5 Year Journal Day 304

      Today's prompt is "________ is completely ridiculous." Anti-vaxxers.

      It is now 7:21 pm on Saturday. I returned home yesterday afternoon from Lumberton, where my dad is. I went there to drive my step-mom to and from her eye exam in Southern Pines. I stayed longer to be able to get the Volvo inspected , which is a requirement before I can pay my property taxes and renew my registration. Everything went well. Caleb and I had a good time visiting. We will be going back in September to take my step-mom to her eye surgeries. 

     A few days ago, 13 military members were killed in Afghanistan. Many more Afghani civilians were killed as well. 

     Hurricane Ida approaches New Orleans and will have landfall around Sunday night.

      Last night I looked for my adult friend from high school who introduced me to Young Life, Kristen Leatherman. She taught tennis as a tennis pro in Pinehurst. Mathew and I took her intro to tennis lessons one summer, and that's how we met. I found her on Facebook, and was so happy when she replied to my message. She also helped me find Karen Williams, who took me on a hiking and camping trip the same summer I went to Frontier Ranch in Colorado with Kristen and Karen. 

     I went looking for some classmates I had in high school. I was not successful in finding Glenn Polite nor Jessica Tortelli. Jessica Gonzalez does not answer my messages. This year should have been our 20 year high school reunion. I found my senior year photos. They were pretty photos of me. 

     Today I did not do much. It was expected to be 95 degrees outside and so I did not want to go anywhere. I took a shower and was just tired. It usually takes me a few days to get back into the swing of things after being gone. I ordered Domino's pizzas for our lunch and dinner. I officially begin my Virta diet on Tuesday, so I am getting it out of my system so to speak. 

     I was on my period week when I left the house for Lumberton, but was not menstruating, like usual. I think I am pre-menopausal. Anyway, I leaked in my sleep the first night I was there. I started menstruating in my sleep! I did not pack any clothes to change into, so I was stuck wearing what I had on. Thankfully, it was not a big leak. Also, thankfully, Dona Sharon had pads for me to use readily available. I had taken all my pads from their storage place and placed them in ziploc bags to distribute to the homeless women in Wilmington because it has been so long since my last menstruation. Now I know I have to have them for myself a little while longer. 

     It was so freaking hot outside! We had to drive the Volvo, which has no air conditioning, to get it inspected. We waited at least 20 minutes before getting out of the car and going inside to wait in the air conditioning. I was beginning to feel sick and had no water nor Gatorade with me. It was just too hot and I was sweating alot. 

     We managed to get the Ford Expedition registered and get a new license plate for it. The title finally arrived in the mail for us to be able to do that. It was about time. We waited more than a month , and the temporary tag was expired! Frustrating.

     Bella came with us to Lumberton. I sang the first 2 Coldplay albums on the way to Lumberton. One of the songs made Caleb cry. The first song I listened to made me cry, but I have been sad and depressed lately. During the time dad and I went to get the Volvo inspected, Dona Sharon went and spent time with Caleb and Bella in our room. Bella is great at cuddling and reducing stress. 

     I really hate what is happening in Afghanistan. I don't like losing servicemembers. I hate the Taliban. 

     Kenneth, my step-dad, is back home and getting stronger everyday, according to my mom. 

     Rachel hasn't been responding to my texts because she is grieving the loss of her brother. I feel for her. I will be messed up if Mathew passes before me. I never really had a strong relationship with Sherri and Eric. It's not that I don't care, but we weren't raised in the same home. 

     Aunt Lisa called me today. We shared updates. My cousins moved into their dorm rooms yesterday. We are both going to start dieting soon. 

     I managed to have my psychiatrist appointment by phone while out in Southern Pines. Dad had his phone appointment immediately after mine. 

     I had my appointment with the Virta specialist about starting my new diet on Tuesday. I have to go grocery shopping and prepare how I am going to eat in advance to be successful. 

     My bed feels so good after being on that cheap mattress in that hotel. Like butter. I hope my dad and Dona Sharon are able to find a house to move into soon. 

     I don't know how tomorrow will go. I need to have Caleb finish his end of year testing at some point. I was already charged $90 in late fees. I need to return the testing materials. 

     I have chores I need to catch up on. It's nice to have the toilets and sink back in full working order. 

     My fitbit was causing skin irritation. I took it off to charge it and it left a red mark that looks like a rash that lasted for days. 

     I started vaping 6mg nicotine again. 

     I was in alot of pain while visiting my dad. My cramps were pretty bad. I bought Icy Hot back patches to wear and they helped alot. My lower back hurt so much that it hurt to lay on the mattress on my back. I was moving alot in my sleep, and woke up tired. 

     My feet hurt pretty badly today. I did not walk today, but I was in the shower and my feet hurt. I had to try to hurry to go lay down on my bed and raise my feet. I think my feet were swollen. 

     I bought some office chairs on sale today at Staples. I saved almost 50% on two chairs. One is to replace the office chair we got for free from a neighbor down the road. It was used and already in bad shape when got it, but I broke it further, so I can't wait to have a new chair. I sit in that position at the table alot because I eat there and take my medications there. I bought a chair for Caleb to sit in too, so he can have a chair of his own to sit in for home schooling. He should be able to sit still for awhile in the chair I bought him. It is an office chair that is also a gaming chair. It was way cheaper than the leather chair I originally wanted, so I chose it for both of us. 

     I want to change the color of my hair and have wanted to try this brand called Overtone for brown hair. I bought the red tone on sale today. I haven't decided how much of my hair I want to dye yet. 

     I have friends who are anti-Biden, and I try to ignore their political posts. I don't agree with them, and they are allowed to believe what they want. I don't have to fight them. I don't have to waste my time trying to educate them. 

     I got the email from Breathe4Change educators' yoga to start the program today. I am excited and worried. I am worried that I will drop out, or not be able to keep up. I really want this. I want to do Radiance Sutras meditation class next year. Having this as a basis will help me alot. 

     I made business cards to promote my blog today. I can't wait for them arrive! They are so pretty, with flowers in pink on them. I know I don't write much informational or educational material, but maybe I can still build a fan-base. I won't know if I don't try, right?

     One reason for taking classes, is that it will make my blogs more interesting. I will have more to share as I learn more. I might be able to eventually make my own videos and have a subscription service or something like that. I have been looking for ways to work with having a job per se. I need an additional income, and who knows if I will be successful in getting child support ever. I want it to be more of a hobby that generates income, rather than a job. I wish I could make stuff to sell on etsy, but I don't think I can keep up with something like that. I have to be able to determine my schedule and not work on a demand basis. 

     So, basically how this Virta program works is that I will keep my carbs at 30g or below per day. I will eat only 4 oz of protein per meal, and add fat to be satiated. I will add salt to my meals to keep side effects of the diet changes at a minimum. I will also have a cup of boullion in the morning and the evening. I will take my glucose twice a day, read my blood pressure 3 times a week, and weigh in daily. I will use the ketone test strips to monitor my ketones daily. I will report any side effects as they occur. I have been given a list of recommended foods, foods that may be added to my diet after 30 days, and foods to avoid. The goal is to be able to discontinue diabetes medication. I should lose weight as a result of this diet as well. I start diet changes on Tuesday. I still have to go grocery shopping. I need to clear out my freezer of foods I will not eat, and replace with meats and frozen vegetables. 

