I Survived

     It is now 1208 on Tuesday morning and I just got up to have my Breyer's Cookies & Cream ice cream. I need to be awake for a little while before trying to go back to sleep. I was looking at some of the classes I purchased and never completed. I was going to try to learn something new, but Caleb is awake and out here making a tea with fresh mint leaves. He is wide awake. He just went back to his room, so it is quiet out here now.

    I had an incident a couple of days ago. I think it happened on Friday afternoon. I wasn't feeling good all of a sudden and I went to Nana's room to wait for her to come out of the bathroom. Normally I would talk to her from the hallway while she is in the bathroom. This time I didn't. I don't know what happened. I came to the conclusion much later that I had a psychotic break. I was not in touch with reality and it was scary for not only me, but my family members living with me. Caleb had to help me get out of Nana's way so she could make it to her bed. For some reason I thought I was in my room, and she was trying to get into my bed, but that was not the case. Nana said I had a weird smile on my face as she was telling me she needed me to get out of her way. Caleb got angry at me. I had no idea what I was doing wrong. I was not thinking right. I could not tell if what I was witnessing was real or not. I could not speak out. Caleb helped me get to bed where I must have fallen asleep right away. I only have memory of standing in Nana's room. I went in there to let her know that I was not feeling well, and the words never came out of my mouth. Caleb thought I was high, but I did not take anything that would cause me to react that way. I have a history of seizures, heat injuries, high blood pressure, diabetes type 2, and psychosis. I have not had any trouble with pyschosis since my hospitalization back in 2013 I think it was. I have taken my medications religiously in order to prevent hospitalization again. It was scary. I did not have control over myself. I am grateful I did not harm myself or anyone else and that I was safe at home. I still do not know what I did to cause that situation to occur. 

    I was able to rest. Having sufficient rest is so important to my health. Yesterday I was able to sit with my emotions and process them. I never really felt ok to cry about my dad's passing away. I was in charge of things as soon as I found out he died that early morning from the E.R. I took care of things the best I could with having little knowledge about what exactly needed to be done. I wanted to secure Nana's future right away, and I did. I wanted to bury my dad in a veteran's cemetery, and I did. I kept my head on my shoulders and in the game of life as it was unfolding, but never really sat and felt my big emotions come out. I have been grieving silently all this time carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I finally got those deep sighs and tears out yesterday while viewing the photos I posted to his memorial page. It was a huge relief. I have been so depressed and struggling to get by. My energy hasn't been what I know it can be. I have had little to no energy from being so depressed. I had to really sit here and let my heart and mind heal. It took some time. I have never lost someone close to me before. My dad was my closest living relative that still talked to me. I miss him every single day. I have done nothing but work to care for my family since he passed away. I have given very little time to myself to sit with my emotions and just cry it out like I needed to. I am feeling better now. My head feels clearer. 

    I have my regular appointment with my psychiatrist later today. I hope she knows how to help me prevent another psychotic episode. I was lucky that last one was short-lived. I could have gotten into alot of trouble and needed to be hospitalized again. I'm glad it only took some deep sleep to get through it. I'm not scared like I was the first time around. I already have my tattoos of crosses all over my body in an attempt to protect me and and others. 

    I reached out to my former drill sergeant and let him know what happened. I still look up to him and use the memories of basic training to help get through hard times. He didn't say much, but waas supportive.

    I let people in my inner circle know what happened in an effort to get support. I was kind of expecting people to be scared and avoidant. It's hard to be open with stuff like that. There is so little understanding of what is actually happening and even doctors shy away. It wasn't my fault. I did nothing to cause this to happen. In the past I have used things like delta-8 or delta-9 and had bad outcomes. I used them to help ease my physical pain and help me rest. Several times Caleb got scared and called the ambulance. He said I was unreactive. Well, when I haven't slept well and I was in pain, it seemed like the logical thing to do to get some rest. He would try to wake me, and I would not respond. I was just that tired and exhausted. I need to talk more. I need to let him know in advance how bad things are for me and how badly I need to be left alone to rest. It's just that simple. My medications aren't always enough to keep my pain levels down. I don't normally get quality sleep. It takes its' toll on me after awhile and I can't think straight. I'm left with no other options but to use something other than my prescribed medications, because I have already taken what I was prescribed. 

    In any case, I don't remember what led me to feeling badly on Friday. I was ok and then all of a sudden I had to find safety where I could wait for Nana to get out of the bathroom and talk to her. By the time she got to her room, I was no longer feeling present in my body. I was just a shell, just my body. I was not having clear thoughts or thoughts that I remember that had anything to do with what was really occurring in front of me. 

