5 Year Journal Day 343

      Today's prompt is " Who do you miss?" I miss Mathew, Eric, and Sherri, my siblings. 

     It is Monday morning and 0310. Yesterday was Easter Sunday, and a busy day for me. I woke up at 0700, and took my medications. I gave Caleb his medications, and then did my 1 mile walk on the incline trainer. I increased my speed slowly from 2.0 mph during the first lap, to 2.1 mph the second lap, to 2.2 mph during the third lap, and finally 2.3 mph during the final lap. It is the fastest I have gone so far without hurting myself.

     I rested and cooled off, then went to take a shower. I got dressed in my new pants that I got from Torrid. They are moisture-wicking, "camping pants", that fit like leggings, and have lots of pockets. These pair are camouflage, and I love them! It was my first time shopping at Torrid so I did not know if I would like how the clothes fit on me.

     While I was cooling off, I did some online shopping. I bought a new laptop because the one I am currently using is slow. I bought the first 2 DVDs of Fantastic Beasts too. I bought us some Bath & Body works supplies on sale, and I also bought a box of 12 bottles of wine directly from Fit Wine. I also bought some household items from Amazon.

     I decided to wear my hair down, and when I went looking for my hair product, realized that a big bottle had spilled into my drawer. I cleaned it up, and used a styling product in my hair for the first time in a long time, maybe years. 

     I then wanted to cook bacon. I cooked about 3 or 4 pans of bacon in the oven at 425 degrees, 1 pan at a time.  Then I used the bacon grease to cook vegetables in. First I cooked collard greens in the bacon grease pan in the oven, then brussels sprouts, and then broccoli. By the time I put broccoli in the pan, there was hardly any grease left! I had to add a stick of butter to the pan to cook the broccoli in fat. 

     After I took a break, Caleb and I went outside to plant some of the plants I ordered from Zulily. I planted the 3 biggest gardenia plants I bought first. It was alot of bending over, and I had to stop after that.

     After another break, I decided to wash Bella. She was overdue for a bath, so I brushed her as much as I could to prep her for a bath. Christinia helped me get her in the bathtub, and Caleb helped to prep the bath area so I had what I needed to complete the job. When I was done scrubbing away, she was a clean puppy! Caleb dried Bella off after I tried to dry her off.

     Then Christinia and I began drinking some Fit Wine, low sugar, keto-friendly wine.

     Later I decided to water the gardenias, and vacuum the hallway with the pet vac.

     And that about summarizes my day! My mom wished us a Happy Easter. I wished my dad a Happy Easter, by texting Dona Sharon, but she never replied. 

     Saturday I woke up and took my meds, and gave Caleb his meds and then did my 1 mile walk. I hand washed the dishes, because I scrubbed the drain of the dishwasher with bleach and ran it to clean it. Caleb and I went to CVS to get his medications, and then went to the nearby Lowe's Foods. We did some grocery shopping and I looked to see what meats were on sale. The standing ribeye roast was on sale and so were the hams. All the hams were pre-glazed, so I couldn't eat them even if I wanted to. The standing rib roast was over $60, and I just couldn't pay that for one meal's meat. I bought everyone candy though, including myself. I found the sugar-free chocolates, and the Keto chocolate bars! I bought the family a plate of holiday cookies too. I found low-acidity tomatoes for Christinia to try.

     Caleb and I drove from there to Food Lion, where I knew the ribeye steaks were on sale. I decided to look up low sugar wine, while I was there, and that's when I found the Fit Wine Pinot Grigio. It was pretty good too.

     I came home and roasted some red and yellow bell peppers, and cooked the steaks for dinner. Christinia mistakenly thought is was Sunday, and gave the kids their Easter baskets. LOL

     I went through my bills to see what had changed. I recently got a message that one of my accounts was close to the limit. I was confused, because I paid off all my credit cards as soon as the wire cleared from my refinancing the house. I must not have hit the submit button because one account was not paid off. I had to check all my other accounts to make sure they were ok. They were. 

     Oh! Also, Caleb and I went through all the books I ordered and took them out of the boxes and organized them in the morning. 

     Friday was Good Friday. I called my Granny and Pepere to check on them. Pepere was in the hospital and I wanted to make sure he made it home. I wished them a Happy Easter. 

     Thursday we went to the movie theater for my birthday to see the new Dumbledore movie, a Fantastic Beasts movie. We left early because it was alot for me to process, hard for Harlee to stay quiet, and too cold for Christinia. I told Caleb we would buy the movie on DVD, because I saw the look of disappointment on his face that we were leaving. 

