Early morning wake up

     It is now 0341. We are expecting hurricane Idalia to arrive soon, within the next couple of days. I have enough water for each person and dog for 4 days. I am preparing myself for a mandatory evacuation. We have canned foods to last a few days. I am mentally preparing to pack my medications and supplements, along with Caleb's and Nana's. I was able to purchase doggy CBD for both dogs to weather the storm, and CBD for Caleb. I bought a delta-8 blend of gummies for Nana the day before yesterday. It helps with her pain. I am using a disposable vape pen of delta-8 blend that is helping with my pain. Thank God for Zack at Amsterdam Life! He knew exactly what I needed for my circumstances.

    I had some of Caleb's cookies last night, which I am not proud of, but I did enjoy them! Keebler's coconut dreams, and Keebler's Fudge stripe cookies! 

    Ebony came over yesterday to help us clean up. She is such a big help! I either need to get better to be able to clean up more, or need to find a way to continue paying her to come clean. 

    I had my OB/GYN appointment on Monday. We made it there early. I saw the nurse first for intake procedures, and she kindly asked me (after I asked her to chaperone) if I would prefer a female doctor. I said a huge "Yes!" So after doing the intake, she took me to the front to reschedule my appointment. It works better for me to have a female OB/GYN. Besides, I forgot my binder that I created just for this appointment to be able to show my lab work that I have already done. I need to update my medication sheet too.

    I grilled out Shaq burgers Monday for dinner, but I overcooked them. Mine were dry. I want to grill out more burgers, and this time I won't forget my phone! I use a timer to make sure the burgers are not overdone.

    Caleb picked up the yard in preparation for the hurricane. Once I am finished with the grill, it will have to be moved too.

    I am creating a list of things I need to pack in case we need to leave the house for the hurricane. 

    I finally got a response from Spinal Flow Technique about my refund. They are going to process a partial refund for my circumstance, so I am happy with that. 

     I did not do my normal walk on Monday. I was just too tired, even though I got up early. I felt like I couldn't manage the energy it takes for me to walk a mile. I am not just casually walking. I am thinking and feeling each step, correcting my walking behavior. My pelvis and lower back hurt. Walking at a steady pace, one that is both challenging and not too stressful is supposed to help with my Fibromyalgia. I have aquatic therapy on Thursday I think. It might be canceled due to Hurricane Idalia. The auatic therapy hurts alot after I have completed the exercises, and causes a Fibromyalgia flare up that keeps me in bed for several days afterwards. It's a big time investment to get better even a little bit. I lose so much time to Fibromyalgia, and I can't get things done during a flare-up. I am hoping this delta-8 blend will change that for me, reducing the pain and reducing my time in bed. 

    Bella is here with me. I gave her a sample of the doggy CBD last night. She is normally calm when the weather is good, so I did not see a change in her behavior. We gave Bubba a sample too. I don't know what his response was. 

    Caleb is supposed to have a psychiatrist and talk therapy today. It will depend on how the weather is though. I am not driving through a tropical storm or hurricane. 

    I got my laundry started yesterday. It should be done today. Next is Caleb's laundry. Making progress.

    Nana and Caleb cleaned up under the bathroom sink area yesterday. I know she is happy with that now.

    I am waiting to get paid so I can pay my bills. I am really stretching my pennies right now. 

    I have not been able to keep up with the Angel meditations by Melaine Beckler, nor the recording of the live classes from the Vocal Resonance Method. I still have to record the Facilitator live classes and the Business classes. I also have a deadline for recording the Drum and Song Academy classes. 

    So...what am I going to do today? Well, that depends on the weather. I was planning to grill hamburgers later this morning so we would have them already made for dinner even if it rains. Caleb has his 2 appointments today. I think we are all stocked up on what we need for this hurricane. I might go ahead and start packing to leave town. I have to make sure that Caleb completely emptied the van. 

    I still have laundry to wash. I still have a kitchen to clean. I need to find the bags I want to pack in case of a mandatory evacuation. 

    I'm ready to rest now.

    It's going to be a busy day.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

Just because I'm awake

     It is 0533 and I can't sleep. I have been waking up almost every hour. I feel better now than when I originally went to lie down. Yesterday was a busy and productive day. Nana prepared her laundry to be washed, and we started washing her laundry for her. Caleb and I then went to Food Lion for broccoli and cauliflower. We came home, and Caleb brought the groceries inside without a problem. We bought Shaq burgers! I love those burgers so much! 

    I began going through the documents I had all over my table and organizing them. I created a new binder of the medical documents I had so I can bring them into my appointment on Monday to my new OB/GYN through community care. I separated my business receipts and put them in the binder I already had. I have 2 piles left to sort through. One is miscellaneous and the other is stuff about my dad's death and burial. I worked on sorting out these papers for a few hours before having a late lunch. After lunch, I felt like taking a nap, so I went to lie down. Caleb woke me up because we got a package delivered. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up. I went back to organizing my papers for a little bit. Eventually I began preparing the broccoli and cauliflower to be steamed. Caleb baked some potatoes in the oven, and it was really hot in here. I had to take off all my necklaces. I didn't realize how hot I was under them until I removed them. After dinner and before bed, I changed my clothes. I took off my bra, my compression tank top, and my dress and exchanged them for a thin spaghetti tank top. Man did that make a huge difference in how I was feeling! I was tired and fatigued after my nap. I was feeling dehydrated so I waws drinking Gatorade zero, water, almond milk, and diet Mountain Dew. Nothing helped me wake up or feel better. I was feeling kind of sick. All that changed when I ate some of the steamed broccoli. I felt better all of a sudden! It wasn't because my blood glucose was low, because it was high. I guess a a few broccoli florets and a wardrobe change and rest in the air conditioned room was all I needed. I am feeling better now.

    I think today we will continue to work on the laundry. I need to clean up the kitchen. I need to groom Bella. Poor thing is blowing her coat. I have to find the new grooming vacuum I just bought. That's probably more than enough for one day. Caleb will help me by carrying Bella into the bathtub for me so I can give her a good shower. She is going to get a full spa treatment today. 

    It's Saturday, so I deserve to take things slower. 

    I am angry about this Spinal flow Technique problem I am having. I can't complete the course. The course is 52 weeks long. It was very expensive. I am trying to get a refund, and I am getting nowhere with these people. I have explained that I am a disabled veteran, single mother, and a caretaker of a disabled senior citizen. I told them that I am having trouble buying groceries for my family. What have they done? Nothing! I am so frustrated and angry!

