Just because

     It is now 0242 and I have been awake for some time now. I just thought to upload my DSS case files to my VA claim that I have open and am waiting for a decision. I hope that it sheds some light on how much I struggle and need the additional help. It's in my prayers that the VA claims are approved in total.

    I got up because I had to use the bathroom. I then ate a grapefruit and came to sit in my chair at the dining table where I work. I was just thinking to myself. It has been a long time since I have been consistently blogging. I fell into a depression after my dad died and am just now beginning to feel better. I think he died in either November or December of 2022. I don't remember the date. I was never good at remembering dates. This marks the end of the second year without my dad. I bought a photo on canvas of my favorite photo of Caleb, the dogs, and my dad, and hung it up in the living room so I can see my dad's face whenever I need to. It is helpful. I know he is always around me. Energy doesn't die. His body died, but not his energy. 

    I have been wanting to get deeper into Reiki. I don't know how much deeper I can go since I am already a Reiki Master. I have a library of books that I want to read and take notes on. Some are about my mental health like books about girls with Autism or how to handle depression. Some are about crystals and crystal healing. Others are about Reiki, Yoga, or other spiritual/energy practices or exercises. I have fitness books. I also have books about survival that are manuals from the military. I have books that are about parenting children with special needs and child psychology. I have other books about leadership and women who were close to God. I have a lot of reading to catch up on. I bought them when they were on sale and when I had the money to spend. I have not had the time and energy to read any of them, but I know I would benefit immensely if I could manage it. 

    Right now the focus is on taking this Y4T class and keeping up with the class. I am already behind. We started last week, but I didn't start until Monday this week. I watched the lecture video. I did not watch the yoga practice video. I began reading the book, but the foreword and acknowledgments are so long, I never made to page 1 of the first chapter! Sooo.... if I could just clear the living room floor I might be bale to do the yoga practices and catch up with everyone else. I need this class for myself to help with the trauma I have dealt with in my life. I also want to learn as much as possible so I can help other people struggling with trauma too. I have to set aside time each week to do watch the lecture, watch the yoga practice and exercise with it, and read the chapter in the book. I should probably write it in my schedule on my calendar so I don't forget about it.

    Caleb is going to be doing honor guard today after school at a sports event for JROTC. I don't know if I will be able to attend. I still have social anxiety when getting into large groups of people due to 9/11. I would like to capture his first event on video if I could. 

    I had a pretty good day yesterday. I was awake and had clear thinking for most of the day. I did have my special coffee blend plus a coffee that Carla bought me. Too much coffee for one day I later found out. I enjoyed being able to think clearly without all the worry, anxiety, and stress that I suffer from on a daily basis. I was able to write my blog yesterday which helped me clear some air out and remove some burdens I carry. I got up earlier than normal and was awake, not sleepy at 0400. I started my day then. I waited for 0500 to get Caleb up which is his normal time for school days. We did our normal morning routines, and he got on the bus and I came home. I wrote my blog. Afterwards I went and talked with Nana. I made us both breakfast. By the time we finished eating and I let the dogs outside, it was time for Carla to arrive to pick up  the chili I was giving her. Carla arrived later than expected, but while I was waiting, I was able to start the picnic bone-in pork butt in the slow cooker. That was for dinner. I planned on making a pasta salad recipe Nana use to make for us, but I never got started. Carla arrived and she brought me a delicious iced coffee. I was able to hug my friend without guilt or shame because I was finally able to take a shower on Sunday and had been keeping up with my personal hygiene ever since. I don't like giving stinky hugs to my friends. I love Carla. She is one of the sweetest women I know. We are both mothers of sons with ASD. I, however, also have ASD, and I'm pretty sure she does not. She is a Jehovah's Witness and we do weekly Bible study together when she comes over to visit. 

    After Carla left, I realized it was getting late. I needed to start making the pasta salad if I wanted it to be done for dinner. I didn't want to start because I had a phone appt with the pharmD at the VA at 1400. I didn't want to have my hands dirty from prepping vegetables, and not be able to answer the phone in time. I decided to just wait for the call. I had the call, and all went well. Oh! That's the other thing I did. I updated my biomarkers spreadsheet with my glucose readings for Dr. Kent, pharmD. I was happy that I had a lot of days I took my glucose readings. I struggle with remembering to take my glucose readings before dinner.

