Tuesday, August 24, 2021

5 Year Journal Day 303

       Today's prompt is "What was the last goofy thing you did?" I bent over to Caleb who was laying down on the couch and farted while I hugged his head. 

     It is now 2:17 a.m. and I cannot go back to sleep. I am very much awake, and even petting Bella is not putting me to sleep. Today is Tuesday, and Caleb has an appointment at the dentist's office in Wilmington at 9:00 a.m. It is an hour drive to there, and I have to take a shower before we go and do my morning routine. I am cramping pretty badly too. I am on my period week, but I am not menstruating. I have low follicle stimulating hormone which is causing that. I am supposed to be seeing an endometriologist, but the appointment is a long time from now. 

     Yesterday was Monday and I slept for the whole morning. I got up to do my morning routine because Caleb woke me up, but I went back to bed after that. I got up around noon. We went to Food Lion to buy soda on sale. I also bought grapes and pop-tarts on sale. Then we went to Bo Jangles for lunch. After that, we went to Walmart to buy my sugar-free sweet tea and blueberries. I also bought some laundry hampers and carpet cleaner solutions. Then, on the way home, we stopped at CVS to pick up Caleb's medications. We went home after that. It was hot outside. 

     We got home just in time for my phone appointment with my Pharm D. I told her about how I threw my old diet out the window in preparation for giving up all the things I like to eat for Virta on next Monday. I have eaten pizza. I made rice, black beans, pinto beans, and corn mixture and ate it with my chicken and okra. I ate potatoes in the form of chips and mashed. I had subs from Jersey Mike's!

     It made my sugars go high, so I had to confess why that was. She understood. 

     I plan on starting the Virta-friendly diet on Monday. It is a strict keto diet that is being montitored by doctors. My numbers are being recorded on the Virta app where my team can see how I am doing. I take my blood sugar twice a day, weigh in once a day, and take my blood pressure 3 times a week. I also have direct communication with my team through the app. 

     I decided to withdraw from the Wounded Warrior Project: Project Odyssey, and also my trauma therapy with the VA. The appointments were too hard to commit to with everything else I have going on. I am still in physical therapy at the pool twice a week, although I cancelled those appointments for this week because I am going out of town to my dad's. Dona Sharon is having a 4 hour eye exam and needs a driver, and I volunteered. 

     Today we are going to Caleb's dental appointment in Wilmington to have 3 cavities filled. After that, we will come home and pack up to go to Lumberton. We will stay the night there to be there early in the morning to leave for Dona Sharon's appointment. While there, we will likely have to stay in the car, and not be allowed to wait in the waiting room because of the Delta variant of Covid-19. I have a phone appointment with my psychiatrist, and my dad has one with his psychiatrist too. 

     While I am over there, I have to make sure to go get the Volvo inspected. It is a requirement to be able to renew the registration and pay the property taxes. 

     So... since the last time I wrote, the sink has been fixed. I was charged a fee for coming back out, which now I see I could have called the owner on that one, because it wasn't my choice to make it that way, but his. 

     School started for the kids yesterday. Caleb has not finished his end of school year testing from last year. He will have to do it this weekend when we are settled back in at home. 

     I didn't think I would need to buy clothes for Caleb, but at his annual physical he was measured to be 5 feet 7.5 inches tall! Holy crap! So yeah. Needs new clothes for the upcoming cooler weather. I got them while they were on sale, so I did the best I could to get them at a discount. 

     It is now 2:40 a.m. and I just cracked open a diet mountain dew. I told myself I wasn't going to stay up, but it looks like I am. 

     I am working on getting an estimate for having the cabinet under the kitchen sink removed because it is moldy, and the kitchen floor replaced with the vinyl plank I bought some years ago. I want to start getting stuff fixed on the house as much as I can to be able to refinance the house while rates are low. 

     I got the child support application done for Nigel to be gone after. Apparently it is assumed that because we were still legally married when Caleb was born that he is the father of my child. He is not, but he has to take a paternity test to prove that. 

     September is just around the corner. It is already August 24, 2021. The living room is looking better, but Caleb has already made a mess again. He has his cans and dishes everywhere already. 

     I bought nicotine containing e-juice again. Yep, I'm back on it. I choose it instead of other vices. I'm stressed and about to undergo major lifestyle changes. It's my woobie. 

     I'm thinking about bring some of Caleb's workbooks with us so he can start learning new stuff while we are out all day Wednesday. 

     Kenneth went back home the night before last. He is doing well. 

     I recently learned how to wash the washing machine. It needed it badly. It wasn't hard , just have to have the right stuff to do it with. 

     I am trying to prepare to leave after Caleb's appointment. I want to be sure to get all the food trash out of the house. I want to be sure to at least pre-wash the dishes in the dishwasher and hand wash the rest of the dishes. I want to go ahead and spray for bugs with my pet-friendly spray before I leave too. 