    I got a letter from Child Support Services with an update to my case. It said something like "the state of Arkansas has forwarded the case to their legal department." Based on a previous conversation I had with my social worker, I take this to mean that Jamie McCurry has been found, has not voluntarily submitted his DNA test, and they are going to court order him to take one. Here's hoping this gets resolved quickly.

    As I was going through my medical papers yesterday, I was thinking about how to go forward with my VA claim for aid and attendance. I have some ideas based on my recent medical history. Trying to get help from the VA is like trying to pull teeth!

    I found the article my psychiatrist sent me last year to read about using the light box for my Seasonal Affective Disorder. I get depressed in the months with shorter days more easily and for longer periods of time. I have a medical light box that is supposed to help me. I just have to re-read the article and use it. 

    A Facebook friend who is in the business of selling this device called a iTera was kind enough to send 10 veterans a device for free! I was one of them! It is supposed to helpful with alleviating pain, so let's see!

    I am 2 days into listening to Melanie Beckler's Angel Solution meditations. I had to restart because I don't know where I left off. I like her meditations as I feel connected to them. 

    Chris put together Nana's furniture for us. She now has 2 dressers, a nightstand, and a wheeled bed desk ready to use. Caleb brought the dressers to Nana's room for her. We just have to clear some space and organize some stuff for her to fit the nightstand by her bed, and the desk where she can reach it. Finally! We are making progress!

    I go to see a new community care provider for OB/GYN on Monday. I am going to see the doctor about starting hormone replacement therapy. I don't know what to expect out of this conversation, but I hope it works in my favor. I have all of the symptoms of PCOS except proof of having cysts on my ovaries. 

     Chris put Nana's rollator together for us too. So now she has that to use if she wants. I was reading the VFW magazine and came across a few advertisements that interested me. One is for a walk-in bathtub with jets. The second is for a medical bed for Nana. The third is a lightweight motorized wheelchair for Nana. I am planning on calling to find out about these things hopefully this week. 

    Ebony is coming to help clean on Tuesday. I might have her spend her time working with Nana to get her room just right, and then working with Caleb to get his room just right if there is time. 

    I ordered from Torrid some clothes on sale. I needed more sports bras that fit me, some underwear that breathe, bras to wear under my nicer dresses to wear to church if I ever go... you know, just stuff to make my life easier. I did buy a pair of flare jeans though! They had them in my size and were also on sale! I couldn't believe my luck! I love flare jeans more than any other type of jeans. I bought some nicer dresses to go to church in too, or on a date. LOL It could happen!

    I really wanted these Mary Jane heels they had at Torrid, but I can't walk as well as I use to. I can't wear heels. They were so cute though! They would look really cute with the dresses I bought. I will just be wearing my diabetic walking shoes with my dresses, so I can actually walk!

    Caleb got his hiking boots that I ordered from Zulily the other day. He likes them alot. I thought he would. I bought them as a surprise, so he didn't know about them until he opened the package. 

    It's now 0708. My 0700 alarm already went off. I guess it's time to get things started for the day. I am thinking about getting Caleb up. I don't know though. Maybe I should take my medications and supplements first.

    Speaking of supplements! I got my order of Parabroom in yesterday. It is to get rid of parasites living in our bodies. It is supposed to help with the digestive symptoms everyone in this family has, whether it is constipation or diarrhea, cramping and bloating... the list goes on. I hope this puts an end to our digestive problems.

    I learned that a hard belly is worse than a flabby one because it is due to visceral fat, fat around the organs. I have a hard belly and looked it up. It can lead to all kinds of health problems. I hope I get this ketosis diet under control soon. 

    The sun is rising. Time to get moving and get things done. 

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

Life With Fibromyalgia

     Ever since Thursday I have been in pain. I had my first aquatic therapy appointment Thursday afternoon. While I was in the pool, I was ok until I wasn't. The exercises hurt my lower back, and I had to stop earlier than expected. When I walked out of the pool using the wheelchair access, I moved slowly, holding onto the grab bars. I hurt so badly, and moved so slowly, a stranger asked me if I needed help. She was kind to ask me. I did need help, but didn't want to say it, so I politely said "No thank you." I struggled to walk to the Mazda which was parked next to the handicap parking spot. Caleb did not understand how much pain I was feeling and was asking me why I was walking so slowly. We drove home, and I went right to bed to rest. I did not know that I caused myself a Fibromyalgia flare up.

    I suffered whole body pain and fatigue from Thursday afternoon to Sunday night. I could do nothing except rest in my bed all weekend. The pain was causing inflammation and throbbing throughout my whole body. My medications and supplements did not seem to help me. I had a hard time relaxing because of the pain. I could not take a shower because I was so tired and hurting so much.

    Monday morning comes around, and I wake up at 0530 feeling better. I took my medications and supplements, and let them settle in my stomach before going for my 1 mile walk on my incline trainer. I listened to DJ Tiesto's "All nighter" playlist on iTunes while I walked. The walk seemed to take longer than usual, even though looking at the time I spent walking, it was not true. It just felt like time was moving so slowly while I walked. I was able to step off the incline trainer by myself. Normally, I have Caleb to assist me in stepping down so I don't fall. 

    I took a shower after I cooled off. I take a really hot shower, followed by a cold shower to make sure I feel clean and cool when I get out of the shower. I went and aired out in front of my portable air conditioner like I always do. I have to be sure to get completely dry before putting my clothes on or I will get a yeast rash. I was exhausted by the time I got completely dressed. Caleb has to help me put on my sports bra because it rolls in the back and I can't reach it to pull it down. He also helps me put on my shapewear under-tank top for the same reason. I decided to wear a dress with shorts underneath to prevent chafing. I was so thirsty. I knew I had to re-hydrate. 

    It didn't take long for me to get hungry. I got hungrier than usual. I had to eat 3 hard boiled eggs and alot of of string cheese just to feel ok. Ebony arrived later than expected due to car troubles. She cleaned the living room for us. It always looks so much better after she is done. I am so grateful for her help. 

    I found myself recruiting her to enlist in the Army. I told Nana that dad's spirit was with me. He was always recruiting people to go into the service. I was telling her about all the benefits of serving. Her main thing holding her back is that she is the caretaker of her mother and grandmother. 

    I was not able to clean while she was cleaning. I was too tired and hurting all over again. 

