5 Year Journal Day 318

      Today's prompt is " Where do you find pleasure?" Hmm... I like listening to music and singing. I use to like reading books, but now I am so tired that I cannot stay awake to do that. I use to like watching movies, but since I have had seizures, I cannot watch them without feeling weird. The lighting and special effects are too much for me now. I use to love roller skating, but I have lost my balance since gaining weight, and the skating rink I went to in Wilmington has closed. 

     It is Monday morning, 6:24 am, and I have been up since roughly about 4:30. Caleb is awake with me. I took a shower because I could not fall back asleep after waking up. Yesterday was the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Travis stopped by unexpectedly and visited for awhile. We haven't seen him in years. He moved to Bolivia on Saturday, which is not far from here. 

     Not much else happened yesterday. I woke up at 7:00 am to get Caleb up and ready to go to church with Jerry. I wanted to be sure he unloaded the dishwasher and took his medications before he left. Jerry was coming to pick him up at 8:10. Caleb was gone with Jerry all morning, and I went back to bed. I got back up around 11:00. I did not have the motivation to do anything but sit at the dining table, vape, and drink diet Mountain Dew. 

     When Caleb came back home, he cleaned his room and vacuumed some of the floors. I was cooking pork butt in the crockpot in the turkey bone broth, and added cabbage to it once the meat was fully cooked. I had some of this soup for lunch and it was pretty good I thought. Just needed some salt. 

     Travis came over a second time to use the bathroom to shower real quick. Where he moved into did not have the water connected or electricity connected yet. So, he charged his phone while he was here, and drank a ton of water. 

     Last night, Christinia ordered us pizzas from Papa John's. It was good. 

     I have been off my diet since approximately the day before Thanksgiving when I had Italian cookies. My sugar is currently over 200, and my ketones are low again. I ate what my family ate for Thanksgiving, and had leftovers the day after. Christinia cooked the turkey, made instant stuffing and mashed potatoes, and I roasted fresh green beans and broccoli, and cut fresh vegetables to munch on while the turkey was cooking during the day. She also made gravy. We also had cranberry sauce. It was all delicious! I bought Caleb a pecan pie, and Christinia an apple pie. 

     The freezer is not working properly so we moved all the meats to the porch in the hopes that the freezing temperature outside would keep them colder than the freezer where no air was circulating. It looked like the back of the freezer had frozen over, and needed to be thawed out. We tried to thaw it out, but I do not know how to turn off the freezer to do that. I need to call a repairman. I am broke though. 

     We ended up giving all the meats from the freezer to Caleb to use as fishing bait. They completely thawed out while in the freezer and were not looking safe to eat. 

     Our dinner was donated to us by Ocean View United Methodist Church. Without their donations, we would not have been able to afford a turkey dinner for Thanksgiving. 

     Caleb and Christinia put up the white icicle Christmas lights outside the house. Christinia bought us a new Christmas tree because the we lost the stand to the old one , and the new replacement stand did not fit it. 

     I started wrapping Christmas presents, and birthday presents. Christinia's birthday is coming up soon, and Caleb's birthday is New Year's Eve. 

     Bella had turkey mixed with her kibble on Thanksgiving. She devoured her food.

     I have been slowly cleaning up the kitchen since Thanksgiving. I got most of the dishes prewashed and in the dishwasher. I handwashed quite a few dishes too, but I still have the pots and pans to clean. 

     Caleb is drawing a picture for Jerry, the neighbor who is his friend. 

     We do not have much going on today, but I want to clean the rest of the dishes and get some laundry washed. Tomorrow is payday, and hopefully I will be able to call a repairman to fix the freezer. Christinia has an appointment this afternoon, and I might need to go grocery shopping since there are no more leftovers. 

     Last night I had a hard time going to sleep. I was having whole body pain from my fibromyalgia. I asked Christinia to help me apply a lidocaine patch and an Icy Hot patch to my back so some of the pain would be relieved enough for me to be able to sleep. I fell asleep eventually, but I did not stay asleep for long.

      My dad is doing better now that he is out of the hospital. His sugar was over 600 when he went to the hospital, and he was having chest pain. He is on new medication to prevent his heart from palpitating out of rhythm. 

     Thanksgiving was a good day, all day. We all enjoyed being home and being together. I don't remember when, but Harlee and Caleb put together ginger bread houses. 

     Caleb and I took a photo together, wearing matching shirts, in front of the Christmas tree. 

     I shared photos of the lights on the house and the Christmas tree.

     I don't remember what else happened. Oh! I tried some low sugar wine, a Pinot Grigio by Josh Cellars. 

     Friday night I could not sleep, and woke up around midnight. Christinia and I had some White Claw hard seltzers in Black Cherry flavor and stayed up hanging out. We had a good time, but were tired the next day. LOL I haven't had drinks in years. I laughed so hard and so loud I thought I would wake the kids up.

     The light is showing outside. It doesn't look sunny at all yet, but it is no longer dark. I better go check the washing machine and get started on my house work. 