     I am already making plans for the period I need to go back to Lumberton to drive Dona Sharon to her eye surgeries. I have to reschedule one of Caleb's appointments and one of my appointments on Monday. I want to be sure that where we will stay overnight will allow pets. I want to prepare a meal plan in advance so I am not messing up my diet. I want to cook for the family too, so we are not spending so much money eating out. 

     I want to go through the books I bought for Caleb's school year and decide how I want to start off. I know I want to be math and science strong. I also want to emphasize reading and writing skills. 

     September will be the last month of physical therapy, I think. I do not know if I want to pursue a membership to the pool or not. As winter approaches, I will likely not be as interested to get in the water, but I am not sure. The water in the pool is kept warm. I need to continue my physical therapy regardless of whether I have appointments. I want my body to be strong and able to move without pains. Hopefully replacing my chair will help the pain, because I know that it is a source of pain as I am not sitting properly when I sit in the broken chair. It is too low to the ground for me, and leans forward so that all my weight is pressed on my pubic symphysis, and that shit hurts like a bitch! 

     I finally bought some new underwear. I buy Speax for leaks, and they are not cheap. I had to replace my old ones though because they had holes in them from so much use. It's a nice thing to do for myself. It's just part of taking care of myself. 

     I noticed I have ring worm under both arms in my arm pits towards my back, where I cannot reach to wash. When I took a shower today, I used my back scrubber to scrub under my arms really good with the Bath & Body works Sage and Mint body wash my Aunt Lisa bought me. I love it. It smells so clean and refreshing. Hopefully the ring worm will go away soon. I have to try to keep dry too. 

     Caleb has athlete's foot on both feet, according to his pediatrician. She prescribed some cream for him to use, but I have not given it to him yet. He needs to shower first. She also prescribed more itch cream for his back, and that helps him sleep more peacefully. His back itches all the time. 

     Caleb has picked up my habit of burning candles, with sage, and incense. He is burning them now, and it smells good. 

     It is now 9:13 pm. I bought a crystal grid a couple weeks ago and it came with crystals. I have it set up near the candles, sage, and incense burner. I also have a Lady of Guadelupe candle that I burn. I have prayers and intentions that I set. I like to burn candles, sage, and incense when I am cleaning the house. 

     I wore my crystal necklaces while in Lumberton. 2 of them are for empath protection and 1 is for diabetes. I got 2 new necklaces recently. I have already forgotten what I bought them for, but ultimately I am trying to open my chakras and be more receptive to the Goddess vibes. I also rocked my moonstone ring.

     I invested in some yoga posters that show all the poses. They should arrive soon. It's helpful to have a visual to help me remember, and also because I want to teach Caleb as I learn. It will help us both physically, mentally, and spiritually. 

     I also bought a cheap cork yoga mat, a block, and roll to start my practice.

     I got the Bad Bitches Tarot from Ethony's store, and recently got the Divine Feminine Oracle in the mail. So I'm set as far that is concerned. 

     I want to get back into blogging daily. It helps me reflect on what's going on especially since I don't have any other way to express myself safely on a regular basis. 

     Dad took us out to Golden Corral the first night were there. I really wanted to go because I missed lunch and was sooo hungry. I wanted to be able eat ALL I could eat, for reals. And I did . I had a plate of salad. I had some fried okra, mashed potatoes, a fried chicken drumstick, fried popcorn shrimp, sautéed zucchini, lots of meatloaf, and some mandarin oranges and cantaloupe. 

     The next morning, I wanted to go somewhere to have a waffle. We went to IHOP! I had a Belgian waffle with a side of bacon. Yummy! Carbolicious. 

     We had lunch at Chik-fil-a, and Pizza Hut for dinner. The next morning we went to Cracker Barrel with Dona Sharon. I had the Double meat breakfast. So, I totally had carbs in preparation for not having them for at least the next 12 months. 

     I brought Dona Sharon one of my Zero Sugar Chobani Vanilla yogurts and she loved it! I also brought my extra blueberries that I would not be able to eat in time before my diet start date. 

     I have these scabs on my neck that I keep picking and it's like I can't leave them alone to heal! It's a bad habit. picking scabs. 

     You know, I won't be able to forgive Mathew, Nichole, Sherri, or Eric any time soon for deliberately leaving Caleb out of their lives and keeping him from his cousins. It's one thing to block me because I write what I think in this blog. It's another thing to block Caleb. We only have one family, and they are it. They have left us out of everything ever since last year. I suppose they are all Trump supporters. I know Mathew and Nichole are. Eric has no reason to block me at all. Sherri said I was being too negative on facebook and that's why she blocked me. Well, they may as well be dead now, because I can't reach any of them, and they totally do not care to talk to me. I may as well be dead. My own siblings don't have the balls to live with someone who is a as passionate and straight forward as I am and keep things civil without being childish. 

     My psychiatrist asked me if I had suicidal thoughts. I lied and said no. I think about suicide. I told her that my depression medication helps me. but it doesn't take away the depression. She confirmed that that is just how it is, unfortunately. 

     I just feel like if it weren't for Caleb, I might not have a reason to carry on. I am glad to have Bella around. She helps me sleep at night and calm down. I don't know. I have fighting strength to carry on, but sometimes I wonder. I don't think many people would be affected by my death. I have not made much of an impact on the world. 

     I am getting older, and I am not attractive like I was when I was younger and in shape. I don't date. I can't find someone worth my time and energy. I wish I had a life partner. I thought I would always have my siblings, but they left me to be alone in the world. I hate being the oldest sometimes. I have a feeling if I had an older sibling, they would not leave me to be alone. I have 3 older step-siblings though, and none of them give a rat's ass about me or Caleb. As a matter of fact, they all ran away when I was hospitalized and believed Dona Sharon when she told everyone I was schizophrenic, which I am not. 

     I really show my true colors by helping her and my dad. They did us wrong more than once. I am able to see that they both have mental health problems that keep them from behaving enough to live with. It is ok to visit occasionally but I can't live with them. My dad can be violent and rage. My step-mom doesn't calm him down, and goes along with what he says. 

     I am working on fixing my credit and lowering my debt. It is not easy, because it is not like I can just work more hours to make more money. I am working so that I can refinance the house. It needs work to pass the VA appraisal inspection to be able to go through with process of refinancing. I am trying to arrange for Stacy and her team to do all the work I need to have done, you know, keep the money in the family. I also need someone to help me remove the junk on the porch. I have talked about that so many times, and I still have not gone through the stuff on the porch to be able to get rid of the trash. 

     It is now 10:10 pm here. My dad was supposed to call me back, but he never did. I bet he fell asleep. Caleb is watching a youtube video game video. Bella is around here somewhere, likely laying on the couch with Caleb. 

     I will likely go through the freezer tomorrow to clear it out of the old leftovers I saved and figure out what stuff I will be able to eat versus what is for Caleb from Tuesday on. Tomorrow is Sunday so we have to collect all the trash to put out the trash can for Monday's pickup. 

     Caleb is nice and settled, I suppose it's time for me to go to bed as well. Goodnight.

     

     

     

          

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

5 Year Journal Day 303

       Today's prompt is "What was the last goofy thing you did?" I bent over to Caleb who was laying down on the couch and farted while I hugged his head. 

     It is now 2:17 a.m. and I cannot go back to sleep. I am very much awake, and even petting Bella is not putting me to sleep. Today is Tuesday, and Caleb has an appointment at the dentist's office in Wilmington at 9:00 a.m. It is an hour drive to there, and I have to take a shower before we go and do my morning routine. I am cramping pretty badly too. I am on my period week, but I am not menstruating. I have low follicle stimulating hormone which is causing that. I am supposed to be seeing an endometriologist, but the appointment is a long time from now. 

