5 Year Journal Day 332

      Today's prompt is "Who have you deleted from your contacts/address book?" No one yet, but I need to! LOL

     Yesterday was a busy day. I woke up at 0700 and began working right away. I began working on getting the forms sent to me by my VA providers through myhealthevet. One of them was a blood pressure worksheet, and the other was for my therapy appointment. I then went to my dad's account and refilled his medications that had refills, and requested refills to be ordered on the medications that did not have refills. I then emailed his provider asking that they overnight his medications that were requested by the ER doctor. I also asked them to schedule a follow up appointment for dad's labs that were requested from the ER doctor.  

     I then began working on updating my Virta spreadsheet that has my glucose, ketone, and weight log. After that, I updated my blood pressure readings on the other spreadsheet. Then I went and updated my bills spreadsheet, as I waited for my 0930 therapy appointment. I updated the balances left on my credit cards, and I am slowly paying down my debts. 

     I had my therapy appointment via video call, and it went well. We did a tapping therapy that left me sleepy. Once the appointment was over, I got an email to review a document regarding the home loan refinance. It was the appraisal! The house was appraised for more than we estimated, and it was such good news that there were no problems listed that needed to be fixed before we can close the loan. 

     I got a call from my mom, and spoke to her on her way home for her lunch hour. I wished her an early Happy birthday. Her birthday is today, St. Patrick's Day. 

     I called my dad, and let him know the good news about the appraisal, and also that my mom called me. He asks me every time I call him, "Did Marie call you today?" He began asking me a question about why did she leave us for Dennis, and I had to tell him that I was not willing to talk about that right now. I told him how I was feeling, that I felt like my sugar was low and I needed to eat. My sugar ended up being 86. I only had snack slice of Colby Jack cheese for breakfast. 

     Christinia made me a plate of leftover boneless pork ribs for lunch. I then went to lay down for a little while and rest. I got a call from Tim Langdon at Veterans United Home Loans, and spoke to him about the changes to my refinance loan. It went well, and I was happy. 

      Around 1400, I got up from bed and gave Caleb his medications. I only had a short while before needing to drive Harlee and Christinia to Harlee's doctor appointment, so I stayed up. Caleb and I sat in the car for an hour while Harlee was having her appointment. We stopped for gas on the way home, and then came home. 

     Around 1700, I asked Christinia, "When is dinner?" and she got mad and walked away talking to herself. It was an honest question. I asked her earlier if minded having steak for dinner, and I thought she would be the one cooking. She left the room saying "Make your own dinner." I did not deserve this kind of treatment. Cooking a steak takes less than 10 minutes on the stove top. I wasn't going to cook for only myself, I never do that. I decided to have ham and Swiss cheese rollups so I could eat quickly, take my night time medications, and go to bed. 

     Earlier we got a call to make the next appointment with the VA caregiver program. I do not know if we should continue with it, if she has a problem being civil about dinner. 

     As I laid down in bed, I began questioning our relationship. She has mentioned getting married to me before, and typed that she loves me, but when I told her, " I love you girl" yesterday, she did not respond. She has a hard time being gentle with Caleb, and I do not know that leaving him with her is the best choice for him, when I die. I am currently trying to get life insurance. I want Caleb to be able to keep this house. I have had alot of repairs made so far. 

      I am no longer interested in marrying anyone. 

      I have enough problems of my own. I do not need more problems to deal with. I am working on myself to make myself better, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I want to be with someone who is doing the same thing, investing in him/herself. 

      Today I have a fasting lab at 0840. I cannot wait until that is over. I am so thirsty for my gatorade. I have 2 appointments back to back in Wilmington in the afternoon, and more labs to be done. I am going to prepare a corned beef brisket before I leave this morning in the crockpot for dinner. Apparently I cannot rely on Christinia to make me dinner. 

     Tomorrow I go back to Wilmington to have the Mazda worked on. That may take a couple of hours, and I am not looking forward to sitting there waiting. Maybe I can bring some books?  

     Caleb completed his pysch eval on Tuesday and we will get the results on March 31. Hopefully the refinance will be complete within a week. I have to do my Reiki practice this morning. I did not do it yesterday morning. I have a budget worked out on how to allocate the money from the cash-out refinance. I am going to continue to work on the house and get the cars fixed. That will reduce my anxiety and worries alot. 

5 Year Journal Day 331

      Today's prompt is "What is your favorite brunch food?" I like the ultimate omelet from Denny's.

     Today is Sunday, and it is 0414. I keep waking up, even though I am now taking Trazadone 50 mg before I go to bed. Yesterday was a busy day, although I did not intend it to be. I got out of bed around 1030. That is late for me. I usually get up when my alarm goes off at 0700. I took Caleb to run errands with me and we made a full loop around town. First we stopped at Amsterdam Life to see if they any replacement coils for my e-cigarette. They did! Then we went to Food Lion to get some Diet Mountain Dews on Sale. I bought other groceries too. The next stop was the gas station to fill the gas tank of the Mazda. From there we went to Walmart to get the rest of what was on our shopping list. After that, we went to Lowes Home Improvement to pick up some supplies to fix the house. Our last stop was CVS to pick up Caleb's medications. 

     When we got home, I knew we still had what we what planned on doing for the day to do. Man, that was alot of running around! 

     After I took a break and had something for lunch, we went to my bedroom to start cleaning up. Christinia and Caleb worked together on my closet ceiling, and I began picking stuff up off the floor, and folding clean laundry. We worked until my back started hurting, and I needed to stop. My room is still a disaster, but it is less of a disaster than it was. I now have my underwear, bras, and socks where they belong in the drawers. Once the paint in the closet is dry, I can hang the rest of my clothes up, and we will have at least 2 empty laundry baskets! 

     It was getting late in the day, and I had to switch gears to make dinner. I started cooking the broccoli I bought earlier from Food Lion, in the oven. I then cooked asparagus and snap peas. Then I cooked a variety of mushrooms including some exotic types like oyster mushrooms and Maitake mushrooms. Last, but not least, I roasted some chicken breasts, and then I was done cooking for the day!

