Letting him go

     I am going through something and on the recovery end. I lost my mind around Thursday night. That was the last time I can remember clearly. Today is Tuesday. I guess I missed out on Halloween. I am pretty sure this is not the only time this has happened to me. Let me get right to the point. I was confused, exhausted, unable to fall asleep and stay asleep, and in a walking sleep appearing to be awake and conscious, but I have no recollection of what happened this entire weekend. I am just grateful I didn't die. I have a long list of medical problems that require special care. The first thing I must do to stay alive is eat food, drink water, and take my medications... followed by using the bathroom and resting. So apparently I was able to make that happen... as far as I am aware. I don't have any stories of accidents, and didn't wake up in the E.R.

    I am feeling better now. Why? I went to the E.R. today after reading a secure message from my primary care team at the VA clinic. I had labs taken and imaging done to make sure I was ok and stable. Everything was fine according to the results.

    Caleb and I came home and rested after having something to eat and drink. When I woke back up, I was led to spend time thinking about my dad and the grieving began. I sat going through all the photos I posted to his memorial page and let the tears flow for a couple of hours. I feel more stable now. It's been 3 years since my dad passed away on the toilet in the bathroom of a small motel room. The heaviness that was weighing on my chest has cleared up a good bit. I think I will be sleeping much better now, well, once I clear my head of the thoughts running through it. 

    Funny. Now I'm getting sleepy. Just minutes ago I was wide awake.  

Life is hard

     It's now 0344 and I have been awake for about half an hour already. I woke up to use the bathroom and came out here and did some hape'. I recently had another one of my zoning out episodes. My neurology team says it's more depersonalization-dereazlization than it is a seizure, so I guess that's good. I take regular medication to prevent seizures. I have similar results from both a seizure and the DDD. All of a sudden, I am not present. I have a blank stare and do not react to people trying to help me or talk to me. I can't hear anything and if I do hear words, I can't comprehend them. I am lost in space somewhere. This last time was several days ago. I was standing in Nana's room when I went blank and my hand was shaking. Nana quickly pulled me to her bed by the waistband of my shorts so I would not fall. I think she might have tried talking to me, but I didn't understand a word she said. At some point, I began to see the box of cookies on her recliner and decided I could fix myself if I picked the box of cookies up. Then I thought I should count the cookies to bring myself back to my body. I was very serious about trying to count the cookies at the time. I could not count them. My brain wasn't working properly, but I tried. I gave up and put the cookies back in the bag and back in their box. Nana says that Caleb took me to my room to lay down in bed, but I have no memory of that at all. I have been recovering ever since. Yesterday I spent all morning trying to get started on my housework, but never got started. I was fighting myself to get moving and just couldn't. I got up and did most of my morning routines, but slower than usual. By the time I realized what time it was again, it was already 11-something in the morning. I woke up around 0815. I spent most of yesterday afternoon in bed trying to sleep. My brain wasn't having it and my mind kept racing. Bella came to bed with me and laid down next to me. She always helps me relax my nervous system. She is here now begging me to go back to bed. I just wanted to put something together before I went back to bed. Caleb just woke up. Nana just went to the bathroom. It's the witching hour they say. LOL

    I am hoping to find ways to prevent this DDD from impacting my life negatively. I would like to learn more about it and how to prevent these episodes from happening. The last time it happened was July 18, 2025. They are happening more frequently. Trump being President is not helping the situation any. He bad decisions are negatively impacting me already. My grocery bills, electric, and water bills are higher with no change from our use or needs. I get alot of petition signing requests and requests for political donations. They flood my email. I have to stop them from coming in because the amount of news I'm getting is overwhelming.

    I don't remember the last blog I wrote, but since then my Pepere' (grandfather on mother's side) passed away. Caleb's school year started with his new online public school. He hasn't completed a full day yet, but everyone else has put in more than a week. He says the computer the school sent is not working properly and the screen flashes and then turns black. Caleb had testicular pain that I had to take him to the ER for. Caleb then had his prep for his GI procedure that he failed by eating during the fast. We spent Labor Day weekend recovering from the drama of all that. Then Wednesday I had the DDD episode which is linked to not getting enough sleep, trauma, and stress all of which plague me. 

    My step-brother, Brian, and his wife, Sarah, were scheduled to visit today, but had to cancel because Brian had oral surgery and needed to recover.

    I don't know if I mentioned this already in a previous entry, but Caleb stole from some of my credit cards and Nana's debit card to buy gaming software totaling about $400. That didn't help me pay the bills or buy groceries either. 

    Then, as if that wasn't enough, I received medical bills that I have to pay out of pocket because the providers don't accept Medicare or VA Community Care payments.

    On the brighter side, I was able to pay my federal tax bill and a number of payment plans off completely.

    We found the shopvac, and it works! I am still struggling to get the house cleaned up. We have a bug infestation and we can't fix it without decluttering first. It's driving me crazy!

    I am tired again. Time to go back to bed.

    Thank you for reading! Have a blessed day! Keep us in your prayers!

Having a Hard Time

      This has been a hard week. I have alot going on in my life right now. It became too much for me and I wiped out on I think Thursday, My Pepere' died, Hurricane Erin was off coast, Caleb's new school started, the house is still a disaster area, I have less money than expected for this time of the month, and I haven't been sleeping well at all. I was trying to keep up with everything going on and just crashed on Thursday. The day started off somewhat normal, but I spent most of the day in bed getting rest. Friday morning I needed to know the date, and could not tell the year. Was it 2024 or 2025? My memory was failing me and things were confusing. It is now 0326 on Sunday morning. I have been awake since about 0230. I had to get up to use the bathroom and came out for a snack. I decided to do some hape' and answer some questions I had from Saturday that I did not answer. What are the balances on my credit cards? I am more watchful now that Caleb decided to use my credit cards to buy video games. He maxxed my credit cards out! I was soo angry! Then, he used Nana's debit card to do the same thing and tried to convince me it wasn't him. That was our bill and grocery money! Now I have to find a way to pay the bills I was going to pay with that money some other way. I can't earn money. I can't hold a job even if I wanted to, and right now, I do want to. I need the extra income. Groceries are expensive and so are our bills. I'm soo stressed out. Hurricanes already stress me out. The whole season is just one big anxiety attack waiting to happen. 

    My email is getting flooded by all the Trump news, petitions, and money-raising attempts to fight Trump. It's too much to read and act on alot of the times, and I have to delete them without even opening them. I can only do so much. I don't have money to donate, but I will sign petitions. I'm so stressed. My medications aren't strong enough for another Trump Administration.

    Thank God we were not hit by Hurricane Erin, but it looks like we are going to have a busy hurricane season this year. If I could move away, I likely would. I want to be away from where hurricanes can hit. It would be great if the temperatures weren't so high. My air conditioning cannot fight the 90-degree plus temperatures as hard as I would like it to. I am heat intolerant. I was close to a heat stroke while I served in the Army. There is no amount of water to prevent how my body reacts to the heat. I have had to stay home and rest and try to take care of myself. 

    My Pepere' is my grandpa on my mom's side of the family. He passed away. I don't do well with death. I am just trying to care for myself the best I can. He didn't want a funeral. I would not be able to go anyway. I can't travel like I did when I was younger. I have a full house with Caleb, Nana, Bella, and Bubba to care for. Not to mention that even if it was just me, I wouldn't have the energy required anyway. 

    Caleb's new school started Wednesday and we ended up missing the first few days. Caleb was having trouble with his computer the school loaned. His new school is an online public school. I wasn't doing well, and could not supervise him due to trying to take care of myself. I thought I would have to return the computer, but I think I was able to restore the computer to functioning properly.

    I was still tired yesterday. I woke up at 0500 and stayed awake for a few hours before needing to go back to sleep. I then got up again around 1030 or so. I stayed up for another few hours and wanted to take a nap, but couldn't. I was getting too many notifications on my phone to fall asleep. I got up and worked on how I could pay the rest of the bills. After that is when I began working on Caleb's loaner computer for school. Eventually, I got up and began washing dishes to catch up on the mess in the kitchen, and I was able to cook dinner. We had salmon with black beans and rice.

    On a better note, I weighed in under 300lbs recently. I have also been in ketosis for 3 days straight now. I am trying to avoid buying Breyer's Cookies N Cream ice cream. I love it, but it's not a part of the diet that is going to help me control my diabetes or lose weight.