    I took a nap after she was done and Nana's medical providers completed their appointments with her. I was on the fence about going grocery shopping because I got up fatigued and sore, but there were things I needed.

    Caleb and I went to Food Lion and got the groceries I needed. When we came back, I had trouble getting Caleb to unload the Mazda. This is always the case with Caleb. He argues likes it's ok to not do what I am telling him to do. He's so dysfunctional. He doesn't comprehend that groceries need to be brought in the house right after buying them and bringing them home. We had a big fight that ended up in me supervising him at the trunk of the Mazda to make sure everything was cleared out, and no groceries were left behind. This is not normal for a 14 year old boy's behavior, however, Caleb is Autistic with ADHD and ODD. It doesn't make it any easier on me when I need things done and have to argue with him to make things happen.

    Caleb is so different from how I was at his age. I was actively helpful, and did not argue with my dad or stepmom. I kept my areas clean. I washed my own laundry, I washed dishes every night after dinner was done, and I had a list of chores to do every Friday.

    Caleb has trouble completing tasks. He can start something and never finish it. I don't know how to change this. I went to get help from Cross River ABA therapy for Autism, but they have neglected us. So... I don't know what else to do. He needs professional help geared towards having Autism, ADHD, and ODD. I did the best I could. 

    My dad use to say that Caleb needs a good ass beating. This coming from the man who choked him at 10 years old. I grew up with violence in the house and have C-PTSD from it. I decided a long time ago that I could not hit my own child. I am trying to show him how to behave without violence. How can I do that if I am being actively violent towards him when he does something wrong? How can I teach Caleb how to handle his anger, if I am not doing it myself? Keep in mind that I knew Caleb had Autism and ADHD from when he was a toddler, even though he was only diagnosed with Autism last Summer. He was diagnosed with ADHD first when he started going to school, and ODD a few years later when he began to argue and fight about every little thing. 

    I was not taught how to raise my son the way I want to raise him. I am figuring it out as we go. It's the best I can offer. I am a generational trauma transmuter. At least some of the generational trauma stops with me. I am trying more enlightened ways of parenting that do not use physical violence. I only have a limited understanding of what is going on in Caleb's head. He is neurodivergent like me, but different from how I am. He struggles with simple things frequently. When he has a problem, I try to keep that in mind. It's not like he is a neurotypical child with attitude problems that can be beaten out of him. That's not the case at all. His brain is wired differently and he is slow to understand even simple things. He needs help, not a beating. 

    Yesterday 2 Jehovah's Witnesses came to the house to invite us to their church. I might consider going again. I have been once before and don't remember why I felt like "never again." 

    I think it would help Caleb and me to be with others who are looking to God and learning more on a regular basis about the Bible. I just don't know that I can physically make it to the church when the sermons are going. It takes a lot more effort for me to prepare to be in a social setting like that than most people. It's exhausting. I would like to make more friends locally though. 

    It is now 0444. Angel numbers. 

    I had to cancel my pool physical therapy appointments this week due to having a yeast infection that is healing. I don't have any appointments today. Neither does Nana or Caleb. I think I can stay at home today. I have alot to catch up on, because I lost all those days to my flare up. 

    I was supposed to add a mile of walking on the incline trainer this week. I was going to try to walk on Wednesday. I don't know that I will, but I want to. It's the 5th week of walking a mile on Monday mornings this week. I planned on increasing my walking this week.

    I got my weighted hula hoop in the mail. I could try that. I also wanted to use my Power Plate machine at some point. I received my fit tone devices and my vibrosculpt too. So, I have options.

    I don't know what I am going to end up doing today, but hopefully I will get alot done. 

    I have not been able to keep up with my angel meditations lately. I am still trying to record all the Vocal Resonance Method classess for my personal library. I want to be working on the Healing Trauma Program to see if that helps my Fibromyalgia at all. I read somewhere that Fibromyalgia is caused by trauma being stored in the body. I don't disagree. If I could heal from my traumas, I might be able to get healthier in a very tangible way. 

    I have had to put my business tasks aside for now. I am dealing with too much other stuff that I can't focus on that right now. 

    If my memory was intact, I could be alot further than I am in my studies. I cannot retain as much as I use to. I just don't remember as much anymore. I easily forget what I am learning. I bought some essential oils that have been proven to help brain function. My last MRI showed that my brain is shrinking faster than what is expected for my age. Maybe these essential oils will help. I bought Frankincense to try on my body pain. I forget what the other essential oils are called, but they are linked to longer lifespans too.

    Caleb told me yesterday that he was on the verge of being suicidal. He showed me his wrist where there was a small cut. Caleb has been suicidal before, and was admitted to a hospital. He hated it there, and I don't what else to do. He needs more help than I can give him. You would never know he was feeling that way by the way he acts. He is always joking and playing around. I don't want to lose my only child to suicide. 

    I am trying to support his growth. I am doing what I know to do. I don't know what else to do. 

    I am guided and protected by the Source of all Creation, or as some would call, "God." I am guided and protected by angels including my guardian angel and the Archangels, spirit guides, ancestors, and ascended masters including Yeshua, Mary Magdalene, Mother Mary, and Sarah. 

    I am not alone. Ever. No matter how it may feel at the time. 

    I tune in to these resources and ask for their guidance and protection on a regular basis. 

    I am a pillar of light streaming in all directions. I am a warrior. 

    I am a mother who is always trying to do the best I can for my family. 

    When it is my time to go, I hope I am missed. 

    I miss my dad. I did not always agree with his ways, but at least he gave me someone to talk to on a regular basis. I have Nana now, but I still miss my dad. The only thing that makes his physical absence better is knowing that he is not suffering anymore. 

    My dad's birthday is next month. I might go to see his grave and sit with him for the day. 

    I need to start my day. I am going blank. It is now 0528. I have laundry to do, dishes to wash, cooking to do, organizing my workspace, teaching Caleb... the list goes on. So much to do!

