5 Year Journal Day 310

      Today's prompt is "What is your biggest expense right now?" The mortgage payment.

     Today is Halloween. It is Sunday and 10:03 am here. On Monday, my dad went to the hospital because he was having trouble breathing. It turns out he had fluid in his lungs which was caused by too much salt in his diet. He had emergency heart surgery on Tuesday. The doctors checked his heart to be sure there were no blockages. My dad was in the hospital for several days after that. I went to Lumberton to pick him up from the hospital on Thursday. I came back home after breakfast on Friday. I was planning on taking the kids out to the Town festivities at the park. They were having a Halloween egg hunt for the younger children. Harlee would have liked it, but I was so exhausted, I could not take her. It would have only lasted for 15 minutes, and she would have been so upset to have to come back home, that it really wasn't worth the trouble. 

     Yesterday I woke up around 8 am and began to work on paying the bills. I was originally scheduled to have an appointment with the USAA Life Insurance nurse, but she cancelled at the last minute. I was up, and felt like I was a day late, as I got paid on Friday. I spent several hours paying the bills and updating my files on the computer. The morning was productive. I did not eat breakfast because I was not hungry. I took my medications though. I woke Christinia up around 11:30 am. I checked my sugar shortly after and it was 89. I had some ham and melted pepper jack cheese for lunch, and was tired, so I went to lay down for a short while. Caleb kept interrupting my attempts to take a nap because he wanted me to give him screen time on his phone. I was in bed nearly 4 hours and when I finally got up, I was more tired than I was before I laid down. My whole body was hurting. My mind was running the whole time I was trying to rest. 

     Thoughts of suicide crept in my mind. I just hurt so much and was struggling to recover from the week before. I opened up to Christinia about it. I don't feel the need to act on those thoughts. I wanted relief from the pain I was suffering. I wanted rest and peace of mind. Sometimes the thought of being dead looks appealing because I can't escape the pain I suffer. Physical pain. everywhere. I feel like I am expected to behave like nothing is wrong me, but clearly there are all kinds of things wrong with me all the time. I get tired of trying to be work like a normal person. I get tired of not living up to my own expectations. 

     Today I woke up at 7:30 am. I am feeling better with little pain. 

     I called my dad yesterday evening. I normally call him multiple times throughout the day, but I did not do that yesterday. Apparently he was having what I called a "shitty" day too. He does not understand that I do not choose to be depressed when I get depressed. He does not understand that I do not choose to be in pain because my body cannot handle stress. It's frustrating. He was talking to me about his childhood... the traumas he endured, and how I should be grateful those things did not happen to me. Depression does not work like that. At least mine doesn't . 

     He does not seem to realize that him almost dying again has impacted me negatively all week and I need to recover. Then on top of the obvious, we are talking about why Dona Sharon cannot bring him clean clothes to the hospital, which I found out was less than a mile away. My dad had a toilet accident, and was needing clean clothes. He sat there in a hospital gown the whole time after that. 

     Christinia and I talked about how we might be able to take care of him, and get him out of that motel. She was angrier than I was that Dona Sharon did not bring him clean clothes AND I had to drive an hour and a half to the motel to pick up his clean clothes so he could have clothes to come home in. I drove to the motel and then to the hospital to pick my dad up. We went back to the motel to pick up Dona Sharon and go out to eat at Golden Corral. Afterwards, we went to Walmart to try to fill dad's prescription that he needed to prevent another heart attack. The cost of one prescription was $436 and some change.

     Deep breath.

     Harry Potter The Chamber of Secrets is on the tv. I am listening to it. Caleb is out at the Veterans' Park. 

     Tonight I am supposed to meet some other homeschool families to go trick-or-treating with. I am taking it slow today, although I do want to take a shower and clean my room of the clean clothes that need to be put away. 

     I reached out to Nichole to let her know that my dad was in the hospital. She replied that she told Mathew. I guess it didn't matter to him because he did not contact me. 

