5 Year Journal Day 35

     Today's prompt is "Outside. the weather is___" It's dark outside. It's only 5:09 am.

     Yesterday was Father's Day, and the worst one I've ever experienced. I never thought twice about how it would affect me to not have my dad around. After all, he did what he did and said what he said. So when I fell into a depression for the day and began to cry, it was unexpected. Only when I opened up to a complete stranger could I could be completely honest and direct about what was bothering me. I posted on the WoVen (Women Veterans Network) facebook page that I wish the VA would send Art supplies for my mental health. It opened a whole can of worms. I was just thinking I could be painting if I had some supplies. I'm broke. I can't just go out and buy art supplies. Art supplies are a luxury I can't afford right now.
     I called my Aunt Lisa after a whole day of having no one to speak to other than Caleb. I guess no one thought about how I might be taking it when I wished them a Happy Father's Day. I don't miss living with my dad at all, but I miss him. I miss the good parts about my dad, like his sense of humor. I hate being separated from him, but I know I did what I needed to do at the time. I wish I had information about how he is doing. I just want to know if he is ok.
     I mentioned that I missed my dad and was feeling down to Mathew, and he did not respond at all.
     I text messaged Nichole more than a few times, and she never even read the messages.
     I tried to facetime my mom, but she was busy. She never returned my call.
     This is why people like me feel like we are a burden. We don't want to reach out when we need to because it's pointless. Nobody cares!
     Thank God my Aunt Lisa answered my facetime call. We were able to laugh at the Trump rally fiasco together. She told me that I am not alone. It's ok to grieve.
     I told Caleb that I knew he wouldn't understand, but that I missed my dad. I had his attention for about a minute. He reminded me that his Papa was mean.
     You don't spend practically your whole life with someone and just forget about them. I know he was abusive, violent, mentally unstable and manipulative, but he is still my dad. He is the only dad I have ever known.