    Keep us in your prayers.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

     

    

Just another day

     Yesterday I had my follow-up mammogram and 2 ultrasounds. Short story: I am ok, and don't have cancer. I came directly home after that appointment, told Nana about it, and went to bed. I was exhausted and in alot of pain. I was having a Fibromyalgia flare-up from Thursday's pool physical therapy session, plus the stress of yesterday's appointment. I slept alot. I needed it. I got up in the afternoon and was able to get some dishes washed, some dishes pre-washed and loaded into the dishwasher, but not enough that I could cook dinner. I had no energy left. I needed to go back to bed, so I did. When I got up, I checked my blood glucose and ketones. My blood glucose has been reading high for the past week, and were even higher yesterday. My ketones were low, at 0.3. I need a 0.5 reading to be in ketosis. I did not cheat on my diet, but other things can impact my readings too. Sleep, emotions and stress, and other things all have a play in it. 

    I met Nick at the pool Thursday for aquatic therapy. I was able to do most of the exercises, but when it started to hurt my lower back, I asked to be done for the day. It was hard to walk out of the pool after that. I had to take really small steps because everything hurt. It did not hurt like that in the pool. I go back to the pool for therapy on Tuesday.

    I am not in so much pain this morning. I will be using the Nervive roll-on that I bought for my lower back pain and pelvic pain today for sure though. It has lidocaine and menthol in it. 

    I have to finish cleaning up the mess in the kitchen. I made a huge mess when I made hamburgers on the stove top without covering them. I forgot that hack to keep the stove from becoming a greasy disaster area. Usually I cook hamburgers on the grill, but it was too hot for me to be outside. We have had alot of heat advisory days lately.

    I am taking today one step at a time. I have alot of things I need to do, but can't do them all in one day. It's Saturday, so a slower pace is ok. I need to work on getting the laundry done. Nana needs me to wash her clothes for her. Bella needs to be groomed. I need a shower. I have to clean the kitchen and cook dinner. 

    My old computer died, so I am using my new computer. I like it so far. 

    Caleb has to mow the grass and weedeat. He also needs to clean out his room, and clean out Bubba's crate. 

    I am feeling ok this morning. I am enjoying the use of my hape'. I still have to prepare my medications and supplements. I came to a conclusion in the night that I should stop taking ketones as a supplement. This is because if I provide my body ketones with a supplement, it will not create the ketones I need to be in ketosis. It's different when the ketones are exogenous versus body-made. I want to be in real ketosis by actions and changes in my body to burn fats. 

  I still have to work on my VA Aid & Attendance claim. That's going to be alot of work to develop it fully. I have to clean my table space where I work. I still have to go through the laundry room and gut it out. I am going to have to help Caleb clean his room at some point. 

    I have to figure out how I am going to be able to afford to buy Caleb a new bed. His bed is trash. 

    I need to review my website and make updates to it. I still haven't created video content for social media or my app that I am creating. I am still recording the Vocal Resonance Method classes for my personal library. I completed the student portion, now I have to record the Facilitator's classes. 

    I was trying to make meditating a daily ritual in the morning. Some mornings are easier than others. I definitely have to wake up earlier than Caleb to be able to concentrate and relax.

    The sun is rising outside. It looks like it will be a sunny day, which is good for my health conditions. 

    Overall this week has been a good week I think. 

    In case anyone is wondering why I blog, it's because I use to wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to sleep. When my dad was alive, I could call him at any time of the day or night. He passed away in December of last year. I still wake up in the middle of the night. Blogging helps me process my thoughts. I am neurodivergent and can't hear myself think alot of the times. Sometimes it's just because I need to get my plans in order. Also, I have C-PTSD which contributes to my memory problems. My seizures don't help my memory either. Anyway, if I type my thoughts here, I can go back and read them later. If I lose my memory, I can refresh my memory by reading my own posts. Sometimes I just need to express myself without the judgment of others. This is my safe space for myself to express myself. Many times it's easier to type what I am thinking than it is to express myself verbally. While I have 40 years of experience with neurotypicals, it doesn't mean that I am willing to continue to mask myself for their good. I am taking off the mask, and expressing all of me. I'm too old and have been through too much to sacrifice my own happiness for people who likely don't even like the real me. I have a number of health problems that get in the way of me finding a life partner. I have no one to talk to about the things going on inside my own head. I am growing and changing and some of my "friends" don't like it. I am trying to meet new people. In the meantime, who do I talk to? My dad is gone forever. I can't keep this stuff inside of me. I begin to stress out and it triggers my health conditions to worsen. So, this is my remedy. 

    My 0700 alarm went off. It's time for me to get my medications and supplements ready. I have to wake Caleb up to mow the grass before it gets too hot outside.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

 

    

Planning

     Yesterday was a productive day. Caleb and I went to the post office, Food Lion,  and to pay the water bill. I cried in Food Lion while shopping. I went down the cookie aisle looking for the sugar-free cookies for some oatmeal raisin sugar-free cookies for Nana, and just started crying. I use to buy this kind of stuff for my dad, and it really hit my heart. I was alone. Caleb was not with me in the store. He waited in the van. I didn't even try to collect myself. I just kept shopping with tears running down my cheeks. 

    I didn't do much after that. The day before yesterday is when I read the decision letter from the VA about my aid & attendance application. It was denied. I had alot of emotions in response from helplessness to anger and rage. I am going to collect the evidence I need to prove my need for aid & attendance and resubmit it as a supplemental claim, adding to what they already have. 

    I was in ketosis Monday and Tuesday, but not Wednesday and I can't figure out what was different. I hope I get back to ketosis today. 

    I start aquatic therapy this afternoon. It's physical therapy in the pool. 

    Things seem a little bit easier without so many appointments this week, but I do have my follow-up mammogram and ultrasound on Friday morning that I am not looking forward to.

    It is now 0540. I have been awake for about an hour. Caleb is up too. 

    I received my school transcript in the mail. I was sad to see the test results because I could have done so much better if I had the help I needed. I was not talking much in my early years, throughout elementary school. I did not know I needed help, but looking back, I can see I would have done much better with help. I am almost certain that I have a language processing disorder. I received my psychological evaluation report from the testing I had last year. 

    I started trying to collect evidence for my VA aid & attendance claim. Going through my information they already have and all this other stuff I have going on, really makes me feel sad and angry. I'm sad because I was just a kid when I needed direction and help communicating. I developed PTSD at an early age. I'm angry because now that I can see how I need help, and am actively asking for it, am not getting it!

    I am almost done recording the videos for the student modules for the Vocal Resonance Method classes. I watch them as I record them, so it's a double win! I need to record the facilitator videos next. 

    I want to write a book once I have all this training behind me. I have Sheila to help me through the book writing process.

    I am still waiting to hear from Dr. Carli about my refund for the Spinal Flow Technique training. I don't know how much longer I will have to wait for an answer.