     Caleb has a task to clean out the Mazda. He had a bad attitude when I originally asked him to clear out the trash and junk that has been collecting in there since we went to Southern Pines, so I took away his XBox. He has to complete the whole cleaning of the Mazda now before he will get his XBox back. 

     It made him cry more than once because my dad gave him money to spend, and he just spent it on XBox Live money, and he wants to use it right away. 

     I missed being home, even though I was only gone for one night. The beds at that motel are awful! Every pressure point in my backside was triggered in pain when I laid down. I hardly slept. I woke up at 7 am and so did Caleb. It's one thing when I am taking a trip for a joyful reason, but when it not joyful... well, it's not a good feeling. The drive seems longer than it actually is because the roads are lined with nothing but trees. It hardly feels like the car is going anywhere when I am driving. 

     I was so happy to be back home. We did not bring Bella with us, because Christinia and Harlee were staying home. Harlee cried when we left, and asked about us when we were gone.  

     I just wanted to go to my own bed. I totally crashed for a few hours after I got home and caught up with Christinia, Harlee, and Bella. 

     I don't really know what's going on this week yet. I have to update my planner with all the appointments I have in my phone. 

5 Year Journal Day 309

      Today's prompt is "What was something you couldn't do today?"  I wanted to work on cleaning out the porch today, but never got around to it. I ended up going to Food Lion and doing some grocery shopping , driving by the local mechanic shop for information for my dad, and going to CVS to pick up meds for Caleb. When I came home, I was tired. I was ready for a nap. I went and took a long nap because my whole body was in pain. I did not wake up until Caleb woke me up to take my night time medications. 

     Actually, I did wake up earlier than that. I was hungry and woke up and had some pepperoni and cheese as a snack. I went back to bed after that though. When I got up, I got up to a surprise. Nigel Johnson, my ex-husband, tried to call me on facebook messenger. 

     I wrote a message to Nigel in August when I was filing for child support services to give him a heads up, once they told me that Nigel would have to be ruled out as Caleb's father. I sent him another message in September. He finally responded last night! I tried to call him back, but because we were not friends on facebook, I could not get through. He called me back and it got through. 

     He was sounding happy when I spoke to him, and for that, I am thankful. I assured him that the paternity test was a mere formality. He wants to catch up sometime and gave me his phone number. I text him right away so he could save my number. You never know when we might need to talk to eachother again. 

     Of course I had to tell my dad. That got him talking about how my mom lied about her earnings to the court to avoid paying more in child support. Apparently she only paid something like $125 a month per child for the entire duration of having to pay. 

     Talking to Nigel brought back a lot of memories. Some were good, some not so good. He put me through a lot while I was away in Army training. He accused me of cheating on him while I was in basic training. Anyone who has been in Army basic training can tell you that you can barely go to the latrine without a drill Sergeant standing by. 

     It is now 1:02 am here. I woke up around quarter to midnight. Caleb is still awake. He has nasal congestion and is having trouble breathing to get comfortable to sleep. I gave him a nasal decongestant. 

     I wonder if my dad is awake. I don't want to be loud though. 

     So, Nigel said he is scheduled to take a DNA test in Greensboro at Labcorps on November 9th.

     The court date I have to go to is scheduled for December 8th.

     Tomorrow is another day. I hope to get the front porch cleared off completely tomorrow. I am tired, but I have too much stuff going through my mind to be able to fall asleep. 

     I need to go to the Flu Shot Clinic at the VA next week, as well as to the lab. I don't have to take my blood pressure everyday now, but only every other day. I weighed in at 301.3 lbs today! Woop! Woop!

     I am trying to figure out what else needs to be done next week so I can have advance notice. I forgot to give Bella her Bravecto on the 20th. I will do that tomorrow too. I wanted to get Christinia's VA claims submitted by Sunday, but I don't know if I will have the energy if we are working on the porch tomorrow.

     I am tired now. I wonder if I can fall asleep. 