     Apparently my dad had a bad health day. He threw up 14 times, according to Dona Sharon, and was not doing well. I called in the morning and no one answered. I called in the afternoon and Dona Sharon said that my dad was sleeping. She said she sent me some messages, but I never received any messages from her. I found out way late in the day that my dad was not doing well. When I found out the situation I told them he needed to go to the ER, and I was tempted to call an ambulance. I begged my dad to go the ER, and not wait. I got a message around 2030 or so that he had been picked up to go to the hospital. I had already fallen asleep and did not hear the phone ring at all. 

     Friday night was a disaster for Caleb. He threw a fit ... and now I can't even remember what the issue was. Later on he had a hallucination, and I took him to the ER. He was medically cleared, but since there was no psychiatrist on staff, there was not much they could do other than rule out things by labs. Caleb was sent home with instructions to follow up with his psychiatrist. 

     Caleb is undergoing a psychiatric evaluation at the present time. He started the process last week, and will finish testing on Tuesday morning. I will get the results on March 31st. So far, it looks like Caleb has mild to moderate Autism. I will have to report the ER visit when his appointment comes on Tuesday. 

     I reached out for help to my psychiatrist for anxiety and trouble sleeping and she prescribed new medications to help. I am now taking a low dose of Hydroxyzine several times during the day, and it helps me feel less overwhelmed. I am now taking a low dose of Trazadone to help me sleep, and I do not know that it helps much. I still wake up over and over again throughout the night. 

     I do not know if I wrote about my ER visit recently. I went to the ER for chest pain, and a blood pressure reading of 173/122. I was there for several hours. I was given Nitroglycerin tablet, Nitroglycerin patch, and some other stuff too. I had an ekg and labs to rule a heart attack. I had a chest x-ray too. Labs showed no heart attacks. I was able to go home, which is what I wanted, after my blood pressure was in a safe range. I was instructed to follow up with cardiologist. I followed up with the Women's Clinic at the VA in Wilmington, trying to get blood pressure medication right away because my blood pressure rose the next day and was staying high. Ms. Miller wanted me to observe and log my blood pressure readings for 2 weeks before she decided to change my blood pressure medications. I do not know if she referred me to a cardiologist. I will have to follow up with her about that.  

     I was hoping that the anxiety medication would help me reduce my blood pressure, but it seems to have little effect on it. I stopped taking my thermogenic stack, just in case it was causing my blood pressure to be high. It doesn't appear to have any effect that I quit taking it. 

     I am starting week 4 of the Virta keto diet on Monday. The only cheat I had was the cheetos on the way home from the ER that one day, and some on the following day too. I am still trying to get my ketones up. I am unsure if I have lost any weight, because 1) I was on my period week, and 2) the digital scale readings are not consistent. One day I weigh 320 lbs, and the next day I weigh 296 lbs. So, I am unsure. Once I get my blood pressure under control. I will start walking on the incline trainer to earn my 100 mile medal. I figure I can break it up into smaller pieces and walk a little multiple times a day to walk at least one mile a day. It is a part of the virtual challenge I signed up for, and I am so excited to have a motivating reason to walk!

     We had planned on going to the St. Patrick's Day parade, but all of us slept in, and were so tired yesterday. It rained on and off, and the weather was just not right to be outside for a parade. 

     This coming up week is going to be busy. I need to rest today, and work on my room at the same time. Monday morning the VA appraiser is coming to appraise the house. Tuesday morning, Caleb has his psych eval appointment. I then have an appointment that has to be with Christinia, by phone, with the VA for 2 hours. Later in the afternoon, I have my regularly scheduled appointment with Michal for the Ignite Your Light program. On Wednesday morning, I have therapy on a video call with Mr. Dillon from the VA, and later in the afternoon Harlee has a pediatric appointment in the office. On Thursday, I have to go to Leland for labs for the endocrinologist office, and later in the afternoon I have 2 appointments back to back at the VA. One is for occupational therapy, and the other is for speech therapy/memory loss. I also have to remember to show up early enough to have my labs taken at the VA. I need a full bladder! On Friday I am taking the Mazda to the dealership to have the drive belts replaced. Sooo.... yeah, busy, busy, busy! That's not including the regular activities like Caleb's 3 times a week in-home-intensive therapy. 

     I don't know if I wrote about Pride Restoration coming over and doing an estimate on the cost of fixing my closet mold issue. We thought it might be the water pipes I had put in a few years ago, but it wasn't. The roof is leaking into my closet! Oh man! So glad to have won a FREE ROOF! I can't wait for them to replace my roof now.  Christinia put some Killz on the mold for now, as that's all we can do for the time being. Monarch Roofing will come over and put a tarp to cover it soon, because they are scheduled a few weeks out and can not replace the roof right away.

     Chrisitinia and I are attempting to prepare for the worst. If I die, what do I want to happen? I need a will and some other documents. I am attempting to get life insurance, but most companies do not want to cover me because of my medical history, so finding one that will accept me is hard. She has mentioned getting married for the sake of our kids. 

     Jonathan Rivera is now up for the child support case. Nigel Johnson, my ex-husband, has been cleared and is not Caleb's father. We knew that to begin with but because I was legally still married to him when Caleb was conceived and born, he had to be ruled out first. Rivera has to be ruled out because he signed the birth certificate. He is scheduled to take the DNA test on March 21, and the test results won't be back in time for the court hearing in April, so the hearing will be continued until the beginning of May. Once Rivera is proven to not be Caleb's father, the suspected father will be searched for and notified to take the DNA test. Jamie McCurry is the suspected father. We already know Rivera is not the father because we took a DNA test many years ago in a private lab. We suspect Jamie McCurry because he served in Korea during the time I did and is genetically related to Caleb as shown by Ancestry.com. He has so far denied knowing me, and refuses to take a even an Ancestry.com test to rule him out as Caleb's father. Once he is proven to be his father, I am pressing charges with CID. 