     I was supposed to get Caleb to take a test online for his math placement next year, and I never did. It's impossible to get him to do work. I have such a hard time with him. He argues and fights. I wish I could show him how he is only hurting himself by not doing what I say.
     I've been laying with Bella for half the night. She's nothing but good energy. She's so soft and loving. She can't get close enough to me, and it's so sweet/ I have never loved a dog so much.
      Sunday was supposed to be my day off. I was supposed to take a break from trying so hard. I was especially supposed to give myself a break from walking on the incline trainer. I certainly did that. I got up and wanted to do chores around the house. I went to my chair, and vaped, and drank my water drink. I couldn't decide on what to do. I couldn't make myself get moving. I just felt slow and heavy. I felt drained of all things good. I finally got up and began to load the dishwasher. I had to take a break, but then I continued. I made myself some hard boiled eggs for upcoming mornings when I'm hungry. I handwashed a whole bunch of dishes that wouldn't fit in the dishwasher. Eventually I began making dinner. It was awesome. I made Zatarain's Jambalaya with mixed chili beans in chili sauce, zucchini, zucchini squash, and shrimp. I was proud of myself for making a well-balanced meal that Caleb would eat. It's not easy to get kids to eat dinner, especially when they have O.D.D.
     I slept a lot during the day. That's what I need to do sometimes because I don't sleep well at night. I wake up every couple of hours. It's like I never get REM sleep. I wake up exhausted in the mornings. I'm tired all day, and can't sleep at night. I sleep better when Bella sleeps with me though. Also, I've been using a weighted blanket every night. I love it. It's 25lbs.
     I made a call to someone about helping me clean Caleb's room. I wanted to get an estimate of how much it would cost, so I know for the future. It needs to be organized. It's a hot mess. You can't even walk in there! I have been the one to clean his room before, but I don't think I can do it alone this time. Usually I get Caleb to help me, since it's his mess and his room. He's just so hard to get any work out of. It's exhausting to fight all the time. I just want to get the job done!
     I weigh-in on Monday mornings. I wonder how I did this week. I hope I get good news. It would really push me to keep going if I did get good news. I'm on the right track and I know if I keep up the good work, I will eventually get to where I am trying to get to. This process is not foreign to me. It's just that now I have many health conditions I did not have before because I am so much heavier than I have ever been.
     I wanted to purchase my 3rd blog2print book yesterday, but didn't have enough money to spare. I was trying to catch the Father's Day sale and get the book printed for 40% off. It would have saved me $60. Oh well. I will just have to wait.
     I still haven't replaced the shower water knob that I broke. I don't want to spend the last of my money on it, and not have money for gas or groceries for the next 2 weeks. It is what it is. Every time I think about working from home, I think about Caleb and the state of my house. I can't manage to work at home with Caleb constantly interrupting. I also think I can't manage to make a job work for me if I can't manage my own home in my own time. It's a pretty good measure that I don't have the energy to take on more.
     Today I start on week 3 of my walking routine. Every week I make a change to increase the challenge of the walk. This week, I am going to incorporate a 6% incline period in my walk. So far I have been alternating between 0% incline and 3% incline. I have also already extended my walk from 30 minutes to 40 minutes with 3 minute warm-up and 3 minute cool-down. Depending on how I feel after 4 weeks, I might add the use of my weighted vest. It holds 80lbs. of weights total, but I would start out small, like 20lbs. Strength training is important, and that's how I like to add it to my routine.
     I got a letter from the VA clinic that my neurology appointment has been made a telephone appointment instead of in-person. I guess I should have seen that coming since they made my annual well woman's appointment a telephone call too. Everybody I told about that, asked the same question I did, "How are you going to do the Pap smear?" SMH
     I've been thinking about moving my sleeping area to my bedroom. I bought a brand new bed last year and have yet to sleep in it. I'm just in the habit of sleeping on the couch. I can hear what's happening outside. I can hear if someone comes to the door. I can monitor Caleb's sleep because he sleeps in the recliner in the living room. Bella is comfortable out here. I have my CPAP set up. I have my fan perfectly positioned. I am sleeping close to the air conditioning vent. I feel safer out here, more in control. My bedroom is kind of creepy. Caleb says his room is creepy. Maybe, just maybe we can change to normal.
     

5 Year Journal Day 34

     Today's prompt is "On a scale of one to ten, how sad are you? Why?" I may still be grieving my past and lost relationships, but I don't feel sad at all, so one. Writing this blog allows me to release things that were not my fault, or that were not in my control that I have carried emotions about. I get to share photos I haven't seen in many years. I also get to share funny stories that make me laugh. Don't forget, I am on anti-depressants among other things. I don't know. I think maybe it was just time to let go. Losing my dad the way I did was a huge disappointment. I know I deserve better. I am working on healing and moving on. I am active about it.

     Friday night I got a call that Billy got out of jail. I had to go pick him up. I haven't seen him in over a year. My dad and he got into an argument where my dad was going to fight him. It was about the lawn mower not working properly. Stupid shit. I didn't want to go get him as it was already after 9pm, and I was just getting ready for bed. I did it anyway, knowing he had no other way to get home. He lives beside me. He crashed in the guest room for the night because there are no services on in his  house. He hasn't been able to pay his bills while in jail. He was around for the day and had his old roommate pick him up around 5pm. I hope he gets his life back together now that he has paid his debt to society.

     Also on Friday, Caleb caught a blue crab at the park. Of course he just had to bring it home and show me. Here are his photos.

     Today I completed my workout goal! I walked for 5 days this week! It took a lot to make it happen, but I did it, and I'm proud of myself.

     I am keeping up with drinking the full 160 fluid ounces of water daily too. Plus I still drink Diet Mountain Dew! LOL I'm always drinking. I call it the diabetic thirst. 