     

     

5 Year Journal Day 317

      Today's prompt is "Did you leave work on time?" I don't work at a job. My job is at home. LOL

     It is now 5:45 am on Thanksgiving Day. I woke up about 40 minutes ago or so. I could not sleep. I was getting too warm. It is supposed to be about 20 degrees outside this morning, so I turned the heat on for the first time this year, and man! Did it stink! Whew!

     Yesterday I tried to clean up the kitchen in preparation for cooking all day today. I did not get as far as I wanted to because I had to take Caleb to his therapy appointment  in the afternoon. I was tired anyway. 

     Caleb's therapy appointment went well. It was productive.

     Christinia cleared off the dining table so we could actually eat at the table. I had piles of papers and my notebooks and my computer there. It was a practically a miracle to me to see it cleaned off! I was paralyzed to cleaning it myself. I don't know why. 

     Christinia is in charge of prepping the turkey. I am cooking the fresh vegetables. She is also making the stuffing and mashed potatoes. We also have 2 pies and ice cream. Unfortunately, our freezer is not working properly and not freezing the things within. We might have to throw away everything I have tried to collect. I don't have enough money to call a repairman right away. I have to wait until payday, and the end of the month. 

     Caleb's room is finally clean so he earned his DVD player back, and was able to go to church with Jerry on Sunday. 

     My church donated a Thanksgiving dinner to us, and that is the only reason we are able to celebrate this year. 

     I went to the endocrinologist the day before yesterday. Traffic was already bad for the coming holiday. I was there for 2 and a half hours!! Poor Caleb waited in the waiting room for me with nothing to do. I was with the nurse for about 30 minutes, and the doctor for about an hour. All that work, and you know what came of it? My problems are caused by being overweight?!! When I told Christinia that, she was pissed! 

     I was getting hungry after the appointment, and Caleb was starving. We stopped at Arby's in Leland, on the way home and had a late lunch. I had a salad with a Greek gyro. I ate the pita. Yep. I am not supposed to eat bread at all, but I said "Fuck it!"

     After that we headed on to Walmart to pick up a roasting pan that Christinia ordered. Then we stopped at KFC to pick the girls up something hot to eat. We were finally able to go home after that, but we ended up going back out shortly after. We had to run to Food Lion to get fresh produce to cook for Thanksgiving before everything was sold out. When we got there, they had already sold out of fresh green beans that were not processed. I bought bags of pre-cut green beans that looked ok though. Christinia has been wanting Italian cookies for awhile and I just have not seen them anywhere, and she said once that she thought I bought them from Publix once. SO...the next stop was Publix! They had them, so I bought 2 packs! She was so happy when I showed them to her. 

     I made an awesome meatloaf the other day that I have been eating ever since. Leftovers are awesome sometimes. 

     My house looks alot better than it did before Christinia moved in. The Christmas tree she bought is lovely and well lit. She put it up as soon as it came in the mail.  We had to throw the old one away because the stand was missing pieces, and the replacement stand I bought did not fit. 

     Today is going to be a good day.

     My dad is out of the hospital again. He went in and found out his sugar was over 600. He was having chest pains. 

     Jerry helped Caleb fix his bike tires.

      The porch is still cleared off and the shed is still cleaned out. The only places that still need cleaning are my bedroom, my bathroom, and the laundry room.

     My mom called yesterday, and I was happy to hear her voice. She was happy to be on her way home early. She was calling wish us a Happy Thanksgiving. 

     

     

5 Year Journal Day 316

      Today's prompt is "What topic are you bored talking about?" The past.

     Yesterday was a productive day for me. Caleb woke me up around 8:30 am. I called my dad and spoke to him for a little while, then did my morning routine. I ate 2 sausage patties, instead of my normal 3 hard boiled eggs. I took my medications, and gave Caleb his medications. Then I went and got the pet vacuum from Christinia's room and began to pet vac the hallway several times over. I picked up alot of sand and dog hair!! I took a short break and began to shampoo the carpet in the hallway one section at a time. It took me all morning to complete it, and my hallway is not very long. 

     I then went and dropped off the clothes that are too small for Caleb to the thrift store that benefits the women and children of domestic violence shelter. We went to Walmart after that to buy more carpet shampoo. I bought Caleb insoles for his shoes since they were hurting his feet. I bought a few other things too while I was there. We came home and I eventually ended up taking a much needed shower. 

    My Granny and Pepere called to touch base with me and find out how we are doing. They were in good spirits as their doctor's office donated them a Thanksgiving turkey. I spoke with Granny about the diet I am on with Virta. She was so proud of the success I have had in getting off insulin and lowering my A1C. She wanted to know more about how the diet worked so she might try it too because she is also diabetic. I was happy to hear from them both. It escaped my mind that I told them in my voicemail that I would try to call them again sometime.  

    I cleaned up the kitchen a little bit and washed a few dishes to prepare to make dinner. I cooked chicken thighs in the oven for dinner. 

     Christinia bought a new fake Christmas tree since we could not find the stand the old one came with, and the replacement stand did not fit. Caleb took all the lights and ornaments from the old Christmas tree the other day and placed the tree outside. The new tree is pre-lit, and so beautiful in the living room now. 

     We had an argument about the status of the living room prior to putting the Christmas tree up. Caleb was supposed to clean the living room before the Christmas tree was delivered, and he didn't. He had a bad attitude and argued with Christinia, and I had to say my piece too. I was supporting Christinia and trying to show Caleb he was wrong. 

