Today’s prompt is “Who is the last person in your missed
calls?” Caleb is the last person in my missed calls.
It is now 2:48 am
on Thursday July 22, 2021 and the internet and cable are out. I am using
Microsoft Word to type up my blog, but it is not the same.
I woke Caleb up
to help me reset the WiFi. He was sleeping on the floor in the living room and
I was not trying to walk over him. The living room is such a mess because of
him. He has taken apart the sofa and used the cushions to make a teepee.
I could not
sleep. I could not get cool enough to get comfortable. I was too warm to cover
with a blanket, which is generally a requirement for me being able to sleep.
Yesterday I had
my therapist appointment online for EMDR. We just did intake
questionnaires. I no longer think EMDR
is the best choice of therapies for my situation, so we are going to do CPT,
Cognitive Processing Therapy. I am just glad to have help where I am being
given tools to get better. I can’t do everything on my own. I don’t have the
time nor energy to read the books I want to find out how to better care for my
mental health.
Billy called me
about his problems with his roommate, Robin. It was all kinds of craziness that
he was telling me.
After my online
appointment with the therapist, Caleb and I went to Walmart so I could buy some
blueberries and sugar free sweet tea. I ended up buying more school supplies
for Caleb while we were there. Walmart had stocked more supplies so there was
more stuff that we did not have from previous purchases that we needed.
When we came
home, I was tired and went to lay down for a few minutes. I had leftover chunky
pasta sauce with lots of shredded cheese for dinner. No noodles.
Yesterday I put
all my appointments in my new planner for this school year. I am using the
month planner sheets for my appointments to be able to see them all at once,
and the day planner part that just breaks down the week for keeping track of my
glucose numbers and what I eat. I bought a separate student planner to use to
schedule what I am going to teach and the assignments I plan on giving. I bought
a student planner for Caleb too. He has to be able to keep track of what’s
going on with his assignments too.
We are listening
to Matisyahu on the Bluetooth speaker now. Caleb nis wide awake. I called
AT&T to fix my internet and they said to call back after 6:00 am because
some of their systems are down. Like really? WTF am I supposed to do without
internet at this hour?
I am behind in
getting Caleb to take his end of year test that is required by the state to run
a homeschool. We started it, but haven’t finished it. Every day is a struggle.
Today I have
physical therapy in the office at 9:15 am. It’s really too early for me to be
going out, but I had no choice. It was all that was available. Caleb has two
appointments in the afternoon. One is for his therapist and the other for his
psychiatrist. I also have a Magdalene Rose Temple video to watch when I come
home. It’s going to be a busy day.
I have to find
the motivation to take a shower before we leave the house for our appointments.
I was too tired after dinner.
I need to catch
up with Ms. Miller about why I can’t order my Miralax online . It’s weird. I
haven’t been taking it recently. I got tired of making my drinks. My elbow is
strained from lifting the heavy water bottle repeatedly, along with my heavy
purse. I’m just trying to give it a break. I am not having as much trouble with
my bowel movements as I was before, so maybe I have improved my situation by
taking prebiotics, probiotics, eating kimchi, and eating Greek yogurt.
I am now on 13
units of insulin since my last appointment with my diabetes doctor. My sugar
levels are staying high, and I don’t understand why. I am not eating any of the
Big 4: rice, potatoes, bread, or pasta. I am taking physical therapy twice a
week, and I actually pushed myself pretty hard in the pool on Tuesday by
myself. I am supposed to do physical therapy exercises twice daily at home too.
I have not been successful doing that, but I am trying to do what I can. I
mean, when you put it into perspective that I can not take daily showers… I am
doing what I can, really, I am.
Caleb is eating
his sunflower seeds and listening to Our Lady Peace.
I want to
declutter my work space and use the filing cabinets for what they are for. I
mean I have piles of papers and notebooks that I don’t need to have right
beside my laptop. I need to get my headspace cleared up. I have not been
following Ethony Dawn for awhile of the
Awakened Soul Coven. I am behind in the Magdalene Rose Temple videos and
meditations. I have not finished reading the books that I have started. I have
not completed the rituals I wanted to do. I have not even lit my candles and
incense lately! I’m dragging ass , as we use to say in the Army.
I have forgotten
that I wanted to incorporate the use of the meal replacement and protein shakes
in my daily routine. I am trying to cut calories and still feel full. Also, I
need to have something in my belly in order to take my medications in the
mornings and in the evenings.
If I get my internet turned back on today,
which would be great, I need to check my dad’s secure messages on myhealthevet.