     We are working on getting Caregiver Assistance through the VA for me. We are still working on getting medical records to VA about Christinia's VA claim. My dad is using a lawyer to file his claims, but so far it doesn't seem to be making a positive impact. He was still denied on multiple claims. He is filing for Aid & Attendance through VA, and was denied. Why? I don't know. He is legally blind and cannot administer his insulin himself, nor his other medications. He cannot drive. It's a mess. Meanwhile, he is living in a cheap motel, waiting for something to change in his favor. It sucks. I don't want him there. I want him in his own home close to where I live. 

     I am not watching the news at all. I am too sensitive. I use my dad as a filter because he watches the news constantly everyday. He tells me what I need to know. The stuff happening in the Ukraine is heart breaking. I pray for the refugees, as that is all that is in my power to do. It weighs heavily on me because I do not want World War 3 to happen, and yet, I sense this is the beginning of it. Mathew may be deployed to support NATO countries. Apparently Eric is no longer serving in the Army, according to my mom. 

     I wish I could contact Mathew. It would really help me process what is going with him regarding this war. I pray for him and his family too. 

     I was doing good on doing my Reiki in the morning up until yesterday. I did not do Reiki at all yesterday. I still had a very good and productive day though. I was tired, and fighting the weather all day long. When it rains, and is dark outside, it really affects me. I will do my formal Reiki practice this morning before Caleb wakes up again. He was awake when I got out of bed. He was drinking one of his Pepsi sodas. 

     We are waiting for the psych test results to submit the completed application to Timer Ridge. The rest of his application has already been submitted. We are just waiting for a psych eval result with IQ testing. Hopefully things will work in Caleb's favor to be admitted and approved by Trillium/Medicaid.  I do not know what I will do for 4-6 months without Caleb when he is accepted and approved. 

     I think Harlee has a TEACH evaluation coming up. TEACH is the organization that evaluates for Autism in North Carolina. She will be starting school in the Fall, and I need to get the application for enrollment for Christinia to fill out. She is worried about how Harlee will do on the bus, and at school, being with strangers and not being able to communicate effectively if something bad happens. I understand her concerns and hope to help ease her worries. 

     Bella is snoring on the couch.

      It is now 0541. Caleb is on restriction for 2 weeks starting Friday night for not going to his bedroom when told to go more than once. Actually, for actively making the decision the to not go to his room after being given the opportunity to decide. He will have no tv, phone, or going to visit Jerry. 

     I have to update my bio markers spreadsheets, so I think I will do that now. Blessed Be~!

5 Year Journal Day 330

      Today's prompt is "What are you trying to do?" I am trying to change the world, with one act of kindness at a time. I am investing in the future by raising my son to do things the right way, to the best of my ability. I am raising my dog to love and be loved at all times. I am spreading love, light, and healing everyday through my Reiki practice, prayers, and meditation. I am doing my best at investing in my own health and wellness by getting back on track with the Virta program to reverse my diabetes, continuing the Ignite Your Light program with Michal, and continuing the Reiki training with Michal to become a Reiki Master. I am going to learn more about crystals and their healing powers. I already have my own collection, but I don't remember as much as I would like to. I am currently going to therapy to help heal some inner wounds, but I am also working with Michal, at my own expense, to do the same thing with different methods.  

     I would like to one day write a book and have it published. 

     I am also trying to fix my house. It was built in 1986, and was not in good condition when I bought it. I have not had the money to do what is needed to repair things as they break, but I recently qualified for a personal loan, and am using that to do get as much done as I can. So far I have had an electrician bring the wire running from the circuit breaker to the outside outlet to code, repaired the lights in the laundry room and hallway, had black mold removed from under the kitchen sink, had the refrigerator replaced, had the brush, bushes and trees removed from around the house, had the outside of the house repaired, had the outside of the house painted, and had the hallway bathroom ceiling repaired with a new ceiling fan installed. It might not seem like alot, but everything costs so much money to get help to fix things around the house. I am not able to repair things on my own, because I am either ignorant of how to do things, don't have the tools, and/or can't physically do them. 

     It is now 0458 and I have been up for about an hour or so. I could not sleep as I got too warm and was sweating. Yesterday was a busy day for me. I woke up around 0900 or so, and after Caleb and I did our morning routines together, we went to run errands. I knew I needed to go to CVS to pick up his medication, and put gas in the car, so I went ahead and stopped at Walmart first. I did not have many things on my list to buy, but it's always a good place to start since I was heading out that way anyway. So the routine is, Walmart grocery shopping, then stop at gas station, and stop at CVS on the way home. That's what we did. 

     I woke up and was not ready to get up, but it was getting late for me, and both Caleb and I needed to get our meds. After the running around, we came home. I had roast beef sandwich meat and sharp cheddar cheese chunks for a quick lunch. I was trying to hurry home to be there for the delivery of my bidet. It did not come during the scheduled time window. I was tired and needed to rest, so I went to lay down in bed until my next appointment with Monarch Roofing. That was scheduled for 1400. I got up at 1350, and flossed my teeth in preparation for being on video. A group of Monarch Roofing employees showed up, and kind of threw me off guard. I thought I would meet with 2 people at most. They brought with them good news. I had won the free roof through their roofs for vets program!

     I was able to choose my roof color and it was so exciting... the whole thing! I was presented with one those big checks for a free roof, and pictures were taken and video was taken. It was awesome!

     Shortly after the team left, the bidet was delivered and installed. It was just the attachable toilet seat, but man, is it nice! VA ordered it for me through the occupational therapy office. I was embarrassed that I had not prepared for it to be installed and my bedroom and my bathroom were disgusting, but the installer did not make me feel badly. I apologized so many times for the conditions he was working in and even tried to lighten the mood by joking with him. 

     After he left, I went to Food Lion to buy some veggies for my salad. I totally forgot about Caleb's therapy appointment at 1600, but I left him home so he could eat the pizza he just made anyway. I got back home after 1630, with the groceries, and felt badly. I bought a family size rotisserie chicken and quickly began eating, figuring my glucose was getting low. My glucose was 104 immediately after I ate half a chicken by myself. I spoke with Hailey, the team lead and one of Caleb;s therapists, about how the past week has been with Caleb. He has not been cooperating to get his schoolwork done, but we also have not been at home everyday either. It can be hard to work on a flexible schedule without routine. I have to manage to do it myself, so I know it is not easy, but it has to be done. 