     Earlier on Thursday I did my walk, took a shower, and put on a dress! We took the clothes we were donating to the thift shop, then went to return the clothes I did not want to Fedex that I ordered from Roaman's. I put gas in the Mazda on the way, and after the Fedex stop, we went to CVS to pick up Caleb's medications. I thought his Guanfacine was ready, but it was his prescription tooth paste, and I was upset. I have been calling to have Caleb's Guanfacine order put in all week, and it still wasn't received by the pharmacy! 

     I went to Food Lion before going home, and bought ingredients for a salad and a few steaks on sale. I bought chicken tenders for Christinia to eat for lunch, potato wedges for Harlee, and fried chicken for Caleb.

     Hmmm... I don't remember much about Friday. I know I did my walk, but that is about all I can remember. 

     I have not heard from my dad, nor Dona Sharon since the conversation that ended with my dad saying he needed his Dodge Ram back, after I told him I could not add him to my credit card accounts. They did not even say Happy Easter back to me. I guess I know where I stand now. 

     Today is Monday and sets the pace for the rest of the week. I told Caleb that as long as it is not raining, we will do some more planting. I have to pace myself and do a little bit each day until it is done, or I will be in pain. I also want to go through my wardrobe and give about half of my clothes away. They are taking alot of space, I have never worn them, and do not plan on wearing them. I want to clean my room again so I can pet vac the floor. Christinia is putting up shelves for me to put my crystals on in my room. We will be donating the sofa and the matching chair this week. A bookcase will be moved from the living room to my bedroom, and then I will be able to put most of my new books away. I might have to give some old books away to make room for the new books. I have to catch up on the laundry, and the kitchen always need to be cleaned. I have done the grocery shopping several times over, and do not think I will need to go for a few days. My closet ceiling is due to be finished this week. Caleb has his therapy sessions and schoolwork to do too. I have my walking and blogging to do. 

5 Year Journal Day 342

      Today's prompt is "Do you want to know how it ends?" I'm not sure I want to know.

     Yesterday was a rough day. I woke up around 0900, which is late for me. I was slow and tired when I woke up. I took my meds and gave Caleb his meds. The Lowe's windows contractor came over and measured windows. I had planned to walk and take a shower, but I couldn't get started. I had my last therapy appointment with Mr. Dillon from the VA. He is leaving for a new job elsewhere. I hate that. He was not at the VA for very long. I had only had 5 sessions with him, and we just started on my treatment plan. I spoke with him via video about how I felt about my dad requesting that I "help" him by adding him to my credit accounts. I told him I felt like I was being manipulated and taken advantage of. I told him that I wanted to say no, but I was scared of the consequences. My dad has known to be abusive and to get violent. I do not feel comfortable adding anyone to my credit card accounts for any reason. It makes me anxious and stressed the fuck out. I also told Mr. Dillon that it does not seem like an appropriate request from a father to a daughter. Ever since my birthday, that morning conversation has been running through my head. Where he says "Happy birthday again, don't forget about me, Happy birthday again, I love you." Yeah. Alot of pressure from him to add him to my credit card accounts to raise his credit score so he can move out of the motel. I don't understand why he thinks it is normal to ask me something like that. 

     Then Caleb had the longest dental appointment ever. He had his teeth cleaned, x-rayed, and 2 fillings put in. 

     When I got home, Caleb was suppose to clean his room because Christinia checked on it, and it was in bad condition. I opened up some packages that UPS delivered, and my dad called. I knew he was going to ask me again, whether or not I "helped" him. I told him I could not do that, and was silent. I did not explain myself at all. His voice changed and he said something like , "Well I need you to give me my car back then." I was confused, and asked what car? He said his Dodge Ram. His Dodge Ram was towed away due to not being driveable and left in my front yard after he was forced to move out by the police after assaulting my son twice. If that is not enough to walk away from my dad, I don't know what is. 

     I am planning on going to pick up my Volvo and have it owed to the dealership. I am not going to stay and hang out like I originally planned, because now I do not want to spend time with him. If it meant so much to him, why did he not ask Dona Sharon, whose credit score is over 700, to do it? She is his partner. I am his child. 

     Just like he keeps asking me to fix his credit karma account so he can log in. I can't. It is not within my power. Dona Sharon has to unlock her email account somehow to reset his credit karma password. He hounds me about stuff that is not within my ability to do. It has been stressing me out. Like I really need any more reasons to stress out. 

     I decided to call my Granny, my mom's mom, to find out about how Pepere is doing. He was taken to the hospital on Friday. Hopefully he will be coming home soon. 

     I got a message from Sandra Waters, my mom's cousin, on Facebook. We are linked on Ancestry.com, which is pretty cool.

     Christinia made keto peanut butter cookies for me last night. 

