Today's prompt is "What is your biggest expense right now?" The mortgage payment.
Today is Halloween. It is Sunday and 10:03 am here. On Monday, my dad went to the hospital because he was having trouble breathing. It turns out he had fluid in his lungs which was caused by too much salt in his diet. He had emergency heart surgery on Tuesday. The doctors checked his heart to be sure there were no blockages. My dad was in the hospital for several days after that. I went to Lumberton to pick him up from the hospital on Thursday. I came back home after breakfast on Friday. I was planning on taking the kids out to the Town festivities at the park. They were having a Halloween egg hunt for the younger children. Harlee would have liked it, but I was so exhausted, I could not take her. It would have only lasted for 15 minutes, and she would have been so upset to have to come back home, that it really wasn't worth the trouble.
Yesterday I woke up around 8 am and began to work on paying the bills. I was originally scheduled to have an appointment with the USAA Life Insurance nurse, but she cancelled at the last minute. I was up, and felt like I was a day late, as I got paid on Friday. I spent several hours paying the bills and updating my files on the computer. The morning was productive. I did not eat breakfast because I was not hungry. I took my medications though. I woke Christinia up around 11:30 am. I checked my sugar shortly after and it was 89. I had some ham and melted pepper jack cheese for lunch, and was tired, so I went to lay down for a short while. Caleb kept interrupting my attempts to take a nap because he wanted me to give him screen time on his phone. I was in bed nearly 4 hours and when I finally got up, I was more tired than I was before I laid down. My whole body was hurting. My mind was running the whole time I was trying to rest.
Thoughts of suicide crept in my mind. I just hurt so much and was struggling to recover from the week before. I opened up to Christinia about it. I don't feel the need to act on those thoughts. I wanted relief from the pain I was suffering. I wanted rest and peace of mind. Sometimes the thought of being dead looks appealing because I can't escape the pain I suffer. Physical pain. everywhere. I feel like I am expected to behave like nothing is wrong me, but clearly there are all kinds of things wrong with me all the time. I get tired of trying to be work like a normal person. I get tired of not living up to my own expectations.
Today I woke up at 7:30 am. I am feeling better with little pain.
I called my dad yesterday evening. I normally call him multiple times throughout the day, but I did not do that yesterday. Apparently he was having what I called a "shitty" day too. He does not understand that I do not choose to be depressed when I get depressed. He does not understand that I do not choose to be in pain because my body cannot handle stress. It's frustrating. He was talking to me about his childhood... the traumas he endured, and how I should be grateful those things did not happen to me. Depression does not work like that. At least mine doesn't .
He does not seem to realize that him almost dying again has impacted me negatively all week and I need to recover. Then on top of the obvious, we are talking about why Dona Sharon cannot bring him clean clothes to the hospital, which I found out was less than a mile away. My dad had a toilet accident, and was needing clean clothes. He sat there in a hospital gown the whole time after that.
Christinia and I talked about how we might be able to take care of him, and get him out of that motel. She was angrier than I was that Dona Sharon did not bring him clean clothes AND I had to drive an hour and a half to the motel to pick up his clean clothes so he could have clothes to come home in. I drove to the motel and then to the hospital to pick my dad up. We went back to the motel to pick up Dona Sharon and go out to eat at Golden Corral. Afterwards, we went to Walmart to try to fill dad's prescription that he needed to prevent another heart attack. The cost of one prescription was $436 and some change.
Deep breath.
Harry Potter The Chamber of Secrets is on the tv. I am listening to it. Caleb is out at the Veterans' Park.
Tonight I am supposed to meet some other homeschool families to go trick-or-treating with. I am taking it slow today, although I do want to take a shower and clean my room of the clean clothes that need to be put away.
I reached out to Nichole to let her know that my dad was in the hospital. She replied that she told Mathew. I guess it didn't matter to him because he did not contact me.
Caleb has a task to clean out the Mazda. He had a bad attitude when I originally asked him to clear out the trash and junk that has been collecting in there since we went to Southern Pines, so I took away his XBox. He has to complete the whole cleaning of the Mazda now before he will get his XBox back.
It made him cry more than once because my dad gave him money to spend, and he just spent it on XBox Live money, and he wants to use it right away.
I missed being home, even though I was only gone for one night. The beds at that motel are awful! Every pressure point in my backside was triggered in pain when I laid down. I hardly slept. I woke up at 7 am and so did Caleb. It's one thing when I am taking a trip for a joyful reason, but when it not joyful... well, it's not a good feeling. The drive seems longer than it actually is because the roads are lined with nothing but trees. It hardly feels like the car is going anywhere when I am driving.
I was so happy to be back home. We did not bring Bella with us, because Christinia and Harlee were staying home. Harlee cried when we left, and asked about us when we were gone.
I just wanted to go to my own bed. I totally crashed for a few hours after I got home and caught up with Christinia, Harlee, and Bella.
I don't really know what's going on this week yet. I have to update my planner with all the appointments I have in my phone.
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