Monday, March 22, 2021

5 Year Journal Day 283

      Today's prompt is "You want a new_____." House.

     It is now 2:56 a.m. here. Yesterday I slept in until about 11:30 a.m.  I did not stay awake for long either. My body was sore. My knees were inflamed and red and hot. I was tired. We went to Food Lion to pick up some pizzas for lunch. I made my pizza, but Caleb wanted his chimichangas. After eating and taking my medications, I went back to lay down. I stayed in bed for a few hours, and then got back up. 

     I ate a little bit and took my medications. My dad called me... it did not go well. He does not know how to talk to me. He talks to me as if I don't matter, and that's not ok anymore. Boundaries. I am an adult, and I will not be treated anyway that disrespects my person. I could dissect every word he said to me, and how I responded, but I would rather transmute the whole conversation to the light for my higher good. 

     I do not like that he brought up my ex-husband, and at the same time said " and then you married that nigger!"  It was wrong on so many levels. I cleanse myself of my dad's hatred towards me and him right now.

     I do not like how he pretends to love me and Caleb, but at the same time calls Caleb "an undisciplined little shit." I cleanse myself of my dad's hatred towards me and him right now.

     My dad tried to blame me for him losing his stuff. He fails to recognize that the source of all his troubles are from his own reactions to my 10 year old son, who has ADHD and ODD. It was my dad who came after my son both times my dad choked Caleb. He does not admit this. He blames his actions on Caleb. He says he was acting in self-defense. Any one worth anything in martial arts, knows how to walk away from trouble when no one is getting hurt by the actions of others. My dad chose to insert himself to "Discipline" Caleb, and he lies about why he was choking Caleb to this day. 

     I take no responsibility for the loss of my dad's things that he chose to leave behind when he moved out of my house. There was no agreement for me to keep his things for him. I am not a mind reader. I needed my bedroom cleaned up so that I could have a new bed moved in there, so that I no longer needed to sleep on my couch.  

     My bedroom was totally trashed when they left. I had no reason to believe that they wanted any of the things they left because they left knowing that they would be gone for at least 12 months, maybe longer. 

     The truck was removed from my property after the 30 days that was given for my dad to pick it up. The title need to be transferred to his name, and he needed to put his own insurance on it. He was told this at the court house when my lawyer was trying to get him to not argue about the terms of the protection order, so we could settle the case, and leave. My dad never came to get the truck. He was supposed to make arrangements to tow it away, and tell me when he would be arriving to my property so that a police escort could be on the scene. That never happened. 

     The removal of the truck was time sensitive because the truck's taxes and registration were due, which means it needed to be inspected. It would not pass an inspection. It was not even able to drive to the inspection station! The town of Oak Island has ordinances in place to keep junk cars out of the yards. I had already been notified once for the Volvo, when we took the license plate off it for a week. The town fines residents for things like that. I was not going to paying fines for a vehicle that was only mine by paper. I had to have it towed away after before I got fined from the state for not paying the taxes on time. 

     Then both dad and Sharon seem to forget all the shit they said about me and Caleb to the police, and to Christinia. I have not forgotten. 

     At one point my dad told Christinia that I fucked Billy to buy  this house from him. WTF? What kind of parent says things like that about their daughter? It's not true. 

     My dad told us he would blow up the social services office and kill the people running out of the building for what they did to him. 

     My dad told us he would light my house on fire with everybody in it. He didn't care anymore.

     Then my dad wants to say that I spent "all kinds of money on a complete stranger." He is referring to Christinia. Christinia and I served together in the same unit in Korea. We experienced our pregnancies at the same time in Korea. She helped me make it to the hospital when I was in labor. She helped me give birth! How much of a stranger is that?  So, he is confused. He does not know why I wanted to help Christinia the way I did. He only thinks that she is crazy. He believes that for different reasons than I do. In any case, it's really none of his business. 

     Just like who I choose to love is none of his business. 

     He made me upset by saying things like "I am the only reason you have what you have today." Bullshit! I yelled in response to that! I said things like "Right, because you served in the Army as me, you got injured as me, you went college as me, you fixed your credit as me..." etc. Hell no he didn't! It frustrates me to no end. Then he wants to come in and say something like, "well, you would not have known to do those things if I didn't tell you. "  Just another way to rob me of my hard work to glorify himself. It doesn't matter that I made sacrifices and did the hard work myself. It's also another way of saying that I am too stupid without him to have figured out my own way of doing things. 

     Oh by the way, when he said the word "nigger", I said, "I'm not going to listen to you call him a nigger," and then I hung up. 

     He said things like, "I don't know what book you read, or didn't read but..." in reference to my parenting Caleb. I'm like, wait a minute! My dad didn't read any parenting books, so who is he to judge me on what I read or don't read, and how I choose to parent my child? This is a man who had social services called on him for child abuse when I was in elementary school, and he would have gone to jail if camera phones were a thing back then. This is the same man who almost hit me with a desk top CPU in the head. This is the same man who treated my brother so bad he wanted to die, and so climbed in the trunk of a car on a hot summer day and closed it and almost died. I wanted to commit suicide growing up. He broke my brother's nose! He had the cops called on him multiple times for domestic violence. 

     I choose to not use violence to "discipline" my child . Nothing good came of me being hit when I was growing up. Nothing good. 

     Apparently that makes me a bad mother in the eyes of my dad and Sharon. 

     I don't use the word "nigger" either. 

     I feel like I've been gaslighted. I feel like my dad says these things to bring me down, so he can say in the end, "but listen to me... I have all the answers to save you." I don't like it, and I don't appreciate it. 

     I immediately thought I should go get my car back, and disconnect communication with them. It's more complicated than that though. I want my dad to be able to go to his appointments and get the things he needs. I just don't want to be the object of abuse in the process. 

     It is now 4:02 a.m. here. I have already taken my iron pill and orange juice earlier when I woke up the first time. 

     Today Stacy and Bruce are coming over to check out the attic and give me a quote on how much it will cost to replace the insulation. I hope I can afford it. It would really help me keep the electricity cost down in the summers. 

     Other than that, I don't know what I will be doing. I need to do some laundry. I could work more on the hallway since I did nothing yesterday. I am going to take before and after photos to see if I can tell the difference once it's all cleaned up. 

     After that brain dump, I need to cleanse my chakras. I am going to go do some meditations. 

     


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