    I am just trying to stay afloat these days. I am trying to pay down my credit cards and not use them anymore.

    I have alot of work to do to appeal the VA decision. I am not looking forward to it, but I am looking forward to completing the process.

    I told my friend Brenda my exercise end goals are to be able to walk 2 miles a day, 5 days a week, at variable incline, at 2.5-3mph. Right now I am only walking on Monday mornings for 1 mile at 2mph at 0 incline. It's a good start.

    Caleb decided to cook some spam.

    I am trying to figure out what I need to do today. I need to get laundry going. Caleb needs to empty the dishwasher. I need to clean the kitchen. If I can manage it, I need to groom Bella. I like to do an angel meditation to Melanie Beckler's audio in the mornings. I want to record at least one video from my Vocal Resonance Method class. I don't want to be exhausted by the time I get to aquatic therapy. 

    I haven't heard anything about child support this month. I might check in with the social worker.

    I've got to get my meds ready and start the day.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

    

    

Just thinking

     Yesterday was a good day. I woke up around 0400 and stayed up until about 1400. I watched the Lions Gate Portal video by Melanie Beckler, an angel channel. I completely felt different after watching her video, in a good way. I also used the Nervive for my lower back and hip pain. It works! It's lidocaine with menthol. I love menthol topical treatments. I also tried a hemp ointment cream later for my pain too. They both were helpful and led me to having a much better day overall, with less pain. Caleb an dI went to Food Lion to exchange the propane tank and buy a few things. While we were in the checkout aisle, a man came up to me and practically said "I know you from Facebook!" I thought it was cool and wanted to know more about him. He walked away after shaking my hand, and I told him to message me. I went along with my business as usual. Caleb and I got home before it got really hot outside and he unloaded the Mazda for me. I decided to watch one of the Vocal Resonance Method classes so I could record it for my personal library. Once I was done with one class, I was tired. Not to mention that I took my medications at 0430 or so, with a slice of bread like always. I had 3 pieces of string cheese a few hours later, and a couple hours later from that I had 2 hard boiled eggs. For lunch I had a Nathan's Colossal hot dog with a side of broccoli and cauliflower leftovers, and stir fry leftovers. I was just hungry all day long. I was worried about my numbers. I check my glucose and ketones before dinner every day. I am trying to stay in ketosis. So far, I have been in ketosis 5 out of the 6 days of the week starting on Monday, so I am doing really good!

    I needed a nap around 1400, so I went to rest. I needed to recharge because I needed to clean the kitchen up before cooking the chicken thighs for dinner. The chicken thighs turned out delicious as before. I ate mine with leftover broccoli and cauliflower. I really like them together. I am going to make broccoli and cauliflower more often.

    I bought corn on the cob for Caleb and Nana. Nana also had a sweet potato. They don't eat what I eat all the time. I am on a doctor prescribed keto diet. Nana is on a different low-sugar diet, and I try to reduce Caleb's sugar intake as much as possible too. 

    At the end of the day, I thought, "This is what a good day for me looks like." I hope to do a similar line-up today, since it is Sunday and I have no appointments, or need to drive anywhere. I really like Melanie Beckler's videos and audio to start my day off with. I am really trying to catch up on the Vocal Resonance Method training so I can complete my certification.

    I can't wait to have my appointment later this month with the Community Care OB/GYN about my hormone replacement therapy. I hope they decide that I need it, and that it does help me lose weight. 

    As I was watching the Vocal Resonance Method class, I was thinking... How am I showing up in the world versus how do I want to show up in the world? Right now, I am having a lot of difficulties with my health being compromised by the rainy weather and the heat advisory days. My pain can keep me from doing things I need or want a lot. I'm trying not to let it cause my depression to get worse. It's not easy. I am feeling detached and lonely. I am searching for my connection to the Source of All Creation, or as some would call, "God." I have been lonely for a long time, and I mean in years. I have been a single parent since Caleb's conception. All I really want is a life partner to share my life experiences with. I want to be seen and heard everyday.It's hard to find the right person to spend my life with. I am disabled and not everybody understands or has empathy for my disabilities. I don't want to be with someone who makes my conditions worse than they already are. I don't need to be abused. 

    I walk around not thinking about my own worth. I served in the United States Army for 4 years, with most of my time spent in South Korea. I came home with Caleb as a toddler and went right to college. I graduated at UNCW in 2015 with a business administration degree in operations management. I have beared the weight of single parenting for 14 years. I have had little to no support all this time. There has been a lot of legal drama involved within this time. Caleb has special needs, which I have known since he was 2, but it was only last year that he was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. He was already diagnosed with ADHD and ODD at an early age. Getting him through elementary school was no easy feat. Now I have to prepare him for highschool level work and beyond. 

    I feel like a chicken with its head cut off most days, running around to do this and that. Among us 3, we have som many appointments that it can be hard to have a full day at home during the week. I really try to take the weekends at a slower pace so I can rest more as needed. 

    I have to get myself more organized. I go through cycles of collecting documents and filing them, but have to do it every so often to keep up with the piles I create. 

    I am trying to persuade Dr. Carli of the Spinal flow Technique to refund my tuition since I am no longer going to be able to complete training. It's not in their normal policy to give refunds, but I hope they will make an exception for me. The training costs about $11,000.00. I don't need to say it, but that is a lot of money! I thought of it as an investment in my work, but I can't keep up with what I've got going on right now as it is. I can't do more! 

    I am also trying to catch up with the person in charge of my dental consults. I am 6 months overdue for a dental visit. I normally go to Community Care through the VA. I don't know why they haven't scheduled my appointment yet. It's not anything abnormal, just routine maintenance. 

    MENSA sent me a link to get tested for $1 to see if a qualify to join. I got my hopes up thinking that I could find an old test that could be used to prove I belong, but the test I have is not accepted. When I was in 3rd grade, we took the California Achievement Test at the end of the year and my score was 99%, meaning that my score was higher than 99% of the other 3rd grade students in the nation that also took the test. Unfortunately, MENSA does not accept that particular test. I was thinking I might use another test, so I requested my school records.

    Caleb has been up all night. He couldn't sleep. He has been hanging out with Nana. I wonder if he went to bed, because it is awfully quiet now. 

    I got up to exchange my e-cigarette with the one on the charger. I was feeling more awake than sleepy so I stayed up. I am enjoying my hape' now. 

