Thanksgiving 2024

     This Thanksgiving there was alot to be grateful for. The local American Legion donated our fully cooked Thanksgiving dinner from Publix. The American Legion Chaplain and his wife delivered the meal. I was so grateful just to have support this Thanksgiving. I haven't been feeling that great lately. I overworked trying to clean the living room while Caleb was at school one day. I pushed myself too hard and caused myself to have a fibromyalgia flare up that lasted for days on end. My entire body was in pain and there was nothing I could do to change it. I only wanted to rest in bed, but there was a lot of other work to be done. I felt guilty for not being able to clean the entire house before Thanksgiving holiday break. I wanted to prepare the kitchen for Nana to be able to cook the way she wanted. I was not able to completely clean the kitchen the way I wanted to. I was hoping to catch up on all the laundry so that there would be no more laundry on the floor in the laundry room, but I could not do that either. I wanted to vacuum the floors and deep clean the carpets with the carpet cleaner. I couldn't do it. I was so disheartened by inability to get things done. I was in a dark place mentally when the Chaplain and his wife brought the food over. I was happy to see them both, and they changed the way my day was going just by showing up.

    Nana wanted to watch the Thanksgiving parade in the living room on Thanksgiving day. I was trying to make that possible. Instead, I asked if she would be ok with just moving Caleb's tv into her room to replace her tv. Her tv muted itself and we could not unmute it. She could watch her tv, but not hear anything even though we changed the volume settings. Caleb's tv was donated to him by our neighbor, Chris. He had it in his room for awhile until he moved it into my room when he was sleeping in my bed. Caleb started sleeping in the living room because he said it was too cold in my room. He stopped sleeping in his room because he destroyed his room completely and has not cleaned it up. Anyway, we moved Caleb's tv to Nana's room so she could watch the Thanksgiving parade in her room instead of the living room. 

    I offered to prepare the Thanksgiving dinner for us, so Nana would not have to worry about how she was going to get around. Nana has a hard time walking, and when we go anywhere, she uses a wheelchair. We kept things simple so I could make our dinner a reality. Originally we were going to cook everything from scratch, but when I started feeling badly, we realized that was not a good idea. Nana found the fully prepared meals from Lowe's Foods and Publix, and we chose Publix because it was only $69.99. It was a lot cheaper to purchase the meal that way than it would have been to cook from scratch.

    Nana bought these really good frozen cinnamon rolls for me to heat on Thanksgiving morning that turned out really good. I woke up really early on Thanksgiving day, and Caleb woke up shortly after I did. I watched the introductions of the Thanksgiving Parade with Nana in her room. We had lil smokies in bbq sauce that I love. Later I ate the cauliflower she bought just for me to eat with Thousand Island dressing. It wasn't until the afternoon that I began preparing our dinner. It didn't take long because everything was already cooked. The Publix meal came with a fully cooked 10lbs. turkey, cornbread stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry relish, gravy, and marshmallow delight. The Chaplain added to our order, sweet potato casserole, corn on the cob, pumpkin pie, and apple pie. 

    I heated the turkey for too long, but it was still edible. I didn't like how the dark meat turned out, but I was ok with the white meat with some gravy. I liked all the sides. They were good. They weren't Nana's sides, but we didn't spend all day preparing food in the kitchen either. 

    Today is Sunday after Thanksgiving. I have been returning to my dad's memorial webpage a lot this holiday break.

    Black Friday comes after Thanksgiving. I can't say I wasn't tempted. I woke up really early and spent all morning browsing online at the sales. I ordered some things that I wanted and needed at the same time. I ordered something for Nana for Christmas too. 

    I just found out yesterday that the Soldier's Angels application for Christmas support was approved! I think Caleb will get at least one Christmas present from the list I provided.

    I also found out yesterday that I am being given unlimited access to the Yoga For Trauma program. I confessed to the teacher that life got in my way trying to care for Caleb and Nana as a disabled person. It was too much to handle. She offered me open access to the program so that I could complete it in my own time. I was so happy to read it in the email I got yesterday!

    I had to make some hard decisions this holiday break too. Some of my subscriptions I use for my business were renewing and it was up to me to choose if I wanted to continue trying to make my business work or not. I chose to keep trying. 

    I have been getting these emails from Proofread Anywhere for a long time. I was interested in finding a way to earn money that wasn't from Healinergy LLC. They were running a special for Black Friday with the programs heavily discounted. I decided to jump right on it after a long time thinking about whether or not I would be able to complete it. I am praying that I can do better from here on out. I need to be able to earn money in the time that I have available. I don't have a lot of available time is the problem. I am overworked as it is and not completing my goals. I am not getting a lot of support from Caleb. I don't know what his problem is, but he can't /won't clean up after himself.

    The week before this past week both Caleb and I had multiple appointments to go to. Everyday that week I was driving to appointments for one or both of us. This coming up week I have to find Caleb a dentist in his insurance network that is not far away. He has a toothache that won't go away. He ruined his relationship with the dentist I found by resisting efforts to treat his cavities. Caleb can't stand needles apparently. Now I have to find a new dentist because that dentist won't try to treat him again after how he acted at the last appointment. 

    This morning I finally got so cold that I put on the heat in the central air and asked Caleb for my Army hoodie. I was previously wearing a tank top and shorts because I was sweating and working. It's finally really cold this morning. I even had to pull out the fleece throw blanket and use it under my regular quilt to stay warm. Bella was not in bed with me like she normally is. She tends to keep me warm. So does Bubba, but Bubba was with Caleb last night in his room. Normally I just cover myself with the quilt to sleep. It doesn't trap my body heat like other blankets do, so I do not wakeup all drenched in my sweat. 

    It looks like the sun is coming up. It is time for me to eat breakfast and take my morning medications. I pray that today is good and productive day. Yesterday was. I was able to take a shower yesterday. Then Caleb and I went out and had some Taco Bell before going to Walmart to pick up a few groceries. After that I went to Amsterdam Life in Southport to buy my vaping supplies. We came home and eventually after doing some of my hape' I washed some dishes. 

    Today I want to make progress on the laundry while cleaning up the kitchen and living room. Caleb is already being resistant, so we will see if he is helpful at all. We have to get as much trash out of house as possible because trash pickup is Monday mornings. Caleb asked if he could have some money for his games, and I told him he has to work to earn his money. I think he understands, but I bring it up all the time now to reinforce the idea that nobody gets paid without getting the work done first. 

    Thank you for reading! Have blessed day! Keep us in your prayers! Be blessed!

Getting Ready For the Holidays

     It is 0419 now. I have been awake for more than an hour. I decided to update my glucose reading spreadsheet for Dr. Kent and email it, as well as order my prescription refills. I couldn't sleep. I don't know why I am awake so early. I uploaded my most recent labs to Virta. My A1C is 7.3. 

    Yesterday was Monday and Caleb had a morning appointment with his therapist. The appointment went well. Caleb needed a haircut, so I took him to get one after his appointment. I got paid yesterday, so I could finally afford it. Caleb and I stopped at the new cafe' for some coffee after his haircut. There was an older man at Great Clips who was getting his haircut too who paid for Caleb's haircut because he was wearing his JROTC uniform. He told Caleb "Thank you for your service." I thanked the man as he walked out. I originally wanted some egg rolls before taking Caleb to school, but the restaurant was not open. While we were standing outside, a man called out to us as he walked towards us from the gas station. He was asking to use our phone. I let him make a call on my phone. He had been stuck at the gas station for some time and needed a ride. He told Caleb to stick with JROTC, and that he was a Staff Sergeant and squad leader in his past. He said, "Look where bad decisions get you. Look at me." 

