Parenting is hard

     Parenting is hard. I gave birth to this baby boy 11 years ago. He came with no instructions! He has been diagnosed with ADHD since a young age, along with speech delays. In the recent years, he has been diagnosed with ODD as well. He takes medication to help him through the day, but they only do so much. He has so much energy on any given day! He goes to the Exceptional Children's class at school to help in math and reading. When your attention span is short, it's harder to learn.
     I tried teaching him through K-12 online public school at home. It was awful. I thought they would be more flexible, especially since he has an IEP. There were daily deadlines and online classes. It was more work than regular school, and it stressed me out.
     Now we are at home for the remainder of the school year. I'm having trouble getting him to do his online work. We checked out a Chromebook from the school so he could keep up with his classes online. He refuses to log in. He finds other stuff to do. He found my arts and crafts box, and began drawing, and painting. He can be very creative. He also found my old Army uniforms and enjoys wearing them, and snooping through my stuff, trying to figure out what everything is. My Aunt recently sent him a radio controlled helicopter, so he has been learning to fly it. He spends a lot of time with it now, as well as his phone. He is allowed to play free age-appropriate games on his phone. It keeps him from getting into trouble. He has taken apart 2 of his bikes, with tools he found from my dad's stuff. He has practically shaved the logs I had in front of the house, to use for my landscaping project. He has made a number of forts in the living room. We watch tv together before bed, usually "House" or a movie.
     I have stuff I need to do throughout the day. It's not as if I can give him my full attention all of the time. He needs more social interactions with peers. I'm working on trying to find out if his classmates are able to chat online in the school's programming. He's so bored! He has been taking our dog for daily walks, by himself. I'm very proud of him for that. On school days, we usually go to pick up his free meals from the closest high school pickup. He can eat! He is growing so fast! It's worth it to get us out of the house for a little while.
     He enjoys being outside, but is not usually allowed outside without supervision. He has caused trouble in the past, and I don't want future instances of that. He has daily chores to do. Sometimes they do not need to be done daily, so he has just has to do them when I ask. He takes the trash out, takes the recycling out, unloads the dishwasher, and unloads the dish strainer. He was also feeding Bella, our pitbull/lab mix rescue, and giving her water but since we took her to the vet the other day, and found out she has gained 7 pounds since December, I am taking over. He still refills her water as asked. He lets her outside as reminded.
     He is horrible at keeping spaces clean. He can not keep his room clean for all the money in the world. He just can't. I don't understand it. As soon as I clean an area, he's there making a mess. It's really frustrating because he doesn't clean up after himself at all. Ugh!
     He is growing man hair, which means he's not my baby boy anymore, but a young man. He is immature for his age. He thinks it's hilarious to fart on me. I hate that so much. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em! I have to return fire, he won't stop. He likes to rough house with me. I tickle him until he's on the verge of peeing in his pants.
      He doesn't like sleeping in his bedroom. It creeps him out. He sleeps in the living room with me. He sleeps in the reclining chair with Bella, while I sleep on the couch. Even though my bedroom has been free for months now, I still don't sleep in there. I've gotten use to sleeping on the couch. I've got my whole setup with my fan, my CPAP, and my phone charger out here.
   