     Things are settled now. It's 6:30 am on Tuesday. Caleb apologized to Christinia after he calmed down. 

     I got up around 3:30 this morning because I was too warm and kept having a dry mouth. Caleb got up a little bit after that and started watching the Jim Carey movie The Grinch. 

     There are no appointments today, so it should be pretty easy going. I need to clean up my room, and Caleb needs to clean up his room. I just finished paying the rest of the bills for this month, so that's done. That's really what was on my mind to do for today. Christinia was having trouble sleeping too. She was still awake when I got out of bed. I thought I might be able to clean my work space, but nope. Not today. 

     Today is Taco Tuesday!!! Woop Woop!

     I need to take more photos of Caleb and Bella. I am running low on recent photos of both of them. I am going to start collecting mailing addresses to send out Christmas cards soon.

     Christinia bought me a new Christmas ornament, and it is lovely. It is made of crystals and shaped as the Tree of Life. 

      I bought her ornament yesterday and it should arrive in a few days. 

5 Year Journal day 315

      Today's prompt is "Who is your hero?" I don't know right now.

     It is now 3:52 pm on Sunday. I got up around 9:30 am, and called my dad. After our conversation, I realized what kind of day I was having, and that it would be better off in bed. I ate my 3 hard boiled eggs, and took my medication with Diet Mountain Dew, which I never do. I then went back to bed and covered myself with my weighted blanket, with my comforter over my head and stayed in the dark until about 20 minutes ago. 

     My conversation with my dad was another one of those where he says "I'm not being offensive", but then he is. He was telling me that I attract "trash" in my life. He then proceeded to list the people who were in my life 20 years ago as examples of the trash he was talking about. I'm not exaggerating. He literally talked about my high school boyfriend. I'm 38. When he goes on and on and leaves no room for anyone else to talk... well. What am I to do? The fact that my high school boyfriend was 30-something and worked for my dad part time, at the time, but ended up marrying a drug-addicted prostitute. I guess that's my fault? I don't know but it really wears me down. 

     Then he was talking about my ex-husband as trash. He is trash because he stayed at home collecting my paychecks while I was in the Army. I don't understand why this conversation was even brought up. 

     He is trying to say that Christinia is trash too. That she does not add anything good to my life, and should be kicked out. 

     He talked about how Billy used me when he needed a place to take a shower. How he is a drug-addict and crazy. 

     I don't know why I let the conversation last as long as it did. I don't need his approval. I don't need his permission. I don't feel the need to argue either. I think he feels like he has to say it to me over and over, and like that is going to convince me that Christinia does not belong in my home. He does not know any details of our arrangement. I do not speak of Christinia to him, and he does not know anything more about our friendship than what I told him before. I told him that we were friends while we served in Korea. We were pregnant at the same time, and she gave birth to her son one or two weeks before I gave birth to Caleb. Christinia is the reason that I made it to the hospital the day Caleb was born. She held my hand while I gave birth to Caleb. 

     For some reason, my dad cannot understand the importance of that to me. He can never be pregnant in a foreign country while serving in the Army during a winter storm while living in an off-post apartment alone. 

     I feel like I have been psychologically beaten up today. I want to not live anymore. I'm tired, and that's what drove me to bed. I'm not happy.

     Yesterday there was an explosive incident with Christinia and Caleb. It was about the Christmas lights that Caleb had hung up on the ceiling. While it did look pretty cool, it was a hazard to Harlee who is only 5 and on the Autism spectrum. Christinia asked Caleb if there were any lights hanging from the ceiling to the floor. Caleb answered "No." I do not think he understood the question, or the motive behind asking it. When Christinia came out of the bedroom and saw the lights hanging from the ceiling and plugged into the outlet, she flipped out. I mean she yelled as loud as she could that Caleb lied to her, when she just asked him about the lights hanging from the ceiling. 

     Caleb has ADHD and ODD. He took her yelling for as long as he could before he yelled back and tried to walk away into the back yard. Christinia told him that he would have nothing to do with Christmas lights, or Christmas at all. It really upset Caleb, like it would upset any kid his age. He was crying and I followed him to the back yard. Christinia yelled that Harlee is only 5 and has Autism and likes lights. She also yelled that she could hang herself and die from the lights hanging up from the ceiling.  

     I tried to calm Caleb down, get him to take his night time medications and go read a book to sleep. 

     Meanwhile Christinia is complaining about how she will take care of the lights and clean things up, "like she does everything around here." 

     Let's just say, it was not a fun night, and I could not wait to go to bed. I was tired already. I woke up around 7:30 am and began cleaning the kitchen by loading the dishwasher and hand washing dishes. I tried to get the laundry going in the machines, and sorted out the clean laundry in my room so we can donate Caleb's clothes that are too small for him. 

     Christinia has a habit of sleeping in until the mid-afternoon. I was trying to get her up around 11:00 or so, so I could take her to the bank at Walmart, like she wanted. I also needed a few things from Walmart while we were there. It makes things alot harder than it has to be when people do not live during the same waking hours. 

