Why?

     It is now 0220 on Saturday morning. It is the Saturday before Thanksgiving. Caleb and I are working on cleaning the house. Yesterday was a busy day. Caleb removed the box spring and bed frame from his room and started his laundry. I spent my time listening and singing to Chris Cornell, Soundgarden, and Staind on the stereo that Christinia bought me while I cleaned in the kitchen. I loaded the dishwasher and hand washed many dishes. I cleaned the stove top completely, including the drip pans. I cleaned off the island in the kitchen. I still have work to do, but that was alot. Caleb makes messes when he cooks and doesn't clean up after himself. I have to clean the countertop, the microwave, the drawers, organize the cabinets, sweep and mop the floor. Once I get all that done, I can spray the bug killer made of essential oils. I am trying to get done before Monday, when Nana will begin cooking. 

    Caleb is cleaning up his room. Man! What a disaster he created in his room! I mean it is straight funky! I can't wait to get in there and disinfect it and deep clean the carpet. 

    Listening to music from my teenage years brought up some emotions that have been repressed. I sang my heart out, loud and clear. I thought it would disturb Nana because the music is hard rock/heavy metal, but it didn't. 

    I was able to buy the turkey pieces from Lowe's Foods like I wanted. It was expensive to buy as much as I wanted though. They are fresh turkey pieces that we had to freeze so they will be good for Thanksgiving.

    The town picked up the mattress already. I called for them to pick up the box spring and frame, and ran into trouble. The woman who answered clearly didn't know what she was talking about when she told me they don't pick that stuff up. I'm like, I saw the town's truck with the crane pick it up! WTF?!

    Caleb and I went to Lowe's Foods to pick up the rest of our order. We picked up alot of my order the day before yesterday. We then went to Food Lion to buy water by the gallon, sweet potatoes, and lettuce.

    I made chicken taco salad for dinner. It was yummy!

    Cleanup was easy too.

    Today I have cleaning to do in the kitchen and I need to go to Walmart. I am running out of Diet Mountain Dew. I need a few other things too. Caleb is continuing his laundry and cleaning his room. Nana needs help getting her room ready for the next stage too. 

    I was able to send the stuff I no longer use to both Christinia and Rachel. I consider them care packages that help me clean my clutter. They included herbal supplements, body spray, soap, toothbrushes, hair care, and even kratomade! Lucky them!

    I have to get this dining table cleared off and cleaned too. There is so much work to be done because I fall behind all the time. Caleb is not doing his share of the cleaning. I use to do so much when I was his age. He resists and defies anytime I tell him to do something. There is always an argument involved. It's frustrating as Hell! Like how hard is it to throw a can when done? Or a bottled water? Or scrape off dishes before you put them in the sink? I use to be in charge of cleaning the whole kitchen every night after dinner. I washed the dishes and cleaned the countertops. Mathew took the trash out. When groceries were brought in, I put them away. Every Friday we had weekly chores to do which included cleaning the bathroom top to bottom, cleaning the kitchen and living room top to bottom, our rooms, the hallway, and the office!  

    I don't know what I have to do to get through to Caleb. I won't hit him. I refuse to hit him. My dad thought I should beat the shit out of him! It's not going to help the situation. He has Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, and ODD. It's the nature of the beast.

    I've been ok without Mike, probably even better! He had so many problems that he wasn't dealing with. I feel like I just need to be alone for awhile. The right person will come at the right time. 

    It's now 0254. I've had a few Diet Mountain Dews. I got up because I thought I needed to use the bathroom. I was going to talk to Nana because she is normally awake at this hour, but she fast asleep. We had alot of appointments this last week. We haven't been at home for long. We have got to get it cleaned up in here. I'm looking forward to making more progress today. 

    I've been praying. I've also started using Sage spray to cleanse and clear my space and my body. I am wearing crystals in my bra too. 

    Thursday I had Pool therapy with Nick. I worked long and hard doing physical therapy, and my back hurt before I left the pool. He has a student working with him. All 3 of us talked about Thanksgiving together. Nick knows how to fry a turkey!

    This coming up week we have alot of appointments too. Caleb has an appointment at 0800 on Monday with his therapist. I have my appointment with my psychiatrist by video call later that day. Tuesday Nana has an appointment with her doctor, and later that same day I have pool therapy with Nick again. I don't remember what is happening Wednesday, but Thursday is Thanksgiving! Friday is black friday, but I have no money leftover!

    I'm dealing with my depression that I get in addition to the depression that I constantly live with. It's called Seasonal Affective Disorder. I get really ready to hibernate around this time of the year. It;s hard for me to do anything. I am so fatigued and sleepy all of the time. I am fighting it with caffeine and I tried using my light therapy box. The light therapy box helps, but it is no replacement for the sunlight. I am now taking caffeine supplements to help me get my work done. Otherwise, I would be in bed all day long. 

    I was angry at the social worker for suggesting that I should get rid of my books. Like WTF?! I spent money collecting these books to read, and you want me to have people come in my house and just throw everything I worked hard for away? NO! 

    I was angry at Caleb for hiding how disgusting his room is. I yelled at him yesterday to get my point across. Like look. Caleb has been taken away before when he was preschool age. I was hospitalized and had no support system to care for him in the meantime. He was in foster care for a year before I got him back. I'm not going through that again. I told him, "You have to show me you want to be here by following the rules. If you want to stay here, you better get your room clean. If they take you, you aren't coming back. I'm not going to fight for you again. It's that simple." He didn't like that too much, but he was already working on his room. I know he doesn't want to be taken away. He just has to work to show that he can stay because his room is not safe to live in. He created the biggest disaster in the smallest room of the house! And it stinks!