    I spent some time talking with Nana. I let the dogs outside a second time. When I went to let them back inside, Bubba was nowhere to be found. I waited for him to come back after looking for him in the usual places he goes. I caught him on the Ring camera and was able to bring him back inside. I am so grateful he did not wander for long. I don't know what I would have done if Caleb came home and Bubba wasn't home. He would've been so upset.

    I took a break after that. I felt like I needed to lie down. I wanted a nap, but couldn't fall asleep after drinking 2 large coffees earlier. I just rested my body which was hurting all over mildly and needed rest.

    It was getting closer to time for Caleb to come home and the pork butt to be fully cooked, and I had not started on the pasta salad. I told Nana that I gave on trying to get it done, and asked if we could buy tater tots instead to have with the pork butt. She said we could.

    I don't remember what else I was doing yesterday. I know I went to check the mailbox just as Caleb was getting off the bus, and he came running up to me as I yelled, "Cabeeb! Cabeeby deeby! My baby!"

    I got the mail I was looking for. Caleb and I walked inside and he found out that Bubba jumped the fence and could not be found and he was angry at me for not watching him while he was outside. Here's the thing. Up until recently, Bubba stayed in the yard with Bella when they were outside together. Only recently has he been jumping the fence, but even then, he was only running to the neighbor's yard across the street and he could be called back into the yard easily. This was the first time, I could not call him back, because he was not where he normally goes.

    Caleb and I went to Food Lion to buy the tater tots and a few other things we needed. We came home and began making the tater tots because the pork butt had completed cooking to be able to fall off the bone. Caleb fed Bella and then Bubba. I got Caleb to take a shower which is a struggle with him. I need to remember that I need to take Caleb to get his hair cut. We had dinner, I took my night meds, and then I hemmed Caleb's dress uniform pants for him. It wasn't a good hem job, but I was sewing by hand, and really didn't want to put a lot of time or effort into the job. 

    It is now 0338. I am just enjoying reflecting on my yesterday in this blog. 

    Today I have my virtual therapy appointment at 0900. I bet I will be tired before that starts. It doesn't look like I'm going back to sleep anytime soon. It's getting closer to Caleb's wakeup time. I don't feel tired. I just enjoy typing my thoughts. I don't think I have any other appointments for today. I hope to get some laundry washed, most of the dishes washed, the trash collected from the living room and kitchen, and be able to make the pasta salad to completion for dinner. It doesn't sound like it would be hard to accomplish, but trust me, with all my disabilities even these tasks are hard. It's my pain, depression, and tiredness that gets in the way. Sometimes it's also being overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work that needs to be done to the point of not being able to do anything. It's embarrassing, but I have a literal mountain of our dirty laundry to go through, sort out, pre-treat, and wash, dry, fold, and put away. Caleb leaves his dishes everywhere. I missing a high number of spoons right now. Caleb leaves his trash everywhere he goes. He also argues when I tell him to clean up after himself, and then doesn't comply. I had to ground him for his behavior the other day. He is grounded until Monday. He is not allowed to go anywhere. If he continues, the phone will be taken away from him, and then the gaming consoles and computers he uses to play games. I want things to be better. I need Caleb's cooperation. He turns 16 years old this year. 

    I would like to get my room organized and cleaned. I am looking for a few things. One of them is a measuring tape. I am also looking for a box of empty spray bottles for essential oil use and my far infrared light therapy mat. I think it might be time to donate some clothes. Caleb has outgrown his clothes, and I had to buy him new clothes. Thank God for payment plans, or I would not have been able to buy my son clothes to go to school in! I just don't have the money saved up anywhere. I have clothes that have been in my closet for a year and have not been used. I think I might be ready to donate those clothes. I reorganized my clothing drawers the other day. I found what I was looking for. I moved a bunch of stuff around to make things easier for me to find what I need when I need it. 

    I'm dying to get these carpets cleaned, but I know the work will make my back hurt badly.

