5 Year Journal Day 310

      Today's prompt is "What is your biggest expense right now?" The mortgage payment.

     Today is Halloween. It is Sunday and 10:03 am here. On Monday, my dad went to the hospital because he was having trouble breathing. It turns out he had fluid in his lungs which was caused by too much salt in his diet. He had emergency heart surgery on Tuesday. The doctors checked his heart to be sure there were no blockages. My dad was in the hospital for several days after that. I went to Lumberton to pick him up from the hospital on Thursday. I came back home after breakfast on Friday. I was planning on taking the kids out to the Town festivities at the park. They were having a Halloween egg hunt for the younger children. Harlee would have liked it, but I was so exhausted, I could not take her. It would have only lasted for 15 minutes, and she would have been so upset to have to come back home, that it really wasn't worth the trouble. 

     Yesterday I woke up around 8 am and began to work on paying the bills. I was originally scheduled to have an appointment with the USAA Life Insurance nurse, but she cancelled at the last minute. I was up, and felt like I was a day late, as I got paid on Friday. I spent several hours paying the bills and updating my files on the computer. The morning was productive. I did not eat breakfast because I was not hungry. I took my medications though. I woke Christinia up around 11:30 am. I checked my sugar shortly after and it was 89. I had some ham and melted pepper jack cheese for lunch, and was tired, so I went to lay down for a short while. Caleb kept interrupting my attempts to take a nap because he wanted me to give him screen time on his phone. I was in bed nearly 4 hours and when I finally got up, I was more tired than I was before I laid down. My whole body was hurting. My mind was running the whole time I was trying to rest. 

     Thoughts of suicide crept in my mind. I just hurt so much and was struggling to recover from the week before. I opened up to Christinia about it. I don't feel the need to act on those thoughts. I wanted relief from the pain I was suffering. I wanted rest and peace of mind. Sometimes the thought of being dead looks appealing because I can't escape the pain I suffer. Physical pain. everywhere. I feel like I am expected to behave like nothing is wrong me, but clearly there are all kinds of things wrong with me all the time. I get tired of trying to be work like a normal person. I get tired of not living up to my own expectations. 

     Today I woke up at 7:30 am. I am feeling better with little pain. 

     I called my dad yesterday evening. I normally call him multiple times throughout the day, but I did not do that yesterday. Apparently he was having what I called a "shitty" day too. He does not understand that I do not choose to be depressed when I get depressed. He does not understand that I do not choose to be in pain because my body cannot handle stress. It's frustrating. He was talking to me about his childhood... the traumas he endured, and how I should be grateful those things did not happen to me. Depression does not work like that. At least mine doesn't . 

     He does not seem to realize that him almost dying again has impacted me negatively all week and I need to recover. Then on top of the obvious, we are talking about why Dona Sharon cannot bring him clean clothes to the hospital, which I found out was less than a mile away. My dad had a toilet accident, and was needing clean clothes. He sat there in a hospital gown the whole time after that. 

     Christinia and I talked about how we might be able to take care of him, and get him out of that motel. She was angrier than I was that Dona Sharon did not bring him clean clothes AND I had to drive an hour and a half to the motel to pick up his clean clothes so he could have clothes to come home in. I drove to the motel and then to the hospital to pick my dad up. We went back to the motel to pick up Dona Sharon and go out to eat at Golden Corral. Afterwards, we went to Walmart to try to fill dad's prescription that he needed to prevent another heart attack. The cost of one prescription was $436 and some change.

     Deep breath.

     Harry Potter The Chamber of Secrets is on the tv. I am listening to it. Caleb is out at the Veterans' Park. 

     Tonight I am supposed to meet some other homeschool families to go trick-or-treating with. I am taking it slow today, although I do want to take a shower and clean my room of the clean clothes that need to be put away. 

     I reached out to Nichole to let her know that my dad was in the hospital. She replied that she told Mathew. I guess it didn't matter to him because he did not contact me. 

     Caleb has a task to clean out the Mazda. He had a bad attitude when I originally asked him to clear out the trash and junk that has been collecting in there since we went to Southern Pines, so I took away his XBox. He has to complete the whole cleaning of the Mazda now before he will get his XBox back. 

     It made him cry more than once because my dad gave him money to spend, and he just spent it on XBox Live money, and he wants to use it right away. 

     I missed being home, even though I was only gone for one night. The beds at that motel are awful! Every pressure point in my backside was triggered in pain when I laid down. I hardly slept. I woke up at 7 am and so did Caleb. It's one thing when I am taking a trip for a joyful reason, but when it not joyful... well, it's not a good feeling. The drive seems longer than it actually is because the roads are lined with nothing but trees. It hardly feels like the car is going anywhere when I am driving. 

     I was so happy to be back home. We did not bring Bella with us, because Christinia and Harlee were staying home. Harlee cried when we left, and asked about us when we were gone.  

     I just wanted to go to my own bed. I totally crashed for a few hours after I got home and caught up with Christinia, Harlee, and Bella. 

     I don't really know what's going on this week yet. I have to update my planner with all the appointments I have in my phone. 

5 Year Journal Day 309

      Today's prompt is "What was something you couldn't do today?"  I wanted to work on cleaning out the porch today, but never got around to it. I ended up going to Food Lion and doing some grocery shopping , driving by the local mechanic shop for information for my dad, and going to CVS to pick up meds for Caleb. When I came home, I was tired. I was ready for a nap. I went and took a long nap because my whole body was in pain. I did not wake up until Caleb woke me up to take my night time medications. 

     Actually, I did wake up earlier than that. I was hungry and woke up and had some pepperoni and cheese as a snack. I went back to bed after that though. When I got up, I got up to a surprise. Nigel Johnson, my ex-husband, tried to call me on facebook messenger. 

     I wrote a message to Nigel in August when I was filing for child support services to give him a heads up, once they told me that Nigel would have to be ruled out as Caleb's father. I sent him another message in September. He finally responded last night! I tried to call him back, but because we were not friends on facebook, I could not get through. He called me back and it got through. 

     He was sounding happy when I spoke to him, and for that, I am thankful. I assured him that the paternity test was a mere formality. He wants to catch up sometime and gave me his phone number. I text him right away so he could save my number. You never know when we might need to talk to eachother again. 

     Of course I had to tell my dad. That got him talking about how my mom lied about her earnings to the court to avoid paying more in child support. Apparently she only paid something like $125 a month per child for the entire duration of having to pay. 

     Talking to Nigel brought back a lot of memories. Some were good, some not so good. He put me through a lot while I was away in Army training. He accused me of cheating on him while I was in basic training. Anyone who has been in Army basic training can tell you that you can barely go to the latrine without a drill Sergeant standing by. 

     It is now 1:02 am here. I woke up around quarter to midnight. Caleb is still awake. He has nasal congestion and is having trouble breathing to get comfortable to sleep. I gave him a nasal decongestant. 