     Tuesday, Pride Restoration came over and began the work on the ceiling where the roof had leaked before it was replaced. I had to take everything out of my closet, and came to the conclusion that I have more stuff than one person needs. I collect clothes for "just in case" scenarios. Just in case I go to church, a wedding, a funeral, a party, court, etc. I already gave most of my shoes away. I gave alot of my clothes away already too, but maybe I need to thin out what I have hanging in my closet. Especially if I am never going to use any of it.

     We went to Taco Bell for late lunch/early dinner. I was so happy to be going. It is not on my diet, and I have not been since they changed their menu, over a year ago.  

     Monday was my 39th birthday! We went out to eat at the Chinese buffet in Wilmington. The food was horrible. I spent the ride to Wilmington getting things about the conversation I had with my dad off my chest. The ride back from Wilmington, Caleb and Christinia napped. 

     I got most of the dishes washed while the ceiling was being fixed in my closet. I handwashed the pots and pans and loaded the dishwasher to run it. I almost got all the laundry washed before I quit. 

     This week has been Hell for me so far. I have not been sleeping well, and waking up tired. I have wanted to stay in bed, but I have things I have to do. Tuesday, I had whole body pain and went to bed early, but I woke up every couple of hours. Caleb woke up too, and woke me up several times in the wee morning. I have not been walking since last week when I walked the 3% incline for the whole mile and apparently hurt myself. The after effects were ...you guessed it, pain. So, I needed to recover. 

     Today is Thursday. I have an appointment with occupational therapy by phone this afternoon, and Caleb has a therapy appointment after that. I have to go to donate Caleb's clothes that are too small, stop by Fedex to return my clothes that I ordered and do not want. Then I have to go put gas in the Mazda and stop by CVS to get Caleb's medication. Later, I have to go to Walmart to get Christinia's medication. We have tickets to see the new Dumbledore movie tonight too. 

     I thought I had alot more to say about the conflict with my dad, but I guess not. I have verbalized enough. I am in the acceptance phase where I accept whatever happens, and am going to react accordingly. If I am treated badly, I will break ties with my dad. Saying no to him was one of the hardest things I have ever done. My inner child is happy and healing. I cannot fix my dad, and he does not work on himself. I am constantly growing and changing to get better and feel better. I can't carry him on my shoulders anymore. 

5 Year Journal Day 341

     Today's prompt is "On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you?"  I am at a nine right now. I am not in alot of pain, and I am wide awake. It is 0430 on Sunday morning, and no one is awake. I am washing laundry, and just relaxing at my computer. 

     

      Yesterday I wanted to take the kids to an Easter Egg Hunt but because I took 2 delta 9 gummies the night before, I could not go anywhere. It was wayyyy too much. I stayed in bed most of the day. I did manage to continue washing the laundry. I also handwashed the pots and pans and loaded the dishwasher. I washed the countertop and stove top and made ribs and salad for dinner. It wasn't a complete waste of a day, but we missed out on all the fun at the horse ranch.

     Today I am going to continue washing the laundry, and sorting out the stuff that is not being used and/or is too small for Caleb, to donate. I need to be able to spray the house with bug spray today. I might be able to get Caleb to help me clean up my bathroom since he did such a good job cleaning the floor in the hallway bathroom yesterday. I want to move this bookcase from the living room to my room so I can have a bunch of books in my room. We are having the Habitat for Humanity Restore pick up the sofa and the matching chair in a couple weeks. That will clear alot of space. I am going to clean the rug I had in my room, and perhaps lay it down in the living room after I clean the carpet. Spring cleaning is getting done, and we are making progress. It feels good to get the house cleaned up after the winter. 

     I took a shower last night and still feel clean. It is a good feeling not to have sweat and body oils on me. I noticed I had a yeast infection under my left breast. I have to start taking more regular showers now that I am walking.

     I have not walked in a few days, and have been off my diet for a few days too. I am going to get back on my diet and my walking routine. I just got the clothes I bought to walk in last week. The bra and leggings I tried on are very comfortable. I hope the rest of the clothes fit the same. 

     Friday I gave away most of the shoes in my closet. I also gave alot of clothes away that I will no longer wear. I am no longer saving clothes for me to lose weight to be a size 6 anymore. I am not going to work, so there is no need for office shoes. Clothing styles will change before I get down to 145 lbs. again. I will be wearing diabetic shoes for the rest of my life. If  my clothes can't fit in the drawers I created for them, I have too much! 

     Most of the flooring in my room is vacuumed up and it feels so much better to be in my room now that it is cleaner than it was. 

     My birthday is coming up tomorrow. I will be 39 years old.  