     I made some phone calls for her while she was sleeping to figure out to do with the information I came across on her ebenefits page. The claim we filed in 2019 was closed the next year with nothing awarded in her favor. I needed to find out how to reopen the claim, so I called the VA hotline. I was told to use a supplemental claim form and mail it in, so I went about looking for the form and filling it out. I did the best I could and had Christinia double check my work later in the day. 

     I now have 3 bags of clothes of donate, but I might have more once I look through what I have in my closet. I have alot of clothes that I do not wear because I am too hot to wear anything other than shorts and tank tops. I am considering giving some of my clothes away.

     Harlee's pajamas arrived in the mail, and so did Bella's pj's. A few other things arrived that I have been patiently waiting on. The 50 pack bundle of preschooler books came in the mail yesterday for Harlee.  

     We had problems with the Wifi on friday, so I called AT&T technical support. Apparently Christinia worked for Comcast at one point, and knew more than the person we were speaking to on the phone, so it was a little frustrating. They mailed us a new modem, but I have been online for about an hour or so and had no problems. I do not know the cause of the problem, but it did not start until Caleb disconnected the modem when he was cleaning. I think the new modem was delivered by Fedex today.

     Christinia thought Caleb was causing the Wifi problems with his phone and/or computer, so we took them away to see if the Wifi would stabilize. It didn't all day while Caleb was without his electronics. He will get them back today. I don't like Caleb to be without a phone.  

     I just lit my favorite candles, a couple sticks of incense, and a sage bundle. 

     Caleb went to his elderly friend's house, Jerry's to chat. 

     Christinia took us all out to Jersey Mike's after we went to Walmart, then we went to CVS. I saw my friend, Amanda while walking out of Walmart. I saw my friend, Kate, the manager of the Jersey Mike's here while we were there. I wished them both " Happy Holidays!"

     We came home and I needed to take a nap. I laid down and was hurting everywhere in my body, to the bones.

     Today is awkward because Christinia is not talking to me. She walked into the kitchen several times without saying a word to me. I did nothing to deserve silent treatment. 

     Tomorrow Harlee has her 5 year old wellness check up. Later in the week both the kids have dental appointments. 

     I want to decorate the sign I have on the door. It says "Blessed" and is made of metal. I want to dress it up for Christmas. I want to put lights up outside along the rail of the porch this year. 

     I was at one point wanting to invite my dad and Dona Sharon over for Thanksgiving, but with each passing day, I realize more and more how bad of an idea that is. 

     We are being sponsored by the church for our Thanksgiving dinner this year. I am very grateful. 

     I spent this month's rent payment from Christinia on Christnia and Harlee. I consider it thanks for cleaning my house for me last month. Christinia needed a Winter coat and warm clothes. 

     I am vaping 6mg nicotine ejuice again. I started when I started the Virta program, so I could reduce my eating urges. Now USPS, DHL, and UPS I think it was are all banning the mailing of e-cigarette-related products. I don't know how much longer I will be vaping because the cheapest \and most worthy ejuices are online. 

     VA payments and Social Security payments are supposed to increase by 5.9 % next year. I could really use a raise. I have to get myself out of debt. 

     Caleb and I got haircuts on Veterans' Day. I got mine for free! Thank you Great Clips! I brought home a free haircut coupon for Christinia since she was not awake when I decided to go.

     I haven't decided if I am going to cook tonight. 

     Caleb put on "An American Tale" and I couldn't help but tear up. Mathew and I watched that movie so many times in my grandpa's basement together. 

     I am stuck around 300lbs. I can't seem to lose weight anymore. I am sure it is because I am eating too much protein. 

     I am asking my psychiatrist for seasonal anti-depressants. The lack of sunlight is already affecting me.

     I was supposed to let my PCP know that I am having memory loss problems, but I forgot to do it yesterday. 

     I had a shitty day Friday, a productive day Saturday, and a day spent in bed today. 

     I need to write in this journal more frequently. I am not getting out of bed at 2:00 am anymore. 

     

     

5 Year Journal Day 314

      Today's prompt is "What time did you go to bed last night?" Before 9:00pm I am sure. 

     Yesterday Caleb woke me up at 7:30 am, and I stayed up all day. We went out to Walmart to exchange a Blu-Ray disc for a DVD disc set of Christmas classic movies that I wanted. While we were there, I picked up a few other things too, like loads of butter. We came home and I went to look in the shed. It was a horrible mess, no doubt because Caleb tore through all my boxes and bags looking for Army stuff. A mattress was sitting on top of boxes of framed art. I was not happy! I immediately had him remove the mattress from the shed and began trying to make sense of what I was looking at. My clothes were all over the floor instead of in the rubbermaid boxes I stored them in. I spent the majority of my day working on cleaning out the shed. I got rid of alot of empty boxes and stuff that didn't need to be saved. 

     Jonathan came over and mowed the front yard for me. I did not want him to do the back yard because I had so much stuff in the yard from the shed. 

     I lost track of time, and when I was a taking a break, Christinia reminded me that Caleb had an appointment to go that afternoon! I had only a few minutes before we had to leave to be there on time. We made it there on time , thank goodness. It was his psychiatrist appointment. 