    Meanwhile I have clutter galore in the living room that I have to straighten up. The goals are to have the living room and Caleb's room completed by the end of 3 weeks, because of the holiday. It has been  a full week already and we are making progress. I have to work on the kitchen right now because Nana needs a clean space to cook for Thanksgiving. 

    I feel like I'm ready to take my medications. I'm awake to be sure. I'm thirsty.

    I need to start drafting my book. I need to create videos for my app. I need to spend time on my classes. I need to read these books I have. I pray that I can do these things. I only have December left to learn everything in the Vocal Resonance Method. (Deep sigh) Where does the time go?

    If you are wondering why I struggle so much, let me help you understand. I have chronic hip and lower back pains. I have fibromyalgia which causes whole body pain. I have major depression, C-PTSD, anxiety, and Autism Spectrum Disorder. I have sleep apnea which wakes me up every few hours during the night, and I never get a good night's sleep. It hurts to stand or walk. It's hard for me to shower daily, and so I don't. I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes type 2. I have PCOS. Just because I look like a fat, lazy, woman, doesn't make me one. I deal with alot just dealing with myself, on a daily basis. I am very disabled. Sometimes, I wish people knew just by looking at me so they could have some empathy. 

    I'm ready to get my medications and supplements out. 

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

    

Early morning Tuesday

     It is now 0326, and I have been awake for about an hour or so. I got up to use the bathroom and felt like blogging, so here I am. Yesterday was Monday and busy. I paid the bills online, paid the water bill in person, went grocery shopping at Food Lion, and went to Walmart. I did all this, and missed my psychiatric video appointment! I lost track of time. I came home and rested for about an hour after going to Walmart. Stephanie, the social worker, came over to inspect our progress. She did not recognize the hard work that had been done.

    First of all, there were alot of Thanksgiving prep groceries still in reusable bags when she was here. Now they are out of the bags and in a storage container. Secondly, the space by the island that housed the dresser full of the dogs' stuff, was removed. It was falling apart and had to be taken to the porch. In its' place is a 9-cube organizer. Everything was moved around to vacuum. Third, the drinks were all over the floor. Now they are organized in a storage container. Fourth, packages were everywhere. Now they are all organized in storage containers. Fifth, empty boxes were all over the place. We got rid of those. Sixth, dog kibble was spilled on the floor. The kibble got vacuumed up, and the bags of kibble are now in a storage container. And that's just what I managed to do!

    Caleb picked up trash, moved the office chairs around, and vacuumed a part of his area in the living room. Caleb picked up trash from the hallway and vacuumed there too. 

    Now, I am not saying we are done, but we did not do NOTHING either. 

    Caleb has to clean out the crate for Bubba to be able to use it when we are not watching him. The incline trainer needs to be cleared off. The storage containers need to be labelled and stacked with lids on. The whole living room needs to be vacuumed with the pet vac, after the shop vac, and then shampooed. 

    Not only that, but I also made progress on the kitchen. I fully loaded the dishwasher and ran it, hand washed a bunch of dishes, and began cleaning off the surfaces of the stove and countertops. 

    I didn't get much done this weekend. Both Saturday and Sunday were dark, rainy, and cold with no sunlight. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder which is hard to deal with this time of year anyway. I have Fibromyalgia which rears its' ugly head on days like that. Sunday I decided to try out my light therapy box which was sent to me by my psychiatrist to help with S.A.D. I felt a difference once I turned it on, but it was not as useful as real sunlight. I felt depressed and tired all day. Thank God for the sunlight on Monday! I was able to get alot of stuff done then.

    Today is Tuesday. This week is a busy week. I have appointments everyday except Friday. Yesterday I was supposed to have a video appointment with my psychiatrist. Today Caleb has a therapy appointment. Tomorrow I have VA phone call appointment and a workshop to attend. Thursday I have a VA phone call with my pharm-D and pool therapy.

    It's going to be tough to try to work on the house with all these appointments I have to go to. 

    In other news, Mike and I broke up. Well, he broke up. He blocked me on Facebook. Quite frankly I don't care. He did me a favor. He found argument in everything I messaged him, balled it up inside until it was convenient for him to lash out. Fuck that! Grow the fuck up dude!

    I'm meeting new people already online. 

    I have to figure out how else to organize the house. I am likely going to have to give some stuff away. I don't know what yet. I have a very small house, and I have collected alot of stuff.

    Caleb has to clean his room out. Apparently Bubba has created a disaster area in there. I am getting help to find Caleb a new bed. His frame broke and Bubb tore up his mattress. I have a feeling I am going to have to get in there to clean today. I am not looking forward to it. Throughout the years I have cleaned Caleb's room alot. He is old enough now to clean up after himself. Ugh! Teenagers with disabilities! He has the mind of a 10 year old, but turns 15 this December. 

    I am trying to keep myself going. I work so hard to get everybody where they need to go, keep food in the house, keep the bills paid, etc. It's hard for me to deal with my own disabilities because I am expected to act like I don't have any. I get no help! I have not completed my VA claim yet for assistance, but I need to get to work on that. 

    Brian had a heart attack, but he did not message me back to tell me if he was ok. It really upset nana, his mother. 

    I don't hear from Brian, Jeanette, or RJ regularly so, I guess I shouldn't expect any different now. I don't hear from Mathew, Sherri, or Eric either. Veterans Day just passed on Saturday, and none of them wished me a Happy Veterans Day. NONE. These are my step-brothers and step-sister. These are my brother, half-brother, and half-sister. Noone cares!

    More holidays are coming up, and I will see just how alone I am. While everybody is gathering with their families, I will be alone with Caleb and nana. Thank God for Bella and Bubba! They are always in a good mood and ready to cuddle!

    I talked to my mom recently. I told her I would like to come visit her, but I have to figure out how to manage it. I don't have the money to travel right now, but maybe I could save up. 

    I lost touch with Granny and Pepere. I need to call them later this morning. 