     Yesterday was Monday and I slept for the whole morning. I got up to do my morning routine because Caleb woke me up, but I went back to bed after that. I got up around noon. We went to Food Lion to buy soda on sale. I also bought grapes and pop-tarts on sale. Then we went to Bo Jangles for lunch. After that, we went to Walmart to buy my sugar-free sweet tea and blueberries. I also bought some laundry hampers and carpet cleaner solutions. Then, on the way home, we stopped at CVS to pick up Caleb's medications. We went home after that. It was hot outside. 

     We got home just in time for my phone appointment with my Pharm D. I told her about how I threw my old diet out the window in preparation for giving up all the things I like to eat for Virta on next Monday. I have eaten pizza. I made rice, black beans, pinto beans, and corn mixture and ate it with my chicken and okra. I ate potatoes in the form of chips and mashed. I had subs from Jersey Mike's!

     It made my sugars go high, so I had to confess why that was. She understood. 

     I plan on starting the Virta-friendly diet on Monday. It is a strict keto diet that is being montitored by doctors. My numbers are being recorded on the Virta app where my team can see how I am doing. I take my blood sugar twice a day, weigh in once a day, and take my blood pressure 3 times a week. I also have direct communication with my team through the app. 

     I decided to withdraw from the Wounded Warrior Project: Project Odyssey, and also my trauma therapy with the VA. The appointments were too hard to commit to with everything else I have going on. I am still in physical therapy at the pool twice a week, although I cancelled those appointments for this week because I am going out of town to my dad's. Dona Sharon is having a 4 hour eye exam and needs a driver, and I volunteered. 

     Today we are going to Caleb's dental appointment in Wilmington to have 3 cavities filled. After that, we will come home and pack up to go to Lumberton. We will stay the night there to be there early in the morning to leave for Dona Sharon's appointment. While there, we will likely have to stay in the car, and not be allowed to wait in the waiting room because of the Delta variant of Covid-19. I have a phone appointment with my psychiatrist, and my dad has one with his psychiatrist too. 

     While I am over there, I have to make sure to go get the Volvo inspected. It is a requirement to be able to renew the registration and pay the property taxes. 

     So... since the last time I wrote, the sink has been fixed. I was charged a fee for coming back out, which now I see I could have called the owner on that one, because it wasn't my choice to make it that way, but his. 

     School started for the kids yesterday. Caleb has not finished his end of school year testing from last year. He will have to do it this weekend when we are settled back in at home. 

     I didn't think I would need to buy clothes for Caleb, but at his annual physical he was measured to be 5 feet 7.5 inches tall! Holy crap! So yeah. Needs new clothes for the upcoming cooler weather. I got them while they were on sale, so I did the best I could to get them at a discount. 

     It is now 2:40 a.m. and I just cracked open a diet mountain dew. I told myself I wasn't going to stay up, but it looks like I am. 

     I am working on getting an estimate for having the cabinet under the kitchen sink removed because it is moldy, and the kitchen floor replaced with the vinyl plank I bought some years ago. I want to start getting stuff fixed on the house as much as I can to be able to refinance the house while rates are low. 

     I got the child support application done for Nigel to be gone after. Apparently it is assumed that because we were still legally married when Caleb was born that he is the father of my child. He is not, but he has to take a paternity test to prove that. 

     September is just around the corner. It is already August 24, 2021. The living room is looking better, but Caleb has already made a mess again. He has his cans and dishes everywhere already. 

     I bought nicotine containing e-juice again. Yep, I'm back on it. I choose it instead of other vices. I'm stressed and about to undergo major lifestyle changes. It's my woobie. 

     I'm thinking about bring some of Caleb's workbooks with us so he can start learning new stuff while we are out all day Wednesday. 

     Kenneth went back home the night before last. He is doing well. 

     I recently learned how to wash the washing machine. It needed it badly. It wasn't hard , just have to have the right stuff to do it with. 

     I am trying to prepare to leave after Caleb's appointment. I want to be sure to get all the food trash out of the house. I want to be sure to at least pre-wash the dishes in the dishwasher and hand wash the rest of the dishes. I want to go ahead and spray for bugs with my pet-friendly spray before I leave too. 

     Walmart was out of all vegetables! It was crazy looking. 

     CVS isn't the same without my friend, Lisa. There is a new girl there, and she seems cool, but I am sure she does not have a son Caleb's age. 

     I still have not received the receipts from Mr. Rooter so that I can take them to the church to see if they can help me pay the bill. 

     Where I got sunburned itches like crazy, and of course it is not easily reached.

     I miss having friends I could text or call everyday. I miss my brother, Mathew. I miss my sister-in-law, Nichole. I miss my nieces and nephews. I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't think about them. I wonder how they are doing. I have not heard back from Rachel lately. I know she is not feeling well. The only person I talk to everyday is my dad, other than Caleb. 

     We have been talking about Afghanistan. The innocent civilians are on my mind, as well as our military members. 

     I have been fortunate enough to be able to avoid Covid-19 so far. I hope my luck continues. I try to stay at home as much as possible. 

     I am really tired these days. I want to sleep all the time. I don't sleep well during the night. I don't know why. Sometimes, I wake up so thirsty and keep waking up to drink. Sometimes I wake up because I cannot cool off enough. I am too hot. Sometimes, I just can't rest my mind. like tonight. 

     I normally don't sleep well before I have to drive far away. It's a big deal, and I have alot to remember to take with me. One time, I forgot my toilet wand! I cannot reach to wipe my butt without the damn thing! Ugh! 

     I have a big load of laundry in the dryer that I want to make sure gets dry before we go, so I can move the laundry from the washer to the dryer.

     I need to take a shower and put on some clean clothes, and want to do my hair. 

     I am trying to come up with a plan to pay off my debts. I am in the hole about $25,000  in credit card debt alone. That is what I am focused on paying off. Every time I get close to paying one off, I have to use it again. For instance, I just spent more than  $300 on Caleb's clothes on a store credit card. It was necessary because he is growing, so I don't feel like it was wasted. It's just sad because I work so hard to almost pay the card off, and now I am back at square one. I am trying to budget better, but groceries are only getting more expensive. The electric bill is almost $400 a month in the summer. I can't wait for cooler weather. My bank account can't wait to not have to pay so much for air conditioning. 

     My dad and my Aunt Lisa have been helping me make ends meet lately. Well, my Aunt Lisa has been helping me for a long time already. My dad just started helping me. I lost $400/month in food stamps a couple months ago. That was a big hit. I need my child support ASAP. A child was not conceived alone, and I should not bear the burden of paying all the bills to support him alone. 

     I wonder how Christinia is doing. I tried to text her, but she didn't respond. She probably blocked me, or changed her number. 

     There have been days when I did not feel it worth it to keep living. My sister, Sherri doesn't want to talk to me. My brother, Eric, doesn't want to talk to me. My brother, Mathew, doesn't want to talk to me. My sister-in-law, Nichole doesn't want to talk to me. I feel left out. I feel unloved. I don't like feeling this way. I want to have my own family. I am reaching out to Wounded Warrior Project to join their groups. I am focusing on bettering my health with Virta and physical therapy. I am trying to come up with a plan for Caleb to graduate school early through home schooling. I am loving on Bella because she helps ease the stresses of being a single parent and disabled veteran all alone. I have no visitors. No one calls me. No one texts me if I don't text first. It's sad. It's depressing. Why am I here? I am going to take a program through Breathe4Change this year, and hopefully will make some new friends. I might try to go to church and make friends there too, but I am not sure I am ready to be face to face with people yet. I do not want to risk my health. 