     After I ate, I was feeling better, and I thought I might be able to clean the kitchen and get some cooking done, but that did not happen. I went to lay down after Hailey left, to rest. I got up to take my medications, but then returned to bed. I was not feeling well. After laying there and having chest pains, I went to check my blood pressure on my machine. My blood pressure was 173/122, very high! I looked it up on google, and that is within stroke range, so I quickly went to to tell Christinia that I needed to go to the emergency room. I was going to go by myself so no one would have to wait for me, but Caleb quickly said, "You are not going alone!" Caleb went to the hospital with me and endured the waiting for several hours. After an Ekg , chest x-ray, and labs, it was found that I did not have a heart attack, but did have fluid in my lungs. The doctor wanted me to stay for observation overnight, but it was so hot there, and I was too uncomfortable. I asked if I could be discharged after the second set of labs, pending no problems, because there was no one to take Caleb home. I could not wait to be in my own bed, with the air conditioning blasting ! I was sweating and so uncomfortable in that bed at the ER. I was discharged and we got home around 2330. I gave Caleb his medications and said goodnight to everybody and went to bed.

     Last weekend we went to Lumberton to try to pick up the Volvo from my dad. We left on Saturday and returned on Sunday. We didn't bring the Volvo home because we could not get it started, even with a new battery. Something electrical is wrong with it, and it needs to be sent to the dealership to have it correctly fixed. I am still working on finding a way to make that happen, because I have little money right now. It will just have to wait. Anyway, it was good to see my dad. Christinia took some photos of Caleb, my dad, and me together that came really good. I was supposed to pick up a bike that my dad found too, but there was no room in the Mazda to put it. After all the Mazda is a compact mini van, and already held 4 people plus a dog and our luggage. It was fully packed in there. I was going to disassemble the wheels from the bike and put it in the back seat of the Volvo to bring it home, but since we did not fix the Volvo and bring it home, I just left the bike. I should have disassembled it and put it in the back seat of the Volvo to get it out my dad's motel room. Thay have such little space in their room, and the bike is in the way of them walking out the door. 

     On Saturday we went to eat Mexican food for dinner. I had the 3 meat fajitas with queso. It was delicious. It was Christinia's treat for everybody, and she picked up the tab. On Sunday, we went to Denny's for breakfast. It was a long night in between, where no one was able to sleep. I could not get my CPAP to work correctly because the mask needed replacing. It was so loud from the air escaping, that eventually I gave up and turned it off. I could not sleep with it, and had a hard time sleeping without it. Christinia could not sleep either. The beds are so uncomfortable. You can feel the coils in the mattresses. Not only that, but as soon as Christinia laid down, and moved the top "blanket", she found a mouse dropping in the sheet, and a roach crawled out from under the sheet. Harlee was rolling around on the bed she shared with Christinia, and kept her from a good night's sleep. Caleb did not keep me from sleeping. My sleep apnea, and the mattress did that. My back was hurting and I could not get comfortable. I could not wait to get back home.

     Today is Tuesday. I still have to clean the kitchen and do my meal prep. It is looking more and more like that won't happen this week, and I may just have to do a little at a time, rather than doing everything in one day. I have 2 appointments today. One appointment is at the Wilmington VA clinic for speech therapy. Speech therapy is the gatekeeper to getting help for my memory problems, and they will do an evaluation once I get there. I may have a traumatic brain injury, I don't know. The second appointment is a video call with Michal. She is helping me heal my inner wounds in order to be a more effective Reiki practitioner. 

     Tomorrow, I have a video call with the VA therapist in the morning, and Christinia has a dental appointment for her tooth pain in the afternoon in Wilmington. Stacy is going to come by on Wednesday too to help me with a probable leak in the attic.

     I scheduled the VA appraisal yesterday for this coming up Monday morning. I need to get my room and bathroom cleaned up. I need Caleb to clean his room too. There is just so much work to be done around here, it is not even funny. I can't wait for the work to be done so I don't have to worry about it anymore.  

     I am cooled off now. I'm not sleepy, but I think I might go lay down and rest anyway. I have to try to get alot done today. It is now 0600. 

5 Year Journal Day 329

      Today's prompt is " What are your favorite shoes?" My favorite shoes are my diabetic shoes with my custom insoles and lift. It's what I wear everyday.

     Yesterday was a pretty good day. I woke up around 7 something. I took my meds, and ate a small breakfast of leftovers of my meal prep foods. I gave Caleb his meds. I did my Reiki practice. I started to clear a path in my bedroom since the floor is cluttered with stuff. I was trying to get Caleb to clean up his room too, but he ended up helping me with my room. I had a small lunch of ham and cheese. I roasted potatoes for Caleb. Raven came earlier and finished the paint job on the outside of the house. I washed a few dishes and cleaned off the stove top and counter. I prepped some veggies to roast later.

      I had an appointment with VA VR&E for independent living track. It required a virtual home tour, which is why I was trying to clean my room and bathroom in the morning. We are putting in a packet for changes to make to the house to help me do things on my own. One of the things will be an accessible shower. Another thing will be an ADA toilet. Hopefully they get approved. 

     Caleb had therapy in the afternoon. I ended up filling out some paperwork needed to get him into Timber Ridge. 

     I started making a salad and realized that some of my veggies went bad before I could use them. I went to Food Lion to replace the veggies, and while leaving was stopped and was asked if I left my bags in the cart a few days ago. I couldn't remember the last time I went to Food Lion, so I did not know. I went to see the bags, and Yes! They were mine! I came home and finished making a huge leafy green salad. It was awesome! 

     Romaine lettuce, green leaf lettuce, red leaf lettuce, cucumbers, red onions, feta stuffed olives, roasted red peppers, shredded cheddar cheese, pepperocini peppers, tri-color bell peppers. sliced white mushrooms, and a new sugar-free balsamic vinaigrette! Yummy!