    I keep cleaning in the house only to have Caleb follow me and destroy everything again. He is worse now that he is 16 than when he was 4! I'm going to have a long talk with him soon. I can't keep living this way. It's not healthy for anyone, especially me when I put the little energy I have into making progress and he wipes it away in a flash!

    I'm ready to go back to bed. I think I got off my chest what I needed to.

    Thank you for reading! Have a blessed day! Keep us in your prayers! 

I Survived

     It is now 1208 on Tuesday morning and I just got up to have my Breyer's Cookies & Cream ice cream. I need to be awake for a little while before trying to go back to sleep. I was looking at some of the classes I purchased and never completed. I was going to try to learn something new, but Caleb is awake and out here making a tea with fresh mint leaves. He is wide awake. He just went back to his room, so it is quiet out here now.

    I had an incident a couple of days ago. I think it happened on Friday afternoon. I wasn't feeling good all of a sudden and I went to Nana's room to wait for her to come out of the bathroom. Normally I would talk to her from the hallway while she is in the bathroom. This time I didn't. I don't know what happened. I came to the conclusion much later that I had a psychotic break. I was not in touch with reality and it was scary for not only me, but my family members living with me. Caleb had to help me get out of Nana's way so she could make it to her bed. For some reason I thought I was in my room, and she was trying to get into my bed, but that was not the case. Nana said I had a weird smile on my face as she was telling me she needed me to get out of her way. Caleb got angry at me. I had no idea what I was doing wrong. I was not thinking right. I could not tell if what I was witnessing was real or not. I could not speak out. Caleb helped me get to bed where I must have fallen asleep right away. I only have memory of standing in Nana's room. I went in there to let her know that I was not feeling well, and the words never came out of my mouth. Caleb thought I was high, but I did not take anything that would cause me to react that way. I have a history of seizures, heat injuries, high blood pressure, diabetes type 2, and psychosis. I have not had any trouble with pyschosis since my hospitalization back in 2013 I think it was. I have taken my medications religiously in order to prevent hospitalization again. It was scary. I did not have control over myself. I am grateful I did not harm myself or anyone else and that I was safe at home. I still do not know what I did to cause that situation to occur. 

    I was able to rest. Having sufficient rest is so important to my health. Yesterday I was able to sit with my emotions and process them. I never really felt ok to cry about my dad's passing away. I was in charge of things as soon as I found out he died that early morning from the E.R. I took care of things the best I could with having little knowledge about what exactly needed to be done. I wanted to secure Nana's future right away, and I did. I wanted to bury my dad in a veteran's cemetery, and I did. I kept my head on my shoulders and in the game of life as it was unfolding, but never really sat and felt my big emotions come out. I have been grieving silently all this time carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I finally got those deep sighs and tears out yesterday while viewing the photos I posted to his memorial page. It was a huge relief. I have been so depressed and struggling to get by. My energy hasn't been what I know it can be. I have had little to no energy from being so depressed. I had to really sit here and let my heart and mind heal. It took some time. I have never lost someone close to me before. My dad was my closest living relative that still talked to me. I miss him every single day. I have done nothing but work to care for my family since he passed away. I have given very little time to myself to sit with my emotions and just cry it out like I needed to. I am feeling better now. My head feels clearer. 

    I have my regular appointment with my psychiatrist later today. I hope she knows how to help me prevent another psychotic episode. I was lucky that last one was short-lived. I could have gotten into alot of trouble and needed to be hospitalized again. I'm glad it only took some deep sleep to get through it. I'm not scared like I was the first time around. I already have my tattoos of crosses all over my body in an attempt to protect me and and others. 

    I reached out to my former drill sergeant and let him know what happened. I still look up to him and use the memories of basic training to help get through hard times. He didn't say much, but waas supportive.

    I let people in my inner circle know what happened in an effort to get support. I was kind of expecting people to be scared and avoidant. It's hard to be open with stuff like that. There is so little understanding of what is actually happening and even doctors shy away. It wasn't my fault. I did nothing to cause this to happen. In the past I have used things like delta-8 or delta-9 and had bad outcomes. I used them to help ease my physical pain and help me rest. Several times Caleb got scared and called the ambulance. He said I was unreactive. Well, when I haven't slept well and I was in pain, it seemed like the logical thing to do to get some rest. He would try to wake me, and I would not respond. I was just that tired and exhausted. I need to talk more. I need to let him know in advance how bad things are for me and how badly I need to be left alone to rest. It's just that simple. My medications aren't always enough to keep my pain levels down. I don't normally get quality sleep. It takes its' toll on me after awhile and I can't think straight. I'm left with no other options but to use something other than my prescribed medications, because I have already taken what I was prescribed. 

    In any case, I don't remember what led me to feeling badly on Friday. I was ok and then all of a sudden I had to find safety where I could wait for Nana to get out of the bathroom and talk to her. By the time she got to her room, I was no longer feeling present in my body. I was just a shell, just my body. I was not having clear thoughts or thoughts that I remember that had anything to do with what was really occurring in front of me. 

    Anyway, I'm glad that is over.

    Bella came out of my room to beg me to go back to bed. Poor girl doesn't like being in a bed without a person. She normally goes between my bed at night, and Nana's bed during the day. She loves to be at peace and rest easy. My girl is getting old on me. I don't know what I will do when she crosses the rainbow bridge. I hope she meets up with my dad on the other side. I'm going to miss her. Bubba isn't much younger than she is estimated to be. I will lose him too. I won't adopt more pets. I can't afford the vet bills for my poor dogs. They love me unconditionally though and are good emotional support animals. I know Bella was worried about me the way she nested as close as she could get without pushing me out of the bed. She was happy I was back to normal and just couldn't get close enough to my side. 

    Life can be so hard. I have so many medical problems. I just told Caleb about my delta-8 and delta-9 use and why it's important that we communicate so I get the rest I need without having to call 911. 

    I hope for better days ahead. I have guided meditations that I am trying to use daily that should help me re-calibrate. I have alot of work in front of me too. I have gotten behind, and Caleb has made things worse because he does not clean up after himself. He leaves trash everywhere in the house and cannot seem to put trash in the trash can where it belongs. He drives me crazy. He has those teenager attitudes and mood swings that are hard to deal with. He hasn't been taking his morning medications or afternoon medication because he hasn't been getting up in the morning when I get him up. He falls back asleep and misses the time to take his meds. I am taking deep breaths to get through our hardships. I just need to stay focused and we have to prepare for the school year starting on August 20. 

    I have slowly been getting slower and slower about being able to do things I used to do easily. It took me longer to get a shower recently because I just couldn't manage to get my energy level up enough to handle the burden. I'm getting all kinds of political emails trying to raise money and to sign petitions. I can't keep up with them anymore. It's too much to handle. I sign petitions on the days I have the mental strength. I don't have money to donate. I worry about paying the bills and buying groceries all of the time. The more I have to hear about Trump and his MAGA cult, the more stressed out I get. It's not something I can run away from. It's not something I can do something directly about either. I just want peace. Inner peace. Outer peace. Just peace and harmony. 

    I'm getting tired. It's now 0122. I'm going to bed.

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day!

It's Been Awhile

     It's been awhile since I last wrote anything. Days are going by like a flash. I can't keep up with everything that's going on around me. I definitely can't keep up with everything going on in the political envirnment here in the United States. On top of everything else, it's hurricane season here in the Southeast. I'm stressed to the max. It happens this way with hurricane season every year. I'm never able to fully prepare for evacuation. I never have enough money to put some away to pay for a motel somewhere. I have had to use my credit cards to buy groceries lately. I am having trouble with my bank. They are putting holds on all my mobile deposits for 7 business days, which total to 9 days. I need the money Nana pays me for groceries, and don't have access to it even though it has been deposited. It's driving me crazy inside. If there is one thing I aim to do, it is to pay the bills on time and keep groceries in the house. This bank situation makes it that much harder on me.

    Caleb tore through the house looking for a computer charging cable and now the house is in worse condition than it was before. Nothing is where it belongs. So much stuff is on the floor that it is hard for me to get around. It is dangerous because both doorways are blocked in a a way that I cannot get the wheelchair out with Nana in it in case of an emergency. 