     Bella needs a good bath. I have been meaning to wash her, but I get tired before I get to it. 

     I gotta check the meats I thawed out in the fridge to see what we can have for dinner. 

     Michal is spending the month if April in Jerusalem with her daughter in preparation for her daughter's wedding. I have not been doing much Reiki lately. I start my Master Class in Reiki in May.

     Caleb is on restriction for 2 weeks starting last Thursday. He was caught with my laptop in his room, and admitted to watching porn on my computer. We discussed it when Simone came to the house for therapy. 

     I am having trouble getting Caleb's refills for his meds this month. I do not understand what the problem is between Ms. Kathy and CVS. 

     I reached out about the getting the windows replaced, but never got a call back from Michelle at Lowe's. I reached out about getting the mold removed from my closet where the roof was leaking, and paid my deposit, but no one called to make an appointment to do the work. I want to make sure I get the discount on the windows, and that ends on April 15th. I want to plan for the cabinets , but I think I might be taking on too much at one time. Christinia helped me pick out a stove on Friday, and that will be delivered in a couple of weeks. We need that installed before we do the cabinets, and need the cabinets done before the kitchen floor can be done. 

     The bathroom in the hallway needs the flooring replaced too, but I want to see if the same floor that is being used for the kitchen is available to buy still. I am not sure about that. I want it to match though.

     I went to the bathroom and weighed in for the day. I weighed in at 299.6lbs!

     I had to move the laundry around. I have 2 loads of clean clothes to sort through. I have nothing but blankets and towels to wash now. Everything else is either being washed, or has already been washed. 

     So last week, I got the oil changed and the tires replaced on the Mazda. The next day I got an alignment on the Mazda. The Mazda is no good to go. I can't wait to be able to say the same thing about the Volvo. I hope it doesn't take too long to fix it. 

     We are talking about taking Caleb to Washington, D.C. for a few days. I am in the planning phase now. My dad wants to go, which means extra driving for us to pick him up and drop him off. There are alot of places to see, and I want to prioritize with everybody which places come first and absolutely have to go to. That way, we see what we want, even it we don't get to go everywhere.   

     Christinia wants to have an Easter egg hunt at home since we missed the one yesterday. We will likely go to Walmart together today. I am feeling much better today than I was yesterday. 

     I am ready to do the rest of my morning routine now. Gotta take meds and do a Reiki session. 

      

5 Year Journal Day 340

       Today's prompt is "What details from today would you like to remember?" I would like to remember the team work between Christinia and me today.

      It is now 1231 on Friday. Yesterday I woke up at 0700 when my alarm went off , took my medications, and gave Caleb his medications, and began to work on cleaning my room. Yesterday was day 2 of cleaning my room. Most of the trash was taken out on Wednesday, and a good deal of the clothes was put away too. Yesterday I decided to give away my shoes that I may never wear. They are currently too small for my feet, and I feel I will wear diabetic shoes for the rest of my life. Also, I bought those shoes in 2013 or shortly after, thinking I would need them to go to work in. I will never work again. Most of the shoes are brand new with tags. I am donating them to the Hope Chest Thrift Store, where the profits benefit women and children of domestic violence. I also decided to donate my purses that I will never use. My closet is getting cleaned out! I vacuumed alot of my floor, and emptied a number of baskets. I think I will be done in a couple of days. I am making room to move a bookcase from the living room to my bedroom.  

     I am not only cleaning my room for my own good, but also because people will be working in my closet to remove the mold growing on the ceiling from where the roof was leaking.

     I will feel so much better in a clean room!

     I also worked on getting caught up on the laundry. 

     Later in the day we had a situation where I realized that Caleb had my laptop. I wasn't happy, and Christinia took over how things went, in a clear and calm manner. He is now on restriction for 2 weeks. Caleb had therapy yesterday, and we worked as a team throughout his appointment. We had a table talk as a family. It was even more productive with Christinia present and verbal. 

     I went to bed early after taking my night time medications. I have been off my diet for about 2 days now, maybe 3. I need to get back on it. Wednesday night I ordered Domino's pizza. I get so stressed out about this diet. It's hard to do because I have to cook all my own food. I cannot go out to eat very many places when I am tired and need to eat. So... I kinda gave up for a few days. I stopped walking too. I am using all my energy to clean my room. It was in a complete  state of disarray.  Caleb left crumbs all over the floor and even under the bed. Trash was all over the floor. It was not reflective of me. Now, even though I am not done yet, I feel better about my personal space. I bought a 4 drawer chest of drawers from Walmart, along with a few smaller bins to organize the stuff that I had kept in boxes due to just not having anywhere to put all the things I ordered. I have alot of hair products! 