     

5 Year Journal Day 308

      Today's prompt is "Halloween plans? What's your costume?" I plan on taking Caleb trick-or-treating. I am not going to dress up in a costume. I am just going to wear some spooky looking clothes I bought from Zulily online.

     It is now 5:02 am here. I have been awake since about 2:00. I have been working on the bills this far. I figured I would try to catch up with my blog. Yesterday was a pretty good day. I was able to catch up on all the dishes, by both loading the dishwasher that is now fixed, and hand washing dishes until the strainer was full 3 different times. Once I was finished with the dishes, I took a break, and then gathered the troops to begin work on the front porch. We did alot of work before I needed a break because my back was hurting, and I was sweating up a storm. I thought it would be a 15 minute break, but when I sat down with Christinia and Caleb, I soon realized that I should probably check my sugar. Then, I decided I should probably have lunch. We collectively decided to finish the porch the following day so I could catch up with my stuff, and we could all take a much needed rest. 

     I took a nap, and the others took quiet time to themselves. I woke up hungry, and snacked on pepperoni. I was not hungry for a big meal, so I decided to skip dinner. I took my meds, and headed to take a shower. I washed up in soapy goodness and felt the hot water make the pains disappear from my body. I always finish my showers with cold water because 1) 10 seconds of cold shower is good for us and 2) I need to cool off after showering in the hottest water I can get, and bring my blood pressure down too. 

     After cooling off and drying in front of my fan, I got dressed and went to say goodnight to Christinia and Harlee. I always get a goodnight hug  from Harlee before I lay down for the night. I tell her that her hugs are "magical Harlee hugs."

     The day before yesterday, I could not get motivated to do much of anything. I was able to put some things in my room, that were by the table, but then new boxes came in the mail and took their spots. I have about 3 baskets of clean laundry in my room, waiting for me to sort through and put away. Most of them are the clothes that are being donated because Caleb outgrew them. I am trying to stay on top of the things I have to do, but it gets hard when my body does not want to cooperate. Sometimes, I just need to stay in bed for the day, but I just can't seem to let myself do that. So it can be torture being up and not working on all the things that need tending to. 

     The priority is to get all the trash in and around the house in the trailer as soon as possible so Mark can have his trailer back. We were able to get things off the porch that have been there for a very long time like the mattress topper, the broken office chair, the broken shop vac, rusty tools... even leaves and sand and dirt! We are close to being done  now though. I can't wait to be able to text Mark that we are finished.

     I still have not been able to sit down with Caleb and finish his end-of-year testing. He is about half-way through the whole thing. I have already had to pay late fees on the testing materials. I need to get that done too. 

     Halloween is just around the corner, and so is Harlee's 5th birthday. Harlee is going to dress up as a mermaid princess. Caleb got a plague mask from his friend, Gage, when he went and spent the night last weekend that he is obsessed with. I have a feeling he will be wearing that for Halloween. 

     My weight has increased this week. I'm assuming it because I am supposed to be on menstrual cycle this week. My ketones have dropped too, even though I have eaten fewer carbs than usual. I need to go to Food Lion and pick up a batch of veggies to roast for me to eat with my meals. I have not pooped in days! It really sucks. I feel like I am carrying weight that I shouldn't be. 

     I started a new blood pressure medication on Saturday. I don't know how much of my problems are from that change. 

     My Virta team told me that my baseline A1C was 9.8 on 8/4/2021, and as of last week's measurements, my new A1C is estimated to be about 7.7. I am trying to work towards not being diabetic anymore, which is an A1C under 6, so that's great news!

     I wish I was losing weight more regularly and faster. I feel like I get a glimpse of a low number on the scale, only to gain 10 lbs back within the next few days! It sucks!

     I bought some new supplements I might try today. They came in the mail yesterday. Some are for brain support, and memory support. Others are for energy. Others are for blood sugar. I would rather take cinnamon instead of glipizide any day. I would rather take green tea than a pharmaceutical to keep me awake. 

