Just Woke Up

     It is now 0152 and I just got out of bed to get something to drink. I guess I am awake now. I'm still thirsty like you wouldn't believe. I think it's part of my diabetes. Yesterday I had a recovery day from the day before. Friday I ended up doing alot and causing myself to have a fibromyalgia flare up which means my whole body was in pain that I couldn't relieve. Yeah, I'm still tired.

    Friday is when I wrote my last blog. It set me up to do alot of work that day. I had the clarity I needed after blogging. I had my thoughts together. I first realized that I had gotten paid, so I paid the bills. After getting ready to go, I went to pay the water bill in person. After that, I went to get the Mazda inspected so I could renew my registration. Unfortunately, the DMV system was down so I could not get my car inspected. Then I went shopping at Walmart. I only intended to buy almond milk and keto bread. I ended up buying Caleb some clothes to wear to his P.E. class and other groceries. On the way home I stopped at Lowe's Foods to buy chicken thighs and chicken drumsticks that were on sale. I saw my friend, Lisa, who works in the meat department. I ended up buying some shrimp as well that were on sale. Before I made it home, I got a call from Caleb's school nurse that he was feeling sick to his stomach. I had to get home to use the bathroom at least, and let Nana know what was happening. I was able to talk to Caleb on the phone while he was in the nurse's office. I asked if he was given the pepto bismol I left at the school for him to take. He was. He was also complaining about back pain from P.E. The nurse told me she gave him ibuprofen that I left at the school for him. It was too soon to give him more pepto bismol, so I decided that I would pick him up. I asked the nurse to just give him some water, and send him back to class, and that I would be there as soon as I could get there. I picked Caleb up before unloading the Mazda of the groceries. It was only maybe 1300 when I left home to pick Caleb up. 

    I picked Caleb up from school early and came right home to get the groceries inside. Caleb brought the groceries inside for me. I made sure he put away the chicken in the fridge, shrimp in the freezer, and almond milk in the fridge. Sounds simple, but it wasn't. Caleb has a hard time following instructions, and he gets angry quickly. 

    We had a package on the porch. Caleb thought was his amazon package, but it was mine. I order my Gatorade Zero packets from amazon because I buy alot at one time. His package came in the mailbox, and he got it later. He was looking for the part of his Xbox that he purchased with the gift card his Grammie sent him for his birthday.

    I barely had the energy to cook dinner, and only cooked half the chicken thighs and half the chicken drumsticks for dinner. I did not cook vegetables like I wanted. I ended up buying alot of vegetables at Walmart. I bought green cabbage, Napa cabbage, celery, kale greens, collard greens, yellow onions, and a Southern blend of greens to try cooking them together. I found seedless lemons and couldn't believe my eyes! It was a nice thought, but I did not want to spend more than I needed to on lemons.

    I got into conversations with 2 different customers in the produce area at Walmart. One older lady asked, "Where is all the food?" looking at the aisle that normally has tomatoes, avocados, and onions. There was nothing there! I told her, "I don't know! Maybe the winter storm blew the trucks off the road and they didn't make it in." 

    The other lady was wearing a poncho that was beautiful. I told her "I like your poncho! I can't stop looking at it!" and she told me, "Thank you, my friend brought it back from Peru for me." Then she said, "My husband wanted it, but I said 'nuh-uh' and it was mine!" LOL

    So it was a very busy morning. I tried to rest when I got home, but I felt badly. I barely got food for dinner cooked. I was supposed to clean the kitchen before cooking dinner, and I didn't make it. When I went to lie down in bed, everything was hurting. I almost took my delta-8 to be able to sleep, but I didn't. I was miserable. I felt like I had a good productive day though!

    Fast forward to Saturday morning, yesterday. I woke up feeling slow, tired, heavy, and in pain. I definitely had a fibromyalgia flare-up Friday and was going through the healing Saturday morning. My body was telling me to go back to bed when I got up to my 0700 alarm to take my medications and supplements. I struggled the whole morning to do much of anything. I did not even get my hair brushed until after 1100. Usually, that is a part of my morning routine that happens in the beginning.

    I did not even start the laundry yesterday, and that is one of the easiest chores I have. Ugh! I decided to order out for the first time in a very long time. We ordered salads and pizzas from Bella Cucina. I went out to pick the order up, but I didn't do much the whole day. I couldn't get myself to work. I couldn't get myself to move even a little. I just wanted to stay in one place, preferably bed, and rest. Eventually, after lunch, I gave up trying. I spent so much energy trying to get moving that I wore myself out. 

    I haven't been taking my kratom daily like I used to. I haven't been using hape' like I used to either. It's been hard to get up at 0530 every morning to wake Caleb up to get ready for school. We go out to the bus stop at 0630. It is still dark and very cold at that time. I don't mind the cold. I simply put on a flannel shirt. Caleb wears his new parka that I bought him! I bought it just so he wouldn't be cold waiting for the bus. It was on sale, and I saw it and had to have it.