    I lost touch with my Aunt Lisa too.

    I recently weighed in at just barely less than 300 lbs. It took me a long time to get my weight down. I hope it gets easier as I go along. It's about consistency. I have to remain in ketosis consistently to lose weight. That's the hard part! Who doesn't want a pizza every so often? I love pizza. It's what caused most of my weight gain. I was depressed and unable to cook for myself and Caleb, so I would order Domino's because they deliver. 

    I want to visit my dad's gravesite in December. I just want to sit there and cry for as long as I need to. This December marks 1 year since my dad passed away. Life just hasn't been the same without him. He always had something funny to say. I miss seeing him happy to see me. We had some rough times and we fought, but we never stopped loving eachother. 

    I think I'm going to get my medications and supplements ready. I'll then take them, and let them digest for a few minutes before going to tidy up my bedroom. It is only 0434 now. I can take my time. 

    I hear nana snoring. I hope she gets her rest. 

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

     

Almost there

     It is now 0415 on Thursday morning, so let's catch up. Yesterday was a busy day. We delivered nana's urine sample to the lab, went to Walmart to buy drinks, then to the gas station to fill up the tank, then to CVS to return something, and finally back home. It took all morning to do all of that. I came home, ate some Swiss cheese for lunch, and went to take a nap. I could not work anymore throughout the day. I was sleepy for the rest of the day. I did not even cook dinner. I made myself a sandwich, took my meds, and went to bed.

    Tuesday morning we took nana to have her labs done. On the way back home, we went to look at the ocean and the intracoastal waterway at the Veterans' Park. Once home I needed a nap. When I got back up, I wanted to go to Food Lion, so Caleb and I went. I bought some chicken thighs and a bone-in picnic pork roast on sale. I only went to buy lettuce, tomatoes, and sweet potatoes. I came home and made bacon in the oven to make blt's. That's what we had for dinner. 

    Monday morning is not clear in my memory. I know at some point we changed nana's mattress protector and sheet. I know at some point I began organizing the living room. I bought storage containers with lids to be able to store things like drinks and dog food out of sight. I made good progress, but I am nowhere near done. Caleb has to clean up his area. I have all our Thanksgiving ingredients in one storage container. I was able to get most of the groceries put away and the empty reusable bags in one bag. 

    At some point I checked the 9 cube storage unit and cleared a way for me to put it where I wanted it. I then put the foldable boxes in the unit, organized how I wanted it. 

    I think over the weekend I washed some dishes, and fully loaded the dishwasher and ran it. I know I was trying to clean the kitchen as much as possible so I could spray for bugs using this new spray I just bought, bugMD. I haven't gotten that far yet. I still have cleaning to do. 

    I only have another week before the social worker comes back to take progress photos. I have been doing alot of running around and have not been home long enough for me to make the progress I want. 

    I've also been dealing with my bank about the fraud that occurred that ended with me getting scammed. 

    I am hoping that today I am full of energy to clean because I also have pool therapy with Nick this afternoon. It's going to be a long day. I think I will cook the pork picnic in the slow cooker so I do not have to worry about making dinner tonight. 

    Tuesday was municipal election day. I did not vote like I wanted to. I was too tired.

    Friday is Veterans' Day observed. Saturday is Veterans' Day. I don't have plans as of yet, because I expect I will be too tired to go anywhere.

    I miss my dad. I want to visit his grave and sit with him. I just want to cry it all out. I think I will in December.

    Mike has not been well lately. He was sick all last week, and got worse over the weekend. He went to the ER in the middle of the night Sunday night. All they could tell him was he has a virus. Looks like Mike and I will be leaving eachother soon. He has to move to Denver to take care of his dad. The way he talks, he does not want to continue dating me. 

    Here I was hoping that he would spend Thanksgiving with us. Nana and I made all these preparations to have a guest over. 

    I guess that's the way life goes sometimes. 

    I had an appointment with Larisa Gosla last week. It went well. I have been given an additional 2 months to thoroughly go through the material because I will be tested before I am certified in Vocal Resonance Method.

    I am just trying to find my way out of the mess I created. I got scammed and lost $500 that I could not afford to lose. Some of my bills are unpaid because of it. I am praying fervently for help from Jehovah. 

    There is just so much pressure to do so many things all at once. I need everything done to completion right away. I can't move as fast as I need to in order to make that happen. I am slow moving. Time is moving faster it seems. The day ends before I get my list of things done. I'm always exhausted by the end of the day.

    I found a full scholarship for veterans who study in STEM degrees. I thought I could go back to school one day that way. I can never go back to school because I will never be able to work again. I feel so defeated. I know I can do it. 

    I just ordered my second batch of Kratomade. I can't work without it. It takes all my pains away in the morning and lasts until about lunch time. It's the only way I can clean my house. I can't do anything with all this chronic pain. I am selling Kratomade now. If you are interested, email me at jennifer_demello@healinergy.com

    I am sleeping better when I take a hit of delta-8 before trying to sleep. I wake up fewer times in the night, and have better chances of waking up feeling like I had a good night's sleep. Without it, I wake up every 2 hours. I'm tired when I wake up because I have not had sufficient sleep. I am an affiliate to Mellow Fellow now. If you are interested, see my affiliate page on my website, www.healinergy.com

    During my day I am using hape'. I use it to become more grounded and able to think more clearly. I use the strongest one that Four Visions Market has. I am an affiliate with them too because I use their products. Check out my affiliate page on my website.

     So, I am proud that nana and I made it to taking her to get her labs done. We both have such problems going places, it can be hard to sync up. We finally did it, and I made her follow up appointment yesterday. 

    I need to keep the laundry going in the background. I tend to forget about it. 