     Christinia organized the pantry while Caleb and I were away on Tuesday. We went out o run errands. It was pay day, and that's also the day I pay the bills. I had to go out and pay the water bill. While I was out, I went ahead and donated 3 bags of clothes that I had laying in the hallway, ready to be taken. I also went to Walmart to pick up Christinia's medication, and a few groceries. I made tacos for dinner. I had a taco salad made with ground beef seasoned in taco seasoning, green leaf lettuce, spinach, 4 cheese Mexican cheese shredded blend, sour cream, jalapeños, and avocado salsa. It was delicious! I have never had avocado salsa before!

     The repairman was supposed to come and fix the window unit AC, but called out at the last minute. I am using HomeAdvisor to find someone to do the job so I don't have to buy another window unit. They are expensive ! It has been twice now that the person who was going to work on the AC has called out. I'm starting to lose hope that it will be done. 

     Monday, I made appointments for Caleb to see his therapist again. She will be back form maternity leave at the end of this month. I also called the VA to see what appointment I had on Tuesday morning. Apparently I had a phone call with the dietician at 9:00 am on Tuesday. I was on a role, and decided to see if I could a dentist for Christinia to go to. Her tooth has been bothering her ever since her filling fell out. We tried to take her to the dentist last Friday, but when we got there, they said they do not accept Medicaid for people over the age of 15. Anyway, I got her an appointment to be evaluated in Wilmington. I thought things were going to go ok, but they only referred Christinia to someone else after the evaluation. We waited for 2 days to hear from the people she was referred to, and they never called. She called them and found out that their appointments are way out in January 2022! The problem is that there are not many dentists who accept Medicaid for adults in the area. 

     Wednesday I could not get moving. I was just blah. We ended up taking Harlee to get her first professional haircut at Great Clips! We also went to the Pet Supplies store, so I could buy a place mat for Bella's bowls so they are spilled over everywhere. Harlee got to see the pet birds, pet fish, and a ferret. On the way home, we decided to go to the beach since it was such a beautiful day outside. Harlee got to walk the beach and find sea shells to bring home. She was not happy when we turned around to go back to the Mazda though. She wanted to build a castle!

     Today is Friday,  and it is now 5:45 am here. I got my VA letter stating that my disability claim has been received. I submitted a new claim for a lot of things that are on my medical history and records. I am hoping to get a 100% disability rating. It won't affect my disability pay, but it may have an impact on what grants and scholarships Caleb can apply for when he goes to college. 

     I am trying to help my dad with his disability claims. He is using an attorney to help him, but it is not an efficient practice. My dad is legally blind and needs help. I applied for respite care from the Elizabeth Dole Foundation and got it for him, but they have not started yet. He has alot of claims to file and needs to be careful that he includes everything in his documentation. His attorney only has 2 things claimed, but he has more like 10 to appeal. 

     My dad is obsessed with Caleb going in the Army when he gets older. He wants to find out what it takes to be a rigger with HALO packing qualifications. He talks to me about it nearly everyday. I talk to my dad multiple times a day, everyday. He also wants me to look up a 2004 Land Rover and see what is available and at what cost. SMH

     I try to get him to understand that we are struggling with school right now, and dealing with his ADHD and ODD is no easy task. 

     Caleb has begun to earn money for doing chores around the house, thanks to Christinia. I offer $0.50 for unloading the dishwasher properly. Another $0.50 for drying and putting away the dishes in the dish strainer when I ask. So far, so good. 

     Caleb was bugging me about buying him a book when we were at Walmart on Tuesday. He was begging and pleading. I told him "No!" a thousand times over, I swear! I told him that if he wanted to buy something, he would have to earn money to buy things himself. I went on to say that we had offered him money to do chores around the house, and he didn't want to earn money! So there we have it. I told him that his begging me does not put money into my account for me to buy him things.

     I haven't heard much from my mom lately. Kenneth is doing better.