    This weekend is a 3 day weekend due to Martin Luther King Jr. Day on Monday. 

    I was hoping to get alot of the house cleaning done, or at least make good progress, over the weekend with Caleb home. I just wasted Saturday. Now it's Sunday. Caleb is sleeping with Bubba in the living room for some reason. He needs to clean his room up. 

    Now today I am feeling better. I would have been better had I slept through the night.

    Christinia is having trouble with my Volvo. She was trying to see if she could fix it. I think she needs to take it to a mechanic because there was nothing wrong with it when I let her drive it. She thinks it might be the fuel pump. I don't have a savings account to fund fixing it. I don't know if she does, but I doubt it. I don't know how to help her. I live far away from her, She lives on the other side of the state. I wonder if her sister did something to the Volvo. She did have a falling out with Christinia and even moved out with alot of the stuff in the apartment. I hope not.

    I'm not able to quit vaping. I'm addicted. I thought I could, but I am clinging to vaping more than ever these days.

    Let's see...

    I can make the most of my day by making small steps toward the bigger picture. I can start the laundry and get Caleb's school clothes washed. Caleb can empty the dishwasher so I can load it. I can hand wash the pots and pans. We can work together to organize and clean the pantry out. I want to steam-clean at least one section of the hallway carpet. I want to vacuum the living room, which means it has to be picked up and organized first. I can spray for bugs in all the clean areas. If Caleb cooperates, we can do this today. He can work on cleaning his room too. Bella and Bubba both need baths as well. 

    Bella missed her vet appointment in December because I was broke. I need to reschedule that appointment for her. It is an annual checkup and heartworm checkup.

    I just did some hape'. It is now 0309. I have been blogging all this time. I'm not tired like I was all day yesterday. I feel better. 

    Caleb's class is going on a field trip on Thursday that he does not want to go to. He has a hard sitting still in the theater, and they are going to a play of "Finding Nemo." He has 2 appointments that afternoon and I need to be able to pick him up early to make it on time, so he could not go anyway. He was happy when I told him about his schedule. 

    I bought some videos to help me learn how to relieve my back pain for good. I just need to watch them now. I hope they work on me like they did on the people in the videos.

    I keep picking up a book to read, and then not reading it. I think I need to find my book light. I don't know where I put it. I haven't used it in so long. I wonder if it is by my bed. I might just need to buy another one. 

    I have plans on making a whole chicken in the crockpot like my mom taught me to do when I was pregnant with Caleb. She said to buy a whole chicken, put it in the crockpot with a can of cream of mushroom soup and a can of water, and cook! Then eat over rice! It's simple and good!

    I got really excited about vegetables for some reason at Walmart. I needed them. All of a sudden I just had to have cabbages and greens, and wanted to mix them together. I think I will like it because I like the greens blended, and I like the cabbages separately. I just want a little bit of everything on one plate. I hope Nana and Caleb like it. It's going to be similar to a stir-fry. It's going to be keto-friendly though. I did buy soy sauce.

    Well, I am sitting here at my computer with nothing better to do than to continue blogging. LOL

    I have alot of classes that I want to take, but can't get started because the house cleaning is taking so much of my time. Once I get things right again, I am totally doing what I want with these books and classes. I just want to lie in bed and read and learn. 

    Now that Caleb is back in school, I am alone for most of the day. The new schedule is taking some get use to. I know that putting him in public school again was the right decision. I don't have the energy required to teach him every second of the day. I couldn't even get a schedule together because we had so many appointments to go to. It was exhausting by the end of the day, and then it was like, what did we learn? Nothing. Another day of absolutely no learning. It's not like that anymore. I am so grateful for this school, this principal, these teachers, this nurse... Eternally grateful.

    I just have too many other things to take care of all of the time. I am not able to stay at home most days. I am always on the go, and I don't even have a job! I fall behind alot in my chores. I try to do my best. "I am only one person," and "I am not a machine" are things I tell myself these days. I feel like I am forced to work beyond my limits and then I have fibromyalgia flare-ups which require that I rest until I have recovered. It's an endless cycle and it hurts, and it's exhausting. I never seem to catch up to where I need to be in all the things I have going on. 

    I am still experimenting with what may help with my pains. I am trying some new supplements. I have noticed a difference in how my days have been flowing on these new supplements. It is going for the better. I need to bring back my hape' use and kratom use. Unfortunately, I can only use kratom once a day. I think once I learn these back stretches, I won't have to rely so much on supplements. I want to be able to walk without pain for a mile a day. I want to do better. I can't walk without pain for a mile yet. I have a hard time grocery shopping some days. I can't walk around the stores without pain. So baby steps are what I need to get better. 

    I am still using Virta for my keto diet to reverse my diabetes. I have lost more than 30lbs so far! My glucose is looking good overall. If I can stick to the diet, I will be able to reduce my medications soon. I go to take my A1c lab soon. I have to look at my calendar and check when I can make it to Wilmington early in the morning after Caleb gets on the bus.