The Year Was 2013

     The was 2013, and I had been working on losing the weight I gained from pregnancy and post-partum depression. I was living in my own apartment in Wilmington, NC, as I was enrolled at UNCW. Caleb was in daycare at the time. I had successfully lost at least 50 lbs. I worked out in the apartment complex gym at least 4 days out of the week for at least an hour. I was super proud of myself. I had gone from the largest I had ever been, to the smallest I had ever been.
     That summer, I took a trip to visit my family in New Jersey. Caleb and I drove all day to get there. I blasted the music and sang almost the whole way. He didn't complain once! We spent about a week with my grandparents on my dad's side, and my Aunt Lisa's family. It was their first time meeting Caleb. Things were going well for me... until they weren't.
      Not long after I returned home, I was taken to the Emergency Room for psychiatric reasons by the police. My brother, Mathew, had noticed my "weird" posts on Facebook, and had cause for concern. He called to have a welfare check by the local police. The police came to check on me at my apartment, and determined I needed to go to the hospital immediately. I was forced to leave Caleb with the police officer in my apartment. When I did not return, he called social services for emergency foster care placement. I spent the longest 13 days at The Oaks in Wilmington. I was worried about becoming homeless. I was worried about my son, who I had never been away from that long before. I slept so much. Without my diet pills, I couldn't stay awake. I was so depressed all over again, that is, once I could think clearly.
      It would be what felt like a lifetime of misery before I would gain custody of my son again, almost a year. Within that time, I had to drop out of school for a semester. I could not think. Immediately after I left the hospital, I went to get tattoos of crosses all over my body. I have flesh toned crosses on my temples, across my neck, on my forehead, and across the front and back of my torso. I had a bubble gum pink cross on my tongue. I have violet crosses on the inside of my upper and lower lips, and the inside of my wrists. I even shaved my head bald to have it tattooed with crosses. I have a head of violet crosses and pink stars. Seriously, I believed Satanists were after me, and this seemed like a good alternative to writing on my body everyday with sharpies.
     As a side note, I was one day away from seeing the mental health clinic at the VA before they committed me. I made follow up appointments with the mental health clinic at the VA after I was released. I started therapy and seeing a psychiatrist. I was on some heavy doses of strong medication. When I was awake, I was eating or crying. I slept a lot. I was so badly depressed. They had taken away my son, and I had no idea I would not be getting him back when I came home from the hospital. I missed my baby every second of the day. He was only 4 years old at the time. I was treated badly by the workers at social services. Apparently they thought falsehoods of me. I was not a criminal. I tested clean of all drugs. I was doing my best as a young single mother and college student. Obviously I was suffering from some sort of mental illness... maybe they had something against that? Who knows.
     I would have routine check ups from social services at home. They wanted a family member to supervise me in my home while I recovered, and show that I could take care of my son appropriately. My dad had gotten in touch with me while I was at the hospital. We planned on him and his partner to move in to settle this custody business. That Fall, they moved from Florida, where they had been staying with a friend of their's.
     It took me years to recover from the trauma of everything that occurred. I carried guilt that I should have never owned. It wasn't my fault that I had a mental breakdown. It wasn't my fault I had no friends or family close by. I was only one day away from seeing mental health at the VA. 1 DAY! I didn't have the mental clarity to just say that, and avoid the entire situation. I had to go to court dates. I had to pay child support. I had to file for a VA disability increase and unemployability. I had to file for Social Security Disability. I was totally dependent on my GI Bill at the time, and a small amount came from my initial VA disability claim. Without going to school, I was on the road to homelessness. I was stressed out to the max! My dad and his partner were supposed to help me pay the rent while they stayed with me. They never helped. Ever. So now, it was my responsibility to keep all of us housed, while I was losing income everyday.
     They slept all day and stayed awake all night. I hated it. I wanted to find peace of mind, and they were not helping. I couldn't trust anybody. I was paranoid about people and how they would respond to the news that I had been involuntarily committed to a mental hospital. I was scared of just about everything involving my future and my son's future. In the beginning, I was only allowed 30 minutes a week of supervised visitation at the department of social services. It was horrible. I missed Caleb so much. My heart was broken. My only baby.
     I totally fell out of my routine after the hospital stay. I no longer went to the gym. I had no motivation to leave my bedroom. I gained weight quickly. I thought I could snap back after I was released, and go to school right away, as the Fall semester had already started. I couldn't manage it. My head was somewhere else completely.
     Shortly after all the court dates, supervised visits, social services check ups, and mental health appointments, and gaining custody of Caleb, I ran into a problem with my "parents". Caleb was in intensive in-home therapy about 4 times a week. One day I sat with one of the therapists outside of the apartment and told them how bad things really were with them... how they treated my son. We  agreed that I wanted them to move out, and we had to find a safe way to tell them. We had an intervention with 2 of the therapists as witnesses. I knew my dad would get violent, and he did. He was asked to leave immediately because of his rage.
     The next day or so, I came out of the shower, after getting dressed, and the police had been called. I had terminated the use of wiFi because they had not helped pay ANY bills. I was more than pissed off at how I was taken advantage of during my breakdown. They tried to proclaim that I was mentally unstable. I showed no signs of that. The police officer got angry and said something to the effect that if he got called out "here" again, everybody was going to jail.
    I got angry, and took the bed they had been sleeping on down to the dumpster. Sure did. I reconnected the wiFi so they could find somewhere else to go. I took Caleb to a hotel for a few days and waited for them to leave. I wanted nothing more to do with them. They had taken Caleb to the room they shared to sleep in (my "parents" broke the damn air mattress I bought for them) and they were trying to beat him! He was 5 years old at the time! What the fuck?! (Excuse my language) They were BOTH in there behind a closed door trying to hurt him as discipline. That's not how I choose to parent. My dad hit me when I was growing up, I was determined to not hurt my kids. They had to go, and they had to go now. Their anger problems were too much, and violent.
      This, after all the work that had been done to get Caleb back home. It made no sense. I thought they loved him at least, if not me too. That's not love. That's pure hatred. Thinking about these things now, I can't believe I let them move in to my house. I'm far from being perfect. It was not an easy decision to make.
      Also, while my "parents" were living with me, my dad had gotten violent towards his partner and threw one of my ceramic bowls that had been filled with chili. He totally broke the thing. I ran out and yelled at him. He went outside. I went to my room with Caleb and locked the bedroom door. I was a nervous wreck. My dad stands taller than I am, and I'm sure he was at that point stronger than I was.
     He blamed my "lack" of mental health for my reactive behavior in having them removed. I had the support of my mental health team at the VA, and Caleb's therapy team. I had checked in with them plenty of times to be able to trust that I was doing the right thing. My whole world had been rocked by the hospitalization and everything that followed. I no longer trusted my own thoughts. It took a long time to feel ok again.
     I thought happiness would return to me once I got Caleb back home. It didn't last. I was severely depressed for the whole time he was gone, and I was not snapping back as I had hoped. I grieved the lose of my "parents", even though they are the lowest of the low. They were all I had at the time, and I had to kick them out. Now, I really was all alone, again, and that was scary.
     Eventually I did return to school. My finances required that I go back in the Spring of 2014. I worked my butt off on a dual degree in Business Administration with Concentrations in Operations Management and also Management of Information Systems. I ended up graduating in May 2015. It was more anxiety than I could take, so I watched the graduation ceremony on my iPhone from home. I was unable to complete the dual degree due to difficulties in the capstone class for the Management of Information Systems concentration, but I did graduate with a Bachelor's of Science in Business Administration with concentration in Operations Management! Oh I was so close! Just one class away from a dual degree! But I graduated! After all that hard work, all by myself, it was complete!