     After finishing there, I went directly to Food Lion to buy some groceries. If nothing else, I needed to purchase Zero Sugar Dr. Pepper Cream Soda while it was on sale, and broccoli and mushrooms. I ended up buying a rotisserie chicken for our dinner because I was too tired to stand at the stove and cook the sausages I took out of the freezer. 

     We got home, and I began eating right away. I was starving! 

      While we were cleaning out the shed, I had Caleb bring in all the Christmas stuff so we could decorate and use it. 

      I also got a load of laundry dried during the day.

     I went to lay down but could not get comfortable because my skin was bothering me. Christinia was taking a bath, and I was feeling too tired to take a shower anyway. By the time she finished her bath, though, I was more than ready to hop in and wash up. I mean I was just having a time. I didn't realize how much sweating I did during the day. I worked hard , and it was warmer in the shed than outside the shed. 

     Today I am going to clean the kitchen, and finish up the laundry. We don't have any appointments today, so no worries there. I want to work on Christinia's VA disability claim, but I need her help to set up her account again. I don't know why she doesn't have an account any more. I guess it expired. 

     I got up at 5:30 this morning because I was too warm and uncomfortable in my bed. It is now 7:30 am and the sun is up. Tomorrow is Veterans' Day and we are going to go out to eat at Golden Corral in Wilmington for our free meals. 

     I called my dad this morning. He is normally up early to get the free coffee from the motel office. He was talking about my grandpa, his dad, again. I kinda tuned out as I was trying to fix my WiFi connection that kept going out. 

     No one else in the house is awake yet. I don't feel like starting on the kitchen yet. I have not had my breakfast nor my medications yet either. I guess I should do those things first. 

5 Year Journal Day 313

      Today's prompt is "What should remain as-is?" Bella, my dog. 

     Yesterday I woke up at 5:30 am, and began my day. I stayed up until 12:30 pm and then needed a nap. I worked on my financial spreadsheets first. Then I began to sort out the laundry in my room. I have had more than 3 loads of clean laundry in my room, waiting to be sorted for some weeks now. I finally got around to it yesterday. I was able to sort out the clothes that are too small for Caleb in order to donate them. I folded and put away most of the rest. I was able to clear the space against the wall that had been piled up with my junk. Now I can see the carpet. I was able to put away my old Army uniforms that Caleb pulled out of the storage place I had them in. It was a hot mess. My uniforms were all over the place. Now they are safe in one of two duffel bags. I was able to clear one of my shelves to be able to put things there that I wanted there. I got rid of all kinds of boxes, and emptied out quite a few laundry baskets. I filled one trash bag of Caleb's clothes, and one bag of linens. I have another bag that is almost full of stuff to donate. 

     I washed a few loads of laundry too. I now how one load in the dryer and one load in the washer, and then I will be done for awhile. I have alot of stuff that I have collected over time, and never put away. I still have crates filled with things to put away. There is all kinds of stuff under my bed. How did it get there? 

     I organized the towels in the laundry room on the shelving. I put away the blankets, pillow cases, and sheets where they are out of the way. I picked up and sorted as much of the dirty laundry in the laundry room as I could find. It was a pretty good day for me.

     After my nap, I continued with my work with the laundry for a bit. I had dinner early, and took my meds early too. I was still very much tired. I went to sleep before 7:00 pm. I woke up at 12:30 am, and called my dad. I figured he would be up, as he doesn't always sleep regular hours. He was wide awake and gave me the update on his move from one motel room to another. He hired some people to help him move all his belongings from his room to a new room. He has collected so much stuff in the time he has lived there. He was happy to have been able to buy some shelving to store his stuff this time, and organize his things. Now everything  is no longer a mess on the floor. He said they got 95% of the move done, but there is still a little left to move. He was happy that he was able to hire help and get things accomplished. 

     It is now 3:36 am. I have been awake since 12:30 am. I have been drinking Zero Sugar Dr. Pepper Cream Soda, and Zero Sugar Dr. Pepper. I originally got up because I was too warm. I was drinking my gatorade water mixed with Miralax, but it was not taking the gross taste out of my mouth. I decided to get up and have a soda, and I have been up ever since. I'm not tired anymore. 

     I found my crystal collection that has been at the bottom of a drawer by the dining table, and set it on the table. I do not know where I will pace them yet. I found an essential oil blend that I use to like, and put some on my arm. It has kind of a funky smell. It is called "Sacred Scent" by Vitality.

     I don't know hat I will do today. I know Caleb has an appointment this afternoon with his psychiatrist. I know I need to clean up the kitchen and get caught up on the dishes. The laundry washing needs to be continued too. I have been working on moving more of my stuff into my room, where it belongs, instead of leaving it near my chair at the dining table. It is a slow process. I have to make room for all this stuff first. I don't have enough bookcases for all of my books. I like to keep them organized and grouped by topic. 

     I need to go to the grocery store and buy sticks of butter for sure. I have found that this is definitely what is missing from my diet. It may not sound like much, but on keto, fat is the energy source. I have not been adding enough fat to my meals to keep from being hungry. It is alot easier than I thought to just add 1 tbsp of butter to my veggies, and wah-lah! I'm full!