     I wonder if my dad is awake. I don't want to be loud though. 

     So, Nigel said he is scheduled to take a DNA test in Greensboro at Labcorps on November 9th.

     The court date I have to go to is scheduled for December 8th.

     Tomorrow is another day. I hope to get the front porch cleared off completely tomorrow. I am tired, but I have too much stuff going through my mind to be able to fall asleep. 

     I need to go to the Flu Shot Clinic at the VA next week, as well as to the lab. I don't have to take my blood pressure everyday now, but only every other day. I weighed in at 301.3 lbs today! Woop! Woop!

     I am trying to figure out what else needs to be done next week so I can have advance notice. I forgot to give Bella her Bravecto on the 20th. I will do that tomorrow too. I wanted to get Christinia's VA claims submitted by Sunday, but I don't know if I will have the energy if we are working on the porch tomorrow.

     I am tired now. I wonder if I can fall asleep. 

     

5 Year Journal Day 308

      Today's prompt is "Halloween plans? What's your costume?" I plan on taking Caleb trick-or-treating. I am not going to dress up in a costume. I am just going to wear some spooky looking clothes I bought from Zulily online.

     It is now 5:02 am here. I have been awake since about 2:00. I have been working on the bills this far. I figured I would try to catch up with my blog. Yesterday was a pretty good day. I was able to catch up on all the dishes, by both loading the dishwasher that is now fixed, and hand washing dishes until the strainer was full 3 different times. Once I was finished with the dishes, I took a break, and then gathered the troops to begin work on the front porch. We did alot of work before I needed a break because my back was hurting, and I was sweating up a storm. I thought it would be a 15 minute break, but when I sat down with Christinia and Caleb, I soon realized that I should probably check my sugar. Then, I decided I should probably have lunch. We collectively decided to finish the porch the following day so I could catch up with my stuff, and we could all take a much needed rest. 

     I took a nap, and the others took quiet time to themselves. I woke up hungry, and snacked on pepperoni. I was not hungry for a big meal, so I decided to skip dinner. I took my meds, and headed to take a shower. I washed up in soapy goodness and felt the hot water make the pains disappear from my body. I always finish my showers with cold water because 1) 10 seconds of cold shower is good for us and 2) I need to cool off after showering in the hottest water I can get, and bring my blood pressure down too. 

     After cooling off and drying in front of my fan, I got dressed and went to say goodnight to Christinia and Harlee. I always get a goodnight hug  from Harlee before I lay down for the night. I tell her that her hugs are "magical Harlee hugs."

     The day before yesterday, I could not get motivated to do much of anything. I was able to put some things in my room, that were by the table, but then new boxes came in the mail and took their spots. I have about 3 baskets of clean laundry in my room, waiting for me to sort through and put away. Most of them are the clothes that are being donated because Caleb outgrew them. I am trying to stay on top of the things I have to do, but it gets hard when my body does not want to cooperate. Sometimes, I just need to stay in bed for the day, but I just can't seem to let myself do that. So it can be torture being up and not working on all the things that need tending to. 

     The priority is to get all the trash in and around the house in the trailer as soon as possible so Mark can have his trailer back. We were able to get things off the porch that have been there for a very long time like the mattress topper, the broken office chair, the broken shop vac, rusty tools... even leaves and sand and dirt! We are close to being done  now though. I can't wait to be able to text Mark that we are finished.

     I still have not been able to sit down with Caleb and finish his end-of-year testing. He is about half-way through the whole thing. I have already had to pay late fees on the testing materials. I need to get that done too. 

     Halloween is just around the corner, and so is Harlee's 5th birthday. Harlee is going to dress up as a mermaid princess. Caleb got a plague mask from his friend, Gage, when he went and spent the night last weekend that he is obsessed with. I have a feeling he will be wearing that for Halloween. 

     My weight has increased this week. I'm assuming it because I am supposed to be on menstrual cycle this week. My ketones have dropped too, even though I have eaten fewer carbs than usual. I need to go to Food Lion and pick up a batch of veggies to roast for me to eat with my meals. I have not pooped in days! It really sucks. I feel like I am carrying weight that I shouldn't be. 

     I started a new blood pressure medication on Saturday. I don't know how much of my problems are from that change. 

     My Virta team told me that my baseline A1C was 9.8 on 8/4/2021, and as of last week's measurements, my new A1C is estimated to be about 7.7. I am trying to work towards not being diabetic anymore, which is an A1C under 6, so that's great news!

     I wish I was losing weight more regularly and faster. I feel like I get a glimpse of a low number on the scale, only to gain 10 lbs back within the next few days! It sucks!

     I bought some new supplements I might try today. They came in the mail yesterday. Some are for brain support, and memory support. Others are for energy. Others are for blood sugar. I would rather take cinnamon instead of glipizide any day. I would rather take green tea than a pharmaceutical to keep me awake. 

     Christinia organized the pantry while Caleb and I were away on Tuesday. We went out o run errands. It was pay day, and that's also the day I pay the bills. I had to go out and pay the water bill. While I was out, I went ahead and donated 3 bags of clothes that I had laying in the hallway, ready to be taken. I also went to Walmart to pick up Christinia's medication, and a few groceries. I made tacos for dinner. I had a taco salad made with ground beef seasoned in taco seasoning, green leaf lettuce, spinach, 4 cheese Mexican cheese shredded blend, sour cream, jalapeños, and avocado salsa. It was delicious! I have never had avocado salsa before!

     The repairman was supposed to come and fix the window unit AC, but called out at the last minute. I am using HomeAdvisor to find someone to do the job so I don't have to buy another window unit. They are expensive ! It has been twice now that the person who was going to work on the AC has called out. I'm starting to lose hope that it will be done. 

     Monday, I made appointments for Caleb to see his therapist again. She will be back form maternity leave at the end of this month. I also called the VA to see what appointment I had on Tuesday morning. Apparently I had a phone call with the dietician at 9:00 am on Tuesday. I was on a role, and decided to see if I could a dentist for Christinia to go to. Her tooth has been bothering her ever since her filling fell out. We tried to take her to the dentist last Friday, but when we got there, they said they do not accept Medicaid for people over the age of 15. Anyway, I got her an appointment to be evaluated in Wilmington. I thought things were going to go ok, but they only referred Christinia to someone else after the evaluation. We waited for 2 days to hear from the people she was referred to, and they never called. She called them and found out that their appointments are way out in January 2022! The problem is that there are not many dentists who accept Medicaid for adults in the area. 