Lost a friend

     Last fall I "adopted" a sister veteran. We served in Korea together. She found herself in an abusive relationship, and I desperately wanted to help her get on her feet. She had a toddler, daughter, living with her in nowhere Iowa. I was assigned to 618th Dental Company in Yongsan Garrison, Seoul, South Korea in February, 2008. We were under the 65th Medical Brigade Command, and supported servicemembers throughout the whole country. I personally wasn't serving as a dental personnel. I was serving as a Unit Supply Specialist, 92Y. I worked in 618th Headquarters in Yongsan, and provided supplies to the dental clinics throughout the country. My job included maintaining inventories of war-time supplies, and everyday use supplies that were non-medical. There was  Medical Supply personnel to supply the and maintain the dental tools and equipment. I arrived in Korea as a Private Second Class, E-2. It was my first assignment after Advanced Individual Training (A.I.T.).
     My friend, whose name is Christinia, but I knew her as Ricker, was a Motor Pool supply something or other. I forget the actual term for her job. Anyway, she ordered supplies for our war-time transportation... the Humvees, and LMTV's.
     I don't remember how we became friends, but we were in the same unit, the same platoon. I became pregnant while serving in Korea. So did she. We carried our first-borns sons together. She gave birth to her son one week prior to me giving birth. I don't remember much, but this much I do remember. She came to my rescue on New Year's Eve 2008. I had put myself in the bathtub, trying to ease the pain of what I thought was false labor. My son, Caleb, was not due for another 2 weeks. What ended up being contractions, were getting stronger and closer together, and I could no longer take the pain. I called her at some odd hour when it was still dark outside, and she came over. She called an ambulance for me and went with me to the hospital. She watched as I received my epidural, which I was almost too late to get. Apparently I was actually in labor and didn't even realize it. She held my hand as I pushed and eventually delivered my son. I can not thank her enough for being there for me, and I wanted to find a way to repay her kindness and care. I had no family in Korea. I lived alone in an apartment off-post. I was scared. My baby's father was not in the picture at all. I was going through my first birth experience all alone in a foreign country on a holiday, with a snow storm outside.
     I lost track of her after, but I eventually found her on Facebook. We began to catch up and tried to maintain communication, so when she finally told me about what she was going through, I offered to help. After confirming that she was really going to leave, I bought both her and her daughter plane tickets to fly from Iowa to North Carolina. She was going to live with us for awhile. Mind you, my dad and his partner were already living here, and I don't have a large house by any means. I went out of my way to buy a shed, and and remove my stuff from the third bedroom, which I was using for storage. I also bought a bed to put in the bedroom so that she would not have to sleep on the floor for very long. I was doing my best to make it a comfortable place to be, in a very uncomfortable situation. I wanted to offer her a peaceful, family-oriented, loving environment.
     The second day she was here, in my house, my dad lost his temper and choked Caleb. So much for peace! She was here throughout the whole ordeal with my dad and his partner. She has more than one mental illness, and the stress was too much. She was falling apart. She had remained strong through a lot of it, but couldn't take it anymore. I brought her to the emergency room in the hopes of securing psychiatric medication to help her relieve the anxiety and mental disturbances. We were successful, but the help was only a temporary fix. She needed more regular care.
     We did everything together, and we fell in what I thought was love. I do not consider myself bi-sexual or lesbian. I just wanted to protect and care for her to the best of my ability. The same for her daughter, who she suspected to have Autism.
     Caleb started acting out, and did not like Christinia. She complained about him everyday. Eventually, she moved out. I didn't and I don't understand her. She has so much mental and emotional baggage that she is not willing to work through. Meanwhile, I have been working on my problems for years. The first step is admitting you have a problem. She could do that all day. The second step is getting help. She didn't accept help. Maybe she wasn't ready. I don't know.
     When she left, we were sad, but within days she was calling me names and being extremely hateful and irrational. Maybe I dodged a bullet there. She had agreed to paying me back for the plane tickets, but after she left, she was no longer willing to make payments towards it. She blamed me for her difficulties in living in my house, and her inability to have a meaningful relationship with my son. She was hateful towards him and every little thing he did "triggered" her. It was exhausting. I could finally breathe after she left. Caleb celebrated when he came from school that day!
     All I can say is it was a crazy time in my life, and I'm glad it's over. I still wonder about them. I wonder how they are faring through all this COVID-19 stuff. I wonder if they are homeless. I was trying to set her up with her own income by filling out applications for VA disability and Social Security Disability for her. I was trying to get her records in order. I took her to Social Services to apply for Medicaid, Food Stamps, and childcare funding. She was able to establish child support for her daughter. I was trying to get her prepared to go back to college and complete a degree using the GI Bill. I knew the way to do things, because I had done them all by damned self. I didn't have any help. I thought she would be grateful. I put a lot of work into setting her up for success. I had high hopes for her. She would be able to support herself by her own means. She could be independent of any man. Her mental illnesses got the best of her.
     Lessons learned: I can not make someone evolve, I can not afford to spend time/money/energy with negative people, I need my own space AWAY from CRAZY.