     This is all a part of my Spring cleaning effort. I want to clean everything now that the season is changing and there is so much more light shining on the dust everywhere! LOL I am moving furniture around and making new spaces for things that are in boxes right now. I have more stuff coming in the mail, so I am making room for that stuff too.

     I bought alot of plants for the yard that Caleb and I will plant soon. Alot of them have arrived earlier than expected. It is going to be great!

     Jonathan Weaver mowed the grass for us this week, and is helping us get rid of excess shipping boxes and junk. I really appreciate him. 

     My birthday is coming up soon. I will be 39 years old this year! Already Christinia has showered me with gifts. She is even making a special keto recipe of cake pops for my birthday! We are all going to see the new Dumbledore movie on the 14th. Maybe we will go out to the Hibachi Japanese Steak House this weekend too. I am wearing a shirt Christinia bought for my birthday. It says " I solemnly swear that I am up to no good!" LOL I love Harry Potter movies. 

     Christinia and I got new tattoos on Wednesday. They are both ";I.G.Y.6" tattoos, done by Paul at Inklanation.

     I bought new storage bins to put the stuff in the kitchen cabinets in when they come to rip out the old cabinets and install the new cabinets. 

     I called about replacing the windows and never got a call back. I wonder why. I will be ready to let people in the house once I clean it up. I am mostly concerned with my bedroom and my bathroom. 

     I have decided to move my old bed into Caleb's room. It is currently in the shed and taking a lot of space up. I was holding it for my dad, but Caleb needs a new bed now, and I do not want to pay for a new bed. 

     I have to clean out the shed too. We did a good job last time, but I guess Caleb just threw stuff in the shed after we organized it, and now it is a mess and we cannot put more stuff in there even though there is room. 

     I received my workout clothes from Torrid and Lane Bryant and am happy so far. I have only tried one new bra and one leggings, but I really like them and hope they will be good for working out in. 

     Caleb helped me buy a new window unit air conditioner, and 12 bags of cow manure! He also was there with me when I bought the wrong size stove. LOL oops! I have to go back and buy a different stove. Good thing I realized it before it was delivered. Anyway, the stove needs to be replaced. It was the only appliance that I did not replace when I moved in the house, because it was the only appliance that was here and worked. Besides, I did not have alot of money when I moved in, and already had to replace the fridge, dishwasher, washer, and dryer. 

     We got the oil changed and tires replaced on the Mazda, and then on another day got the alignment done. The Mazda is up to date on services now. I just have to wait to tow the Volvo to the dealership in Wilmington until the 10 day period has passed for the AAA membership to start. 

     I have been talking about taking Caleb to Washington D.C. for a few days to see what there is to see there. It's going to take some planning, but I definitely think it is worth the effort. 

     We had a few rough nights with thunderstorms and I couldn't be more grateful for the new roof. Things were flying into the house and it created all kinds of noise. Bella was scared, as she is scared of thunder. Thank you so much Monarch Roofing.

     I have gotten compliments on the new garden border and walkway. Thank you too Elite Borders.

     Things are finally starting to come together, and the regular stress I feel for not being able to handle all these upkepp and maintenance issues are subsiding with the new ability to catch up, and correct what needs to be corrected. Thank you too Veterans United Home Loans. I couldn't move forward without having gotten the cash-out refinance loan. 

     I have not been regular with my Reiki practice. I need to add it to my schedule. I have been so tired in the morning lately. I am not having my regular sessions with Michal this month because she is going to Jerusalem for her daughter's wedding. I do, however have a Reiki session with Dawn on my birthday! 

     Oh so, I am not sure if I mentioned that one of my tragus piercings tore. Yeah. I didn't even feel it, I just felt the jewelry fall. Kayla at Inklanation is an apprentice and did the piercing. When JD saw it, he told me what went wrong and he re-pierced my tragus for me. Both my tragus and my septum are still healing with my septum being the most painful to dela with. I like piercings and wonder what I may get next! LOL

     My nails are breaking even though I cut them short. They are weak from washing dishes and I need to strengthen them somehow. 

     I am growing my hair long again, and wore my hair down for the first time in a long time the other day. I no longer want to color it because I don't want to damage it. 

     It is 0124 now and I guess I should be going back to bed. 

5 Year Journal Day 339

      Today's prompt is "What would you like your epitaph to read?" I would like it to read, "Soldier Medic, Warrior Spirit." Only 68W's will get it.