     I got a call from Aunt Lisa on Wednesday while we were out. It was good to hear her voice again. She sounded in a happy place. We caught up for a few minutes, but I was in the middle of getting in the Mazda to drive over to the Pet Supplies Store, so the call was only so long. I asked about how my cousins are doing, and my Uncle Andy too. It has been such a long time since I have seen any of them. The last time I drove up there, Caleb was only 4 or 5. I remember that I stayed with my grandma and grandpa and I took Caleb to Sesame Place! That was the last time I saw my grandma and grandpa. They both passed away. 

     In other news, Jamie McCurry messaged me on Facebook messenger. He asked "Did you find his dad?" What an idiot! Are you serious? After all the time I spent explaining why I was contacting him, and all the time spent with no messages at all? WTH?! I put him on blast and with screen shots of the entire conversation between us in my newsfeed. How much more obvious could it be that he is Caleb's father? He was at Camp Casey at the right time, and shares DNA with Caleb through his grandmother who uses AncestryDNA. 

     I am pursuing child support, but first Nigel Johnson, my ex-husband, has to be ruled out according to the state of North Carolina because I was legally married to him at the time of Caleb's conception and birth. Then, Jonathan Rivera must be ruled out because he signed the birth certificate. Only after they have been ruled out can I pursue Jamie McCurry, but it's going to happen whether he likes it or not. He will take the DNA test and prove that he is not the father or he will pay child support. 

     Looks like the state of NC is making it harder to get vaping stuff by taxing the Hell out of vape supplies. It's like 25% tax! Then the USPS just put a ban on shipping e-juice. I don't know how I am going to get my e-juice now, because the local stores charge too much for less quality e-juice. I  don't understand why, but when I buy from the local stores, their stuff always burns my coils.

     Caleb just woke up because he is having trouble breathing through his nose. He is congested. 

     It is now 6:35 am here. I wonder where Mathew is right now.

      

     

5 Year Journal Day 307

      Today's prompt is " Are you able to tell when you have enough?"  The short answer tot hat question is "Yes." 

     So, since I have last written more than a month ago, alot of things have changed. At the end of September, I went to Lumberton to drive my step-mom and dad to Southern Pines to for Dona Sharon to have eye surgery. She had eye surgery on her cataracts. On the 12th was my dad's 61st birthday. That following week I spent preparing to be gone for a week. I prepared meals in advance to cut down some of the costs associated with 4 people going out of town. I also wanted to stay on my diet as much as possible, even though I would not be able to cook while gone. I even invested in a huge cooler to store food in. I loaded the van up, with little room to spare. We brought Bella with us, of course. The plan was to take my dad' Ford Expedition to Southern Pines. That way, there would be more than enough room for everyone and their belongings. Once I got to Lumberton, we had to run an errand, and I noticed that there were no brakes!!! Come to find out , the brake fluid was leaking. Needless to say, we did not drive the Ford to Southern Pines. We had to make due with driving all 5 of us in my compact minivan. It was congested in the Mazda to be sure. I could not wait for the trip to be over.   

     We arrived in Lumberton on Saturday, September 18th, drove to Southern Pines on that Sunday, and I took Dona Sharon to her first eye surgery on Monday morning. Tuesday she had to have her eye checked, before they would do surgery on the other eye Wednesday. Then she had to get that eye checked up on Thursday. We checked out on Saturday and returned to Lumberton. Caleb, Bella, and I drove home on Sunday. 

     I believe it was Monday, in the wee hours that I was chatting with Christinia. She decided that she was ready to leave her current situation with her baby's daddy, and I was willing to go pick her up. She happened to be all the way in Charlotte, and was only 1:30 or so in the morning. It was pitch black outside. I don't normally drive in the dark anymore because I am afraid the lights will cause me a seizure while driving. Anyway, Caleb and I drove 4 hours to get there to pick her and Harlee up. She asked me to call the police when I got there to ensure a peaceful exit because he owned a gun and it was in the room they were staying in. 