    Anyway, I'm glad that is over.

    Bella came out of my room to beg me to go back to bed. Poor girl doesn't like being in a bed without a person. She normally goes between my bed at night, and Nana's bed during the day. She loves to be at peace and rest easy. My girl is getting old on me. I don't know what I will do when she crosses the rainbow bridge. I hope she meets up with my dad on the other side. I'm going to miss her. Bubba isn't much younger than she is estimated to be. I will lose him too. I won't adopt more pets. I can't afford the vet bills for my poor dogs. They love me unconditionally though and are good emotional support animals. I know Bella was worried about me the way she nested as close as she could get without pushing me out of the bed. She was happy I was back to normal and just couldn't get close enough to my side. 

    Life can be so hard. I have so many medical problems. I just told Caleb about my delta-8 and delta-9 use and why it's important that we communicate so I get the rest I need without having to call 911. 

    I hope for better days ahead. I have guided meditations that I am trying to use daily that should help me re-calibrate. I have alot of work in front of me too. I have gotten behind, and Caleb has made things worse because he does not clean up after himself. He leaves trash everywhere in the house and cannot seem to put trash in the trash can where it belongs. He drives me crazy. He has those teenager attitudes and mood swings that are hard to deal with. He hasn't been taking his morning medications or afternoon medication because he hasn't been getting up in the morning when I get him up. He falls back asleep and misses the time to take his meds. I am taking deep breaths to get through our hardships. I just need to stay focused and we have to prepare for the school year starting on August 20. 

    I have slowly been getting slower and slower about being able to do things I used to do easily. It took me longer to get a shower recently because I just couldn't manage to get my energy level up enough to handle the burden. I'm getting all kinds of political emails trying to raise money and to sign petitions. I can't keep up with them anymore. It's too much to handle. I sign petitions on the days I have the mental strength. I don't have money to donate. I worry about paying the bills and buying groceries all of the time. The more I have to hear about Trump and his MAGA cult, the more stressed out I get. It's not something I can run away from. It's not something I can do something directly about either. I just want peace. Inner peace. Outer peace. Just peace and harmony. 

    I'm getting tired. It's now 0122. I'm going to bed.

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day!

It's Been Awhile

     It's been awhile since I last wrote anything. Days are going by like a flash. I can't keep up with everything that's going on around me. I definitely can't keep up with everything going on in the political envirnment here in the United States. On top of everything else, it's hurricane season here in the Southeast. I'm stressed to the max. It happens this way with hurricane season every year. I'm never able to fully prepare for evacuation. I never have enough money to put some away to pay for a motel somewhere. I have had to use my credit cards to buy groceries lately. I am having trouble with my bank. They are putting holds on all my mobile deposits for 7 business days, which total to 9 days. I need the money Nana pays me for groceries, and don't have access to it even though it has been deposited. It's driving me crazy inside. If there is one thing I aim to do, it is to pay the bills on time and keep groceries in the house. This bank situation makes it that much harder on me.

    Caleb tore through the house looking for a computer charging cable and now the house is in worse condition than it was before. Nothing is where it belongs. So much stuff is on the floor that it is hard for me to get around. It is dangerous because both doorways are blocked in a a way that I cannot get the wheelchair out with Nana in it in case of an emergency. 

    It has been so hot that I want ice cream frequently. It's not the no sugar added ice cream either. It's the Breyer's Cookies and Cream ice cream which I have found to be a comfort food. It brings me back to the days that my dad took Mathew and me to Dairy Queen. I miss my dad and my brother so much. My dad passed away about 3 years ago. Mathew is still alive as far as I know, but he doesn't talk to me anymore since the first term of Trump when he supported him and I had things to write about it.

    The heat is so bad during the day that it is hard for me to get any work done. When I do get work done, it is normally later in the day to clean the kitchen and cook dinner. I was able to buy a portable air conditioner to replace the window unit that is literally falling apart, but when Caleb plugged it in, he did not fully put it together. It overfilled with water, and flooded where it was standing. He had to remove the portable sir conditioner and put it outside to clean up the water. So we are not getting use out of it right now. It has to be drained and properly put together before we can plug it in again. We need to find the manual that came with it, and all the parts. We can't do that now because everything where it was unboxed is now in a huge pile of stuff that belongs to the air conditioner and stuff Caleb pulled apart looking for his computer charging cable. It's not going to be easy to clean up the living room, but I am going to try today.