    Caleb was vomiting his medications for 2 days in a row. He said it was his multi-vitamin causing him to vomit, so I had to stop giving it to him. It's unfortunate because this was not always the case. He use to be able to take them as long as they were separate from his other medications. I have to find a gummy for men, because he is growing so fast and is not a little boy anymore.

    If I can afford to, I will send Christinia and Rachel care packages of the excess stuff I have around the house. I am trying to declutter the house, and they need some of this stuff I have. 

    I finally got rid of the bag of canned goods by giving it away to Jessica. I was clearing out the pantry to remove food we don't eat. I did not want to throw away good food.

    My business was mentioned by the UNCW Alumni Association for Veterans' Day!

    Bella was throwing up too. I think it was because she was drinking out of the toilet.

    I've got to find a single bottled water to take my Kratomade this morning. It's getting late. It's already 0512. 

    I got my Kratomade down. Now I need to get a gallon of water to be able to make my Gatorade zero so I can take my medications and supplements.

    I don't know how today is going to go. I got up around 0300 or so and have been awake all this time. I guess I could go ahead and start the pork picnic in the slow cooker. I'm going to cook it for 8 hours on low.

    I need to get this house cleaned up. I can only do so much in a day though. I need Caleb's help. He is resistant to anything I have to say. His ODD is getting him into trouble. I wish there was an easy around it, but he has to learn the hard way. It can be as simple as cleaning the kitchen trash can, and well, look what happened. I had to call the police and EMS. 

    What sucks is that the excitement of Mike spending the holidays with us was taking away the pain of not having my dad here. 

    I am just going to have to rewatch the Vocal Resonance Method classes and take notes. There is just no way for me to remember everything. 

    Once I get out of this situation with DSS, I will have time to devote to my other classes. I am going to study to become a Yoga therapist. I have even more than that that I want to do.

    I have to get Caleb to study. I don't know why he struggles so much with simple instructions. I know he is delayed, but how do I get through to him? He has Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, and ODD. Being the mom, is like being a villain to him. There is always an argument. I am always wrong in his eyes. It's like, I'm mom! I'm not always wrong! I have 40 years of life experience behind me! What more does this kid need?

    I am getting support from his therapist to take away his computers that he is always on. He likes to watch youtube videos of gamers. I don't get why. It's such a waste of time. I can't get him to read a book if his life depended on it. I have all these books that I have collected, just gathering dust on the shelves. 

    I'm starting to feel like I should wake Caleb up to get my gallon of water so I can take my meds. It's still kinda early, but I'm up and I want to take them already.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day! 

    

    

This is Crazy

     It is now 0537 on Thursday. Alot has happened since the last time I blogged. Sunday I had to call the police and EMS to my house. I asked Caleb to wash out the kitchen trash can. He wanted to argue and got me arguing back. The situation escalated when I told him to give me his computer. He refused over and over. I told him I would "make the call" to DSS to have him taken from my custody because he doesn't obey me, and I refuse to become violent to get him to. I picked up the phone and called. The call was on speakerphone. Then Caleb started saying "I don't want to live anymore!" He was banging his head on the rear outside wall of the house, and then on the bookcase in front of me. When he threw something across the kitchen is when I decided I needed help right away. No one answered at DSS because the office was closed. I called 911 not knowing what else to do. 

    The police came first and de-escalated the situation. I was taken outside to talk and Caleb was inside talking. I noticed that Caleb had not taken his morning medications. I made it clear that Caleb did not take his medications, and that he is a different person when taking them. I asked if EMS was coming to check Caleb out. The police called in EMS. I knew Caleb caused injury to his head with how hard he was hitting his head on the bookcase. I made it clear that Caleb has special needs because of Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, and ODD. 

    When EMS arrived, I walked up to the medics and let them know that Caleb did not take his medications and his diagnoses. I told them what happened, and what I wanted to happen. I wanted Caleb to take his medications, and I wanted EMS to check his head for injuries. 

    I knew I was taking a risk by calling for help. The house was a disaster and unsafe. Well things calmed Sunday before the police and EMS left. 

    Yesterday, Wednesday, I got a text message from a DSS social worker that hse was trying to reach me. I called her from the Lowe's Home Improvement parking lot. She told me there were accusations of a child living in unsafe conditions, and that she needed to see the house. I made arrangements to meet her. 

    I was at Lowe's to get some holiday storage containers for the stuff Nana bought for the holidays.

    I came home when done, and within about 15 minutes Stephanie was here to talk. Overall the meeting went well. I am guessing the police reported me when they saw the house to talk to Caleb. 

    I didn't get much else done yesterday. It was a stressful day. I did manage to get quite a few dishes washed or loaded into the dishwasher. 

    I am trying to remember how Tuesday went. I wasn't feeling the greatest. Since about Saturday I was having a bad reaction to a new medication. My birth control dosage changed and I had negative side effects. My legs and face were lobster red and hot to the touch. I was dizzy alot and scared to walk without holding onto the furniture. 

    I managed to have the last video call with Larisa Gosla though. I also managed to get us to and from Caleb's therapy appointment. I was exhausted by the end of the day.

    Monday I met with Carla for a little while. She brought over homemade cookies that were delicious!

    Sunday we had the police event.

    Saturday Mike was here and spent the day with us. I cooked 3 different meals during the day. I made 2 pots of chili. One was keto friendly and the other one was regular. I made boneless pork ribs in the crockpot. I also made a London broil on the grill with grilled vegetables. Oh! I almost forgot! I made homemade molho, and that took a lot of time. 

    I realized the chili wasn't seasoned as well as I wanted it. So the next day I went and bought more seasoning to recook both chili pots with.

    Mike was going to stay the night with me, but his step-daughter messaged him that she needed him for a medical emergency and he had to leave in the middle of the night.

    I had a really good time with Mike. I really enjoy his company. Bella loves him too.