     It is now 4:09 a.m. here. I guess I am not going back to sleep. 

     I need a way to make money without getting a job. It must be 100% legal too. Hmm. What to do, what to do? 

     I can't do anything that requires investment of my own money, because I can barely pay my bills with the help I am getting. I cannot depend on getting help all the time, and it stresses me out to ask for help, even though I need it. Unfortunately, I am not good at sales, and get anxiety when I have to depend on recruiting others. I don't have alot of time to spare either. I am supposed to homeschooling Caleb this year. I need to focus on what I have in front of me with the homeschooling and bettering my health. How can I relax to get my blood pressure down when there is so much to do all of the time? How can I not stress when the bills are piling up? 

     If I manage to trade in my unemployability for 100% disability with the VA, I will be legally able to be employed while maintaining my 100 % VA pay. I have been giving it some thought. I just don't want to lose what little income I have. I know I have some things that have continued on after serving that I went to the doctor for while in service. One thing is my seizures. I had a seizure while I was at Ft. Lee. I was sitting in the day room and I was minding my own business at a student desk with my notepad. I was drawing and meditating on things , until I wasn't. A battle buddy saw me and took me to the Drill Sergeant in charge at the time. I was taken to a hospital, but I don't remember which one. I wasn't there for very long and nothing changed because of it. 

     I was also diagnosed with IBS while in training. I have GERD now and am being treated for digestion issues. It caused so much pain, that they put me motrin 800mg 3 times a day and tramadol. 

     Depression was diagnosed while in service, but I have already claimed that. 

     PTSD was caused in service, and I don't think I have that as service-related. 

     Well, that's a start at least. 

     Caleb just woke up. He sleeps on the couch most nights. He likes to be in front of the air conditioner window unit. He asked me what am I still doing up... like I know. I don't know. I just can't sleep. 

     I just bought more e-juice in 6mg nicotine. I know I am going to need it, and it is cheaper online than at the local stores. 

     I just bought some clothes too. They will probably be small at first, but I plan to lose weight pretty quickly on keto. 

     I wish I had a life partner. I wish I had an adult partner who lived with me and supported me in the things I try to do. I have a big heart. Where is my soul mate? Why don't people seem to care about me? What is it about me that drives people away? I know I am different from most of these civilians around here, and most southerners too. I am still trying to find my place, I guess. 

     I was considering selling my house, but I really just don't want to move. I have become accustomed to living here and moving stresses me out. I like being a distance from the city, and still being close to a hospital. I don't want to move away where I will have to change my VA clinic either. 

     I am still on track to meet with the bariatric surgery team, I think. I am not sure. I do not want surgery unless it is my only option, and right now, it isn't. 

     I need to get the Volvo fixed too. The air conditioning in it doesn't work. Caleb will be driving age soon, and it will be his car to drive. I need someone to install the new headlight fixtures I bought. I am not sure what else needs to be done right now. I need a good mechanic who won't lie to me or overcharge me. 

     I still have a few things I need to do on the Mazda to keep it in good running shape. I plan on having them done after we come back sometime. I need a 75,000 mile tune up, which is 20,000 miles late. I also need belts replaced, and coolant change. 

     I have a long list of things to do on the house so I get it refinanced without any problems. The last time I had the house appraised, the appraiser listed things that needed to be repaired in order to proceed with the VA home loan refinancing. I have electrical problems on three areas in the house. I do not know why, but the lights don't work in the dining area, the hallway, or the laundry room. I have to clean up the porch for sure. I have a mattress topper out there that needs to taken to the landfill. I have no idea what is under it, but probably dad's junk. I want to be sure I don't throw away anything important, but I am waiting for cooler weather to sort through the stuff. I need someone to haul it away, and that will cost at least $100 if Mark Gonzalez doesn't do it for free like he said he would. 

     I need to clear up Caleb's room that he destroyed so I can donate his clothes that are too small for him now. I need to get in there and have someone replace the light fixture so it covered. Most of the electrical sockets are bare, without covers and that needs to be done. The fan in the bathroom doesn't work and needs to be replaced. The popcorn ceiling is peeling and there is mold on the ceiling that needs to be handled. I have a window that will not stay shut in the living room, where the air conditioner unit is. 

     There are more things on that list too, but other than that, I am just trying to clean up. I want to deep clean the carpets in the whole house, but especially in the living room and hallway. I bought 4 bottles of carpet cleaning solution when I went to Walmart yesterday in preparation for all the carpet cleaning I plan to do. It has to be done multiple times because my carpet cleaner broke on me, and I had to wait to be able to afford a new model to replace it. In that amount of time, alot of filth has been accumulated. 

     Living the way I do, is like having multiple jobs that are 24/7 around the clock. Some days, I just can't. I have to stay in bed to recover, which is likely what will happen when I come back home. 

     I have Stacy from Stacy's Home Improvement coming over on Friday to give me an estimate on having the kitchen cabinet torn out and the kitchen floor replaced. I want her to do the job because I know her from other work she has done for me, and I trust her. I want her to do all my home improvement work for me, if possible. 

      I have to schedule my Covid-19 booster shot. I have to look at our cards, because both of us need them. 

     I need to find a VA representative to sign my paperwork to get my Montgomery GI bill money back. I think that is at least $600, but maybe $1200. I don't remember how much I paid into it. It was so long ago, but I know I can get that money back. I have the document, I just have to appear in person in front of a VA representative to have them sign it and watch me sign it. 

     I want my dad to move closer to me. I was just thinking that I will talk to him about moving to Wilmington again. I think he liked it there. It has the regional hospital and the VA clinic there. He needs to be close to both. Housing values are only going to increase there. The water cost is not as high as it is where I live. He just needs to work on his credit to be able to get his home loan. The city is quite large, and he could live in a variety of areas there. 

     I just finished my 3rd dew. I think it time for me to hop in the shower. I am running out of things to write. 

     

5 Year Journal Day 302

      Today's prompt is "How do you feel about your body?" I feel like I am way bigger than I want to be. I felt much better about how I looked when I was working out and dieting hard. I also feel like I do what I can do to get things done, pending sleep problems and pain. 

     It is now 2:13 a.m. on Friday August 20th. On Monday, Caleb and I spent most of the day cleaning up and waiting for the plumber to come over. When the owner of Mr. Rooter came, Mark Gonzalez, things started looking up. On Sunday, a plumber came over , Jeff, and could not get the toilets working again, even though he used "the big guns". I was quoted about $8,000 to dig up the yard and replace the sewage pipes. That's alot of money! Needless to say, I was stressing out. 

     By the time Mark and the plumber he was working with finished up for the day on Monday, both our toilets were working. Caleb and I stood outside with them for as long as they were working and watched what was happening. I was sure Caleb did something to cause the problems, but it turned out to be roots in the pipes. 

     The sink drain was not cleared though. 

     On Tuesday, I woke up exhausted and in pain. It was raining, and I did not sleep well. Kenneth, my stepdad, was scheduled for heart surgery. 

     I ended up cancelling my physical therapy at the pool, and also withdrawing from the Wounded Warrior Project : Project Odyssey. 