     Wednesday I could not get moving. I was just blah. We ended up taking Harlee to get her first professional haircut at Great Clips! We also went to the Pet Supplies store, so I could buy a place mat for Bella's bowls so they are spilled over everywhere. Harlee got to see the pet birds, pet fish, and a ferret. On the way home, we decided to go to the beach since it was such a beautiful day outside. Harlee got to walk the beach and find sea shells to bring home. She was not happy when we turned around to go back to the Mazda though. She wanted to build a castle!

     Today is Friday,  and it is now 5:45 am here. I got my VA letter stating that my disability claim has been received. I submitted a new claim for a lot of things that are on my medical history and records. I am hoping to get a 100% disability rating. It won't affect my disability pay, but it may have an impact on what grants and scholarships Caleb can apply for when he goes to college. 

     I am trying to help my dad with his disability claims. He is using an attorney to help him, but it is not an efficient practice. My dad is legally blind and needs help. I applied for respite care from the Elizabeth Dole Foundation and got it for him, but they have not started yet. He has alot of claims to file and needs to be careful that he includes everything in his documentation. His attorney only has 2 things claimed, but he has more like 10 to appeal. 

     My dad is obsessed with Caleb going in the Army when he gets older. He wants to find out what it takes to be a rigger with HALO packing qualifications. He talks to me about it nearly everyday. I talk to my dad multiple times a day, everyday. He also wants me to look up a 2004 Land Rover and see what is available and at what cost. SMH

     I try to get him to understand that we are struggling with school right now, and dealing with his ADHD and ODD is no easy task. 

     Caleb has begun to earn money for doing chores around the house, thanks to Christinia. I offer $0.50 for unloading the dishwasher properly. Another $0.50 for drying and putting away the dishes in the dish strainer when I ask. So far, so good. 

     Caleb was bugging me about buying him a book when we were at Walmart on Tuesday. He was begging and pleading. I told him "No!" a thousand times over, I swear! I told him that if he wanted to buy something, he would have to earn money to buy things himself. I went on to say that we had offered him money to do chores around the house, and he didn't want to earn money! So there we have it. I told him that his begging me does not put money into my account for me to buy him things.

     I haven't heard much from my mom lately. Kenneth is doing better.

     I got a call from Aunt Lisa on Wednesday while we were out. It was good to hear her voice again. She sounded in a happy place. We caught up for a few minutes, but I was in the middle of getting in the Mazda to drive over to the Pet Supplies Store, so the call was only so long. I asked about how my cousins are doing, and my Uncle Andy too. It has been such a long time since I have seen any of them. The last time I drove up there, Caleb was only 4 or 5. I remember that I stayed with my grandma and grandpa and I took Caleb to Sesame Place! That was the last time I saw my grandma and grandpa. They both passed away. 

     In other news, Jamie McCurry messaged me on Facebook messenger. He asked "Did you find his dad?" What an idiot! Are you serious? After all the time I spent explaining why I was contacting him, and all the time spent with no messages at all? WTH?! I put him on blast and with screen shots of the entire conversation between us in my newsfeed. How much more obvious could it be that he is Caleb's father? He was at Camp Casey at the right time, and shares DNA with Caleb through his grandmother who uses AncestryDNA. 

     I am pursuing child support, but first Nigel Johnson, my ex-husband, has to be ruled out according to the state of North Carolina because I was legally married to him at the time of Caleb's conception and birth. Then, Jonathan Rivera must be ruled out because he signed the birth certificate. Only after they have been ruled out can I pursue Jamie McCurry, but it's going to happen whether he likes it or not. He will take the DNA test and prove that he is not the father or he will pay child support. 

     Looks like the state of NC is making it harder to get vaping stuff by taxing the Hell out of vape supplies. It's like 25% tax! Then the USPS just put a ban on shipping e-juice. I don't know how I am going to get my e-juice now, because the local stores charge too much for less quality e-juice. I  don't understand why, but when I buy from the local stores, their stuff always burns my coils.

     Caleb just woke up because he is having trouble breathing through his nose. He is congested. 

     It is now 6:35 am here. I wonder where Mathew is right now.

      

     

5 Year Journal Day 307

      Today's prompt is " Are you able to tell when you have enough?"  The short answer tot hat question is "Yes." 

     So, since I have last written more than a month ago, alot of things have changed. At the end of September, I went to Lumberton to drive my step-mom and dad to Southern Pines to for Dona Sharon to have eye surgery. She had eye surgery on her cataracts. On the 12th was my dad's 61st birthday. That following week I spent preparing to be gone for a week. I prepared meals in advance to cut down some of the costs associated with 4 people going out of town. I also wanted to stay on my diet as much as possible, even though I would not be able to cook while gone. I even invested in a huge cooler to store food in. I loaded the van up, with little room to spare. We brought Bella with us, of course. The plan was to take my dad' Ford Expedition to Southern Pines. That way, there would be more than enough room for everyone and their belongings. Once I got to Lumberton, we had to run an errand, and I noticed that there were no brakes!!! Come to find out , the brake fluid was leaking. Needless to say, we did not drive the Ford to Southern Pines. We had to make due with driving all 5 of us in my compact minivan. It was congested in the Mazda to be sure. I could not wait for the trip to be over.   

     We arrived in Lumberton on Saturday, September 18th, drove to Southern Pines on that Sunday, and I took Dona Sharon to her first eye surgery on Monday morning. Tuesday she had to have her eye checked, before they would do surgery on the other eye Wednesday. Then she had to get that eye checked up on Thursday. We checked out on Saturday and returned to Lumberton. Caleb, Bella, and I drove home on Sunday. 

     I believe it was Monday, in the wee hours that I was chatting with Christinia. She decided that she was ready to leave her current situation with her baby's daddy, and I was willing to go pick her up. She happened to be all the way in Charlotte, and was only 1:30 or so in the morning. It was pitch black outside. I don't normally drive in the dark anymore because I am afraid the lights will cause me a seizure while driving. Anyway, Caleb and I drove 4 hours to get there to pick her and Harlee up. She asked me to call the police when I got there to ensure a peaceful exit because he owned a gun and it was in the room they were staying in. 

     The exit was not without incident, although we did wait for the police to arrive to begin moving her out. Troy came outside and began taking pictures of my license plate for some reason. He was standing behind me as the door to the trunk was raised overhead for me to load Christinia and Harlee's stuff. I was bent over and moving stuff around to make space, and this fool is right behind me, in my personal space, trying to take photos of my license plate. I blew up. I literally blew up. After trying to stay calm, I got really loud and said something to the effect of "Get in my personal space again and see what happens!" I don't play. I know he was abusive to Christinia. I knew he was dangerous. I did not like feeling threatened in my own space. The police man who was outside, witnessing the incident, tried to threaten me with going to jail. I told him "You're not taking me to jail for being too loud! I fought for this country!" I was pissed and could not wait to get away from there and that situation. 