    I had a seizure-like incident while we were resting in bed together Saturday afternoon. I just was having involuntary muscle spasms, but I did not lose consciousness.   

    Today is Thursday. I have pool therapy this afternoon. I will be cleaning outside of that time. I have laundry to do in the background. I want to get the dishwasher loaded and running. I want all the clean dishes in the dish strainer put away. Nana and I are going to unpack her packages and inventory her orders and then put the items away in the storage boxes we bought yesterday. That already sounds like alot to do. I bought a different 9 cube organizer from Amazon that I was able to put together. Caleb broke the one I bought from Walmart when he was putting it together. He had it put together somewhat, then it fell and broke the holes the pieces were meant to go in. 

    Caleb's room has to be cleaned up. He is going to need help. The dog crates need to be cleaned out so we can use them. 

    I bought the 9 cube organizer to replace the broken dresser we were using to store dog supplies. I have the collaspible boxes to organize things in. Once we get that where it belongs, it will look much better in the living room than it currently does. We have groceries to put away. The list is never-ending.

    I am a Mellow Fellow affiliate now! I use their delta-8 and cbd products to help me with my pains. Here is my link!

https://mellowfellow.fun/?rfsn=7704683.e671102 

    I am a Four Visions Marketplace affiliate too! I use hape' on a regular basis.

https://fourvisions.com?sca_ref=4517937.yWmJCk4rMX

    I am now selling Kratomade too. I sell directly though. Currently I only have the berry blend flavor available. 

    I bought a really cool looking hoodie from Grunt Style that I decided to try on just now. It is so comfortable! I love it! And it is cold enough in here to keep it on while I blog. 

    I did make some changes to my website. I am not finished with it. I am just getting started. Check it out.

www.HealiNergy.com

    I don't think I have any appointments tomorrow so I will be able to work on the house without interruptions. Mike has been feeling badly all week, so he is likely going to stay at home this weekend. We are already preparing things for Thanksgiving here. I need to make space in the fridge and the freezer. 

    I think I may have fallen victim to a scam. I applied for a Dr. Pepper car wrap job. I just get the car wrapped and drive around doing my normal things and get paid weekly. Well, a check and instructions were mailed to me. I almost didn't deposit the check, but I was desparate and depositted it into my account. I don't trust the check has any value now that I have had interactions with the person who is in charge of the process that is supposed to take place. I made the mistake of sending $500 to "the person doing the car wrap." I don't believe any of this is legit. I believe they took my $500 knowing that their check has no value, and now I'm out of $500. I can't believe this happened. The check is on partial hold until November 7th. I hope the check is real and fully deposits and doesn't leave me in the negative.

    Anyway, I don't know what to do about that situation yet. I might have to call my bank.

    I already took my meds, but I haven't taken my kratom yet. I need a bottled water. I guess I should get going. It's getting late. It's already 0648 now. 

    Thank you for reading and have a blessed day!

Hump day

     It's been awhile since I have sat here to blog. It is now 0816 on Wednesday morning. I have taken my kratom and my medications and supplements. I am just sitting here thinking about what I can get done today. Every day is different. Yesterday I was sweating all day. This week has been testing week for me. I had to do a 24 urine collection, 2 saliva tests, and I have one more test to do that requires me to take a pill at midnight. The saliva tests had to be done between 2300-0000 on 2 separate nights. I am also on what I am calling my period. It is the closest thing I have had to my period in more than a year. I'm not menstruating, but I am releasing some blood spots. So... it's been a long week. I had to cancel my pool therapy because I didn't want to contaminate the pool. 

    Yesterday was super busy. The day before yesterday I went to Walmart and got all happy looking at the sugar-free candies. I bought alot of them. You see I was craving chocolate. Anyway, I got home and devoured the chocolate covered peanuts. I ended up paying for it later with bloating and forceful painful gas. I decided that yesterday I would return the rest of the candy so that wouldn't happen again. So, after getting my meds down and Caleb's meds to him, we left for Walmart. The first thing I did was return about $60 worth of sugar-free candy. Yes! It was alot! Then I went and bought some hair bands and spoons. We left after that and I went to buy gas for the Mazda. After that, we went to Lowe's home improvement. I needed to replace my vacuum and carpet cleaner. While I was there, I also bought a new knee saver. That way I can bathe Bella in the bathtub without hurting my knees. Logan helped me get my vacuum and carpet cleaner. He is a veteran too and we got to talking about the VA. I got his email to send him the link to travel pay. I felt good walking out of Lowe's. After that we went to Lowe's foods. I needed to buy the ground beef on the last day of the sale. I bought some other groceries so I could use the save $10 off $50 coupon I brought with me. I am planning on making chili. So that was alot. We came home after that. I didn't feel like eating lunch, so I didn't eat anything. I instead looked through the day's mail and decided to try to see if any of the offers were any good. I got in contact with someone and decided to enroll in the debt resolution program. I am in about $75,000 worth of unsecure debt right now and struggling to make minimum payments AND buy groceries. It just seems impossible. So, I guess yesterday was the day to make the decision to move forward with a debt resolution program that will keep me from filing for bankruptcy. I spent several hours on the phone getting this done. I was tired after all that. The conversations were real and we went over my budget. Crazy. Henry was like how can you afford groceries? And I was like... that's what I'm saying! I don't have cash. I needed to use the credit cards to pay for our groceries. 

    So. After that was done, I went and talked to nana and had a meltdown and cried. It was real. I told her about what I had just done and how that would be saving us money. I was happy with my choice but I brought up how I have something wrong with me about buying groceries. I just have a fear of not having food in the house. It comes from not having food as a child. I cried about that because I hit the mark right on the head. I've never told anyone that. 