     I hoped Wednesday would be better, but it wasn't. Caleb had his annual physical at his pediatrician's office in the morning. That went well. He also had an eye doctor appointment in the afternoon, but I ended up cancelling that because I was too tired to drive to Wilmington and back. 

     Wednesday night I called my dad and started crying. I missed my night time medications dose on Tuesday, and things were just becoming overwhelming. I was crying about things going on in Afghanistan and my brothers and sisters in arms' reaction. My heart hurt for those who feel like they wasted their lives in deployments to Afghanistan. My heart hurt for the families of those who never returned from Afghanistan. My heart hurt for Mathew and his mental problems caused by multiple deployments. 

     Tuesday, Caleb went and spent the day with his friend from school. They met in first grade and have been friends ever since. I was invited over for a meatloaf dinner by his friend's grandma. Dinner was good. Spending time with my friend was good too. It has been a long time since I have visited because of Covid-19. 

     So, Mark said they would be back on Tuesday or Wednesday to fix the sink drain, but they never called. I called on Thursday and Mark had forgotten about me. 

     Mark offered to let me use his trailer to fill it up with our household trash that needs to go to the landfill. He also offered to have Caleb over for a couple days a month at his shop to help him around his work, and teach him geometry in everyday applications. He is from California and very entertaining.

     I stayed in bed for most of Tuesday. I was not able to rest well though. 

     Wednesday I stayed in  bed for most of the day too. 

     Thursday, I was able to get up at regular time, 8:00 a.m. and do my morning routine. I was still tired and Caleb was still sleeping, so I went back to bed. When Caleb woke up, he woke me up. I was able to get the dishwasher loaded, the rest of the dishes handwashed, the countertop cleaned , and the stovetop cleaned. I started to make dinner in the crockpot on time. I made boneless, skinless, chicken breasts and thighs, with okra, onions, ginger root, garlic, and "Slap Ya Mama" seasoning. I also made rice, cooked with one can of black beans, one can of pinto beans, and 2 cans of corn. I mixed them together in my personal bowl, and ate them mixed up. It was good. 

     I paid the bills on Tuesday night. I talked to my Aunt Lisa on Tuesday night too, I think. The plumber bill ended up being almost $1,000. I do not know if they will charge me for coming out again for the sink or not, but they shouldn't. 

     I think I went and paid the water bill on Tuesday and followed up on why I haven't gotten a new trash bin delivered yet. I went to Dollar General to replace a Saint candle, and bought 2 cinnamon  brooms! I love those things. 

     I have been going out to eat at Jersey Mike's alot lately. I love the giant number 13 with everything on it , except mayo. I will not be able to eat it once I start my new diet with Virta. 

     Last night, we ordered Domino's for the first time in a very long time. I will not be able to have pizza either. 

     I am struggling to get the rest of Caleb's testing done, but it is scheduled to be done today. I need to get it returned so it can be graded, and also because I am late returning the supplies.  

     Yesterday, I got my notes of everything I have going on together. I have to update them about every week or I get lost in what I need to do. I am still helping my dad with  his medical stuff. The only way he can contact his Primary care provider is through myhealthevet secure messaging, which is hard to do when you are legally blind. So I write his emails for him. 

     I am preparing to start yoga class next month with Breathe4Change for educators. I am excited and anxious at the same time. I hope I am able to keep up. I had to put it on a payment plan, but I think  it is worth it, at $1,000 discount. It will help me be a better educator for Caleb and I will be able to register with Yoga Alliance if I want to for my 200 hour certification. 

     So, I did not have the $1,000.00 to pay the plumber. I had to use 2 different credit cards . I knew I would not have the cash to pay them so I started a Facebook Fundraiser. I told my dad about it, and he got so mad at me. He said I was stupid , and that I was telling the world that I am a failure. I cried. I do not believe this is true. It hurt my feelings that he could lash out at me like he did. All I was doing was asking for help. When I told him that Pastor Rick offered to help me, he had a different attitude. I don't know what the difference is. 

     I am also PMS-ing. Yes it's that time again. Lab results show that I have low Follicle stimulating hormones, and I am being referred to an endocrinologist. I think I am going through menopause. 

     Mathew's birthday was August 17th. I sent him a message on LinkedIn to say happy birthday. He hasn't read it yet. He might have blocked me there too. 

     My cousins are getting ready to move into their dorms for the first time. They were freshmen last year, and could not move in because of Covid-19. 

     Caleb is going to be homeschooled again this year. I bought new books to use and we just have to get setup for a successful year. 

     I am still struggling to buy groceries. I don't understand why you would take food money away from a disabled veteran and single parent. I don't know what I will do when the $250 a month stops after December. I actually need child support, now, more than ever. I have given all the information I could to the child support enforcement office. 

     I am ready for cooler temperatures. It was so hot yesterday, I could not stand to run my errands. I came home after going to 2 stores, only halfway done. 

     There was an earthquake in Haiti, and I wonder if Suzette has any family there still. 

     It is still hurricane season. Fall seasonal items are coming to stores. 

     It is now 3:19 a.m. here. 

     I know this journal entry is scattered. That's what happens when I have so much to say and am trying to remember everything. 

     Today,  a plumber is coming over to fix the sink drain in the hallway bathroom. Also, I asked Stacy to come over and give me a quote to remove the moldy cabinet under the kitchen sink, and replace the kitchen floor with the vinyl plank I bought a few years ago. I need to get things fixed around here before they get worse. I cannot get my house refinanced until the items listed on the last VA appraisal are fixed. My dad is going to help me pay to have the kitchen repaired because Dona Sharon tore up the floor by scraping the chair along on the floor when she was trying to cook. 

     The mold came from under the kitchen sink because there was a leak that I did not have the money to pay a plumber to fix, so it got worse. One of the cabinet doors is missing now. It fell off the hinges and I guess we threw it out. 

     I need the bathroom fan replaced with the new one I already bought, and the bathroom ceiling popcorn paint removed and replaced with the new ceiling paint I bought. 

     I need the lighting in the hallway and the laundry room fixed. I have no idea why they are not working. I need Caleb's light fixture replaced on his bedroom ceiling. I need the face plates to the electrical sockets replaced. I might need to pay the electrician to route the wiring into the house for the window unit that we had to buy last year, I think. Ugh. So many more things that have to be fixed outside too. There are holes on the outside of the house where the water faucets were removed but not filled in. There are places that need to be sanded down and painted over. 

     Then there is just the major house cleaning that needs to happen before anyone comes over and takes photos. Caleb's room and the guest room have both been taken over by Caleb. We have started on cleaning up the living room, but we are not finished yet. We still have some left under the sofa to shop vac, and other floor spaces too. Then it has to pet vac'd. Then it has to be shampooed, but only after I have pet vac'd until I can't pet vac anymore! There is so much sand in the carpet!  

     I finally got most of the hallway bathroom cleaned up in preparation for the plumber. That has needed to happen for a long time now. I need to get the laundry started again, and wash the washing machine with cleaner I bought. 

     I donated 2 trash bags of my clothes that I no longer use. I have one more bag of my stuff, and one bag of Caleb's clothes that are too small to donate. 

     I need to get the junk off of the incline trainer so I can begin to walk again. I bought a cork yoga mat, and it came in the mail the other day. I have not opened the box yet though. I got my Virta box too, and have not opened it yet either.