     We got the van loaded and headed out safely. 4 hours later, we arrived at my house. It was not cleaned up, as Caleb and I had been gone the week before, and prepping to go the week before that. The house was a disaster area, and I told Christinia that beforehand. 

     It took me a week to get over the scene with Troy and the police officer. 

     We are going on week 4 on Christinia and Harlee staying with us. So far, it has been ok. Christinia practically cleaned most of the house. I cleaned the hallway bathroom to the best of my ability, as well as the kitchen. She managed the living room, guest room, and hallway. The guest room was a disaster from Caleb using it and destroying everything in his path. His belongings and trash were all over the floors. I could not get him to pick his crap up and throw it away. I have been having the hardest time trying to get him to pick up after himself for years now. 

     So there's all that, then, I completed my physical therapy sessions! I am now supposed to be going to the pool 3 times a week and continuing my routine. I did not go last week because I could not manage it. 

     I have successfully lost 21.4 lbs. so far! Woop! Woop! I am totally off insulin and only on 1/4 the glipizide I was on. It wasn't easy getting back on track after being out of town for so long. I had a few hiccups while away. One instance was me eating a number of cinnamon rolls. The oher instance was eating some kind of corn chips. 

     I took Bella to the vet last week for her shots. She got her Bordatella and Canine Flu shot. 

     I took Caleb to have his second HPV shot and his Flu shot too. 

     I had to reschedule my appointment with NP Miller because I got busy doing something else. I was at the U-haul counter when she called for our phone appointment. I was like "Uh... I am not in a private place right now, can I reschedule?" LOL Yeah, because it was to talk about my sexual dysfunction. 

     I was getting a truck to pick up what I thought would be free furniture. It did not turn out to be free. The person was moving, and trying to sell her stuff, but would not communicate prices by chat nor on the listing. When I got there, she was 30 minutes late, and only then decided to say that the things were $50 each. I did buy some things, and got a free student desk too, but I did not buy the furniture I was renting the truck for because she wanted over $100 a piece for each. 

     I quit my Breathe4Change yoga program. I had fallen behind before the day of the first online class, so I decided to drop out and get a refund. 

     Today, Mark Gonzalez, the owner of the Mr. Rooter franchise around here, brought over his trailer for me to load my trash into. I will now be able to completely clean off the porch! It is stacked with junk including empty boxes and broken furniture. I am so grateful for his kindness. I could not afford to rent a trailer, and even if I did, I could move the trailer because I don't have a hitch on the van. 

     I woke up at 6:30 yesterday morning, but did not really start moving until about 9:30. I forgot I made plans for Caleb to go to Gage's house for the night. Gage wanted Caleb to come over to help him dig a giant hole in his backyard. Apparently they did nothing but dig and eat all day yesterday. 

     After talking to Mark, when he brought the trailer over, I was energized. I began the laundry in the washer machine, I began folding clothes in my room, I began to pick up trash from Caleb's room and sort things out. I also began loading the trailer with stuff not only from Caleb's room, but also from the porch. I finally put  my new clothes away in my closet where they belong. I finally got my clothes washed, dried, and mostly put away. I hung up all of Caleb's shirts, jackets, and sweaters for him. I took out everything in his chest of drawers to be washed and sorted out. We have a collection of clothes that no longer fit him that are going to the local thrift store that benefits the local shelter for women and children of domestic abuse. 

     The other thing that happened was that the dishwasher broke. I was without the dishwasher for a week while the part was being ordered. I had to hand wash dishes for 4 people everyday. It sucked. I fell behind on the pots and pans, but tried to keep up with the other dishes. The dishwasher got fixed on Friday, so hopefully we will back on track soon. 

     The window unit air conditioner will not turn on either. I don't know what happened. I hired someone to come over and fix it on Friday, but they cancelled at the last minute, and rescheduled for Tuesday. 

     It is now 4:33 am here. I have been up since about 3 am.

     I need to get Caleb back on the schedule with his therapist, Mallory. I cannot seem to get through to Caleb the importance of school and keeping the house clean. For some reason, he thinks he can make decisions to not be helpful around the house. It's taxing to deal with and I don't have the answers on how to make it stop. 

     I am trying to make progress in the house, but find myself running in circles since the dishwasher broke, and Caleb was put in charge of doing the laundry by Christinia- bad idea. Caleb is delayed and immature for his age. He is not ready to be put in charge of washing the laundry. There are rules to washing laundry that must be followed to get the most out of the washer and dryer. I think  she just assumed he would magically know these things, but he doesn't. For instance, you cannot wash more than 2 towels at once. Why? Because more than two towels will not dry in the dryer within 2 cycles. You cannot wash blankets together for the same reason. There are jus things that need to be taught in order to be successful, and he is not ready. Why? Because he has trouble paying attention and following directions. The only time he pays attention to anything, is with video games. 

     I have taken back over of the laundry. I am going to help direct Caleb through cleaning the parts of his room that I left for him to clean up. For example, he will be in charge of shop vac-ing the carpet in his room, and clearing the rest of the trash away from his room. I removed almost all of the laundry from his room, so I could wash them without issues. 

     Caleb so far has a general chore routine throughout the day. Give Bella water. Let Bella outside in the morning. Take the trash out to the trash bin. Take the recycling to the recycling bin, but do not leave the recycling in the bag. Instead bring the bag back inside to be used again to collect the recyclables. Feed Bella dinner. Let Bella outside in the afternoon. 

     Then he has chores like: putting the clean dishes away from the dish strainer, and unloading the dishwasher, bringing the clean laundry from the dryer to my room to be folded, bringing the dirty laundry to the laundry room to be washed, and sometimes, even giving Bella a bath. 

     We have built up to this much. I do not expect him to magically know how to do other things without proper instructions and supervision. 

     Homeschooling is more than just the public school curriculum in my house. Yes, he needs to know the public school curriculum to prepare him for college, however, if he can't learn to live ... what good does it do? He has to learn to control his anger. He has been working on it with me. I let him say what's on his mind, and I do not hit him. I don't know where people get the idea that violence is the answer to me parenting my child. He is not 2, and getting a "spanking." He is almost 13! 

     I get people trying to tell me about myself and Caleb, and it's like "What the Fuck do you know about me? Or Caleb?" It can be hard to deal with. I try to transmute my anger into positive actions though. I hope today will be another good day. A good day is one in which I very little pain, am not exhausted physically or mentally, and can work for more than a few minutes at a time to get things done. 

     That being said, there is a very good reason for my "unemployable" VA status. It's because I cannot hold a job in my current condition, and am not expected to get any better. I try explaining this to people. but I am not being heard. Look! I am doing the best I can do! I am limited by my disabilities! Lord help me with these people who do not seem to grasp the concepts I try to put forth. 

     My son has ADHD and ODD. He is going to behave just like he behaves, and that is because he has diagnosed behavioral issues along with mental health issues stemming from PTSD. Look it up! What he does is not only common for the tween, but extremely common for the tween with these issues. AGAIN, I am doing the best I can! 