     I finally got a call from Monarch Roofing. We scheduled an appointment for them to come out.

     Today is Saturday and it is now 0455. I am going to visit my dad today, and pick up the Volvo. I don't know why I am up so early. It was about 0415 when I got out of bed. I just couldn't sleep anymore. I could stay in bed all day though. 

     I am looking forward to being able to schedule the VA appraisal next week and get this refinancing business back on track and over with. 

     I am having a bidet delivered from the VA on Monday and the appointment with Monarch Roofing. On Tuesday I go to the VA clinic for speech therapy to examine my memory problems. Later on I have a video call with Michal for Ignite Your Light program. On Wednesday I have a VA therapy video call, and later in the day is Christinia's dental appointment. Thursday Caleb begins his psychological evaluation appointments. Friday is clear so far. Caleb's therapy appointments get scheduled during the day on Monday, and those are 3 times a week. Caleb has also been referred to a podiatrist about his toe nail fungus, so I have to make that appointment. That's alot of stuff going on during next week!

     I recently bought some meditations from TealSwan that I would like to incorporate into my days. I have also purchased a 30 day program for empaths that I want to start. I signed up for my first virtual challenge. The challenge is to walk, run, swim, canoe, kayak, skate, or anything else... for 100 miles. I am going to walk of course. I will get a medal for completing the challenge. I have not started yet, but I will soon. 

     I fought myself about buying more crystals, and in the end I choose to buy them. I have crystals everywhere in my house. I like how I feel around them, and could not resist the sale that was going on for limited quantity items. At the same time, I am trying to not spend money, and get out of debt as quickly as possible. It's a hard road to travel. Right now my expenses are greater than my income. I am looking for ways to change that. As the temperatures get warmer, the electric bill will get higher and so I am trying to prepare for that too. 

     I had trouble with Caleb last week. I could not get him to do his school work. He just was not willing to cooperate and wanted to argue and get mad. Knowing that the VA appraiser is going to be taking pictures of the house, I wanted him to then clean his room in preparation for that. He went to his room, but it's nowhere near clean. I don't know what to do with this kid some days. It feels impossible to get him to see that education is important and you have to do it... that cleaning your room and keeping it clean is important too. I don't know what it is about teenage boys, but I know this is a common problem I am facing. I try to tell him that we are on the same team and need to work together. He agrees and says he understands, but when it comes to things he does not want to do, well... that's a different story. I am getting less arguments when it comes to taking the trash and recycling out, and when it comes to unloading the dishwasher and/or dish strainer, so that's a good thing. He wants to go the neighbor's house, Jerry's, all the time, but doesn't understand that we have to get our work done before we can play. Sometimes I just have to give up because I have my own work to get done that the household relies on. My dad says I am too soft and I should "put the fear of God in him." I can't follow his advice, because I haven't forgotten that he choked a 10 year old Caleb on 2 separate occasions leading him to be forcibly removed from my house due to social services being contacted and getting involved. I'm not going to be violent in my approach. I'm better than that, and it doesn't take violence to be a good parent. Going to Timber Ridge will help Caleb with his O.D.D. and ADHD.

     I have been back on the Virta Keto Diet since Feb 21, 2022. I am standing strong in my convictions and motivation to make this a lifestyle in the most economic and stress-free way possible. I have been doing meal prep at the beginning of the week, where I spend several hours cooking my meals for the weel ahead. It is worth it to have my foods readily available, and not have to cook a meal every time I need to eat, which is 3 times a day. Not only is that alot of dirty dishes, and cleaning up, but it's not efficient. Meal prepping has been the answer to keeping on track so far. I am not seeing weight loss yet, but I am about to start my period and think I am likely retaining water. I have been in nutritional ketosis every day this week so far. I am feeling better about my choices every time I follow through with the plan I set for myself. I have not cheated once since starting, by eating non-Virta-friendly foods.

     I have been trying to ground myself in Reiki every morning, and before I fall asleep. I am a Level 2 practitioner now, and will be starting the Master program in May, and graduate in August. I am scheduled to take a Reiki refresher course coming up on a Sunday soon. I like working with the women from Michal's organization, Beacons of Change. Recently on one of my one-on-one video calls with Michal, she suggested that I try Qi-Gong with my Reiki practice, since I mentioned to her that I was looking for a gentle yoga practice to increase my mobility and flexibility. I have not tried it yet, but need to schedule some time to do that.   

     I helped Christinia complete her statistics class. It's finally over! Man what a headache! As much as I could use the extra money from the remainder of my GI bill, I know I can not go back to school. I just can't do it right now, or anytime soon. It requires alot of concentration and scheduling would not be fun considering everything I already have to do. Now, Christinia is on her second "semester" (8 weeks) of classes, and she does not need my help for those classes. 

     Harlee has an appointment soon with TEACH to evaluate her for Autism. I remember when I was having Caleb evaluated at that age or so. I had so many appointments to get him evaluated by so many professionals it was ridiculous. He ended up in speech therapy, occupational therapy, and eventually in special education, talk therapy, and psychiatry. Now Caleb is going to get another psychological evaluation because it is required by Timber Ridge, but also because we need to know if he is bipolar or what is going on in his head exactly. He doesn't like talking in therapy about the things that he needs to be talking about. He avoids conversations about the things that trigger him and bother him, and how he feels about things. 

     Last week I took Caleb to the emergency room because his right big toe was hurting him so much he was bawling and moaning. After a few hours of waiting, we left with a new prescription and a referral to the podiatrist. When I got home, it occurred to me to try something. I made a foot soak of hot water and apple cider vinegar for him to put his feet, but especially his toes in. Guess what? It helped! I made a second foot soak for him the following day to follow up. The color of his toe nails changed from to dark almost black looking, to more gray , almost white looking. I think we may have killed the fungus. I am still going to use the medication prescribed, and call the podiatrist for an appointment. Caleb needs helps safely cutting his toe nails as they are growing curved into his toes now. They are not piercing the skin, but if left, probably will. 