     The exit was not without incident, although we did wait for the police to arrive to begin moving her out. Troy came outside and began taking pictures of my license plate for some reason. He was standing behind me as the door to the trunk was raised overhead for me to load Christinia and Harlee's stuff. I was bent over and moving stuff around to make space, and this fool is right behind me, in my personal space, trying to take photos of my license plate. I blew up. I literally blew up. After trying to stay calm, I got really loud and said something to the effect of "Get in my personal space again and see what happens!" I don't play. I know he was abusive to Christinia. I knew he was dangerous. I did not like feeling threatened in my own space. The police man who was outside, witnessing the incident, tried to threaten me with going to jail. I told him "You're not taking me to jail for being too loud! I fought for this country!" I was pissed and could not wait to get away from there and that situation. 

     We got the van loaded and headed out safely. 4 hours later, we arrived at my house. It was not cleaned up, as Caleb and I had been gone the week before, and prepping to go the week before that. The house was a disaster area, and I told Christinia that beforehand. 

     It took me a week to get over the scene with Troy and the police officer. 

     We are going on week 4 on Christinia and Harlee staying with us. So far, it has been ok. Christinia practically cleaned most of the house. I cleaned the hallway bathroom to the best of my ability, as well as the kitchen. She managed the living room, guest room, and hallway. The guest room was a disaster from Caleb using it and destroying everything in his path. His belongings and trash were all over the floors. I could not get him to pick his crap up and throw it away. I have been having the hardest time trying to get him to pick up after himself for years now. 

     So there's all that, then, I completed my physical therapy sessions! I am now supposed to be going to the pool 3 times a week and continuing my routine. I did not go last week because I could not manage it. 

     I have successfully lost 21.4 lbs. so far! Woop! Woop! I am totally off insulin and only on 1/4 the glipizide I was on. It wasn't easy getting back on track after being out of town for so long. I had a few hiccups while away. One instance was me eating a number of cinnamon rolls. The oher instance was eating some kind of corn chips. 

     I took Bella to the vet last week for her shots. She got her Bordatella and Canine Flu shot. 

     I took Caleb to have his second HPV shot and his Flu shot too. 

     I had to reschedule my appointment with NP Miller because I got busy doing something else. I was at the U-haul counter when she called for our phone appointment. I was like "Uh... I am not in a private place right now, can I reschedule?" LOL Yeah, because it was to talk about my sexual dysfunction. 

     I was getting a truck to pick up what I thought would be free furniture. It did not turn out to be free. The person was moving, and trying to sell her stuff, but would not communicate prices by chat nor on the listing. When I got there, she was 30 minutes late, and only then decided to say that the things were $50 each. I did buy some things, and got a free student desk too, but I did not buy the furniture I was renting the truck for because she wanted over $100 a piece for each. 

     I quit my Breathe4Change yoga program. I had fallen behind before the day of the first online class, so I decided to drop out and get a refund. 

     Today, Mark Gonzalez, the owner of the Mr. Rooter franchise around here, brought over his trailer for me to load my trash into. I will now be able to completely clean off the porch! It is stacked with junk including empty boxes and broken furniture. I am so grateful for his kindness. I could not afford to rent a trailer, and even if I did, I could move the trailer because I don't have a hitch on the van. 

     I woke up at 6:30 yesterday morning, but did not really start moving until about 9:30. I forgot I made plans for Caleb to go to Gage's house for the night. Gage wanted Caleb to come over to help him dig a giant hole in his backyard. Apparently they did nothing but dig and eat all day yesterday. 

     After talking to Mark, when he brought the trailer over, I was energized. I began the laundry in the washer machine, I began folding clothes in my room, I began to pick up trash from Caleb's room and sort things out. I also began loading the trailer with stuff not only from Caleb's room, but also from the porch. I finally put  my new clothes away in my closet where they belong. I finally got my clothes washed, dried, and mostly put away. I hung up all of Caleb's shirts, jackets, and sweaters for him. I took out everything in his chest of drawers to be washed and sorted out. We have a collection of clothes that no longer fit him that are going to the local thrift store that benefits the local shelter for women and children of domestic abuse. 