     I have fallen behind on most things. I don't have the energy I need to get everything done all the time. Plus, as soon as I clean one area up, within minutes, it's a mess again because of Caleb leaving his stuff around. So, I do what I can, when I can. That's all I can do. 

     I've got some pictures of Caleb when he was younger. I miss that little boy so much!

     Caleb kicking the soccer ball at Hugh McRae Park. Wilmington, NC

     Caleb and me at Hugh McRae park. Wilmington, NC

     Caleb and me at UNC-Wilmington.

     Caleb at Hugh McRae Park. Wilmington, NC

     Caleb at Mill Creek Apartments. Wilmington, NC. On the way to day care.

     Caleb at Ft. Fisher Aquarium.

     Caleb going to ride his bike at Mill Creek Apartments. Wilmington, NC

     Caleb at Ft. Fisher aquarium.

     Caleb on the way to day care. At Mill Creek apartments. Wilmington, NC

     Caleb at Ft. Fisher Aquarium.

     Caleb at Ft. Fisher Aquarium.

     Caleb after eating cookies! Cookie mustache and beard!

     Caleb at Ft. Fisher Aquarium.

     Caleb at Ft. Fisher Aquarium.

     Caleb at Mill Creek Apartments park. Surrounded by giant mushrooms.

     Caleb's last day of Head Start. Wilmington, NC

     Caleb's last day of Head Start. Wilmington, NC

     Caleb's last day of Head Start. Wilmington, NC

     Caleb at Hugh McRae Park. Wilmington, NC

     Caleb at Hugh McRae Park. Wilmington, NC

     Caleb at Hugh McRae Park. Wilmington, NC

     Caleb in the slide at Hugh McRae Park. Wilmington, NC

     Caleb at Hugh McRae Park. Wilmington, NC

     Caleb 100 days photo. Caleb and me. Korea. 

     

5 Year Journal Day 33

     Today's prompt is "Who do you live with?" I live with Caleb, my son, and Bella, my dog.

     Today I didn't do much because I had painful cramps. I spent most of the day on the couch, trying to sleep. One thing I did do, though, was walk! I have only one more day this week that I have to walk and I will meet my goal for this week, which was to walk 5 times. So far. I have been alternating between 0% and 3% incline. Next week I hope to incorporate 6% incline into my routine. I began walking for 36 minutes, including a 3 minute warmup and a 3 minute cooldown. This week I walked 46 minutes, including 3 minutes warmup, and 3 minutes cooldown. Next week, I will keep the same time, because it's a challenge for me still.
     I am running out of doTerra supplements. Once they are gone, I will not buy them again. I have felt no improvements since beginning taking them. They are quite expensive.
     I will be looking into getting omega-3 supplements for anti-inflammation.
     Well, because the day was so uneventful, I have little to say. Let's look at some old pictures!

     Tiffany me at high school graduation , May 2001, almost 20 years ago.

      My mom and me, 2000.

      Elizabeth and me in middle school at Spring Lake Middle school.

     I don't remember the names of these people at Pinecrest High School, and me.

     Me at Pinecrest high school.

     Me wearing a Mexican wedding dress as a costume at Pinecrest High school.

     Me in Florida.

      Me in high school.

     Christie, Andy, and me at the house in Southern Pines.

     Gledys and me in Sharon's parents' house in Florida.

     My dad and me. 

     Mathew and me waiting for the bus in middle school.

     Hailey and me in the Southern Pines house.

     Greek! World History class. Mr. Schmidt. I'm in the middle. Pinecrest high school.

     Family Day at Basic Training. My dad and me.

     Me in my favorite shirt.

     Pine Forest high school.

     Graduation day at Basic Training.

     My dad and me in Florida.

     Senior Prom Pinecrest High school. Tiffany and me.

     Me in the Greensboro apartment, with Peabody.

     Sharon and me at Basic Training Family Day.

     Me in Florida.

     Mathew and me in Washington, DC.

     Shillina and me one Halloween at the campground.