    I am still waiting to hear some good news from the child support agency. Nothing yet. I have been waiting so long. I really have needed child support for the entire length of Caleb's life! Like, where is the justice?

    JD was looking to hire a front desk girl at Inklanation. I was interested but was unsure if I could do it. I'm sure he works late, passed dark. I can't drive in the dark. I worry that all the lights flashing by will lead to me having another seizure. I could use the extra money though.

    Nana is awake. I heard her make her way to the bathroom. Oh! She just text me! LOL

    I guess it's time for me to do something else. I don't know what though. Caleb is sleeping in the living room with Bubba. I can't turn the light on yet. I might have to. I am looking for something I bought from Walmart for Nana. Here we go! Bring on the drama from Caleb!

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

Collecting My Thoughts

     It is now 0654. Caleb is riding the bus to school. It's pretty cold outside. I even put the heat on in the house to bring the temperature up to 65 degrees. I even have a flannel shirt on, and those who know me, know that I don't normally get cold.

    I don't know what today brings. It's Friday. It's been a busy week. I have been trying to get the hallway carpet steam cleaned by sections. I have been trying to keep the kitchen clean and spray for bugs. My house is disorderly right now. We went grocery shopping yesterday after Caleb came home and the groceries are still in bags on the floor. 

    I am working on my VA Supplemental Calim. I have a personal statement that I am trying to work on. I want to be as complete and descriptive as possible.

    I am working on getting my Reiki business going. I need at least 2 more reviews from paying customers to get my profile completed on heal.me. I think that is what is holding me up as far as getting seen by prospective customers. My business profile won't show up in the search on heal.me without my profile being complete with 3 reviews.

    Yesterday I spent the morning listening to Christinia. I then took a shower and relaxed for a little while.I really did not get anything done other than taking my shower. That's just how it is for me though. I get tired after showering and need a nap.

    Now that Caleb is back in public school, I am on call. I have had to pick him up from school due to stomach issues already. I brought the school nurse a bottle of pepto bismol and ibuprofen for future use at school.

    I have missed my dad more now that I spend most of the day alone. Nana doesn't sleep at night so she sleeps during the day.

    Caleb showed me one of his school assignments that he got a good grade on! I'm super happy about it.

    I have so much work to do, but I have done alot too. Jonathan came and picked up the bagged waste we had in the front yard for us. That's one less thing for the neighbors to complain about. I have pet vac'd the hallway and steam cleaned a section of it so far repeatedly. Bella has been having accidents in front of Nana's doorway. I got rid of alot of waste from the laundry room, and am almost caught up on cleaning the laundry! I cleared off the countertop and cleaned it in the kitchen. I caught up on cleaning the dishes. I still have dishes to wash now because I did not wash dishes yesterday. I have to remove everything from the pantry and spray for bugs. I have to throw away any open food, and organize the rest of the stuff that we are keeping. I have to clean it out before I spray it and replace the food. I have to remove the dishes from the cabinets, clean out the cabinets, and spray. I probably should wash everything all over again before putting back what we are keeping. I should probably donate the excess that keeps falling out of the kitchen island.

    I am looking for a Pulsetto device that I received awhile back. I want to use it. I think I bought one for Nana too. It is a device that stimulates the Vagus nerve. I know it will prove to be helpful in the long run for our pains.

    I blocked somebody on Facebook who was using me. It wasn't worth what I was going through. I feel better now.

    I bought a new series of DVDs that are going to help me get rid of my back pain. I can't wait to try them out!

    My Fitbit broke, and now I am using the Wolfnotch SugaPro diabetes watch. I only usually use it to tell me the time, but it says it has the ability to bring my glucose levels down. I have tried it, but I need to try it by testing my glucose before and after using the SugaPro.

    I was trying to figure out if I can get rid of some of the clutter around my workspace. It's not easy for me to do. I collect stuff by my chair because it makes it easier on me to be able to reach the stuff I use frequently.

    Caleb cried in Math class yesterday and was told by his teacher "that is unacceptable." I don't know why Caleb wasn't sent to the guidance counsellor. I have a feeling I need to have a talk with her. Kids are being mean to Caleb in P.E. because he can't do crunches. I told him we all have our starting places and we only get better from there. I told him to ignore the people who make him feel badly, and focus on the people who make him laugh and smile.

    We went to Amsterdam Life yesterday so I could get more e-juice. I know. I'm supposed to be quitting, but I'm just not ready yet. We saw Zach and DJ and it was a good visit. Caleb likes talking to them both.

    So, pretty much, right now I am just trying to get my house in order so I can focus on my business and my VA claim. It's alot of work for me to do alone. It would be alot easier if I had Caleb at home to help me. 

    This weekend we will be working on the house together. Monday is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and the kids will be off from school. 