    Caleb begged to go home after our coffee because his rash was bothering him because he did not put the treatment on it. I brought him home. I had been messaging my friend, Stacy, who works in home improvement about getting the bidet toilet seat installed for Nana. She assured me it was not difficult and that Caleb should be able to put it on. When we came home, Caleb went right to installing the bidet toilet seat for Nana. He did it! I checked it to make sure it worked, and it did! I'm proud of Caleb! 

    We spent the rest of the day cleaning in the house because the house looks like a disaster area again. I spent most of my time washing dishes, but I also put away groceries, and picked up trash. I brought in the rest of the groceries from the van that Caleb did not bring in from the Walmart order I picked up the other day. It was mostly drinks. Caleb cleaned out the passenger side of the van by picking up the trash from the floor in the front seat. Caleb also moved the old air conditioning unit to the road where the metal man could pick it up. He also picked up the trash from around where the trash bins were that had fallen to the ground.

    I know it's been a long time since I have blogged. I haven't been well lately. I had a really bad cough from a post nasal sinus drip. It was keeping me up all night. I was miserable. I am feeling better now though. 

    Today Caleb has another appointment this morning. I have a phone call appointment this afternoon with Dr. Kent. 

    I am determined to get this house cleaned. I am still working to get caught up on the laundry. Caleb has trash everwhere all over the floors. Ugh! It's so frustrating! I can't get him to understand how important it is to be clean. 

    I had 2 Facebook members with photos of Generals as their profile photo contact me claiming to be the Generals in the photos and wanting to get to know me. I find it hard to believe that not only one, but two U.S. Army Generals would contact me out of the blue and want to get to know me. I chatted with both of them just out of curiosity. Both were quick to ask me questions about being in a relationship and marriage. If that doesn't seem wrong, I don't know. I just feel like a real U.S. Army General would not be messaging me on Facebook out of the blue because a real U.S. Army General would not give me the time of day. I'm keeping myself protected regardless.

    I am planning on taking Caleb to his psychiatrist appointment and then taking him to school so I can come back home and get work done. They closed the road I would normally use to get to his school, so he is going to show me the new way his bus takes to get to his school now. 

    I was doing a fundraiser because I got myself in a jam. I have bills that I can't pay and buy groceries at the same time. Donna took me to a food pantry at a church in Bolivia. Shady took us grocery shopping at Food Lion. Other people donated to my fundraiser. I don't have enough to pay the EMS bill, my flood insurance policy, or for car repairs. I will have to make payments on the EMS bill until it is paid. I will have to let my flood policy lapse until I can save enough to pay the premium. I will have to save enough to cover the estimated cost of repairs on the van. The Mazda's air conditioning is not working. It does not blow air at all. I have no way to defrost my windshield. I need to get it fixed as soon as possible. I need to find a way to earn money. My business is not going well. I don't give it the time it needs. 

    I reached out to the DAV, VFW, and the American Legion for help. The American Legion is providing us a cooked Thanksgiving dinner from Publix! We are so grateful!

    Caleb just woke up. It's time for me to get our medications out and start the day.

    Thank you for reading! Have a blessed day! Keep us in your prayers! Be blessed!

Just because

     It is now 0242 and I have been awake for some time now. I just thought to upload my DSS case files to my VA claim that I have open and am waiting for a decision. I hope that it sheds some light on how much I struggle and need the additional help. It's in my prayers that the VA claims are approved in total.

    I got up because I had to use the bathroom. I then ate a grapefruit and came to sit in my chair at the dining table where I work. I was just thinking to myself. It has been a long time since I have been consistently blogging. I fell into a depression after my dad died and am just now beginning to feel better. I think he died in either November or December of 2022. I don't remember the date. I was never good at remembering dates. This marks the end of the second year without my dad. I bought a photo on canvas of my favorite photo of Caleb, the dogs, and my dad, and hung it up in the living room so I can see my dad's face whenever I need to. It is helpful. I know he is always around me. Energy doesn't die. His body died, but not his energy. 

    I have been wanting to get deeper into Reiki. I don't know how much deeper I can go since I am already a Reiki Master. I have a library of books that I want to read and take notes on. Some are about my mental health like books about girls with Autism or how to handle depression. Some are about crystals and crystal healing. Others are about Reiki, Yoga, or other spiritual/energy practices or exercises. I have fitness books. I also have books about survival that are manuals from the military. I have books that are about parenting children with special needs and child psychology. I have other books about leadership and women who were close to God. I have a lot of reading to catch up on. I bought them when they were on sale and when I had the money to spend. I have not had the time and energy to read any of them, but I know I would benefit immensely if I could manage it. 

    Right now the focus is on taking this Y4T class and keeping up with the class. I am already behind. We started last week, but I didn't start until Monday this week. I watched the lecture video. I did not watch the yoga practice video. I began reading the book, but the foreword and acknowledgments are so long, I never made to page 1 of the first chapter! Sooo.... if I could just clear the living room floor I might be bale to do the yoga practices and catch up with everyone else. I need this class for myself to help with the trauma I have dealt with in my life. I also want to learn as much as possible so I can help other people struggling with trauma too. I have to set aside time each week to do watch the lecture, watch the yoga practice and exercise with it, and read the chapter in the book. I should probably write it in my schedule on my calendar so I don't forget about it.

    Caleb is going to be doing honor guard today after school at a sports event for JROTC. I don't know if I will be able to attend. I still have social anxiety when getting into large groups of people due to 9/11. I would like to capture his first event on video if I could. 

    I had a pretty good day yesterday. I was awake and had clear thinking for most of the day. I did have my special coffee blend plus a coffee that Carla bought me. Too much coffee for one day I later found out. I enjoyed being able to think clearly without all the worry, anxiety, and stress that I suffer from on a daily basis. I was able to write my blog yesterday which helped me clear some air out and remove some burdens I carry. I got up earlier than normal and was awake, not sleepy at 0400. I started my day then. I waited for 0500 to get Caleb up which is his normal time for school days. We did our normal morning routines, and he got on the bus and I came home. I wrote my blog. Afterwards I went and talked with Nana. I made us both breakfast. By the time we finished eating and I let the dogs outside, it was time for Carla to arrive to pick up  the chili I was giving her. Carla arrived later than expected, but while I was waiting, I was able to start the picnic bone-in pork butt in the slow cooker. That was for dinner. I planned on making a pasta salad recipe Nana use to make for us, but I never got started. Carla arrived and she brought me a delicious iced coffee. I was able to hug my friend without guilt or shame because I was finally able to take a shower on Sunday and had been keeping up with my personal hygiene ever since. I don't like giving stinky hugs to my friends. I love Carla. She is one of the sweetest women I know. We are both mothers of sons with ASD. I, however, also have ASD, and I'm pretty sure she does not. She is a Jehovah's Witness and we do weekly Bible study together when she comes over to visit. 