    It has been so hot that I want ice cream frequently. It's not the no sugar added ice cream either. It's the Breyer's Cookies and Cream ice cream which I have found to be a comfort food. It brings me back to the days that my dad took Mathew and me to Dairy Queen. I miss my dad and my brother so much. My dad passed away about 3 years ago. Mathew is still alive as far as I know, but he doesn't talk to me anymore since the first term of Trump when he supported him and I had things to write about it.

    The heat is so bad during the day that it is hard for me to get any work done. When I do get work done, it is normally later in the day to clean the kitchen and cook dinner. I was able to buy a portable air conditioner to replace the window unit that is literally falling apart, but when Caleb plugged it in, he did not fully put it together. It overfilled with water, and flooded where it was standing. He had to remove the portable sir conditioner and put it outside to clean up the water. So we are not getting use out of it right now. It has to be drained and properly put together before we can plug it in again. We need to find the manual that came with it, and all the parts. We can't do that now because everything where it was unboxed is now in a huge pile of stuff that belongs to the air conditioner and stuff Caleb pulled apart looking for his computer charging cable. It's not going to be easy to clean up the living room, but I am going to try today.

    The laundy room is worse than it was before too. Caleb took apart storage boxes and just put everything on the floor, without putting things back where he found them. I can't reach the washing machine nor dryer right now, and there is a mountain of laundry to be washed. I can hardly get to the back door to let the dogs outside.

    I have been getting soaked in my own sweat while washing dishes and cooking at night. Dinner is happening later everyday. Usually I would start around 1630, but not anymore. Now we are not getting our dinner served until after my 1900 alarm. I am going to bed soaked in my own sweat because I don't have the energy to take a shower after working in the kitchen every night. I just dry off by laying on my bed in front of my portable air conditioner in my bedroom.

    Yesterday was the 4th of July. We did not do anything to celebrate at all. No fireworks, no barbeque, nothing. I did happen to go to Walmart and buy some groceries. I wanted ice cream and to get some regular groceries that Nana needs. I had a credit card that I used. Thank God, because I don't have access to the money she gave me by check. I don't have much anymore. I spent just under $100 yesterday. I hope what I bought lasts until the check's hold is removed.

    I had a strange thing happen to me the other day as I was eating ice cream in my bedroom the other night. I was lying in my bed with Bella next to me, and I noticed movement on the floor next to my bed under my night stand table. There was light coming from somewhere and a shadow was moving. I watched it to see if I could investigate further. The light didn't have a source. I looked everywhere. At first I thought maybe it came from the hallway, but that was not true. Then I thought the only other way the light could shine in the direction it was, was if it came from under my bed. It was strange. The shadow was moving, even when I was sitting perfectly still. Bella was not moving. The shadow looked like it could have been me eating my ice cream. I stopped eating my ice cream, but the shadow kept moving like a spoon to a mouth quickly. I couldn't figure it out. I got up to make sure no one was under my bed. I thought maybe Caleb was hiding or something. No one was there. There was no light coming from under my bed. The light had no source, and neither did the shadow I was witnessing. After having enough, and coming to the realization it was from another source, I called on my spiritual protectors: Jesus, Jehovah, Archangel Micheal, Mother Mary, and Mary Magdalene to guide and protect me. I thought fiercely, "In Jesus' name, be gone!" And the light and the shadow were gone. There was nothing but darkness under my nightstand table, like normal. And so it was....

    Yesterday something happened. Caleb was in his room resting, and I was in my room trying to rest. Nana was in her room resting. I was in a relaxed state with Bella in bed with me, but my lower back and pelvis were hurting. I thought I might have some privacy and be able to masturbate, but then it happened. Caleb came into my room the first time, and I was able to act like I wasn't doing anything but resting. He left with no knowledge. I thought I was ok to finish, but then Caleb comes into my room again asking, "Mom, are you ok?" I responded with, "Get out of here! I'm trying to masturbate!" LOL Oh man! Ugh. I have no privacy in my own house. Thank God he didn't see what I was doing because I was under my blanket. Still, it was embarrassing and frustrating at the same time. Later I talked to him about how I need my privacy too. It old him I'm only human, and masturbation is a good way to relieve stress. He didn't have anything to say and that was the end of it, or so he thought. When he knocked on Nana's door while I was in with her talking to her, I yelled, "Get out of here! We are masturbating!" Just to relieve the tension. I laughed so loudly and so hard! I told him he could come in. He was disgusted. I got him good. Nana reinforced that he doesn't have to worry about that ever happening because she is Catholic, and there are some things you just don't do, like masturbate with your step-daughter.

    Earlier yesterday I got Caleb good too. I told him after he was cuddling with Bella, that he had poop on his face! He believed me and got freaked out. He was asking where it was, and I resisted telling him. Then I told him, it was on his upper lip, so he starts wiping his face and his upper lip. I said, "Why would you wipe where the poop is with your hand?" And he got more upset. I couldn't stop laughing, Then I told him, "Oh! That was just your mustache!" He wanted to really get me back, so he mooned me, and sat with his bare butt on my lap. I spanked him hard. Oh man!

    We also had a more serious incident happen where Caleb's account was breached and someone bought a game. I had to report ait with my bank, and now I have to get a new credit card. It sucks because that credit card had money on it for me to use for groceries, and now I don't have access to it until I get the new card. Thank God the unauthorized charge was only $6.99, and not the total available balance.

    I'm getting tired again. It's only 0436 now. I have been awake for about an hour or so. I still have time to sleep. I have alot of work to do, so I better go rest.

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day!

    

Oh the heat!

     It is now 0559 and I have been awake for about 30 minutes or so. Yesterday was so hot outside that my central air conditioning could not cool the house enough for me. I went shopping for another portable a/c. I currently have one in my bedroom. I am heat intolerant. I nearly had a heat stroke when I served in Korea. I was working out in the field and I felt like I was about to faint. I had to be brought to the first sergeant's tent and take some of my layers of my uniform off and lay down on a cot in front of a fan with cold water. 

    I am tired. I didn't not sleep well last night. My mind wouldn't settle.

    Yesterday I went to bed after completing my blog, and stayed in bed until Caleb asked me for his medications around noon. After giving him his medications, I began to see how I could take advantage of the sale at Four Visions, Torrid, and Amazon. I had to put everything on a payment plan. I only bought what I needed. I did not end up buying the dresses I wanted from Torrid. I was able to buy Caleb a cheap new mattress and mattress frame. I also bought us a portable a/c since the window unit in the living room has literally fallen to pieces. I got started on cooking the chicken, and then went back to bed. I was tired, sore, and way too hot. The chicken thighs were cooking in the slow cooker. I made chicken tacos out of them. I thought they were good, but Nana and Caleb didn't like them too much. Nana said they didn't taste like the tacos she was use to. I told her it was likely because I used the Old El Paso chicken taco seasoning, not the original which was intended for ground beef. I was just happy to have made dinner again.

    I think it was Monday and Tuesday that I could not cook dinner because I was not feeling well. Caleb made P.F. Chang's Beef and Broccoli with sticky rice for us on Monday night. I could not eat dinner on Tuesday, and that was the night I only ate a bag of grapes for dinner.

    I spent almost all day in my bedroom yesterday and in bed. I might have to do the same thing today because the heat index values are going to be around 100 degrees. I have leftover chicken taco meat to eat for dinner, but I also have a chuck roast to make.

    I don't know how today will turn out. I am already very tired because I could not relax last night. It was still too warm in my room. I had to take my top off last night because I was drenched in my own sweat. I wear a sports bra, so it was no big deal to just walk around in that with my shorts on. 

    I had to wait for the sun to start going down before I could wash dishes, but I got some washed. I had Caleb help me put away the groceries that were still out, and then I tried going to bed.

    I think I might just take my medications and supplements and try to go to sleep again.

    ...I began writing this some days ago and never got back to it. It is now 0346 on Monday. I was sweating alot and had to use the bathroom. It's still warm in here from yesterday. We are expecting extreme heat this week on Tuesday and Wednesday according to the Weather Channel app.

