The latest

     We are safe in my home! We had some trouble with PTS #8, but were saved from Hurricane Helene. I tried to reach all my friends and family, but some are not cooperative. My heart is heavy for they will not let me know whether they are safe are not. I reached out to my brother, Mathew, but got no response. I reached out to my sister-in-law, Nichole and got a hate-filled response back. I did not even try to reach my half-brother, Eric, nor my half-sister, Sherri. I miss Mathew so much. I did a Google search for him to see if I could find his new address to know whether he was in danger or not, and the first thing that posted was something I never wished on him. My heart is heavy knowing that he is struggling. 

    I know I am different. I count that as a blessing. I don't approve of Trump at all. My other family members do. All I can do is shake my head because they can't see what's wrong with Trump. They are completely blind to what is right in front of them. It's sad because I have a big family, but most of my family members want nothing to do with me at all. They won't even tell me that they are ok.

    I hate Trump and I can't be myself safely around his supporters. This is the story of many groups of people. 

    In other news, I am still praying that my VA disability claims are approved for maximum ratings and that I get approved for VA Aid& Attendance. 

    Mallory is looking to close the DSS case. The dumpster was picked up sometime yesterday morning.

    Caleb has been attending school remotely because of the damages done to the roads and bridges by PTS #8.

    I'm not straining myself to stay connected to Christinia. She says she loves me and then hurts me on purpose because she can't get her way. I helped her more than I have ever helped anyone else in my life. I paid for her groceries to be delivered to her home when I had no extra money to spare. I sacrificed myself to provide for her and her daughter, but she treats me like it never happened or doesn't matter. I'm walking away from it. I can't help her like I hoped I could. She will remain in my prayers though.

    I'm still struggling to buy my own needs. I need to get my business operational. The focus has been on these storms lately and their impacts. 

    I am still without air conditioning in my van. I still need to pay to have my plumbing fixed for good. I have a flood insurance policy due soon that I don't know how I will be able to cover. I haven't been able to pay my credit card bills all year long, and my credit score has suffered. I struggle to pay for groceries all month long. I'm addicted to vaping because of the stress I am under.  

    I went to meet some American Legion members last Wednesday to see if I could get some help. They are going to come by the house at some point. 

    I am struggling to take care of myself. I haven't even done my morning routines today other than taking my medications and giving Caleb his medications. My hair is a mess, and I haven't washed up to start the day. I'm struggling to get my work done around the house. I've got so little energy and I'm constantly tired, exhausted, and needing peace and rest. 

    I am just trying to download my thoughts so I can move on with my day. It is not helpful to have all this grief caused by friends and family and all these arguments going on in my head. 

    I have to figure out what to do for dinner. I just got paid, and already have no money left after paying the mortgage and the Spectrum bills and going to Walmart.

    I am grateful for my real friends. My true friends support me and love me as I am.

    I guess it is Bella's birthday month this month. She turns 10 I think.

    I don't know what to eat for lunch.

    I struggled with my printer most of the afternoon on Sunday. It was on but listed as "offline." It took a lot to get it back to functioning so I could print what I needed to print. 

    Thank God for Nana. She is always available to talk to me. I miss my dad. She does too.

    I am grateful for what I have going for me, and ask God humbly to continue to protect me as I move forward. I pray for obstacles to my success to be removed. That my health be restored. That my son keeps safe, and my dogs stay healthy.

    I miss my dad's jokes all the time. I know he watching out for me now. 

    I have to get moving on taking care of my needs.

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day! Much love!

        

This week

     It is now 0628. I just got Caleb on the bus and walked home. It has been a busy week. Thank God it's Friday! Monday came too soon. I had an appointment in Wilmington on Monday morning for my VA disability claim exam. I made it there on time, and the appointment was not stressful, although the doctor did hurt me. He pressed on my lower back and I jumped forward because it hurt. I felt safe with him though. I came home and was so tired of all that driving. It takes me an hour to get to Wilmington, and an hour to get back. Doing that driving without air conditioning in the Mazda sucks! I am heat sensitive and heat intolerant due to my chronic health conditions and prior heat exhaustion. 

    Tuesday I had another appointment in the morning. This time it was in Southport at the hospital. I had to have a follow-up mammogram done. I arrived a little late because there was an accident en route. The imaging that the doctor required took all morning. I was exhausted afterward. Carla met me in the hospital parking lot to see me and bring me a hot coffee. I was so thankful. It made driving home safer for me. 

    The cysts that are located behind my left nipple are not increasing in size. Thank God! I am due for another follow-up mammogram in 6 months.