    The laundy room is worse than it was before too. Caleb took apart storage boxes and just put everything on the floor, without putting things back where he found them. I can't reach the washing machine nor dryer right now, and there is a mountain of laundry to be washed. I can hardly get to the back door to let the dogs outside.

    I have been getting soaked in my own sweat while washing dishes and cooking at night. Dinner is happening later everyday. Usually I would start around 1630, but not anymore. Now we are not getting our dinner served until after my 1900 alarm. I am going to bed soaked in my own sweat because I don't have the energy to take a shower after working in the kitchen every night. I just dry off by laying on my bed in front of my portable air conditioner in my bedroom.

    Yesterday was the 4th of July. We did not do anything to celebrate at all. No fireworks, no barbeque, nothing. I did happen to go to Walmart and buy some groceries. I wanted ice cream and to get some regular groceries that Nana needs. I had a credit card that I used. Thank God, because I don't have access to the money she gave me by check. I don't have much anymore. I spent just under $100 yesterday. I hope what I bought lasts until the check's hold is removed.

    I had a strange thing happen to me the other day as I was eating ice cream in my bedroom the other night. I was lying in my bed with Bella next to me, and I noticed movement on the floor next to my bed under my night stand table. There was light coming from somewhere and a shadow was moving. I watched it to see if I could investigate further. The light didn't have a source. I looked everywhere. At first I thought maybe it came from the hallway, but that was not true. Then I thought the only other way the light could shine in the direction it was, was if it came from under my bed. It was strange. The shadow was moving, even when I was sitting perfectly still. Bella was not moving. The shadow looked like it could have been me eating my ice cream. I stopped eating my ice cream, but the shadow kept moving like a spoon to a mouth quickly. I couldn't figure it out. I got up to make sure no one was under my bed. I thought maybe Caleb was hiding or something. No one was there. There was no light coming from under my bed. The light had no source, and neither did the shadow I was witnessing. After having enough, and coming to the realization it was from another source, I called on my spiritual protectors: Jesus, Jehovah, Archangel Micheal, Mother Mary, and Mary Magdalene to guide and protect me. I thought fiercely, "In Jesus' name, be gone!" And the light and the shadow were gone. There was nothing but darkness under my nightstand table, like normal. And so it was....

    Yesterday something happened. Caleb was in his room resting, and I was in my room trying to rest. Nana was in her room resting. I was in a relaxed state with Bella in bed with me, but my lower back and pelvis were hurting. I thought I might have some privacy and be able to masturbate, but then it happened. Caleb came into my room the first time, and I was able to act like I wasn't doing anything but resting. He left with no knowledge. I thought I was ok to finish, but then Caleb comes into my room again asking, "Mom, are you ok?" I responded with, "Get out of here! I'm trying to masturbate!" LOL Oh man! Ugh. I have no privacy in my own house. Thank God he didn't see what I was doing because I was under my blanket. Still, it was embarrassing and frustrating at the same time. Later I talked to him about how I need my privacy too. It old him I'm only human, and masturbation is a good way to relieve stress. He didn't have anything to say and that was the end of it, or so he thought. When he knocked on Nana's door while I was in with her talking to her, I yelled, "Get out of here! We are masturbating!" Just to relieve the tension. I laughed so loudly and so hard! I told him he could come in. He was disgusted. I got him good. Nana reinforced that he doesn't have to worry about that ever happening because she is Catholic, and there are some things you just don't do, like masturbate with your step-daughter.

    Earlier yesterday I got Caleb good too. I told him after he was cuddling with Bella, that he had poop on his face! He believed me and got freaked out. He was asking where it was, and I resisted telling him. Then I told him, it was on his upper lip, so he starts wiping his face and his upper lip. I said, "Why would you wipe where the poop is with your hand?" And he got more upset. I couldn't stop laughing, Then I told him, "Oh! That was just your mustache!" He wanted to really get me back, so he mooned me, and sat with his bare butt on my lap. I spanked him hard. Oh man!

    We also had a more serious incident happen where Caleb's account was breached and someone bought a game. I had to report ait with my bank, and now I have to get a new credit card. It sucks because that credit card had money on it for me to use for groceries, and now I don't have access to it until I get the new card. Thank God the unauthorized charge was only $6.99, and not the total available balance.

    I'm getting tired again. It's only 0436 now. I have been awake for about an hour or so. I still have time to sleep. I have alot of work to do, so I better go rest.

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day!