    Tuesday I go to renew my driver's license. Thursday I go to pick Caleb up at school to take him to his mental health appointments, and then to see the social worker afterwards.

    I have to take labs at some point at the VA.

    I had my call with my pharmD yesterday. She was not upset about my holiday numbers, so that was good. I am doing ok now. I am back in ketosis, and want to stay in ketosis for as long as possible.

    I just realized that I got paid so I was paying my bills. I always pay my bills as soon as I get paid. I have to go get the Mazda inspected before I can renew my registration. I have to go pay the water bill too when the Town opens. I guess I will make a trip to Walmart since I am headed out that way. I need my keto bread and almond milk. Going to try to keep the shopping to what we need this time. I always seem to leave with enormous amounts of groceries when I shop at Walmart. I have to learn to cut back. I can't pay all my bills as it is. I am behind on my credit card payments. Ever since I was scammed out of $500, I've been in the hole. Now my minimum payments are so high that I can't even pay them anymore. 

    I'm trying to do so much all at once. I can't wait to be able to just work on HealiNergy LLC. Looks like it's going to be a day of running around. I'm going to be tired by the time Caleb gets home. I still have to figure out what I'm making for dinner. I likely will stop at Lowe's Foods for their chicken thighs and drumsticks on sale. 

    I have been giving myself Reiki before I fall asleep at night. It works wonders as far as getting me to fall asleep without pain and staying asleep through the night. I want to teach Nana how to give herself Reiki treatments, so she can do it as needed. That is the reason I trained in Reiki. I did not want to pay someone else and be on a calendar with an appointment, when I need Reiki throughout my day, like all the time. 

    I was thinking about holding a class online. I have to be able to commit to the length of the class. It's hard to do right now because I have many responsibilities. I really need to get this house cleaned up to where we only need to maintain it. I can't wait for that time to come.

    I hear Nana in the background. I need to see if she needs anything before I go out into the world. I want to be as efficient as possible. 

    It's been a long time since I've been able to sit at my computer to blog. 

    I guess I should get started. The sun is out, and I am grateful.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

The whole story

     So the day before yesterday was an emotional one. I broke up with Mike. After spending countless days with him on the phone messaging back and forth all day, he "forgot his phone" at home, and caused me major havoc inside. All of a sudden there were no responses. For about 9 hours I got no messages. Naturally with his blood glucose over 400, I was worried out of my mind that something traumatic happened. I was fearful until I got angry. I was texting all day and tried to call and video call, no one answered. It wasn't until almost 7pm when I got an angry message back. Just to be short. I am so done and over this situation. I left Mike, and I don't regret it. 

    I posted screenshots of our communication together after what happened. I just wanted to vent it out. I got some trolls on Facebook inciting the rage in me. I talked to Nana about it and she let my anger out with no problems.

    I am feeling better now. Just can't believe I dealt with all this bullshit in one day. It really triggered me. I have not felt this angry in a long time. Perhaps I needed to feel this angry because it has worked to my good. I now have blocked the troll. I have left Mike. My life is better because I did both.

    Now, yesterday was a good cleaning day. I got a load washed and in the dryer, and another in the wsher. I loaded the dishwasher and ran it. I hand washed some dishes. Dinner was cooked the night before. I made a picnic bone in pork butt in the crockpot. I made green beans for all of us, and made a sweet potato for Nana for her cramps. I was able to clean off the kitchen island to some degree. I was able to clean out the pantry to some degree. I was able to clean my room to some degree. I am going to donate stuff that is just sitting around not being used. 

    Today is going to be another cleaning day. I have more laundry to do. I have more dishes to wash.I have to get the floors shampooed. It might take some prep before I do the living room, hallway, and Caleb's room. I can't wait to have a clean house again! I'm happy about making progress.

    Mallory, the social worker is coming Tuesday so I want it to be super clean by then. I am a natural cleaning freak on my good days. 

    I began typing the above journal entry on December 30, 2023.

    Today is January 4, 2024. Alot has happened since then. Yesterday Caleb handed me the World Translation Bible that I have not read in ages. I flipped to Psalm 119, verse 113 and began reading the page. I liked it, so I began reading Psalm 119 from the beginning all the way to the end. I could almost hear the song in my head. I felt better after reading it. 

    Yesterday was a long day. Mallory, the social worker called on Tuesday and we rescheduled for her to be on Wednesday at 12:15pm. Yesterday was Wednesday. I spent all morning washing dishes that had piled up. I cleaned the stove top and stove front too. I worked on the bills for a little while. I bought Caleb a new coat from American Eagle so when he stands outside waiting for the bus, he won't freeze. I got it on a huge sale because it's the end of the winter season as far as clothes sales go. It's going to be awesome. He is always cold.

    Mallory came over and we had a long discussion where I was doing most of the talking. I cried. I'm glad she witnessed my tears. She heard what I had to say, where I feel Stephanie never really did. It ended well. Mallory saw the mess we have outside from cleaning off the porch. I told her I have a friend coming over to remove the cardboard boxes from the yard today, Thursday. She was amazed how much better it looked on the porch. I was proud of our hard work.