     I am so frustrated! I don't hide these facts of our lives. I am quite open about my disabilities and Caleb's problems. So why are people acting surprised when he talks back to me? Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Look it up.  

     Anyway, my back is beginning to hurt, so I am on my way to lay down for a bit. 

5 Year Journal Day 306

      Today's prompt is "Are you able to tell when you have enough?" Yes.

     It is 3:54 am here and I cannot sleep because I am too hot. I have gotten up several times already, and have tossed and turned and thrown the blanket on and off. I finally decided to get out of bed and write. Yesterday I slept in until noon, when my dad called me. I probably could have slept all day. I was that tired and aching. I did not want to leave my bed. When my dad called, though, I got up and started my day. I missed breakfast and had a late lunch of the mixed cuts of beef I made a couple days ago, with butter. I also had a roasted red bell pepper I bought from Fresh Market the day before yesterday. I shopped online for a car jumpstarter for my dad at Harbor Freight, then I shopped at Michael's online for stuff to decorate the house. 

     Eventually, after my appointment with Dr. Karels, I got up and began to clean up the kitchen a bit. I found the roasting pan, and decided that I would roast some vegetables in the oven. I had a lot of vegetables that have been in the fridge for about a week now, so, I decided to cook them all at once. I layered them with eggplants on the bottom, then green beans, then asparagus, then zucchini, and yellow squash. I poured olive oil on top and seasoned with salt and pepper. I then put the pan in the oven at 375 degrees for 30 minutes, and wal-lah! All the vegetables cooked at once. Caleb and I had some of each vegetable with dinner. It turned out pretty good. Caleb doesn't like eggplants though, so I didn't give him any. 

     My mom called before my appointment with Dr. Karels, and let me know she was at the hospital with Kenneth again because he had fluid in his lungs again. 

     I discussed with Dr. Karels how I am doing in the Virta program so far. It has only been a week, but I have already seen changes. The day before yesterday, for example, I had a glucose reading of 97 for the first time ever! When I weighed in on Tuesday, I was 3.6lbs. lighter than the previous Tuesday when I started. I am suffering from the keto flu still, and also struggling with portion sizes, but I have given up everything Virta said to give up successfully. I have not cheated. I had guacamole, but I did not know I could not have it during the first 30 days, along with diet soda. I will avoid the avocado, but not the diet Dew. 

     Dr. Karels is happy for me, and proud of what I am doing to get healthy. 

     Caleb and I watched some "old" music videos on youtube on the tv. We had a good time, as they were music videos that came out when I was in middle school or high school. I knew the words and sang to him some of the songs that were from artists he probably didn't think I knew. They were rap and hip-hop artists like Outkast, Dr. Dre, and Bone Thungs N Harmony. I started to cry when I listened to "Crossroads" by Bone Thugs N Harmony. It felt kind of like a flashback. I was in middle school when that song was popular, and I distinctly remember it from when a classmate of mine shot himself in the head, while high and playing Russian Roulette with his "friends" who ran away and left him to die in the front yard. 

     After hearing an Outkast song, I posted on Facebook some of the lyrics to my siblings, and said "To ALL my siblings: "I know you like to think your shit don't stink, but lean a little bit closer and see if roses really smell like poo poo poo." Mathew de Mello, Sherri McCracken, and Eric Barker. " My mom text me and said "Jennifer that's not nice to put on fb. You know the saying if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all."

     I got emotionally charged after that text message was read. I almost couldn't go to sleep. I responded with , "They blocked me!! How about reprimanding them". I don't think we live in the same world sometimes. I know she doesn't realize that those are lyrics from an old song. 

     The holidays are coming up and I have alot of family members who have blocked me for one reason or another. I need to create my own extended family. I don't deserve to be mistreated and left out. 

     Anyway, I got the business cards I ordered in a ziploc bag. I guess the box they were shipped in got destroyed.

     I watched some of my Breathe4Change videos the other night when I couldn't fall asleep. They were about cultural appropriation and the history of yoga practice. It was interesting. 

     I got an email from Oceanview United Methodist Church. It was about my request to have help paying for the plumbing bills. I filled out the paperwork, and will be getting help. Amen!

     Meanwhile, I ordered some Mixtiles, which are photos in light weight frames in a square shape that stick to the wall. Today, I ordered some things from Michael's to decorate around the photos. I can't wait to get them all in the mail!

     Caleb just woke up. It is now 4:39 am here. 

     I am trying to get some work done on my house scheduled. I need estimates of how much it will cost before I can agree to do what needs to be done. I have a list of repairs that need to be done. First I have to get Caleb to clean up his messes so we can get in and out of the house without falling! Same shit, different day. I just cleaned up alot of the living room, and now it's back to way it was. 

     I am trying to prepare to have the house appraised for refinancing the house. It has to pass a VA inspection in order to be able to finalize a new mortgage. 

     Caleb got one section more of his test completed. He has about 5 more sections to go. I hope to get a few knocked out today before my pool physical therapy appointment this afternoon. Hopefully we can get it in the mail to be graded in the next few days. I bought him the books, 1984 by George Orwell, and The Lord of the Flies to read this year with me. We both a have a copy to be able to read together. 

     Bella is awake now and wants some love. She's such a sweet girl.

     I am trying to declutter the house. I have stuff I don't use, or have not even seen in years. That stuff can either be trashed or given away. Caleb has clothes that are too small and can be given away. We just have to find them all in his messy room. 

     I called the Child Support Enforcement office the day before yesterday and got a call back yesterday. They are going to try to locate Nigel to dis-establish paternity. Once they locate him, they will mail him a letter. He will need to do a DNA test, and the CSE social worker will go to court and do the legal proceedings necessary to move on to the next steps. 

     I call my dad every morning and start the day off joking about how it is to get old and be in pain. Us veterans have to stick together. We talk about what we are going to try to accomplish during the day and thoughts that have been bothering us. He brings up how my mom behaved when I was a little girl alot. He doesn't understand how she could just leave her kids and start a new life without us being involved. He can't comprehend doing the same things she did. Apparently she paid child support as if she were making minimum wage for all our lives.  She paid $250/month to support both Mathew and me. I went without new clothes for my high school years, until I got a job. I didn't have a prom dress that fit me. I didn't buy senior photos. I never got my hair done or cut. Meanwhile, Sherri is going to pageants and having modelling photos taken.  We weren't treated equally for sure. 

     Caleb went back to sleep. It is now 5:21 am here. 