     Virta has an app with the orientation materials I need to complete. It's alot of stuff, and I am trying to get it all done so I can start the program. I may not be ready to not be able to eat carbs anymore , but I am ready to lose weight and stop taking insulin. 

     I am on my 4th Diet Mountain Dew this morning so far. Caleb woke up and went back to sleep. It is now 3:46 a.m. here. 

     I am trying to start therapy, but I decided that EMDR was not right for the situations in my life and how they affected me. I do not have flashbacks. I do not have visualizations or memories that haunt me in a visual form. So, my therapist and I decided to go with another method for trauma, CPT, Cognitive Processing Therapy. She is out of the office for the next week or so, so I will start when she comes back. 

     I found out that Dona Sharon is NOT having surgery next week, like I thought. She is having a 4 hour eye exam. She still needs a driver, so it doesn't change our plans to go over there.

     Pastor Rick came over on Monday to have communion with us. It was very nice, since I have not been in the church for a very long time now. 

     I don't know, I'm just trying to keep my head up. This week has been rough. I was fatigued and exhausted, depressed and anxious. Overall I was tired beyond the reach of sleep. 

     Last week R.J. and his family came to Myrtle Beach for their vacation. Dad and Dona Sharon met them there. I tried to not call as frequently for those days, so they could enjoy the grandkids, but I was silently stressing out. I did not know how I would be able to pay for the plumber. My eating got out of control. I was eating entirely too much, and my foods were including carbs. I was not sleeping well at all. I needed to write in my journal, but couldn't stay awake to do it, and get all  these things off my chest and off my back. 

     It is now 4:02 a.m. I woke up because I could not get comfortable.  I was too hot. It doesn't help that I got sunburned from being outside so long on Monday. 

     Last night my dad flew into a rage while we were on the phone. It was not directed at me, but Dona Sharon. It was scary, even though I was not there. It is a very big reminder that I cannot invite them to live with me. They fight like that, and my dad is unstable. That is why he choked Caleb twice, because he flew into a rage. It's not safe for me nor Caleb to live with him. I don't want to live with someone I have to be afraid of, and Caleb deserves better. 

     My grandpa and grandma de Mello's anniversaries of deaths are approaching. I kept the roses from grandpa's memorial and plan to bury them in the front yard on the anniversary of his death. They died one year and one day apart. 

     I am running out of things to say right now, and I need to hop in the shower anyway.  

5 Year Journal Day 301

      Today's prompt is "How do you feel about your body?" I feel like my body needs work. I have been accepted to Virta diabetes reversal program , paid for by the VA, so I will be doing the keto diet with them. It will help me lower my insulin usage, as well as lose weight. I am also in the process of being considered for bariatric surgery. Later today I will have my mental health evaluated for surgery. I need to lose about 180 pounds to be my normal weight. 

     Today is Wednesday, and it is now 1:03 a.m. I cannot sleep. I am soo thirsty that I cannot stay in bed. I keep getting up for something to drink, and chug it down. I started with almond milk and now I am drinking Diet Mountain Dew while I sit at my computer and contemplate what needs to be done today. 

     Virta has an app that I have downloaded on my iPhone to keep up with everything in one place. I have alot of beginner's information that I have to go through before I have my first telephone meeting with my team. Right now, I am on 15 units of Lantus insulin, as well as taking Glipizide, Metformin, and Victoza. I have been relatively successful at reducing my carb intake up until the last week. 

     Virta is sending me a package in the mail to be able to monitor my ketone levels as well as my sugar levels. I will also be checking my blood pressure and weight. 

     Yesterday, I had physical therapy in the pool with Dr. Nick (first name). He is very athletic and is a coach to his children. He pushes me to do what everything I can to get better. I am there for my lower back pain, but other pains have started. I have pain in pubic symphysis and in my right elbow. I don't know why. Anyway, working in the pool is alot easier than in the office. Caleb likes going to the pool with me too. I ended up buying him a pool membership yesterday. It should save us some money because otherwise it's $10 a day.  

     Jonathan came to mow the lawn yesterday, and while he was here I spoke to him about possibly teaching Caleb how to use the lawn mower. He might give us his lawn mower to use! He is such a nice guy. I wanted Caleb to participate in the "Raising Men Lawn Care" challenge that young men mow the lawns of the elderly, disabled, veterans, and needy for free (50 yards). Once the challenge is complete, the person running the challenge brings the young man a new set of lawn care equipment! I really want Caleb to participate.

     Yesterday I was sooo tired that I slept in and woke up only to have breakfast and take my morning medications and go back to sleep. You see, Sunday night and early Monday morning Caleb was awake and kept waking me up. He told me he took his night time medication Sunday Night, but clearly he did not. When he takes his medication, he falls asleep within about 30 minutes and stays asleep all night. When he does not take his medication, he cannot stay asleep at all and wakes me up every hour and bothers the shit out of me so that I cannot sleep either. So Sunday night and Monday morning I did not sleep well. I stayed awake for most of the day Monday, and worked my ass off getting the things done that I wrote about in my blog that morning. I got almost everything done during the day, plus some. I took a short nap in the afternoon, but got up to make dinner of rice and ground beef. AS simple as it was, it was delicious. I went to sleep relatively early, but it was soo hot outside that before I went to bed I drank a ton of sugar-free sweet tea. I ended up waking up every couple of hours to use the bathroom through the night because of it. Once the fluids were processed and released, I was finally able to stay in bed and rest, until Caleb woke me up around 10:30 a.m. to give him screen time on his phone. 

     Yesterday we ended up having leftovers for dinner, and I tried to go to bed early. I have an appointment online this morning at 9:00 a.m. with the mental health specialist who is going to evaluate me for pre-bariatric surgery . That looks like the only thing that I have appointment for today. I have to watch the introductory videos for Virta and prepare for the first phone call with their provider. I also have to work on the Breathe 4 Change program introductory videos. The first Live online session is in October and I do not want to wait until then to do the work that I need to finish before that. 

     I ordered a new yoga mat, yoga block, and yoga wheel. I also ordered 2 Stand Up Paddle Boards that are able to be taken apart to fit inside the Mazda trunk. I wasn't planning on buying them, but when I saw them, I could not resist. I also bought a Reiki program that I want to learn, as well as a Chakra Meditation course. I guess I just kind of went and did my heart's desires because none  of this stuff was in the plans. 

     I will use what I learn to teach Caleb as well. We are almost prepared for the new school year. He has about half of his testing that needs to be completed to wrap up last year. He should be able to complete that today, and then I will be able to mail the test supplies back to the company that grades them. I found where Caleb can use as a desk space from now on. Well, it has to be cleared before he can use it, but... it's the lateral filing cabinet top that he can use as his student desk. That way he is not in my work space mess , nor my medication or food mess on the dining table. 

     I have to clean the hallway floor again because Bella has had accidents, but that has to wait until Caleb has finished his testing. I had to call the plumber back to come and fix the sink. He did not even touch it when he was here even though it part of the work order. The toilets have since gone back to normal, which is good, because American Home Shield would not cover the work that the senior plumber said was necessary that required the removal of the toilet to access the main line. The private quote was $350-$650. Like where would I even get that kind of money? Thank God I could cancel that work order, but the sink is still clogged. I think there is a bottle cap in there because I used Draino to unclog it and it did nothing. 

     I think I want to break Bella's crate down. She never goes in there, and it takes alot of floor space in my room. It is sitting in front of my chest of drawers so I cannot open the drawers. That makes it hard to put my clothes away where they belong, so I end up leaving the clean clothes in laundry baskets which take up even more space on my floor. 