    After Mallory left, Caleb and I went to Walmart to get beginning school supplies. I also stocked up on Nana's and my drinks. Caleb got new shoes that fit him better. I then went to Lowe's Foods because I had to use the bathroom badly. Caleb went over to Great Clips to get his hair cut. I met him there afterward. Then we went to Publix to see if they had a German chocolate cake. It had to be ordered with 24 hours notice, so we ordered one.

    I came home and rested, then made fresh green beans to go with the leftover pork we had. Turned out good. 

    The day before yesterday was Monday, New Year's Day. Caleb and I did not do much. We stayed around the house with the exception of going to Amsterdam Life for an e-juice refill and Food Lion for Nana's egg English muffin from the freezer section. I got it for free! The day before I was there and spent alot of money on fresh produce and earned cashback! I was so happy!

    Sunday I went to Food Lion and bought alot of produce to make my homemade spaghetti sauce to have "all you eat" pasta night with Nana. I make my sauce with zucchini, yellow squash, portabella mushrooms, baby bella mushrooms, sweet onions, minced garlic, fresh basil, fire roasted tomatoes, and a big jar of Ragu with alot of beef added. We ate as much as we wanted, and froze the rest of the sauce. I made enough sauce for 4 dinners!

    New Year's Eve was Caleb's 15th birthday!

    Somewhere along the way, Caleb and I talked about God for the first time in a long time. I told him, when he told me he did not believe in God, that the only reason he was born was because God wanted it. I was 7 months pregnant before I found out I was pregnant. I was working as a non-pregnant soldier does with hazardous materials alot. He could have been born with huge problems like lack of extremities. He could have died before being born, but he was born with a bit of jaundice. They put him under the lamp, and he was a healthy big baby boy. I told this to him in his response that the only reason he was born was because his father raped me. 

    This came up because Caleb wanted to talk over me, and I said "One of the first things God commands it to 'honor your father and your mother'." He said he didn't believe in God at that point. 

    When we were speaking about Jesus, he told me he doesn't like thinking about Jesus because of how he died. I then told him that Jesus was born with a purpose. His whole life and death was pre-planned out. He came to Earth to be the ultimate sacrifice for human kind. He came to give himself up as a sacrifice to God for the cost of our sins. Through faith in Jesus we are forgiven. 

    I then had a conversation with Caleb in front of Nana. I told him how Mother Mary came to me when I was pregnant with him. I also told him he could ask Nana for information if he has questions about God or Jesus.

    It was a breakthrough kind of day. I have had several conversations with Nana about what I am going through and what I have been through. I told her that I special requested Mother Mary's presence when I was pregnant because despite who Jesus is, I did not want to be around a man's presence after I found out I was pregnant. I was scared. I did not know how I became pregnant and as I found out more information, I could not identify the father of my child. It was scary. 

    We talked about how I need to complete my VA Aid &Attendance process by completing my disability supplemental claim. I am still in the process of writing my personal statement. I have been busy trying to get this house cleaned up the way I want it. I have so much stuff I need to throw away, donate, or put away, it's overwhelming. 

    Bella is having accidents in the house now. She did not use to before. She is getting older and may need to wear diapers. We can't keep up. 

    Today is Thursday and Caleb goes back to school this morning. I have to drive him to school and he will ride the bus back home in the afternoon. We found the backpack I bought him. It is a tactical backpack that is very cool. We also found the clothes I bought him! I totally forgot I bought those! I bought him a jacket and 4 shirts. So he has new clothes for school now! I am so happy!

    Carla is coming by today to study. Jonathan is coming by today to pick up trash. I have a cake to pick up this afternoon. I don't know what I will be doing all day today. It is only 0137 now. I had to get up to use the bathroom, and decided to stay up for a little while. Wakeup is at 0530 so I better get some sleep. I have to take a shower at some point before leaving to bring Caleb to school. 

    I pray that Jehovah lights my path, and that Yeshua holds my hand as I walk the path.

    Being a single parent is harder than it looks. Being a disabled veteran on top of that does not help me at all. Having a son with disabilities makes it even harder to teach him how to behave. I pray that light is shining on us from Jehovah. Let these breakthroughs help us grow and heal from our past.

    It's getting late, and I have to get some sleep.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

Family Gathering

     It is now 2040. I am awake because my pain is too much to be in bed. I had to get up and come to my chair to sit down and try to wait for the pain to fade. It was a busy day today. I woke up around 0630 and started my day. I took my medications and supplements like normal. I woke Caleb up to get my gallon of water from the Mazda for me. I use it to make a gallon of Gatorade Zero which helps me take my medications and supplements without tasting them. 

