It is now 0414 and I have been awake for about 45 minutes or so. I woke up wanting some of Caleb's Breyer's Cookies And Cream ice cream. Oh man! It is so delicious! My favorite at Dairy Queen is the Oreos Blizzard, and this ice cream takes me right there! I have childhood memories of my dad taking my brother and me to Diary Queen. I miss him so much. I miss my brother too.
Yesterday was a good and productive day for me. I was able to go out to CVS and gather the medical supplies both Nana and Caleb needed including their prescription medications. I didn't expect to spend so much there though. I spent more than an hour between hand picking over the counter supplies, waiting in the prescription pickup line, updating Nana's insurance, and going through the checkout line. I then had to go to Food Lion for supplies. Nana was looking for the yellow Windex. Food Lion does not sell it, unfortunately. I was able to buy foods for the week on sale. I was happy to get home though. It was getting hot, and Caleb had a virtual therapy appointment. I made it home on time for the appointment. Caleb showed his true colors during his therapy appointment when he got mad and started yelling and cursing. We were trying to work together to develop a working daily schedule that would suit our needs. He agreed to waking up at 0730. He was agreeable to working and taking breaks during the day. He flared up when it said that there would be no WiFi during working hours during the day. He lost control of himself in his angry outburst. He said he would not agree to being without Wifi and he wanted to call DSS to come get him. He did not want to live here anymore if he couldn't have Wifi. The objective is to get him to focus on the tasks we would be working on so we could get as much done as a team during the day. he would be allowed to Wifi after the working day was over. He would not agree to it. The therapy session went over our scheduled time together because Caleb would not calm down. I asked Caleb's therapist that next session he would work directly with her, without me present, to work on his anger. She agreed.
Not long after the therapy session ended, I was able to finish putting the groceries away that Caleb brought inside for me. I was also able to start baking bacon for our blt sandwich dinner. Dinner turned out good. It was hard using the oven at 400 degrees for more than an hour in the Summer. I worked up a sweat. It was worth it though. We hardly ever have bacon. I am happy that I found a picnic pork butt roast on manager's special at Food Lion. I will likely cook that in my new replacement slow cooker today. Chuck roast was on sale, and so were boneless, skinless chicken thighs. I plan on making a pot roast in the slow cooker with the Chuck roast. I use beef bone broth to cook cook the chuck roast in along with baby carrots, celery, sweet onions, and baby potato medley. We like garlic here, so garlic is our go to seasoning for everything. I use minced garlic, garlic powder, and garlic salt on the roast and vegetables. I plan on making chicken tacos with the chicken thighs. I will cook them in the slow cooker too. I bought tri-color bell peppers and sweet onions on sale to go with them. I also got us some black beans. I like the seasoned black beans, but Nana chooses the regular black beans due to salt content. I got us shredded 4 cheese Mexican cheese blends for all of us. I choose the spicy version. Nana can't handle spiciness, so she gets the regular version. I am very happy to have food. I am happy to be eating foods we have not eaten in a long time too. I can't wait to see how all these meals turn out! I know they are going to be delicious.
I grew up with little food. I remember coming from school hungry. Eventually we were allowed to make our ramen in the microwave. My whole adult life has been about making sure there is enough food. Not just any food, but good food. I remember only having barbeque chicken, spaghetti, and pork chops for dinner growing up. It wasn't until my stepmom, known then as Dona Sharon, known now as Nana, came into our lives when things shifted. We were fed more wholesome meals that included vegetables and fruit. Her cooking was tasty and filling. We were given a variety of dinners and it was delicious every single time. She didn't come into our lives until I was already at the end of my middle school years. My inner child still screams "I'm hungry and there isn't food to eat!"
I can hear Nana snoring. I hope she is getting good rest. At the end of the day yesterday, my back was hurting badly, so I took a Medterra gummy called " Max Relief" that is CBD and has THC in it. I took it hoping it would work better than just my night time medications alone. I needed to get good rest. I fell asleep ok. I didn't wake up in the same pain I went to bed with. I offered a bottle of the gummies to Nana. She has been suffering pain in her knees and shoulders since before she moved in with me, but lately she has been having even more pain in other areas of her body as well. I told her how to take it. I wonder if she took 1 last night. If she did, I hope it brought her some relief. She is on prescription medications for her pain, but like my medications for me, they don't always work well enough. We both suffer chronic pain.
She told me yesterday that she wished we could have been closer when I was younger. I do too. I told her that I would have turned out better. I was a quiet child and young adult. I kept everything to myself. I didn't really start to open up until after a battle buddy told me that he thought I had Asperger's. I had to look it up and learn what that meant. I was in my early twenties at the time, and stationed at Ft. Sam Houston for combat medic training. I couldn't figure out why I was so different from everyone around me. He broke the code for me. He had his undergraduate in psychology. We were in the same platoon. It took years to learn and uncover the significance of what he told me. While I was serving in the Army, I did not have alot of free time to myself. My free time was either spent sleeping, eating, or showering.
