Why?

     It is now 0220 on Saturday morning. It is the Saturday before Thanksgiving. Caleb and I are working on cleaning the house. Yesterday was a busy day. Caleb removed the box spring and bed frame from his room and started his laundry. I spent my time listening and singing to Chris Cornell, Soundgarden, and Staind on the stereo that Christinia bought me while I cleaned in the kitchen. I loaded the dishwasher and hand washed many dishes. I cleaned the stove top completely, including the drip pans. I cleaned off the island in the kitchen. I still have work to do, but that was alot. Caleb makes messes when he cooks and doesn't clean up after himself. I have to clean the countertop, the microwave, the drawers, organize the cabinets, sweep and mop the floor. Once I get all that done, I can spray the bug killer made of essential oils. I am trying to get done before Monday, when Nana will begin cooking. 

    Caleb is cleaning up his room. Man! What a disaster he created in his room! I mean it is straight funky! I can't wait to get in there and disinfect it and deep clean the carpet. 

    Listening to music from my teenage years brought up some emotions that have been repressed. I sang my heart out, loud and clear. I thought it would disturb Nana because the music is hard rock/heavy metal, but it didn't. 

    I was able to buy the turkey pieces from Lowe's Foods like I wanted. It was expensive to buy as much as I wanted though. They are fresh turkey pieces that we had to freeze so they will be good for Thanksgiving.

    The town picked up the mattress already. I called for them to pick up the box spring and frame, and ran into trouble. The woman who answered clearly didn't know what she was talking about when she told me they don't pick that stuff up. I'm like, I saw the town's truck with the crane pick it up! WTF?!

    Caleb and I went to Lowe's Foods to pick up the rest of our order. We picked up alot of my order the day before yesterday. We then went to Food Lion to buy water by the gallon, sweet potatoes, and lettuce.

    I made chicken taco salad for dinner. It was yummy!

    Cleanup was easy too.

    Today I have cleaning to do in the kitchen and I need to go to Walmart. I am running out of Diet Mountain Dew. I need a few other things too. Caleb is continuing his laundry and cleaning his room. Nana needs help getting her room ready for the next stage too. 

    I was able to send the stuff I no longer use to both Christinia and Rachel. I consider them care packages that help me clean my clutter. They included herbal supplements, body spray, soap, toothbrushes, hair care, and even kratomade! Lucky them!

    I have to get this dining table cleared off and cleaned too. There is so much work to be done because I fall behind all the time. Caleb is not doing his share of the cleaning. I use to do so much when I was his age. He resists and defies anytime I tell him to do something. There is always an argument involved. It's frustrating as Hell! Like how hard is it to throw a can when done? Or a bottled water? Or scrape off dishes before you put them in the sink? I use to be in charge of cleaning the whole kitchen every night after dinner. I washed the dishes and cleaned the countertops. Mathew took the trash out. When groceries were brought in, I put them away. Every Friday we had weekly chores to do which included cleaning the bathroom top to bottom, cleaning the kitchen and living room top to bottom, our rooms, the hallway, and the office!  

    I don't know what I have to do to get through to Caleb. I won't hit him. I refuse to hit him. My dad thought I should beat the shit out of him! It's not going to help the situation. He has Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, and ODD. It's the nature of the beast.

    I've been ok without Mike, probably even better! He had so many problems that he wasn't dealing with. I feel like I just need to be alone for awhile. The right person will come at the right time. 

    It's now 0254. I've had a few Diet Mountain Dews. I got up because I thought I needed to use the bathroom. I was going to talk to Nana because she is normally awake at this hour, but she fast asleep. We had alot of appointments this last week. We haven't been at home for long. We have got to get it cleaned up in here. I'm looking forward to making more progress today. 

    I've been praying. I've also started using Sage spray to cleanse and clear my space and my body. I am wearing crystals in my bra too. 

    Thursday I had Pool therapy with Nick. I worked long and hard doing physical therapy, and my back hurt before I left the pool. He has a student working with him. All 3 of us talked about Thanksgiving together. Nick knows how to fry a turkey!

    This coming up week we have alot of appointments too. Caleb has an appointment at 0800 on Monday with his therapist. I have my appointment with my psychiatrist by video call later that day. Tuesday Nana has an appointment with her doctor, and later that same day I have pool therapy with Nick again. I don't remember what is happening Wednesday, but Thursday is Thanksgiving! Friday is black friday, but I have no money leftover!

    I'm dealing with my depression that I get in addition to the depression that I constantly live with. It's called Seasonal Affective Disorder. I get really ready to hibernate around this time of the year. It;s hard for me to do anything. I am so fatigued and sleepy all of the time. I am fighting it with caffeine and I tried using my light therapy box. The light therapy box helps, but it is no replacement for the sunlight. I am now taking caffeine supplements to help me get my work done. Otherwise, I would be in bed all day long. 

    I was angry at the social worker for suggesting that I should get rid of my books. Like WTF?! I spent money collecting these books to read, and you want me to have people come in my house and just throw everything I worked hard for away? NO! 

    I was angry at Caleb for hiding how disgusting his room is. I yelled at him yesterday to get my point across. Like look. Caleb has been taken away before when he was preschool age. I was hospitalized and had no support system to care for him in the meantime. He was in foster care for a year before I got him back. I'm not going through that again. I told him, "You have to show me you want to be here by following the rules. If you want to stay here, you better get your room clean. If they take you, you aren't coming back. I'm not going to fight for you again. It's that simple." He didn't like that too much, but he was already working on his room. I know he doesn't want to be taken away. He just has to work to show that he can stay because his room is not safe to live in. He created the biggest disaster in the smallest room of the house! And it stinks!

    Meanwhile I have clutter galore in the living room that I have to straighten up. The goals are to have the living room and Caleb's room completed by the end of 3 weeks, because of the holiday. It has been  a full week already and we are making progress. I have to work on the kitchen right now because Nana needs a clean space to cook for Thanksgiving. 

    I feel like I'm ready to take my medications. I'm awake to be sure. I'm thirsty.

    I need to start drafting my book. I need to create videos for my app. I need to spend time on my classes. I need to read these books I have. I pray that I can do these things. I only have December left to learn everything in the Vocal Resonance Method. (Deep sigh) Where does the time go?

    If you are wondering why I struggle so much, let me help you understand. I have chronic hip and lower back pains. I have fibromyalgia which causes whole body pain. I have major depression, C-PTSD, anxiety, and Autism Spectrum Disorder. I have sleep apnea which wakes me up every few hours during the night, and I never get a good night's sleep. It hurts to stand or walk. It's hard for me to shower daily, and so I don't. I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes type 2. I have PCOS. Just because I look like a fat, lazy, woman, doesn't make me one. I deal with alot just dealing with myself, on a daily basis. I am very disabled. Sometimes, I wish people knew just by looking at me so they could have some empathy. 

    I'm ready to get my medications and supplements out. 

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!