    Yesterday I was feeling better. I was feeling good enough to update my moleskin notebook where I keep my notes. I also worked on updating my spreadsheets for the bills and created a new one to plan out how I will get out of debt. I decided that we needed standing fans yesterday and that I could not wait for Tuesday to place an order with Walmart pickup service. I need drinks to have in the fridge. It's so hot! I have been drinking coconut water like Nana drinks for hydration. I just have one can a day. I also have been drinking Spring water and coconut milk. I swear I can't get enough cold drinks! I have been trying to cut on on the Breyer's cookies and cream ice cream, but I ended up adding some to my Walmart order. I really want ice cream in this heat, and the no sugar added Klondikes are not doing the job. I shouldn't be eating anything with sugar in it, but I am craving cold stuff. I binged on red seedless grapes through the night last night. They were nice and cold, sweet, and juicy.

    I will be going to pick up the Walmart order later this morning. I don't foresee myself doing much else today. I have lots of cleaning to do, but I get too warm and very sweaty. It's so uncomfortable and I just want to be where I can feel the cool air. The coolest place in the house right now is my room due to the portable air conditioner I have running in there. 

    I need to take a shower, but I don't want to exhaust myself. We have appointments this week. I have my appointment with my pharm-D on Wednesday by phone. I will send her my spreadsheet that I have updated with all my biomarkers on it on Tuesday in preparation for our phone call on Wednesday. Caleb has a dental appointment on Thursday that is in person, and then a therapy appointment on Friday that is virtual due to his therapist having gotten injured.

    I am planning to make breaded fish fillets, a leafy green mixture of collard greens, kale greens, and spinach, with maybe sweet onions and tri-color bell peppers, and a side of sweet potatoes for dinner tonight. Something just really made me want leafy greens while I was grocery shopping last time.

    I kept telling Caleb yesterday to make sure we filled the trash bins and recycling bins before they all got taken to the road for pickup this morning. I don't think he did what I told him to do, but I will check when the sun comes up.

    I made a chuck roast the night before last. I made it in the new slow cooker with potato medley, baby carrots, sweet onions, and celery in beef bone broth, with lots of minced garlic, garlic powder, garlic salt, and onion powder. It turned out delicious enough that I wanted the leftovers! Nana even said it was delicious!

    I found something I have been looking for yesterday, my Bissell nozzle cleaning tool. I need it for the carpet cleaner and the pet vacuum. It was right where I left it, but I swear I did not see it the other times I looked for it. It was right in front of my laptop. I left it there so it would be easy to find. Don't you know that I searched high and low for that thing?! LOL I'm glad I found it again.

    Nana was not feeling well yesterday. She had a bad headache in the morning, so I made her breakfast of scrambled eggs with spinach and an english muffin with cream cheese, and left her alone most of the day so she could rest. I was so focused on what I was doing all day. I was back and forth n my computer doing things to plan out how I would pay the bills next month.

    I don't know if I mentioned this already, but I was able to purchase Nana a scooter on a payment plan. Shortly after, everybody was having Summer Soltice sales. I had to restock my apothecary supplies including my hape'. I saved several hundred dollars by buying during the sale, but the total was still high. I bought that stuff on a payment plan too. I bought the standing fans yesterday on a payment plan as well. I bought some dresses for Nana to go out in on sale from Old Navy. She doesn't know that I did that yet. It's going to be a surprise for her.

    I tried reaching out to Mathew, Jeanette, and RJ by text message and got no response from any of them.

    Hurricane season is upon us and I am trying to prepare to the best of my ability. I had to exchange out my glucose/ketone monitor yesterday for the new one I had waiting. I was using one called a ketomojo that was provided to me by Virta. The new one is a Virta brand that takes different tabs that was also provided by Virta. I am grateful I had it waiting here for when I ran out of ketomojo tabs. Virta switched what brand they were using a long time ago, but I had so many ketomojo tabs that I didn't want to go to waste. This new packaging is less wasteful, but harder to store. I can't store the new tabs with the new glucose/ketone monitor in its case. They won't fit in the containers they are in, so I had to find a reusable medication bag to store my diabetes supplies in.

    I am trying to make sure my prescriptions are fully stocked and/or reordered, as well as Nana's and Caleb's so that in case we have to evacuate, we have our medications ready. I have made sure to have plenty of dog food available, and calming treats too. I am trying to figure out how we will pack everything we need in the minivan. Nana's scooter is going to take a lot of space. we might end up having to take her wheelchair instead. I bought a foldable scooter. We will just have to test it out and see how much space it takes. I have to pack medical supplies that are not small like my blood pressure monitor and my CPAP. We all will need clothings and personal hygiene supplies. As long as there is room, I will pack food and drinks. I just have a feeling there will not be enough room for eveything I intend to pack. Like I said, though, I will have to do a test run and just see to be sure I get it right when the time comes. I still have to fit all of us in there. We have traveled together with the dogs before, but I was not packing for evacuation and survival. I want to go ahead and plan where we will go in case of a hurricane. I don't have alot of money, and won't be able to afford to house us in a motel for very long. I am trying to pay down my credit cards so that I have them accessible during emergencies.

    It is now 0439. I am surprised that Bella did not get out of my bed yet. Normally she follows me when I leave the room, or goes to sleep in Nana's bed. She must be really comfortable where she is.

    It wouldn't be a bad time to take a shower. If I wait until later, there will be no cold water. I take a very hot shower to wash in, and then do a cold shower afterwards to cool off so I don't end up sweating as I get out of my hot shower. With it being so hot during the day, cold water is hard to come by.

    I just tried one of the hape' from my hape' sampler kit called, "Mint Dream hape'" and it has a nice cooling effect. It might just be one of my new favorites. I bought the kit several years ago, and have yet to try every one in there. 

    I'm thinking about getting my medications and supplements out. When I take my medications and supplements is when I drink the most water during the day. I am still thirsty even though I had a zero sugar ginger ale and some water already. 

    I had to place an order for a new portable a/c to have in the living room. It gets way too warm in here for me. I had the chance to buy a bigger hvac when my old one died, but I did not have the money to cover the cost. It was covered by my home warranty system to replace it for the same exact size. It would have been thousands of dollars more to get the bigger size, plus other costs.

    I would like to begin reading my books and taking notes for myself. I have my own personal library here of books I have wanted to read for years, but never had the energy. My intention was collect information and my thoughts and write abook regarding what I found out. I hope that I will be able to do this soon.

    I want to be able to walk on my incline trainer again too. If I could just catch up on the housework, I would be able to focus on what I want to spend my time doing. I am never done cleaning. I am still trying to get Caleb to clean up after himself and not leave trash all over the house. I need him to wash his own laundry and help keep the kitchen clean. He is 16 years old, this should already be established, but he is resistant to any kind of work. I worry about his future. I already can't keep up with his messes. I'm beyond cleaning up after him like I did when he was younger. My health won't support cleaning everyday. Not only that, but I need to deep clean everything in order to prepare for killing all these bugs we have to live with. 

    I have washed alot of clothes. I have at least 4 trash bags full of clothes to give away, and I'm not done going through my wardrobe. I have multiple wardrobes for the sizes I was when I was losing weight that are in storage containers happily waiting for me to lose weight again. I just want there to be less clutter everywhere. I have my own messes to clean up. I am planning on gutting out the kitchen drawers and cabinets to clean them and wash everything that was in there, as well as throw away what is now expired. It's going to be a very big job, even though I have a small kitchen.

    I just tried "Vine of the Soul" hape'. I like it too. I don't think there will be ahape' that I don't like, but we shall see.

    I haven't been doing well keeping on top of my diet and diabetes. I have been wanting the Breyer's ice cream and all the fresh fruits that are now in season and on sale. I totally binged on the peaches I bought for Nana. They were delicious, and it has been years since I had one. I have been eating red seedless grapes too, and pineapple. None of that stuff is allowed on the keto diet. It is very restrictive. I haven't been checking my blood glucose or my blood pressure. Things got so busy all of a sudden, and then I had to recover and stay out of the heat. There were days I spent all day in my bed trying to get as much cool air as I could to stop sweating so much. There were days I could not even make dinner or clean anything. Caleb had to step up and cook us food to eat for dinner. I'm not proud of it, but I have to allow myself to be human too. We all have ups and downs. It doesn't help that I am neurodivergent for a few reasons. I am dealing with fibromyalgia, C-PTSD, major depression, and Autism Spectrum Disorder. Speaking of which, I went to check this new company that is offering adult Autism testing online, and they wanted something like $750 for the whole testing they do because my insurance doesn't cover it with them. Sooo... I will have to wait again to be tested and formally diagnosed. For now, my self-diagnosis will have to suffice.