    Anyway. I have been steadily cleaning up the kitchen. I got the dishwasher loaded and running on Sunday. I hand-washed a bunch of plastic containers. On Monday I washed even more plastic containers and some pans. Yesterday I washed the stove top to the best of my ability. Today I will complete the kitchen cleaning. 

    I made Nana a salmon fillet for dinner last night. I had leftover pub burgers for dinner. Caleb had rotisserie chicken. I will likely cook the chicken thighs tonight for dinner. 

   A life-changing purchase was made at Food Lion. A longer roll of aluminum foil. A longer width. Yes now I can cover the whole baking pan with one piece!

    I have been running a sale for 50% off appointments for Reiki, but haven't made one appointment yet. I don't know what I am going to do.

    I went back this weekend and restarted my VA claim. I want to make sure I have everything listed on this claim. I am going to ask Nana to write a statement as evidence for me. It's alot of work. I have alot of evidence I have to submit. 

    I am still one video short of completing Larisa Gosla's Vocal Resonance Method training.

    I am doing so much better now that I am taking kratom every day. I have a relationship with the supplier and can buy at a discount. I can sell them too! 

    I am planning on becoming a Mellow Fellow affiliate in the future. I use their products too. 

    We have been washing laundry. and are starting to catch up. 

    I have been calling Granny and Pepere once a week. I missed them this week. They must have been busy. 

    Mike is feeling better. He had an ear ache last week and over the weekend. I invited him to come over for Thanksgiving dinner. Nana and I are already making plans on how we are going to put together dinner. It will be largely keto so I can enjoy it too. Nana is a good cook. We figured we could use my keto bread to make keto stuffing. I am getting excited already.

    We bought a scooter for Nana that should be here this weekend or shortly after. I have to clean the house to make sure she can use it in here. I have clutter everywhere. Caleb is helping more now that he is taking a multivitamin. Amazing what that can do.

    I go to Wilmington to drop off my samples and have labs taken tomorrow morning. I have to remember to take the hip braces with me to drop them off at Wilmington Orthotics and Prosthetics to give them away. I couldn't get a refund and they are too small for me to use. 

    Carla was scheduled to come over this morning, but was sick last night so she re-scheduled. 

    I have to get a shower. Bella needs to be groomed. Laundry is getting done. Kitchen needs cleaning. 

    I have a busy day ahead of me. I'm taking it one step at a time. Enjoying my hape' too. 

    I have to get Caleb's meds ready for him. 

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

    

This morning

     I woke up about 0230 this morning, and it is now 0435. I have been recording one of the guest videos from the student modules of the Vocal Resonance Method course. It was on EFT, or tapping. I liked it and participated in it as it played. I feel good. I will have to try to do tapping more frequently. 

    Yesterday was a busy day with 2 appointments, Caleb had his talk therapy session in the morning and I had my pool therapy in the afternoon. It was also Nana's birthday! Caleb's appointment went well. We were well received by Ms. Carol. I felt supported and Caleb left with some tools to work on until our next session. We are working on emotional regulation. It is not going to be easy, but it will be easier this time because Caleb is older now, and is no longer ignorant that I have needs too. We talked about how I become overstimulated sometimes, and he doesn't stop when I tell him to stop. We talked about how he has these big emotions, particularly anger, that he needs to release. I feel like we made progress even though this is only our first session back with Ms.Carol. 

    After Caleb's therapy, we went to Lowe's Foods to pick up lunch. I originally wanted to get Nana a California roll sushi for lunch, but then saw the panini sandwiches and had to get one of those for her too. I walked by the flowers, and could not stop myself from buying this beautiful bunch of flowers for her. We went home after doing a little bit of shopping, and ate lunch. By the time we got home, I was settling down to eat, it was almost time to get ready to leave for pool therapy.

    Pool therapy was a good experience. The whole day was good. I started the day at 0600 by taking kratomade drink. It helps with my pain levels. I also did some hape' which also helps me get going in the morning when I am sore all over. That was that catalyst to getting things going yesterday morning. I was feeling so much better with the help that these plant medicines provide. I decided to talk another dose of kratomade drink after lunch. I was trying to get more energy because I was sleepy, and I didn't want to suffer a fibromyalgia flare up after therapy. 

    I did my whole pool therapy session without pain and could walk out of the pool without pain. Nick told me about his pierogies that he made from scratch. I asked him about those as soon as I began talking to him! I was so excited to hear that it went well. The lady whose appointment with Nick is before mine was there because I arrived early. She was the one who started the whole pierogie conversation last week. Everybody was agreeing about we liked pierogies! 

    I like talking to Nick so it makes the appointments less stressful. Caleb met 2 girls who were already at the pool and swimming when we got there. Josh arrived for his appointment. He is a boy who meets a lady there for swim lessons, and he has Down Syndrome. When Josh is not in his lesson, he plays with Caleb.

    After pool therapy, we came home. I took a break to rehydrate. We later went to Food Lion so I could buy some keto hot dog buns. I did not have the energy to clean the kitchen and cook dinner like I hoped for. I had hotdogs. Caleb had frozen pizza. Nana had her California roll sushi for dinner. 

    I ended the night with talking to Mike on video call. It was nice to actual talk to him rather than chat in facebook messenger. I was tired and didn't want to type. 

    I met Mike Caton on facebook dating and he seems like a good guy. We chat throughout the day and he wants to meet me on Sunday. I told him it is hard for me to make appointments with people because I can't predict my health. I might have a bad day, and have to cancel. I don't like cancelling on people last minute, but that is how it happens. 

    It's hard meeting new people because I have so many disabilities. It's like I have to come with a warning label or something because I am so sensitive, have a history of seizures, have an overactive nervous system with fibromyalgia and C-PTSD. I have chronic pain in my lower back and pelvis. I mean it's like the list goes on and on. I'm diabetic and on a doctor prescribed keto diet. I have all these limitations to what I can do. I don't know if I will be dating long. Finding people who are mature and educated is a hard task in itself. 

