Awake at 2 am this morning

     It's been quite some time since I last blogged. I have not been waking up at 2 am since my dad passed away. Today I did. I was so thirsty.

    Recently I was scammed while trying to apply for a personal loan. A "company" with the name of "Advance America Cash Advance" took advantage of my situation. I was desperate. I went searching for personal loans that I could afford. This one came back and I thought would be ok. They sent me an application to sign and everything looked legit. The next form they asked me to sign was for the direct deposit. It asked for my account information, but it also asked for my bank login information. That should have been a red flag, but I was desperate and hadn't been getting good sleep. I wasn't thinking clearly. I gave them the information and next I started getting text messages that my loan representative was trying to reach me. I have a firewall on my phone that does not allow phone numbers that are not saved in my contact list to call. The text messages are all saved. Long story short, I was told that my credit score was not high enough, even though I had already been "approved," and that I needed a "credit booster." This meant that they would direct deposit money to my bank account and I would pay it back to them immediately by putting money on a barcode at Walmart Money Center. I should have known better, but again, I was desperate. I saw a mobile deposit to my checking account for $2.500. I was supposed to pay $2,000 back right away. I didn't like the sound of it, but I went ahead and tried to do it anyway. I was "successful." I expected to then get my loan direct depositted immediately.  It wasn't. The next day I questioned the rep I had been communicating with. He says again that my credit score is still not high enough, and tries to get me to do the same thing again. I see the mobile deposit in my account. It was for the same amount and he gives me the same directions. When i went to the Walmart money center this time, the Walmart employee asks me if I am moving money to my own account. I tell her "no." She looks at me strangely and asks who I am sending money to, and I tell her what I was doing. She tells me, "That doesn't sound right. I can't do that. " So, I get my phone and right there start talking with the loan rep. He gets an attitude with me and claims that I am the one who is being fraudulent. I was getting angry and loud, and hung up. I ended up having to block his number. He kept calling my phone. After I went back home, I called my bank and explained the situation. I had already spent $2003 and some change on the first transaction. I was trying to see what the deposits were. Normally I can view a photo of each mobile deposit. I alerted the bank that I had erroneously given my login information away to a scammer and that 2 mobile deposits were made by someone other than me. They were very helpful. USAA is a good bank and I have been with them for 16 years. We were able to secure my account and begin investigating the fraud. I am likely not going to get my money back. It was a hard lesson learned because I was the one who needed the money, and now I am even further in debt! It wasn't long before the "manager" at Advance America Cash Advance began threatening me with suing me and taking me to court. I had to block her too. By then I more than realized that they were all scammers and full of bullshit. 

    I had to open a new checking account to protect myself. The bank told me that 2 checks were depositted and would likely not clear. So here I am in all this much more debt than I was before I even started looking for a personal loan. I'm praying I find my way out of this safely. 

    In other news, I have quit vaping. I am now "zeroing." It's what the brand Capnos calls using their quit-vaping product. It has helped me alot. I have that whole hand to mouth thing going on and just want to smoke, but know I can't. 

    During the scam, I started using my hape' products again. I use to use them daily and quit for some reason I don't remember. I have one that I used to help me through grieving the loss of my dad. It's strong and worked. 

    I have been able to spend more time out of bed and not trying to catch up on sleep now that I have been using hape'. I struggle with getting good sleep every night. I wake up frequently and it doesn't help that I have sleep apnea. When my alarm goes off at 7 am, I haven't been wanting to get out of bed. That changed when I started using the Bobinsana hape' (the one I used for grief). I knew I was depressed, but because I coudn't think clearly, didn't realize how bad it was.  

    I have been struggling since my dad died. More so since Caleb had to be taken out of public school due to bullying and not feeling safe at school anymore. I am no longer going to therapy because I got my first bill last month after going to therapy since January. Now I have bills that I wasn't expecting coming in, and so I decided since my therapist was leaving the company, that I would just go ahead and quit trying. 

    I haven't been practicing Reiki for a long time now. I think the last time I did was when Nana wanted to try it. It did help her. She even wrote a review for me. I know I need to start doing Reiki for myself again. 

    I am still struggling to get my house clean. I keep trying and not getting very far. The last few days I have done better. I am hoping to deep clean the whole house and have everything put where it belongs. I already have 4 bags filled to donate, and that's just getting started! Caleb has tons of clothes that no longer fit him that we need to donate, but the clothes already packed are mostly mine. I am trying to declutter my house. My house is small and I have way too much clutter in here. Caleb doesn't help because he creates messes everywhere he goes and doesn't clean at all. When I was his age, I was doing so much more than he is currently doing. Every Friday, both Mathew and I cleaned the house. If we got our chores done Friday, we could go out during the weekend and have fun. Caleb is addicted to his phone and his computer. I can't even get him to clean his own bedroom. He destroyed his bed and bedframe. I am trying to figure out how to replace them both. It brings me down. I feel like I should have better control over him, but I don't. I don't know any other parents with kids with all his problems. I know 2 other parents of kids with Autism. One of them has an adult son who lives at home with her. One of them has a young girl in elementary school. I've reached out for help. I have Caleb back in clinical talk therapy again. We quit ABA therapy. It wasn't worth the daily drama it brought for Caleb. He always had an excuse not to do his online appointments with his therapist. It was exhausting to deal with him. 