    It's nice and quiet in here. It's only 0522 now. I had to go the bathroom, and on the way I checked on Bella. She is curled up like a doughnut on my bed, just as happy as she can be in the air conditioning with no worries.

    I hope today goes well. I had a cup of my special coffee yesterday and that seemed to help me get on track to be able to do some work. I was hoping to be able to do work that requires movement, but I never left my workspace in front of my laptop. Then it got too warm to do physical labor for me at least. I thought I forgot something in my coffee and only realized later that I missed out on adding the MCT oil to my coffee. Oh well! Better luck today! I normally add Ryze mushroom coffee, cacao, splenda, MCT oil, ground Ceylon cinnamon, and Ryze mushroom creamer with a splash of cocnut milk to bring the temperature down enough to be able to drink it. I ran out of the Ryze mushroom creamer more than a week ago, but I still have everything else.

    I am going to try to plan some things for today besides picking up the Walmart grocery order. I have a long list of things I need to do. I am going to need Caleb's help, and that will make things difficult. He has Oppositional Defiant Disorder on top of PTSD, depression, and Autism Spectrum Disorder. I am preparing myself for what will happen when i tell him he needs to be off the wifi while we are trying to get work done. That always has a backlash. 

    I want to get Caleb familiar with his new online public school portal online. They say they have educational games for the students to play. I want him to check them out and see if he likes any of them. He is really into video games like Fallout and Minecraft, so I don't know how successful this attempt at educational gaming will be. 

    I want to help Caleb get his room clean. He began about a week ago, but it has since reverted back to the way it was. I was able to buy Caleb a new mattress and bed frame for his room. I don't know how, but he destroyed the ones he has currently, and they need to be replaced badly. I decided not to spend alot of money on them because I figured he destroys everything he has, so what's the point in investing in a "good" bed. I'm sure that what I bought him will help him sleep better. He should have less back pains. I bought him a cooling memory foam mattress. The last mattress was donated and was a spring mattress. He complains all the time about feeling the springs, so I avoided replacing it with another spring mattress. 

    I hope Nana is feeling better today. I want her to well enough to try my leafy greens that I am cooking tonight for dinner. I'm kinda feeling the pull towards making my cup of coffee for the day. The birds have started their morning songs outside. I will be waking Caleb up in a little while. It is only 0532 now, so... we will see how long it takes me to get my medications and supplements out and take them, plus make my coffee and drink it. Gotta prepare for the day while it's still quiet in the house!

    Well, that's all for now!

    Thank you for reading! Have a blessed day! Keep us in your prayers! Feel free to leave a comment!    

We made it

     It is now 0448. I have been awake for at least 30 minutes. I went ahead and took my medications and supplements. I haven't been able to blog everyday like I wanted, but here's what happened yesterday.

    I woke up before my 0700 alarm and was ok. I went ahead and took my medications and supplements. I had my hape' and was good to go it seemed. I tried to pay a bill online, and was having trouble, so I tried to call the company. They would not be open until 0800. Sooo... I tried to plan out the rest of my day. I was still looking at my bills due, and trying to make sure we would be ok. 

    Let's take a step back. When I say I woke and was ok, it means that I generally felt little pain that I remember. My memory does not function like it use to. Now I remember telling Nana that before I got out of bed, I stretched and I heard my back and neck pop and crack. So, maybe I was in pain, but not as much as normal. 

    When I first get up, I normally have to use the bathroom. When I am done, I weigh myself. It is a part of being on the Virta plan to weigh myself daily. I weighed in at 303.6lbs. That's one of my better readings! The night before I could not eat dinner, but I ate a whole bag of red seedless grapes. I told Nana that maybe I should just switch to grapes for dinner every night! LOL

    Grapes are not on the Virta/keto diet, and diabetics should eat them sparingly because of the sugar content by the way. 

    Ok so going back to the bills. I was scammed maybe 2 weeks ago or so, and my primary checking account is now restricted. I had to open another checking account to make up for it. Because the account is new, my mobile deposits are being put on hold for 7 business days. Nana wrote me a check 7 days ago, and it finally got taken off hold yesterday. I was happy about that because I had no where else to draw funds from to pay the bills or buy groceries. I had my direct deposit earlier in the week, and there was no hold on that, Thank God! So my bills are getting paid on time, mostly. I had a couple that were on autopay that I had to call about because the apps would not let me change the autopay information to pay the current bill due. I was able to handle both the bills I am talking about yesterday morning, and the stress of them was relieved. 

    I needed to take a shower before going out into the world. I knew I had to pick up Nana's prescription pain medicine after 0900. I was trying to get my shower in before leaving, and I did successfully. However, I was exhausted after my shower. It really took everything I had to wash my own body and get fully dressed. I already felt like I needed to go back to bed, but knew Nana was suffering because she ran out of her pain medication Tuesday night. I woke Caleb up before I got in the shower. I needed him to let the dogs out, but he said he couldn't watch the dogs because he had morning wood. Ok then. So, I let the dogs out and stood outside with them. They both did their business, and even played together, which I haven't seen in a long time. I love watching Bubba and Bella play together. It's so sweet how gentle they are with eachother.  It makes me laugh how they play fight or whose hole is whose. Anyhow, they had plenty of time outside, and I asked them, "Are you ready?" and they both take off inside. They know what that means! It means go inside for a cookie! Yep, they went inside, and both are trying this new gut health supplement for dogs with pre-, pro-, and post-biotics, along with an allergy supplement, and then they get their milkbone cookie and fresh water. You can't say that I don't love those dogs! Anyway, I finally took my shower and got dressed. I got Caleb up and moving. I put his medications out for him. I checked back in with Nana to let her know I was on my way to get her meds.

    It was already too warm outside for me when I left the house. I don't have air conditioning in my minivan anymore. The a/c needs to be charged. I thought that after the a/c motor blower was replaced, that it would be ready to blow cold air, but I was wrong. I don't have the money to get it fixed. Sooo... I was on my way to CVS and it was beautiful outside despite it being too warm for me. I made it to CVS and I was stuck behind a long line waiting to go through the checkout window. Thank God I didn't have to wait too long in the heat.

    I forgot to mention that before I went to CVS, I stopped at the Town Hall to pay the water bill. It has to be paid in person. I refuse to pay the transaction fee on top of paying a bill in order to use my credit card, so I pay by check in person. 

    I get to the checkout window at CVS, and one of my favorite pharmacy techs is working there. He is always so kind and helpful. We left eachother with smiles. I got home as quickly as I could. I failed to mention that if Nana did not get her medication in time, she would not be able to go to meet her son at the restaurant like we had planned for dinner. He was driving all the way from Ft. Gordon, GA. We don't get visitors often from the family at all. I didn't want her to miss seeing him in person, along with his wife. I even made reservations to make sure we would have a table available for us at a specified time. Nana has a lot of pain in both her knees, and it makes it impossible to walk far. I use the wheelchair to bring her to the minivan, and when we go out together. 

    So, my whole goal for the day was to make sure I got Nana's medication to her before it was too late. It takes several hours to work. I was running out of time. I made it though! I brought her the medication right away. Then, I had to take care of myself again. While I had blueberries and coconut milk for my breakfast, I was sooo hungry when I got home! I made myself a ham sandwich and an everything bagel. I made a ham and cheese sandwich for Nana.

    You see Nana text messaged me a couple days ago that she needed a medication refill. I did not call her doctor until Monday, I think. The order was still not put in when I called on Tuesday, so they made it top priority. I got a message from CVS later that the medication would be available after 0900 on Wednesday. By Tuesday, Nana only had one pill left of a medication she is supposed to take 2 pills each dose, every 6 hours. By Wednesday morning, Nana was in so much pain just trying to walk to the bathroom. I felt so bad for her.