     Walmart was out of all vegetables! It was crazy looking. 

     CVS isn't the same without my friend, Lisa. There is a new girl there, and she seems cool, but I am sure she does not have a son Caleb's age. 

     I still have not received the receipts from Mr. Rooter so that I can take them to the church to see if they can help me pay the bill. 

     Where I got sunburned itches like crazy, and of course it is not easily reached.

     I miss having friends I could text or call everyday. I miss my brother, Mathew. I miss my sister-in-law, Nichole. I miss my nieces and nephews. I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't think about them. I wonder how they are doing. I have not heard back from Rachel lately. I know she is not feeling well. The only person I talk to everyday is my dad, other than Caleb. 

     We have been talking about Afghanistan. The innocent civilians are on my mind, as well as our military members. 

     I have been fortunate enough to be able to avoid Covid-19 so far. I hope my luck continues. I try to stay at home as much as possible. 

     I am really tired these days. I want to sleep all the time. I don't sleep well during the night. I don't know why. Sometimes, I wake up so thirsty and keep waking up to drink. Sometimes I wake up because I cannot cool off enough. I am too hot. Sometimes, I just can't rest my mind. like tonight. 

     I normally don't sleep well before I have to drive far away. It's a big deal, and I have alot to remember to take with me. One time, I forgot my toilet wand! I cannot reach to wipe my butt without the damn thing! Ugh! 

     I have a big load of laundry in the dryer that I want to make sure gets dry before we go, so I can move the laundry from the washer to the dryer.

     I need to take a shower and put on some clean clothes, and want to do my hair. 

     I am trying to come up with a plan to pay off my debts. I am in the hole about $25,000  in credit card debt alone. That is what I am focused on paying off. Every time I get close to paying one off, I have to use it again. For instance, I just spent more than  $300 on Caleb's clothes on a store credit card. It was necessary because he is growing, so I don't feel like it was wasted. It's just sad because I work so hard to almost pay the card off, and now I am back at square one. I am trying to budget better, but groceries are only getting more expensive. The electric bill is almost $400 a month in the summer. I can't wait for cooler weather. My bank account can't wait to not have to pay so much for air conditioning. 

     My dad and my Aunt Lisa have been helping me make ends meet lately. Well, my Aunt Lisa has been helping me for a long time already. My dad just started helping me. I lost $400/month in food stamps a couple months ago. That was a big hit. I need my child support ASAP. A child was not conceived alone, and I should not bear the burden of paying all the bills to support him alone. 

     I wonder how Christinia is doing. I tried to text her, but she didn't respond. She probably blocked me, or changed her number. 

     There have been days when I did not feel it worth it to keep living. My sister, Sherri doesn't want to talk to me. My brother, Eric, doesn't want to talk to me. My brother, Mathew, doesn't want to talk to me. My sister-in-law, Nichole doesn't want to talk to me. I feel left out. I feel unloved. I don't like feeling this way. I want to have my own family. I am reaching out to Wounded Warrior Project to join their groups. I am focusing on bettering my health with Virta and physical therapy. I am trying to come up with a plan for Caleb to graduate school early through home schooling. I am loving on Bella because she helps ease the stresses of being a single parent and disabled veteran all alone. I have no visitors. No one calls me. No one texts me if I don't text first. It's sad. It's depressing. Why am I here? I am going to take a program through Breathe4Change this year, and hopefully will make some new friends. I might try to go to church and make friends there too, but I am not sure I am ready to be face to face with people yet. I do not want to risk my health. 

     It is now 4:09 a.m. here. I guess I am not going back to sleep. 

     I need a way to make money without getting a job. It must be 100% legal too. Hmm. What to do, what to do? 

     I can't do anything that requires investment of my own money, because I can barely pay my bills with the help I am getting. I cannot depend on getting help all the time, and it stresses me out to ask for help, even though I need it. Unfortunately, I am not good at sales, and get anxiety when I have to depend on recruiting others. I don't have alot of time to spare either. I am supposed to homeschooling Caleb this year. I need to focus on what I have in front of me with the homeschooling and bettering my health. How can I relax to get my blood pressure down when there is so much to do all of the time? How can I not stress when the bills are piling up? 

     If I manage to trade in my unemployability for 100% disability with the VA, I will be legally able to be employed while maintaining my 100 % VA pay. I have been giving it some thought. I just don't want to lose what little income I have. I know I have some things that have continued on after serving that I went to the doctor for while in service. One thing is my seizures. I had a seizure while I was at Ft. Lee. I was sitting in the day room and I was minding my own business at a student desk with my notepad. I was drawing and meditating on things , until I wasn't. A battle buddy saw me and took me to the Drill Sergeant in charge at the time. I was taken to a hospital, but I don't remember which one. I wasn't there for very long and nothing changed because of it. 