      My dad asks me what is going to happen to my mom when Kenneth dies. I told him that I don't know. He worries about my mom, because she is still my mom. He says he loved the woman he married. She gave him 2 children, he says. He wonders if she will be able to pay to her bills without a second income. He wants to know where she will live if she can't make the payments on her house. After last night's text, it hit me. Dad asked if I would claim her as my dependent and have her live with me. I told him, I guess, if I had to. The thing is, when I was in need, when I came home after being discharged from the Army , from Korea... Caleb and I went to stay with her. We stayed with my mom for all of 2 weeks before she practically kicked us out. I was exhausted. I was depressed. I was confused about where to go to look for housing as I am not from Georgia. I was having to start my life over, and she didn't even give me the time I needed to recover from coming back from Korea before making us move out of her house. I thought about that last night. How should I treat her if she needs a place to live all of a sudden? 

     He talks about how his dad left him to live with his grandmother who was mentally ill. He was abused as a child, among other traumas. He talks about how my grandpa did not even send him money for lunch at school. His mother died when he was only 3 days old. She was a maid in my grandpa's home. She was not looked upon as human, and her remains were not buried when she died. My grandpa came to the United States for college and left him behind for about 17 years before my dad was brought to the United States. My dad was an "illegitimate" child , a "bastard" child. This is highly looked down upon in Brazil. 

     I am still giving off alot of heat. I am so freakin hot right now and I am sitting in the path of the air conditioned air flow. It's really ridiculous. I wish I could feel cold so I could sleep at night. I keep it cold in the house, but I can't feel the cold. I feel hot all of the time. 

     There is a guy who wants to date me, I think. He either doesn't know how to have a decent conversation and/or is a fake. I feel like his responses are scripted. I am on the verge of blocking altogether. He friend requested me on facebook, and after seeing that we have veteran friends in common, I accepted. I don't think it's something I want to pursue. 

     Caleb is back up again. LOL. 

     I think I might look through my binder and notes, and see what else I need to get done today. 

      

     

     

5 Year Journal Day 305

     Today's prompt is "Camping or hotel?" Hotel. I love air conditioning.

      It is now 11:35 pm on Saturday. I can't fall asleep. I am on day 5 of the Virta strict keto diet. Tonight was my first night taking the magnesium supplement that was included in the Virta starter kit. I was having cramps in my calves while trying to sleep. Cramps are a sign that I might need to take the magnesium supplement. 

     Day 1 of Virta total immersion of strict keto was August 31, Tuesday. I stayed at home, if I remember correctly, so I was not tempted to eat non-Virta-friendly foods. I managed to keep my carbohydrates under the prescribed 30 grams, and my protein under the prescribed 13 ounces. It took some research as I wanted to make a salad. I had to look up every ingredient I wanted to use for the nutritional facts to determine how much of each I could have. It was work, and I was already hungry. I wrote down what I found out, and came up with a salad that meets the specifications of my prescribed dietary changes. It's a good size, and tasty. 

     Day 2 of Virta was easier because I could just rely on my notes for the salad , which is where I get almost all of my carbs. Also, I learned to add salt to my foods and drink bouillon that was included in the starter kit. Made a huge difference in how I felt right away! I also learned how easy it is to add more fat to my meals, especially my salad where I use olive oil as part of the dressing. 

     Day 3 was about the same, although I decided to cook chicken thighs in the oven for dinner. I had to look that up to make sure I would not overeat protein. 

     Day 4 I had leftover chicken thighs and salad, so no new research.

     That brings us to today. I have not been sleeping well since starting the diet.  Not eating as many carbs has changed the way I feel. When I lay down, I do not always feel like I am in my bed. Sometimes I feel like I am floating. I do not like this feeling, as it is not comfortable. 

     I definitely have the keto flu. I am tired and have no energy. I struggled to get very few things done today. 

     Tuesday was also pay day, which means that I spent a couple of hours paying bills and looking over my accounts. I was exhausted after that. I try to budget and plan, but that only goes so far. If I don't have the money, I just don't have the money. 

     I also had a physical therapy appointment at the office on Tuesday morning. I had a re-evaluation with Nick. He thinks I could use about 8 more appointments in addition to the ones I have scheduled.

     Thursday, I had physical therapy in the pool with Amy. It seemed easy in the pool, but I was sore when I got out of the pool.

     Friday was awful. I was supposed to go to an appointment , but I stayed in bed. I was sooo tired. I slept practically all day and still woke up tired because I was not sleeping normally. I was keto sleeping, which isn't the same. 

     Today I woke up at an ok time. I took forever to get moving and doing things that needed to be done around the house. Caleb's messes are everywhere. I meant to clean the kitchen, but only got halfway through. I tried to get all the trash and recycling out of the house, but only got halfway through that too. I was supposed to fold the clean laundry and put it away, but I never got to that. I was supposed to wash Bella's face and ears and apply cream to them both, but I never did that either. I was just dragging ass all day long. Nothing I was doing was helping. I had my bouillon drink. No change in how I felt. I had something to eat. No change either. I had caffeine drink, my choice of Diet Mountain Dew. No change. Still tired as fuck.

     It's now 12:02 am here. I wonder how many other people have this experience when changing over to a keto lifestyle. It must be alot of people for them to name it the keto flu.   

     I am still having trouble getting the rest of Caleb's end-of-year testing done. I have already paid a high late fee bill because I have had the materials longer than expected. I feel torn between all the things I have to do. I might have to put Caleb back in public school. I don't want to though. Already there was a shooting at New Hanover High School, and 2 incidents that required Shallotte Middle School and Western Brunswick High School to be evacuated and cleared by the sheriff's department. 

     I have not been keeping up with my studies for the Breathe4Change yoga for educators program that I enrolled in. I am not behind, but I do not want to fall behind either. 

     Monday is Labor Day, and I am glad because I need a break from appointments. 

     Kenneth is doing better since having his lungs drained a second time, as far as I know. Mom sounded like her normal happy self today when she called. 

     Caleb is almost 13 years old and he is already acting like a moody teenager. I wish I could regulate his hormones! LOL

      I guess I don't have much more to say tonight. I still awake... just nothing processing through the ol' noggin. 

5 Year Journal Day 304

      Today's prompt is "________ is completely ridiculous." Anti-vaxxers.

      It is now 7:21 pm on Saturday. I returned home yesterday afternoon from Lumberton, where my dad is. I went there to drive my step-mom to and from her eye exam in Southern Pines. I stayed longer to be able to get the Volvo inspected , which is a requirement before I can pay my property taxes and renew my registration. Everything went well. Caleb and I had a good time visiting. We will be going back in September to take my step-mom to her eye surgeries. 

     A few days ago, 13 military members were killed in Afghanistan. Many more Afghani civilians were killed as well. 

     Hurricane Ida approaches New Orleans and will have landfall around Sunday night.

