5 Year Journal Day 328

      Today's prompt is "What do you have to get done?" Today I need to clean the kitchen, clean my room, and my bathroom. I also need to Clean the carpet flooring in the hallway and Caleb's room. I don't think I can get all that done in one day, but I can get started. I also have to pay the bills.

     Yesterday was a good day, considering the weather was gloomy, and I fought to stay out of bed. I spent the morning doing my routine. I woke up at 0656, just 4 minutes before my alarm goes off. I checked my glucose, and my weight. I took my morning medications and gave Caleb his. I had a small meal to help digest my medications. I did my Reiki formal practice. Then I started to clean up the kitchen. I loaded the dishwasher, after pre-washing the dishes. I hand washed a bunch of stuff that takes too much room in the dishwasher. I had 3 hard boiled eggs for lunch. I went with Caleb to Food Lion and did some grocery shopping so I would be able to meal prep for the week. Our meats are frozen and need to thaw, so I needed fresh meats to cook right away. I also bought a few vegetables to cook. When I got home I cooked cubed steak for everyone first. It waws thin, so it did not take long. I then mixed ground pork 80/20 with the ground chuck 80/20 and made hamburger patties with them. I cooked them up and sliced the chicken breast I bought into nugget size to cook in the oven. When I was done with the burgers, I made more burgers. This time it was of ground turkey. When the chicken breast was done, I cut up broccoli, cauliflower, and brussel sprouts to roast in the oven. When the turkey patties were cooked, I then cooked pork ribeye chops. That sums up my afternoon. I spent about 3.5 hours from going to the grocery store and completing all the cooking. I reused pans in my cooking, which cuts down on the cleaning I have to do. It makes a big difference to me to 1) have cooked food available when I am hungry, 2) to not have to cook every time I am, or someone else is hungry, 3) to not have to wash dishes everyday due to cooking everyday. It's not as hard as I thought it would be, and is less frustrating through the week , especially when I have days that I can't cook for one reason or another, but don't want to go out or order in.  

     I was planning on going to my dad's this weekend, but I didn't make it. I need to go pick up my car, and my dad has a bike he found for Caleb. Saturday was overcast and gray all day. I was soo tired and sleepy. I spent most of the day in bed. I fought hard to not do that yesterday, and it even rained in the afternoon. 

     I am attempting to only send prayers and Reiki to the world right now. I am having a hard time staying grounded, and not worrying. I worry alot. 

     I bought Delta-8 and THC-O the other day for my pain. I originally went to the store to find something that wouldn't make me high, and came home with CBD tincture. It helped with the chronic pain I have for a few hours, but did not help me sleep. So I went back the next day and got the other two. They help my body and mind reach a relaxed state so I can rest. I don't know what causes my pains in my lower back and pelvis all the time. I attribute it to fibromyalgia, but I am not sure. 

     I should be getting a summary of my biomarkers from last week on the Virta app. I know I am headed in the right direction when it comes to getting my A1c down. I know it will also help me lose weight. I wish I could lose weight faster, but I am not ready to exercise yet. I need to know that I will not make my pains worse by walking on the incline trainer. I need a slow start up plan, where I slowly introduce my body back to slow, intentional, movement. I do not want a fibromyalgia flare up the next day. I do not want an aching back and pelvis at the end of the day. 

     I woke up this morning around 0430. It is now 0531. Today is Monday. Caleb has schoolwork to do today, but I will also need his help on housework. 

     The house painting job being done outside looks good so far, and is almost done, I think. Soon we will be ready to schedule the VA appraisal. 

     I finally took a shower last night. I have been putting it off for some days already. I just get too tired, and just want to rest. Everything hurts when the sun is not out, it's gray outside, and/or raining. 

     I don't know if I wrote about it last time, but Caleb's insurance did not approve his application to go to Carolina Dunes. We found out the day before he was supposed to be admitted. So, having to recover from all that preparation wasn't easy. Hailey, the team lead of the in-home-intensive therapy, has found what looks like a better option for Caleb. It is called Timer Ridge. I hope this plan works out, or at least we find out before going through all the work that it isn't approved. 

     Caleb normally has 3 in-home-intensive appointments a week. One session each with 3 different therapists. It seems to be helping to have other people leading him in the right direction. He has to have a psychological evaluation here soon, as well as an IQ test as a requirement to be accepted to Timber Ridge. 

     I have been waiting for my direct deposit from the VA, and finally got it, so it is time to pay the bills.

5 Year Journal Day 327

      Today's prompt is "When was the last time you checked an online social network?" A few minutes ago.

