5 Year Journal Day 286

      Today's prompt is " One word for today." Freedom.

     It is 2:39 a.m. here. Yesterday I woke up at a decent time. I detangled my hair, and applied deep conditioning treatment. I began picking up trash, and I washed some dishes. I cooked the spaghetti sauce over again in the crockpot. I made my hard boiled eggs for my my breakfasts. I put the chili in storage bowls with lids. I watered most of the plants. I got the apron I ordered in the mail from Amazon. I started washing laundry. Caleb and I began picking up the trash in the laundry room and the bathrooms. I tried to apply for SSI online but the program wouldn't let me do it online. 

     The day before yesterday was Sunday and I slept for most of the day. I was exhausted. I got my Covid-19 shot on Saturday afternoon. 

     I spent alot of time looking for new ways to save the planet. On top of buying from Grove Collaborative, I also bought refillable laundry supplies from MyGreenFills, and cleaning stuff from Force of Nature. I bought us some stuff from Bravo Sierra for shower time. Hopefully I will not only cut my plastic use down, but I will cut my costs too. 

     I don't know what I did wrong, but my calculations are not matching my bank balance. I balance my checkbook. I must have miscalculated somewhere. I have more money than I calculated, and I have taken into account that not everything has cleared yet. 

     Today is Tuesday, and Caleb has 2 appointments back to back this morning. He goes to see his therapist and his psychiatrist. He finally fell asleep and stayed asleep tonight, so that is promising. It makes me wonder if he was really taking his medications when I asked him to take them, without me watching him take them. We were up until 5 a.m. or so yesterday morning, when we finally went to sleep. I don't know why Caleb was awake, but I am willing to bet that I was awake because I slept for most of the day. 

     After Caleb's appointments, we will come back home. I have to continue washing the laundry, and generally cleaning up. 

     I already took my iron pill and orange juice when I got up the first time.

5 Year Journal Day 285

      Today's prompt is " What makes you feel wonderful?" Air conditioning. 

     It is now 5:45 a.m. here. I have been up since around midnight. Today is Saturday. 

     Thursday we got up early to go pick my dad up and take him to his VA claim appointment. We left the house around 6:15 a.m. It was foggy but I was still able to see. We arrived around 8:00 a.m. in Lumberton. Dad's appointment was in Fayetteville. We got there early. Caleb stayed in the Mazda, while I took my dad to the office. We did not have to wait long to be seen. Caleb called with a very bloody nose. He had picked his nose of a big bloody booger. I went back to car and asked the nurse's assistant to call me so I could come back to get my dad. I stayed with Caleb until his nose stopped bleeding. The nurse's assistant brought my dad to the front door of the building. I forgot that numbers that are not in my contact list get sent to voice mail. 

     My dad had no eaten breakfast, so after the appointment we out to eat at Zorba's for Greek food. Dad and I had gyro plates, and Caleb had a double cheeseburger. We also ordered spanikopita, and baked feta cheese. 

     I brought in the chili that I made Wednesday night, and the spaghetti that I made too, when we picked my dad up from his room. 

     The chili was about 2 lbs. stew beef meat, and 2 lbs. ground chuck, with 1 green, 1 yellow, 1 orange, and 2 red bell peppers, 2 yellow onions, 1 small can of pinto beans, 1 small can of dark red kidney beans, 1 can of light red kidney beans, and 1 can of black beans, 2 cans of fire roasted diced tomatoes, 2 cans of diced tomatoes, 1 large can of tomato sauce, ginger root, and 2 bottles of chili powder. I forgot that I used a whole celery bunch. 

     The spaghetti sauce was about 2lbs. of beef stew meat, 2 lbs. of ground chuck, 1 large Ragu chunky garden style sauce, 2 or 3 red bell peppers, 3 or 4 green onion bunches cut up, onion powder, garlic powder, and a bottle of Italian seasoning. 

      Anyway, after lunch I decided to take dad to pick up a new CPAP at the new VA Health Care Center on  Raeford Rd. As soon as we walked in the door, I said "Hats!" My dad has been asking me to get a hold of the hat lady who sells hats at the Wilmington Clinic, and there she was! He was so happy to replace his veteran hats. 

     We went to the CPAP clinic as a walk-in and it did not take long to be seen. We walked out of there with a brand new CPAP, since the one he had was "lost in the move." 

     I wanted to see if he could make an appointment with the podiatry clinic while we were there. The nurse who responds to his myHealthEVet emails, told him to call a number to schedule an appointment, so I didn't think we would have a problem going to the clinic front desk to ask for an appointment. We got to the specialty clinic front desk and were refused an appointment because apparently dad's primary care provider has to put in a consult. WTF? People don't know how to do their jobs! 

     Anyway, we left the VA Health Care Center with hats and a CPAP, so dad was happy with that. I was getting tired and my body was hurting. I was ready to go home. I brought dad back to his room, and didn't stay long. 

     It felt like it took forever to get home. I was so happy that food was already cooked. I wanted to go right to bed, and I did. I only got up to have a little something to eat (chili) and take my medications. I slept hard most of the night, and only got up to use the bathroom. 

     So that was Thursday.

     Yesterday was Friday. I wanted to sleep in, but got up around 8:30 a.m. I wanted to go to McDonald's for breakfast, but after trying to get Caleb to wake up, gave up on the idea. I ate chili for breakfast and took my medications. I was still tired and went back to bed to rest. I got up in the afternoon and realized it was $5 sushi Friday at Food Lion. I wanted to go get sushi and buy some sodas. Eventually we went and did just that. I needed gas in the Mazda, so I went to put gas in the Mazda. I wanted to go to Walmart since we were already on that side of town, so we did. I bought some groceries, and stopped to get Caleb a haircut on the way home at Great Clips. Man did he have alot of hair on his head! He has a cleaner look now with a buzz cut. 

     I did not eat all my sushi in the car, like I usually do, so I had some left to eat. I ate that for dinner. I put away the groceries, and filled a few trash bags up so Caleb could take the trash out. Caleb made himself some fried potatoes in a frying pan on the stove for the first time, for dinner. 

     I have been collecting grocery bags to be able to recycle them at Walmart. I put them in the trunk of the Mazda so next time I got to Walmart, I will be able to bring them in. 

     I bought some things from a company called Grove Collaboration yesterday too. It is a company designed to reduce trash from things we use frequently, especially household cleaning products. SO I will get things like a glass reusable spray bottle for the multi-purpose spray, and one for the glass cleaner. The sponge I am getting is made of walnut shells. I am getting trash bags that are made from recycled plastic waste. I am also going to start composting so I got bags to do that in the compost box they sell. The refill containers use much less plastic or no plastic at all than all the bottles I buy on a regular basis, and throw away.  

     I have been up all this time. I don't know why. I did want to sleep, but couldn't.

     I got up and went ahead and sent in my travel pay forms in myHealthEVet. Then I went to my dad's account and began sending emails to his PCP. Man does he ever have alot of issues to straighten out! It's like these people don't know anything about him, and I know why too. My dad wastes his appointment time trying to socialize , rather than focusing on what's important- his health. 

     In other news, I decided to go ahead and buy the headlight assembly with leveler for both headlights. It cost me about $300. I did not know if I was going to buy it, because I do have other things I need to have done to the house, but, my dad is driving the Volvo . Actually, my dad is having other people drive him in the Volvo, so. Anyway, it's a safety thing. I don't know who is going to install the damn things, but at least I will have the right parts. The next issue is to fix the air conditioner and the radio. The instrument panel in the center console - seems like there might be a problem with it. I don't know why the radio won't turn on. 

     Let's see. It's been awhile since I have been up in the morning to be able to write my blog. On Wednesday I cooked the spaghetti sauce, noodles, and chili. We went to Walmart early in the afternoon after I started cooking the chili in the crockpot. I think I also filled the gas tank up in preparation to drive to Lumberton. I don't remember much about Wednesday other than I put the crockpot on the wrong setting. I put it on "low" instead of "high", because I was not paying attention. The marks for the settings are no longer on the crockpot knob like they were when I first got it. They have been scrubbed off due to cleaning. It made the cooking process last until about 10:00 p.m. because I made that mistake. 

     On Tuesday, we went to my appointment in Wilmington to pick up my custom insoles for my diabetic shoes. On the way home, we stopped at Arby's. I do not remember much after that. 