Assault on a child under 12

     Last fall, I had to deal with something horrific. My dad and his partner were living in my house along with my son, my dog, and me. My dad has mental health issues and so does his partner, but I never thought it would come to this. He choked my son on two separate occasions in my house while living with us. I saw him the first time. The second time, I cam eon the scene a few seconds late, but my son told me what he had done. My son was in therapy and we reported the situation to his therapist.
     Then one Friday afternoon, Child Protective Services arrives at my house wanting to discuss what was going on. The end result of the visit was that I had the police show up to protect the social worker from my dad, who I know to get violent when he is angry, and oh boy did he get angry! He told the police that he acted in self-defense from my then 10 year old son. Now keep in mind my dad stands at 6 feet tall and weighs about 260lbs or so.
      The social worker states that he must leave the house for it to be a safe place for my son. She tells him this, but he refuses. I try to work out a deal with him, but he still refuses to leave. My friend, her daughter, my son, and I end up going to a local hotel for the weekend. The next day, my dad is taken to jail for having an outstanding warrant for his arrest for failure to appear to his prior court dates. He calls me to have me bail him out. I should have left him in there. It would have saved me from what the future held. Having a big heart is a curse. I couldn't leave him in jail. I managed to find a way to bail him out and get him to the house. He became more cooperative after that.
       We returned to the house on Monday. He, having no money, decided to live in his car, in the neighbor's yard. He wanted to come in and shower. He wanted us to bring him drinks. He wanted us to bring him his medicine. He wanted to use my car for the air conditioning, which by the way, emptied my fuel tank. He wanted to come inside to use the bathroom. He wasn't supposed to be on the property at all! I tried to get him to go to a shelter. He wouldn't go. I tried to find him housing. He didn't take it. For two and a half weeks he was a terrorist to us. He stayed until the first of the month when they would get paid. Everyday there was some dad-related drama. I didn't want to be around him. My friend was bringing him his drinks and meals. My anxiety was through the roof. My dad's partner stayed in her room most of the time, sleeping. They both had to go.
     On the first, we called the police once again, to ensure they had a peaceful exit. It was suggested we do this by the social worker. It was not peaceful. Both of them lost control and yelled out every bad thing about me to the police and my friend, some true, others false. My heart was already broken. I just wanted them gone. They moved out with as much as they could fit in their car. They left with their car on a tow truck.
     I went and filed for a protective order against my dad. He was obviously more unstable than I had imagined. It was not safe. He threatened to burn the house down with us in it. He threatened to blow up the social services office with everybody in it, and then killing those who ran out. He bragged that no one would even know it was him. A court date was set, and that was the next time I saw my dad.
     I hired a domestic violence lawyer to help me get through the hearing. We waited practically all day for our turn. Finally she negotiated with my dad to sign the protective order, pending he be able to get his Dodge Ram Charger from the property. He said he didn't care if he never saw me again, all he wanted was his truck.
     30 days passed and he had not come to pick up his stuff. The truck was titled in my name so I had a junk yard come and pick it up. My porch now holds their belongings they left behind. I am slowly throwing them in the trash, as there is space every week. I don't feel bad about it. They had a month after they were escorted off the property to arrange for a time to pick up their stuff with a police escort.
     I also had filed criminal charges against my dad at the lawyer's suggestion. Two counts of assault on a child under 12 are the charges. A court date was made. I showed up with my son, but he did not. So now, there is a warrant for his arrest for those charges.
     As any narcissist would, he blamed me for every problem he could think of. It was my fault for him choking my son because I was a bad parent. His partner believed the same. She is codependent on him so I don't value her opinion at this point. Not that I value his any more either.
     It's such a shame. I invited them to live with me because I had suffered another seizure, and was not supposed to drive for 6 months. They were living in an extended stay hotel. Their room was so full of junk, you could barely make it to the bed. I was suffering depression too. I spend most days sleeping while my son went to school. I was calling my dad everyday for some months before we decided it would be good for them to move in. They could help me with the bills and have more space, and more time with us. It was good all around.
     I was devastated at the way they behaved and quickly tried to make appointments with my VA mental health team. My son had already been seeing his mental health team, so we increased the number of appointment she had to make sure he knew that behavior was not ok.
     After the protective order was in place, my dad tried to reach me through my friend, who was living with me at the time. He wanted me to send him $300 to his account. Can I say "What the what?" First of all, it is illegal for him to contact me through a third party. Secondly, he had just thrown me under the bus! Thirdly, he honestly believed he was right for choking my son. Can you say "He has some serious mental issues"?

