Another day

     Yesterday I kept Caleb home to help me clean the house. We have an inspection today by the social worker. I could not clean up by myself. We got some work done, but more needs to be done so he is staying home today too. We have to be able to pass inspection. I needed help with getting the living room clean and getting Caleb's room clean. I got the laundry started. I vacuumed the hallway and steam-cleaned the carpet. I began picking up in the living room Caleb's disaster area. Caleb began cleaning his room. He needs to clean it to the point where nothing is on the floor so I can vacuum and steam clean the carpet in there too.

    I am feeling more grounded by using hape'. I am definitely calmer. I got my Celebrex in the mail yesterday. I used a dose with my night time meds. I woke up early. It's now 0450. 

    I worked slowly yesterday so I would not hurt myself. I have chronic back and pelvis pain. It is hard to clean the house. 

    I am focused on getting this house clean. Dealing with CPS is no joke. Caleb is taking it seriously too. He has so much stuff cluttering the living room. I need the floor cleared so I can vacuum and steam clean the carpet. 

    I just want to stay in bed all day. It's hard to get moving. I'm coughing alot of mucus up. I might be sick. 

    I need to go ahead and check the laundry. I haven't taken my morning meds yet. Bella just came out to have water.

    I have taken my morning meds including the Celebrex. I hope today goes well. 

    I can't tell you how much I hate having to deal with CPS. I feel discriminated against because I am disabled and a single parent trying to run this house with a teenager with special needs. For whatever reason I cannot get him to clean up after himself. Whether it's the ADHD or the ODD or both. It's a big deal to get him to clean. I don't think Autism has anything to do with this. I can't clean up after him like I did when he was little. My body can't handle it. I'm in too much pain all of the time. If Caleb would just pick up after himself, we wouldn't have to clean up this mess. 

    I refuse to hit my son. I have never hit him. I will never hit him. I have understood from the time he was young that he needs help. I have known all this time that he just doesn't get it. I belong to parenting groups, but I have not been paying attention lately. Parenting a child with special needs is not the same as parenting a child without special needs. I am just trying to work through our problems to the best of my ability. Caleb is so different from me. I always cleaned up. I hated having a dirty room. I think Caleb could live in a landfill and wouldn't care. That's what the inside of our house looks like. If I could just get him to follow instructions. When I tell him to do something, he does not complete the task. If I tell him to take the trash out, he will take it to the door and leave it. How hard can it be to take the trash outside to the trash bin? When I say take the boxes out and break them down, he leaves them on the porch. When I say to get Nana's dishes, he leaves them on the kitchen island. He does not empty the dishes and put them in the sink where they belong. I don't have Caleb clean the dishes. I don't trust him to not get us sick. Caleb puts away the clean dishes from the dishwasher and the dish strainer. I wash the dishes and prewash the dishes for the dishwasher. Caleb leaves his clothes everywhere. There are brand new clothes on my incline trainer. There are dirty clothes all over the floor in his room. How hard could it be to put clean clothes where they belong? Or dirty clothes in a basket? 

    Normally I have alot of doctor appointments that keep me from being at home during the day. If that's not where I am, I am likely grocery shopping or running errands. The point is I'm not home alot during the week. Neither is Caleb. Normally he is in school now. I got him back in public school so Monday through Friday he is gone from 0630 to 1600. When he comes home, we are both tired from working all day. If we are lucky I will have energy to make dinner. We are only home on the weekends. Last weekend I got nothing done. I don't know what was wrong with me. I was just exhausted feeling. I just wanted to rest all day. Pain doesn't help me. 

    I don't like that I had to keep Caleb home to fix these cleaning problems we have, but I had no choice. I could not let the inspection be of what it was in here. I had to get the hallway cleaned up for sure. Bella had accidents but my back pain wouldn't allow me to clean it up right away. I hated that. I finally got it cleaned up yesterday. I hate having a messy house. It's depressing and overwhelming all at once. I have to fight to get it cleaned up. Fight myself. Fight Caleb. Not physically, but before I used hape' there were alot of arguments. 

    If I could have cleaned it by myself , I would have. I can't manage to get it done alone. I tried on Tuesday. I got nowhere. I have major depression, Seasonal Affective Disorder, and chronic pain in several areas. It's hard for me to do anything. I am not able to work a job, and this is a job in itself. I'm doing the best I can with what I have available to me. 

    I use to be able to pay someone to help. I don't have the money anymore. I have applied with VA so they can consider me for Aid & Attendance. I need help with alot of things. I hope they don't take forever to make a decision in my favor. 

    I have been using hape' to calm myself down and be grounded. It is helping alot. I feel more in my own body. I can't explain it to someone who has never felt out of body. I just don't feel grounded usually. I am not centered either. Pain and CPTSD keep me from wanting to feel my body. I am taking the kratomade in the morning too. It helps reduce the pain significantly. 

    I asked to be referred to talk therapy by my psychiatrist. I don't know if that is happening or not. I need someone to talk to about Caleb's conception. I am waiting for Arkansas to find Jamie McCurry and get a paternity test done. I don't understand what is taking so long. I could avoid alot of problems if I had child support payments coming in. 

    I wish I was better at promoting my business. I don't have alot of time devoted to running it. I hope things will get better. Hape' helps me slow down and not be so filled with anxiety. I can only do what I can do. If I do my best, how can I do better? 

    The birds are chirping outside. I am waiting for Caleb to wake up. It is now 0638. I guess I should get started over here. 

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!