    Caleb had his breakfast and took his medications. Then we started to prepare for my stepbrother, Brian, and his family to arrive. The house is nowhere near clean enough to be having guests over. I was worried. Caleb and I were cleaning this morning, but didn't get much done. I wanted to have the carpets cleaned before they arrived, but never got around to it. I was happy to see Brian, Sarah, and Amber! 

    Brian had a heart attack earlier this year. I was worried about him. He showed up smiling and we had a good time. I'm so happy they came over. Nana planned lunch in advance for me to pick up an order from Lowe's Foods, so I didn't have to cook! Lunch was delicious.

    I felt badly because I had to excuse myself before Brian and his family left. My back hurt so badly, I was tired and Diet Mountain Dew wasn't enough to keep me awake, and my nervous system was overstimulated. I crashed in bed after excusing myself, and just zonked out with Bella next to me. 

    Now my pelvis is hurting. I'm hoping that sitting here and writing this blog will be enough to put me back to sleep.

    Tomorrow Mike is coming to visit me. We are planning on going to the beach together. It's not far from my house. I just want to lay on the beach and listen to waves with him. 

    I think I am ready for bed. Christmas is near. It is Monday and tomorrow is Saturday. 

    I'm ready to lie down. My bed is calling me. I'm exhausted. Nuerodivergence definitely applies to me. It was too much for one day. I went off my diet today again. I had a cheat day yesterday and today. I wanted to eat what everybody was having for lunch. Nana ordered rotisserie chickens, chicken salad, red skin potato salad, pita chips, pimento cheese dip, a fruit bowl, and cheesecake. I cut up some broccoli and cauliflower I bought earlier and served it with my artichoke jalepeno dip. It was all delicious!

    I spoke to Amber about her plans for school. She is in homeschool right now, and is a senior. I told her to start applying for scholarships now, and mentioned the FAFSA. Amber went with me to pick up the food for lunch, and I couldn't stop talking to her. She was quiet. 

    It was just good to feel like I am a part of a bigger family. It's been so long since I've seen any of my family. I feel so alone alot. I'm glad Nana is here with me, so I feel alone less frequently.

    I'm ready to go to bed.

    Goodnight!

Doing better

     Yesterday was a productive day. I was able to get my Christmas cards mailed out. Then Caleb and I went to Walmart to buy Nana a new heater. We came home after filling the cart. Lol whoops! I was hungry and made myself a sandwich. I was struggling to stay awake, but I had a Reiki appointment to prepare for. I was on the Reiki Zoom call when I got the text message that the plumber was on the way over. I had to reschedule the Reiki appointment so I wouldn't be interrupted during the session. I did not know when he would arrive, but I knew when he arrived that I would have to stop what I was doing and guide him to the bathroom and tell him about the problems we were having. After rescheduling the appointment and handling the plumber visit, I went to rest. When I got up, I did not have the spoons to make dinner. Meaning I had no energy, and I was in pain all over. I had hot dogs for dinner. 

    Earlier in the day, I spoke with the Social Worker from the Wilmington VA primary care office. She helped me find out what help is available through VA. I will be getting a package to create my advance directive and living will. She will be sending me a list of local food banks that I can use if I need to. She is sending my primary care a request for the HISA grant for home modification so that I can get a walk-in tub. She is sending my file to the Fayetteville VA  for approval for home health aid services. 

    The day before yesterday was Tuesday. I was able to take a shower in the morning before our appointment with the middle school principal. We made it to our appointment early. The appointment went well! I felt seen and heard regarding my concerns for Caleb's attendance. I feel like we work together well. Caleb's application for enrollment was approved later that day. He will be attending 8th grade for the rest of the year, and attending high school next year! We will create a new IEP for him. I am excited for Caleb!

    On the way home, we stopped at Walmart and bought some groceries. We came home and had lunch. I think I took a rest. I got up and cleaned in the kitchen to get some dishes pre-washed for the dishwasher, and other dishes handwashed. I made burgers for dinner. They turned out good!

    Monday I got paid and paid some of the bills. I made sure to pay the water bill in person, and while I was there, I stopped at the police department. I got a copy of the report cover from when I reported the rape in order to submit it to the VA for my aid & attendance file. I went to Amsterdam Life and bought another bottle of ejuice, and I went to Food Lion for a few things. 

    A few days ago I chatted with a woman named Jenna, and we have been partnering to help build eachother's businesses. 

    Today is Thursday and the social worker from CPS is coming to introduce me to the new social worker from in-home services that is taking over. We haven't gotten the carpet cleaned yet, but we had to buy the shampoo yesterday, so... I needed the shampoo but didn't have the money to buy it until yesterday.

    Brian, my step-brother is expected to arrive tomorrow for a visit with his mother, Nana. I would like to have things in order and cleaned before he arrives. It's still a bit of work to be done. 

    The other day, I messaged Mike when I saw that he was online. He has moved back to where he was. He is going to come visit me on Saturday. We are going to sit on the beach and listen to the waves for awhile in the sun. 