    Wednesday I spent the morning working on cleaning the kitchen and getting the laundry done. By noon, however, I was sleepy. I took the kratomade drink around 0600 that morning. I didn't know if I should take another dose at noon. I just wanted to take a nap. I got the dishwasher loaded and running, the laundry going, and I handwashed a bunch of smaller dishes. I only had the pots and pans to wash, and cleaning of the countertops and stovetops left to do. I thought if I took a nap, I would be able to complete the cleaning of the kitchen when I got up, but that was not true. I was tired when I woke up. I woke up because I had to use the bathroom. I stayed up thinking I could get more work done, but I already felt like I had too much for my body.

    I had a dental appointment in Wilmington, an hour away, on Tuesday. It was for a regular cleaning. The referral was made back in February and only got approved by the Community Care of VA office last week.  The appointment went well. It was quick and there wasn't alot of scraping done to remove tartar. I do have 2 small cavities in a front tooth that need to be filled in my next visit. It's in an area hard to reach because it is where it touched the tooth next to it. Other than that, I am good to go. I got a prescription for Prevadent 5000 which is being filled by the VA pharmacy, and I am happy for the good report. 

    Caleb's dental visit last week was not so good. He has 16 cavities! The boy will not brush his teeth! I have struggled his entire life to get him to brush his teeth. He is going to end with dentures before he is 30! He also has an abscess under one of his teeth that requires dental surgery. I am trying my best to get him in with the only dentist in the area that does the surgery AND accepts Medicaid. It is not an easy task. They do not have a waiting list and every month is competition to get on the calendar before it gets filled up. I never win.

    Today is Friday. I am going to pick up Nana's cake today from Walmart. I need gas in the Mazda while I am out that way. I'm going to go ahead and stop by T-Mobile to return the broken phone and have them remove the line from Nana's account since she is no longer using it. I want to get this house cleaned up. I want to be able to cook dinner, so the kitchen is the first place I start. I want to make headway on the laundry too. I don't know how much of the cleaning I will get done, but I know I can do at least those things. I need Caleb to work on the living room and clean his room up. 

    I might be going to hang out with Tonia, a woman who lives not far away that I met on Facebook dating, on Saturday. I don't know yet. It depends on the status of the house cleaning.

    I need to take a shower soon. I developed a rash from the bra I was wearing and am determined to not let it happen again. I bought some sports bras from Torrid on clearance and they should be here today. I am healing well though. I am using a tea tree oil wipe to clean it daily and then applying frankincense essential oil mixed with a carrier oil to the rash. Frankincense is an antiseptic and helps speed the healing process. It has been known since before the time of Jesus that this was true. I just glad I bought the supply I have when I did. I bought them at 85% discount! I made the blend for Nana to try for her pain in her knee and shoulders. It does help her. I have not regularly used it yet because I did not make my own blend in a spray bottle yet. Maybe I will do that today as well.

    Nana fell out of the bed this morning. I had to call 9-1-1 to have help to get her back into bed. She is ok though. Thank God!

    It is now 0640. I have been awake all morning. I bet I'm going to need a nap later. I feel ok though. 

    I have noticed that my bowel movements are a drastically lighter color. I am thinking my new medication is causing that. I started taking Jardience this week for controlling my blood sugar. It's weird to see that.

    My ketones are elevated too. That is also because of the new medication. I am at risk of developing dka (diabetic ketoacidosis), when the blood becomes acidic due to too many ketones in the blood.

    I guess I am going to start my day. Time to make kratomade drink.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

Early morning

     It has been awhile since I have been awake at this time. It is now 0232. I just recorded one of Larisa Gosla's Success modules. I do not know how many I have left. I know I want all the videos recorded for my personal library before she decides to take them down.

    Yesterday was Thursday. I did not do any work until it was time to go to the pool for therapy. I wanted to have energy to do the whole routine appointment. I had lots of work I did not feel like doing, so I didn't. It was another gray day outside which automatically makes it harder for me to work to begin with. It was gray outside all day on Wednesday too. I had to miss my appointment with Larisa Gosla because I was so tired that I could not stay awake. My body was hurting everywhere due to fibromyalgia during the ugly weather. I thought I would lose my appointment, but Larisa is allowing me to reschedule.  

    I have been working on deep cleaning the kitchen this week. I caught up on washing the dishes, cleaned the stovetop including drip pans, and washed the walls behind the cooking area. I cleaned part of the countertop and threw away some things that I don't need and can't be given away. I was able to clean out both sinks. I still need to detail around the faucets and behind the sinks, as well as the countertop to the right of the sinks. I need to clean out the fridge and clean off the island. I want to detail the cabinets and sweep and mop the floor. I worked on the pantry last week, so that is ok. I cleaned off the top of the cart and reorganized my spices and herbs. I want to clean out the microwave. It's the change of seasons, and Fall cleaning is calling me.

    After I complete the kitchen, the living room will be next. Caleb will be supervised to clean up his disaster he created. I can't afford energetically to clean up after him. He is able-bodied, and I am not. 

    Once I have the living room cleaned up, I want to help Nana clean up her room. She bought some new furniture for her room, but we have not gotten together to put it to use yet. She is much like me in my work area. I have everything I need surrounding me closeby so I can reach it without having to ask Caleb for help for every little thing. It's a lot of clutter, but it helps me be more independent. 

    Caleb and I are washing laundry at a slow pace. I wish I could have another dryer fit in the laundry room. It takes so long for laundry to dry. I had Caleb try to to clean the dryer vent outside the house, but he said there is a screeen that he can't disconnect to put the dryer vent tool inside.