I am trying to reschedule his eye clinic appointment at the VA, but no one
answers the phone! SO I decided to ask the primary care team to send a secure
message over to the clinic scheduler and let them know he needs to reschedule
his appointment for any day in the afternoon. I don’t know if this has actually
happened, but I hope we are able to reschedule his appointment because that will
determine when he will have his eye surgery to correct his vision.
I am trying to
help my dad with his communications with the VA because secure messaging is the
best way to reach any of the providers. I am also trying to stay on top of the
other things he has going on with his VA disability claims, which he has many,
as well as other things going on. For instance, he bought a Suburban a few
weeks ago, and still has not received the title. His temporary license plate
tags are going to expire soon. He needs someone with a valid license to sign
the title and register the vehicle in NC. I don’t want to do it. I would rather
Sharon do it, but her license is expired and she needs to see an eye doctor for
an exam to replace her glasses before she will take the driver’s license test.
Ugh! So many complications.
My check engine
light is on in my Mazda 5 van. I took it to the dealership last Friday, and am
taking it back this Friday. They ordered a new fuel cap to see if that was the
problem. They are also scheduled to replace the front brakes as they need
servicing. I have other services that need to be done, but we are focusing on
1) check engine light and 2) what can be dangerous. I don’t have a lot of money
to spend right now. School supplies and groceries are expensive. My bills cost
most of my income. It’s really a shame to see the hole I have dug for myself. I
am in so much debt right now. On the brighter side, it does look like I might
be paying off two of the smaller balances on store credit cards in about 2
months. It’s not major, but every little bit helps.
I have asked for
help from both my mom and dad, as well as my Aunt Lisa to help pay for Caleb’s
school books. They cost about $300 this year. I spent just as much on school
supplies. My dad has helped a lot. My mom is unable to help because Kenneth may
be needing surgery soon and they will have to pay for that. I never heard
anything from my Aunt Lisa when I asked for assistance in paying for the books,
but I assume she is just too busy. I wish there were some grants for
homeschooling to help offset the expensive costs of doing things outside the
school system.
I managed to deal
with the everyday complaints from teachers about Caleb from kindergarten to 5th
grade. I’m not doing it anymore. I went through the trouble of getting him a
psychological evaluation every year, or as needed to keep his IEP updated. That
IEP didn’t do much to help him! He is not the average student. He is different,
and is not going to sit still and be quiet all day long. He was breaking
crayons, shredding papers, and he even farted loudly. I mean there was always
something to complain about. I get it. There are maybe 30 students in the
class, and Caleb is causing all kinds of distractions each and every day, but
what exactly am I supposed to do about it after the school day ends and I
finally get the note when Caleb comes home? I am not at the school to sit with
Caleb during his classes to help him do the right things. I cannot discipline
the ADHD and ODD out of him. The teachers did not know what to do, and I did
not know what to do either. SO here we are, homeschooling so I can better
control his behavior and train him to do what will be expected of him as an
adult. Do I make him sit in a desk all day? Nope! Is he required to be quiet
all day? Nope! How does this impact his learning ability? I’d say positively.
Now if I can manage to school him without the arguments from his ODD. Ugh. I
get exhausted too. I’m not supposed to be working, but here I am doing a special
education teacher’s job. He only spent maybe an hour with the special education
teacher when he was at elementary school. He should have been separated from
his peers to accommodate his needs, but the administrators thought differently.
The policy was to separate him from the classroom of his peers as little as
possible. Was this helpful? Hell NO! How frustrated was I when I went into the
annual meetings to discuss what is working, the progress made, etc. ? What I
wanted, and what Caleb actually needed was not going to happen because of the
administration and the policies in place.
Caleb is going to
study 6th grade subjects this year. He should have studied them last
year, but we ran into behavioral problems, so he will have to do it this year.
His problems are well documented with his mental health team. The arguments are
so frustrating! Every time I tell him to do something I am starting a war with
him. His brain fights everything I say. We are doing better these days, and I
hope this year we will accomplish way more because of the work I have done with
Caleb to get him to slow down and not be so argumentative for things that
obviously are 1) not a danger to him, 2) not a danger to someone else, and 3)
not against the law. He needs to be able to trust that I am trying to teach him
the right things to do, and the things he will need to know as an adult.
The only person I
have to talk to on a daily basis is my dad. I need adult conversation
throughout the day, and most everybody is at work during the day. I try to chat
with other people as they are able through text messaging, but it’s not
consistent. I am hoping talking to my therapist once a week will help. I need
to blog daily. It helps to clear my head so I can think more clearly during the
day.