     Oh! I almost forgot! Billy told me some bad news. His girlfriend, Nikki, was put in jail for a long list of crimes.  Yeah. Some of them included drug possession, shoplifting, and prostitution. 

     I'm about to order an apron from Amazon to wash dishes in. It will keep my clothes from getting soaked every time I want to clean up.  

     I already took my iron pill and orange juice. I am going to go ahead and take my glucose, then eat and take my medications. Hopefully I can go back to sleep. I have an appointment this afternoon to get my second COVID-19 vaccine shot. I don't know if I will be able to get any work done today, since I have not had much sleep. The sun is already coming up. It is now 6:55 a.m. here. 

5 Year Journal Day 284

      Today's prompt is "Write down the name of someone you had a good conversation with recently." Rachel.

     It is now 2:14 a.m. here. Yesterday we woke up at our regular time. It was Monday, but I forgot to weigh-in before eating. I also forgot to take my glucose reading. I waited for Stacy and Bruce to come by to give me an estimate in the insulation for the attic. They came around noon. Stacy asked if I was looking to sell my house. I told her maybe. She and Bruce have gone into business flipping houses, and are looking for new project houses. I told them about Billy's house next door. We talked about the possibility of me selling my house. I gave it alot of thought after they left. They offered to help me move out to somewhere more affordable. Ideally I would buy a plot of land and build my own house to my own standards with handicap accessibility. My final thoughts are that if I build my own house now, Caleb will still not be able to keep from making messes, and I will die inside seeing the new house destroyed. There is no point in moving right now. I need to make the best of what we have. When Caleb is able to live on his own, I will reconsider moving. 

     I had leftovers for lunch, and then went to vacuum the first half of the hallway with the shop vac and the pet vac again. I then shampooed the carpet with the new carpet cleaning machine. The carpet looks alot better now, where I cleaned it. 

     Caleb and I got some things in the mail from the Amazon order I made. Caleb got his soaps and building kits, and I got books. I didn't feel like cooking, so we went to Arby's for dinner. When we came back home, I took my medications and went to lay down. 

     Caleb couldn't go to sleep, even though he took his medications, so he woke me up. He finally settled down after rough-housing for awhile. 

     I woke up with lots of gas around midnight. I went on facebook messenger to let my WoVen team leaders know what I was thinking about my case with CID. I do not know that I will pursue the matter any further because I do not want to disrupt my own mental health from where it is now. Terri was awake, so we had a video call and talked about things. 

     Today I have an appointment to pick up my new orthotic insoles in the afternoon. I need to take a shower before I leave to go to Wilmington for my appointment. Other than that, I do not have much to do for the rest of the day. That will take most of my time. I have books I want to read, and classes I want to continue taking. I will wait until tomorrow to pet vac the rest of the hallway and then use the carpet cleaning machine. I have laundry to do, so I could at least get that started up again. 

     I am tired. I already took my iron pill and orange juice. I need more water in my water jug. I guess I will go ahead and fill it up. I will either read a book, or do some meditations until I fall asleep. 

5 Year Journal Day 283

      Today's prompt is "You want a new_____." House.

     It is now 2:56 a.m. here. Yesterday I slept in until about 11:30 a.m.  I did not stay awake for long either. My body was sore. My knees were inflamed and red and hot. I was tired. We went to Food Lion to pick up some pizzas for lunch. I made my pizza, but Caleb wanted his chimichangas. After eating and taking my medications, I went back to lay down. I stayed in bed for a few hours, and then got back up. 

     I ate a little bit and took my medications. My dad called me... it did not go well. He does not know how to talk to me. He talks to me as if I don't matter, and that's not ok anymore. Boundaries. I am an adult, and I will not be treated anyway that disrespects my person. I could dissect every word he said to me, and how I responded, but I would rather transmute the whole conversation to the light for my higher good. 

     I do not like that he brought up my ex-husband, and at the same time said " and then you married that nigger!"  It was wrong on so many levels. I cleanse myself of my dad's hatred towards me and him right now.

     I do not like how he pretends to love me and Caleb, but at the same time calls Caleb "an undisciplined little shit." I cleanse myself of my dad's hatred towards me and him right now.

     My dad tried to blame me for him losing his stuff. He fails to recognize that the source of all his troubles are from his own reactions to my 10 year old son, who has ADHD and ODD. It was my dad who came after my son both times my dad choked Caleb. He does not admit this. He blames his actions on Caleb. He says he was acting in self-defense. Any one worth anything in martial arts, knows how to walk away from trouble when no one is getting hurt by the actions of others. My dad chose to insert himself to "Discipline" Caleb, and he lies about why he was choking Caleb to this day. 

     I take no responsibility for the loss of my dad's things that he chose to leave behind when he moved out of my house. There was no agreement for me to keep his things for him. I am not a mind reader. I needed my bedroom cleaned up so that I could have a new bed moved in there, so that I no longer needed to sleep on my couch.  

     My bedroom was totally trashed when they left. I had no reason to believe that they wanted any of the things they left because they left knowing that they would be gone for at least 12 months, maybe longer. 

     The truck was removed from my property after the 30 days that was given for my dad to pick it up. The title need to be transferred to his name, and he needed to put his own insurance on it. He was told this at the court house when my lawyer was trying to get him to not argue about the terms of the protection order, so we could settle the case, and leave. My dad never came to get the truck. He was supposed to make arrangements to tow it away, and tell me when he would be arriving to my property so that a police escort could be on the scene. That never happened. 

     The removal of the truck was time sensitive because the truck's taxes and registration were due, which means it needed to be inspected. It would not pass an inspection. It was not even able to drive to the inspection station! The town of Oak Island has ordinances in place to keep junk cars out of the yards. I had already been notified once for the Volvo, when we took the license plate off it for a week. The town fines residents for things like that. I was not going to paying fines for a vehicle that was only mine by paper. I had to have it towed away after before I got fined from the state for not paying the taxes on time. 

     Then both dad and Sharon seem to forget all the shit they said about me and Caleb to the police, and to Christinia. I have not forgotten. 

     At one point my dad told Christinia that I fucked Billy to buy  this house from him. WTF? What kind of parent says things like that about their daughter? It's not true. 

     My dad told us he would blow up the social services office and kill the people running out of the building for what they did to him. 

     My dad told us he would light my house on fire with everybody in it. He didn't care anymore.

     Then my dad wants to say that I spent "all kinds of money on a complete stranger." He is referring to Christinia. Christinia and I served together in the same unit in Korea. We experienced our pregnancies at the same time in Korea. She helped me make it to the hospital when I was in labor. She helped me give birth! How much of a stranger is that?  So, he is confused. He does not know why I wanted to help Christinia the way I did. He only thinks that she is crazy. He believes that for different reasons than I do. In any case, it's really none of his business. 

     Just like who I choose to love is none of his business. 

     He made me upset by saying things like "I am the only reason you have what you have today." Bullshit! I yelled in response to that! I said things like "Right, because you served in the Army as me, you got injured as me, you went college as me, you fixed your credit as me..." etc. Hell no he didn't! It frustrates me to no end. Then he wants to come in and say something like, "well, you would not have known to do those things if I didn't tell you. "  Just another way to rob me of my hard work to glorify himself. It doesn't matter that I made sacrifices and did the hard work myself. It's also another way of saying that I am too stupid without him to have figured out my own way of doing things. 

     Oh by the way, when he said the word "nigger", I said, "I'm not going to listen to you call him a nigger," and then I hung up. 

     He said things like, "I don't know what book you read, or didn't read but..." in reference to my parenting Caleb. I'm like, wait a minute! My dad didn't read any parenting books, so who is he to judge me on what I read or don't read, and how I choose to parent my child? This is a man who had social services called on him for child abuse when I was in elementary school, and he would have gone to jail if camera phones were a thing back then. This is the same man who almost hit me with a desk top CPU in the head. This is the same man who treated my brother so bad he wanted to die, and so climbed in the trunk of a car on a hot summer day and closed it and almost died. I wanted to commit suicide growing up. He broke my brother's nose! He had the cops called on him multiple times for domestic violence. 

     I choose to not use violence to "discipline" my child . Nothing good came of me being hit when I was growing up. Nothing good. 

     Apparently that makes me a bad mother in the eyes of my dad and Sharon. 

     I don't use the word "nigger" either. 