    I thought about writing a book, but I am not ready yet. I have not completed the classes that I wanted to have under my belt before publishing my own book. It is still a dream of mine though. 

    I was featured in the Veteransville Facebook posts last week. The posts are awesome and I shared them every way I could think of. I hope I reach veterans!

    I am going to be starting an MST education group with the VA in October, I think. I was going to try to go to the Yoga group for women, but then I started with physical therapy appointments on the same day and I can't keep up with all that driving in the same day. 

    I want to one day be settled down enough to read the books I have collected. Nana has been watching shows concerning Mary Magdalene. I am very interested in reading about her. I have a whole library of spiritual growth books that I want to read, but never have the energy to keep my eyes open to read by the time I am sitting still. 

    I have music that I want to make too. I have instruments for sound healing that I want to produce audio tracks with. I have crystal singing bowls, a frame medicine drum, and other things that will be fun to get Caleb involved in. I just have to unpack my recording devices and set them up properly and figure out how I want to go about recording. 

    I am exhausted by what is going on in the news. It's draining.

    I am finding myself wanting to chat with friends but not having anyone to chat with lately. Everyone is so busy. I don't fault them for it, but I am lonely.

    I am super-concentrating on staying in ketosis these days. I got my glipizide prescription yesterday and started taking it before dinner last night. 

    I was meditating on some things when I went to bed yesterday: " Source energy flow through me. Heal my wounds. Heal my pain and illnesses. Surround me in divine love. I love my body. I love my womb. I love my ovaries. I love my fallopian tubes. I love my uterus. I love my vagina. I love my clitoris. I love my labia. I love my heart. I love my brain. I love me. Let me feel the love of Source within me and all around me. Let my chakras shine brightly. Let Source energy flow through the top of my head, through my body, to the soles of my feet. Let me connect with Gaia, Mother Earth. Let her energy flow up through the soles of my feet to above my head. Let me connect to Source energy and be healed totally and completely. I love myself. I love my spirit. I love my soul. I love all of my bodies: physical, mental, energetic, subtle, and light bodies. Let me be connected to Source energy and Gaia at all times for the rest of my life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

    Let all of us embrace Source energy and lift our frequencies in Divine Love. 

    When I have a "good" day, I will begin making videos for my app and for my Facebook business page. I can't wait to actually have some of this work done though. I am excited to begin this new journey ahead of me! 

    I need to practice the exercises from the Voice training library so when I meet with Larisa Gosla again, I will have something to report. 

    I am meeting with Jana Carrey, my other mentor, later this month. I need to schedule an appointment with Larisa Gosla too. 

    I am really working hard on paying my debts down. I have put a lot of my resources into training myself to be able to provide services virtually, but I am not attracting customers. I don't know why not. I am going to try to schedule in times where I can complete the classes I have begun first, and then I will try to complete the other less demanding classes that are self-paced that I already paid for. 

    I spend a lot of time in doctor appointments for the 3 of us plus my 2 dogs. I also spend a lot of time grocery shopping, house cleaning, and cooking. All my meals must be made at home to follow my diet, and made with fresh foods. I can't have any sugar at all, and lots of prepared foods are high in carbohydrates and/or sugar. I am doing this diet for my health and well-being. I am investing in my future where maybe I can stress less about my diet, about my weight, and just have fun. 

    I want to work out enough to be able to get stronger and hurt less. Physical therapy at the pool is going to help me get moving more. My appointments for physical therapy are twice a week.  Then I have my appointment with myself to walk on the incline trainer every Monday morning. I am making improvements already. It is less taxing than when I first started. This Monday will be 4 weeks of walking one mile a week. I start physical therapy in the pool on Mathew's birthday, August 17th. That will be for about 15 sessions at 2 sessions a week. I will have a re-evaluation around the 10th session to determine if I need more sessions. 

    I am praying that the VA decides in my favor for the whole amount on the aid & attendance. I am already paying more than $400/month for housecleaning services that I will have to stop if I don't get the aid & attendance soon. I won't be able to afford it anymore. I need the help to keep the house clean. I can't do everything by myself. Even though my house is so small, it's a lot of work that I can't do without feeling a lot of pains. 

    I need the help, and the help costs money that I don't have. I can't work. I am "unemployable." I was trying to do part-time Reiki virtual sessions, but I don't have anyone making appointments. I know I need to make more videos to show who I am to people who do not know me yet. I just haven't been able to do it. 

    Meanwhile, this computer is on its final leg. I have a new computer that I have been meaning to get setup, but haven't yet. I need to transfer my files before this computer dies on me. I don't want to not be able to access my own files. That would not be good. 

    Caleb's behavior has changed for the better. He is cooperating more frequently than he was before. I don't think Cross River therapy cares about us, even though we came to them for help. It's sad. I can't get help when I need it most, then what do I do? I'll tell you what I do. I reach for the Source of All Creation. Our Creator. God. Goddess. The Divine. I can't do this by myself, but I can do it with divine assistance. That is how I got this far already! I could not have done as much as I have done without Divine assistance. I ask angels, archangels, ascended masters, spirit guides, and ancestors, along with Source to guide and protect me every day. Give me the strength and courage I need to be the mother I want to be. Let me break these generational trauma patterns that are within my family to give Caleb a better experience than what I had. Let me provide for all of our needs and wants according to Divine will, for the greatest and highest good of all. So it is!

    I love Caleb. I hope one day he understands what it was like for me to carry his pregnancy to term and care for him alone all his life. He was not planned. I was raped. Baby Caleb was not a rapist's son to me, although that is exactly what he is. He was MY baby. Caleb is my baby, and that is all that mattered to me. I cared for him and gave him the best care I could all his life. We had some traumatic experiences together. It is not easy to let him know why he never had a dad. He wants to know more about his dad, and I don't have the answers because I did not know him well. I met him once. We had alcoholic drinks and he apparently took advantage of me, impregnating me with Caleb. Now he won't even take a DNA test to prove he is not the father. It's like ok, so you aren't the father? Prove it! He is hiding somewhere in Arizona the last time I knew. I am still trying to get a paternity test taken by him. 

    I am wondering if I can be considered for the Autism class action cases for Caleb. I took tylenol on a regular basis for chronic back pain while I was pregnant. I also gave Caleb the baby food they are saying are linked to Autism diagnosis. I tried to file for the Tylenol claim already and the law office that was handling it, couldn't consider me because I was in South Korea at the time. It was a problem of jurisdiction. I am going to challenge that idea, because Yongsan was considered U.S. property at the time. 