Giving in to Changes

     So far I have stopped taking the following medications:

hydroxyzine - anxiety medication
naproxen- pain reliever
loratadine- allergy medication
methylphenidate- augments my depression medication by helping me to stay awake during the day

     I decided to stop taking these medications after being mindful of how I was feeling, and wondering if I could do without them. I had no adverse reactions in stopping, but I did not do it all on the same day. I stopped taking one at a time to determine if I needed to continue taking the medication. I hope to one day be able to stop :

lisinopril - blood pressure medication
glipizide - blood sugar medication
metformin- diabetes medication

but I will wait until my tests return to within normal ranges and I am told by my doctor that I can stop.

     Other things within my control are drinking Diet Mountain Dew, and vaping my e-cigarette. I wish to stop both, but one at a time. I am almost out of Diet Mountain Dew. I will do my best to not buy any more for as long as I can. I have been without Diet Mountain Dew for several days before, and I was fine. No caffeine headaches or anything. I have tried to quit vaping, and that is not as easy on me. I just bought e-juice, so it will be a couple of weeks before I am completely out. I will do my best to not buy anymore. I really want to improve my singing ability, and I know that vaping affects my singing negatively.
      I would like to incorporate exercise into my routine at least 5 days a week. Nothing extreme as I am over 300lbs. I started with a 15 minute chair yoga from youtube yesterday. I use to go to the VA clinic for a women veteran's yoga group, and we would do seated/chair yoga for an hour. It was always done with the mindset that we are disabled veterans and so it wasn't anything I couldn't do. It will not be easy replacing that routine with youtube videos, but I am going to try. Yoga does make me feel better.
     Walking is also important to me. I have an incline trainer at home that I would like to use on a regular basis. It is easier to walk on it than it is to walk on the street in the neighborhood. I am waiting for my custom shoe insoles to really begin. I don't want to hurt myself trying without the adequate foot support.
     I am taking a course in self-healing, so I am working on my spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical bodies by focusing on empowerment statements, and doing exercises from the class. I would like to begin using my Reiki library again. I have music that is very soothing and relaxing. I carry much of my stress in my body, so it is important to find healthy ways of letting it go. I took a Reiki class, but I feel like I should take one either in person or by live video chat. The organization Reiki for Vets offers a full scholarship for veterans who want to obtain level 1 Reiki certification. I really want to work with them, but they are in South Carolina, and I haven't figured out how I can get there and care for my son and dog at the same time.
      I have a library of books at home that I have not read yet. I would like to read the books that I bought with the intention of reading. I am so far behind. I get so tired just trying to keep up with everyday tasks. It is important for me to raise my energy level in a healthy way, along with stamina and endurance. My weight makes things harder, but not impossible.
     Right now, I am focusing on the course I am taking online with The Shift Network. I have other courses available online that I have paid for also, with Udemy. I also am trying to start my business with doTerra. Those things have been put aside until I finish this course. The next Udemy class I am taking is in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I have already completed the Life Coaching certification course, but I need a refresher, as I have not used the information. Kain Ramsey is an awesome instructor, and I belong to his school named Achology. There is so much that I want to learn and earn my certifications in!
     UPDATE: I did finally copy my "old" music to an empty iTunes library. I figured out how to do it and a couple of days working on it. Now my son and I have the music we want on our iPhones, and it's awesome! Also, now I don't have to worry about getting my hopes up thinking a song is in my library, when the file cannot be found. I love listening to music, especially when driving and walking on the incline trainer. I love singing too. Some of the songs got me through hard times. As I mentioned before, they were with me when I was in Army training and going through some of the hardest days of my life. Not because of the Army, necessarily, but because my now ex-husband was abusive and trying to control me by creating chaos in my life. I was also sleep-deprived. I did not know I had sleep apnea at the time, and would struggle to breathe while trying to sleep. Going to bed after midnight and waking up at 0430 didn't help any either. Music is very important to me.