     It is 0600 on Sunday and I am awake. I just took my medications. The past week was exhausting. We were preparing for Caleb to go to the residential facility. On Friday morning he had to go take a Covid-19 test at Walgreens. The results were said to be ready within 2-3 business days. It was required before he could be admitted. I took Caleb to Jersey Mike's for lunch on Thursday, and we went out to the Chinese buffet on Friday for lunch. Saturday I found out that Caleb's insurance was not approving his admission. He was due to check in on Sunday. We have been working on this for so long, and waiting for so long. I really thought it was the best way to get Caleb the hep he needs. Haley, the team lead of the intensive-in-home therapy, is going to talk with her supervisor and let me know what the options are for the next steps. 

     I am happy to keep Caleb home, because it waws going to be hard on me to be without him for a minimum of four months, but I am worried that he is not going to get the level of help he needs. 

     Saturday I woke up really early and did some work on my papers. I went back to bed after having diarrhea and my back was hurting after that. I stayed in bed until 1100. I decided it was a good day to go get a hair cut, and so I went out without Caleb because he was tired. I got my hair cut, then french braided. I went to Lowe's Foods to get another box of Paczki. This time I got the raspberry filled ones. Last time I got the Bavarian creme filled. I then went to Walmart to pick up Christinia's medications from the pharmacy. When I arrived, it was only a few minutes after they closed for a lunch break. I decided to walk around and shop while I waited for 30 minutes. I ended up restocking the Diet Mountain Dew by buying 12 12 packs. They were discounted. I then went and bought a whole cart full of food. I was by myself. I don't normally shop like that by myself. I wait to have Caleb with me so he can help me unpack the cart to ring up, and repack the cart, and load the car. I did it by myself yesterday. I finished my shopping and arrived back at the pharmacy just as it was opening again. I bought Christinia's medications, and then went to check out my cart full of groceries in the regular check out line this time. I usually go through the self-check out line and I usually have my reusable grocery bags/boxes. I managed to unload the cart to check out. The dews took up the most space.

     By the time I was able to sit in the Mazda, I was thirsty and hungry! I was ready to get home. It was a beautiful day. It was sunny and slightly warm with a cool breeze. I was wearing a spaghetti strap tank top and shorts. Other people were wearing winter clothes. 

     I made it home and Caleb met me outside without even letting him know I was home. He was happy to see me. He and Christinia brought the groceries inside and put them away. While I was away, Caleb walked to the beach by himself, with permission from Christinia. They also worked together to get the laundry room cleaned up and organized. Christinia replaced the dryer vent cover outside for me. 

     I ravaged my leftover pizza, anad chugged my Gatorade zero when I got home. My back was killing me so I went to rest for a while. When I got up, I was hungry again, and had no motivation to do the things that were actually on my list of things to do for the day. I wanted to finish cleaning the kitchen, continue washing the laundry, and help Christinia with her statistics homework. I had no energy left. 

     On Tuesday afternoon is when I have my standing appointments with Michal for Ignite Your Light. Last week my homework was to tell the "gremlin" in my head that he is not the boss of me and I don't have to listen to him, and that I am in charge now. This gremlin is what pushes me to work past my pain threshold and keep working when I am tired and hurting. I recently told Michal that I am trying to live a "normal" lifestyle, even when I am not "normal". My lifestyle needs to be adjusted to fit me as I am, not as I want to be. 

     I had a catfish incident. This guy was trying to make me believe that he loved me after chatting for only 2 days. When he called me, he was obviously lying to me about where he was from and what languages he speaks. English was clearly not his first language. Anyway, I don't have time for people like that so I blocked him. 

     I recently looked through the photos on my phone because I was looking for my Army pictures. I found photos of Mathew, Nichole, and kids. I wonder what they are up to. It's sad that we no longer speak. Even sadder when you consider it was because I like to express myself on this blog, and they couldn't handle that. 

     Reiki Master class begins in May. I have been trying to do Reiki every morning, but I missed it Thursday, and that was the day Haley called me and I missed her call about the insurance not approving Caleb. Thursday was also the day that Monarch Roofing was supposed to come over and take video of me as a finalist in their roof for veterans give-a-away. No one ever showed up, even though we all rushed back home after eating at the Chinese buffet in Wilmington, just to be home for that appointment. 

     Also last week I had the appointment with the VA VR&E program, which is basically the voc rehab program updated. I decided to not pursue the job training part of the program because I might lose my unemployability and SSDI in the process. I can't work a full time job, so I need those programs to be able to afford a living. I am, though, taking advantage of the independent living part of the program. I have another appointment to discuss that further coming up.  