    After Carla left, I realized it was getting late. I needed to start making the pasta salad if I wanted it to be done for dinner. I didn't want to start because I had a phone appt with the pharmD at the VA at 1400. I didn't want to have my hands dirty from prepping vegetables, and not be able to answer the phone in time. I decided to just wait for the call. I had the call, and all went well. Oh! That's the other thing I did. I updated my biomarkers spreadsheet with my glucose readings for Dr. Kent, pharmD. I was happy that I had a lot of days I took my glucose readings. I struggle with remembering to take my glucose readings before dinner.

    I spent some time talking with Nana. I let the dogs outside a second time. When I went to let them back inside, Bubba was nowhere to be found. I waited for him to come back after looking for him in the usual places he goes. I caught him on the Ring camera and was able to bring him back inside. I am so grateful he did not wander for long. I don't know what I would have done if Caleb came home and Bubba wasn't home. He would've been so upset.

    I took a break after that. I felt like I needed to lie down. I wanted a nap, but couldn't fall asleep after drinking 2 large coffees earlier. I just rested my body which was hurting all over mildly and needed rest.

    It was getting closer to time for Caleb to come home and the pork butt to be fully cooked, and I had not started on the pasta salad. I told Nana that I gave on trying to get it done, and asked if we could buy tater tots instead to have with the pork butt. She said we could.

    I don't remember what else I was doing yesterday. I know I went to check the mailbox just as Caleb was getting off the bus, and he came running up to me as I yelled, "Cabeeb! Cabeeby deeby! My baby!"

    I got the mail I was looking for. Caleb and I walked inside and he found out that Bubba jumped the fence and could not be found and he was angry at me for not watching him while he was outside. Here's the thing. Up until recently, Bubba stayed in the yard with Bella when they were outside together. Only recently has he been jumping the fence, but even then, he was only running to the neighbor's yard across the street and he could be called back into the yard easily. This was the first time, I could not call him back, because he was not where he normally goes.

    Caleb and I went to Food Lion to buy the tater tots and a few other things we needed. We came home and began making the tater tots because the pork butt had completed cooking to be able to fall off the bone. Caleb fed Bella and then Bubba. I got Caleb to take a shower which is a struggle with him. I need to remember that I need to take Caleb to get his hair cut. We had dinner, I took my night meds, and then I hemmed Caleb's dress uniform pants for him. It wasn't a good hem job, but I was sewing by hand, and really didn't want to put a lot of time or effort into the job. 

    It is now 0338. I am just enjoying reflecting on my yesterday in this blog. 

    Today I have my virtual therapy appointment at 0900. I bet I will be tired before that starts. It doesn't look like I'm going back to sleep anytime soon. It's getting closer to Caleb's wakeup time. I don't feel tired. I just enjoy typing my thoughts. I don't think I have any other appointments for today. I hope to get some laundry washed, most of the dishes washed, the trash collected from the living room and kitchen, and be able to make the pasta salad to completion for dinner. It doesn't sound like it would be hard to accomplish, but trust me, with all my disabilities even these tasks are hard. It's my pain, depression, and tiredness that gets in the way. Sometimes it's also being overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work that needs to be done to the point of not being able to do anything. It's embarrassing, but I have a literal mountain of our dirty laundry to go through, sort out, pre-treat, and wash, dry, fold, and put away. Caleb leaves his dishes everywhere. I missing a high number of spoons right now. Caleb leaves his trash everywhere he goes. He also argues when I tell him to clean up after himself, and then doesn't comply. I had to ground him for his behavior the other day. He is grounded until Monday. He is not allowed to go anywhere. If he continues, the phone will be taken away from him, and then the gaming consoles and computers he uses to play games. I want things to be better. I need Caleb's cooperation. He turns 16 years old this year. 

    I would like to get my room organized and cleaned. I am looking for a few things. One of them is a measuring tape. I am also looking for a box of empty spray bottles for essential oil use and my far infrared light therapy mat. I think it might be time to donate some clothes. Caleb has outgrown his clothes, and I had to buy him new clothes. Thank God for payment plans, or I would not have been able to buy my son clothes to go to school in! I just don't have the money saved up anywhere. I have clothes that have been in my closet for a year and have not been used. I think I might be ready to donate those clothes. I reorganized my clothing drawers the other day. I found what I was looking for. I moved a bunch of stuff around to make things easier for me to find what I need when I need it. 

    I'm dying to get these carpets cleaned, but I know the work will make my back hurt badly.

    I'm trying to earn money too. I am offering a discounted Reiki session of $20 in exchange for reviews. I am also applying for paid clinical trials. I am also trying the Empower app to earn money by talking to people about voting and voting registration.

    I use Reiki myself daily. As a matter of fact, I wanted to learn Reiki in order to heal myself. It has helped me a lot by helping with my stressload and reducing my pain levels. 

    I pray a lot too. I ask Jehovah to help me constantly. I ask Jesus for forgiveness of my sins, love, and healing. I ask the Ascended Masters to lead me in God's divine will and protect me. I ask God's angels to guard and protect me and lead me in the light. I ask all the sources I know for help.

    I have to go pick Caleb from school after it gets dark and I am a little concerned about that. I don't drive when it's dark outside because everyone will be driving with their headlights on. I am afraid to have a seizure caused by all the different lights on at night while I am driving. I am considering that if I can get the pasta salad done in time, I can go before it gets dark, and then I will only have to drive one way in the dark. Or maybe he could leave early to be able to get home before dark? I don't know. I guess we will find out.

    Tomorrow is a completely free day with no appointments, but Friday I have to drive to Wilmington to have my doctor's appointment and also have labs done. I might be meeting with a man that I met online who lives in Wilmington while I am there. It just depends on how things go while at the VA and if we can see each other during the time I am done at the VA, and he is done with his class, but before he has other appointments to go. I was trying to meet him for lunch, but then realized that I don't have the money to buy my lunch. Sooo... I had to rescind the meet up for lunch invitation. We are still going to try to meet though. We text each other nearly everyday. His name is Courtland.

    I have to reschedule my dental specialist appointment. I had an appointment scheduled but it was cancelled by the dentist's office a day before the appointment was scheduled, saying "We no longer do work for VA." Now I still have the problems that I had, but now they are getting worse. I had a root canal done around 2016 while I was a UNCW student. I think the root canal has failed and I need it to be remedied because it hurts badly across my whole left side of my bottom jaw when it hurts, and sometimes the left side top jaw too. I need to call my dentist's office for a new referral. I have to get that done today. Oh! I forgot! I am supposed to pickup the medications from CVS today too. I did not ever make it to CVS yesterday. Ugh! 

    I am still unsure as to why I am not having my menstrual cycle. It has been years since my last period. I figured it was because I was going through early menopause. Made sense to me, but my doctor at the time said I was too young. A different doctor said that my PCOS could be the problem. I have not had sex in many years, so I know I am not remotely pregnant. My former doctor tried to blame all my health problems on being fat. She was such a bitch to me when all I was trying to do was get myself the help I deserve. I am glad I filed papers against her and she eventually was terminated. I am currently on birth control because I should not get pregnant while taking all the medications I am on. It would not be good for me, nor the baby. It is also supposed to be an estrogen therapy type supplement. My OB/GYN said that the birth control she prescribed me was more estrogen than the actual estrogen therapy is. I have a hard time believing that. Anyway, I would still like a clear answer as to what is going on with my body. Sure, it could be all these medications I'm on, the fact that I never sleep well, that I don't get enough exercise, that I am obese... but what is the root cause? It can't be healthy to be an age when I am expected to have my period, and not have it. We have had imaging done to look for cysts in and on my ovaries. As far as I know there is no cancer involved for which I am thankful.