How Wellness products are helping me in the healing process

     As I have mentioned before, I am a Wellness Advocate with doTerra essential oils. I would like to share with you my experience with their products. My initial package included the following:

doTerra Balance essential oil blend
doTerra Adaptiv essential oil blend
doTerra Slim & Sassy essential oil blend
doTerra Lemon essential oil
fractionated coconut oil (carrier oil)
Volo diffuser
Mito2Max capsules dietary supplement

     I have been having trouble with managing anxiety and stress recently, and wanted to see if the Balance blend would help me in grounding, and the Adaptiv would help me in calming and relaxing my body and mind. In short, they do help me, almost instantly after applying a few drops to my hands and rubbing them together, then breathing in the aroma in deep breaths.
     The Slim & Sassy is to help with my weight management trouble. I am morbidly obese and trying to lose weight. I use a few drops of Slim & Sassy blend in my drinking water and it helps me by reducing my cravings for food. It also helps in my digestive and elimination processes, which I also need help with. It has a very strong peppermint flavor to it, and takes some getting use to, but is worth the effort.
     I bought the Lemon essential oil to diffuse and make my house smell nice. It has a clean, crisp, uplifting aroma.
     The fractionated coconut oil is a carrier oil to be used to blend the essential oils I choose to apply to my skin. I bought it because some oils may cause adverse reactions without diluting first.
     The Volo diffuser is the biggest diffuser doTerra sells. That's why I chose it. Plus I like the marble look. It works fantastically.
      The Mito2Max supplement is also to help with my health and weight loss. It supports natural energy, without the use of caffeine or ephedrine. I'm a caffeine junkie, so this was highly intriguing to me. Is it possible to maintain my energy level through the day without caffeine? I drink sooooo much caffeine! I have used these supplements with success. They do no upset my stomach. I have failed to reduce my caffeine intake, but I am taking fewer daytime naps, and waking up fewer times at night. I contribute this to the use of these products in trying to manage my overall health.
      I would like to add that I have used both the Balance and Adaptiv blends on my 11 year old son. He is hyperactive and these help him to calm down just a bit. He enjoys applying the oils to his skin. He gets excited to use and watch the diffuser work. So, it can be helpful for more than one person in the family!
     doTerra offers a wholesale membership, which I highly recommend, as it saves a lot of money. They also expanded the line to more than just essential oils, so make sure you check it out at my page www.my.doterra.com/demellojennifer .

     If you have nay questions, feel free to contact me! I am here to serve you!

Music files

      I have been meaning to sync my iPhone to iTunes for a very long time. I think it was last year that my Dell laptop died, and I replaced it with the laptop I am using now. I have an external hard drive with most of my files saved to it. It's 4TB, and almost full. Anyway, yesterday my son wanted to access my digital music files. He also has an iPhone, so I wanted to sync his phone to my computer. Well, I ran into a problem. The files listed in my music library "cannot be found." This morning I uninstalled iTunes, updated my computer, moved files directly from the external hard drive to my computer, and am now waiting to see if I can make this work. I am waiting for the music files to "copy." Then I will install the latest version on iTunes, add the files to my iTunes library, and try to sync again. I think some of the problem was that I did not have the files on my computer in one spot. I pulled them directly from my external hard drive, and iTunes didn't like that. I hope my actions resolve the problem with syncing. I miss my "old" music that got me through A.I.T. in the Army.
     My first iPod was a gift. I was at Ft. Sam Houston, TX for "healthcare specialist" training, 68W, commonly known as combat medic. I did not run out and buy electronics as soon as we were allowed, like some of my peers did. I was afraid someone would steal whatever it was I bought. While others had their iPods, laptops, and new cell phones, I had my mp3/cd disc player. I only had one cd. I created it while I was a "holdover" at basic training in Ft. Leonard Wood, MO. I made it at a cd making machine at the PX, and just picked different songs to add to it. Back to medic training. I made a friend who listened to music, and he let me borrow his iPod. It was totally awesome! I couldn't believe so much music could be in my hand, ready to listen to! Well, I accidentally dropped his iPod from my top bunk, and cracked the screen. It was still usable, just not pretty. After explaining what happened, and being so apologetic, he told me to keep it. He wanted a new one anyway! I couldn't believe my good fortune. From that point on, I would listen to my iPod without fail, anytime I was off duty. I love music. I kept that iPod until one day it just died. By then I was hooked to having a large library of music with me wherever I went. I had to replace it somehow. I decided that it was more useful to purchase an iPhone instead. I would get one with more memory than the iPod had, and it would have more features for a little more than the price of a new iPod. I ended up buying an iPhone 4s, and have had an iPhone ever since.
     I wish we could file share like we did with napster and other file sharing programs. It was pretty cool. I'm also sure it was the reason my computer crashed so frequently, but it gave me access to music that I otherwise wouldn't have been able to afford. I love Pandora though. I can stream music when I can't find anything interesting to listen to. I was thinking about getting the apple music service. I have to read what it includes. Do you get to download music to your library? Or is it just another streaming/listening service? I will have to find out.

