Today's prompt is "Who is your hero?" I don't know right now.
It is now 3:52 pm on Sunday. I got up around 9:30 am, and called my dad. After our conversation, I realized what kind of day I was having, and that it would be better off in bed. I ate my 3 hard boiled eggs, and took my medication with Diet Mountain Dew, which I never do. I then went back to bed and covered myself with my weighted blanket, with my comforter over my head and stayed in the dark until about 20 minutes ago.
My conversation with my dad was another one of those where he says "I'm not being offensive", but then he is. He was telling me that I attract "trash" in my life. He then proceeded to list the people who were in my life 20 years ago as examples of the trash he was talking about. I'm not exaggerating. He literally talked about my high school boyfriend. I'm 38. When he goes on and on and leaves no room for anyone else to talk... well. What am I to do? The fact that my high school boyfriend was 30-something and worked for my dad part time, at the time, but ended up marrying a drug-addicted prostitute. I guess that's my fault? I don't know but it really wears me down.
Then he was talking about my ex-husband as trash. He is trash because he stayed at home collecting my paychecks while I was in the Army. I don't understand why this conversation was even brought up.
He is trying to say that Christinia is trash too. That she does not add anything good to my life, and should be kicked out.
He talked about how Billy used me when he needed a place to take a shower. How he is a drug-addict and crazy.
I don't know why I let the conversation last as long as it did. I don't need his approval. I don't need his permission. I don't feel the need to argue either. I think he feels like he has to say it to me over and over, and like that is going to convince me that Christinia does not belong in my home. He does not know any details of our arrangement. I do not speak of Christinia to him, and he does not know anything more about our friendship than what I told him before. I told him that we were friends while we served in Korea. We were pregnant at the same time, and she gave birth to her son one or two weeks before I gave birth to Caleb. Christinia is the reason that I made it to the hospital the day Caleb was born. She held my hand while I gave birth to Caleb.
For some reason, my dad cannot understand the importance of that to me. He can never be pregnant in a foreign country while serving in the Army during a winter storm while living in an off-post apartment alone.
I feel like I have been psychologically beaten up today. I want to not live anymore. I'm tired, and that's what drove me to bed. I'm not happy.
Yesterday there was an explosive incident with Christinia and Caleb. It was about the Christmas lights that Caleb had hung up on the ceiling. While it did look pretty cool, it was a hazard to Harlee who is only 5 and on the Autism spectrum. Christinia asked Caleb if there were any lights hanging from the ceiling to the floor. Caleb answered "No." I do not think he understood the question, or the motive behind asking it. When Christinia came out of the bedroom and saw the lights hanging from the ceiling and plugged into the outlet, she flipped out. I mean she yelled as loud as she could that Caleb lied to her, when she just asked him about the lights hanging from the ceiling.
Caleb has ADHD and ODD. He took her yelling for as long as he could before he yelled back and tried to walk away into the back yard. Christinia told him that he would have nothing to do with Christmas lights, or Christmas at all. It really upset Caleb, like it would upset any kid his age. He was crying and I followed him to the back yard. Christinia yelled that Harlee is only 5 and has Autism and likes lights. She also yelled that she could hang herself and die from the lights hanging up from the ceiling.
I tried to calm Caleb down, get him to take his night time medications and go read a book to sleep.
Meanwhile Christinia is complaining about how she will take care of the lights and clean things up, "like she does everything around here."
Let's just say, it was not a fun night, and I could not wait to go to bed. I was tired already. I woke up around 7:30 am and began cleaning the kitchen by loading the dishwasher and hand washing dishes. I tried to get the laundry going in the machines, and sorted out the clean laundry in my room so we can donate Caleb's clothes that are too small for him.
Christinia has a habit of sleeping in until the mid-afternoon. I was trying to get her up around 11:00 or so, so I could take her to the bank at Walmart, like she wanted. I also needed a few things from Walmart while we were there. It makes things alot harder than it has to be when people do not live during the same waking hours.