     I am still trying to get Christinia's medical records to the VA so they can continue her claim with them rather than without them. We found out that her doctor's office did not have release form from her to be able to give the VA a copy of her records directly when they requested them. They never contacted her about that. She had to find out what the problem was when she got a letter from the VA stating they were unable to retrieve her records from the office, twice! 

     I am trying to get Christinia to get seen by a doctor for her digestive issues. She hates doctors and so it is not easy to persuade her to make an appointment and go get evaluated. 

     It is now 0600 and the birds outside are singing. 

     Raven did such a good job on the paint outside the house. I am so happy that is finally done. It looks like a new house! I gave her a gift bag to show my appreciation. I collected excess items around the house that I have collected and need to purge , and were new, and gifted them to her. She really liked it, as it was alot of witchy stuff like sage, a candle, incense, rose water... that type of stuff. We are going to stay in contact with eachother. We are both single moms. She has a 15 year old and an 8 year old, if I am not mistaken. I asked her if we could get the kids together sometime. I think they would have fun together at the beach or something like that. 

     Travis text messaged me the other day with an update. He is still homeless and looking for a place to live that he can afford. I guess he is still living out of his truck or a motel in Whiteville. He is 100% disabled by the VA. The only reason he "can't find a place to live" is because he does not want to spend the money it takes to rent a place or buy a place. He has prioritized his bills and debts over a place to live. I think this is really stupid, and I told him so. A safe place to live is a necessity, not a want. I don't understand his decision-making and I get frustrated by him so I don't have long conversations with him. I wish I could help him, but he doesn't listen to me. He is hard-headed. All I can do is pray about it. 

     I reorganized the pantry the other day, and took out the foods that no one here will eat (I'm assuming since the foods have been here all this time and they have not been eaten yet). I have to check the expiration dates on the them, but I am intending to hand bags out to the homeless in Wilmington. They are everywhere in Wilmington. Alot of people with signs at the street intersections asking for help. I don't have much to give, as I am a stone's throw from being homeless myself, but I am willing to give them our excess. I usually hand them a can of soda from my stash in the car as I drive by. It's a small act of kindness. Who knows how long they have been standing there?

     I went to the orthotics and prothestics appointment last week too to order my custom insoles and lift. When the person I had the appointment with checked my right shoe, there was no lift in there! I had no idea! No wonder my back pain is back everyday! When I came home, I found a new pair of my diabetic shoes, custom insoles, and lift, and exchanged them for the old, tread-less, pair I had been wearing for God only knows how long. My feet are happier, and I experience less pain throughout the day. 

     I had my appointment with a therapist last week too. It was my first appointment with Mr.Dillon, and was by video call. I told him all about how Ms. Miller made me feel back in January, and how I pursued a change of provider through the patient advocate. I still have not heard anything about that, and I wonder what exactly is going on. How much time and effort does it take to schedule me a new female provider? It shouldn't take but a minute. Now, I know they are going to do some investigating as to why I want to change my provider, but that shouldn't stop them for changing my provider in the meantime.  

     I had my diabetic medication changed on Thursday. Instead of taking 10 mg Glipizide in the morning, and 5 mg Glipizide at night, I will now be only taking 5 mg Glipizide in the morning and 5 mg Glipizide at night. It's a small but motivating start. I still have to take 2000 mg Metformin at night, and 1.8 Victoza shot in the morning too. I can't wait to be able to stop these medications.  I can't wait to be able to see my toes when I stand up. I am so ready to get rid of this huge belly of mine. It's time for it to go! I will likely start my walking on Monday morning. I am going out of town today, and will be back tomorrow, so I am not ready to start just yet. 

     My dad likely is going to have to exchange the battery in the Volvo for a new one. I am sure he let it drain by not driving it, and it can not be recharged. I think we will go to the Mexican restaurant while we are there too. 

     Caleb just woke up. It's now 0637. I guess I should start getting my morning routines done. We have to leave by 1130, and I have not showered nor packed yet. 

 

     

     

     

     

5 Year Journal Day 328

      Today's prompt is "What do you have to get done?" Today I need to clean the kitchen, clean my room, and my bathroom. I also need to Clean the carpet flooring in the hallway and Caleb's room. I don't think I can get all that done in one day, but I can get started. I also have to pay the bills.

     Yesterday was a good day, considering the weather was gloomy, and I fought to stay out of bed. I spent the morning doing my routine. I woke up at 0656, just 4 minutes before my alarm goes off. I checked my glucose, and my weight. I took my morning medications and gave Caleb his. I had a small meal to help digest my medications. I did my Reiki formal practice. Then I started to clean up the kitchen. I loaded the dishwasher, after pre-washing the dishes. I hand washed a bunch of stuff that takes too much room in the dishwasher. I had 3 hard boiled eggs for lunch. I went with Caleb to Food Lion and did some grocery shopping so I would be able to meal prep for the week. Our meats are frozen and need to thaw, so I needed fresh meats to cook right away. I also bought a few vegetables to cook. When I got home I cooked cubed steak for everyone first. It waws thin, so it did not take long. I then mixed ground pork 80/20 with the ground chuck 80/20 and made hamburger patties with them. I cooked them up and sliced the chicken breast I bought into nugget size to cook in the oven. When I was done with the burgers, I made more burgers. This time it was of ground turkey. When the chicken breast was done, I cut up broccoli, cauliflower, and brussel sprouts to roast in the oven. When the turkey patties were cooked, I then cooked pork ribeye chops. That sums up my afternoon. I spent about 3.5 hours from going to the grocery store and completing all the cooking. I reused pans in my cooking, which cuts down on the cleaning I have to do. It makes a big difference to me to 1) have cooked food available when I am hungry, 2) to not have to cook every time I am, or someone else is hungry, 3) to not have to wash dishes everyday due to cooking everyday. It's not as hard as I thought it would be, and is less frustrating through the week , especially when I have days that I can't cook for one reason or another, but don't want to go out or order in.  

