Today's prompt is "When did you last hold a baby?" I think I might have last held a baby at my mom's wedding. It was one of Sherri's babies.
Yesterday was a mostly good day. I woke up around 8:00 am and started with my day. I had my hard boiled eggs for breakfast, took my medications, and saw to it that Caleb took his morning medications. I called my dad who did not spend alot of time on the phone with me. I started the dishwasher, and lit some candles. I handwashed the remaining dishes. I asked Caleb to put away the dry dishes first. He was wanting his Xbox back. I took out 2 bags of recycling to the bins outside. The trucks had already emptied them, and Caleb had already brought them back to the house. Caleb went for a "short" walk down the street. When he came back, I was ready to go out. We went to Food Lion to buy some Diet Mountain Dew that we were running low on, and to see what meat was on sale, since all our meat was frozen. I bought a head of cabbage, a bag of shredded collard greens, a bag of cut kale, and 4lbs. of carne picada. We came home and I began cooking in the crockpot. Once I was caught up on getting dinner prepared, I began to clean the surfaces of the cooking spaces I use. It was getting late in the day and I was getting tired. I put on some music to help me get my work done. Caleb was asking for his Xbox all day. I told him to go out and wash the Mazda windows with glass cleaner and paper towels. He did not use paper towels like I told him and instead of cleaning the windows, just spread the dirt.
Dinner was beginning to smell good. The dishwasher was done with its cleaning cycle. I tried to call my dad again, but he did not answer the phone. Caleb dried the dishes from the dishwasher and emptied the dishwasher. When dinner was ready, I made everybody a dish. I thought it was good, but Christinia said there was too much ginger.
I had already taken a shower, dry and cooled off, and put on some clean clothes. I told Caleb he needed to take a shower too. I asked Caleb to put his belongings out of the living room chair and into his room. I also asked him to break down the boxes by the door and put them in the recycling bins where they belong.
I got the laundry started and started checking my planner for needed updates. I made calls to make appointments for both Caleb and Christinia in the morning. I also finally wrapped Harlee's presents. Her birthday is today. I bought her a set of stuffed puppies. I made more hard boiled eggs so I would have my breakfast ready this morning.
I had a long talk with Christinia that was positive and helpful. Unfortunately I had to apply what I had just learned right away when Caleb wanted more screen time on his phone, but I wanted him to relax in quiet and go to bed.
He got angry and frustrated and loud. I held my peace, although I got loud too. Christinia stepped in to help, but I stepped up to regain control of the situation.
My dad called me while I was in the middle of talking with Christinia. I pressed the mute ring button so she could finish telling me what she needed to tell me. I called my dad back later, and I wish I hadn't.
My dad loves to talk about his past, even though it was not rainbows and butterflies. He also loves to bring up my past and all the mistakes he sees that I made. Let's just say that I was not feeling like being around him nor Dona Sharon after our one-sided conversation. He just went on and on about how fucked up I am and have been. He gave examples of not only my mistakes, but Mathew's, and my mom's, and my grandpa's. Some of the things he spoke about are none of his business. His opinion should not matter because of his position in our lives at the time. Does he think he is God? Like I owe my existence to him because he is my dad? Even though he abused me?
Life has changed over the years. I just took Dona Sharon to her eye surgery appointments that took all week. I just went and picked my dad up from the hospital a few days ago. I mean, what reality do they live in? They both blame me for losing everything they had, but it was not my fault my dad choked my 10 year old son on 2 different occasions and it got reported. How is that my fault? Here's what they believe. They believe that I am a bad parent to Caleb, and that led to my dad getting physically violent with a 10 year old boy who has ADHD and ODD who happens to be his grandson.
When the police questioned him about assaulting a boy under 12 twice, they both responded that he deserved it.
One of the biggest mistakes I have made is inviting them to live with me on 2 separate occasions. On both occasions they were escorted by police out of my living space. As a matter of fact my dad probably still has warrants for his arrest for assaulting my son. Yet he blames me for not even having a belt to wear to court when we went. How is that my fault?
My dad is crazy and there is no other way to put it. He threatened to blow up Social Services and shoot people as they run out.
It's easy to get along with my dad when he is not angry, but when he is angry...he gets physically violent and scary.
My dad broke my brother's nose, Mathew. He had to have it repaired as an adult in the Army. Mathew no longer speaks to my dad, and it's probably because he assaulted Caleb and he doesn't want him around to do that to his kids.
I'm going to have to let my dad go. The hopes that we could have a healthy relationship are gone.
I'm 38, and to bring up a relationship I had while I was in high school is just the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. What relevance does that have to my current being? What relevance do any of my past relationships have to my current being for that matter? And he brought every one up that he could remember. Emotional abuse is what that is. I was crying when I hung up the phone. I lied and said that the phone battery was dying so I could hang up.
I am not dead yet, and he is no Saint Peter.
I have asked for forgiveness when needed, from the source I believe to be in power over all of us. I have been a Christian Witch since elementary school.
I do not believe that I am deserving of this kind of talk. I began to dissociate during the discussion. I could not even say a word because he never stopped talking. Apparently my words aren't important, for one reason, or another.
Here I am with all these self-help books, and courses, along with therapies trying to do my inner work, and this person that I call my dad is dumping his shit right on top of me. I am not here to live up to anyone else's expectations, including my dad's.
Why does my dad feel the need to bring up hurtful things everyday? He lives in an existence that I cannot imagine being in. He needs therapy badly. I should not be listening to these things over and over. How is that helpful? I feel like I am going through the same things I was going through before. I feel like if I went back in my blog, I would find that I have written these very same things before, and am now writing them again.
I have to pick myself back up, dust myself off, and re-center. I will not call my dad today. I have made that decision. I will not answer his calls today either.
Anyway, Halloween was a good night for us. We met up with another homeschool family and went trick-or-treating together in South Harbor. The kids got lots of candy, and I had a hot dog from the church with chili, slaw, and onions on it! Bangin'! Yeah, I wasn't supposed to eat that, but.... I couldn't resist.
My scale is not telling me the truth. I am supposed to weigh in every morning, and sometimes it tells me 312, sometimes it's 302, and sometimes it's 294. How am I supposed to know what I weigh?
My sugars have been regular lately. I am having trouble staying in ketosis for some reason. I am not completely sure why. I have to pay more attention to what I eat and how much I eat. I know I am eating the right things on a daily basis, but I may be overeating.
Today is Harlee's birthday. She turns 5! We are going to go get her a small cake later on today. It is only 6:41 am now. I have been up since 4 something. I just couldn't sleep.
Later on today someone is coming to fix the window unit air conditioner because it keeps turning itself off. I know it is the circuit breaker on the unit that is doing it, I just don't understand why it is doing it, or how to make it stop.
Tomorrow I have to go to the Wilmington VA to have a lab done. It's not a fasting lab, so I will likely go later in the morning, after breakfast and meds are down.
Thursday I want to go to the pool, if I can afford a membership this month. I need to be doing my physical therapy. It is very helpful in relieving pain being in the water.
I was going to ask my dad and Dona Sharon over for Thanksgiving, but now I see that is a bad idea.
No comments:
Post a Comment