    It is now 0452. I have been blogging for more than 2 hours now. 

    I have to think about what I want to do today. I know I want to listen to Melanie Beckler's Lions Gate Portal recordings and I want to watch at least one Vocal Resonance Method class. I want to clean up a little bit around the kitchen and get things where they belong again. I know I am cooking a salmon fillet for dinner tonight. I want to stay in ketosis all day if I can. I want to work on getting the laundry done. I also want to take it easy and rest. I was thinking about going to church this Sunday, but now that I have been awake for so long and looking at the time, I definitely need to rest. I have not looked at this week's calendar. Hopefully I will not be overwhelmed with appointments this week. I know I will have bills to pay. I have meaning to try to new pet grooming tools I bought on Bella and then on Bubba. Caleb is likely going to have to get early and mow the lawn. We already have a heat advisory for this afternoon. Tomorrow Ebony comes and cleans with us. I also have my 1 mile walk on the incline trainer first thing in the morning tomorrow. If I can manage to start my days off with meditations and watch and record at least one class per day, I will be able to record everything I need before it gets removed from the site. Ugh. It's a lot of work. I hope I can mange my pains. Here's to goo drest of the weekend and the beginning to a great week ahead!

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day! 

A Summer Day

     It is now 0206. Yesterday was a busy day for everyone. I woke up to my 0700 alarm and began my day slowly and in dull whole body pain. I took my medications and supplements. I woke Caleb up. Eventually, he made me a coffee. I have my own recipe that begins with a Starbucks mocha ground coffee in a reusable K-cup. Once the coffee is made, I add Hershey's Cocoa Special Dark 100% Cacao, 1 scoop of Happy Mammoth's Gut Repair, and 1 scoop of Everday Doze mushroom coffee. I felt better after drinking that, and have to get back into the habit of drinking it once a day.

    Caleb and I went to Walmart around 1030 or so. I was trying to get the grocery shopping done and back at home before Nana's medical provider arrived and before it got really hot. The day before yesterday, we had a heat advisory of 107 degrees all afternoon. 

    Caleb and I got what we needed. He shops with me. By the time I was done with the self-checkout, I was dripping sweat from my forehead. We made it to the van, and I began to drink one of the Diet citrus Lipton green tea jugs we just bought.

    On the way home, we stopped at Lowe's Foods so I could buy chicken thighs. I made chicken thighs the other day and was really impressed by how much I like how they turned out. I used the skin-on, bone-in thighs. I lightly coated the skin with spray on olive oil and lightly dusted them with garlic salt and a freshly cracked peppercorn medley before I baked them. Yummy!

    While I was at Lowe's Foods, I bought shrimp and salmon on sale. The chicken thighs were on sale too. I saved $56 and some change!

    I made it home after my lunch time alarm went off. I was supposed to make hard boiled eggs for lunch, but I was too hungry by the time we get settled in the house and cooled off in the air conditioning. I ate black forest ham lunchmeat, swiss cheese, and leftover stir-fry from the night before instead. Then I was able to cook the eggs. I didn't realize how hungry I was!

    Nana's providers came and left, and I went to take a nap. I was hot and needed to be in front of the air conditioner in my room. I got up after my 1630 alarm to make dinner went off. I grilled the Shaq burgers that I love so much on the grill! They were delicious!

    I wanted to clean the kitchen but had no spoons left (energy). I decided to take it easy after dinner, and take my medications and supplements and go to bed early. 

    Before I left for Walmart, I woke Nana up to sign a check over for me that was from dad's life insurance. It wasn't much, but I needed to pay some bills, and had no cash. 

    When we got home, it was like pulling teeth to get Caleb to bring in all the groceries because it was hot outside.

    Also, before I went to Walmart, I called Dosher Radiology to schedule my follow-up mammogram. I guess the radiologist wants more images. I will have that appointment soon.

    I haven't heard anything from Cross River ABA therapy for Autism.

    I got a call from the VA with instructions about my physical therapy appointments. I need to make sure that my provider submits notes to the VA for every appointment. I have a total of 15 appointments with this authorization, but they will likely re-assess me at appointment 10 to see if I need more appointments.

    I sent a secure message to my VA dentist to check up on why I haven't been scheduled for dental appointments. I haven't heard anything yet.

    I got a call from my psychiatrist about the MST group I will be joining, and also about the Yoga therapy class available. I can't make it to the Yoga therapy class because I have physical therapy on the same day, Tuesdays, but the other group is virtual, so I might be able to make it. 

    I am on my third day of ketosis and feeling confident about staying in ketosis this time! 

    Tuesday, I had my first physical therapy appointment. It was hot outside. There was a heat advisory of 107 degrees all afternoon. I was glad to get back home.

    Monday, Ebony came over and helped us get more organized. We re-arranged the laundry room temporarily and moved Nana's stuff there so Chris can put together her furniture for us. Nana had 2 appointments. It was busy. I was exhausted by the end of the day.

    Today is Thursday. I hope it is a productive day because I have a lot of work to do. I have to get this kitchen cleaned up so I can cook, and the laundry needs to be going. I am waiting to hear back from the VA about my aid & attendance. I need to clean up my workspace. I have papers piled in piles on the table that I need to sort through. 

    Overall, we are doing ok. I am trying to get Caleb to help around the house more, so I am not so stressed all the time. It will make things easier when we start his homeschooling soon if the house is already tidy. 

    So, now there are 2 lawsuits concerning Autism in kids: 1 with Tylenol and 1 with baby food. I don't know if I will apply for Caleb.

    I missed a few Lion's Gate Portal meetings that I wanted to participate in because I was too tired. They were on 8/8. I am able to watch some of the replays though. 

    I wish there was an easier way to keep my house clean. I feel like I am constantly cleaning and not able to get other things done because of it. I need to record the Vocal Resonance Method classes before I don't have access to them anymore. I want to be able to read my books. I have a library of books in my house that I have not read yet because I am constantly on the go. When I have time to slow down, it is usually to sleep.

    I miss my dad. I could call him now and laugh for hours. I would wake Caleb up with laughing so loud. 

    So, I remembered that I am not eligible for the Yellow Ribbon program at Capella because I am "unemployable." Yeah. So I won't be going back to school.