    I am 23 consecutive days into nutritional ketosis! I am only 7 days away from it being an entire month! My blood sugar is running above 200, so I had to add another medication to control my diabetes. I decided with Dr. Kent, pharm-D, to go with jardience. It should be here later today.

    Caleb was approved for P-EBT. I am waiting for the card to arrive so I can use it to buy groceries.

    Yesterday Caleb and I went to the pool together. I completed my whole appointment and was able to walk out of the pool without pain, without using kratom drink. I came home to drop Caleb off, and went out to Food Lion to buy groceries for dinner. I came home, and took a break, then began cooking chicken tacos for dinner. It was delicious! It's my new favorite meal!

    Today I have to go to Wilmington to see Dr. Oster, neurologist. I have to see him once a year face to face because he prescribes me medication. I want to ask him about "empty sella" as seen on my mRI of my brain. I want to ask him about new fibromyalgia medications for pain.

    I might try to meet someone who lives in Leland on my way back home. It depends on how long I take at the VA today. I met this guy on Facebook dating. I am not going alone. Caleb will be with me.

    Thank God it's Friday!

    I want to get this house cleaned up so I can relax. The work is never-ending. I don't have to make dinner tonight because I made enough for leftovers. 

    I was listening to a playlist made up of "purchased" tracks on iTunes when I was cleaning the other day. I heard some songs later that I haven't heard in what seems like forever. A few songs I sang to. At least one song, I wailed I was singing so loudly. It felt good to move that stagnant energy. I use to listen to music with everything I did. I don't anymore. I use to love to sing in the car. I don't sing in the car anymore. I miss my dad.

    I cried when I saw the 82nd Airborne chorus on "America's Got Talent." I just think that could have been me too had I made it to Airborne school. I see those soldiers and I think of my dad, my brother, and my half-brother, all of whom are Airborne. I miss being a soldier because I was always surrounded by other soldiers. I told Nana I might need to make a trip to Ft. Bragg soon just because I miss being surrounded by soldiers. Even though I was never stationed there when I served in the Army, Ft. Bragg will always be home. It's where I grew up.

     I've got to take as shower today. I can't take a shower everyday, like most people do because it wears me out. I feel so tired and can't get things done after I take a shower. I typically use tea tree oil body wipes to stay refreshed between showers. The tea tree oil wipes help me combat yeast infections on my sweaty areas. 

    I might wear a new dress today and might wear my new shoes too. We shall see. It's too early to tell.

    I'm trying to grow my hair out. It looks like it is growing, but it is growing so slowly. I want to have long hair.

    I keep breaking my nails. One broke off and took some skin away too, leaving a bloody mess. I don't wear my nails long because I like to feel the buttons as I type.

    Caleb's birthday is New Year's Eve. He will be 15 years old this year! He has grown so quickly. I feel like I can't keep up. A video came up in my memories on Facebook when he was about 5 years old. he was so little, and so cute. I miss those days.

    Believe it or not, I woke up to use the bathroom, but I felt so good that I wanted to stay awake. I wanted to take advantage of the quiet time uninterrupted. 

    I am trying to get Bella to let me cut her nails. I have to do a few toes at a time per day and give treats. She doesn't like having her nails trimmed. 

    I am worried about how I am going to be able to pay my bills. Everything is so expensive, and I haven't made any sales. I have not worked on my VA claim, but I talked to Nana about getting it filed yesterday. 

    We were denied regular foodstamps due to making too much money.

     I am still waiting for Arkansas to get my child support that is due to me.

    This weekend will give me a chance to clean up like I want. It's the only time I don't have to go any appointments. I am hoping to see the sun out today. I need to retrieve my light box for my Seasonal Affective Disorder. The change of seasons is already affecting me. I get really slow when the darkness prevails. I start getting depressed and sleeping more. 

    I am hoping that the worst of hurricane season is over already. Caleb wanted to go treat-or-treating but I can't manage the walk with him. I also can't afford the costume he wants.

    I am saying more prayers and affirmations daily than I have been. I had to use delta-8 vape to get to sleep last night. I couldn't relax because of my pains. 

    Looks like my Cortisol is out of range on the high end. I am waiting to be referred to the endocrinologist at the VA. I am not sure if they received my lab results yet. I need to check up on that.

    I have been taking each moment as it comes. I have been so stressed out about my bill situation and have nowhere to turn. I finally just gave up. Worrying is not helping me. It will be what it will be. If I can pay the bills, great. If I can't pay the bills, okay, I won't. What choice do I have?

    I was thinking that one day my blogs will be studied for their use in Autism studies and/or veteran studies. One day, my words will carry weight. I just have to keep on writing. 

    I am wondering what my blood glucose would be like if I stopped eating this keto bread in the morning. I only eat one slice before I take all my medications and supplements. I wonder if that is what is making my blood glucose high. 

    I am getting tired. It is now 0333. 

    I spent a little time on the CNN app last night to catch up in the news. I just read the headlines. I don't feel any better about our future as a country. I typically stay away from the news because only bad things are reported and it impacts me negatively.

    I am trying to wrap my classes in Vocal Resonance Method training so I can get my certification and begin teaching lessons. I still want to create videos for my app that I am creating. There is just so much to do, and I feel like so little time to get it done. When I work at my own pace, it is really slow. I can only do so much in a day or I will have a fibromyalgia flare-up.

    I still smell the chicken taco meat seasoning from last night. It smells good.

    I haven't unpacked my guitar yet. I still want to learn, but it has to take a back seat to the things I have to do around the house. I haven't been practicing my frame drum playing. I am supposed to put 15 minutes a week into it. I chose to do it on Sunday, but now I have Carla and Tyrone coming on Sunday mornings so I get tired.

    I wish I could just get all this housework done! Ugh! I can't move fast enough. Once I get it cleaned, another area has to be cleaned. It's frustrating as Hell!

    I feel like I could fall asleep now.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!