     Michael was working on the external parts of the house that needed repair before the painters could start painting. He finished on Thursday. It looks awesome! He even put the screening up around the porch, and put in a new porch door. I called the painters and they will begin on Monday. It might take about a week or so to paint the house. Then I can make an appointment for the VA appraisal, and continue the refinancing application I started some weeks ago.  

     I took the Mazda to get it's annual inspection and it passed. Thank God. I was able to pay the registration and taxes on it. 

     I still have to get maintenance done on the Mazda. I am behind in that department. 

     I guess today I will work on the things I did not complete yesterday. It is now 0648. My alarm goes off at 0700, and Caleb will be up soon. 

5 Year Journal Day 326

      Today's prompt is " What is your dream job of the day?" I want to be a published author, life coach, and Reiki Master, as well as a Crystal Healer. 

     It is 0536 on Tuesday. Yesterday was Valentine's Day and I spent the day working. I woke up at 0700 because that's when my alarm goes off, but also because I was given a window of 0800-1700 for the stove repairman to come by and fix the stove. I got a message from Michael, the carpenter who is working on my house, pretty early. He is having trouble with the paypal payment I made. We agreed to use a check for the final payment. I paid him early so he would have the money to get the supplies needed to restore the house to good condition on the outside. He is replacing the bad wood so everything will be ready to paint. 

     Michael came by in the morning to pick up his check and got o Lowe's for supplies. He spent all afternoon replacing the wood at the top of the backside of the house. It was alot of hammering and drilling going on. 

     I spent the time cleaning the kitchen, again, and making a homemade keto cabbage soup. I made one pot with tomatoes, and one pot without tomatoes. It has ground beef, onions, red, yellow, orange, and green bell pepper, and cabbage and seasoning in it. It came out to be really good and tasty. After the repairman arrived around 1530, and fixed the handle on the stove door, I went to take a shower. Then Caleb took a shower, and then Harlee took a bath. I was getting everybody fresh and clean early so we could go to bed early. I was exhausted by 1830, and I think Michael was still working on the house! 

     Sunday we went to Harris Teeter to buy some meats on sale. I stopped at Lowe's Foods on the way home to make myself a salad for lunch, from the salad bar. I ended up buying myself a dozen roses for Valentine's Day because I love roses, and I knew no one was going to gift them to me. We also bought meats on sale there too. I "helped" Christinia get her homework done. It was a long and busy day.

     Saturday I took the kids to get haircuts. I went to Lowe's Foods for a salad after that too. I loaded the dishwasher, handwashed alot of dishes, and started the laundry up. 

     Friday we drove Christinia to the airport. She went to visit her son in Colorado. I kept Harlee at home. I got a call from the VA Caregiver Assistance Program, so that was fast, as I had only just applied on Thursday! I was exhausted when I got home from Wilmington with the kids. We stopped at Arby's on the way home. I know I am not supposed to eat it, but I have been off my Virta-friendly diet since Halloween or Thanksgiving. I am going back on my diet gradually as we reduce the amount of things I am tempted to eat in the house. 

     I graduated Level 2 Reiki on Thursday evening after the zoom meeting. I have been practicing Reiki 2 ever since. I look forward to learning the Master Class, but it is difficult to deal with the detox after. There is a 21-day detox that happens after each attunement. I was still in the Reiki 1 detox when I began the Reiki 2 detox. It's alot to manage. I felt tired and thirsty all day for days. I am also in Michal's Ignite Your Light program for women. I meet with her every Tuesday afternoon to discuss things I want to change and heal- trauma related. That is going well. I will meet with her later today.

     Christinia just messaged me that she landed in Charlotte. She is almost home!

     I had to review my emails and notes because I have lost track of everything I have going on. We are still waiting for a bed for Caleb to go residential treatment. I am still waiting for NC to provide e-file options for filing taxes. I am waiting to hear whether or not we won a free roof. I was waiting for so long to hear about the labor costs of removing the cabinets and installing new cabinets, that I had to make a decision on what to do that would improve my appraisal other than that. I have things I have to do just to pass inspection. I decided to fix the exterior of the house when I got the quote for the paint job. Hopefully these projects will be done soon, and I can move on with the appraisal and refinancing. 

     Last week Caleb started a new school schedule. It has been working to a degree. Yesterday he got no work done, but at the same time, I wanted him to help me watch Harlee sooo..... Wednesday and Thursday of last week were ok as far as getting work done. We were gone on the road to and from Wilmington all morning on Friday, and when I got home, I had no energy for helping him with schoolwork.