     I feel like I've been gaslighted. I feel like my dad says these things to bring me down, so he can say in the end, "but listen to me... I have all the answers to save you." I don't like it, and I don't appreciate it. 

     I immediately thought I should go get my car back, and disconnect communication with them. It's more complicated than that though. I want my dad to be able to go to his appointments and get the things he needs. I just don't want to be the object of abuse in the process. 

     It is now 4:02 a.m. here. I have already taken my iron pill and orange juice earlier when I woke up the first time. 

     Today Stacy and Bruce are coming over to check out the attic and give me a quote on how much it will cost to replace the insulation. I hope I can afford it. It would really help me keep the electricity cost down in the summers. 

     Other than that, I don't know what I will be doing. I need to do some laundry. I could work more on the hallway since I did nothing yesterday. I am going to take before and after photos to see if I can tell the difference once it's all cleaned up. 

     After that brain dump, I need to cleanse my chakras. I am going to go do some meditations. 

     

5 Year Journal 282

     Today's prompt is "What is your biggest dream?" I want to be healthy and fit. 

     It is now 4:24 a.m. here. Yesterday was a tiring day. We got up earlier than usual, and went to Lowe's to replace my pet vacuum. I could not wait to get it home and try it out. It was even marked down! Once home, we put together the pet vacuum and hooked it up. I vacuumed half the hallway over and over again to ensure that I was lifting the carpet fibers and getting to the bottom. The new pet vac got up alot of sand and alot of Bella's hairs that the old pet vac did not pick up. I was very happy. 

     We had plans to go to the Chinese buffet with Rachel an hour before the restaurant opened, since it takes that long to get there. We got there right as they opened, and the food was good! I really enjoyed myself.

     Before we left to go to Wilmington to eat, Rachel and I put on makeup. She gave me some of her extra makeup kits, which I thought were awesome. 

     After we filled up on lunch, we went to Walmart so Caleb could spend the $20 that Rachel gave him. Then we went to Hobby Lobby and looked around the whole store! I had never been inside a Hobby Lobby before, so I wanted to see everything. Rachel bought some things for her kitchen, along with buying me a ball covered in pink reflective glass pieces that I found was really pretty. 

     By the time we finished, and made it to the Mazda, we were all tired and ready to go home. 

     On the way home, I could not resist stopping at Arby's for mozzarella sticks. Rachel got news that her mother-in-law wasn't feeling well, and she felt like she should go home early. Deborah has stage 4 kidney failure, so it's completely understandable to want to be there when she feels badly. We had fun while Rachel was here, and I really enjoyed her company.

     After Rachel left for home, I went to lay down. My feet and lower back were in pain. I did not even want to get up to take my medication. Then my dad called. I did not call him on Friday because Rachel came over, and I was busy. 

     We talked about getting the headlight assembly with leveler for both headlights for the Volvo, and also for me to try to access my dad's myHealtheVet account to communicate with his providers so he can get referrals to replace his diabetic shoes and his CPAP. He was asking if I had them. I felt bad, but I don't have his stuff. I thought I might never see him again, and I needed to clear my bedroom of everything in there to be able to put my new bed in there. Christinia and Caleb cleaned out my bedroom for me when she was living with us. Everything that was left behind was bagged up and put on the porch. The old furniture that was on the porch was removed January 1, 2021, but I don't remember when the big trash bags were removed from the porch. They were on the porch for almost a whole year though. 

     I went through alot of emotions with my dad and Sharon being kicked out of my house. I don't see how my dad can expect to have saved his belongings like he just went away for a short while on vacation or something, because that is not what happened. I did not know if I would ever have a relationship with him again. I should not be made to feel like him losing his belongings was my fault because he had at least 2 weeks where Sharon could have easily put his belongings together to be moved out, and she didn't. They took all kinds of other stuff when they left. Nothing stopped them from taking his CPAP, or his diabetic shoes. You would think those things would have been important enough for him to replace them as soon as possible. I am not taking responsibility for his things being removed from my house the way they were. I had no reason to believe I should keep his or Sharon's things after what they said about me, and after what happened. 

     Today I think I will pet vac the rest of the hallway and possibly be able to shampoo the carpet. I would like to work and read some of my books too. I don't think I will have the energy to do both, but we will see. 

     I am kind of hungry and need to take my iron pill and orange juice. I'm tired too.  

5 Year Journal Day 281

      Today's prompt is "Are you happy with your choices today?" Sure. 

     It is now 2:40 a.m. here. Yesterday I woke up around 6:30 a.m. and did my morning routine so that we could make it to Walmart before 8:00, when the automotive department opens. We got there 15 minutes before they opened. We were the first people there. However, we were not the first people to get our vehicle worked on. An asshole drove up to the lube lane, and walked in the door before we did. We were in Walmart for an hour waiting for the tires to be balanced and rotated. While we were waiting, Caleb and I looked around. We ended up going to look at all the Spring planting and grilling supplies. Caleb wanted to buy an aloe plant. I wanted to buy some indoor plants. I bought 2 succulents, and a larger hanging plant. We were done around 9:00, and came home. 

     Caleb and I were both tired. Caleb went to his room to take a nap, so I did the same thing. Around noon I got a number of phone calls. Thinking it was just Caleb, or maybe my mom calling on her lunch break, I ignored the calls because I was tired and trying to sleep. A few minutes later, I hear a woman's voice saying "I figured out how to get in." LOL It was my friend Rachel! She surprised me with a visit! I was so happy to see her, that I jumped out of bed as fast as I could manage! 

     We sat for a short time before deciding to go to Food Lion for lunch. I wanted sushi, and it was $5 friday sushi at Food Lion. I got some sushi, and Caleb got the spring rolls he wanted. Rachel wasn't hungry.

     We came home and I ate what was a delicious spread. Then I decided to get to work on the hallway so that we could get to and from the bathroom without killing ourselves. I had Caleb pick up the big stuff, and move the dirty laundry to the laundry room to be washed. I took the linen off the guest bed to wash it so Rachel could sleep on clean sheets and with clean blankets. I shop vac'd the hallway a section at a time. Even though the hallway is not very long, it is hard for me to bend over to shop vac the floor for so long. I then pet vac'd the hallway once I got the big stuff with the shop vac. I think I need to throw away the pet vac. It is hard to push and did not seem to do a very good job of vacuuming. Caleb and Rachel took the new carpet cleaner out of the box and put it together for me while I was working. I was getting tired fast, and my body was hurting. I decided that pet vac-ing would be that last step of my day of cleaning. I tried to get the linen cleaned and dried before dinner, but that didn't happen. The quilt I washed had to be hand-wrung out because it did not spin out all the water in the washing machine. We decided to go out for dinner, and went to Arby's in Leland. It is not a short drive to get there, but that's what we all agreed to. I love Arby's food, so. 

     When we got back home, everybody was tired. I was ready to take my medication and go lay down. My whole body was hurting. I took my meds and gave Caleb his meds. Caleb fed Bella dinner, and we all settled in for the night. 

     Today, I might need to buy a new "good" vacuum cleaner, so I can get up the little tiny sand in the carpet before I use the carpet cleaner. 

     We have already planned to go to the Chinese buffet for lunch. I am happy about that. Hopefully I can get the linen dry today. I need to repackage the beef stew meat and the ground beef  I bought the other day and put it in the freezer. I need to gather the grocery bags and recycle them at Walmart. 

     I've been coughing alot tonight in my sleep. I get this itch in my throat from using the CPAP. It's really annoying because it's like just as I get comfortable enough to fall into a deep sleep, I have to cough and cough again, until I drink some water. Then, I have had to use the bathroom more tonight than I have had to do any other night in the recent past. It's like I can't catch a break! I just want to sleep!

     Rachel is freezing here, so I let her wear my Bernie Sanders hoodie. I wanted to make sure she had enough blankets to cover up with to sleep, so she wouldn't be cold. 

     It was gray outside when she arrived. It looked like it might rain, and was windy outside. I wasn't expecting her, so the house was a mess. I felt like I needed to keep my original schedule as far as trying to get things picked up, even though she was here. I have waited so long to get the place cleaned up. 

     Well, it is nice and cold out here now. I am ready to go back to bed now that I have cooled off. I have to take my iron pill and orange juice still. I need more water in my jug too.  

5 Year Journal Day 280

      Today's prompt is "Do you have any new friends?" Yes, I made a friend at the pharmacy where I go to pick up Caleb's medications.