     It is now 0312 on Monday morning. I got up because I wanted chocolate really badly and knew where I could get some. I did not eat it. I came out here and drank a Diet Mountain Dew instead and started working on my computer. I had to update my spreadsheets that collect my health data from day to day. I have a spreadsheet with my weigh-in, glucose readings, and ketone readings on it by week, and a spreadsheet with my blood pressure readings on it by 2 weeks. I have different doctors that need different data, but it is important for me to keep up with all of it in one safe space. 

     Yesterday, Caleb and I woke up around the same time. I got up at 0700 when my alarm sounded. He woke up shortly after that. I was slow to take my medications, and give Caleb his medications. I woke up in a bad mood. I don't usually wake up angry. I did not sleep well, and did not want to get out of bed, but knew I wanted to get things done. I had a long list of chores that needed to be done. 

     Saturday I woke up at 0300, and Caleb woke up shortly after that. We stayed up all day. We took our medications in the morning, and I don't remember how I passed the time. I do know I got my walk done. We went to Lowe's to buy some needed supplies to do yard work. I also bought a new stove. Unfortunately, it was the wrong size, and I have to cancel the order today, and pick out a different one. I bought a window unit air conditioner too, and 12 bags of cow manure to plant the plants that are on the way in the mail. I cleaned the worst part of the hallway carpet, and then I was done for the day. I made trout and shrimp and okra for dinner. Christinia doesn't eat seafood, so it was just Caleb and me. 

     I went into Sunday knowing that I still had to clean the kitchen, clean the carpet over again, put my books away, clean my room, and clean my bathroom. Yeah. I did not do any of that in Sunday. Caleb and I went to Walmart and bought storage and organization containers for my room, so I could clean up the clutter. We also bought chips, cookies, and Diet Mountain Dew for everybody (except me of course). 

     When we got home, Christinia was awake, and Harlee woke up shortly after. A big scene was made over Caleb putting his blanket in the dirty clothes, and odd items like his book and trash being mixed in with his dirty laundry. Christinia was the one washing the laundry, so naturally, it became a big deal between Caleb and Christinia. It is really ridiculous. 1) Caleb gets out of hand when you yell at him, so don't yell at him. Pretty simple. Most adults can communicate without yelling. I don't even want to go into the details of how this played out. When Christinia stormed off to her room, Caleb came out of his room and we had a talk. 

     After talking for awhile. Caleb became upset with tears in his eyes because he "trusted her with his life." If something happens to me, he wanted her to take care of him, but now doesn't. He wants her to leave our house. He says she is abusive towards him. 

     Caleb and I were having a good day up until then.

     I was exhausted and needed to rest, and so I went to bed for a time. I got nothing else done throughout the day. I was worn the fuck out. I had so much more to do, and could not do it. Caleb woke me up in time to check my glucose reading and take my night meds. I did not cook anything. I just had some ham and cheese. 

     Today I hope will be better. I have 2 appointments today. I might start off early by going to Walmart at 0800 to get my oil changed. I need new tires too, but that might have to wait for another day. My first appointment is with Autism Behavior Institute. It is a phone call appointment that will help me get services for Caleb, now that he has a diagnosis. The second appointment is a video call with VA Speech Therapy regarding my memory issues. 

      I have to cancel the stove order from Lowe's today, and purchase a different model. I still have chores to do, and I have to make time to teach Caleb some basic math and language skills. I am trying to figure out the best way to reorganize the furniture in the house , so that the windows will be accessible to the people putting in new windows, and the kitchen will be accessible to the people bringing the stove, and the people putting in new cabinets.

     Caleb therapists will schedule his appointments later today for this week. Other than that, I have no other appointments this week yet. I am waiting to hear from Pride Restoration when they can come and fix the water damage down by the leaking roof. I have to wait 10 days after I got my AAA membership to use the towing service. I went ahead and already got the replacement registration card with sticker, so that is ready to go. Once the 10 days is up, I will go to Lumberton with Caleb and have the Volvo towed to the dealership in Wilmington. My dad believes the trouble is with the alarm system. I still have not gotten confirmation that the medication prescription from Dr. McGarrity was received at the Wilmington VA pharmacy, not that I want to take it. 

     Yesterday I took two different Autism Screening tests for Adults, and both showed that I have Autistic traits, and AM on the Autism Spectrum. I forwarded the screen shots to my psychiatrist at the VA to try to get help getting a formal diagnosis on record. 

     It is now 0352. I don't know if I will continue to stay awake or go back to bed. I am not really tired, but my body aches. I got a new bright light bulb for my room at Walmart yesterday. Now I can see, even if it is dark outside! I mean really see, not this dim light nonsense. I can clean when I want to now. I don't have to wait until the sun is out if I don't want to, or rush to finish before the sun sets. 

     I think I will do my Reiki practice now.