The Present

      I know yesterday I was trying to introduce my life story, but today I want to think about my present situation. Let's talk about my medical problems. To keep this simple, I will just list them:

major depression with schizoaffective disorder
PTSD
diabetes type 2
high blood pressure
pseudo tumor cerebri
fibromyalgia
PCOS
sleep apnea
history of seizures
chronic acid reflux
morbid obesity
vision requires glasses
iron-deficient anemia
anxiety
allergies
chronic constipation

Ok. So there it is. Why do I share this? I share because I know I am not alone, and I want others to know I am here. I am nowhere near perfection. Life is hard. I have been taking the full dosage of my anxiety medication since before the schools closed due to COVID-19. Yesterday I was able to stop taking them at all. It was a decision I made after feeling "better". I thought I would go without a dose and see how I fared. I take 2 doses, one in the morning and one in the evening. I was perfectly fine without the medication. I am not freaking out anymore. I have adjusted to how our lives have changed and I feel like I am ok. I feared death . I feared being hospitalized due to COVID-19, and leaving my son and dog without a guardian. I am considered high risk for complications due to my diabetes. The fear was immobilizing.
     Today, I have decided to stop taking my daily doses of naproxen. I began taking it because I was suffering lower back pain everyday. A few things contributed: my weight and posture, my shoes, and my feet. I have since gotten diabetic shoes, and am waiting on my custom insoles to correct the difference in my stride. One side is longer than the other, so I am getting a lift for the short side! My feet have plantar fasciitis, and I currently wear Dr.Scholl's inserts for that and it has really helped reduce the number of instances I feel pain in my feet. Then there is my weight, which I have tried to manage using the keto diet. I lost about 10 pounds, then started gaining again, eating the very same things that I lost weight with.  My posture is a reflection of my pain level, fatigue, and self-esteem. My self-esteem wasn't very high due to being in recent abusive relationships.
     Tomorrow, I am considering stopping the use of my allergy medication. I use it daily, and I think I might be able to only use it seasonally, as needed.
     I firmly believe that the fewer medications I use, the better off I am. Using all these medications contributes to my digestive problems and chronic constipation. It also contributes to my brain fog, and sleepiness during the day. I had brain fog before, and I still have it with the use of medications. Sleepiness is a direct result of not getting quality sleep every night. I don't understand why, but I wake up throughout the night, sometimes every hour. Lack of R.E.M. sleep has been shown to cause a number of problems, even in healthy people.
     I recently quit the keto diet. It is not suitable or sustainable for me. I am instead doing a low carb, no sugar, moderate vegetable fat, low animal fat, high protein diet. Let's see how that works. This should help me further reduce my A1C, and hopefully will help me lose weight. One of my health goals is to lower my A1C to a healthy, non-diabetic range.
     Everyday I think about walking. Walking is an exercise I can still do. I have an incline trainer at home, and for whatever reason, I cannot get myself to start the habit of using it daily for at least 30 minutes. One day I will. Hopefully soon. I am not pushing myself hard, because I already have a number of stressors in my life right now, and they take priority.
     I see a psychiatrist and a therapist regularly to manage my mental health. I also try to stay in contact with a few people on a regular basis, some daily, some weekly. I am a member of a number of organizations and groups that assist with the processing of trauma and making connections. Recently, I began using essential oils to aid in my conditions and moods during the day. (just FYI I became a doTerra Wellness Advocate, www.my.doTerra.com/demellojennifer ) I have an alpha-stim that I was using on a daily basis at the height of my anxiety issues. I also try guided meditation and music therapy. At one time I was doing seated Yoga with other women veterans, and it was very helpful.           Right now I am enrolled in a course from The Shift Network named " Become Your Own Medical Intuitive: Energy Medicine to Clear & Balance Your Physical & Spiritual Immune Systems" by Mona Delfino. Today we will be on module 3 of 7. I am learning how to self-heal, and that is empowering. I am hoping that one day I may be able to share what I learned. For now, I am just absorbing as much information as my brain can process. I began my interest in Quantum Healing in my early 20's. Everything is energy.
     I am an electronic cigarette user. I vape all day long, and would like to stop completely. I use e-juice that has 6mg/mL nicotine, so I figure it could be much worse. I was a chain smoker back in the day. I would smoke a whole pack of Newport cigarettes in a day. My anxiety, as I now know it, was out of control at the time, and I did not have have mental health support.
     I also drink Diet Mountain Dew all day long. It's an unhealthy habit. One day I will conquer it, but probably not any time soon.
     I have used illegal drugs in my past. I am completely clean of all illegal drugs now.
     I use to drink wine to help me sleep and decrease my body pain. I no longer drink alcohol. There is nothing wrong with drinking alcohol, but I have committed to not drinking while I am taking the medications I am prescribed.
     So that's a snapshot of my current health conditions, and where I stand in trying to decrease medications, increase physical activity, control my diet, and connect to other people. When was the last time you gave thought to your personal snapshot? Are you working on healing? If so, how?