     It is now 1:22 a.m. on Friday. Yesterday was a busy day. We started by going to CVS to pick up Caleb's refills, and then going to Walmart to buy ingredients for chili and hygiene products. I wanted to deep condition my hair, while cooking and cleaning. We came home after going to Walmart. I ate the rest of the leftover fried chicken from Thursday for lunch, and then I went to apply the deep conditioning treatment to my hair. Once that was complete, I began to clean up the kitchen so I could prepare the corned beef brisket dinner I was planning. I cleaned up my prepping space and utensils, and began to prep the vegetables. It was baby carrots, 1 yellow onion, ginger root, red potatoes, gold potatoes, a huge head of cabbage, and the meat, with some water, and extra virgin olive oil. I did not get it started until later than I wanted, so it would not be fully cooked until a minimum of 6:30 p.m.

     While the food was cooking, I started to put away the rest of the groceries. I bought some facial cleansers for Caleb. He has been breaking out alot lately. I bought hair care products for me. I bought beans for chili, and some cleaning products.

     When that was done, I started cleaning the stove top and surrounding counter tops. I wash with antibacterial soap and hot water first, then bleach the surface to bring it back to brilliant white like new. 

     At some point, when I was taking a break, I called my dad. While on the phone, I found the headlight assembly I need to fix the Volvo. We talked for a little while, mostly about the VA, the Volvo, and local people around Lumberton. 

     We were expecting severe weather in the afternoon, and so we stayed home after venturing out in the morning. We were supposed to prepare for a tornado. I figured I would spend the day cooking and cleaning. While I did hear some thunder, I do not think a tornado was nearby. 

     I decided to have kimchi for dinner so I could take my medications and go lay down. Dinner was not ready when I was ready to call the day over. I took my meds and went to lay down until Caleb came and woke me up to ask if dinner was ready because he was hungry. It was then about 8:30 p.m. Dinner was definitely ready, and smelled good. I made Caleb a dish, and myself one too. It turned out good. Caleb is known for eating the meat, but not the vegetables, so I told him to leave the rest of the meat alone. No one wants to eat the vegetables without the meat! 

     Yesterday I went ahead and renewed my contract for air conditioning maintenance, and paid with my 3rd stimulus. I was wondering how much it would cost to update my insulation in the attic. Stacy replied to a Facebook post I made on Oak Island Locals group , so I gave her a call. Stacy and Bruce will come by on Monday to check the attic and give me a quote. Hopefully I can afford it. It would save me money this summer and every summer to come. 

     I don't want to spend all my money, and then have nothing left. I also don't want to spend it all on little things and not get anything major accomplished. I still have to go to Walmart and have them balance and rotate my tires, which will be about $70. 

     My dad says he will buy the headlight assemblies needed to fix the Volvo headlight system. That is going to cost almost $300 for the set, and that is not including the installation. That is only the parts. 

     I meant to get the laundry started, but I didn't ever do that. I will have to do it today. Caleb needs to empty the dishwasher. I have a few dishes to hand wash. The laundry needs to get moving. I need to exchange my current mattress protector for the new one I bought, so the old one can be washed. I want to clean up my room and the bathroom. I have stuff all over the floor in my room from where Caleb has spilled the laundry baskets on the floor and neglected to pick the stuff that fell up. I started cleaning the mess I made yesterday. 

     I want to get the the hallway cleaned up too. It is a high traffic area, and needs to be cleaned using the new carpet cleaner. I need Caleb to pick up his stuff first. 

     Caleb woke up. He is watching Willy Wonka now. 

     I guess things are going pretty good now that there is money in my account. Without that stimulus I would be struggling to buy groceries and gas. Gas prices are going up everyday it seems like. I have not yet gotten my travel pay payments for going to my VA appointments. They owe me more than $100 by now. It adds up. 

     Billy called me yesterday. He was at the courthouse for his court date. He is still messing around that with that crazy woman, Nikki.  

     I got side tracked looking at Facebook. It is now 2:33 a.m. I guess I better take my iron pill and orange juice. If I want to get up early enough to be the first at the Walmart, I should probably go back to bed. I think they open up at 8:00, so I would have to get up around 6:30 to be able to do my whole morning routine and get there when they open. 

     Caleb is still up and talkative AF. Ugh. 

     

5 Year Journal Day 279

      Today's prompt is " What question makes you anxious?" Why do you have PTSD?

     Today is Thursday, and it is 3:19 a.m. now. Yesterday I woke up around 2 a.m. and could not sleep. I decided to get up and wash some dishes. I hand washed a bunch of dishes, as well as pre-washed the dishes I loaded in the dishwasher. I fully loaded the dishwasher and ran it. Meanwhile I was boiling water to make my hard boiled eggs. I gathered the trash from my work area, and filled a trash bag. Caleb has not been taking that trash bin out. Eventually, I made it back to bed and fell asleep. 

     I have been having really bad gas from both ends and alot of pain and discomfort that wakes me and keeps me awake in the morning. Tonight was the first night in about 5 days that I have not had that problem. It is mostly due to a new medication that I am taking for my diabetes. My doctor told me to try taking it in the morning, so I did yesterday. Makes a big difference. 

     Caleb woke me up around 10:30. I got up and did my morning routine, then went to take a shower. I had to get ready to go to my appointment in Wilmington. I had a dental appointment to replace my temporary crown with my permanent crown on my molar. I was ready to go just at the time it was time to go. We ran into traffic in Leland because 2 vehicles got into an accident. I did make it to my appointment a few minutes late, but I had called ahead and let them know I was on my way and why I was late. 

     The appointment did not take long. I have to wait 24 hours for the cement to set, so I was given rules about what to avoid eating. I decided to stop at Harris Teeter on the way back home since Caleb was hungry too. They have an 8 piece bucket of double-dipped fried chicken for $4.99 that is really good. For the first time, I bought us both a bucket of chicken. I figured that way I would not have to cook dinner. I had planned on cooking the corned beef brisket yesterday, but I had to make a choice. I could either prepare the corned beef brisket meal or I could take a shower, but not I did not have time to do both because I slept in too late. I wasn't going to the dentist's office smelling like B.O., so I chose to take a shower. 

     When we got home, we were both tired. I went to take a nap right away. Caleb woke me up a few hours later. I got up and took my medications, and went right back to bed. 

     So that was Wednesday. On Tuesday, Caleb had an early appointment first thing in the morning. His appointment was at 8:30 a.m. I woke up earlier than I wanted and I went ahead and paid the bills. I began to get ready to go, and I woke Caleb up to get ready too. His appointment was a therapy appointment  in Shallotte. We got there a few minutes early. I prompted the therapist to talk to Caleb about his feelings about seeing my dad again. 

     After the appointment, I went to pay the water bill. From there, I went to put gas in the Mazda. From there, we went to McDonald's to have breakfast because I realized that I had been paid the 3rd stimulus by direct deposit. After we ate, we went to Walmart to pick up some groceries. I wanted to get a corned beef brisket for us, but I also thought I would get one to make for my dad and Sharon. There were not many left, so I picked the two biggest ones they had. 

     When we were done there, we came home. I needed a nap badly, so I went to lay down. I thought I would be able to get the corned beef brisket cooking, but I was too tired. I woke up a few hours later, in time for my appointment by phone with Dr. Karels. It was a pretty good appointment. I let her know I was struggling with bad eating during my period, and was trying to recover . I also let her know about the gas problems I was having. That's when she suggested that I try taking my new medication in the morning instead of at night, and seeing if that helped any. 

     We decided we would go to have sushi from Food Lion. I thought it was $5 Wednesday, and I only now realize that it was Tuesday and that is why things were not marked $5. LOL

     I went to bed early Tuesday night too. 

     Monday I had plans to meet with Brenda to take the Volvo to Lumberton where my dad is staying. She arrived at my house around 9:00 a.m. and I was almost ready. It took all night to fully charge the Volvo battery, so I was not able to go fill the gas tank up prior to her arrival. I noticed a tire was flat. Then I realized all the tires were flat. I carefully considered how I would go about getting the Volvo to a an air pump station to put air in all the tires. I was lucky that the first gas station I went to had a working air pump station, and I had 4 quarters in my wallet. It was not enough time to fill all the tires as much as they needed to be filled. I had to get more quarters from inside the gas station. Then I put gas in the Volvo. We came back to the house because Brenda left her mask in her truck. Then we were on our way. I drove the Volvo. Brenda drove the Mazda with Caleb in the back seat. 