     The other thing that happened was that the dishwasher broke. I was without the dishwasher for a week while the part was being ordered. I had to hand wash dishes for 4 people everyday. It sucked. I fell behind on the pots and pans, but tried to keep up with the other dishes. The dishwasher got fixed on Friday, so hopefully we will back on track soon. 

     The window unit air conditioner will not turn on either. I don't know what happened. I hired someone to come over and fix it on Friday, but they cancelled at the last minute, and rescheduled for Tuesday. 

     It is now 4:33 am here. I have been up since about 3 am.

     I need to get Caleb back on the schedule with his therapist, Mallory. I cannot seem to get through to Caleb the importance of school and keeping the house clean. For some reason, he thinks he can make decisions to not be helpful around the house. It's taxing to deal with and I don't have the answers on how to make it stop. 

     I am trying to make progress in the house, but find myself running in circles since the dishwasher broke, and Caleb was put in charge of doing the laundry by Christinia- bad idea. Caleb is delayed and immature for his age. He is not ready to be put in charge of washing the laundry. There are rules to washing laundry that must be followed to get the most out of the washer and dryer. I think  she just assumed he would magically know these things, but he doesn't. For instance, you cannot wash more than 2 towels at once. Why? Because more than two towels will not dry in the dryer within 2 cycles. You cannot wash blankets together for the same reason. There are jus things that need to be taught in order to be successful, and he is not ready. Why? Because he has trouble paying attention and following directions. The only time he pays attention to anything, is with video games. 

     I have taken back over of the laundry. I am going to help direct Caleb through cleaning the parts of his room that I left for him to clean up. For example, he will be in charge of shop vac-ing the carpet in his room, and clearing the rest of the trash away from his room. I removed almost all of the laundry from his room, so I could wash them without issues. 

     Caleb so far has a general chore routine throughout the day. Give Bella water. Let Bella outside in the morning. Take the trash out to the trash bin. Take the recycling to the recycling bin, but do not leave the recycling in the bag. Instead bring the bag back inside to be used again to collect the recyclables. Feed Bella dinner. Let Bella outside in the afternoon. 

     Then he has chores like: putting the clean dishes away from the dish strainer, and unloading the dishwasher, bringing the clean laundry from the dryer to my room to be folded, bringing the dirty laundry to the laundry room to be washed, and sometimes, even giving Bella a bath. 

     We have built up to this much. I do not expect him to magically know how to do other things without proper instructions and supervision. 

     Homeschooling is more than just the public school curriculum in my house. Yes, he needs to know the public school curriculum to prepare him for college, however, if he can't learn to live ... what good does it do? He has to learn to control his anger. He has been working on it with me. I let him say what's on his mind, and I do not hit him. I don't know where people get the idea that violence is the answer to me parenting my child. He is not 2, and getting a "spanking." He is almost 13! 

     I get people trying to tell me about myself and Caleb, and it's like "What the Fuck do you know about me? Or Caleb?" It can be hard to deal with. I try to transmute my anger into positive actions though. I hope today will be another good day. A good day is one in which I very little pain, am not exhausted physically or mentally, and can work for more than a few minutes at a time to get things done. 

     That being said, there is a very good reason for my "unemployable" VA status. It's because I cannot hold a job in my current condition, and am not expected to get any better. I try explaining this to people. but I am not being heard. Look! I am doing the best I can do! I am limited by my disabilities! Lord help me with these people who do not seem to grasp the concepts I try to put forth. 

     My son has ADHD and ODD. He is going to behave just like he behaves, and that is because he has diagnosed behavioral issues along with mental health issues stemming from PTSD. Look it up! What he does is not only common for the tween, but extremely common for the tween with these issues. AGAIN, I am doing the best I can! 

     I am so frustrated! I don't hide these facts of our lives. I am quite open about my disabilities and Caleb's problems. So why are people acting surprised when he talks back to me? Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Look it up.  

     Anyway, my back is beginning to hurt, so I am on my way to lay down for a bit.