     Bella just woke up and begged me to go outside, so I let her go. She is a good girl because she did have to go. The backyard looks good. Jonathan does a good job. It was wild out there before he cut the grass. I don't want snakes around, so it's important to keep the grass cut. 

     There is alot that needs to be cleaned up around here. I still have not cleared out the porch. There is a mattress topper out there that  I need to figure out how to get it to the landfill. It is covering other stuff that I need to go through and determine what is trash and what is not trash. 

     Caleb still has not cleaned the living room, where he spends most of his time. He takes apart the sofa and the cushions are covering the whole floor. He leaves his dirty dishes everywhere, as well as his trash. It's really ridiculous. How many times do I have to say "Throw your trash in the trash can?" or "Put the cushions on the sofa and don't take them off again"? I don't understand what the problem is, and I am frustrated as Hell because I want a clean house. His bedroom is a disaster area as well as the guest room. Both are due to his lack of caring and laziness. 

     We took everything out of the bathroom so the plumber could work without our stuff in the way. Our stuff is now in laundry baskets in the hallway. I can't wait to be able to put things where they belong. 

     I updated the credit payoff spreadsheet on Monday. I have been able to pay off some accounts, only to have to have to use other accounts for other reasons. Being disabled sucks so badly. I really feel I could earn more money if I could work using my college degree. I am attempting to find ways to bring more money into our budget. It's hard. I have lost $400/month of grocery money from the food stamps being cancelled.

     I am working on getting child support for Caleb, but I think that is going to be a long process. First Nigel has to be proven to not be Caleb's biological father by a paternity test, because I was legally still married to him when Caleb was born. He has not been on Facebook since 2019, so I do not know what happened to him. Then, once he is proven to not be the father, Jonathan has to be proven to not be Caleb's biological father, because he is on the birth certificate as Caleb's father. We already have a paternity test with the results for Jonathan, so hopefully we don't have to contact him. Then, Jamie has to be contacted and must take a paternity test. It's crazy and is going to take time because things must go through court and the system to be fully processed. 

     I am going to start the Breathe 4 Change program which will allow me to register as a Yoga Teacher once I have completed the program. That may be a way into making some extra money. I might be able to make videos with Caleb as part of our school days. I can include my Reiki knowledge that I will have also learned in the videos, and help spread Love and Healing to those who watch the videos. 

     I wish my dad and Dona Sharon could live with us. I need the rent money and I don't want to let a stranger live with us. Besides, it would make things so much easier when it comes to taking them to their appointments. Dona Sharon is scheduled for cataract surgery later in the month. The doctor says she might come out with 20/20 vision after the surgery! I am scheduled to go there the  day before her surgery to Lumberton and stay the night so I can drive her to Southern Pines where her surgery will be. She will not be able to drive herself back to where she lives after her surgery, so  I will drive her. I will then stay the night there again, and return home the next day. 

     Kenneth, my stepdad, is due for heart surgery on Tuesday. He has prepared his family for his death, just in case he does not survive. It is scary. They will be doing surgery on his heart, where they will need to stop his heart to work on it. He has an aneurysm in his aorta. I worry about my mom. She will be sitting in the waiting room by herself during the surgery. I cannot be there. She lives too far away for me to drive, and I cannot bring Bella there because she has a small dog (Pete) and I do not know how they will react to eachother. I cannot afford to leave Bella at the Pet Camp. I do not have gas money to get back and forth, and the drive is too long for me to try to drive. I worry about my driving one and half hours away to Lumberton, so I cannot see me driving almost 8 hours to my mom's.  

     I have alot going on. I am also scheduled to do a Wounded Warrior Project , Project Odyssey, which is about 8 weeks I think. It is for veterans. I am also taking a class on Boundaries this Thursday. I also have to catch up on the Holistic Pain Management class I signed up for through them. I am constantly trying to make my situation better in the best ways I can manage. 

     This school year I am pretty sure that Caleb will continue swimming about twice a week or so. We might be able to start Stand Up Paddle Boarding once we get our equipment in. We might be able to do Yoga once I learn what to do. We have books for the core classes: math, English, science, and history. I would like to schedule some field trips. I would like to take him the Airborne and Special Forces museum in Ft. Bragg. At some point, probably not this year, I would like to take him to Washington, D.C. I would also like to take him to Philadelphia, and New York City. I sincerely hope this school year is more productive than last school year. I need his cooperation. I hate arguing about every little thing I ask him to do. I hate Oppositional Defiant Disorder! 

     My friend, Lisa, who use to work at the CVS we go to, is now in Kentucky. She moved when her boyfriend of several years broke up with her. I still text message her. I miss her.

     The manager at Jersey Mike's is named Kate. She always has a smile when I see her, and I am happy to support the business she runs, not to mention that Jersey Mike's has awesome sandwiches!

     I try to communicate with Rachel on a regular basis, but she goes through times where she doesn't want to be bothered, or is busy. I understand both. 

     I can feel isolated here by myself. Being a disabled adult is not an experience that I was prepared for. I do not see other adults that I know on a regular basis, like most adults do when they either go to work or school. I am alone with Caleb, who is almost 13 now. It has been this way for a long time. I have, in the past, tried to bring other people into our daily lives. There was Billy, Travis, my dad and stepmom (twice)... It is hard to find the right fit. My house is not big. It is only about 1200 sq.ft. The rooms are very small.  

     In any case, the new school year is about to begin. Fall is approaching and I hope we get cooler weather sooner than later. It is too damn hot outside. I am not looking forward to the rest of hurricane season. I have already attempted to have drinking water for us in the house. Walmart has been out of the gallon sized drinking waters for most of the times that I go shopping. I do not understand why they don't increase the frequency of deliveries. Caleb and I have not been to the beach this summer because I cannot stand the heat and I do not want to go into the water. I do not like letting Caleb go into the water without me close by because I fear for his safety. I feel much safer at the pool where there is a life guard on duty the whole time we are there. We are only in 4 ft. of water too, at the pool. I am not being burned by the sun at the pool either. I wouldn't mind walking on the beach in the Fall and Winter, and maybe even in the early Spring.  

     I haven't been having conversations with my Aunt Lisa . We use to catch up on the weekends or when my Aunt Lisa was out driving running errands or something. I do not know why I don't hear from her as much, but I suspect it is because she is back working at the office throughout the week, instead of working from home. 

     My dad still needs eye surgery to restore some of his eyesight. Right now he is legally blind. He is working with a lawyer to reach 100% VA disability, which may be the best option he has. He wants to buy a house, and I am trying to convince him to move close to me so I can help them easier. I don't want to move. He has said in the past that I should move to be closer to them, but I hate moving and the requirements needed to purchase a house are not easy to meet with all this debt I have. I am comfortable living where I live. I am not scared, like I was when I was living in Wilmington. I swear between the airplanes flying low overhead, and the sirens from the ambulances, police, and firetrucks, there were just too many loud noises that got my heart racing. I did not like being a single mother there. I did not feel safe, especially at night. Of course, Caleb was much younger then, so I had to be able to defend myself and him as well in the case of an incident. I hated driving through all the constant traffic. I never felt like I was able to calm down. It was too fast-paced for me. I enjoy living away from the city, but close enough to drive to it as needed. Besides, the biggest thing I don't want to change is my medical care team. I am invested in my team, and have relationships with them spanning over the years. I do not want to have to start over again. I do not like the feeling of new primary care doctors or psychiatrists. 