     It was a quiet ride in the Volvo because the radio does not work for some reason. We made to the Motel 6 where my dad is staying a little bit after 11. We could not stay for lunch. My dad wanted to take us out to eat. Brenda had plans with her husband and had to be back. So, I brought in the food I made for them. I brought 2 containers of home made salad, and 2 containers of my home made no-pasta, spaghetti sauce stew. I also brought them the bag of lemons I am never going to use, as well the honey and tea I bought when I lost my voice. I brought Sharon a bag that belongs to her that was left behind at my house, and put some goodies in there for her. I put a bottle of Lume deodorant lotion, a container of aromatherapy lotion, a small rose quartz orb, a small selenite shard, a bottle of "Sacred Scent" essential oil by Vitality, and an index card with my dad's important login information.  I almost forgot! I brought them a bottle of Light Olive Garden Italian salad dressing! woop-woop! Sharon had never seen that before!

     Brenda drove us home. I gave her gas money for driving to my house in her truck and to get back home. I thanked her, and told her to keep in touch. I was exhausted. I went to try to take a nap. I was so tired , but I couldn't sleep. I had leftover spaghetti sauce stew for dinner I think. and salad. I tried to just take my medications and go to bed.

     Sunday I spent time trying to find people who could help me drive the Volvo to Lumberton. I also spent a while preparing my spaghetti sauce stew. It was made of beef stew meat,  1 red bell pepper, 2 zucchinis, 2 yellow squashes, 1 yellow onion, 1 container of whole white mushrooms, 1 container of whole baby bella mushrooms, 1 container of sliced portabella mushrooms, 2 eggplants, half a bulb of garlic, minced, and sliced, ginger root, salt, pepper, basil, and oregano, 1 large container of Ragu chunky garden sauce, and some extra virgin olive oil. I think before I did all that, I must have spent some time cleaning the kitchen a bit. I don't cook in dirty spaces. 

     Today is Thursday. I have no more appointments this week! Woop woop! I have house cleaning to do though. We are expecting isolated thunder storms and possible tornadoes today, so I want to stay home as much as possible. I am planning on making the corned beef brisket for us today. 

     While I was there with my dad, I hugged him. 

     I have talked to my dad almost everyday this week. 

     I am trying to figure out how to best use the stimulus payment I just got. I don't know. I have so many things I need to do, but at the same time, I do not want to spend all the money. I want to have some savings for emergencies. I went ahead and purchased the central air conditioning maintenance plan that I wanted to renew. I bought a few things for Caleb that STEM "toys". I bought some books for myself, because, you know I couldn't resist. I bought Caleb and myself some hygiene products that are hard to find. I also bought reusable grocery containers so we can use them instead of grocery bags again. Bella has an appointment in April with the vet, so I am putting aside money for that. I also need to be able to purchase her flea and tick medication in April. The electric bill is already going up as the temperature is increasing. 

     It is now 4:25 a.m. and I need to take my iron pill and orange juice. I might read a little before falling asleep. 

5 Year Journal Day 278

      Today's prompt is "In three words describe your love life." Non-existent , self-contained. 

     It is now 2:15 a.m. here. I have not written in a few days because my sleep rhythms have been off. I have had painful bloating and gas at night that have kept me tossing and turning trying to get comfortable to be able to sleep. I was too tired to get up, so I laid in bed struggling to find peace. 

      Yesterday was not that eventful. I made my no-pasta, spaghetti-stew in the crockpot. That took more than an hour to prep and get cooking. It's alot of vegetables to wash and cut. I also attempted to charge the Volvo battery with my battery charger. I contacted alot of people to see if anyone could help me bring the Volvo to Lumberton. Brenda called me and said she could help me drive the car there. We made plans to leave my house at 9:00 a.m., so that we would be there around 10:30ish. 

     I made a huge salad and decided to share my meal with my dad and Sharon. I went out and put gas in the Mazda, and also stopped at the Dollar General to buy some food storage containers. I wanted to take the Volvo to put gas in it, but it was not fully charged in time (before it got dark). 

     I am collecting some stuff to bring to them. My dad has requested that I bring his CPAP and his diabetic shoes. Unfortunately, I am sure that his belongings that were left in the bedroom have been removed from the house and taken away. I no longer have his belongings that were left in the bedroom. Christinia and Caleb cleared my bedroom of all the stuff that was left as trash , thrown around the room, or left on the floor. He is going to have to tell VA that his belongings were lost in his move. 

     Let's see. Friday I did not do much either. I don't remember doing anything. It may have been the day we made frozen pizzas for dinner. I added extra cheese to mine and it was good. 

     Caleb is awake and talkative. 

     I deleted alot of numbers from my phone yesterday. I called Travis, and unblocked his number. He text me later. I have not heard from Billy in a long time. I don't know what to think of that. It's kind of a relief. 

     I am supposed to be getting the 3rd stimulus check on March 17th by direct deposit. I hope that is true. I have to get some things fixed on the house. I would like to have the bathroom fixed, meaning the shower water knob replaced, the bathroom fan replaced, and the ceiling paint and removal of the mold on the ceiling. I don't know how much that will cost, but I know it needs to be done, and will be worth it. Once it is updated and fixed, it will be that much less I have to worry about in the near future.  

     I just ordered my herbal and homeopathic supplements. I needed to order myself the multi-vitamin, and the pain relief supplements that I take daily, as well as the vitamin D that Caleb takes. I bought a few new things that I want to try to see if they help me any. They are for brain health. I hope they will help my thinking and brain fog. 

     Today we are going to drive to Lumberton in both my vehicles. Brenda is going to drive the Mazda with Caleb in the back seat, and I will drive the Volvo. The Volvo does not have a radio, nor air conditioning, and there is a problem with the headlights. So, I might be hot, but I can open the windows, and have a sun-roof. 

     It will be nice to be able to hug my dad again. I don't plan on staying long, although my dad wants to take us out to eat. I don't want him to spend the money , and I don't want to eat out since I had pizza on Friday. Eating together is something we always did when we lived together. It's a family thing. 

     I am putting together a care package. I am giving them a bottle of Lume body lotion deodorant for creases and crevices that tend to develop odors. Also I am giving a body lotion that is scented with scents that relax. I am putting a rose quartz crystal ball and a selenite shard along with a bottle of "Sacred Scent" essential oil. It's just stuff I had around that I think will be nice to share. 

     I am wide awake and so is Caleb. I finally got him to redirect his attention to his phone, instead of asking me a million questions. 

     I went ahead and ordered my medication refills too. 

     This week is going to be busy. Tomorrow is Monday and we will spend most of the day driving. Tuesday Caleb has therapy and I have a phone call appointment with Dr. Karels, the diabetes specialized pharmacist. Wednesday I go to get my permanent crown put in. Thursday and Friday are wide open, but I am sure I will have plenty to catch up on. There is always house cleaning to be done. There are always dishes to be washed and clothes to be cleaned too. 

     I get paid on Tuesday, so that means I pay the bills. I don't know that there will be much left over. I need to check on the budget spreadsheet to see what is going on. 

     I already took my iron pill and orange juice earlier when I got up the first time. 

5 Year Journal day 277

      Today's prompt is "What was the last bad movie you watched?" It's been so long since I have watched any movies, I can't say.

     It is now 3:16 a.m. here. Yesterday was not a productive day. Caleb woke me up , and I was not ready to get up. I was tired all day long, but I managed to take a shower and get dressed. I invited Tyrone over yesterday morning, to come over yesterday afternoon. He came over around 1:30 p.m. We talked for a little more than an hour. He sat on the couch, and I sat on the chair. I was comfortable, and it was easy going. It was nice to have a visitor over. It was the first time meeting Tyrone face to face. He is an Army veteran too. He is a few years older than me, and he served in the late 1990's, so our experiences were different as I served post 9/11. 

     After Tyrone left, I went to take a much needed nap. Caleb woke me up to take my medications. I got up only to eat a little something and take my medications. I went back to bed after I made sure that Bella was fed. 

     I am having trouble sleeping tonight due to indigestion and gas. 

     I don't have any plans for today. I don't have any appointments scheduled. I need to do the stuff I listed yesterday. 

     I already took my iron pill and orange juice when I got up earlier this morning. 