      Last night I looked for my adult friend from high school who introduced me to Young Life, Kristen Leatherman. She taught tennis as a tennis pro in Pinehurst. Mathew and I took her intro to tennis lessons one summer, and that's how we met. I found her on Facebook, and was so happy when she replied to my message. She also helped me find Karen Williams, who took me on a hiking and camping trip the same summer I went to Frontier Ranch in Colorado with Kristen and Karen. 

     I went looking for some classmates I had in high school. I was not successful in finding Glenn Polite nor Jessica Tortelli. Jessica Gonzalez does not answer my messages. This year should have been our 20 year high school reunion. I found my senior year photos. They were pretty photos of me. 

     Today I did not do much. It was expected to be 95 degrees outside and so I did not want to go anywhere. I took a shower and was just tired. It usually takes me a few days to get back into the swing of things after being gone. I ordered Domino's pizzas for our lunch and dinner. I officially begin my Virta diet on Tuesday, so I am getting it out of my system so to speak. 

     I was on my period week when I left the house for Lumberton, but was not menstruating, like usual. I think I am pre-menopausal. Anyway, I leaked in my sleep the first night I was there. I started menstruating in my sleep! I did not pack any clothes to change into, so I was stuck wearing what I had on. Thankfully, it was not a big leak. Also, thankfully, Dona Sharon had pads for me to use readily available. I had taken all my pads from their storage place and placed them in ziploc bags to distribute to the homeless women in Wilmington because it has been so long since my last menstruation. Now I know I have to have them for myself a little while longer. 

     It was so freaking hot outside! We had to drive the Volvo, which has no air conditioning, to get it inspected. We waited at least 20 minutes before getting out of the car and going inside to wait in the air conditioning. I was beginning to feel sick and had no water nor Gatorade with me. It was just too hot and I was sweating alot. 

     We managed to get the Ford Expedition registered and get a new license plate for it. The title finally arrived in the mail for us to be able to do that. It was about time. We waited more than a month , and the temporary tag was expired! Frustrating.

     Bella came with us to Lumberton. I sang the first 2 Coldplay albums on the way to Lumberton. One of the songs made Caleb cry. The first song I listened to made me cry, but I have been sad and depressed lately. During the time dad and I went to get the Volvo inspected, Dona Sharon went and spent time with Caleb and Bella in our room. Bella is great at cuddling and reducing stress. 

     I really hate what is happening in Afghanistan. I don't like losing servicemembers. I hate the Taliban. 

     Kenneth, my step-dad, is back home and getting stronger everyday, according to my mom. 

     Rachel hasn't been responding to my texts because she is grieving the loss of her brother. I feel for her. I will be messed up if Mathew passes before me. I never really had a strong relationship with Sherri and Eric. It's not that I don't care, but we weren't raised in the same home. 

     Aunt Lisa called me today. We shared updates. My cousins moved into their dorm rooms yesterday. We are both going to start dieting soon. 

     I managed to have my psychiatrist appointment by phone while out in Southern Pines. Dad had his phone appointment immediately after mine. 

     I had my appointment with the Virta specialist about starting my new diet on Tuesday. I have to go grocery shopping and prepare how I am going to eat in advance to be successful. 

     My bed feels so good after being on that cheap mattress in that hotel. Like butter. I hope my dad and Dona Sharon are able to find a house to move into soon. 

     I don't know how tomorrow will go. I need to have Caleb finish his end of year testing at some point. I was already charged $90 in late fees. I need to return the testing materials. 

     I have chores I need to catch up on. It's nice to have the toilets and sink back in full working order. 

     My fitbit was causing skin irritation. I took it off to charge it and it left a red mark that looks like a rash that lasted for days. 

     I started vaping 6mg nicotine again. 

     I was in alot of pain while visiting my dad. My cramps were pretty bad. I bought Icy Hot back patches to wear and they helped alot. My lower back hurt so much that it hurt to lay on the mattress on my back. I was moving alot in my sleep, and woke up tired. 

     My feet hurt pretty badly today. I did not walk today, but I was in the shower and my feet hurt. I had to try to hurry to go lay down on my bed and raise my feet. I think my feet were swollen. 

     I bought some office chairs on sale today at Staples. I saved almost 50% on two chairs. One is to replace the office chair we got for free from a neighbor down the road. It was used and already in bad shape when got it, but I broke it further, so I can't wait to have a new chair. I sit in that position at the table alot because I eat there and take my medications there. I bought a chair for Caleb to sit in too, so he can have a chair of his own to sit in for home schooling. He should be able to sit still for awhile in the chair I bought him. It is an office chair that is also a gaming chair. It was way cheaper than the leather chair I originally wanted, so I chose it for both of us. 

     I want to change the color of my hair and have wanted to try this brand called Overtone for brown hair. I bought the red tone on sale today. I haven't decided how much of my hair I want to dye yet. 

     I have friends who are anti-Biden, and I try to ignore their political posts. I don't agree with them, and they are allowed to believe what they want. I don't have to fight them. I don't have to waste my time trying to educate them. 

     I got the email from Breathe4Change educators' yoga to start the program today. I am excited and worried. I am worried that I will drop out, or not be able to keep up. I really want this. I want to do Radiance Sutras meditation class next year. Having this as a basis will help me alot. 

     I made business cards to promote my blog today. I can't wait for them arrive! They are so pretty, with flowers in pink on them. I know I don't write much informational or educational material, but maybe I can still build a fan-base. I won't know if I don't try, right?

     One reason for taking classes, is that it will make my blogs more interesting. I will have more to share as I learn more. I might be able to eventually make my own videos and have a subscription service or something like that. I have been looking for ways to work with having a job per se. I need an additional income, and who knows if I will be successful in getting child support ever. I want it to be more of a hobby that generates income, rather than a job. I wish I could make stuff to sell on etsy, but I don't think I can keep up with something like that. I have to be able to determine my schedule and not work on a demand basis. 

     So, basically how this Virta program works is that I will keep my carbs at 30g or below per day. I will eat only 4 oz of protein per meal, and add fat to be satiated. I will add salt to my meals to keep side effects of the diet changes at a minimum. I will also have a cup of boullion in the morning and the evening. I will take my glucose twice a day, read my blood pressure 3 times a week, and weigh in daily. I will use the ketone test strips to monitor my ketones daily. I will report any side effects as they occur. I have been given a list of recommended foods, foods that may be added to my diet after 30 days, and foods to avoid. The goal is to be able to discontinue diabetes medication. I should lose weight as a result of this diet as well. I start diet changes on Tuesday. I still have to go grocery shopping. I need to clear out my freezer of foods I will not eat, and replace with meats and frozen vegetables. 

     I am already making plans for the period I need to go back to Lumberton to drive Dona Sharon to her eye surgeries. I have to reschedule one of Caleb's appointments and one of my appointments on Monday. I want to be sure that where we will stay overnight will allow pets. I want to prepare a meal plan in advance so I am not messing up my diet. I want to cook for the family too, so we are not spending so much money eating out. 