    1300 rolls around and it's time Caleb's virtual appointment with his therapist. I began the appointment lying in bed because my back and my feet were hurting so much, but had to get out of bed because Caleb was not responding to me yelling for him. He had fallen asleep again. I got him up and told him to get on the call. His phone crashed just as he was about to be let in the call. So, I had to let him use my phone. Just about every answer to every question the therapist asked was "I don't know." He was not even trying to participate. He was tired and wanted that to be the reason not to have the call, although those were not his words. When asked if we should cancel the call, he told the therapist, "No." So, progress made there. When asked how he was feeling since the last call, he responded with, "Better." The call was supposed to be between him and his therapist this time and focusing about his anger. That didn't really happen as he was not going anywhere with my phone. He stood right by me, while I sat in my chair. The appointment ended early, but we did seem to make some progress. I told his therapist, who we call Ms. Carol, how Caleb helped me clean off the kitchen island, and how it is now completely reorganized and disinfected. I meant the top of the kitchen island. I still have to clean the drawers and cabinets, but it was still alot of work. I had all kinds of stuff on top of the kitchen island that had to be moved, and I never would have started cleaning it off if Caleb hadn't started it for me. She was proud of Caleb's progress.

    The session ended and it was close to 1400. Nana wanted to be awake at 1400, so I went to check up on her. She was looking for the clothes she wanted to wear out for dinner. I helped her find her clothes and get dressed. I then went and found myself a dress to wear. By the time we were both ready, it was time to start leaving for the restaurant. The reservation was for 1600. 

    We arrived on time. This time, it was not hard to get the wheelchair out of the house. Normally I can't get it across the bump at the door, and have to ask Nana to stand up until I can get the wheelchair on the porch. I did not have to do that this time. This time, I pulled the wheelchair backyards through the house and out of the front door, and turned it when I was on the porch! Yay for us!

    Brian met us in the parking lot of Bella Cucina. He greeted me with a hug and a big smile. He is my step-brother, Nana's adopted son, and her oldest child. He greeted his mom and Caleb. It was already a joyous occasion just because we made it out of the house on time and together. We went inside and greeted Sarah, Brian's wife. It would only be a few minutes before we were seated. We were led to a table in the lounge area, and began what would be a wonderful family night. The food was good, the service was excellent, and we got to hear stories and updates about the family!

    We left earlier than I had planned because it got too hard to stay seated. I was in pain from sitting for so long. We were only out for about 2 hours. It was a good time though.

    We came back home safely, and everyone was tired and exhausted. I practically went right to bed. I was very much overstimulated and shaky. I took my medications and went to sleep. So did Nana. Caleb went straight to his room. LOL We completed the main goal of the day and that was to meet Brian on time at the restuarant and have a good time! Woop woop!

    Overall it was a fantastic day. There was a lot building up to it though. I was in contact with Sarah about when they could visit. I had to let her know that it wasn't safe for them to visit us at my house with the bedbug infestation that we currently have. It was embarrassing, but important. I wanted to protect them from the same infestation that we have from going to the motel to visit my dad and Nana. I had an estimate given on how much it would cost for a professional service and it was more than $1,000. I don't even have that right now. So we are stuck with trying the stuff we can buy from the stores. I started using using some as I got tired of feeling bugs crawling on me all the time. I have several products to try. I haven't used all of them yet, because the cleaning of the house has to be done first. That's what makes it even harder. We have to declutter and clean everything first or they will hide and repopulate. 

    The other thing that happened since my last blog was that I was able to order Nana a scooter that she has been wanting/needing for some time now. I was able to get it on a purchase plan with affirm. I couldn't stand to watch her without having one. She won't go out without one. She only goes to doctor appointments. That's not a good way to live. The scooter arrived yesterday and just needs to be assembled and the battery fully charged. She is excited. She was excited when I told her the news that I made the purchase for her. I am happy for her.

    I also tried to finance the walk-in tub. VA nor Medicare will pay for a walk-in tub because of the changes made under Trump his first term. So, I was left with trying to finance it. It costs over $20,000 so there was no way I was going to be able to save the money up in time for Nana to get use out of it. The whole point was for us each to be able to take a safe and relaxing soak as needed. Plus Nana can't currently take a shower because the shower chair is unstable. VA did send a different one for us to try, but I have not unpacked it yet. I have a feeling we will have the same problem with the new one, but we will see. I didn't qualify for the financing with the SafeStep walk-in tub. I was directed to maybe try doing a cash-out refinance of the house. I tried that too, but my credit score had plummeted from having my credit report checked so many times that I didn't even have the minimum credit score of 500 to refinance the house. I will work on it for a months and try again. My score should recover by then. I'm making on time payments to my credit card accounts, so that's good. 

    I am tired again. I went out early this morning to food Lion and did some grocery shopping. It is now 0824 and I'm ready to go back to bed. LOL

    Thank you for reading! Have a blessed day! Keep us in your prayers! Don't be afraid to leave a comment for me!

  

A day for rest, followed by a day of turmoil

     I failed to blog on Thursday because I needed a day of rest. I didn't get much done. My whole body hurt. I spent most of the day in bed resting. It was much needed.

    Friday came along and I woke up a few minutes prior to my 0700 alarm. At first the sun looked it was going coming out for a sunny day, but then out of nowhere, there was a thunderstorm. I got up, had my regular breakfast, took my medications, had some hape' and then immediately went to looking up Nana's medication prices through her new health insurance website. I was worried since I ended up paying out of pocket for 2 of her medications on Wednesday when I went to pick them up. It wasn't full retail price, but I wasn't use to paying anything for her medications on her previous health insurance. I was concerned about how much we might be getting charged for her other medications as these were just a topical cream and a nasal spray. I looked the medications up on Thursday, but did not have the right quantities per medication listed until I went back on Friday morning. Thank God that I found that the most expensive medication price she will pay is only $10, and that is for the topical cream. I was so worried about the cost of her pain pills. I called her health insurance company with her on Thursday to have the pharmacy part of her health insurance explained on speaker phone for both of us to hear. I tried looking up an explanation on the website, but there was no explanation of how the program worked there that I could find. The representative was very helpful in explaining the program, while I took notes.

    After that, I made Nana's regular breakfast for her. It looked good from the looks of it, but she told me the fresh pineapple had turned, so I had to throw away the brand new pineapple I had just opened to make her breakfast. I hate that! She was able to eat the rest of her breakfast just fine though. She was having tooth pain on Thursday, and had to have her soup for dinner. The breakfast was not hard for her to eat either. I was glad. I worry about her. I know she needs to visit a dentist, but she has white coat syndrome. That is fear of going to the doctor, and even more for the dentist. She has broken a number of teeth due to clenching and grinding her teeth during her sleep. I want to help her, but don't know how other than to make an appointment for her to visit the dentist.

    I washed some dishes. I woke Caleb up and told him to let the dogs outside. I went to use the bathroom and washed myself up. Caleb never got up after I woke him up the first time. When I had completed most of morning routines, I went to wake him up again. He was grumpy as always in the morning. He did let the dogs out. 

    The morning went by fast. My main goal of the day was to cook a picnic bone-in pork butt roast in my new slow cooker. I was running out of time as I noticed it was noon already. Caleb and I had an event. He got angry with me when I went to look at Nana's drink supply and found that her regular Coke was missing. She needed it to help her stomach which was feeling upset. I saw the empty bottles in Caleb's room and got upset when he lied to me about drinking her soda. The situation got heated up to the point where Caleb tried to grab my phone from my hands because I told him I was stopping his wifi connection for lying to me, and for drinking Nana's drinks. I stayed calm for the most part. I warned him that I would defend myself, and that what he was doing was considered assault. He wouldn't let go, and neither would I. I yelled at him. When he wouldn't comply and I tried to move my phone and my hands away from him, he pulled even harder to take the phone away so I wouldn't be able to disconnect his wifi connection. I had to slap his arm and pull away even harder when he got more forceful and more violent. I got away from from Caleb with my phone, and retreated to Nana's room, while Caleb was still trying to argue with me. I paused the wifi on his devices. Eventually he calmed down and apologized. I did not give him the wifi back immediately. We had work to get done.