    The rest of my week is kind of a blur. I don't really remember things well anymore. I know that Katelyn came by to do discharge paperwork from the family therapy she was providing. Mallory came by last night to do what I hope is our discharge paperwork from Social Services. She wants to close the case and had to update our paperwork in order to move things along. 

    One night Carla and Tyrone came over and gutted Caleb's room of all the trash he hoarded in there for us. I was so thankful. I had started picking up the trash in there, but I couldn't finish the job because I ended up hurting my back. 

    Wednesday was 9/11. I felt the heaviness of it all day. I'm sensitive. I remember exactly where I was when I first turned on the tv and the news was on that day. I was a student at UNC-Greensboro in my freshman year. It was my first semester and I was living on campus in the freshman dorm. I remember being in my dorm between my classes, turning the tv on and wondering why the news was on. I watched what was showing and couldn't believe it was really happening. I wanted to call my family and check that were ok, but the phone lines were busy and I couldn't call out. My heart beat was racing and I was scared. I didn't know what to do. How could this happen?

    Thursday was my dad's birthday. I spent the night before going through old photos on my phone and sharing them with Caleb and Nana. Thursday morning I spent time going through the photos on my dad's memorial webpage. I miss him a lot. 

    I struggled a lot on Wednesday. I could not force myself to make dinner, so we went and bought rotisserie chickens and sides from Lowe's Foods. I thought I could make jambalaya that day. It required that I clean the kitchen first. I had gone to Walmart I think and bought some ingredients for the meal. I was really hoping to make it that day, but I was too exhausted. 

    I went to Walmart originally because I needed a yeast infection remedy. I bought the Monistat 1 thinking that was the best choice for me. It wasn't. I needed the Monistat 7. The itching and the burning were so bad that I couldn't get a good night's sleep! I just wanted to tear my hair out.

    I ended up needing to go to Food Lion on Thursday because I just couldn't stand what I was feeling. It was taking over me. I couldn't get comfortable at all. I was sweating even in the air conditioning. I ended up buying a vinegar douche and a 7 day yeast infection treatment. I couldn't wait to get home and use the douche. It helped a lot. I need to remember that in the future. I figured out what caused the yeast infection. It was wearing a pair of shorts that don't breathe over a few days after sweating in them nearly every day. I have to remember not to do that again.

    I didn't manage to clean the kitchen yesterday like I planned. Nana was having digestive issues. I didn't want to make the jambalaya if she wouldn't be able to eat it. We had frozen pizzas I bought on sale instead. I was able to load the dishwasher after pre-cleaning those dishes and hand washing the majority of other dishes, but not all of them. I ran out of space in the dish strainer, so I had to stop washing dishes before I was completely done.

    I am still having diarrhea. It's weird because I am normally constipated with my IBS. I has been about 2 weeks now. 

    Caleb went to school all week. I am happy about that. He seems to be enjoying school, and I couldn't be happier for him. While he is at school, I take care of Bubba and Bella. They have been taking naps with me together in my bed nearly every day. They love to cuddle and be close.

    The other day Bubba jumped the fence every time I let him outside with Bella. Normally when he is outside with Bella he stays in the back yard. He didn't run off after jumping the fence, thank God. I found him near the fence just sniffing around. There is no way I can chase Bubba. He is way too fast for my old and disabled body. 

    We have the dumpster until the 19th. I need to re-organize the shed while we have it. I hope it doesn't rain this weekend so Caleb and I can clear the back yard of trash along with the shed. I still need to vacuum the carpets inside and steam clean them. I don't know what I will do today. I haven't met up with Nana just yet. 

    I have come to the conclusion that I cannot "help" Christinia any more. I was trying to make sure she and Harlee had food to eat and wiFi, but I can't afford to pay her bills. I am struggling to pay my own bills right now, and struggling to buy groceries. I shouldn't be helping someone who treats me like I'm expendable anyway. It's bad for my health to even be involved. 

    I am supposed to meet up with Carla for lunch today. I don't know where we are going to eat yet. I let her know that I did not have money to eat out, and she offered to pay for me. Nana wrote me a check yesterday, and I was hoping to repay her kindness for cleaning Caleb's room by buying her lunch. 

    I have been praying a lot lately. I pray before I fall asleep. I pet Bella as I pray. 

    I restarted the Angel Energy Healing class. I don't remember what I learned before, and I never completed the class so... The first meditation really helped me feel better. I want to repeat that meditation until I memorize it. I could use it to help others. 

    I haven't picked up the Yoga for Trauma book at all this week. I need to catch up on the reading. Class starts in October if I am not mistaken. I need to get as far as I can before class starts because I always fall behind and never complete the class. 