     I want to go through the books I bought for Caleb's school year and decide how I want to start off. I know I want to be math and science strong. I also want to emphasize reading and writing skills. 

     September will be the last month of physical therapy, I think. I do not know if I want to pursue a membership to the pool or not. As winter approaches, I will likely not be as interested to get in the water, but I am not sure. The water in the pool is kept warm. I need to continue my physical therapy regardless of whether I have appointments. I want my body to be strong and able to move without pains. Hopefully replacing my chair will help the pain, because I know that it is a source of pain as I am not sitting properly when I sit in the broken chair. It is too low to the ground for me, and leans forward so that all my weight is pressed on my pubic symphysis, and that shit hurts like a bitch! 

     I finally bought some new underwear. I buy Speax for leaks, and they are not cheap. I had to replace my old ones though because they had holes in them from so much use. It's a nice thing to do for myself. It's just part of taking care of myself. 

     I noticed I have ring worm under both arms in my arm pits towards my back, where I cannot reach to wash. When I took a shower today, I used my back scrubber to scrub under my arms really good with the Bath & Body works Sage and Mint body wash my Aunt Lisa bought me. I love it. It smells so clean and refreshing. Hopefully the ring worm will go away soon. I have to try to keep dry too. 

     Caleb has athlete's foot on both feet, according to his pediatrician. She prescribed some cream for him to use, but I have not given it to him yet. He needs to shower first. She also prescribed more itch cream for his back, and that helps him sleep more peacefully. His back itches all the time. 

     Caleb has picked up my habit of burning candles, with sage, and incense. He is burning them now, and it smells good. 

     It is now 9:13 pm. I bought a crystal grid a couple weeks ago and it came with crystals. I have it set up near the candles, sage, and incense burner. I also have a Lady of Guadelupe candle that I burn. I have prayers and intentions that I set. I like to burn candles, sage, and incense when I am cleaning the house. 

     I wore my crystal necklaces while in Lumberton. 2 of them are for empath protection and 1 is for diabetes. I got 2 new necklaces recently. I have already forgotten what I bought them for, but ultimately I am trying to open my chakras and be more receptive to the Goddess vibes. I also rocked my moonstone ring.

     I invested in some yoga posters that show all the poses. They should arrive soon. It's helpful to have a visual to help me remember, and also because I want to teach Caleb as I learn. It will help us both physically, mentally, and spiritually. 

     I also bought a cheap cork yoga mat, a block, and roll to start my practice.

     I got the Bad Bitches Tarot from Ethony's store, and recently got the Divine Feminine Oracle in the mail. So I'm set as far that is concerned. 

     I want to get back into blogging daily. It helps me reflect on what's going on especially since I don't have any other way to express myself safely on a regular basis. 

     Dad took us out to Golden Corral the first night were there. I really wanted to go because I missed lunch and was sooo hungry. I wanted to be able eat ALL I could eat, for reals. And I did . I had a plate of salad. I had some fried okra, mashed potatoes, a fried chicken drumstick, fried popcorn shrimp, sautéed zucchini, lots of meatloaf, and some mandarin oranges and cantaloupe. 

     The next morning, I wanted to go somewhere to have a waffle. We went to IHOP! I had a Belgian waffle with a side of bacon. Yummy! Carbolicious. 

     We had lunch at Chik-fil-a, and Pizza Hut for dinner. The next morning we went to Cracker Barrel with Dona Sharon. I had the Double meat breakfast. So, I totally had carbs in preparation for not having them for at least the next 12 months. 

     I brought Dona Sharon one of my Zero Sugar Chobani Vanilla yogurts and she loved it! I also brought my extra blueberries that I would not be able to eat in time before my diet start date. 

     I have these scabs on my neck that I keep picking and it's like I can't leave them alone to heal! It's a bad habit. picking scabs. 

     You know, I won't be able to forgive Mathew, Nichole, Sherri, or Eric any time soon for deliberately leaving Caleb out of their lives and keeping him from his cousins. It's one thing to block me because I write what I think in this blog. It's another thing to block Caleb. We only have one family, and they are it. They have left us out of everything ever since last year. I suppose they are all Trump supporters. I know Mathew and Nichole are. Eric has no reason to block me at all. Sherri said I was being too negative on facebook and that's why she blocked me. Well, they may as well be dead now, because I can't reach any of them, and they totally do not care to talk to me. I may as well be dead. My own siblings don't have the balls to live with someone who is a as passionate and straight forward as I am and keep things civil without being childish. 

     My psychiatrist asked me if I had suicidal thoughts. I lied and said no. I think about suicide. I told her that my depression medication helps me. but it doesn't take away the depression. She confirmed that that is just how it is, unfortunately. 

     I just feel like if it weren't for Caleb, I might not have a reason to carry on. I am glad to have Bella around. She helps me sleep at night and calm down. I don't know. I have fighting strength to carry on, but sometimes I wonder. I don't think many people would be affected by my death. I have not made much of an impact on the world. 

     I am getting older, and I am not attractive like I was when I was younger and in shape. I don't date. I can't find someone worth my time and energy. I wish I had a life partner. I thought I would always have my siblings, but they left me to be alone in the world. I hate being the oldest sometimes. I have a feeling if I had an older sibling, they would not leave me to be alone. I have 3 older step-siblings though, and none of them give a rat's ass about me or Caleb. As a matter of fact, they all ran away when I was hospitalized and believed Dona Sharon when she told everyone I was schizophrenic, which I am not. 

     I really show my true colors by helping her and my dad. They did us wrong more than once. I am able to see that they both have mental health problems that keep them from behaving enough to live with. It is ok to visit occasionally but I can't live with them. My dad can be violent and rage. My step-mom doesn't calm him down, and goes along with what he says. 

     I am working on fixing my credit and lowering my debt. It is not easy, because it is not like I can just work more hours to make more money. I am working so that I can refinance the house. It needs work to pass the VA appraisal inspection to be able to go through with process of refinancing. I am trying to arrange for Stacy and her team to do all the work I need to have done, you know, keep the money in the family. I also need someone to help me remove the junk on the porch. I have talked about that so many times, and I still have not gone through the stuff on the porch to be able to get rid of the trash. 

     It is now 10:10 pm here. My dad was supposed to call me back, but he never did. I bet he fell asleep. Caleb is watching a youtube video game video. Bella is around here somewhere, likely laying on the couch with Caleb. 

     I will likely go through the freezer tomorrow to clear it out of the old leftovers I saved and figure out what stuff I will be able to eat versus what is for Caleb from Tuesday on. Tomorrow is Sunday so we have to collect all the trash to put out the trash can for Monday's pickup. 

     Caleb is nice and settled, I suppose it's time for me to go to bed as well. Goodnight.