     I was also diagnosed with IBS while in training. I have GERD now and am being treated for digestion issues. It caused so much pain, that they put me motrin 800mg 3 times a day and tramadol. 

     Depression was diagnosed while in service, but I have already claimed that. 

     PTSD was caused in service, and I don't think I have that as service-related. 

     Well, that's a start at least. 

     Caleb just woke up. He sleeps on the couch most nights. He likes to be in front of the air conditioner window unit. He asked me what am I still doing up... like I know. I don't know. I just can't sleep. 

     I just bought more e-juice in 6mg nicotine. I know I am going to need it, and it is cheaper online than at the local stores. 

     I just bought some clothes too. They will probably be small at first, but I plan to lose weight pretty quickly on keto. 

     I wish I had a life partner. I wish I had an adult partner who lived with me and supported me in the things I try to do. I have a big heart. Where is my soul mate? Why don't people seem to care about me? What is it about me that drives people away? I know I am different from most of these civilians around here, and most southerners too. I am still trying to find my place, I guess. 

     I was considering selling my house, but I really just don't want to move. I have become accustomed to living here and moving stresses me out. I like being a distance from the city, and still being close to a hospital. I don't want to move away where I will have to change my VA clinic either. 

     I am still on track to meet with the bariatric surgery team, I think. I am not sure. I do not want surgery unless it is my only option, and right now, it isn't. 

     I need to get the Volvo fixed too. The air conditioning in it doesn't work. Caleb will be driving age soon, and it will be his car to drive. I need someone to install the new headlight fixtures I bought. I am not sure what else needs to be done right now. I need a good mechanic who won't lie to me or overcharge me. 

     I still have a few things I need to do on the Mazda to keep it in good running shape. I plan on having them done after we come back sometime. I need a 75,000 mile tune up, which is 20,000 miles late. I also need belts replaced, and coolant change. 

     I have a long list of things to do on the house so I get it refinanced without any problems. The last time I had the house appraised, the appraiser listed things that needed to be repaired in order to proceed with the VA home loan refinancing. I have electrical problems on three areas in the house. I do not know why, but the lights don't work in the dining area, the hallway, or the laundry room. I have to clean up the porch for sure. I have a mattress topper out there that needs to taken to the landfill. I have no idea what is under it, but probably dad's junk. I want to be sure I don't throw away anything important, but I am waiting for cooler weather to sort through the stuff. I need someone to haul it away, and that will cost at least $100 if Mark Gonzalez doesn't do it for free like he said he would. 

     I need to clear up Caleb's room that he destroyed so I can donate his clothes that are too small for him now. I need to get in there and have someone replace the light fixture so it covered. Most of the electrical sockets are bare, without covers and that needs to be done. The fan in the bathroom doesn't work and needs to be replaced. The popcorn ceiling is peeling and there is mold on the ceiling that needs to be handled. I have a window that will not stay shut in the living room, where the air conditioner unit is. 

     There are more things on that list too, but other than that, I am just trying to clean up. I want to deep clean the carpets in the whole house, but especially in the living room and hallway. I bought 4 bottles of carpet cleaning solution when I went to Walmart yesterday in preparation for all the carpet cleaning I plan to do. It has to be done multiple times because my carpet cleaner broke on me, and I had to wait to be able to afford a new model to replace it. In that amount of time, alot of filth has been accumulated. 

     Living the way I do, is like having multiple jobs that are 24/7 around the clock. Some days, I just can't. I have to stay in bed to recover, which is likely what will happen when I come back home. 

     I have Stacy from Stacy's Home Improvement coming over on Friday to give me an estimate on having the kitchen cabinet torn out and the kitchen floor replaced. I want her to do the job because I know her from other work she has done for me, and I trust her. I want her to do all my home improvement work for me, if possible. 

      I have to schedule my Covid-19 booster shot. I have to look at our cards, because both of us need them. 

     I need to find a VA representative to sign my paperwork to get my Montgomery GI bill money back. I think that is at least $600, but maybe $1200. I don't remember how much I paid into it. It was so long ago, but I know I can get that money back. I have the document, I just have to appear in person in front of a VA representative to have them sign it and watch me sign it. 

     I want my dad to move closer to me. I was just thinking that I will talk to him about moving to Wilmington again. I think he liked it there. It has the regional hospital and the VA clinic there. He needs to be close to both. Housing values are only going to increase there. The water cost is not as high as it is where I live. He just needs to work on his credit to be able to get his home loan. The city is quite large, and he could live in a variety of areas there. 

     I just finished my 3rd dew. I think it time for me to hop in the shower. I am running out of things to write. 

     

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