5 Year Journal Day 338

      Today's prompt is "Today you almost ____." Today I almost went to Lowe's to buy soil to plant my Gardenias and tree. I also wanted to shop for a new stove, yard work tools, lightbulbs, and ceiling fan.

      It is Saturday morning and it is 0400. Caleb and I are both awake. It is a new moon tonight. I have not been sleeping well, and got up about an hour ago. I am really thirsty this morning. 

     Yesterday I got my Reiki Master book for my upcoming class in May! I am super excited!

     Yesterday was a very busy day. I woke up at 0700, took my medications, gave Caleb his meds, wrote my blog, walked my mile, and woke Christinia up for our appointment. We had a virtual VA appointment by video call. I think it went pretty good because the VA employee on the call was actually a nice human being. After the appointment was over, I caught up on my emails, and made a few phone calls. I found the kindergarden enrollment packet for Christinia for Harlee. Then I went and ran errands in Southport while Caleb was out with Chace, his 9 year old friend who is moving away in a few days. 

     I went to the license plate agency first. The door was locked because they were on lunch break from 1300-1400. Then I went to UPS shipping office. They were going to charge me more than $30 to ship my clothes I wanted to return to WomanWithin. I had a prepaid label from FedEx, so decided it was cheaper to go there, where I would only be charged $10.99 for using the label. So I drove across the street to the FedEx shipping office and shipped my return clothing. Then, I went to T-Mobile to upgrade my cell phone. I bought the iPhone 13 Pro Max in Army Green. I tried to exchange my current phone, but because it was an iPhone 8, I would only get $200 credit for it. I felt my phone was worth more than $200, so I decided to keep it and give it to Caleb. I went back to the license plate agency where there was an office full of people waiting. I knew I had to get my replacement registration card with a sticker, so I waited. I completed my mission when I got what I came for. By then, my feet were hurting so I was ready to go home. Besides, I had not eaten all day, and it was getting late. I decided to stop at Lowe's in the hopes they would have steaks on sale. They did have steaks on sale, but did not have the steaks in stock anymore. They were all sold out. I ended up buying fried chicken on sale, along with cole slaw, corn bread, and potato wedges. I got home tired.

     Caleb went to a trampoline park with Chace's family. 

     Today, I don't have much planned. I need to go to Lowe's for soil and other things. I have more plants arriving soon, so I need to prepare for them to be planted. I still haven't cleaned the carpet in the hallway, my bedroom, or my bathroom, so that needs to get done too. 

       

5 Year Journal Day 337

      Today's prompt is "What five words describe your mood?" I am ready for the weekend today. 

     Today is Friday and it is 0822. I have taken my medications, and given Caleb his. Bella has been let outside. I have balanced my checkbook, and checked my emails. 

     Yesterday Caleb had his appointment for his psych eval report. His new diagnosis includes Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, and learning disability in writing. He is no longer diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. 

     Now, I can get the help he needs, because of his new and more accurate diagnosis. I tried to get him diagnosed when he was five, but because "he did not present with Autism" during the 20 minute observation, he was not diagnosed. He managed to get through all of elementary school without the assistance he really needed. I am proud of my son.

     From a young age, Caleb has been in different types of treatments. He was in occupational therapy when he was in preschool, and throughout elementary school. He was in speech therapy when he was in preschool, and throughout elementary school. He was in mental health counselling, and psychiatric care for as long as I can remember. I attempted to change his reactions and behaviors through diet and nutrition. We went gluten free for awhile, and stayed away from red dye. 

     With this diagnosis on record, he will have more productive and effective therapy sessions that will help him learn to handle his big emotions. 

     With this diagnosis on record, and along with the IQ test, I am no longer guessing at what my son knows, and where to start him on his schoolwork. I am attempting to home school him, and it has been difficult from the start. He is so far behind because the public school system would not hold him back, even though he was scoring low on his tests. He was not able to understand what the teaches were teaching the group of 30 students at a time. He was not able to keep up with his peers. This I have known for some time. I did not know what to do about it. Now, I can create a system that is more in-tune to Caleb. 

     Christinia would say things like "Caleb is really smart... he is manipulating you." Or even, "This is Caleb's way to control you." Let me preface this by saying I never believed those things. Now I can show her in black and white, signed by a professional, that she is wrong in her perspective of Caleb. She has said things that I don't agree with. I don't argue, because arguing with her is futile. Her own traumatic past has led her to believe that he is like the people she is drawn to. Her words are a reflection of her own wounds that are left unhealed. Her words are a reflection of her. 