     I have almost always kept a journal. This is my first blog. I am learning to change and I want to document my growth.
     I was born in Columbus, Georgia.... Ft.Benning, Home of the Infantry, in 1983. My father was an Army soldier. My mother and father are both from outside the country, making me the first generation American born. I have a younger brother, who currently serves in the Army, a younger half-brother, who also serves in the Army, and a younger half-sister. I grew up with my full-blooded younger brother. My parents divorced when I was a young child. It was traumatic. I grew up without my mother. My father raised me and my brother alone until we reached middle school. He would fly off the handle at the slightest infraction. Now, as an adult, I can see that he has at least 2 mental illnesses that were not being treated at the time.
     My father has a lot of emotional trauma and baggage. He was born and raised in Brazil. His childhood was traumatic on a daily basis.
     My mother was born and raised in Canada. I don't know much about her personal history, as she wasn't a participant in my life for a good 10 years at least. I'm not yet 40, so, 10 years is a very long time.
     I was a model student growing up. I was mature for my age. I loved to read. I didn't keep friends for long, for one reason or another. I was lonely. I was too intelligent for the average child my age. Not that this means anything now, but when I was in the third grade, we took the California Achievement Test at the end of the year. Data was collected from third graders across the country. I scored a 99 percentile, meaning I did better than 99% of the third grade population who took the test.
     I was tested once after the scores were returned to us. I had to sit for some sort of intelligence test to see if I would qualify for the Academically Gifted program and/or if I should skip a grade. Due to being hit on the forearms with a men's wide leather belt that was folded over the morning of the test, I failed. I was exhausted and emotional drained. Scared for my life. When the results to that test were returned, I felt like a failure. I knew where I belonged. I was never tested again. I consistently made A/B honor roll, eventually making in to the National Honor Society in high school.
     I spent the majority of my childhood babysitting my brother, Mathew. When he got in trouble, we both were hit with the same leather belt across our bare forearms and hands. I am only 1 year older than he is. I was responsible for my age. I learned to cook and clean at an early age. I also learned to protect my inner thoughts, and keep to myself.
     I spent a lot of time by myself at home after school. My brother would disappear in the neighborhood, playing with is friends. I wasn't interested in doing what they were doing.
     We didn't have much, but we survived. My dad often worked late and we would be home by ourselves. At some point we began the Saturday ritual of going roller skating in the afternoon. I loved skating, and if I were in shape, and a rink was available, I would still go. I looked forward to skating every weekend, and broke down when we couldn't go. That was the part of me that was allowed to be happy and enjoy life. While I would go with my brother, I didn't have to keep my eyes on him. My dad would drop us off for the afternoon session, and therefore, I was essentially free to be a kid for a few hours.
     At about the time we started middle school, my "step-mom" moved in to our house in Spring Lake, NC. Life changed. I was hoping it would be for the better. I was hoping for a mother figure. I wanted guidance, I wanted help understanding the world. Why was I different from everybody else in such a way that I felt the need to socially isolate? She was an awful parent. I dare say I would have been better off without her. She hated me so much, and for what reason, I will never know. I was literally Cinderella. She created long lists of chores to be done by both my brother and myself. She, even then, stayed in the bed all day and all night. She would cook dinner. Not much else to benefit us kids. She hated my brother even more. To be fair, at the time, he was easy to hate. He was always, ALWAYS in trouble, but that's why we needed a loving, caring adult around.
     Before my freshman year of high school was complete, they uprooted us to move to Southern Pines, NC. Life change again. Once I made friends at school, I tried my hardest to find ways to get out of my dad and step-mom's house as much as possible. I had to protect myself from their abuses.
My step-mom was emotionally and psychologically abusive. My dad was controlling and physically violent.
     I managed to graduate high school and I moved to Greensboro to go to UNCG in the fall.
     There are many details I have left out, but this is emotionally draining, and I need a break. That is all for my first day of blogging. Thank you for reading. Please keep me in your prayers.