     Right now I am just waiting to go pickup Christinia from the airport in Wilmington. I should probably be getting Harlee up soon so I can get her dressed. Caleb woke up shortly after I came out to the dinner table. He wanted to go back to sleep but couldn't. I think he finally fell asleep on the couch with Bella under the heating blanket. 

     I'm kinda hungry, but I dont know what to eat. Normally I would just drink almond milk, but I have stopped buying it because I drink the whole container in one night and it raises my blood sugar. I don't have alot of choices for breakfast. I should think about that. I need to boil some eggs.

     

5 Year Journal Day 325

      Today's prompt is " Which friend(s) did you last speak to?" I last spoke to Christinia because she lives with me LOL. 

     It is 4:31 a.m. and I have been awake for about an hour now. I spent some time giving some love to Bella on the couch. Yesterday was Sunday and I was scheduled to spend from 1000 to 1700 doing an online live zoom class in Reiki Level 2. I was excused from class around 1500 because I was exhausted. I did get my Level 2 attunement, so that was the part I could not miss. The class was being recorded, and so Michal, the Reiki Master, was ok with me catching up with the rest of the class before Thursday's class. 

     Christinia made jalepeno poppers and deviled eggs for me for dinner. These are things Caleb won't eat, and since he went to stay the night at Gage's house, it made sense. Caleb was allowed to go Gage's house after cleaning his room. Christinia drove him to Gage's house, while I started my Reiki Level 2 class. The whole day was about Reiki level 2. I was beyond tired by the time I was excused. I had a rough night Saturday night. I kept waking up every couple of hours and woke up in the morning feeling like I had not slept at all. I needed a shower, but did not wake up early enough to take one. I finally got a shower after I left class.

     I did not have enough time to call my dad in the morning yesterday, but I caught with him after I took my shower around 1600. He was getting ready to eat BLT sandwiches for dinner, so the call did not last as long as usual, but it was to good to hear him in good spirits. 

     Saturday... hmm... We went to run errands Saturday. We needed to go to Walmart to buy a few things for Christinia's trip, pick up meds from CVS, and I wanted to go to the Lowe's Foods salad bar for lunch. Before we left, I organized my crystals into the plastic jars I bought for them. I got most of them put away the way I wanted, and will be ready to shelve them once the shelves are up in my room. 

     While at Walmart, I had Harlee in the cart. She was saying "Hi!" to everyone we passed. It was the cutest thing ever. She was so happy, even without a phone. 

     Friday Caleb had a dermatology appointment in Wilmington in the afternoon. That went well. We found that the cause of his chronic itchy back is the accumulation of dead skin cells around the hair follicles. It is something I made sure was not a result of improper washing. He has been prescribed an exfoliating lotion for his back that can be bought over-the counter. The other thing was his toe nail condition. He has a toe nail fungus which will not cease. He was prescribed a 3 month dose of something that should take care of it. He had to go for a lab to have blood drawn while there. I have to wait for the results before giving Caleb the oral anti-fungal medication.

     Thursday I had my occupational therapy examination appointment at the VA clinic in Wilmington. It went well. I was glad I was working with a woman occupational therapist because the things I revealed were intimate details that I would not want to share with a man.  I went home with a kit of things to help me around the house, and some things on order to come through the mail. I will be getting a shower bar installed in my shower, and a bidet in my bathroom. 

     Friday I also tried to follow up with Ms. Miller about my aid and attendance form return. I got alot of bullshit replies funneled through the nurse. Finally, I asked, "What exactly is the problem?" The nurse responded that she would ask Ms. Miller to reconsider filling out the form. 

     This weekend was pretty good considering last weekend required a visit from the police. Yeah, that's right. Caleb lost his temper and got violent with Christinia, and then ended up hitting me in the arm. When we went to see Ms. Kathy, his psychiatrist, I told her what was going on since the last appointment. One weekend , a visit to the ER for suicidal thoughts, and the next weekend a police call due to being violent in the house. I asked to adjust his medications and she did. He is still in intensive-in-home therapy. He was supposed to be going to a residential behavioral health facility at the end of January, but a bed did not open. I was told that it looks like it will be mid-March before he gets a bed. 

     With all this Reiki stuff I'm doing, I am going through a 21-day detox since the Level 1 attunement. I am now going through a post-Level 2 attunement 21-day detox. It is when I may go through emotions and feeling badly with physical symptoms due to old energy being released. With my nightly Reiki self-healing sessions I have felt a huge weight on my heart chakra- my chest has been in pain. It subsides after the Reiki, but returns. I couldn't figure out what could be weighing on me so heavily. Then, last night, I finally cried. I miss Caleb. He has been away only for the day, but I miss having him around. What am I going to do when he is gone for 4-6 months? I broke down and cried from my chest, hopefully releasing alot of pain. I feel better now, but I know it is still there. It will be there for as long as I miss my son. 