    I told Caleb that I wanted to see his room cleaned up. I said he could start with removing the cans and bottles from his room. At that point, he was only working in the hopes of getting his wifi connection back. He worked for awhile though. I saw him move out 3 whole contractor bags of junk from his room. At the time, I was working on something else. I had a few calls to make. I had to call my bank and ask if they could lift the hold on a deposit I made. They were unable to,but at least I called. I called a walk-in tub company that I had made a deposit to in order to secure a refund. I got no answer, but left a message. Eventually I began to move things on the countertop so that I could clean it before setting up the slow cooker. I was doing ok with the cleaning until I got to the point where I could not reach to the corner to get it cleaned. I asked Caleb for help. He resisted at first, but eventually complied. I then asked Caleb to unpack the slow cooker from its box and put it on the counter for me. He resisted again, but then complied. I washed the slow cooker so I could start making dinner. I lined in with the slow-cooker bag, and then began prepping the pork roast. It didn't take long before I could put the roast in the slow cooker and begin cooking. I set the timer for 4 hours. That part was complete! Caleb told me he got to a point in cleaning his room, where he did not know what to do anymore. He wanted me to go look and tell him what to do next. I looked in his room and saw progress, but there was still alot to get done. I told Caleb he still had some bottles and cans around that needed to be recycled, and that he could bring his dirty dishes to the sink for me to wash them. He resisted at first, and then complied. I asked Caleb to take the kitchen trash out. He resisted and argued, and eventually complied. While I was cleaning the countertop earlier, Caleb decided to help me clear off the kitchen island. He said he couldn't clean his room anymore. I told him he could take a break, but he wanted to argue again. I stayed calm throughout all these instances of him resisting to work. I asked him to put the vegetables and fruits in the fridge for me. When i checked later, he only put a few of them away, not all of them. After I had dinner started, I began to cleaned off the kitchen island. Caleb moved things off the front of the kitchen island, but did not clean anything. I bought this new coconut scented Lysol cleaning spray that I wanted to try. The scent didn't bother me. I'm use to using either the lemon-scented Lysol, or the citrus scented one, so this was new. I don't know when the last I was able to clean the island was, so there was alot of nastiness under the baskets I use to hold bread and fruits, and in between my candles and spiritual tools. I had to carefully move things to the side so I could clean every inch of the island top, and clean off the things that were able to be clean that had been sitting on top of the island. I took quite some time, and the island is not that big. I just have alot of stuff on it that needed to be cleaned. When I completed cleaning the kitchen island, and reorganizing it, I was proud of myself. Dinner was not ready yet, so after I took a break, I washed some dishes. It was starting to smell good though. 

    I turned the wifi back on for Caleb when I felt like he completed a good day's work, even though I was still working.

    I still have so much more work to do, but I am proud of the progress we made. When dinner was done, I was disappointed. It was not falling off the bone like I expected. I thought about cooking it longer, but it was getting late. I started cooking late, and was already hungry. I decided to eat it as it was. By the time I completed everything for the day, my 7pm alarm was ringing. I was tired and sore and ready for bed. 

    Oh I almost forgot about Caleb's second event. It after I took the pork roast apart from the fat and the bone. I text messaged Caleb that the wifi would be turned off at 8pm, and that had him angry. I needed for him to go to sleep on time and be able to wake up on time and get work done. It wasn't a punishment this time. He told me he wanted to call DSS and have them take him away because I was "overprotective" and he just didn't care anymore. He also said he wanted to call the police because I was holding him against his will. I responded, " I'm not holding you here. You can walk right out of the door anytime." And then he says, something like, "Yeah but then you will call the police on me." He throws another tantrum. I try to get him to take a shower, and he resists. I end up pausing the wifi on his devices earlier than 8pm because of his behavior. I swear I live in a war zone living with Caleb.

    When I had enough of Caleb talking to me the way he was, I told him, "Fine I will have you taken to a group home." He broke down, and tells me, "Do you think I bullshitting? Because I was..." and "Are you really going to send me to a group home?" I told him, "You don't want to live here, and you don't listen to me. You have to go somewhere, so..." 

    So yeah. He went to bed without having wifi, which was part of his argument. He was saying that he couldn't sleep without his music and needed wifi to play it. I have been telling him that he needs to learn to be without wifi. He is on his phone and/or his computer every second of the day and he has the worst behavior and attitude. Something needs to change, and the only thing he cares about is being online. I need help getting this house back in order, and I refuse to be the one who cleans the pig stye his room has become. I have enough other stuff to clean. He is too old to need me to clean his room, and I lack the ability to handle all this cleaning by myself without causing myself serious pain. 

    It is now 0210. I have been awake since about midnight or so. I woke up because I had to use the bathroom. I want to be able to clean more of the kitchen area later today. I want Caleb to make even more progress on cleaning his room. I want to be able to get the laundry started again. I want to have all the dishes washed for once. I want to get as much trash and recycling out of the house as possible. I have to help Nana find her shoes, and something to wear for when her son, Brian, and his wife, Sarah, come over next week to visit. 

    Bella is here sleeping on the floor next to me, as I sit in my chair. Caleb just woke up. 

    Father's Day is coming up. I miss my dad. He use to take Mathew and me roller skating every weekend when we lived in Spring Lake, NC. We had good times. I wish I could remember more of them, but my C-PTSD has a tendency to only flare up the bad ones. Mathew had issues growing up, similar to Caleb now. I wonder how Mathew is doing now. He must not miss us at all. He doesn't talk to any family members that I am aware of. It's kind of sad. He is now my longest shared history family member who is alive. He won't return my calls or messages. All because of an argument about his Trump supporting. I just couldn't believe he would support Trump when we are direct descendants of immigrants. We are both the first generation of American born citizens in our family. I couldn't believe he could side with Trump under any circumstance. We were not raised to be racist or hateful of other people just because they are not identical to us. I blogged about how I felt at the time, and he was livid. So was his wife who apparently agreed with Mathew. I told them both that if they don't like my blog, not to read it. It was as simple as that. I argued that I blog to express my emotions. I was over here, living alone with Caleb at the time, and had no one I could talk to as much as I needed. Nichole claimed that I was attention-seeking. I don't doubt that. If you were a socially isolated social being, you would be too. It's like look. I'm a disabled veteran. I'm also a single parent of a child with special needs. Life is hard. I have to heal from. I have alot that I pick up on during my days. I have no one to talk to regularly. Correction. I had no one to talk to regularly. I now have Nana living with me and can talk to her whenever I need or want to. It was never about them, as they made it out to be. It was about me expressing my own thoughts and emotions about things going on in my life. It's unfortunate that our relationship ended. Even more so that it ended like that. Oh well. I can't live for them. I would have loved to have been able to be in their lives especially since they have kids about Caleb's age. Caleb doesn't know his own family well. I am not in contact with many people anymore. It's hard to stay in contact with people. I get so busy and/or so exhausted all the time.

    It is getting late. I better try to get some sleep. It is now 0238. Caleb went right back to bed after getting a drink. Bella is just here sleeping on the floor. I love her so much.

    Thank you for reading! Don't be afraid to comment! Have a blessed day!

A Good Day

     It is now 0414 and I have been awake for about 45 minutes or so. I woke up wanting some of Caleb's Breyer's Cookies And Cream ice cream. Oh man! It is so delicious! My favorite at Dairy Queen is the Oreos Blizzard, and this ice cream takes me right there! I have childhood memories of my dad taking my brother and me to Diary Queen. I miss him so much. I miss my brother too.

    Yesterday was a good and productive day for me. I was able to go out to CVS and gather the medical supplies both Nana and Caleb needed including their prescription medications. I didn't expect to spend so much there though. I spent more than an hour between hand picking over the counter supplies, waiting in the prescription pickup line, updating Nana's insurance, and going through the checkout line. I then had to go to Food Lion for supplies. Nana was looking for the yellow Windex. Food Lion does not sell it, unfortunately. I was able to buy foods for the week on sale. I was happy to get home though. It was getting hot, and Caleb had a virtual therapy appointment. I made it home on time for the appointment. Caleb showed his true colors during his therapy appointment when he got mad and started yelling and cursing. We were trying to work together to develop a working daily schedule that would suit our needs. He agreed to waking up at 0730. He was agreeable to working and taking breaks during the day. He flared up when it said that there would be no WiFi during working hours during the day. He lost control of himself in his angry outburst. He said he would not agree to being without Wifi and he wanted to call DSS to come get him. He did not want to live here anymore if he couldn't have Wifi. The objective is to get him to focus on the tasks we would be working on so we could get as much done as a team during the day. he would be allowed to Wifi after the working day was over. He would not agree to it. The therapy session went over our scheduled time together because Caleb would not calm down. I asked Caleb's therapist that next session he would work directly with her, without me present, to work on his anger. She agreed.