    I'm trying to earn money too. I am offering a discounted Reiki session of $20 in exchange for reviews. I am also applying for paid clinical trials. I am also trying the Empower app to earn money by talking to people about voting and voting registration.

    I use Reiki myself daily. As a matter of fact, I wanted to learn Reiki in order to heal myself. It has helped me a lot by helping with my stressload and reducing my pain levels. 

    I pray a lot too. I ask Jehovah to help me constantly. I ask Jesus for forgiveness of my sins, love, and healing. I ask the Ascended Masters to lead me in God's divine will and protect me. I ask God's angels to guard and protect me and lead me in the light. I ask all the sources I know for help.

    I have to go pick Caleb from school after it gets dark and I am a little concerned about that. I don't drive when it's dark outside because everyone will be driving with their headlights on. I am afraid to have a seizure caused by all the different lights on at night while I am driving. I am considering that if I can get the pasta salad done in time, I can go before it gets dark, and then I will only have to drive one way in the dark. Or maybe he could leave early to be able to get home before dark? I don't know. I guess we will find out.

    Tomorrow is a completely free day with no appointments, but Friday I have to drive to Wilmington to have my doctor's appointment and also have labs done. I might be meeting with a man that I met online who lives in Wilmington while I am there. It just depends on how things go while at the VA and if we can see each other during the time I am done at the VA, and he is done with his class, but before he has other appointments to go. I was trying to meet him for lunch, but then realized that I don't have the money to buy my lunch. Sooo... I had to rescind the meet up for lunch invitation. We are still going to try to meet though. We text each other nearly everyday. His name is Courtland.

    I have to reschedule my dental specialist appointment. I had an appointment scheduled but it was cancelled by the dentist's office a day before the appointment was scheduled, saying "We no longer do work for VA." Now I still have the problems that I had, but now they are getting worse. I had a root canal done around 2016 while I was a UNCW student. I think the root canal has failed and I need it to be remedied because it hurts badly across my whole left side of my bottom jaw when it hurts, and sometimes the left side top jaw too. I need to call my dentist's office for a new referral. I have to get that done today. Oh! I forgot! I am supposed to pickup the medications from CVS today too. I did not ever make it to CVS yesterday. Ugh! 

    I am still unsure as to why I am not having my menstrual cycle. It has been years since my last period. I figured it was because I was going through early menopause. Made sense to me, but my doctor at the time said I was too young. A different doctor said that my PCOS could be the problem. I have not had sex in many years, so I know I am not remotely pregnant. My former doctor tried to blame all my health problems on being fat. She was such a bitch to me when all I was trying to do was get myself the help I deserve. I am glad I filed papers against her and she eventually was terminated. I am currently on birth control because I should not get pregnant while taking all the medications I am on. It would not be good for me, nor the baby. It is also supposed to be an estrogen therapy type supplement. My OB/GYN said that the birth control she prescribed me was more estrogen than the actual estrogen therapy is. I have a hard time believing that. Anyway, I would still like a clear answer as to what is going on with my body. Sure, it could be all these medications I'm on, the fact that I never sleep well, that I don't get enough exercise, that I am obese... but what is the root cause? It can't be healthy to be an age when I am expected to have my period, and not have it. We have had imaging done to look for cysts in and on my ovaries. As far as I know there is no cancer involved for which I am thankful.

    I have been having mammograms on a regular basis because I have cysts behind my left nipple that they are monitoring. It appears to be benign so far, and I hope it starts to shrink. Mammograms are uncomfortable and can be painful. I hate them so much and only do them so often because I want to catch cancer early if I should end up with cancer at all. 

    It is now 0436. I have not moved from my chair since I began typing this blog. I can't believe I have been out here for this long and am not tired yet. Caleb will be up in about 30 minutes or so. He wakes up with all kinds of loudness and energy. I don't normally wake up with lots of energy. I am very slow moving in the morning. It is enough for me to get up and move from the bed to my chair. I guess I could go ahead and get my meds ready, or perhaps do some hape'. I thought about doing hape' earlier, but then thought about something else and didn't do it. I think I'll do it now. I normally have better clear-headed days when I use hape' in the morning before starting my day. 