     I have been trying to help Christinia with her schoolwork, but I am being pulled in every direction to get so many other things done. I am waiting to get the electrical problem fixed outside. I am waiting for the cabinet installers to quote me on labor of removal and installation of cabinets. I need to schedule car maintenance for the Mazda. I had to pay the bills. There always seems to be a reason to go grocery shopping. I have appointments nearly everyday in Wilmington. I barely took a shower this week. I am in the process of getting the house refinanced. I am waiting to hear if I won the free roof for veterans. I am trying to find the best way to spend the rest of this loan money on fixing the house, which means prioritizing tasks and getting quotes. I am trying to keep Caleb busy and out of trouble. I am trying to keep the laundry going so we don't get a build up... the dishes too. It's just alot. I have to wash Bella sometime soon. I have a notebook full of things I have to get done sooner than later, and I have been exhausted to boot! 

     I was being good about caring for my teeth, then fell off the wagon when I got too tired one day and just wanted to go to bed. Once I made that decision once, it was that decision every night afterwards. I finally got back on track last night. I bought some new dental tools after my last dental cleaning was so horrible. It really hurt! All because I haven't been brushing my teeth regularly. So, I bought a Sonic Care tooth brush and a water pik. I have not even taken them out of the box to read the instructions yet. I forgot I bought them. My memory is not so good these days. Ms. Miller claims it is because of my sleep habits, and nothing more. I think I am taking on more than I should all the time because I am a single parent and disabled veteran. 

     My bedroom is the last to get cleaned, and it is full of clutter and trash. Christinia and Caleb are going to help me clean it up, as I can not do it by myself. It hurts to bend over, and this job is going to take alot of that. The rest of the house looks decent, except my area by the dinner table where my PTSD related clutter piles are growing. It's not PTSD stuff that's piling up, it's because I have PTSD and cluttering and hoarding are common with people who have PTSD. 

     Caleb is getting better about not making messes, or at least trying to clean up after himself. 

     Oh! I almost forgot, that Christinia and I got matching tattoos that say "Mischief Managed." It's a spell from Harry Potter. We both love Harry Potter and we wanted matching best friend tattoos. While at Inklanation tattoo and piercing studio, I met two interns. One I met when taking Christinia to get her nose pierced, and Caleb to get his ears pierced. Her name is Beth. The other girl was new, and her name is Kayla. We were talking while Christinia was getting her tattoo, and I found out (perhaps for the second time) how to test if I am on the Autism spectrum. Kayla gave me a web address and I took it while waiting. I clearly "have Autistic traits" according to the online test. 

     Christinia painted my finger nails black for me. I like them alot.

     Caleb has been collecting toy cars and repainting them. He has really liked spending time doing that lately. He has been drawing and coloring from an adult coloring book too. He started to read to me at night from the Smithsonian World History book. Some times I can't take the sounds at the end of the day though, so it's not a consistent thing. Caleb has been earning money for babysitting Harlee too. He takes her to the backyard and plays with her for about 20-30 minutes, just to give Christinia a break. Caleb has been able to do his chores without arguing lately. I can ask him to put away the dishes, and he is ok with that. No fighting. Therapy seems to be helping him some. 

     I finally got the light box for my Seasonal Affective Disorder in the mail the other day. I have not used it yet. I wonder how much it helps. I asked to keep the Christmas tree and lights inside the house up because I was struggling with the darkness of winter and depression feelings. Christinia was ok with that. 

     I have started the Ignite Your Light program with Michal. It is a deep healing program for women that she does only once a year. I am hoping I can relieve myself of traumas and their associated pains in my body. I want to be healthier. I want to be able to exercise and lose weight. I want to have energy and be able to have fun. I want to be able to roller skate again! I want to be able to enjoy the beaches down the roads. 

     Granny turned 82 this year. Pepere is 87 currently. I called Granny to wish her a happy birthday. 

     Today is Monday. It is now 0544. My dad has cardiac rehab on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays, so I tend to wait until after lunch time to reach him and catch up. I want to start walking while he is at the gym. At least that would give me a good start on my routine, until I can figure something else out that works for me with my fibromyalgia. 

     I learned how to do Long Distance Reiki, and volunteered to send Reiki to a Facebook friend who has been battling cancer and is undergoing surgery later this morning. She was open to the idea. I mean, it couldn't hurt. Reiki is only for the greatest and highest good.