    I have been having mammograms on a regular basis because I have cysts behind my left nipple that they are monitoring. It appears to be benign so far, and I hope it starts to shrink. Mammograms are uncomfortable and can be painful. I hate them so much and only do them so often because I want to catch cancer early if I should end up with cancer at all. 

    It is now 0436. I have not moved from my chair since I began typing this blog. I can't believe I have been out here for this long and am not tired yet. Caleb will be up in about 30 minutes or so. He wakes up with all kinds of loudness and energy. I don't normally wake up with lots of energy. I am very slow moving in the morning. It is enough for me to get up and move from the bed to my chair. I guess I could go ahead and get my meds ready, or perhaps do some hape'. I thought about doing hape' earlier, but then thought about something else and didn't do it. I think I'll do it now. I normally have better clear-headed days when I use hape' in the morning before starting my day. 

    I am running out of time before Caleb wakes up, not that he cares or it matters to him. He knows I use hape'. He requires my full attention when he gets up to get him ready for school. I'm going to need to be clear-headed and able to hear myself think to be able to be the parent I want to be which I feel I have not been lately. I have been struggling too much with the other stuff going on in my head when the rare occasion came that I could hear myself think. When I don't sleep well, which is nearly every night, I can't think clearly. I also have brain fog for other reasons, some are probably due to my medications and my depression and C-PTSD.

    I guess I have to sign off for now. It was great being able to share with you this morning.

    Thank you for reading! Have a blessed day! Keep us in your prayers! Much love!

What's New

     It is now 0642 and I have been awake since 0400. I just did my hape'. I am really taking to the Bobinsana hape' from Four Visions Market. It'a great way to start my day. I feel lighter after the effects wear off. I feel like the heaviness that surrounds me is there no longer. It's great for helping move past my depression and grief. I am starting to feel better and be able to cook more frequently. I don't know if anyone knows how hard it is on me to do all the things it takes to raise a child with special needs while taking care of very physically disabled stepmom, and providing for 2 dogs, all while trying to keep the house clean and everyone fed non-stop. It's a lot of pressure for one person. I am disabled myself. I have a long list of disabilities. The first I always mention is Autism Spectrum Disorder. Although I am not clinically diagnosed yet, I am self-diagnosed from what I have read so far and the Canadian psychological tests they use to determine if someone has Autism. I took those tests a few years ago, but I have questioned it since being told while I was AIT in Ft. Sam Houston by one of my battle buddies who studied psychology that I might have Asperger's. From that moment on, I had to find out what that meant. I was clueless! When I began reading, I began to feel he was right. I was 20-something already then. 

    I also have major depression and C-PTSD. I have fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, PCOS, spinal nerves touching bones, a history of seizures, GERD, IBS, and type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. I am iron-deficient anemic. 

    Short story, I live with chronic illnesses everyday that cause suffering and pain. They make my life so much harder than someone who is completely healthy. I wish I could have told that to the social workers who were on my case.

    By the way, that DSS got closed last week! We are done with inspections and random pop-up home visits! It took a long time, but we did it! It took almost the whole year! I struggle with Caleb so much. They put us in therapy to work on our relationship. He is now in individual therapy and so am I. 

    I am working on my traumas in therapy. Caleb needs to work on following directions and listening to me the first time. He struggles with completing tasks fully. Caleb has Austism Spectrum Disorder that is clinically diagnosed. He also has ADHD and PTSD, along with ODD. It's no easy task to get him to do what I am telling him to do. He has argue about every little thing and be oppositional. 

    Anyway, the title is "What's New." A summary of what has transpired is 1) DSS cased closed, 2) Hurricane Helen in Western NC, 3) dad's life insurance policy made a decision, 4) we were able to replace Nana's bidet in the hallway bathroom, and 5) I've been using CBD + THC gummies to try to get a good night's sleep, 6) I started the Yoga for Trauma class all over again, and last but not least... 7) I reinvested in trying to make my business succeed.

    There was lots of disaster after PTS (potential tropical storm) #8 in our area. We were not affected by Hurricane Helene though. We are still in hurricane season. I pray they all dissipate before hitting land!

    Last night I cooked baby back ribs, sweet potatoes, and green beans. I made a huge pot of chili a few nights before. I am planning on giving the great of the chili to Carla when she comes over later today because it caused Caleb and me digestion problems. I haven't figured out why. I use to make beanless chili when I was on keto and I don't think I had this kind of reaction. I think it might be due to the beans. I like to eat beans, but beans don't like me. I was burping the flavor of the chili, and farting throughout the night so hard that it made Bella move away from me. I couldn't stay asleep. I got up at 0100 the other morning. I used it to my advantage though. I restarted the Y4T (Yoga for Trauma) class online. I watched the first lecture and then went to bed and read the foreword and acknowledgements. I never got to chapter 1 before falling asleep. 

    This week we are supposed to be on week 2 of the Y4T class. I need to catch up.

    I am trying to clean the house while I am home. Today I will be cooking a picnic bone-in pork butt in the slow cooker, and making a giant batch of pasta salad. I also have to go run out to CVS to pick up Nana's and Caleb's meds and go to Food Lion to buy the pasta salad dressing. Carla is coming over at 1000 so I can visit with her and give her the chili leftovers. The pork butt takes all day to cook so I will be starting to prepare it soon. The pasta salad uses a lot of fresh vegetables, so I will have to start prepping that soon too. 

    I know I have been stuck in survival mode. I didn't have a lot going on in my head because I was constantly sleep-deprived. I am working on getting more sleep. I am trying to sleep through the whole night. I wake up so many times that I hardly get any sleep! I forgot to say that also have sleep apnea.

    The hape's helps me so I can think more clearly. I slow down and relax a little. I can take a break from being in chronic hyperattentive mode. I can calm my body's reactions to chronic stress of being a disabled person with able-bodied life expectations on me. 

    I finally tried the magic mushroom microdose honey sticks. I don't feel a difference when I eat one though. Maybe I need 1.5? or 2 at a time? I was worried that I might not be able to use it because it is in honey. I was told that I was allergic to honey when I was little. I tried it anyway knowing full well that if I had an allergic reaction, it would send me to the ER. Thank God that is not what happened though.

    I need to clear off my incline trainer so Ic an use when I feel well enough to walk on it. I need the living room floor cleared up so I can practice the yoga in the Y4T classes and take notes on how I feel before, during, and after the sessions. 

    I was so fit back around 2013 because I was walking on a treadmill that the apartment complex had in their own mini-gym. I made it fun by listening to playlists that I created for my iPod. I got to the point that I was even dancing on the treadmill! I got down to my training weight, about 145lbs. I lost more than 50 lbs.! I was simplifying my life when I had a psychotic break in the Fall of 2013. Caleb was taken into emergency foster care, and it took me a year to regain custody of him! My heart had ripped out of my chest when I got home and was told that I had to go through a process with DSS to be able to ensure I could parent Caleb. They required that I have someone he could live with in case I ever needed to be hospitalized again. I asked my dad and Nana to live with me. I was scared it might happen again soon. While at the hospital they started me on psychiatric meds. 