    Not long after the therapy session ended, I was able to finish putting the groceries away that Caleb brought inside for me. I was also able to start baking bacon for our blt sandwich dinner. Dinner turned out good. It was hard using the oven at 400 degrees for more than an hour in the Summer. I worked up a sweat. It was worth it though. We hardly ever have bacon. I am happy that I found a picnic pork butt roast on manager's special at Food Lion. I will likely cook that in my new replacement slow cooker today. Chuck roast was on sale, and so were boneless, skinless chicken thighs. I plan on making a pot roast in the slow cooker with the Chuck roast. I use beef bone broth to cook cook the chuck roast in along with baby carrots, celery, sweet onions, and baby potato medley. We like garlic here, so garlic is our go to seasoning for everything. I use minced garlic, garlic powder, and garlic salt on the roast and vegetables. I plan on making chicken tacos with the chicken thighs. I will cook them in the slow cooker too. I bought tri-color bell peppers and sweet onions on sale to go with them. I also got us some black beans. I like the seasoned black beans, but Nana chooses the regular black beans due to salt content. I got us shredded 4 cheese Mexican cheese blends for all of us. I choose the spicy version. Nana can't handle spiciness, so she gets the regular version. I am very happy to have food. I am happy to be eating foods we have not eaten in a long time too. I can't wait to see how all these meals turn out! I know they are going to be delicious. 

    I grew up with little food. I remember coming from school hungry. Eventually we were allowed to make our ramen in the microwave. My whole adult life has been about making sure there is enough food. Not just any food, but good food. I remember only having barbeque chicken, spaghetti, and pork chops for dinner growing up. It wasn't until my stepmom, known then as Dona Sharon, known now as Nana, came into our lives when things shifted. We were fed more wholesome meals that included vegetables and fruit. Her cooking was tasty and filling. We were given a variety of dinners and it was delicious every single time. She didn't come into our lives until I was already at the end of my middle school years. My inner child still screams "I'm hungry and there isn't food to eat!"

    I can hear Nana snoring. I hope she is getting good rest. At the end of the day yesterday, my back was hurting badly, so I took a Medterra gummy called " Max Relief" that is CBD and has THC in it. I took it hoping it would work better than just my night time medications alone. I needed to get good rest. I fell asleep ok. I didn't wake up in the same pain I went to bed with. I offered a bottle of the gummies to Nana. She has been suffering pain in her knees and shoulders since before she moved in with me, but lately she has been having even more pain in other areas of her body as well. I told her how to take it. I wonder if she took 1 last night. If she did, I hope it brought her some relief. She is on prescription medications for her pain, but like my medications for me, they don't always work well enough. We both suffer chronic pain.

    She told me yesterday that she wished we could have been closer when I was younger. I do too. I told her that I would have turned out better. I was a quiet child and young adult. I kept everything to myself. I didn't really start to open up until after a battle buddy told me that he thought I had Asperger's. I had to look it up and learn what that meant. I was in my early twenties at the time, and stationed at Ft. Sam Houston for combat medic training. I couldn't figure out why I was so different from everyone around me. He broke the code for me. He had his undergraduate in psychology. We were in the same platoon. It took years to learn and uncover the significance of what he told me. While I was serving in the Army, I did not have alot of free time to myself. My free time was either spent sleeping, eating, or showering. 

    Now I know alot more about how Autistic I am. I still have lots to learn. I still don't have alot of time to myself because I have been a single mother since pregnancy with Caleb 16 plus years ago. Most of my time has been spent on Caleb's needs. I have been struggling to get him the help he needs since he was a toddler. The resources just weren't available. 

    I have struggled with depression my entire life. I got help for the first with my Post-Partum Depression after giving birth to Caleb. Change is hard for me. Harder because of neurodivergence. While I was happy to have safely given birth to Caleb, I could not bear that I was no longer carrying him. Having a newborn in the home, in a foreign country where I did not speak the language, and trying to manage life by myself was so hard. It's still hard now that I am back in the United States and much older. I struggle with not having enough energy to do the things I need to do. I am still trying to stay on the keto diet, but I fail sometimes with cravings for things that I am not supposed to have on the diet. It's so restrictive. I want to be healthier, so I keep trying. It was working for me before my dad died. When my dad died, things changed with me falling into a huge depression. I just ate whatever to stay alive. I didn't have energy then. I just wanted to stay in bed and sleep forever. I didn't want to handle my dad's dead body, but I did somehow. I had to raise money to pay the coroner's bill and have him buried where he wanted to be. I moved Nana in right away so she would not have to stay where she saw my dad's lifeless body. 

    I spend mornings looking back at my dad's memorial website. I look through the photos that we took together. I miss spending time with him. I use to wake up around 0200 or so every morning and not be able to fall back asleep. I thought he was still in the habit of spending nights awake, so I would call my dad. We would talk for hours. He would make jokes, and I would make jokes. We would laugh alot together. I don't have anyone else around who can make me laugh like my dad did. That's probably the hardest part about him passing away. Not only was his death sad, but I don't have another goofball in my life to joke around with at any time of the day. My battle buddies I toured Korea with are a close second. I try to stay in touch with them, but I go ghost often where I am not communicating with many people. It gets exhausting to try to parent Caleb and run the house etc. 

    I'm doing better with my depression when I am using hape'. I honestly believe the reason I started smoking cigarettes at 18, was because of the way it made me feel. I feel a sensation in my brain when I use tobacco. It's not the nicotine that kept me smoking. It's the tobacco. I quit smoking by force when I went into basic training. I went through withdrawals and night sweats. As soon as I was able to, I picked the smoking habit back up. It gave me a sense of better control over myself in hard times. My life was full of those, and Army training was no exception. 

    Caleb just woke up to have some ice cream. It is now 0545. 

    I'm trying to plan how I want my day to go. I know I want to make the picnic pork butt roast in the slow cooker today. That means I have to clean off the countertop and install the slow cooker where it belongs first. I haven't taken it out of the box yet. I'm so happy to have a new one. My old one had to be thrown away because it was leaking from the center bottom. 

    Nana just woke up. I hear her trying to walk to the bathroom.

    I want to gut Caleb's room. I hate the state it is in. His whole life I have had to clean up after him. It's time he learned to clean after himself. I've been trying to get him to do simple things like putting his trash in the trash can for years. I can't get him to change. His room is a disgusting mess and I want it fixed. It won't take but a day if we can work together. I want to replace his mattress and bed frame as he has utterly destroyed the ones he has. I don't know how he did that. My dad would have beat me if I did the things Caleb does. I refuse to hit my son. I know how alot of people think I'm wrong, but I refuse to go to jail or prison for hitting my son. The main reason I made that decision, though, was because I knew from a young age that Caleb had special needs. I got him diagnosed as soon as I could. He is neurodivergent in multiple ways: Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, PTSD, and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I refuse to hit him for having big emotions and not being able to control them. I refuse to hit him for the things I helped him get diagnosed with. I'm trying to help my son, not traumatize him. I was traumatized many times growing up. I was undiagnosed with my problems until I became an older adult. I did have the resources I have given Caleb. I did not have the support I have tried to offer Caleb. I did not have alot of things I have tried to make sure Caleb has as far as providers and school help because no one knew that I was masking. The education on Autism wasn't around in the early 80's when I was born and a toddler. I just want Caleb to have a better life than I had. I'm trying and failing. My own health needs get in the way of me being present in the moment with Caleb alot. Usually my chronic pains get in the way of having good days.

    I try to be a good parent. I am the only parent has, and I don't take that lightly. I know what it is like growing up in a single parent home. My dad raised my brother and me by himself until Nana came around when we were almost in high school.I just wanted to provide Caleb a better future. I thought that if I could get the help he needs, we could make it. I recently, last Spring, had to withdraw Caleb from high school because he was being bullied and did not feel safe at school anymore. He was not getting the support from the Resource Officer or the administration that he needed. I felt like it was just easier on both of us if I pulled him out of that environment, and so I did. Now he is enrolled in an online public school for the Fall of this year. I hope it works out. His therapist and I were trying to get him on a work schedule yesterday and we could not get him to agree. We shall see how things go today. If nothing else, I know we will have a good dinner that does not require me to stand over or near the stove!

    I have to get my morning medications and supplements ready. 

    Thank you for reading! Don't be afraid to comment! Have a blessed day!