     I was planning on going to my dad's this weekend, but I didn't make it. I need to go pick up my car, and my dad has a bike he found for Caleb. Saturday was overcast and gray all day. I was soo tired and sleepy. I spent most of the day in bed. I fought hard to not do that yesterday, and it even rained in the afternoon. 

     I am attempting to only send prayers and Reiki to the world right now. I am having a hard time staying grounded, and not worrying. I worry alot. 

     I bought Delta-8 and THC-O the other day for my pain. I originally went to the store to find something that wouldn't make me high, and came home with CBD tincture. It helped with the chronic pain I have for a few hours, but did not help me sleep. So I went back the next day and got the other two. They help my body and mind reach a relaxed state so I can rest. I don't know what causes my pains in my lower back and pelvis all the time. I attribute it to fibromyalgia, but I am not sure. 

     I should be getting a summary of my biomarkers from last week on the Virta app. I know I am headed in the right direction when it comes to getting my A1c down. I know it will also help me lose weight. I wish I could lose weight faster, but I am not ready to exercise yet. I need to know that I will not make my pains worse by walking on the incline trainer. I need a slow start up plan, where I slowly introduce my body back to slow, intentional, movement. I do not want a fibromyalgia flare up the next day. I do not want an aching back and pelvis at the end of the day. 

     I woke up this morning around 0430. It is now 0531. Today is Monday. Caleb has schoolwork to do today, but I will also need his help on housework. 

     The house painting job being done outside looks good so far, and is almost done, I think. Soon we will be ready to schedule the VA appraisal. 

     I finally took a shower last night. I have been putting it off for some days already. I just get too tired, and just want to rest. Everything hurts when the sun is not out, it's gray outside, and/or raining. 

     I don't know if I wrote about it last time, but Caleb's insurance did not approve his application to go to Carolina Dunes. We found out the day before he was supposed to be admitted. So, having to recover from all that preparation wasn't easy. Hailey, the team lead of the in-home-intensive therapy, has found what looks like a better option for Caleb. It is called Timer Ridge. I hope this plan works out, or at least we find out before going through all the work that it isn't approved. 

     Caleb normally has 3 in-home-intensive appointments a week. One session each with 3 different therapists. It seems to be helping to have other people leading him in the right direction. He has to have a psychological evaluation here soon, as well as an IQ test as a requirement to be accepted to Timber Ridge. 

     I have been waiting for my direct deposit from the VA, and finally got it, so it is time to pay the bills.

5 Year Journal Day 327

      Today's prompt is "When was the last time you checked an online social network?" A few minutes ago.

     It is 0600 on Sunday and I am awake. I just took my medications. The past week was exhausting. We were preparing for Caleb to go to the residential facility. On Friday morning he had to go take a Covid-19 test at Walgreens. The results were said to be ready within 2-3 business days. It was required before he could be admitted. I took Caleb to Jersey Mike's for lunch on Thursday, and we went out to the Chinese buffet on Friday for lunch. Saturday I found out that Caleb's insurance was not approving his admission. He was due to check in on Sunday. We have been working on this for so long, and waiting for so long. I really thought it was the best way to get Caleb the hep he needs. Haley, the team lead of the intensive-in-home therapy, is going to talk with her supervisor and let me know what the options are for the next steps. 

     I am happy to keep Caleb home, because it waws going to be hard on me to be without him for a minimum of four months, but I am worried that he is not going to get the level of help he needs. 

     Saturday I woke up really early and did some work on my papers. I went back to bed after having diarrhea and my back was hurting after that. I stayed in bed until 1100. I decided it was a good day to go get a hair cut, and so I went out without Caleb because he was tired. I got my hair cut, then french braided. I went to Lowe's Foods to get another box of Paczki. This time I got the raspberry filled ones. Last time I got the Bavarian creme filled. I then went to Walmart to pick up Christinia's medications from the pharmacy. When I arrived, it was only a few minutes after they closed for a lunch break. I decided to walk around and shop while I waited for 30 minutes. I ended up restocking the Diet Mountain Dew by buying 12 12 packs. They were discounted. I then went and bought a whole cart full of food. I was by myself. I don't normally shop like that by myself. I wait to have Caleb with me so he can help me unpack the cart to ring up, and repack the cart, and load the car. I did it by myself yesterday. I finished my shopping and arrived back at the pharmacy just as it was opening again. I bought Christinia's medications, and then went to check out my cart full of groceries in the regular check out line this time. I usually go through the self-check out line and I usually have my reusable grocery bags/boxes. I managed to unload the cart to check out. The dews took up the most space.

     By the time I was able to sit in the Mazda, I was thirsty and hungry! I was ready to get home. It was a beautiful day. It was sunny and slightly warm with a cool breeze. I was wearing a spaghetti strap tank top and shorts. Other people were wearing winter clothes. 

     I made it home and Caleb met me outside without even letting him know I was home. He was happy to see me. He and Christinia brought the groceries inside and put them away. While I was away, Caleb walked to the beach by himself, with permission from Christinia. They also worked together to get the laundry room cleaned up and organized. Christinia replaced the dryer vent cover outside for me. 

     I ravaged my leftover pizza, anad chugged my Gatorade zero when I got home. My back was killing me so I went to rest for a while. When I got up, I was hungry again, and had no motivation to do the things that were actually on my list of things to do for the day. I wanted to finish cleaning the kitchen, continue washing the laundry, and help Christinia with her statistics homework. I had no energy left. 

     On Tuesday afternoon is when I have my standing appointments with Michal for Ignite Your Light. Last week my homework was to tell the "gremlin" in my head that he is not the boss of me and I don't have to listen to him, and that I am in charge now. This gremlin is what pushes me to work past my pain threshold and keep working when I am tired and hurting. I recently told Michal that I am trying to live a "normal" lifestyle, even when I am not "normal". My lifestyle needs to be adjusted to fit me as I am, not as I want to be. 

     I had a catfish incident. This guy was trying to make me believe that he loved me after chatting for only 2 days. When he called me, he was obviously lying to me about where he was from and what languages he speaks. English was clearly not his first language. Anyway, I don't have time for people like that so I blocked him. 