I had to ask my
Aunt Lisa to send us a giant pack of paper towels and some scrubbing bubbles
spray. I try to budget what little I have after paying the bills, but things
are tight since the $400 in food stamps I was getting has been discontinued.
That’s a lot of groceries that I no longer having the resources to buy. I don’t
know what we are going to do. I have the child tax credit coming in until
December, but that is only $250/month. It helps, but it’s still short of what I
was getting in food stamps. My dad has been helping me buy groceries too. His
disability rating increased recently, but he is still not at 100% for reasons I
do not understand. I help him, and he helps me. I wish I could have them live
with me, but I know that can never happen again. They were paying me rent when
they lived with me. I could use the extra income to cover expenses.
Travis recently
text messaged me. He was complaining about his situation as always. I actually
considered having him move in again, so he could pay me rent, but I decided
against it. He has a really nasty attitude about most things, and smokes weed,
which is still illegal in NC. He wants to pay $600/month for a room to these
elderly people in Whiteville and think he’s not going to pay in other ways too.
They have him wake up early every morning, go to church on Sundays, and mow the
grass. I’ve heard complaints about them not using the air conditioning, and
other things. I told that dumbass if he didn’t like his situation, then leave.
He is stupid and likes to bitch. I told him that he likes to bitch and so
instead of making changes to make things better, he keeps them the same so he
can continue to have things to bitch about. He is one hateful ass motherfucker.
There is no way I can live with him again.
It is now 4:16
am. I am wide awake. I have had at least 3 Diet Mountain Dews by now, and a
package of Swiss cheese to snack on. I guess I will stay up. I still have to
hop in the shower eventually.
So I am trying
harder to manage my diabetes, but it looks like we will have to keep increasing
my insulin because my numbers are still averaging 250. I am trying to increase
my exercise, but it is a work in progress. I am doing good on avoiding the Big
4 so far, and it has been a week and half. I have even avoided going to Jersey
Mike’s for their bowl because I do not have the extra money to spend. I have
lost one pound too!
I’m just looking
around at all the clutter I have to declutter. Oh man. It’s like, where do I
even start? I wish I had an office. I have Bella at my feet. She is so precious
to me. She is such a good girl and she loves to follow me around the house. She
loves to sleep next to me. She is so soft and cuddly. I wish I could carry her
everywhere I go. She turns 6 this year, I think. I got the birthday card for
Bella from the vet this month. It’s hard to believe 4 years have passed with
her as my Bella boo boo.
I want to find a
way to get Caleb coding this year. I won’t be able to pay for a program, which
sucks, but I have seen trials recently for kids to start learning.
I want to plan a
trip to Washington D.C. for him to visit the museums there. He was there when
he was younger, and I am sure now he will have a different appreciation for
what is there. I want him to go to the Airborne Museum outside of Ft. Bragg
too. I also want to be able to take him to New York City and Philadelphia
eventually too.
My dad is willing
to pay for a membership to the pool at the local community college, where we
have been going for my pool physical therapy so Caleb and I can go when we
want. I am happy about that. It is easier for me to move in the water, and will
help me exercise more frequently without as much pain.
Alright I just
took my iron pill and orange juice.
I’m almost
totally done with vaping. I crave it when I am driving though. I am still on
zero nicotine. I don’t vape as much as I was before.
I have all kinds
of household chores to catch on. They are never ending. I clean it up and Caleb
finds ways to create a disaster area. I need to schedule a chore chart so he
works on at least one chore a day, so we are constantly making progress together,
and not just me all the time, by myself.
I want Caleb to
keep a free writing journal this year. I bought him a notebook to write in just
for that purpose. August approaches quickly. I have got to get the test sent
back to the service I rented it from. There is no reason for Caleb not to
complete the test when we are home. He may need to do it over the weekend in
order to get it done already. I have at least one appointment a day during the
week which makes it hard to sit down for any period of time to get testing
done. I have to create a testing environment for him, and supervise the test
taking. It would be easy to do if I could just type my blog while he is
testing. It would give me something quiet to do, while being able to observe
his progress and keep an eye on the timer.
I am waiting for
labs to return results for blood lab to determine my hormone levels. I am
testing to see if I am in menopause. I also gave a stool sample for colorectal
health screening. I have labs for pelvic exam testing I am waiting for too.
I am waiting for
my new glasses to come in so I can pick them up. I hope they look good on me.
Well, I am 5
pages in, and running out of things to write about. I need to go shower, so
that’s what I am going to do.
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