    I was able to purchase Caleb's IXL subscription to help him catch up to where he is supposed to be. I am thankful for that! I was also able to buy the dog food I needed to buy for my beloved fur babies. I am grateful for that too!

    Thank God for $0.25/lbs turkey or we wouldn't have dinner! I'm so thankful!

    I have a few more days before I have a conversation with Larisa Gosla about certification in Vocal Resonance Method. I have to watch the rest of the videos over again and take notes. 

    I have to watch the Revelation Breathwork videos again and take notes from them too.

    Right now, I am more focused on keeping food in the house for us to eat, and getting the house cleaned up.

    If you are reading this, keep us in your prayers!

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

Recovering

     Yesterday I focused on getting some things done. I worked on Nana's laundry and also my VA Aid & Attendance application. I spent a few hours trying to get things right to submit my application, but I am not done yet. I still have more evidence to upload. Nana's clothes are all dry now. I folded the clothes when they came out. I am waiting for Caleb to empty the dryer of her second load of laundry so I can fold them too. I washed dishes, loaded the dishwasher, and cooked dinner yesterday. The night before I was too tired to cook. I was too ... something.... to eat a meal. I only ate a slice of keto bread to take my night medications with. I ate ham and cheese later in the night. Yesterday I made the ham with collard greens, kale greens, sweet onions, and red bell peppers. The ham was pre-glazed, so I did not add seasoning to the mix. It turned out tasty though. I am looking forward to eating leftovers tonight. 

    This morning it is raining and dark outside. I went back to lay down with Bella for awhile this morning after I took all my medications, supplements, Kratomade for my pain, and Hape' to feel better. I just feel like staying in bed today. I don't have to cook anything for dinner tonight. I only used about half the ham I bought for last night's dinner. The other half will be heated in the oven with cloves over it. It's nice to have more than one meal type of meal with the meat I buy. 

    I still have a young turkey thawing out in the fridge that will be ready to cook soon. I am so blessed that I was able to buy food discounted. I would not have been able to afford it otherwise. I am so grateful to be able to feed my family good food.

    I am running a special for 50% off my one-on-one Reiki sessions that I do via Zoom call currently. I am hoping I will make some sales. I know times are tough for everyone right now. They are tough for us too. We are just trying to make it. 

    I made it through yesterday without taking a nap in the hopes that I would sleep through the night because I would be so tired. I woke up once I think, to use the bathroom, and went back to sleep. 

    I am using Reiki to help me get through some hard times. I am dealing with trying to prove who Caleb's father is. He has refused to take a paternity test in the past. I believe he is trying to do the same thing now. I don't want it to be the only thing I am thinking about, so I use Reiki to try to heal myself from the trauma he caused that I live with on a daily basis.

    I find myself tired all day long. I am drinking diet Mountain Dew to try to stay awake during the day. Winter has been hard for me for as long as I can remember. There is so much darkness, and the days of daylight are so short. It really has an effect on me. 

    I am trying to put my energy into celebrating the holiday season. I like to have holiday foods. I was blessed with being chosen by 2 veteran groups to support my son for Christmas. I can't afford to buy him anything as far as gifts. I can't even buy food right now. I am really struggling financially. Those 2 veteran assistance groups are going to buy gifts for Caleb so he has something to open on Christmas morning. I am so blessed by these groups this year! I could not provide for Caleb's gifts at all this year.

    I have been trying to run my business, but I am not getting customers. I don't really know why not. I have advertised and boosted sales posts. I have purchased help to bring web traffic to my website. I don't know what I am doing wrong, but I might be out of business soon. I am going to keep trying until I reach the point where I have to renew my LLC with the state. If I can't afford to do that because I am not bringing business in, then what am I supposed to do about it? If I can't , I can't. It breaks my heart. It is the only thing I can afford to do that allows me to work from home, on my schedule, part-time, and with all the accommodations I need to be able to work. I'm very disabled. I can't work otherwise. 

    I have someone wanting me to give her a class, but I don't have it set it up yet. I haven't gotten that far. I need to review the material so I can teach it fully. I need to find out how much to charge and how much each lesson takes. It's a blessing! I just need to work it out so I can offer the classes. I began working on an app so I could provide training to people on their schedule. I have to create the videos before I launch the app. I haven't been able to get that far yet. I have to have a good day where I am able to create the videos first. Then I need to edit the videos as necessary. I have never done that before. It might be worth it to have someone help me with it. I am not in the habit of creating videos, but I need to be. I am slowly moving towards making more videos so people can see me and hear me and sense my energy.

    I am still taking classes that I have started, but not finished. I completed the Reiki Master training last year, but there are other things I want to offer too. I completed the Revelation Breathwork training last year too, but I want to refresh my memory because it has been a long time since I have practiced it. I am completing the Vocal Resonance Method now. I will be done certified soon to teach and facilitate. I am grooming myself to help people in a multiple of ways. I want to help others. First I am seeking for things that work for me. I am healing myself first, then mastering the methods to help others. I am taking classes so I learn how to do it myself, and train others. It is going to awesome! I still having classes that I have not really started yet like Yoga Therapy.