    Anyway, it's just a bunch of memories now. Thank God! That had to be one of the hardest years of my life! I was a full-time college student at UNCW at the time and working towards graduation. I graduated in the Spring of 2015 from UNCW with my bachelor's of business administration with a concentration in Information Systems Technology.

    I while back I had some money to spare and I bought some supplements from GNC to help with my lack of energy and fat burning. I tried one so far and it did nothing for me. I think I have 3 or 4 more to try. I bought them during a BOGO free sale. I am currently on Ozempic and my weight is beginning to get lower. I am now on the maximum dose of Ozempic. I am lucky because I don't realize that I have any adverse side effects like some people do. I think my highest weight was 330-something lbs. I weighed in this morning at 302 lbs.! I can't wait to get under 300 lbs. once again. I long to be fit and strong again. I miss having energy. I wish I could remember how I made it through the Summer of 2013 and lost all that weight because I am trying to replicate that now. I was using meal replacement shakes for lunches. I had a simple breakfast of instant oatmeal with fruit in it and a cup of coffee every morning. Well, there's something I no longer do. I don't make myself coffee every morning anymore. I brought my shakes with me everyday to school for my lunch between classes so I wouldn't be tempted to eat junk as snacks. I ate a simple dinner of either tilapia or chicken breast with vegetables and sometimes rice. I think I went to workout nearly every school day. I think my schedule only allowed me to go maybe 3 times a week though. I don't remember that well. My memory is faulty. I wish I could remember stuff I want to know rather than stuff I don't want to focus on. 

    I use to be able to clean the carpet in my hallway every week/ I had to because Bella had accidents while we were not home. I can't do that anymore. I don't have the energy, and my back hurts afterwards. I try to avoid things that are going to bring me pain. I have enough pain daily that I don't want to add to it. Having fibromyalgia doesn't help either. It magnifies the physical pain and multiplies it times a factor depending on how my emotions run. If I am stressed, I will have more flare ups where my body feel inflamed and in pain and nothing can make it stop so I just have tor est it out. I am always stressed, so I am trying to find ways to reduce the stress occurring within my body so I don't have as many flare-ups, or pain issues.

    I am hoping the Y4T class will help me process traumas withing my body. I believe that a lot of my health conditions are a direct result of the psychological stresses placed on me throughout my life and the traumas that caused them. I also believe that movement will help me significantly feel better. Now, if only I could get the living room floor cleared enough to be able to stretch and do yoga practices!

    It is now 0740. I wonder if Nana is awake. If she would like to eat, I will make her standard breakfast for her : 3 scrambled eggs, 1 slice of sourdough toast, a few fresh strawberries, and a small handful of fresh blueberries. I like to eat scrambled eggs with cheese too. I hardly ever make myself breakfast, but I do enjoy it. I have found that I can think more clearly after I have eaten. My whole body feels differently before and after I eat. I love the way I feel after I have eaten a healthy and good taststing meal or snack. I have been buying myself fresh fruits now that I am not on the keto diet anymore. I started eating parboiled rice again too. Parboiled rice is better for diabetics than "regular" white rice. I don't like brown rice. When compared to parboiled rice, I think it might be even better for me, but I can't get over the taste and the texture. 

    So now when I wake up around midnight and need something to help me sleep, I choose an orange, peach, or grapefruit instead of eating Doritos. I also keep a V8 Splash fruit juice medley by my bedside so if all I need is a little bit of sugar, I can just sip it and go back to sleep.

    I've been working on getting the massive amounts of laundry cleaned and cleaning my bedroom. I have more stuff than I have time to deal with. I bought a ton of different exercising things to help me lose weight that I never took out of the box. I have so little "I feel ok" or "I feel good enough" time to do the things I deeply want to do. 

    I wish I could have expressed that directly to the social workers on my case. I couldn't fully express myself due to the stress they caused by showing up at my home whenever it was convenient for them. 

    I haven't heard from Christinia since our last discussion that ended in, " You were on my 'I would die for you' list before, but now you are not. I would not die for you."That's what she told me. She would die for both her kids, and Caleb, but not me. I'm ok with that actually because I don't want her to die for me. The thing is, she was once again trying to hurt me. I haven't attempted to contact her ever since that conversation. I considered blocking her on Facebook, but I don't want her texting me about it, looking for an argument. I'm walking away because that was not the first time she tried to hurt me with her words. I thought she was my friend, but she has got some real issues that I can't allow into my field. I can't help her. I tried my best. She needs professional help. I pray for her to get her life in order and together. I pray that she is successful in working so she can pay me back what she owes me. She owes me for the destruction of my car that I lent her. It was in accident some months ago and totaled because she allowed her disabled veteran neighbor who was apparently drunk at the time to drive my car and he got into a horrible accident. 

    Well, I see my therapist to work on my issues every 2 weeks. I see her again tomorrow as a matter of fact. I take all my meds as prescribed, and I seek medical assistance as needed. 

    I don't know. She told me I was wasting my life. How is that true? I am doing my best every day. I have plans to write a book of my own. I want to lose weight and learn how to play guitar. I have goals and aspirations of my own. One day I want to be able to write my own songs and sing them on videos that I publish. I am doing my best with both Caleb and Nana in my care, plus Bella and Bubba also in my care. I am heavily disabled and still trying to do what neurotypical able-bodied social workers determine I should be doing and also trying to do what Nana tells me to do that is in line with my personality, beliefs, and education. 

    Anyway, the sun is shining this morning. I am happy that it is because it makes it easier for me to work without the pains that come with gray, rainy days. I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I have light therapy box right here next to me ready to be used because I get so depressed as the seasons change and more time is spent in the dark than in the light.

    It's getting late and I have not yet started prepping the pork butt. I have to get started on my day now. It was good to journal again. I like it when I don't struggle to think things to write.

    Thank you for reading! Have a blessed day! Keep us in your prayers! Much love!

The latest

     We are safe in my home! We had some trouble with PTS #8, but were saved from Hurricane Helene. I tried to reach all my friends and family, but some are not cooperative. My heart is heavy for they will not let me know whether they are safe are not. I reached out to my brother, Mathew, but got no response. I reached out to my sister-in-law, Nichole and got a hate-filled response back. I did not even try to reach my half-brother, Eric, nor my half-sister, Sherri. I miss Mathew so much. I did a Google search for him to see if I could find his new address to know whether he was in danger or not, and the first thing that posted was something I never wished on him. My heart is heavy knowing that he is struggling. 

    I know I am different. I count that as a blessing. I don't approve of Trump at all. My other family members do. All I can do is shake my head because they can't see what's wrong with Trump. They are completely blind to what is right in front of them. It's sad because I have a big family, but most of my family members want nothing to do with me at all. They won't even tell me that they are ok.

    I hate Trump and I can't be myself safely around his supporters. This is the story of many groups of people. 