    I am running out of time before Caleb wakes up, not that he cares or it matters to him. He knows I use hape'. He requires my full attention when he gets up to get him ready for school. I'm going to need to be clear-headed and able to hear myself think to be able to be the parent I want to be which I feel I have not been lately. I have been struggling too much with the other stuff going on in my head when the rare occasion came that I could hear myself think. When I don't sleep well, which is nearly every night, I can't think clearly. I also have brain fog for other reasons, some are probably due to my medications and my depression and C-PTSD.

    I guess I have to sign off for now. It was great being able to share with you this morning.

    Thank you for reading! Have a blessed day! Keep us in your prayers! Much love!

What's New

     It is now 0642 and I have been awake since 0400. I just did my hape'. I am really taking to the Bobinsana hape' from Four Visions Market. It'a great way to start my day. I feel lighter after the effects wear off. I feel like the heaviness that surrounds me is there no longer. It's great for helping move past my depression and grief. I am starting to feel better and be able to cook more frequently. I don't know if anyone knows how hard it is on me to do all the things it takes to raise a child with special needs while taking care of very physically disabled stepmom, and providing for 2 dogs, all while trying to keep the house clean and everyone fed non-stop. It's a lot of pressure for one person. I am disabled myself. I have a long list of disabilities. The first I always mention is Autism Spectrum Disorder. Although I am not clinically diagnosed yet, I am self-diagnosed from what I have read so far and the Canadian psychological tests they use to determine if someone has Autism. I took those tests a few years ago, but I have questioned it since being told while I was AIT in Ft. Sam Houston by one of my battle buddies who studied psychology that I might have Asperger's. From that moment on, I had to find out what that meant. I was clueless! When I began reading, I began to feel he was right. I was 20-something already then. 

    I also have major depression and C-PTSD. I have fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, PCOS, spinal nerves touching bones, a history of seizures, GERD, IBS, and type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. I am iron-deficient anemic. 

    Short story, I live with chronic illnesses everyday that cause suffering and pain. They make my life so much harder than someone who is completely healthy. I wish I could have told that to the social workers who were on my case.

    By the way, that DSS got closed last week! We are done with inspections and random pop-up home visits! It took a long time, but we did it! It took almost the whole year! I struggle with Caleb so much. They put us in therapy to work on our relationship. He is now in individual therapy and so am I. 

    I am working on my traumas in therapy. Caleb needs to work on following directions and listening to me the first time. He struggles with completing tasks fully. Caleb has Austism Spectrum Disorder that is clinically diagnosed. He also has ADHD and PTSD, along with ODD. It's no easy task to get him to do what I am telling him to do. He has argue about every little thing and be oppositional. 

    Anyway, the title is "What's New." A summary of what has transpired is 1) DSS cased closed, 2) Hurricane Helen in Western NC, 3) dad's life insurance policy made a decision, 4) we were able to replace Nana's bidet in the hallway bathroom, and 5) I've been using CBD + THC gummies to try to get a good night's sleep, 6) I started the Yoga for Trauma class all over again, and last but not least... 7) I reinvested in trying to make my business succeed.

    There was lots of disaster after PTS (potential tropical storm) #8 in our area. We were not affected by Hurricane Helene though. We are still in hurricane season. I pray they all dissipate before hitting land!

    Last night I cooked baby back ribs, sweet potatoes, and green beans. I made a huge pot of chili a few nights before. I am planning on giving the great of the chili to Carla when she comes over later today because it caused Caleb and me digestion problems. I haven't figured out why. I use to make beanless chili when I was on keto and I don't think I had this kind of reaction. I think it might be due to the beans. I like to eat beans, but beans don't like me. I was burping the flavor of the chili, and farting throughout the night so hard that it made Bella move away from me. I couldn't stay asleep. I got up at 0100 the other morning. I used it to my advantage though. I restarted the Y4T (Yoga for Trauma) class online. I watched the first lecture and then went to bed and read the foreword and acknowledgements. I never got to chapter 1 before falling asleep. 