     I kind of want to read a book, but I am still tired. Maybe I will play a meditation track from the Magdalene Rose Temple library. 

5 Year Journal Day 276

      Today's prompt is "What do you crave?" Salt. 

     It is now 2:04 a.m. here. Yesterday I started the day with a call to my dad. I had to tell him I needed him to hold my hand, so I could push. LOL I was on the toilet. Toilet humor. There was alot of that when I was growing up. He winded up talking to me for more than an hour, before I had to go because Bella was barking outside. I then proceeded to got to Amsterdam Life for e-juice. Yep. I was on my last bottle the night before last, and I could not give it up just yet. So, here we are, but at least it's zero nicotine. 

     I went to Lowe's Foods for last minute ingredients for dinner. On the way home, I got a call from Special Agent Herring at the Ft. Bragg CID office. She said they were closing my case because of insufficient evidence. I asked for documentation, and she referred me to the Freedom of Information Act office. I don't know why she couldn't just give what I asked for, when I asked for it. That's stupid. 

     I spent all afternoon cooking. I made two meals. I made one stove top meal for Caleb, and one crockpot meal for me. My meal was a the pasta-less spaghetti stew, and it consisted of the following: one jar of Ragu chunky garden style sauce, 1 yellow onion, 1 bunch of green onions, 1 large package of whole white mushrooms, 1 large package of baby bella mushrooms, 1 package of sliced portobella mushrooms, 2 eggplants cut into bite-sized chunks, 2 zucchinis cut into bite sized chunks, 2 yellow squash cut into bite sized chunks, 1 red bell pepper, freshly minced garlic, fresh ginger root, Italian seasoning, EVOO, fresh spinach, fresh pre-cut kale, Lowe's Foods "Fiery Italian" Sausage, and extra basil cooked in the crockpot.

     Caleb's meal consisted of the following: 2 bunches of green onions, fresh ginger root, 1 red bell pepper, Lowe's Foods "Soprano" sausage, 1 zucchini, 1 yellow squash, a couple of handfuls of fresh pre-cut kale, onion powder, garlic powder, EVOO, black pepper, mung bean sprouts, and snap peas. I also made Caleb white rice to eat. 

     I am proud of both of my creations. My meal was good, but a little on the bland side. I forgot to add salt. 

     I was tired by the time our dinners were ready to eat. I ate two servings, and then took my medications. Caleb fed Bella, and took his medication. I went to lay down eventually. My lower back was killing me. 

     My dad was talking alot about making plans for the future. He wants me to listen to him lecture me about what I should do to prepare. He does not take a breath to let me make responses to anything he says. It's like my thoughts are not important. I have been around my dad for a long time, so I don't get hurt by it, but it is annoying. I don't like having one-sided conversations at all. 

     He wants me to take the Volvo to get the air conditioning fixed before I bring it to him. He says he will pay for it. I think his money would be better spent fixing his own car. My car is not meant to be a permanent replacement for his car. My car is only meant to be a temporary fix until his car is fixed and driveable again. I will have to tell him that the next time I talk to him.

     He wants to buy a house in Myrtle Beach, but I don't think that is the best idea for him. He says he has lost 75% of his vision. He needs to live somewhere where there is someone who can care for him. Sharon is not sufficient to care for an almost blind man. She can't even get out of the bed. 

     They are currently living in a Motel 6 in Lumberton, NC. I do not know how they are making meals or keeping food. It can't be easy. My dad complained that he had to leave my house with no clothes, but he did not leave his clothes here. He took his clothes with him.

     He tried to tell me that Sharon was still mad because they got kicked out of my house a second time. I'm like, uh... it wasn't my fault my dad assaulted my 10 year old son twice by choking him? The first time they got kicked out from my apartment was because they were trying to hit my 5 or 6 year old son with fucking belt. They trapped him in his room with Sharon at the door, and both of them were yelling, and trying to catch him to beat him. Like what is wrong with these people? 

     They are seriously flawed. Fatally flawed. 

     I put up some boundaries. For real. Just because I care about my dad, and don't want him to die, doesn't give him the right to try to make me feel like his problems are because of me or my son. I tried to help him in every way that I could manage. I gave him everything I had to give. I drove him when I was able to drive again. I filed paperwork to the VA for him. I made sure he made to his appointments. I tried to ensure he was taking his medications properly. I gave him my own bedroom and only bed! I slept on the couch in the living room. I don't know many people who would have done nearly as much for someone who has a history of being mentally and physically abusive. 

     I saw his true colors over and over again. He said some things about me to the police that I did not know he thought. It was really craziness. Things like "She is a bad mother. She is crazy. " and other things were said. I'm like you are the one assaulting people, not me! What have I done wrong? He blamed my "bad parenting" for him assaulting my son. I did  not raise John de Mello. I am still raising Caleb. I heard these things with my own ears. 

     There were things he said that I was not around for, that Christinia told me about. 

     Then there was the time he was talking about blowing up the government complex where social services is, and killing people as they were trying to escape. 

     I am not even making this stuff up. He is fuckin' crazy dude! I will never forget this shit!

     And Sharon was right along with him, saying similar things. She said something to the effect of "Caleb deserved it."

     So when my dad now talks about how he wants me to live close to him, so he can be there for us if something happens... I am confused. He will never, ever be left to care for Caleb ever again. Besides, he is practically blind! What the Hell can he do for us? And Sharon? She was useless most days when she lived with us. I'm sure she only got worse.  

     Changing the subject real quick. I let Terri and Michelle of the WoVen group know what was said on the call with the CID special agent. 

     Here is the conversation between me and Terri: 

Me: "Got a call from CID"

     "They are closing the case already as there is not enough... evidence"

Terri: "That is BS"

Me: " Yes it is. Just another way the Army CID leadership says women in the Army are whores who get what they deserve- rape and fatherless children." 

     So yeah, I shared that on a few Women veteran group pages I belong to. It's not over yet though. I have support from women in the same or similar boats. I have not given up yet. I am just getting started. It has been suggested that I get a letter officially stating why there is not enough evidence. I am supposed to file a civil lawsuit against my rapist. I am also told to file a congressional inquiry, which I was planning on doing anyway. I actually love doing that, because everybody gets involved all of a sudden when the spotlight gets put on someone for doing the wrong things. I am not in service anymore, and they can't make my life Hell anymore. I filed a congressional  inquiry for a finance office dispute while I was in Korea and everybody from the USFK commander on down was notified of the problem at hand. "Shit falls downhill." 

     Meanwhile, I have lost track of what I am supposed to be working on, other than that. I got all my travel pay forms to the VA, so that is done. I got an update from the IRS that my refund has been updated to zero. So that's one less thing I have to worry about. I still have to deal with sending the NHRMC billing office the copy of the letters I got from the VA regarding the charges they are charging me for. So stupid. How the fuck are you going to charge me for an appointment that was pre-approved by the VA, when the law says you can't do that?  What the Fuck?  

     I get my permanent crown next week. So far, this temporary crown is holding up alot better than the first one.

     I was supposed to have a yoga class today, but my instructor has tested positive for Covid-19. 

     I got an email that I need to schedule Bella an appointment for April with the vet. I called on Monday, but they were closed for cleaning because one of the girls there tested positive for Covid-19 too. I have not called back to make the appointment yet. 

     Caleb was supposed to be referred for braces at a nearby location. We never got a call from them, so I need to call his dentist office and find out if the paperwork was ever forwarded to the orthodontist office.

     I invited that guy I have been chatting with on Facebook messenger for while, over to my house tomorrow afternoon. I tried to prepare him for what he might see and feel when he comes over. He says he doesn't care about the mess. I tried to tell him I keep it cold in here, and it's likely to smell like sage. I don't know how this will go, but we shall see. I've been putting it off for months now. I just didn't want to have anybody over. I wanted to meet him somewhere, but there is nowhere I would feel comfortable meeting a stranger. Besides, eating in a restaurant is expensive these days, and I don't want to do that. 

     I talked to my mom today. She sounded good. She told me she is getting her vaccine tomorrow, and that she went and visited my Granny and Pepere over the weekend. 

     I called my Granny and Pepere to let them know about what I cooked for dinner. They are always interested in hearing the latest creations. They sent me cooking utensils for Christmas, so I think about them when I use them. I also think about Pepere any time I use ginger root. 