Now I know alot more about how Autistic I am. I still have lots to learn. I still don't have alot of time to myself because I have been a single mother since pregnancy with Caleb 16 plus years ago. Most of my time has been spent on Caleb's needs. I have been struggling to get him the help he needs since he was a toddler. The resources just weren't available.
I have struggled with depression my entire life. I got help for the first with my Post-Partum Depression after giving birth to Caleb. Change is hard for me. Harder because of neurodivergence. While I was happy to have safely given birth to Caleb, I could not bear that I was no longer carrying him. Having a newborn in the home, in a foreign country where I did not speak the language, and trying to manage life by myself was so hard. It's still hard now that I am back in the United States and much older. I struggle with not having enough energy to do the things I need to do. I am still trying to stay on the keto diet, but I fail sometimes with cravings for things that I am not supposed to have on the diet. It's so restrictive. I want to be healthier, so I keep trying. It was working for me before my dad died. When my dad died, things changed with me falling into a huge depression. I just ate whatever to stay alive. I didn't have energy then. I just wanted to stay in bed and sleep forever. I didn't want to handle my dad's dead body, but I did somehow. I had to raise money to pay the coroner's bill and have him buried where he wanted to be. I moved Nana in right away so she would not have to stay where she saw my dad's lifeless body.
I spend mornings looking back at my dad's memorial website. I look through the photos that we took together. I miss spending time with him. I use to wake up around 0200 or so every morning and not be able to fall back asleep. I thought he was still in the habit of spending nights awake, so I would call my dad. We would talk for hours. He would make jokes, and I would make jokes. We would laugh alot together. I don't have anyone else around who can make me laugh like my dad did. That's probably the hardest part about him passing away. Not only was his death sad, but I don't have another goofball in my life to joke around with at any time of the day. My battle buddies I toured Korea with are a close second. I try to stay in touch with them, but I go ghost often where I am not communicating with many people. It gets exhausting to try to parent Caleb and run the house etc.
I'm doing better with my depression when I am using hape'. I honestly believe the reason I started smoking cigarettes at 18, was because of the way it made me feel. I feel a sensation in my brain when I use tobacco. It's not the nicotine that kept me smoking. It's the tobacco. I quit smoking by force when I went into basic training. I went through withdrawals and night sweats. As soon as I was able to, I picked the smoking habit back up. It gave me a sense of better control over myself in hard times. My life was full of those, and Army training was no exception.
Caleb just woke up to have some ice cream. It is now 0545.
I'm trying to plan how I want my day to go. I know I want to make the picnic pork butt roast in the slow cooker today. That means I have to clean off the countertop and install the slow cooker where it belongs first. I haven't taken it out of the box yet. I'm so happy to have a new one. My old one had to be thrown away because it was leaking from the center bottom.
Nana just woke up. I hear her trying to walk to the bathroom.
I want to gut Caleb's room. I hate the state it is in. His whole life I have had to clean up after him. It's time he learned to clean after himself. I've been trying to get him to do simple things like putting his trash in the trash can for years. I can't get him to change. His room is a disgusting mess and I want it fixed. It won't take but a day if we can work together. I want to replace his mattress and bed frame as he has utterly destroyed the ones he has. I don't know how he did that. My dad would have beat me if I did the things Caleb does. I refuse to hit my son. I know how alot of people think I'm wrong, but I refuse to go to jail or prison for hitting my son. The main reason I made that decision, though, was because I knew from a young age that Caleb had special needs. I got him diagnosed as soon as I could. He is neurodivergent in multiple ways: Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, PTSD, and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I refuse to hit him for having big emotions and not being able to control them. I refuse to hit him for the things I helped him get diagnosed with. I'm trying to help my son, not traumatize him. I was traumatized many times growing up. I was undiagnosed with my problems until I became an older adult. I did have the resources I have given Caleb. I did not have the support I have tried to offer Caleb. I did not have alot of things I have tried to make sure Caleb has as far as providers and school help because no one knew that I was masking. The education on Autism wasn't around in the early 80's when I was born and a toddler. I just want Caleb to have a better life than I had. I'm trying and failing. My own health needs get in the way of me being present in the moment with Caleb alot. Usually my chronic pains get in the way of having good days.
I try to be a good parent. I am the only parent has, and I don't take that lightly. I know what it is like growing up in a single parent home. My dad raised my brother and me by himself until Nana came around when we were almost in high school.I just wanted to provide Caleb a better future. I thought that if I could get the help he needs, we could make it. I recently, last Spring, had to withdraw Caleb from high school because he was being bullied and did not feel safe at school anymore. He was not getting the support from the Resource Officer or the administration that he needed. I felt like it was just easier on both of us if I pulled him out of that environment, and so I did. Now he is enrolled in an online public school for the Fall of this year. I hope it works out. His therapist and I were trying to get him on a work schedule yesterday and we could not get him to agree. We shall see how things go today. If nothing else, I know we will have a good dinner that does not require me to stand over or near the stove!
I have to get my morning medications and supplements ready.
Thank you for reading! Don't be afraid to comment! Have a blessed day!
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