     I had my appointment with Dr. Karels yesterday too. It was a phone appointment about my diabetes and progress made with Virta. It is to bridge the gap between me, Virta, and the VA, and have one person at the VA who is in charge of my diabetes. I told her that I get a weekly summary that includes an estimated A1C. My estimated A1C is between 6.5 and 6.9%. The number to get below is 6.5 to be considered not diabetic anymore. I asked if I could take a lab in the beginning of December to check my A1C, since then it will be 3 months since I have started with Virta. 

     I am now able to quit taking glipizide all together. I am now only on 2 diabetic medications, Metformin, and Victoza. 

     I got my labs back from the labs I took last week. My sodium is still low. Everything looks ok though. I did not have an A1C lab last week. It was to check my magnesium and other things in my blood. 

     Today marks the day that my grandma and grandpa de Mello passed away, one year apart from eachother. I am not sad about it, but my Aunt Lisa is. She was much, much closer to both of them than I was. I thought of them during Dias de los Muertos, the days after Halloween. I do not grieve the loss of them because late in their lives I had very little communication with them. We were so distant, with me trying to raise Caleb by myself, and them trying to manage their finances and healthcare. 

     My dad constantly tells me stories about my grandpa de Mello that are not heart warming. He tells me how when he was a baby, in Brazil, he was left with other family members of the de Mello family. His mother died 3 days after his birth. His mother's family was not allowed to have any relationship with my dad. He says things about how he was treated poorly growing up, and did not have money to buy school lunch. He also was not bought clothes as he was growing up, and burst out of his shorts one day at school for them being too small. He compares the care he received to the care my Aunt and Uncle received and gets upset. He asks, "How could you do that to a baby? a small child? your son?" 

     There are all kinds of stories that he tells me on repeat. I can't help him though because I am not a mental health professional. I don't know how to respond in a way that would help him heal from the things of the past. One of the things that bothers him the most is that my grandpa left the United States to go back to Brazil before he died, and did not let my dad know. He struggles with the way things were between them, and wishes they had a better relationship. My grandpa was absent from most of my dad's childhood and upbringing. 

     In any case, Caleb is doing ok these days. I bought some math workbooks that we are going to use to quiz on. They came in the mail today. I also had to buy a new power cord for his laptop because some how some way he lost the original. I paid for Adventure Academy again this year in the hopes that it would help him learn things in a video game environment on his computer. It allows for repetition without me repeating myself all the time. I am trying to train him to be more resilient and flexible. Not all things are going to happen the way he wants all the time, and that does not mean he gets to act out and throw fits. He has to be able to do more around the house because I cannot keep with his messes. He is not 2 anymore, and I should not be cleaning up after him. He turns 13 this December. 

     Christinia is dealing with depression. She is tired alot. I know how that feels, and I hope she is able to come back to a better place soon. Harlee is ok. She does not  understand that her mom is doing the best she can with her. It's not easy being a single parent. It's not easy for Harlee to be on the autism spectrum. 

     Bella is happy! LOL She loves everybody. 

     I got the bad news that my window unit A/C is done for. I need to replace it before next Summer. It gets too hot here in the Summer. 

     I am looking at my financial spreadsheet and seeing that so far this year I have paid off 5 credit card accounts and 1 payment plan. That's not bad. Unfortunately I have alot left to go. Let's see... I have 15 more credit cards to try to pay off, a car loan, a loan on the shed, and a personal loan to pay off.  Damn! That's alot! 

     Well, I've been up for a long time, and I should try to get some rest. It is now 4:45 am.  

     

5 Year Journal Day 312

      Today's prompt is "Today you made _____." Well yesterday, I made a crockpot meal with round bottom roast, collard greens, cabbage, kale, yellow onions, rainbow colored bell peppers, and seasonings. I mostly used chili powder. It turned out good.

     Today is Thursday and it is 6:58 am here now. I have been up for awhile because I was getting too hot and thirsty. Yesterday I did not wake up with alot of energy or motivation to get things done. Caleb kept waking me up throughout the night because he could not sleep and wanted screen time on his phone. So, I woke up tired. 

     The plan was to wake up around 8:30, have my breakfast of 3 hard boiled eggs, and take my medications. Then give Caleb his medications and drive to the Wilmington VA clinic so I could have my labs done. I was dragging ass all morning, and got a call around 10:00 from my 12:15 pm appointment. She was running early, and wanted to know if it would be ok for her to come over at 10:45, instead of 12:15. I said that would be ok. She was a nurse working for a company that works with USAA life insurance. I applied for a life insurance policy with USAA last week, and having labs done is part of the process. 

     The nurse arrived and I quickly asked if I could relieve my bladder first. She needed a urine sample so I had been drinking my water drink and holding my bladder. She weighed me and measured my height. She took blood samples. Finally she went through and documented my prescription medications. It took only about 10 minutes or so, and we were done. 

     I had the bottom round roast in the crock pot before she came over. I wanted it to cook longer than the vegetables so that it would fall apart, and not be tough. 

     When she left, I was ready to go to the Wilmington VA to have my other labs taken. I told Caleb to get ready and we left. My primary care physician did not tell me what labs needed to be done, so I did not know if I needed to drink more fluids, but I did anyway because I was thirsty.