     I need to schedule some reading time. I am collecting books left and right, and not being able to keep up with reading them. 

     I need to continue doing the laundry. Caleb needs to empty the clean dishes from the dishwasher, and the strainer. I need to make a salad before the vegetables go bad. I need to clean the stove top, counter tops, and the inside of the microwave. I gotta clean the full bathroom. Ugh. I don't wanna, but I need to badly. I am still working on getting the living room squared away. I need Caleb to move his stuff to his room, and pick up the bigger items that can't be shop vac'd. 

     I want to clear the porch off before it gets too hot to work outside for me. That means I have to go through my dad's stuff that he left out there a few years ago, and figure out what to toss in trash bags for the dump and what to store for him to give him back. 

     I forgot to mention that Special Agent Herring said that "Mr. McCurry" said he would be willing to take a DNA test. So, I messaged Jamie McCurry, the suspected father of my child, on Facebook messenger. I confronted him once again and told him , "Got  a call from CID saying you were willing to take a DNA test." and " Are you willing to take a DNA test if I pay for one?" 

     The message window shows that he has not "seen" the messages yet, but I know he has been online several times since I sent the messages because Facebook messenger shows when a person is active. 

     Just thinking about something my Aunt Lisa told me... "You are not responsible for fixing him."- in regards to my dad. She is right. I wish I could fix him though. I wish I could give him a good life, where he can be taken care of. I still might be able to do that making sure he gets his VA claim paperwork in properly. I think Sharon makes less than $2,000 a month, and I think my dad makes less than $1,000 a month, if I remember correctly. My dad was talking about how housing was expensive at $1,200 a month. I'm like, uh... yeah. That's why I busted my ass to buy a house when I did. I was living in an apartment while I went to college because it is what made sense for me at the time. I was walking distance away from the campus. When I graduated, I knew I needed to move somewhere where I could afford the monthly payments, because the rent was going up more than a hundred dollars a month every year where I was. I could not afford that without the Post 9-11 GI Bill housing payments coming in that I was receiving for college. I needed to buy a house so that hopefully my payments would not increase like that every year. 

     My dad reminded me how horrible it was for him being left with his grandparents to grow up without his father. He told me that his father paid for the best schools for his half-siblings, and let him go to the cheapest schools. He told me that he did not have any support when he was being abused inside his childhood home. He was talking about how my grandfather went through extraordinary means to bury his dog, but threw my father's mother's body in the trash can, not giving her a proper burial. He talks alot about the differences in how he was treated versus how my aunt and uncle were treated. My father is the product of a sexual encounter between my grandfather and one the maids in the house. My aunt and uncle are products of the marriage to my grandmother. My dad talks about how Brazilian family members only came around when they wanted money from my grandfather, and he would give it to them - no questions asked, but when it came to my dad, nothing. My grandfather apparently did not send any kind of child support to provide clothes, food, school supplies, etc. for my dad when my grandfather came to the United States.    

     This is stating things simply and without much detail, but these things anger him and create conflicts within the family. My grandpa died last Fall. I am supposed to tell my Aunt Lisa his contact information for future communications. I forgot to do that. She is settling the estate. 

     I got side tracked. I already took my iron pill and orange juice when I got up earlier this morning. It is now 4:53 a.m. and I need to go back to bed! 

     

5 Year Journal Day 275

      Today's prompt is " What are you a geek about?" At this point, nothing really. I love books on quantum healing, crystals, aromatherapy and essential oils, witchcraft, Mary Magdalene, Mother Mary, Ascended Masters, Jesus, herbs, tarot cards, journaling, and self healing. 

     It is now 1:37 a.m. here. Yesterday was a doozy of a day. It started out simply enough. I had no appointments to worry about so I took it slow, even though Caleb woke me up earlier than I wanted to get up. I did my morning routine and got Caleb his meds too. I just kind of chilled in my chair at the table, looking through facebook. I had alot of ads for curly hair products, which led me to wanting to see if my curly hair products worked as well as those shown. I went and combed my hair out and applied leave in conditioner and a product that I have not used in a long time by Garnier Fructis. It seemed to take a long time to get my hair to dry completely to be able to see the end result, but in the end I liked it. 

     Caleb and I went to Walmart because I was craving chips and dip. We ended up buying $100 in groceries. Isn't that how it goes though? I never spend just a few dollars at the grocery store anymore. Everything is expensive. I had to restock on some staples anyway, and I bought fresh produce to make a huge salad, so I do not feel so bad about buying the chips and dip. Caleb got some double stuf Oreos and a Pecan Pie, which is his favorite pie ever. I bought a whole bunch of red peppers because they were available. At $1.38 each, they are not cheap, but man do they taste good. 

     Before I went to Walmart, Dianna, one of my dad's friends messaged me on facebook. She said she had a dream about me and my dad. I will copy it here.

     " I just had to tell you about a dream I had this morning and you were in it before I am busy and forget..... I was on a bus trip to somewhere... on arrival I hear your dad's voice and he is beside me pointing at a brick military gymnasium and saying excitedly, Jennifer is in there, this is so wonderful... I am so proud of my Jennifer! We get out in a very crowded huge building and sit down at tables. There was a competition going on in gymnastics. He was saying "She chose gymnastics", and pointed you out in a crowd walking by. You were stunningly slender and strong and beautiful. Time had turned back, and you were young again and you walked by head high, confident, and ready to perform in the gymnastics competition and head for the uneven bars. I was amazed how beautiful you looked and how young, I even felt envious because I always wanted to do something like that when I was young. Your dad said " She just went for her dream and worked hard for this..." He didn't take his eyes off you  and he said, " I am so proud of my Jennifer. When she wants something, she goes right after it." He was smiling and I thought he would burst with pride and excitement. Your hair was shining and waved down to your shoulders and looked so strong. Then the dream ended... It was so beautiful and unusual, I had to tell you."

     I took this to mean that I needed to find a way to talk to my dad again. I felt like he might be trying to reach me and needed my help. I have not talked to Dianna since my grandpa died and I was trying to reach my dad to let him know. 

     I tried to call the number I had for him that was in my phone, but I got a message saying the service was no longer in use, or something like that. I got the same message when I called Sharon's number. I thought maybe they had blocked me and that was the reason I could not get through, so I had Caleb call both numbers, but he got the same messages. 

     I later decided to go and see if I could find my dad's updated information in ebenefits. The login information I had was still correct, but I had to change the password. I looked at his profile, but it did not have his contact information there. I looked under the "My documents" tab and found the latest document was dated March 5, 2021 and had his updated information on it. I took a few minutes to breathe before calling the first of the 2 numbers provided. The first number to the motel where they are living. I hung up before typing in the room number. I called the second number and got the voice mail. So I called the first number again and this time I went all the way to getting an answer on the line from my dad's room. 

     Sharon answered. I asked to speak to John de Mello and she handed the phone to my dad. I did not know how I wanted to proceed so I pretended like I was calling from the VA about his locked ebenefits account. It did not last long before I said, "You do not recognize me, do you?" He did not.   

     When I told him who I was, I did not know what to expect. He could have hung up. He could have yelled and screamed at me. He could have cursed me He did not do those things. He was surprised to hear from me. I told him I needed to make sure he was ok. I told him I missed him and worried about him. We talked for maybe an hour before he had to go pick up groceries from the store. He told me his car is broken down. I thought, maybe he could use my Volvo, since I have not been driving it. We talked about Mathew and what happened between us. Caleb wanted to say hi to him and did. He was nice to Caleb. It was like no time had passed, and yet we both had so much to say to each other because in reality it has been more than a year since I last spoke to him. 

     When the call was over, I was too tired to do anything else. I could not make dinner. I just took my medication with a snack. 

     I got a phone call from Aunt Lisa and told her about the conversation I had with my dad. 

     Caleb fed Bella and I went to lay down. 

     On the way home from Walmart, I took Caleb to the beach. He couldn't resist going into the water. It was very cold still, LOL. A group of older people who were walking on the beach were walking by, and a man told Caleb, "You've got balls of steel!" LOL 

5 Year Journal Day 274

      Today's prompt is "How do you get out of a rut?" I make a small change. I do something different from my rut. I just do it. 