    It's now 0514. I'm kinda tired, but not enough to go to bed. I'm going to be out grocery shopping later today, and running errands. 

    Yesterday I broke through my hurdle towards getting all the dishes washed. I still stopped before all of them were cleaned, but I got further than I have been. I began deep cleaning the stove too. I got the stovetop and the outside of the oven cleaned. I just need to clean the inside of the oven today. I'm trying to begin the deep cleaning process of the kitchen. It's badly needed. With Caleb leaving trash and food everywhere, and me being unable to clean after him, we have gotten a roach infestation. 

    The laundry room floor is covered in dirty laundry even though I had six baskets of clean laundry in my room. I was able to sort them out a few days ago. I think half were already sorted and folded. I sorted and folded the second half and put my clothes that I am keeping away. Caleb has two full baskets of clean laundry he needs to put away properly. His drawers need to be cleaned out first, and so does his closet. 

    I started cleaning out the bathrooms. Caleb has not been emptying out the trash cans in either bathroom and they were both overfilling. I got the toilets cleaned too. I give myself praise for the babysteps I take in making progress. It's important to me to get this stuff done. The environment we live in contributes to my depression. Cleaning makes me feel better that I am working towards my end goals, and immediately changes the environment we live in.

    Lately it has just been enough to keep food in the house and get us to all our appointments. A couple weeks ago, Caleb and I had appointments nearly every day of the week, sometimes more than one appointment a day! I come home and cook dinner normally from scratch with fresh vegetables and protein. It's alot for anyone to keep up with, here I am a disabled person trying to do as much as I humanly can do. It doesn't help that I suffer chronic pains in my back and pelvis, or that I have conditions that cause chronic pains elsewhere. I struggle without the depression, so imagine how hard it must be with it. 

    I miss my dad. He had jokes all the time. I can't joke like he did, or like I did when I was with him. He brought out my comedic genius. Laughter is good. I'm glad Nana is here with me. I keep trying to do better because I have her here, otherwise I might just give up completely. We talk daily all throughout the day. She is the partner I don't have. I wish I had a life partner.

    I reached out to Nigel yesterday. I miss him. We struggled together and had good times together. I often wonder how things could have been different had we gone to marriage counseling instead of just shooting for divorce right away.

    I miss the Mathew I knew. I don't know him anymore and it saddens me. He was the only one besides my dad who was with me for most of my life. I hope he is doing well, and his kids are too.

    I need to get my minivan repaired again. I have to save up to get it fixed.

    I am struggling with the VA to get my walk-in tub installed. They are going to make me fight every step of the way because they just don't get how much I need it. I'm not the only one in the house who needs it either. Nana needs a safe way to bathe too.

    I need my oven door replaced. The handle keeps breaking away from the door. I can't keep paying the fee only to have the repairman drill a screw in it to only last a month or two before breaking again.

    I need to figure out how to clear the carpet cleaner of the dog hair that is caught in it keeping it from picking up the water from the carpet. I found some videos on the manufacturer's website that should help me figure it out. 

    Just so much work for one disabled mother. 

    I can't even keep up with current events anymore. There is so much negativity with Trump as President. It never ends. I get so overwhelmed with all the emails I get asking me to sign petitions and donate money. Alot of the time I can't bother to read them and just delete them anymore. It's unfortunate. I pray for the United States and all its people. I wait for the day for Trump to end. 

    I'm hoping to get more work done today. I hope that today is not a rainy day because I have to go pickup a Walmart order, go to CVS to pickup, and shop at Food Lion. There will be alot of stuff to bring inside the house. 

    Mondays are normally the hardest days of the week for me. If I have been able to rest at all, it might be easier, but usually that is not the case. I have long lists of things I need to get to get done. I keep a notebook because my memory is bad. With lists this long, it's no wonder I can't remember everything I need to do! 

    I want to begin reading my books again. I rarely have time to just sit and relax, and when I do, I try to sleep.

    I had a goal to write my own book. I haven't been working on it at all. 

    I had another goal to start walking on my incline trainer again. I haven't started doing that either. I can't use the incline trainer with all the junk on top of it. Every time I clear it, Caleb puts more stuff back on it.

    I gave up on trying to run my own business in Reiki practice. I don't have the time and money it requires to keep going. It takes alot of advertising just to get my name out there. It's expensive and easy to get scammed on that too.

    The sun is coming up. It's getting closer to my alarm time , 7am. I should probably go ahead and get my morning meds ready to take, and get ready for the day. I have to make sure Caleb took the trash and recycling bins out for pickup too. 

    Thank you for reading! Have a blessed day!