     I did not have to wait long for my labs to be done there, and then I went to get my flu shot. I was done pretty quickly, and drove back home. 

     I forgot that before we went to the VA clinic, Caleb told me he was hungry, so we stopped at Arby's for lunch. We went through the drive thru, and he ordered his usual. I tried to order a roast chicken salad, ,but they did not have any made, so I bought a rib sandwich and a brisket sandwich. I did not eat the bread because I am still on the Virta diet, strict keto. It tasted good though.

     I handed 2 diet Mountain Dews from my stash to an older black man standing at the traffic light with a small sign. He seemed thankful, even though that is all I had to give him. I did not think about it until it was too late, but I could have given him my sandwich bread. I don't know if he would have wanted it without the actual sandwich meats. 

     When I got back home, I was tired, but needed to add the vegetables to the crock pot before I took a nap. 

     I took a short nap and got back up in time for dinner. Everybody who tried the food, liked it. It was not overly spiced, like some of my creations have been. I got to hang out with Christinia and Harlee for a little while before going back to lay down. 

     I was on fire practically all day. I woke up hot. I had the air conditioner on high while I was driving and it barely made a difference to me. I think it's either because I am going through an early menopause, or my fibromyalgia, or both. 

     I got a nauseous feeling when I turned onto Oak Island drive at the light by the fire department. It was kinda woozy feeling, like a bad omen might feel. I don't know what that was about. 

     I found out that my scale has been lying to me. When the nurse came over and weighed me, she did so on an analog scale. My scale is a digital scale. My scale told me I weighed 284 lbs, yesterday morning. Her scale said 310 lbs!! 

     I got a call from my dad the night before last, and he left a voice mail. He was his normal self on the voice mail, and not being hateful at all. 

     Yesterday my dad called me while the nurse was taking my blood, so I did not answer the phone. I called him back and it seemed like everything was back to normal. Maybe the topic of discussion the other day was what brought out his demons. 

     I started reading The Energy Codes book again. I only made it through the introduction so far. It seems promising. I want to read more, especially when I wake up so early and there is nothing much to do but wait. 

     My dad called last night and we talked about how our days went. He went to the same eye doctor's office in Southern Pines that Dona Sharon went to for her surgery to have an appointment. It is unclear if an eye surgery will help him see because of his complications. It is not just cataracts that he has. Also, he has to be cleared through other doctors about his diabetes and his heart to be able to go through with the eye surgeries. 

     He is trying to get Aid & Attendance from the VA since he needs 24 hour help, but is running into problems with getting his VA doctor to fill out the application appropriately. I don't know what the problem is, but it is frustrating. 

     I am going to do some school work with Caleb this morning, and we are going to go to the pool so I can do my physical therapy this afternoon. I have not been back to the pool since my last appointment with the physical therapist. I have not had extra money to put towards a pool membership, but I mentioned that to my dad, and he is going to pay for our membership cost. 

     Caleb just woke up. It is now 7:39 am here.

5 Year Journal Day 311

     Today's prompt is "When did you last hold a baby?" I think I might have last held a baby at my mom's wedding. It was one of Sherri's babies. 

     Yesterday was a mostly good day. I woke up around 8:00 am and started with my day. I had my hard boiled eggs for breakfast, took my medications, and saw to it that Caleb took his morning medications. I called my dad who did not spend alot of time on the phone with me. I started the dishwasher, and lit some candles. I handwashed the remaining dishes. I asked Caleb to put away the dry dishes first. He was wanting his Xbox back. I took out 2 bags of recycling to the bins outside. The trucks had already emptied them, and Caleb had already brought them back to the house. Caleb went for a "short" walk down the street. When he came back, I was ready to go out. We went to Food Lion to buy some Diet Mountain Dew that we were running low on, and to see what meat was on sale, since all our meat was frozen. I bought a head of cabbage, a bag of shredded collard greens, a bag of cut kale, and 4lbs. of carne picada. We came home and I began cooking in the crockpot. Once I was caught up on getting dinner prepared, I began to clean the surfaces of the cooking spaces I use. It was getting late in the day and I was getting tired. I put on some music to help me get my work done. Caleb was asking for his Xbox all day. I told him to go out and wash the Mazda windows with glass cleaner and paper towels. He did not use paper towels like I told him and instead of cleaning the windows, just spread the dirt. 

     Dinner was beginning to smell good. The dishwasher was done with its cleaning cycle. I tried to call my dad again, but he did not answer the phone. Caleb dried the dishes from the dishwasher and emptied the dishwasher. When dinner was ready, I made everybody a dish. I thought it was good, but Christinia said there was too much ginger. 

     I had already taken a shower, dry and cooled off, and put on some clean clothes. I told Caleb he needed to take a shower too. I asked Caleb to put his belongings out of the living room chair and into his room. I also asked him to break down the boxes by the door and put them in the recycling bins where they belong. 

     I got the laundry started and started checking my planner for needed updates. I made calls to make appointments for both Caleb and Christinia in the morning. I also finally wrapped Harlee's presents. Her birthday is today. I bought her a set of stuffed puppies. I made more hard boiled eggs so I would have my breakfast ready this morning.