    I was asked if it was ok for my step-brother to visit on the 22nd. I said yes, but I don't have a guest room for him to stay. I want to have the carpets cleaned before he comes to my house. I got the carpet shampooer put together by Tyrone when he was here last week. I have to learn how to use it properly. I need to find the manual. 

    I will be working on laundry again today. I am far behind because Caleb collected his dirty clothes on his floor for forever, and now his whole wardrobe needs to be cleaned! I am thinking about what I will do when the laundry is going. I might spend time trying to wrap up the Vocal Resonance Method training. I only have until the end of the month before I have the test phone call with Larisa Gosla to show her that I embody what I learned and get my certificate.

    I have an appointment with Cheryl Hanson this afternoon about the AO scan app. She is going to teach me how to use it from home, and has offered me a free 3-day pass to learn everything and use it as much as I want! It's going to help me so much right now. I really need help. I have been praying alot.

    I thank God for the people who care enough to read my blogs. For so long, I had no one to read. I was completely isolated in my own little world. Just dealing with stuff completely on my own. 

    Thank you for reading. Keep us in your prayers. Take advantage of the 50% Reiki session sale. Have a blessed day!

    

Newsflash

     Yesterday I received an email from my child support case worker to confirm that a photo that was attached to the email is Jamie McCurry, the suspected rapist who impregnated me while I was serving in Korea in the United States Army. I confirmed it was him. He looks alot different now than he did back then. It has been 16 years since I was impregnated unknowingly. I found out I was pregnant when I was already 7 months pregnant. It took a lot of work to get this far. I did not know who the father was. I was, at the time I was asked by a nurse if I knew I was pregnant, separated from my now ex-husband, and dating Jonathan Rivera. Naturally, I thought Jonathan Rivera was the father because we did have sex one time. 

    Years later, I found out that Rivera was not the father through a paternity test that he paid for. Caleb looks nothing like him. I did not know who Caleb looked like. A white man. I tried to research my notes after Caleb was born. I assumed by his size that it had been a full-term pregnancy. I worked out that 9 months prior to his birth was February 2008. I could not recall any times having sex. How did I get pregnant? Who is Caleb's biological father?

    I found my pocket calendar that I kept notes in. It showed that in February I was at Camp Casey, Korea for PBUSE training. I know that I met someone while I was there. I could not remember more than having a drink or two. Did I give consent to have sex? Was I drunk? What happened? I did not even remember the name of the soldier who was stationed there that I met. He was in the Army. He was with 2ID. I could not recall anything about him. I never saw him again. I never spoke to him again. When I figured out it was likely his baby, I tried to figure out how to contact him. I had no way to search for him because I could not recall his name or identify any features. I could not report it as rape. It did not occur to me that I had been raped. I was so confused.

    I gave birth with the help of my battle buddy, Christinia. She held my hand while I pushed Caleb out. Rivera arrived the next day thinking he was going to see his first child. 

    I felt like I could not tell anyone that I did not know who the father was. I felt so guilty. I knew I would be called a whore. 

    Thank God for my First Sergeant at the time. She helped me find housing off post. 

    I have been through so much with Caleb as a single mom with no child support. Should I press charges? You might be asking how I figured out it was Jamie McCurry who impregnated me without my consent. It was because when Caleb was a toddler I bought an AncestryDNA kit for him, along with other brands of DNA testing. I have been waiting for a close family member to match his DNA all this time. Some years ago Billy Honey, Caleb's second cousin reached out to me. Together we found that his cousin was stationed at Camp Casey during the time I was impregnated.

    I reached out to Jamie McCurry. He denied knowing me, even with photos provided that were of me back then. DNA doesn't lie though. I asked him to take a paternity test and refused. 

    Here we are now, probably more than a year of waiting for child support services to locate Jamie McCurry and have him take a paternity test. Caleb turns 15 years old in a couple of weeks. All this time I have been parenting alone, with no child support, and only with my disability payments to make it through. The time has come to set things straight. I am ready. 

    I can't begin to explain all the energy I felt yesterday when I got that email. I don't know where in the process the state of Arkansas is. I know that their interstate child support services handed the file over to the legal department. I don't know any more details than that. If Jamie McCurry is not the father, he should be more than interested in proving it. It's not like it costs him anything. 

    I'm so over waiting. I want this to end. I need child support. I can't buy enough groceries to feed us. I'm trying to expand my business by learning new services I can provide from home. It's taking longer than expected to get things set in place. I am doing everything alone and by myself.

    I pray. Please God help us. It has been 16 years since I was pregnant with a man's baby that I do not even know. Let us find justice somehow.

    I've been through so much that I need to heal from. So has Caleb. 

    If you are reading this, I ask that you keep us in your prayers. We need all the help we can get.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day.