Today's prompt is "What do you like to talk about?" I like to talk about myself. LOL
I am up and it is only 0208. I have been up for about 20 minutes or so. I woke up because my CPAP would not keep it's suction and was making noise. Apparently I was super thirsty because I have already had 2 cans of diet Mountain Dew, and almost half a gallon of sugar-free sweet tea.
Christinia is thinking about moving out to live with her sister. She wants to be able to have her own room. Right now she is sharing a room with her daughter, Harlee. Ever since she has told me what she was thinking, I have been filled with anxiety. Although I am not the one moving, I feel like I am. My life will be changing if she decides to move. I do not like the idea of not knowing what to expect. I am filled with anxiety. I might have to start taking my anxiety medication again.
I have been thinking about my dad lately. I was sort of dreaming about what the future might look like if I had extra money. I want to help my dad, but not under his circumstances. I don't want to be made to feel bad about my past. I don't want to be told what to do. I just want to help. Free and clear. If my situation was perfect, I would easily give him money to start a new life somewhere relaxing and safe. I don't really know how much money that equals, but I know it won't be cheap. I am trying to find ways to make money without working. I know it sounds like an oxymoron but I can't hold a job. I'm unable to do what I plan to do most days. It would only look and feel worse in the workforce. I would be more stressed out which would leave me with more fibromyalgia flare-ups. I would be fired relatively quickly.
My dad raised me. I honestly think he did the best he could with what he knew. I do not approve of how I was raised, but given the circumstances, I couldn't have expected any better. I don't want him to suffer. I want him to heal and be happy. I want him to enjoy the rest of his life. I pray he gets help. I wish I could help him, but I tend to shut down when I am around him. I have only just gotten to the point where I could tell him "No" by myself, and only by phone. I have a hard time setting boundaries with him. He can be so forceful. He has a violent past, and he scares me.
I practiced my Reiki before I went to lay down last night. I did Reiki on myself first, then I sent Reiki to both Colleen and the twins in the NICU in New Jersey that were in need. I feel like I have gotten away from doing Reiki, and I don't know why I quit practicing. I want to restart with a daily practice of giving to myself and to others. I would like to include my dad on the list of people I send Reiki to. I think it would help him, even he is not aware.
I say my prayers nearly every morning from the White Rose Priestess training. I will add Reiki to it and see how it goes. I would also like to add my crystals to the Reiki practice. I have not gotten any further in the White Rose Priestess training because I got caught up in the crystal grid part. I do not have the right crystals yet to do it. I ordered some crystals, but they have not gotten here yet. I have not done the ritual bath because I don't have the crystals for that either. LOL Oh my goodness. I have not gotten passed the part of chiron healing that includes family members either. I am supposed to look up the chiron wounds for both my parents, and if possible, my grandparents. Well, I can't do my grandparents' chiron healing without knowing their birthdays, which I do not know. I know the days of my parents' birthdays, but not the years.
I have been focused on my health and well-being this week as I had a really hard time managing my pains. I could not focus on anything else. Later today I have a zoom meeting with Michal and the ladies of the Ignite Your Light group for the whole day. I hope I can manage it. It is hard to sit still for so long. I am wondering if I am expecting too much from myself in trying to go to graduate school. I don't know. That causes me anxiety too.
I am on a weight-loss plateau which is frustrating. I'm weighing in at just above 300 lbs. I'm dying to get under 300 lbs.! I want to see the 200's! I want to go to the pool 3 times a week so that I can do what I remember from my previous physical therapy. If I could remember the office name, I would ask for another print-out of my routine.
I almost got completely caught up on cleaning the kitchen yesterday. I have a few pots and pans to wash and the island surface to clean and I will be done! I am almost caught up on the laundry too. I have towels to wash, but the clothes are mostly done. Caleb put together the bookcase for me yesterday. He got to a point where he needed help, and asked our distant neighbor Jerry to help. Jerry is such a sweet human being! Jerry spends time with Caleb on a regular basis and teaches him things. Jerry is a retired man, married to his wife Patricia, and living with his dog, Charlie. Caleb likes to go on walks with them. They are both retired, older people. They would take Caleb to church when he wanted to go.
I was slightly embarrassed to have Jery over with the state of my house being in disarray, but he was kind to us. I know it smelled like sea food when he came over. I had just finished cooking shrimp and roasting zucchini, yellow squash, tri-color bell peppers, white mushrooms, and baby bella mushrooms in the oven.
My diabetes is under better control with me adhering to my diet. Sometimes I struggle with overeating because of old habits, but I am trying to be more mindful when I am eating. I have been on a winning streak with my ketones remaining at 0.5 or above, meaning I am in nutritional ketosis. My belly looks smaller. My shirt fits loose. I am wearing my Far infrared compression tank I just bought, and feel like it is not tight enough, so I bought a smaller size.
Bubba is a handful all of the time, but he gives Caleb a good outlet for his energy. Caleb is hyperactive, and so is the puppy! LOL Adopting Bubba was a blessing. Meanwhile Bella and I are just 2 old ladies together. We like to lay in bed and take naps.
I wonder what the results of Caleb's end-of-year testing will be. I emailed the person who sent me the test login info, but have not heard back yet.
Caleb woke up and I have been side-tracked. He immediately put the tv on. Harry Potter movies run on repeat in my house, and that's how I like it.
I worry about the future, but I am trying to let go of my expectations. I just have so much going on. I have school starting in August, maybe. I will only start if I can afford to pay for it. I graduate from Reiki Master training in August. I am supposed to go to get a large tattoo on July 7th, which is also the release date of the book I have contributed to. I do not know if I will be able to afford the tattoo because I might not have the rental income from Christinia in the future. I am waiting from TEACCH to hear about Caleb's Autism plan of care. I am waiting to hear from VA about my GI doctor appointment as well as my psychological evaluation appointment. I am supposed to take Bubba in to the vet every month to be weighed in and get new flea/tick and heart worm medications for his growing size. I am still paying on the windows I bought from Lowe's and will be installed after August 25th. I am planning on paying off my credit card debts as soon as possible.
Then there are the everyday effects of the changes happening. I am doing well with a roomate. Christinia makes me laugh, and so does Harlee. I do not know that I will maintain my mental health when they leave. I am trying to stabilize myself so I can let go of my attachments to their presence. It's not easy because of my trauma-filled past. I want Christinia to do what she needs to do to be happy and healthy. I just want to protect myself in the process. Caleb has already said that he will be sad and cry if they leave.
I have reached out to other people to try to get support. I need friends and family in my life. Unfortunately my family has toxic relationships that I am avoiding. I already feel the loss even though nothing has changed yet.
I have text messaged Dona Sharon multiple times, and she never responds. The last message was a photo of her mail that was delivered here. I have no idea how my dad is doing. I hope he is taking care of his health.
I need to call my Granny and Pepere and check up on them. I haven't called my mom in awhile either, nor my Aunt Lisa. I've got some socializing to do! I just haven't been feeling well.
I wonder how Mathew, one of my brothers, is doing. I haven't talked to him in years now. I can't believe he holds a grudge against me for writing my own thoughts and feelings in my own blog. It is what it is.
It's now 0358. I guess I am staying up for awhile. I'm going to go ahead and take my morning medications.
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