    In other news, I am still praying that my VA disability claims are approved for maximum ratings and that I get approved for VA Aid& Attendance. 

    Mallory is looking to close the DSS case. The dumpster was picked up sometime yesterday morning.

    Caleb has been attending school remotely because of the damages done to the roads and bridges by PTS #8.

    I'm not straining myself to stay connected to Christinia. She says she loves me and then hurts me on purpose because she can't get her way. I helped her more than I have ever helped anyone else in my life. I paid for her groceries to be delivered to her home when I had no extra money to spare. I sacrificed myself to provide for her and her daughter, but she treats me like it never happened or doesn't matter. I'm walking away from it. I can't help her like I hoped I could. She will remain in my prayers though.

    I'm still struggling to buy my own needs. I need to get my business operational. The focus has been on these storms lately and their impacts. 

    I am still without air conditioning in my van. I still need to pay to have my plumbing fixed for good. I have a flood insurance policy due soon that I don't know how I will be able to cover. I haven't been able to pay my credit card bills all year long, and my credit score has suffered. I struggle to pay for groceries all month long. I'm addicted to vaping because of the stress I am under.  

    I went to meet some American Legion members last Wednesday to see if I could get some help. They are going to come by the house at some point. 

    I am struggling to take care of myself. I haven't even done my morning routines today other than taking my medications and giving Caleb his medications. My hair is a mess, and I haven't washed up to start the day. I'm struggling to get my work done around the house. I've got so little energy and I'm constantly tired, exhausted, and needing peace and rest. 

    I am just trying to download my thoughts so I can move on with my day. It is not helpful to have all this grief caused by friends and family and all these arguments going on in my head. 

    I have to figure out what to do for dinner. I just got paid, and already have no money left after paying the mortgage and the Spectrum bills and going to Walmart.

    I am grateful for my real friends. My true friends support me and love me as I am.

    I guess it is Bella's birthday month this month. She turns 10 I think.

    I don't know what to eat for lunch.

    I struggled with my printer most of the afternoon on Sunday. It was on but listed as "offline." It took a lot to get it back to functioning so I could print what I needed to print. 

    Thank God for Nana. She is always available to talk to me. I miss my dad. She does too.

    I am grateful for what I have going for me, and ask God humbly to continue to protect me as I move forward. I pray for obstacles to my success to be removed. That my health be restored. That my son keeps safe, and my dogs stay healthy.

    I miss my dad's jokes all the time. I know he watching out for me now. 

    I have to get moving on taking care of my needs.

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day! Much love!

        

This week

     It is now 0628. I just got Caleb on the bus and walked home. It has been a busy week. Thank God it's Friday! Monday came too soon. I had an appointment in Wilmington on Monday morning for my VA disability claim exam. I made it there on time, and the appointment was not stressful, although the doctor did hurt me. He pressed on my lower back and I jumped forward because it hurt. I felt safe with him though. I came home and was so tired of all that driving. It takes me an hour to get to Wilmington, and an hour to get back. Doing that driving without air conditioning in the Mazda sucks! I am heat sensitive and heat intolerant due to my chronic health conditions and prior heat exhaustion. 

    Tuesday I had another appointment in the morning. This time it was in Southport at the hospital. I had to have a follow-up mammogram done. I arrived a little late because there was an accident en route. The imaging that the doctor required took all morning. I was exhausted afterward. Carla met me in the hospital parking lot to see me and bring me a hot coffee. I was so thankful. It made driving home safer for me. 

    The cysts that are located behind my left nipple are not increasing in size. Thank God! I am due for another follow-up mammogram in 6 months.

    The rest of my week is kind of a blur. I don't really remember things well anymore. I know that Katelyn came by to do discharge paperwork from the family therapy she was providing. Mallory came by last night to do what I hope is our discharge paperwork from Social Services. She wants to close the case and had to update our paperwork in order to move things along. 

    One night Carla and Tyrone came over and gutted Caleb's room of all the trash he hoarded in there for us. I was so thankful. I had started picking up the trash in there, but I couldn't finish the job because I ended up hurting my back. 

    Wednesday was 9/11. I felt the heaviness of it all day. I'm sensitive. I remember exactly where I was when I first turned on the tv and the news was on that day. I was a student at UNC-Greensboro in my freshman year. It was my first semester and I was living on campus in the freshman dorm. I remember being in my dorm between my classes, turning the tv on and wondering why the news was on. I watched what was showing and couldn't believe it was really happening. I wanted to call my family and check that were ok, but the phone lines were busy and I couldn't call out. My heart beat was racing and I was scared. I didn't know what to do. How could this happen?

    Thursday was my dad's birthday. I spent the night before going through old photos on my phone and sharing them with Caleb and Nana. Thursday morning I spent time going through the photos on my dad's memorial webpage. I miss him a lot. 

    I struggled a lot on Wednesday. I could not force myself to make dinner, so we went and bought rotisserie chickens and sides from Lowe's Foods. I thought I could make jambalaya that day. It required that I clean the kitchen first. I had gone to Walmart I think and bought some ingredients for the meal. I was really hoping to make it that day, but I was too exhausted. 

    I went to Walmart originally because I needed a yeast infection remedy. I bought the Monistat 1 thinking that was the best choice for me. It wasn't. I needed the Monistat 7. The itching and the burning were so bad that I couldn't get a good night's sleep! I just wanted to tear my hair out.

    I ended up needing to go to Food Lion on Thursday because I just couldn't stand what I was feeling. It was taking over me. I couldn't get comfortable at all. I was sweating even in the air conditioning. I ended up buying a vinegar douche and a 7 day yeast infection treatment. I couldn't wait to get home and use the douche. It helped a lot. I need to remember that in the future. I figured out what caused the yeast infection. It was wearing a pair of shorts that don't breathe over a few days after sweating in them nearly every day. I have to remember not to do that again.

    I didn't manage to clean the kitchen yesterday like I planned. Nana was having digestive issues. I didn't want to make the jambalaya if she wouldn't be able to eat it. We had frozen pizzas I bought on sale instead. I was able to load the dishwasher after pre-cleaning those dishes and hand washing the majority of other dishes, but not all of them. I ran out of space in the dish strainer, so I had to stop washing dishes before I was completely done.

    I am still having diarrhea. It's weird because I am normally constipated with my IBS. I has been about 2 weeks now. 

    Caleb went to school all week. I am happy about that. He seems to be enjoying school, and I couldn't be happier for him. While he is at school, I take care of Bubba and Bella. They have been taking naps with me together in my bed nearly every day. They love to cuddle and be close.

    The other day Bubba jumped the fence every time I let him outside with Bella. Normally when he is outside with Bella he stays in the back yard. He didn't run off after jumping the fence, thank God. I found him near the fence just sniffing around. There is no way I can chase Bubba. He is way too fast for my old and disabled body. 

    We have the dumpster until the 19th. I need to re-organize the shed while we have it. I hope it doesn't rain this weekend so Caleb and I can clear the back yard of trash along with the shed. I still need to vacuum the carpets inside and steam clean them. I don't know what I will do today. I haven't met up with Nana just yet. 

    I have come to the conclusion that I cannot "help" Christinia any more. I was trying to make sure she and Harlee had food to eat and wiFi, but I can't afford to pay her bills. I am struggling to pay my own bills right now, and struggling to buy groceries. I shouldn't be helping someone who treats me like I'm expendable anyway. It's bad for my health to even be involved. 