     It is now 11:41 p.m. here. Yesterday was productive. I woke up earlier than usual because of my tooth pain. I called the dental office as soon as I thought they might be open to see if they could see me earlier than my appointment time. I got Caleb up and we did our morning routine quickly and hit the road to Wilmington. I got my temporary crown replaced and we went to Chick-fil-a for breakfast. After that we drove back home. I called the VA while I was driving to figure out about the appointment that was scheduled for tomorrow outside of the clinic. The appointment was a dental appointment that must have been made as a space holder to authorize my dental work. I also called Verizon to dispute the charges on my account. Unfortunately my cell service dropped just as someone from Verizon answered the phone. Once my phone had a good signal again, I called back again. I was able to get things fixed, so that I would no longer be charged and the charges were credited back. 

     We got home and I was ready for lunch. It was about noon. I made myself some soup and ate. Then I was tired, and crashed in bed. I could not get up for my 1:00 MOVE follow up appointment call. I was was too exhausted. Part of it was from the running around, and part of it was from the explosive nature of the diarrhea I was suffering all morning.

     When I woke up from my nap, I was still tired. I wanted pizza, so I went to Food Lion and bought some frozen pizzas. I also bought some soda. Yes, I bought diet Mountain Dew, but I only bought one 12 pack. I only drink from the can, so that was the smallest option. I shared with Caleb,  and I did not drink it all at once. 

     We ate dinner early, and I took my medication. I fed Bella a full meal of chicken livers, steamed, mashed carrots and sweet potato with ginger root, and kibble. Everybody was happy and ready to rest by the time I got to bed. 

     Tomorrow, on Tuesday, I do not have any appointments. I will try to stay at home if I can. I still have work to do at home. I need to collect the travel pay forms and submit each one to the VA for payment. I need to go ahead and amend my federal taxes, and mail them in.        

     I went ahead and emailed the travel pay forms via secure message to the VA. One less thing I have to worry about. I went ahead and updated my health notes spreadsheet with my morning glucose readings, and my other spreadsheet with my weigh-in information. 

     I don't want to do any more work right now. I want to take my iron pill and orange juice and make myself some flavored water and miralax drink and go lay down.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

5 Year Journal Day 273

      Today's prompt is "Bad news: sugar coated or straight-up?" Straight-up.

     It is now 2:22 a.m. here. Yesterday was a productive day. I managed to get less than half, but more than 1/3 of the living room floor cleared and shop vac'd. I continued to wash laundry, and got Caleb's socks dry. Caleb put away the dishes in the dish strainer so I could hand wash more dishes. I did hand wash more dishes. I loaded more dishes in the dishwasher as we found them. I vacuumed the dirt Caleb tracked in the on the kitchen floor with his dirty boots. I put Draino down the bathtub drain to clear the clog. I folded 2 baskets of laundry. I put 2 of the shelves that were out, into one of my bookcases, and moved my new books to their new home, out of the box. Caleb picked up a bag of Gatorade bottles that we were keeping to do a science experiment and recycled them. I gave up on the ever doing the science experiment and Gatorade bottles are everywhere because we needed so many of them to build the life raft. I shop vac'd the chair and put it back together. 

     We burned candles and a sage rose bundle. We ate leftover taco fajitas. I got the Pandemic EBT deposit. 

     Today I have to go to Wilmington to get my temporary crown replaced. Other than that, I might need to jump in the shower. I have to submit the travel pay voucher forms to the VA for payment. I have to at some point this week, call Verizon and dispute the charges on my account. I have to mail the NHRMC billing office a copy of the federal law regarding billing veterans for VA pre-authorized appointments. I have to call the VA to figure out what appointment they are referring to in the appointment schedule. I need to go ahead and amend my federal taxes, and mail them in. I need to call Bella's vet and schedule her exam appointment for April. I have the MOVE follow-up appointment call today. 

     Later this week, I have Yoga with Misty. I do not have other stuff planned this week as far as appointments go, that I am aware of. 

     My mom's birthday is coming up on March 17th. I would like to send her something, but don't know if I will have the money. 

     I still have a few pots to clean. I have to clean off the counter tops and stove top, the fridge exterior and the dishwasher front. 

     I have to get Caleb to clear up the rest of the living room floor so that I can shop vac, and move furniture around to shop vac underneath the sofa and the chair. I want o move the smaller two bookcases. I want Caleb to move his books from the smaller two bookcases to the larger bookcase. Then I can move my crystals, books, incense, essential oils, and house plants around. 

     Once that is done, I can pet vac the living room floor, and then use the new carpet cleaner to clean the carpet. 

     I am getting Caleb to pick up his stuff in the hallway once again to clear the hallway so I can shop vac, then pet vac, and then use the carpet cleaner. 

     I need to clean my room. Caleb has brought stuff into my room that does not belong and it needs to be removed. I need to clean the floor in there, and get the trash out of my bathroom. 

     Caleb needs to clear his trash from his bathroom, and clear the way for me to clean the bathroom from top to bottom. 

     Caleb needs to clear his room floor so it too can be shop vac'd , pet vac'd, and have the carpet cleaned. 

      Then I need to straighten up the guest room. The linen needs to be washed, and the floor cleaned in there too. Caleb has destroyed what was a neat closet of my Army stuff. I have to collect my things and put them neatly together and then make sure I lock them away in the shed. 

     Then, last, but not least is the laundry room. It needs to be straightened up. 

      I need to drive the Volvo so the tires don't get ruined. 

     Caleb just woke up. 

     I was sweating tonight. And my tooth was hurting more than one time within the 4 hour period of using the orajel. I also ate a whole container of prunes, and know I might be regretting that at some point in the near future. 

     I write about what I get done during the day, not because it will be interesting to read one day, but because it is a reality check. It was not that long ago when I could not stay awake all day. I had to sleep for hours in the afternoon. Or even before that, I was sleeping all day long. I have made great strides, and every day is a step in the right direction of getting my life back again. I tend to think I do not get much done, but it is an eye opener when I write about it and review what I have done throughout the day. Some days are very, very busy and full of things I have accomplished. Some days are slower, and not so full. Some days, I cannot even function and get out of bed. I rejoice on those days where I feel like I am normal again. I like to get my work done. I don't like feeling behind. I don't like feeling like my work is overwhelming and adding up to heaps of workload to be done. 

     Once we are able to stabilize the house cleaning, I will be able to add other things to the schedule for Caleb. I cannot work in a dirty environment, I just can't. It's one thing for me to do my own stuff, like I am doing now, in the wee hours of the morning, and by myself. It's another thing to think I am going to sit with Caleb all day long, teaching him and arguing with him over his ODD when the house is a disaster, and chores need to be done. I have to keep cleaning the kitchen to have a clean kitchen to cook in every night. I cannot wash dishes, and sit with Caleb. I need to be able to do both things at the same time. Caleb needs to grow up and do his work without me  standing over him. That is just one example of how things go. I cannot teach Caleb and be somewhere else in the house doing something else at the same time. I am only one person. That is the problem. I am one person, and I am doing a job that requires at least two people, but better yet, a village. 

     I do not want to hear about how I am not living up to other people's expectations, or how I am failing Caleb. Caleb would be failing himself in other circumstances too. This is not all on me. He has to take responsibility for his inability to pay attention, focus, and follow through with schoolwork. That is not my responsibility. I put him in therapy. He graduated occupational therapy. He graduated speech therapy. He takes medications and sees a psychiatrist. I mean I am doing everything I know to do. 

     At some point in time, Caleb will be at the age of majority and be held to adult standards. His ability to control himself will be his responsibility then too. Why wouldn't it be his responsibility now? I cannot force him against his ADHD and ODD to do things. Life is hard, and sometimes we have to figure out our own ways of making things happen. That's all there is to it. He has to figure it out on his own. How do I sit here and get this learning done? How do I get my work done? It was expected of him in school, and he didn't do it. He found all kinds of ways of getting out of work. If he can do that, he can find ways to get work done too. 

     I am not going to pretend like this dirty house does not affect me though, because it very much does. I refuse to do any schoolwork until it is rectified. Once things are at a place where they can be maintained, I can focus on the other things that need to be done. Right now, the focus is on how to live in my house with me. In my house, I like it clean. Boundaries. These are part of my personal boundaries. When Caleb is an adult, and lives in his own place, he can choose to live like a pig if he wants to, but not here.  

     It is now 3:22 a.m. here and I am ready to take my iron pill and orange juice. I am out of water drink too, so I need a refill. I guess I will do those things and go lay down, and maybe read.