    This week we are supposed to be on week 2 of the Y4T class. I need to catch up.

    I am trying to clean the house while I am home. Today I will be cooking a picnic bone-in pork butt in the slow cooker, and making a giant batch of pasta salad. I also have to go run out to CVS to pick up Nana's and Caleb's meds and go to Food Lion to buy the pasta salad dressing. Carla is coming over at 1000 so I can visit with her and give her the chili leftovers. The pork butt takes all day to cook so I will be starting to prepare it soon. The pasta salad uses a lot of fresh vegetables, so I will have to start prepping that soon too. 

    I know I have been stuck in survival mode. I didn't have a lot going on in my head because I was constantly sleep-deprived. I am working on getting more sleep. I am trying to sleep through the whole night. I wake up so many times that I hardly get any sleep! I forgot to say that also have sleep apnea.

    The hape's helps me so I can think more clearly. I slow down and relax a little. I can take a break from being in chronic hyperattentive mode. I can calm my body's reactions to chronic stress of being a disabled person with able-bodied life expectations on me. 

    I finally tried the magic mushroom microdose honey sticks. I don't feel a difference when I eat one though. Maybe I need 1.5? or 2 at a time? I was worried that I might not be able to use it because it is in honey. I was told that I was allergic to honey when I was little. I tried it anyway knowing full well that if I had an allergic reaction, it would send me to the ER. Thank God that is not what happened though.

    I need to clear off my incline trainer so Ic an use when I feel well enough to walk on it. I need the living room floor cleared up so I can practice the yoga in the Y4T classes and take notes on how I feel before, during, and after the sessions. 

    I was so fit back around 2013 because I was walking on a treadmill that the apartment complex had in their own mini-gym. I made it fun by listening to playlists that I created for my iPod. I got to the point that I was even dancing on the treadmill! I got down to my training weight, about 145lbs. I lost more than 50 lbs.! I was simplifying my life when I had a psychotic break in the Fall of 2013. Caleb was taken into emergency foster care, and it took me a year to regain custody of him! My heart had ripped out of my chest when I got home and was told that I had to go through a process with DSS to be able to ensure I could parent Caleb. They required that I have someone he could live with in case I ever needed to be hospitalized again. I asked my dad and Nana to live with me. I was scared it might happen again soon. While at the hospital they started me on psychiatric meds. 

    Anyway, it's just a bunch of memories now. Thank God! That had to be one of the hardest years of my life! I was a full-time college student at UNCW at the time and working towards graduation. I graduated in the Spring of 2015 from UNCW with my bachelor's of business administration with a concentration in Information Systems Technology.

    I while back I had some money to spare and I bought some supplements from GNC to help with my lack of energy and fat burning. I tried one so far and it did nothing for me. I think I have 3 or 4 more to try. I bought them during a BOGO free sale. I am currently on Ozempic and my weight is beginning to get lower. I am now on the maximum dose of Ozempic. I am lucky because I don't realize that I have any adverse side effects like some people do. I think my highest weight was 330-something lbs. I weighed in this morning at 302 lbs.! I can't wait to get under 300 lbs. once again. I long to be fit and strong again. I miss having energy. I wish I could remember how I made it through the Summer of 2013 and lost all that weight because I am trying to replicate that now. I was using meal replacement shakes for lunches. I had a simple breakfast of instant oatmeal with fruit in it and a cup of coffee every morning. Well, there's something I no longer do. I don't make myself coffee every morning anymore. I brought my shakes with me everyday to school for my lunch between classes so I wouldn't be tempted to eat junk as snacks. I ate a simple dinner of either tilapia or chicken breast with vegetables and sometimes rice. I think I went to workout nearly every school day. I think my schedule only allowed me to go maybe 3 times a week though. I don't remember that well. My memory is faulty. I wish I could remember stuff I want to know rather than stuff I don't want to focus on. 