     I recently looked through the photos on my phone because I was looking for my Army pictures. I found photos of Mathew, Nichole, and kids. I wonder what they are up to. It's sad that we no longer speak. Even sadder when you consider it was because I like to express myself on this blog, and they couldn't handle that. 

     Reiki Master class begins in May. I have been trying to do Reiki every morning, but I missed it Thursday, and that was the day Haley called me and I missed her call about the insurance not approving Caleb. Thursday was also the day that Monarch Roofing was supposed to come over and take video of me as a finalist in their roof for veterans give-a-away. No one ever showed up, even though we all rushed back home after eating at the Chinese buffet in Wilmington, just to be home for that appointment. 

     Also last week I had the appointment with the VA VR&E program, which is basically the voc rehab program updated. I decided to not pursue the job training part of the program because I might lose my unemployability and SSDI in the process. I can't work a full time job, so I need those programs to be able to afford a living. I am, though, taking advantage of the independent living part of the program. I have another appointment to discuss that further coming up.  

     Michael was working on the external parts of the house that needed repair before the painters could start painting. He finished on Thursday. It looks awesome! He even put the screening up around the porch, and put in a new porch door. I called the painters and they will begin on Monday. It might take about a week or so to paint the house. Then I can make an appointment for the VA appraisal, and continue the refinancing application I started some weeks ago.  

     I took the Mazda to get it's annual inspection and it passed. Thank God. I was able to pay the registration and taxes on it. 

     I still have to get maintenance done on the Mazda. I am behind in that department. 

     I guess today I will work on the things I did not complete yesterday. It is now 0648. My alarm goes off at 0700, and Caleb will be up soon. 

5 Year Journal Day 326

      Today's prompt is " What is your dream job of the day?" I want to be a published author, life coach, and Reiki Master, as well as a Crystal Healer. 

     It is 0536 on Tuesday. Yesterday was Valentine's Day and I spent the day working. I woke up at 0700 because that's when my alarm goes off, but also because I was given a window of 0800-1700 for the stove repairman to come by and fix the stove. I got a message from Michael, the carpenter who is working on my house, pretty early. He is having trouble with the paypal payment I made. We agreed to use a check for the final payment. I paid him early so he would have the money to get the supplies needed to restore the house to good condition on the outside. He is replacing the bad wood so everything will be ready to paint. 

     Michael came by in the morning to pick up his check and got o Lowe's for supplies. He spent all afternoon replacing the wood at the top of the backside of the house. It was alot of hammering and drilling going on. 

     I spent the time cleaning the kitchen, again, and making a homemade keto cabbage soup. I made one pot with tomatoes, and one pot without tomatoes. It has ground beef, onions, red, yellow, orange, and green bell pepper, and cabbage and seasoning in it. It came out to be really good and tasty. After the repairman arrived around 1530, and fixed the handle on the stove door, I went to take a shower. Then Caleb took a shower, and then Harlee took a bath. I was getting everybody fresh and clean early so we could go to bed early. I was exhausted by 1830, and I think Michael was still working on the house! 

     Sunday we went to Harris Teeter to buy some meats on sale. I stopped at Lowe's Foods on the way home to make myself a salad for lunch, from the salad bar. I ended up buying myself a dozen roses for Valentine's Day because I love roses, and I knew no one was going to gift them to me. We also bought meats on sale there too. I "helped" Christinia get her homework done. It was a long and busy day.

     Saturday I took the kids to get haircuts. I went to Lowe's Foods for a salad after that too. I loaded the dishwasher, handwashed alot of dishes, and started the laundry up. 

     Friday we drove Christinia to the airport. She went to visit her son in Colorado. I kept Harlee at home. I got a call from the VA Caregiver Assistance Program, so that was fast, as I had only just applied on Thursday! I was exhausted when I got home from Wilmington with the kids. We stopped at Arby's on the way home. I know I am not supposed to eat it, but I have been off my Virta-friendly diet since Halloween or Thanksgiving. I am going back on my diet gradually as we reduce the amount of things I am tempted to eat in the house. 

     I graduated Level 2 Reiki on Thursday evening after the zoom meeting. I have been practicing Reiki 2 ever since. I look forward to learning the Master Class, but it is difficult to deal with the detox after. There is a 21-day detox that happens after each attunement. I was still in the Reiki 1 detox when I began the Reiki 2 detox. It's alot to manage. I felt tired and thirsty all day for days. I am also in Michal's Ignite Your Light program for women. I meet with her every Tuesday afternoon to discuss things I want to change and heal- trauma related. That is going well. I will meet with her later today.

     Christinia just messaged me that she landed in Charlotte. She is almost home!

     I had to review my emails and notes because I have lost track of everything I have going on. We are still waiting for a bed for Caleb to go residential treatment. I am still waiting for NC to provide e-file options for filing taxes. I am waiting to hear whether or not we won a free roof. I was waiting for so long to hear about the labor costs of removing the cabinets and installing new cabinets, that I had to make a decision on what to do that would improve my appraisal other than that. I have things I have to do just to pass inspection. I decided to fix the exterior of the house when I got the quote for the paint job. Hopefully these projects will be done soon, and I can move on with the appraisal and refinancing. 

     Last week Caleb started a new school schedule. It has been working to a degree. Yesterday he got no work done, but at the same time, I wanted him to help me watch Harlee sooo..... Wednesday and Thursday of last week were ok as far as getting work done. We were gone on the road to and from Wilmington all morning on Friday, and when I got home, I had no energy for helping him with schoolwork.

     Right now I am just waiting to go pickup Christinia from the airport in Wilmington. I should probably be getting Harlee up soon so I can get her dressed. Caleb woke up shortly after I came out to the dinner table. He wanted to go back to sleep but couldn't. I think he finally fell asleep on the couch with Bella under the heating blanket. 

     I'm kinda hungry, but I dont know what to eat. Normally I would just drink almond milk, but I have stopped buying it because I drink the whole container in one night and it raises my blood sugar. I don't have alot of choices for breakfast. I should think about that. I need to boil some eggs.