am trying to catch up on my chores before she comes home. I wanted the house to be in better shape when she came back, but it's not likely at this point.
Harlee went to spend time with her dad while Christinia is away.
Last week I had a couple of guys come and give me estimates of what it is going to cost to rip out the old cabinets and replace them with new cabinets, and rip out the flooring and replace it as well. I am hoping to be able to do these things after the mold remediation is done, and still have money from the loan I took out. I have a long list of things that need to be fixed around the house before it will pass the VA appraiser's inspection. I am hoping to get it all done, but I don't know if I have enough money to cover all the expenses. Most of the stuff is little stuff like replacing the dryer vent outside the house that is broken. Another thing I have to do is replace the outlet and light switch covers that were removed when the house was being painted. I have the covers, just need to do it.
It's the holiday season, and my brothers and sister still don't acknowledge my existence. I tried to reach out to Nichole when I saw that I was no longer blocked by her on facebook, but she does not read my messages. What can I do? Life is only so long. I won't be punished for being myself.
Tomorrow I have a VA exam appointment for the disabilities I claimed recently. They are disabilities that I had before the Army, but was unaware of and undiagnosed.
Christmas is around the corner. I think we are planning to have another turkey, since Christinia does not like ham. Travis will likely come over to eat.
I have been struggling with depression pretty badly lately. I told my psychiatrist about the dark months affecting me negatively. She put in an order for a light box used for those with Seasonal Affective Disorder. I still have not gotten it. My depression is linked to the pain I feel all the time. The pain makes it hard to do things a normal person takes for granted. I just want to clean the kitchen, and I can't because it hurts to stand, I'm so tired, and it hurts to move. Sometimes I can use a lidocaine patch on my back in addition to an Icy Hot back patch and that helps some. Unfortunately my whole body hurts though, and I just want to crawl in my bed and stay there. I definitely feel like hibernating.
It's been too long since I have written. Caleb has been having behavioral problems when being asked to do simple chores. He has Oppositional Defiant Disorder, so it should be expected, however, Christinia is still in the learning process so as to not let it affect her. Caleb argues, and yells, and even sometimes gets violent. The key is not let it get that far. Remain in control of the situation and if he does not comply, he is to go to his room. Nothing good can come of a violent interaction.
Caleb has had his Xbox, laptop, and phone taken away for a variety of reasons. One night Christinia came to talk to me and we decided for her to take a look into what Caleb is watching on his phone that might be contributing to his outbursts. What she found was horrifying. I took Caleb to his therapist right away in an effort to get help for him. There was lots of porn and violence on his phone. I also went to ask his psychiatrist for a mood stabilizer. I had forgotten he is already on one, Abilify, and so she increased his afternoon dosage.
I tried to get him into an inpatient program because he was getting violent at home. There were no beds available. It was brought to my attention that he might be better helped at the residential program, so I took the paperwork to his therapist to have it filled out and submitted. I don't like being put in this position. I don't like thinking that I have to give my son up. I don't like being afraid of what he might do next. I can't help but think that I could have done something else, but what? Right now, we are waiting to hear about the Intensive-In-Home program that Caleb's behavioral health team has available while we wait to hear back from the residential program.
Caleb doesn't want to go. He doesn't want to miss Christmas, or his birthday. I feel bad for him. I hurt about it. My heart is heavy.
Meanwhile, I am struggling to pay bills because Christinia has not been paying rent on time. She pays when child support is paid, and it hasn't been paid recently. I am hoping she follows through with her plans to go back to college in January. I am rooting for her success for both her and for her kids' sake.
I'm taking it one day at a time, sometimes, one hour at a time. It's all I can do. I'm doing the best I can.
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