     I am almost finished paying off the Mazda. I have about 17 more months of financing payments to make and I will be finished! I can't wait! In the mean time I have to take care of the maintenance costs. I need  a 75,000 mile tune up. The Mazda is at almost 94,000 miles so I am already late for that. I also need to have some belts replaced, which have begun to crack, and the coolant replaced. So, I have 3 different appointments I have to make in the near future to take care of the Mazda properly. I don't know where I will come up with the money to pay for the services that need to be done. It will be much easier to pay for expenses once I no longer have to make monthly payments for financing the Mazda. 

     I have to remember to get the Volvo inspected while I am there in Lumberton. My dad still has my Volvo, and my stepmom prefers driving it to the Suburban my dad bought recently. Anyway, I gotta get that taken care of. 

     I wonder if anyone reads my blog anymore. I do not write as often as I used to because I have been sleeping through the night, and busy during the day. If you read my blog, text me, and let me know. 

     Mathew's birthday is coming up. He will be turning 37 this year. It's hard to believe we are so old already. I swear just yesterday we were in high school. I wish I could celebrate with him, but he is not talking to me. I am blocked from his Facebook account as well as Nichole's Facebook account. I have no idea how my nieces and nephews are doing. I have no idea if they have moved recently, are moving soon, if Mathew is currently deployed or what. In any case, I wish him a Happy birthday , regardless of his willingness to accept my messages.

     Eric has blocked me on Facebook too. He did not give me a reason why. We did not have an argument. I simply asked him for pictures of his daughter.

     Sherri still has me blocked on Facebook. We did not have an argument either. Just one day I noticed I was blocked.

     That is all of my brothers and sisters right there. They hate me, and they support Trump from what I understand. I HATE Trump. So be it. 

     It is now 3:06 a.m. I should go lay back down. I am not so thirsty anymore. Well, I am kind of. I am running out of things to talk about though. It's hard to keep material flowing when I am journaling because it's alot like talking to a wall. There is no response no matter what I type. 

     

     

5 Year Journal Day 300

      Today's prompt is "What is the most honest thing you've said today?" I haven't said anything today yet. 

     It is now 5:42 a.m. here. Yesterday was Sunday, and I did very little. Actually, Caleb and I went to Walmart to pick up a few groceries. Then I stopped to put gas in the Mazda. I came home, had breakfast, and took my medications, then went and took a shower. I fell asleep after my shower while I was drying out on my bed in front on my fan. I got in the shower at noon. I did not wake up until almost 5 pm. So yeah. 

     Yesterday was 8/8, and the opening to the Lion's Gate. Alot of high frequency downloads are supposed to be happening. 

     Today I have 2 appointments on the phone. One is with the MOVE! follow up class, and the other is with Dr. Karels, pharm D. I haven't been doing great taking my blood sugars this past week. I do not have alot of numbers to give her. 

     I feel like I did alot last week. Let's look at my calendar. Last Monday I had a call with Dr. Karels, and waited for the plumber from 1-5p.m. I missed my Wounded Warrior Project class for being too tired. I don't remember, but I'm pretty sure I spent the day house cleaning. 

     Tuesday, I missed my Virta diabetes online video call at 8:30 a.m. because I was too tired. I had physical therapy in the pool at 2:15 p.m.

     Wednesday, I waited for the plumber from 8:00-12p.m. because he never made it on Monday. My phone interview with Breathe For Change Yoga was at 5p.m. I had to fast that night for the next morning's appointment.

     Thursday, I had a galbladder ultrasound at the Wilmington VA at 8:30 a.m. I then had labs at :LabCorp. I had a video call appointment with Dr.Sheu for therapy at 1:30p.m., but I was late because I came home and crashed in my bed from being tired. I then had physical therapy in the pool at 3:45p.m. It was a long day.

     Friday, I had the Virta diabetes program online video call at 3:40 p.m. 

     Saturday I didn't do much and Sunday I did even less. Saturday, Caleb and I went to Jersey Mike's for lunch. Caleb got some of end of year testing done that afternoon, but it was a bitch because he has the need to argue every step we take. 

     Wednesday, the plumber did not fix the toilets nor the sink drain. He used his tools to try to move whatever was the blockage in the hallway toilet, but said it felt like nothing was there. He did not even attempt to unclog the sink drain because he thought the main line needed to be cleared first. So here we are back at square one, with neither toilet being fixed nor the sink.  

     I spent alot of time cleaning the house during the week. At some point, I began the laundry and cleaned the kitchen, as well as cleaned the hallway bathroom. It's all a blur right now.

     Also, on some day, I completed the paperwork to pursue child support through the department of social services. That took alot of my time. I made sure to mail it and email it. That brought up more drama. We have to find Nigel and he has to take a paternity test first, because I was still legally married when Caleb was born. I found him on Facebook but it looks like he has not been on Facebook since 2019. I hope they have other means to find him. 

     This week will be busy too. I enrolled in the Breathe For Change 200-hour Wellness, SEL, and Yoga Teacher training. It is expensive, but I am sure it will be worth it. I had to finance the tuition. It was a big decision that I took a few days to decide. In the end, I just could not let the time pass without me being in that class. 

     Caleb was awake most of the night. I kept asking him to take his night time medications and he kept telling me he already did. Clearly he was lying to me. He is asleep now, and probably will be cranky today. He has to finish his testing today. He is about halfway done. I need to return the testing materials as soon as possible because I am already late in returning them. I am going to get charged late fees. Sucks. Caleb  can be hard to work with. 

     I am waiting for Virta to get my lab results and make a decision as to whether I am right for their diabetes reversal program. 

     I want to read my books. I want to teach Caleb from his old and new school books I bought him. We really can't start the new year without closing out the old year. 

     Today is Monday August 9, 2021. It is now 6:24 a.m. here. The light is coming through the window, and it is no longer dark outside. It will be time to wake Caleb up soon. He needs to complete his testing. 

     I have to call the plumber's office and tell them he did not clear the sink, and I am not going to pay another fee for him to come back out to do it. I also need to go to my eye doctor's office and figure out why they are not getting paid for my last visit through Community Care. I need to contact my mortgage company and find out if they have received my property tax bills. I have to call the endocrinology doctor's office and schedule an appointment. I need to reschedule 2 physical therapy appointments that I missed , and one that I am going to miss in the future. I need to look at the budget and determine when I can schedule the 75,000 mile tune up for the Mazda (it's already at 94,000 miles, so yeah). I need to clear my schedule of as much as I can to make time for my class and Caleb's studies before the school year gets started. 

     I wish there was some way I could make extra money without putting myself out. Now that we do not qualify for food stamps, well, that is more than $400 a month we don't have for groceries. I am grateful to have the $250/month coming in until December. What the Hell will I do after that? I don't know. I need the child support to come in.

     I have to get the Volvo inspected so I can pay the taxes and registration renewal , but my dad has the Volvo. I am running out of time. 

     I just made a list of the things I am going to try to accomplish today. I have to go to the town office and update Bella's tag as well as request a new trash collection bin.  I have to send Serena, the social worker, the printouts of Nigel's Facebook page. I have to call her for her address first. It's already a busy day and the sirens just passed by because there is an emergency somewhere. It is now 7:02 a.m. 

     It is now 8:33 a.m. and Caleb just got back from his walk with Bella. The day is ready to begin.