I have almost always kept a journal. This is my first blog. I am learning to change and I want to document my growth.
I was born in Columbus, Georgia.... Ft.Benning, Home of the Infantry, in 1983. My father was an Army soldier. My mother and father are both from outside the country, making me the first generation American born. I have a younger brother, who currently serves in the Army, a younger half-brother, who also serves in the Army, and a younger half-sister. I grew up with my full-blooded younger brother. My parents divorced when I was a young child. It was traumatic. I grew up without my mother. My father raised me and my brother alone until we reached middle school. He would fly off the handle at the slightest infraction. Now, as an adult, I can see that he has at least 2 mental illnesses that were not being treated at the time.
My father has a lot of emotional trauma and baggage. He was born and raised in Brazil. His childhood was traumatic on a daily basis.
My mother was born and raised in Canada. I don't know much about her personal history, as she wasn't a participant in my life for a good 10 years at least. I'm not yet 40, so, 10 years is a very long time.
I was a model student growing up. I was mature for my age. I loved to read. I didn't keep friends for long, for one reason or another. I was lonely. I was too intelligent for the average child my age. Not that this means anything now, but when I was in the third grade, we took the California Achievement Test at the end of the year. Data was collected from third graders across the country. I scored a 99 percentile, meaning I did better than 99% of the third grade population who took the test.
I was tested once after the scores were returned to us. I had to sit for some sort of intelligence test to see if I would qualify for the Academically Gifted program and/or if I should skip a grade. Due to being hit on the forearms with a men's wide leather belt that was folded over the morning of the test, I failed. I was exhausted and emotional drained. Scared for my life. When the results to that test were returned, I felt like a failure. I knew where I belonged. I was never tested again. I consistently made A/B honor roll, eventually making in to the National Honor Society in high school.
I spent the majority of my childhood babysitting my brother, Mathew. When he got in trouble, we both were hit with the same leather belt across our bare forearms and hands. I am only 1 year older than he is. I was responsible for my age. I learned to cook and clean at an early age. I also learned to protect my inner thoughts, and keep to myself.
I spent a lot of time by myself at home after school. My brother would disappear in the neighborhood, playing with is friends. I wasn't interested in doing what they were doing.
We didn't have much, but we survived. My dad often worked late and we would be home by ourselves. At some point we began the Saturday ritual of going roller skating in the afternoon. I loved skating, and if I were in shape, and a rink was available, I would still go. I looked forward to skating every weekend, and broke down when we couldn't go. That was the part of me that was allowed to be happy and enjoy life. While I would go with my brother, I didn't have to keep my eyes on him. My dad would drop us off for the afternoon session, and therefore, I was essentially free to be a kid for a few hours.
At about the time we started middle school, my "step-mom" moved in to our house in Spring Lake, NC. Life changed. I was hoping it would be for the better. I was hoping for a mother figure. I wanted guidance, I wanted help understanding the world. Why was I different from everybody else in such a way that I felt the need to socially isolate? She was an awful parent. I dare say I would have been better off without her. She hated me so much, and for what reason, I will never know. I was literally Cinderella. She created long lists of chores to be done by both my brother and myself. She, even then, stayed in the bed all day and all night. She would cook dinner. Not much else to benefit us kids. She hated my brother even more. To be fair, at the time, he was easy to hate. He was always, ALWAYS in trouble, but that's why we needed a loving, caring adult around.
Before my freshman year of high school was complete, they uprooted us to move to Southern Pines, NC. Life change again. Once I made friends at school, I tried my hardest to find ways to get out of my dad and step-mom's house as much as possible. I had to protect myself from their abuses.
My step-mom was emotionally and psychologically abusive. My dad was controlling and physically violent.
I managed to graduate high school and I moved to Greensboro to go to UNCG in the fall.
There are many details I have left out, but this is emotionally draining, and I need a break. That is all for my first day of blogging. Thank you for reading. Please keep me in your prayers.
That's a lot to share. I tired trying to keep up. It's great that you're sharing. I could help others share as well. I'd like to share something one day. But today is a great mood day for me and I don't want to ruin it. It's also my birthday.
ReplyDeleteGreat job Jen!
Thank you "unknown" and happy belated birthday!
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