    I am supposed to meet up with Carla for lunch today. I don't know where we are going to eat yet. I let her know that I did not have money to eat out, and she offered to pay for me. Nana wrote me a check yesterday, and I was hoping to repay her kindness for cleaning Caleb's room by buying her lunch. 

    I have been praying a lot lately. I pray before I fall asleep. I pet Bella as I pray. 

    I restarted the Angel Energy Healing class. I don't remember what I learned before, and I never completed the class so... The first meditation really helped me feel better. I want to repeat that meditation until I memorize it. I could use it to help others. 

    I haven't picked up the Yoga for Trauma book at all this week. I need to catch up on the reading. Class starts in October if I am not mistaken. I need to get as far as I can before class starts because I always fall behind and never complete the class. 

    The Trump/Harris debate was this week. I didn't watch it. I've seen a lot of memes about what was said though. I can't believe there are Americans who want a 34 count convicted felon as their President. And the things he said! The harm he causes! It's unbelievable! I am voting for Kamala Harris. It's time we had a woman President and I trust her to protect marginalized populations.

    I have to figure out how I am going to be able to pay my bills and buy groceries. I need a budget because I have to save money to get the plumbing fixed, have the pest control done on the house, and get the Mazda fixed. I also need to get Bella back to the vet for some shots, and have Bubba's shots updated. I have to find a way to bring money in. I wanted to write a book, but I am never at my computer during the day when Caleb is not home. I am always running around trying to get groceries or going to appointments. My friend Sheila is going to assist me in publishing my book and selling it on Amazon once it is written. I just have to make the time to write it. i don't even know what I want to write about yet. I'm not an expert on anything but me. I thought I would write about my life but I am unsure.

    I will be unable to buy the kratomade like I wanted to this month. I don't have the funds. I have to pay bills that are past due first before buying anything. Plus Caleb earned a treat by doing the dumpster diving for me on Saturday, so I have to be able to get him that. I'm praying because I don't know how to get out of this loop where I never have enough money around. I am using the Kratomade to reduce my back pain when I intend to work on the house. It can prevent me from feeling the pain for several hours after I take a serving. It helps me get stuff done that Caleb isn't allowed to do. For instance, pet vac-ing the carpets or steam cleaning the carpets. He is not allowed to use the machines because they are expensive and he is not careful. His ADHD prevents him from paying attention to detail when he is working. I can't afford to replace those machines, so I don't let him use them. 

    It's been really humid out lately. It's heavy feeling when I go outside. I sweat a lot. I need to take a shower. Maybe that is what I should do today. It drains my energy to take showers, so I limit it to once a week. It would be nice to wear a dress to meet Carla for lunch though.

    I think Nana is up. I have already taken my morning medications. I have to finish my other morning routines for personal hygiene. I don't know what I want to plan to do today. I am just relieved that it is finally Friday. I'm exhausted from everything this week brought. I kind of just want to try to relax. I have not had a good night's sleep since having this yeast infection. I feel like spending the day in bed, but there is so much I need to work on. 

    I will figure it out after talking to Nana and seeing how she is feeling.

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day! Much love!

Dumpster Diving

     It is now 0237. I have only been up for a few minutes. I needed to use the bathroom and get a grapefruit snack. I am just sitting on my chair thinking about the past few days. Friday specifically. 

    Friday morning I woke up at 0330 to use the bathroom and stayed awake. I was having explosive diarrhea due to eating a can of spicy gumbo the night before for dinner. I took a really good selfie later in the morning, but before Caleb woke up. I woke Caleb up after doing my morning routines of taking my medications and supplements and personal hygiene. Caleb got up and was good in the morning. He got on his bus ok. I came back home from the bus stop with no problem. I talked to Nana when I got home. I decided to go to Lowe's Foods that morning after the sun came up. I did some really good shopping of the sales that morning. I saved $41 or so, but I spent around $130. I bought the sourdough bread we love, the fruits Nana requested, and dinner items for the next few days. I came home and unloaded the van right away and put away the groceries right away. I made Nana breakfast after that. I don't remember exactly what came next. I think I got the laundry going. I wanted to clean the hallway bathroom so when the volunteers came later in the day they would have a clean bathroom to use. I never made it to doing that. I wanted to clean up a bit, but after getting up so early, and staying up, I needed a nap. I took a nap. I was still having explosive diarrhea. When I got up, I was not feeling the best. I text messaged Mallory, the social worker, that I was not feeling well due to diarrhea and having back pain. She responded like it did not matter that I did not feel well, they were coming over regardless. The volunteers were not scheduled to arrive until 2pm, but they arrived at 1pm without my permission. I was tired and not ready to work.

    Mallory, her supervisor, and a church volunteer arrived around 1pm to help me clean out my trash. Mallory's supervisor and the church volunteer began working on the porch where I had a lot of boxes to be put into the dumpster. Mallory and I began cleaning the living room space. We finally got the water bottles put where I wanted them: in a storage container, alongside the incline trainer. The other drinks were put along the incline trainer in a storage container also, next to the water container. I was able to shop vac the floor before Mallory moved the storage containers where I wanted them. I got to the point where I needed a break. I was sweating heavily, and needed to have a seat and cool down. I told Mallory I had reached my breaking point, and that normally when I am sweating so heavily, it's a sign I need to stop. My back was already in pain when everyone had arrived. I was already tired when everyone arrived too. 

    I sat down and had some Gatorade Zero. I had to turn the window unit a/c off in order to run the shop vac. The front door was left open to be able to communicate with the women working on the porch. I began feeling tingling sensations throughout my entire body. It did not occur to me that I should check my glucose reading. They women had arrived before I had a chance to go to Food Lion like I wanted, and before I could eat lunch. I totally forgot that I did not eat lunch. I began feeling worse and worse. I was telling Mallory what was happening as it was happening. I felt like I might have a seizure coming on. Mallory's supervisor and the church volunteer finished working on the porch and both moved inside to help clean up. They both began working on the kitchen area. I got to the point where I did not feel safe sitting in my chair and had to ask the volunteers to leave so I could go lie down. I felt safer being in bed. They left sooner than expected because the original scheduled time was from 2pm-5pm. I think it was around 3:30pm or so when I had to ask them to leave. I was not feeling well at all. 

    I went to lie down in bed, and was text messaging Nana how I was feeling. I began feeling better about 30 minutes after going to rest. I got up only to find that I could not find my fresh fruit I had just bought that morning. I did not feel like cooking, but I made 2 family size lasagnas that I bought that morning for dinner.  I went to bed early.

    Saturday morning came. I woke up a little bit before my 7am alarm went off. I was feeling ok. I was mad that the volunteers had thrown away my brand new food. They threw away a brand new pineapple, fresh peaches, a new bag of grapefruit, and fresh tomatoes. I thought they also had thrown away cans of food too that were in front of the pantry, but I found where they put them.

    Caleb and I went to Food Lion after we took our meds and I took a nap. I bought the things I meant to buy Friday afternoon, but couldn't because the volunteers came over too early. Along the way to food Lion, we passed some highschool band students who were washing cars to raise money to go to Florida. I rolled down the passenger side window and yelled, "You are going to make it!" to the girls holding the signs up. We got to food Lion and there was a table where 3 guys were raising money to fight Veteran homelessness by selling military hats. I told one guy that I am a veteran too, and that if I had more money, I would donate.