I made some phone calls for her while she was sleeping to figure out to do with the information I came across on her ebenefits page. The claim we filed in 2019 was closed the next year with nothing awarded in her favor. I needed to find out how to reopen the claim, so I called the VA hotline. I was told to use a supplemental claim form and mail it in, so I went about looking for the form and filling it out. I did the best I could and had Christinia double check my work later in the day.
I now have 3 bags of clothes of donate, but I might have more once I look through what I have in my closet. I have alot of clothes that I do not wear because I am too hot to wear anything other than shorts and tank tops. I am considering giving some of my clothes away.
Harlee's pajamas arrived in the mail, and so did Bella's pj's. A few other things arrived that I have been patiently waiting on. The 50 pack bundle of preschooler books came in the mail yesterday for Harlee.
We had problems with the Wifi on friday, so I called AT&T technical support. Apparently Christinia worked for Comcast at one point, and knew more than the person we were speaking to on the phone, so it was a little frustrating. They mailed us a new modem, but I have been online for about an hour or so and had no problems. I do not know the cause of the problem, but it did not start until Caleb disconnected the modem when he was cleaning. I think the new modem was delivered by Fedex today.
Christinia thought Caleb was causing the Wifi problems with his phone and/or computer, so we took them away to see if the Wifi would stabilize. It didn't all day while Caleb was without his electronics. He will get them back today. I don't like Caleb to be without a phone.
I just lit my favorite candles, a couple sticks of incense, and a sage bundle.
Caleb went to his elderly friend's house, Jerry's to chat.
Christinia took us all out to Jersey Mike's after we went to Walmart, then we went to CVS. I saw my friend, Amanda while walking out of Walmart. I saw my friend, Kate, the manager of the Jersey Mike's here while we were there. I wished them both " Happy Holidays!"
We came home and I needed to take a nap. I laid down and was hurting everywhere in my body, to the bones.
Today is awkward because Christinia is not talking to me. She walked into the kitchen several times without saying a word to me. I did nothing to deserve silent treatment.
Tomorrow Harlee has her 5 year old wellness check up. Later in the week both the kids have dental appointments.
I want to decorate the sign I have on the door. It says "Blessed" and is made of metal. I want to dress it up for Christmas. I want to put lights up outside along the rail of the porch this year.
I was at one point wanting to invite my dad and Dona Sharon over for Thanksgiving, but with each passing day, I realize more and more how bad of an idea that is.
We are being sponsored by the church for our Thanksgiving dinner this year. I am very grateful.
I spent this month's rent payment from Christinia on Christnia and Harlee. I consider it thanks for cleaning my house for me last month. Christinia needed a Winter coat and warm clothes.
I am vaping 6mg nicotine ejuice again. I started when I started the Virta program, so I could reduce my eating urges. Now USPS, DHL, and UPS I think it was are all banning the mailing of e-cigarette-related products. I don't know how much longer I will be vaping because the cheapest \and most worthy ejuices are online.
VA payments and Social Security payments are supposed to increase by 5.9 % next year. I could really use a raise. I have to get myself out of debt.
Caleb and I got haircuts on Veterans' Day. I got mine for free! Thank you Great Clips! I brought home a free haircut coupon for Christinia since she was not awake when I decided to go.
I haven't decided if I am going to cook tonight.
Caleb put on "An American Tale" and I couldn't help but tear up. Mathew and I watched that movie so many times in my grandpa's basement together.
I am stuck around 300lbs. I can't seem to lose weight anymore. I am sure it is because I am eating too much protein.
I am asking my psychiatrist for seasonal anti-depressants. The lack of sunlight is already affecting me.
I was supposed to let my PCP know that I am having memory loss problems, but I forgot to do it yesterday.
I had a shitty day Friday, a productive day Saturday, and a day spent in bed today.
I need to write in this journal more frequently. I am not getting out of bed at 2:00 am anymore.
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