    The Trump/Harris debate was this week. I didn't watch it. I've seen a lot of memes about what was said though. I can't believe there are Americans who want a 34 count convicted felon as their President. And the things he said! The harm he causes! It's unbelievable! I am voting for Kamala Harris. It's time we had a woman President and I trust her to protect marginalized populations.

    I have to figure out how I am going to be able to pay my bills and buy groceries. I need a budget because I have to save money to get the plumbing fixed, have the pest control done on the house, and get the Mazda fixed. I also need to get Bella back to the vet for some shots, and have Bubba's shots updated. I have to find a way to bring money in. I wanted to write a book, but I am never at my computer during the day when Caleb is not home. I am always running around trying to get groceries or going to appointments. My friend Sheila is going to assist me in publishing my book and selling it on Amazon once it is written. I just have to make the time to write it. i don't even know what I want to write about yet. I'm not an expert on anything but me. I thought I would write about my life but I am unsure.

    I will be unable to buy the kratomade like I wanted to this month. I don't have the funds. I have to pay bills that are past due first before buying anything. Plus Caleb earned a treat by doing the dumpster diving for me on Saturday, so I have to be able to get him that. I'm praying because I don't know how to get out of this loop where I never have enough money around. I am using the Kratomade to reduce my back pain when I intend to work on the house. It can prevent me from feeling the pain for several hours after I take a serving. It helps me get stuff done that Caleb isn't allowed to do. For instance, pet vac-ing the carpets or steam cleaning the carpets. He is not allowed to use the machines because they are expensive and he is not careful. His ADHD prevents him from paying attention to detail when he is working. I can't afford to replace those machines, so I don't let him use them. 

    It's been really humid out lately. It's heavy feeling when I go outside. I sweat a lot. I need to take a shower. Maybe that is what I should do today. It drains my energy to take showers, so I limit it to once a week. It would be nice to wear a dress to meet Carla for lunch though.

    I think Nana is up. I have already taken my morning medications. I have to finish my other morning routines for personal hygiene. I don't know what I want to plan to do today. I am just relieved that it is finally Friday. I'm exhausted from everything this week brought. I kind of just want to try to relax. I have not had a good night's sleep since having this yeast infection. I feel like spending the day in bed, but there is so much I need to work on. 

    I will figure it out after talking to Nana and seeing how she is feeling.

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day! Much love!

Dumpster Diving

     It is now 0237. I have only been up for a few minutes. I needed to use the bathroom and get a grapefruit snack. I am just sitting on my chair thinking about the past few days. Friday specifically. 

    Friday morning I woke up at 0330 to use the bathroom and stayed awake. I was having explosive diarrhea due to eating a can of spicy gumbo the night before for dinner. I took a really good selfie later in the morning, but before Caleb woke up. I woke Caleb up after doing my morning routines of taking my medications and supplements and personal hygiene. Caleb got up and was good in the morning. He got on his bus ok. I came back home from the bus stop with no problem. I talked to Nana when I got home. I decided to go to Lowe's Foods that morning after the sun came up. I did some really good shopping of the sales that morning. I saved $41 or so, but I spent around $130. I bought the sourdough bread we love, the fruits Nana requested, and dinner items for the next few days. I came home and unloaded the van right away and put away the groceries right away. I made Nana breakfast after that. I don't remember exactly what came next. I think I got the laundry going. I wanted to clean the hallway bathroom so when the volunteers came later in the day they would have a clean bathroom to use. I never made it to doing that. I wanted to clean up a bit, but after getting up so early, and staying up, I needed a nap. I took a nap. I was still having explosive diarrhea. When I got up, I was not feeling the best. I text messaged Mallory, the social worker, that I was not feeling well due to diarrhea and having back pain. She responded like it did not matter that I did not feel well, they were coming over regardless. The volunteers were not scheduled to arrive until 2pm, but they arrived at 1pm without my permission. I was tired and not ready to work.

    Mallory, her supervisor, and a church volunteer arrived around 1pm to help me clean out my trash. Mallory's supervisor and the church volunteer began working on the porch where I had a lot of boxes to be put into the dumpster. Mallory and I began cleaning the living room space. We finally got the water bottles put where I wanted them: in a storage container, alongside the incline trainer. The other drinks were put along the incline trainer in a storage container also, next to the water container. I was able to shop vac the floor before Mallory moved the storage containers where I wanted them. I got to the point where I needed a break. I was sweating heavily, and needed to have a seat and cool down. I told Mallory I had reached my breaking point, and that normally when I am sweating so heavily, it's a sign I need to stop. My back was already in pain when everyone had arrived. I was already tired when everyone arrived too. 