     I had a long talk with Christinia that was positive and helpful. Unfortunately I had to apply what I had just learned right away when Caleb wanted more screen time on his phone, but I wanted him to relax in quiet and go to bed. 

     He got angry and frustrated and loud. I held my peace, although I got loud too. Christinia stepped in to help, but I stepped up to regain control of the situation. 

     My dad called me while I was in the middle of talking with Christinia. I pressed the mute ring button so she could finish telling me what she needed to tell me. I called my dad back later, and I wish I hadn't.

     My dad loves to talk about his past, even though it was not rainbows and butterflies. He also loves to bring up my past and all the mistakes he sees that I made. Let's just say that I was not feeling like being around him nor Dona Sharon after our one-sided conversation. He just went on and on about how fucked up I am and have been. He gave examples of not only my mistakes, but Mathew's, and my mom's, and my grandpa's. Some of the things he spoke about are none of his business. His opinion should not matter because of his position in our lives at the time. Does he think he is God? Like I owe my existence to him because he is my dad? Even though he abused me? 

     Life has changed over the years. I just took Dona Sharon to her eye surgery appointments that took all week. I just went and picked my dad up from the hospital a few days ago. I mean, what reality do they live in? They both blame me for losing everything they had, but it was not my fault my dad choked my 10 year old son on 2 different occasions and it got reported. How is that my fault? Here's what they believe. They believe that I am a bad parent to Caleb, and that led to my dad getting physically violent with a 10 year old boy who has ADHD and ODD who happens to be his grandson. 

     When the police questioned him about assaulting a boy under 12 twice, they both responded that he deserved it. 

     One of the biggest mistakes I have made is inviting them to live with me on 2 separate occasions. On both occasions they were escorted by police out of my living space. As a matter of fact my dad probably still has warrants for his arrest for assaulting my son. Yet he blames me for not even having a belt to wear to court when we went. How is that my fault? 

     My dad is crazy and there is no other way to put it. He threatened to blow up Social Services and shoot people as they run out. 

     It's easy to get along with my dad when he is not angry, but when he is angry...he gets physically violent and scary.

     My dad broke my brother's nose, Mathew. He had to have it repaired as an adult in the Army. Mathew no longer speaks to my dad, and it's probably because he assaulted Caleb and he doesn't want him around to do that to his kids. 

     I'm going to have to let my dad go. The hopes that we could have a healthy relationship are gone. 

     I'm 38, and to bring up a relationship I had while I was in high school is just the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. What relevance does that have to my current being? What relevance do any of my past relationships have to my current being for that matter? And he brought every one up that he could remember. Emotional abuse is what that is. I was crying when I hung up the phone. I lied and said that the phone battery was dying so I could hang up. 

     I am not dead yet, and he is no Saint Peter. 

     I have asked for forgiveness when needed, from the source I believe to be in power over all of us. I have been a Christian Witch since elementary school. 

     I do not believe that I am deserving of this kind of talk. I began to dissociate during the discussion. I could not even say a word because he never stopped talking. Apparently my words aren't important, for one reason, or another. 

     Here I am with all these self-help books, and courses, along with therapies trying to do my inner work, and this person that I call my dad is dumping his shit right on top of me. I am not here to live up to anyone else's expectations, including my dad's. 

     Why does my dad feel the need to bring up hurtful things everyday? He lives in an existence that I cannot imagine being in. He needs therapy badly. I should not be listening to these things over and over. How is that helpful? I feel like I am going through the same things I was going through before. I feel like if I went back in my blog, I would find that I have written these very same things before, and am now writing them again. 

     I have to pick myself back up, dust myself off, and re-center. I will not call my dad today. I have made that decision. I will not answer his calls today either. 

     Anyway, Halloween was a good night for us. We met up with another homeschool family and went trick-or-treating together in South Harbor. The kids got lots of candy, and I had a hot dog from the church with chili, slaw, and onions on it! Bangin'! Yeah, I wasn't supposed to eat that, but.... I couldn't resist. 

     My scale is not telling me the truth. I am supposed to weigh in every morning, and sometimes it tells me 312, sometimes it's 302, and sometimes it's 294. How am I supposed to know what I weigh? 

     My sugars have been regular lately. I am having trouble staying in ketosis for some reason. I am not completely sure why. I have to pay more attention to what I eat and how much I eat. I know I am eating the right things on a daily basis, but I may be overeating. 

     Today is Harlee's birthday. She turns 5! We are going to go get her a small cake later on today. It is only 6:41 am now. I have been up since 4 something. I just couldn't sleep. 

     Later on today someone is coming to fix the window unit air conditioner because it keeps turning itself off. I know it is the circuit breaker on the unit that is doing it, I just don't understand why it is doing it, or how to make it stop.

     Tomorrow I have to go to the Wilmington VA to have a lab done. It's not a fasting lab, so I will likely go later in the morning, after breakfast and meds are down. 

     Thursday I want to go to the pool, if I can afford a membership this month. I need to be doing my physical therapy. It is very helpful in relieving pain being in the water. 

     I was going to ask my dad and Dona Sharon over for Thanksgiving, but now I see that is a bad idea.