    I use to be able to clean the carpet in my hallway every week/ I had to because Bella had accidents while we were not home. I can't do that anymore. I don't have the energy, and my back hurts afterwards. I try to avoid things that are going to bring me pain. I have enough pain daily that I don't want to add to it. Having fibromyalgia doesn't help either. It magnifies the physical pain and multiplies it times a factor depending on how my emotions run. If I am stressed, I will have more flare ups where my body feel inflamed and in pain and nothing can make it stop so I just have tor est it out. I am always stressed, so I am trying to find ways to reduce the stress occurring within my body so I don't have as many flare-ups, or pain issues.

    I am hoping the Y4T class will help me process traumas withing my body. I believe that a lot of my health conditions are a direct result of the psychological stresses placed on me throughout my life and the traumas that caused them. I also believe that movement will help me significantly feel better. Now, if only I could get the living room floor cleared enough to be able to stretch and do yoga practices!

    It is now 0740. I wonder if Nana is awake. If she would like to eat, I will make her standard breakfast for her : 3 scrambled eggs, 1 slice of sourdough toast, a few fresh strawberries, and a small handful of fresh blueberries. I like to eat scrambled eggs with cheese too. I hardly ever make myself breakfast, but I do enjoy it. I have found that I can think more clearly after I have eaten. My whole body feels differently before and after I eat. I love the way I feel after I have eaten a healthy and good taststing meal or snack. I have been buying myself fresh fruits now that I am not on the keto diet anymore. I started eating parboiled rice again too. Parboiled rice is better for diabetics than "regular" white rice. I don't like brown rice. When compared to parboiled rice, I think it might be even better for me, but I can't get over the taste and the texture. 

    So now when I wake up around midnight and need something to help me sleep, I choose an orange, peach, or grapefruit instead of eating Doritos. I also keep a V8 Splash fruit juice medley by my bedside so if all I need is a little bit of sugar, I can just sip it and go back to sleep.

    I've been working on getting the massive amounts of laundry cleaned and cleaning my bedroom. I have more stuff than I have time to deal with. I bought a ton of different exercising things to help me lose weight that I never took out of the box. I have so little "I feel ok" or "I feel good enough" time to do the things I deeply want to do. 

    I wish I could have expressed that directly to the social workers on my case. I couldn't fully express myself due to the stress they caused by showing up at my home whenever it was convenient for them. 

    I haven't heard from Christinia since our last discussion that ended in, " You were on my 'I would die for you' list before, but now you are not. I would not die for you."That's what she told me. She would die for both her kids, and Caleb, but not me. I'm ok with that actually because I don't want her to die for me. The thing is, she was once again trying to hurt me. I haven't attempted to contact her ever since that conversation. I considered blocking her on Facebook, but I don't want her texting me about it, looking for an argument. I'm walking away because that was not the first time she tried to hurt me with her words. I thought she was my friend, but she has got some real issues that I can't allow into my field. I can't help her. I tried my best. She needs professional help. I pray for her to get her life in order and together. I pray that she is successful in working so she can pay me back what she owes me. She owes me for the destruction of my car that I lent her. It was in accident some months ago and totaled because she allowed her disabled veteran neighbor who was apparently drunk at the time to drive my car and he got into a horrible accident. 

    Well, I see my therapist to work on my issues every 2 weeks. I see her again tomorrow as a matter of fact. I take all my meds as prescribed, and I seek medical assistance as needed. 

    I don't know. She told me I was wasting my life. How is that true? I am doing my best every day. I have plans to write a book of my own. I want to lose weight and learn how to play guitar. I have goals and aspirations of my own. One day I want to be able to write my own songs and sing them on videos that I publish. I am doing my best with both Caleb and Nana in my care, plus Bella and Bubba also in my care. I am heavily disabled and still trying to do what neurotypical able-bodied social workers determine I should be doing and also trying to do what Nana tells me to do that is in line with my personality, beliefs, and education. 

    Anyway, the sun is shining this morning. I am happy that it is because it makes it easier for me to work without the pains that come with gray, rainy days. I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I have light therapy box right here next to me ready to be used because I get so depressed as the seasons change and more time is spent in the dark than in the light.

    It's getting late and I have not yet started prepping the pork butt. I have to get started on my day now. It was good to journal again. I like it when I don't struggle to think things to write.

    Thank you for reading! Have a blessed day! Keep us in your prayers! Much love!