    I sat down and had some Gatorade Zero. I had to turn the window unit a/c off in order to run the shop vac. The front door was left open to be able to communicate with the women working on the porch. I began feeling tingling sensations throughout my entire body. It did not occur to me that I should check my glucose reading. They women had arrived before I had a chance to go to Food Lion like I wanted, and before I could eat lunch. I totally forgot that I did not eat lunch. I began feeling worse and worse. I was telling Mallory what was happening as it was happening. I felt like I might have a seizure coming on. Mallory's supervisor and the church volunteer finished working on the porch and both moved inside to help clean up. They both began working on the kitchen area. I got to the point where I did not feel safe sitting in my chair and had to ask the volunteers to leave so I could go lie down. I felt safer being in bed. They left sooner than expected because the original scheduled time was from 2pm-5pm. I think it was around 3:30pm or so when I had to ask them to leave. I was not feeling well at all. 

    I went to lie down in bed, and was text messaging Nana how I was feeling. I began feeling better about 30 minutes after going to rest. I got up only to find that I could not find my fresh fruit I had just bought that morning. I did not feel like cooking, but I made 2 family size lasagnas that I bought that morning for dinner.  I went to bed early.

    Saturday morning came. I woke up a little bit before my 7am alarm went off. I was feeling ok. I was mad that the volunteers had thrown away my brand new food. They threw away a brand new pineapple, fresh peaches, a new bag of grapefruit, and fresh tomatoes. I thought they also had thrown away cans of food too that were in front of the pantry, but I found where they put them.

    Caleb and I went to Food Lion after we took our meds and I took a nap. I bought the things I meant to buy Friday afternoon, but couldn't because the volunteers came over too early. Along the way to food Lion, we passed some highschool band students who were washing cars to raise money to go to Florida. I rolled down the passenger side window and yelled, "You are going to make it!" to the girls holding the signs up. We got to food Lion and there was a table where 3 guys were raising money to fight Veteran homelessness by selling military hats. I told one guy that I am a veteran too, and that if I had more money, I would donate.

    Caleb and I walked in the Food Lion and got what we could find off the shopping list. I checked out and we walked to the Mazda before I realized I had forgotten to buy the green beans I wanted to make with dinner. There were other things we needed, but could not find at Food Lion, so we drove to Walmart. Along the way, I stopped to put gas in the van. We made it to Walmart ok. We went in and bought Caleb's sewing kit he needed to hem his dress uniform pants. As we were walking to the food section, Carla found us! She was on lunch break. I was happy to see her. We talked for a minutes and then Caleb and I went back to shopping. Walmart is reorganizing the store, so I had to pay attention to where things were now located. We found what we needed and then went to check out. We checked out, and then drove home. 

    After Caleb brought the groceries inside and put the groceries away for me, we went dumpster diving in the dumpster in our front yard to find what was wrongly thrown away. Caleb was looking for his flash drives that he could not find. I was looking for the food that was thrown away. I decided it was important to video us taking apart everything in the dumpster, so I took the video of Caleb going through every trash bag and box the volunteers put in the dumpster the day before. It rained overnight, so there was water in the dumpster.

    Caleb and went through every little thing in the dumpster and found our fresh fruits, canned food, dishes, brand new dog crate still in the box, weed eater, weed eater rechargable batteries and charging stations, bed frame, porch table, tools, thermometer, thermometer coverings, Caleb's razor, family photos, and reusable grocery bags.

    While I appreciate the help I received, I was not happy to find so many things I did not want to throw away, thrown away without having been asked about it first.

    I was tired after that. I made myself a sandwich, took my meds and went to bed after talking with Nana and Caleb for a while. I sent Nana the videos for her to see everything that we found.

    I was planning on posting the videos, but I thought better of the situation as time passed and I calmed down. I want Mallory's supervisor to write me a report to submit to the VA for my disability claims and Aid a& Attendance claim to show that I desperately need help. If she can detail the state of my living conditions, it might make a difference.

    Today is Sunday. It is now 0327. I am somewhat tired now. I just wanted to have documented what happened and what I did as a result. 

    Now, let's think of this. Mallory is telling me she wants to close the case but the house has to be clean first. The case has been open for 9 months, according to her, which is longer than normal. My question is this: Why did it take so long for them to decide to help me clean the house? Why wasn't I offered a cleaning service or volunteer help after the first few weeks, when it was clear that I could not clean the gigantic mess by myself since Caleb was not cooperating? Caleb and I have been in family therapy for some months now. Improvements have been made, but I still have trouble getting Caleb to do things he does not want to do, like cleaning for example. 