    Caleb and I walked in the Food Lion and got what we could find off the shopping list. I checked out and we walked to the Mazda before I realized I had forgotten to buy the green beans I wanted to make with dinner. There were other things we needed, but could not find at Food Lion, so we drove to Walmart. Along the way, I stopped to put gas in the van. We made it to Walmart ok. We went in and bought Caleb's sewing kit he needed to hem his dress uniform pants. As we were walking to the food section, Carla found us! She was on lunch break. I was happy to see her. We talked for a minutes and then Caleb and I went back to shopping. Walmart is reorganizing the store, so I had to pay attention to where things were now located. We found what we needed and then went to check out. We checked out, and then drove home. 

    After Caleb brought the groceries inside and put the groceries away for me, we went dumpster diving in the dumpster in our front yard to find what was wrongly thrown away. Caleb was looking for his flash drives that he could not find. I was looking for the food that was thrown away. I decided it was important to video us taking apart everything in the dumpster, so I took the video of Caleb going through every trash bag and box the volunteers put in the dumpster the day before. It rained overnight, so there was water in the dumpster.

    Caleb and went through every little thing in the dumpster and found our fresh fruits, canned food, dishes, brand new dog crate still in the box, weed eater, weed eater rechargable batteries and charging stations, bed frame, porch table, tools, thermometer, thermometer coverings, Caleb's razor, family photos, and reusable grocery bags.

    While I appreciate the help I received, I was not happy to find so many things I did not want to throw away, thrown away without having been asked about it first.

    I was tired after that. I made myself a sandwich, took my meds and went to bed after talking with Nana and Caleb for a while. I sent Nana the videos for her to see everything that we found.

    I was planning on posting the videos, but I thought better of the situation as time passed and I calmed down. I want Mallory's supervisor to write me a report to submit to the VA for my disability claims and Aid a& Attendance claim to show that I desperately need help. If she can detail the state of my living conditions, it might make a difference.

    Today is Sunday. It is now 0327. I am somewhat tired now. I just wanted to have documented what happened and what I did as a result. 

    Now, let's think of this. Mallory is telling me she wants to close the case but the house has to be clean first. The case has been open for 9 months, according to her, which is longer than normal. My question is this: Why did it take so long for them to decide to help me clean the house? Why wasn't I offered a cleaning service or volunteer help after the first few weeks, when it was clear that I could not clean the gigantic mess by myself since Caleb was not cooperating? Caleb and I have been in family therapy for some months now. Improvements have been made, but I still have trouble getting Caleb to do things he does not want to do, like cleaning for example. 

    Well, I am ready to go back to bed.

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day! Much love! 

Labor Day weekend

     It is now 0211. I woke up to use the bathroom. Caleb also woke me up. He can't sleep. Yesterday was a busy day. Caleb woke up around 0230 because he was not able to breathe through his nose or sleep. I was up because I was having explosive diarrhea. I got up 2 hours after I went back to bed because of more diarrhea. Caleb wanted to stay home because his throat was hurting and he was congested. He thought he might have strep throat. He told me he threw up in the morning. I kept him home. 

    Nana had to go to her appointment to get her vaccines yesterday morning. I had to take a shower. I managed ok. She made to the van ok. We made it to the appointment and back ok. It wasn't so hot outside. When we came back home, we made frozen pizzas for lunch. I thought I would save time by reapplying for Caleb's Medicaid online instead of trying to call Trillium about why his vaccines were not covered at CVS on Saturday. I did the application online while the pizzas were cooking. I then found a number to call on Caleb's Medicaid card. I called to find out that I should be using Caleb's Trillium card. I called the number I was given from the lady who answered my call to Medicaid. No one answered even though I was waiting for quite some time.

    I decided to look up reasons the Mazda air conditioning might not be working. A video I watched told me to look at the fuse, so I did. I went ahead and recharged the air conditioning with freon. Then I looked at the fuse. I needed to go out to pick up Nana's medications, so I decided to stop by AutoZone too. I went to AutoZone first and bought a new fuse. The air conditioning did not come back on after I replaced it, so I thought maybe the relay needs to be changed. I replaced it, but no change. The guy who sold me the parts told me what might be causing the problem. I had him print out the sheet we were looking at so that I would know what to buy the next time I could afford parts. I only spent about $30 on parts yesterday, but I spent $60 or so on the freon a few days prior. I couldn't afford to replace the next part, which is going to cost about $70.

    I went to CVS after that, and picked up Nana's medication. I updated Caleb's health insurance with CVS too while I was there. We went home after that.

    I tried calling Trillium again, but got no one to answer. I was getting tired. Nana wanted abowl of soup for dinner, so I asked Caleb to wash a bowl and make it for her so I could lie down. He told me he couldn't because he was sick. I told him that he was not sick and he could do it, and to do it. He wanted to argue, and I was already tired. I told him he was losing his phone, computer, and tv. I put my hand to turn the door knob to his room and he smashed my wrist away from the door knob. I ended up calling the police to de-escalate the situation. They came and talked to him. Things calmed down. I forgot to get his phone, computer, and tv while they were here.

    He made Nana her soup, and I went to lie down. I was still trying to find information about why Trillium did not cover Caleb's vaccines at CVS, and why they did not cover his prescription he got from the ER doctor. I was having connectivity issues and I don't know why.

    Labor Day weekend was last weekend. Caleb and I did not get the work done that I was hoping to get done. I was hoping the dumpster would be delivered on Friday, but it was delivered on Monday. Caleb got hit in the groin with a kick ball last week. He was hurting all weekend. Later in the weekend he had some sort of cyst in his mouth pop. I took him to the Emergency room just in case he needed antibiotics. He did not need antibiotics, and while we were there, I had Caleb get seen about his testicles hurting. The doctor prescribed ibuprofen for him to take.

    I think it was Monday that I was trying to make turkey drumsticks and broccoli and cheese for dinner, and made it successfully! We had those with somw sweet potatoes. It turned out good.

    One day I made hamburgers finally. I had been trying to make hambrugers all week long and couldn't due to heat exhaustion.

    Caleb and I watched "Fluppy Dogs" together the other day. It's a Disney movie from my childhood.

    Caleb washed his own laundry. We made sure to take out the trash bin Monday morning. It was nice to have the extra day off. I was struggling with heat exhaustion every day I had to go out, which was every day. 

    I decided to block Christinia after she blocked me again. I'm tired of her bullshit. I don't deserve to be treated the way she treats me.

    Looking to what's coming up... today is already Thursday. Carla is supposed to come over to help ke clean up Caleb's room. Tomorrow a group of volunteers is going to help clean up the trash in the house from 2pm-5pm, and then again on Saturday from 9am-12pm. They will be back next week on Friday and Saturday too. 

    I have not been able to catch up on my Yoga for Trauma reading. I have been struggling too much with heat exhaustion. I need to catch up before classes start again.

    Nana is doing ok so far since her shots. 

    I think I'm going to go ahead and take my morning medications and supplements. 

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day! Much love!