     Recently a conversation came up between Christinia and me about my homeschooling. She asked what my plans are. I did not answer, considering I owe her no plans. She continued on saying that "Truancy is illegal." Well, yes it is, however, Caleb is not being truant. She continued on saying things that revealed what she though homeschooling should be like. I told her straight up, "It's not up to you what MY homeschool looks like. MY homeschool does not have to mirror public school at all." And it's the truth. I also told her that I am aware of what my legal responsibilities are, being a little perturbed that she feels the need to tell me like I don't. She said that "You are not doing enough. You are not doing anything." Well, again, I owe her no explanation of how I conduct my affairs, so I didn't argue. Arguing with her is futile. She packed up her belongings and went to her room in anger. 

     Caleb heard that we were kind of loud while talking, and came out of his room. He wanted to know why Christinia thought it was her business to tell me what to do. I shrugged my shoulders and said "I don't know." 

     I'd be lying if I said I wasn't angry. It triggered me. Christinia has no responsibilities other than an online school program and monitoring Harlee while she plays on her tablet. She was supposed to be washing the laundry for the household, but that lasted only a few loads. She sleeps until after noon everyday, and blames it on the same trazodone that both Caleb and I take for sleep every night. However, Caleb and I wake up around 0700 most mornings, if not earlier, and tend to stay awake throughout the day. She spends the majority of her time in her bedroom, in her bed. I don't need advice from someone who has no concept to what I do throughout the day. My days are long and I start early. I stay busy every day, and really look forward to when I can rest. If we want to compare notes, we can, but let's do it from when I was in college full time going to traditional college in-person as a single parent, no other known parent, by myself taking care of ALL my affairs alone.

     In other news, my VA home loan closed on last Friday, and funded Wednesday. As soon as it funded, I paid off my credit cards. What a relief! I anticipated my dad asking for "favors", and he did not surprise me by asking for me to add him as an authorized user to my high limit credit cards. While he did say, that he is not asking for the cards, I am still concerned. My dad is not the most stable person. While I would like to help him with his situation, I don't feel like it's my place to do some of things he asks. I worked hard to get to where I am. We made our respective choices. I am where I am and he is where he is for good reasons.  

     Then, yesterday, Christinia brings up the new clutter in my house. First of all, I ordered clothes for everybody and it gets delivered through the mail, but I also ordered some plants and books. She tells me "My anxiety. I can't take this. It's too much." Well, this is my house. It's not my job to recreate situations in my house for her to be comfortable. She is paying rent for what it is. I don't feel like her "anxiety" means I have to work harder, faster, and at her will. Now, I feel like I'm being manipulated. Why? Because I ask her "Is the Hydroxyzine helping your anxiety, because that's what I take for it." She responds, "I'm not taking that! I don't want to sleep all day!" Well, then I say, maybe you need a different option. See? I am trying to work with her, but she resists help. I can't make her anxiety go away. It's chronic, but her doctors can help, therapy can help. Is she in therapy? NOPE! Am I in therapy? YEP! Do I take my prescribed meds as prescribed? YEP! Does she? NOPE! So it is what it is and I will get to things as I can, and no sooner. I will not be pushed. 

     Not only that, but she tells me I need to stop buying stuff. Like what?! I just got paid, and I want books, so I buy books. WTF? There is no room she says. Yes there is! Why are we having this discussion? Why do I feel like she is trying to control me? I don't appreciate it. I don't like it. SO, it's ok to buy Harlee stuff, Caleb stuff, and her stuff, but it's not ok for me to buy stuff for myself? What sense does that make? 

     Then she says "We can't get the kitchen floor done because there is no room to move stuff." First of all, I am not worried about what the laborers have to do to get the jobs done. Secondly, why is she? Third, the kitchen floor is not going to get done until 1) the range is replaced, and 2) the cabinets are removed and installled. She would know that if we talked about what is important more often. Unfortunately, she stays in her bedroom, usually asleep most of the day! 

     We are in this VA Caregiver Assistance Program right now. We going through the process of being considered for her to take on the paying job while she is here. I don't know how things will go about that, because right now, I don't feel supported by Christinia. I am constantly cleaning the dishes both by hand and dishwasher, and cleaning the countertops, and stove top. Caleb takes the trash and recycling out. Caleb puts the dishes away. She was supposed to help me clean up my room, but it has been weeks, and it is still filthy. I need help cleaning up my bathroom too, and that hasn't been done. My bathroom is just a toilet, and a sink. She could have cleared out my bathroom in a matter of minutes, but hasn't.

     Christinia told me yesterday that Bella peed in the hallway again, and she is not stepping on pee to get to the laundry room, and that is the reason for not getting the laundry done. Am I being manipulated? I feel like it. 

     There's just alot going on in my head these days. There's alot on my schedule. I need a break.