    Well, I am ready to go back to bed.

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day! Much love! 

Labor Day weekend

     It is now 0211. I woke up to use the bathroom. Caleb also woke me up. He can't sleep. Yesterday was a busy day. Caleb woke up around 0230 because he was not able to breathe through his nose or sleep. I was up because I was having explosive diarrhea. I got up 2 hours after I went back to bed because of more diarrhea. Caleb wanted to stay home because his throat was hurting and he was congested. He thought he might have strep throat. He told me he threw up in the morning. I kept him home. 

    Nana had to go to her appointment to get her vaccines yesterday morning. I had to take a shower. I managed ok. She made to the van ok. We made it to the appointment and back ok. It wasn't so hot outside. When we came back home, we made frozen pizzas for lunch. I thought I would save time by reapplying for Caleb's Medicaid online instead of trying to call Trillium about why his vaccines were not covered at CVS on Saturday. I did the application online while the pizzas were cooking. I then found a number to call on Caleb's Medicaid card. I called to find out that I should be using Caleb's Trillium card. I called the number I was given from the lady who answered my call to Medicaid. No one answered even though I was waiting for quite some time.

    I decided to look up reasons the Mazda air conditioning might not be working. A video I watched told me to look at the fuse, so I did. I went ahead and recharged the air conditioning with freon. Then I looked at the fuse. I needed to go out to pick up Nana's medications, so I decided to stop by AutoZone too. I went to AutoZone first and bought a new fuse. The air conditioning did not come back on after I replaced it, so I thought maybe the relay needs to be changed. I replaced it, but no change. The guy who sold me the parts told me what might be causing the problem. I had him print out the sheet we were looking at so that I would know what to buy the next time I could afford parts. I only spent about $30 on parts yesterday, but I spent $60 or so on the freon a few days prior. I couldn't afford to replace the next part, which is going to cost about $70.

    I went to CVS after that, and picked up Nana's medication. I updated Caleb's health insurance with CVS too while I was there. We went home after that.

    I tried calling Trillium again, but got no one to answer. I was getting tired. Nana wanted abowl of soup for dinner, so I asked Caleb to wash a bowl and make it for her so I could lie down. He told me he couldn't because he was sick. I told him that he was not sick and he could do it, and to do it. He wanted to argue, and I was already tired. I told him he was losing his phone, computer, and tv. I put my hand to turn the door knob to his room and he smashed my wrist away from the door knob. I ended up calling the police to de-escalate the situation. They came and talked to him. Things calmed down. I forgot to get his phone, computer, and tv while they were here.

    He made Nana her soup, and I went to lie down. I was still trying to find information about why Trillium did not cover Caleb's vaccines at CVS, and why they did not cover his prescription he got from the ER doctor. I was having connectivity issues and I don't know why.

    Labor Day weekend was last weekend. Caleb and I did not get the work done that I was hoping to get done. I was hoping the dumpster would be delivered on Friday, but it was delivered on Monday. Caleb got hit in the groin with a kick ball last week. He was hurting all weekend. Later in the weekend he had some sort of cyst in his mouth pop. I took him to the Emergency room just in case he needed antibiotics. He did not need antibiotics, and while we were there, I had Caleb get seen about his testicles hurting. The doctor prescribed ibuprofen for him to take.

    I think it was Monday that I was trying to make turkey drumsticks and broccoli and cheese for dinner, and made it successfully! We had those with somw sweet potatoes. It turned out good.

    One day I made hamburgers finally. I had been trying to make hambrugers all week long and couldn't due to heat exhaustion.

    Caleb and I watched "Fluppy Dogs" together the other day. It's a Disney movie from my childhood.

    Caleb washed his own laundry. We made sure to take out the trash bin Monday morning. It was nice to have the extra day off. I was struggling with heat exhaustion every day I had to go out, which was every day. 

    I decided to block Christinia after she blocked me again. I'm tired of her bullshit. I don't deserve to be treated the way she treats me.

    Looking to what's coming up... today is already Thursday. Carla is supposed to come over to help ke clean up Caleb's room. Tomorrow a group of volunteers is going to help clean up the trash in the house from 2pm-5pm, and then again on Saturday from 9am-12pm. They will be back next week on Friday and Saturday too. 

    I have not been able to catch up on my Yoga for Trauma reading. I have been struggling too much with heat exhaustion. I need to catch up before classes start again.

    Nana is doing ok so far since her shots. 

    I think I'm going to go ahead and take my morning medications and supplements. 

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day! Much love!