    I am starting to feel like I know what to do to stay in ketosis now. I am drinking more non-soda, usually gatorade zero, and feeling better. It is so hot that I turn away from drinking diet Mountain Dew. I feel sick when I drink it. My next goal is to stay in ketosis for 4 more days, a total of a week. It gets easier. It didn't help that I was grieving for most of the year.

    I am looking forward to cooler weather but not darker days. 

    Well, I am fresh out of things on my mind! Time for bed! It is now 0315.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

The pain...

     The day before yesterday was a very painful one. It was dark and raining on and off most of the day. Both Dona Sharon and I were feeling the effects of the rain in our bodies as pain. There is no way to explain what it felt like. I was just hurting all over all day long and could not function as normal. I had to stop fighting the urge to force myself to be awake and to try to work under those conditions. I took a long nap in the afternoon. My body needed to rest. My mind needed to rest from fighting myself and my body. I had so much work to do though. Nana's physical therapist came on Friday, which was the day of rain. I was in bed when she came and when she left. I felt guilty for not being awake and attending the appointment in the beginning and in the end like I always do. Ebony, out new house cleaner, came by my request, but I had to tell her that because I could not work with her to get the work done, it was better to wait until the normal appointment on Monday morning. She saw me and could tell I was in bad shape by looking at me that day compared to the other days when she came when I was ok and "normal." I felt bad that I had to cancel at the last minute, but I honestly thought I would feel better after a nap. I did not feel better though. I couldn't even get the laundry started, I was so bad off. 

    Saturday was what I call a "recovery day." It takes a few days for me to recover after a whole day of fibromyalgia flare up pain. I managed to go out to Walmart and shop, get gas, and pick up Caleb's medications at CVS. I had hotdogs cooked in the microwave because I had no energy when it came time for dinner. Thank God for leftovers for nana! I really wanted to work on the laundry room. I fought myself to work, but I just couldn't. I need to re-organize the laundry room and collect the things I am going to donate in the process. I also wanted to clean up the kitchen. I needed to pre-wash the dishes and load them in the dishwasher and get it started, but I couldn't do that either. It was a dark and overcast day. I was lucky to get done what I did get done.

    Today is Sunday. It is now 2332. It was sunnier but with clouds today. I woke up feeling slow and heavier than normal. It took a long time for me to get on track with my normal routines. It was close to 1100 when I finally washed my face and brushed my hair to prepare for the day. I managed to go to Food Lion for a few groceries, but when we got home and went to put away the groceries, I could not find the family pack of chicken thighs! It turns out I left the bag in the store. I was given the pack of chicken thighs that had gone back to the fridge. 

    I baked the chicken thighs for dinner. They turned out good. I also made some zucchini, yellow squash, sweet onions, and baby bella bella mushrooms in the frying pan with olive oil. They were delicious too. I forgot to mention that before I left the house the first time, I did pre-wash the dishes and fully load the dishwasher and start it. Finally! After all these days of wanting to do just that! Ugh! I still have a few big dishes that have to be hand-washed to do, but I ran out of energy to do them today. 

    I started Bella on the PetLab Co. probiotic chews for her yeast problem with her feet. It should show improvement in 3 months of daily use. She loves them, so no worries. 

    I found out that Capella University is a Yellow Ribbon school! I might be able to have my education completely paid for when I go back! I can't go back right away, but I was excited at the though of completing my Master's Degree and possibly my doctorate!

    I start the Spinal Flow Technique training in October, so I can't register for the Fall or Spring semester. I have put a hold on all my classes for now, as I catch up around the house. It is exhausting the amount of work I have to do around here. Caleb is a tornado everywhere he goes. Without the help of ABA therapy, I am left to figure this problem out by myself. I have got to teach him to do better! I have said it a million times. Put your things in your room. Don't throw trash on the floor. Pick up after yourself. If you see something is not right, fix it. Don't leave dishes everywhere. When you are done with the dishes, put them in the sink! Ugh. Parenting is not for the weak.

    It is Sunday, so I had Caleb put the trash and recycling bins out by the road for pickup. The trash was not picked up last week, and I think it was because the bins were not facing the right way for the truck to empty them.   

    Tomorrow Ebony comes to help clean for 4 hours. I am going to use her help to move things around in the laundry room, and move things out of nana's room to make space for Chris to put together her furniture for her. Hopefully that will not take the full 4 hours, but I don't know. 

    Nana has physical therapy tomorrow afternoon, so hopefully we will be done before then.

    I have physical therapy on Tuesday. It will be my first appointment so I think we are just doing intake and orientation.

    I had to cancel my order with Winona for HRT. (hormone replacement therapy) It is too expensive for me to maintain so there is no point in starting. I have an appointment for HRT with the OB/GYN at the end of the month. It will be paid for by the VA. I just got excited to see that I could have the results sooner if I started sooner. I can't afford to ake those payments on a regular basis right now. I need to have a larger income to accommodate the cost. 

    I did buy some things to help me lose weight faster though. i bought some appetite suppressants from amazon.com. I bought a weighted hula hoop to try to get my belly to shrink. I bought a Vibrosculpt device to help too. I need to start using the vibration plate in my exercise routines. I am supposed to walk on the incline trainer tomorrow morning at 0530. It will be my third week of walking a mile. I am just trying to ease into walking a mile at a time on a regular basis because the whole routine takes a lot of time and energy. Not only do I walk, but I have to shower after I walk. Taking a shower isn't easy anymore. It can drain me of all my spoons for the day. Using spoons to measure energy levels is something I learned from the Facebook group I am in for Autistic women.In other words, to walk a mile and shower can rob me of a whole day of productivity, but it is needed to build my strength and endurance.

    I am trying to send the diabetes watch back because even though I calibrated it, it does not read accurately my glucose.  

    I am working on a project to completely re-organize the house and donate all the things we not longer need, so my other projects have had to be put on hold. I need to record the Vocal Rseonance training videos for my library, but have been unable to get it done. I just can't sit still with all this work that needs to be constantly. I really hope I get help soon. I applied for VA aid & attendance and hopefully that will get approved for the full amount. I need help while I train Caleb how to act and homeschool him. I can't be giving every waking moment to cleaning up after him. There is so much other stuff I would rather be doing! I hate it when my house is dirty. It's not safe for me or anybody. No matter how many times I tell Caleb, he doesn't seem to understand that it is a safety issue for me and nana to have things on the floor that don't belong there. It is an uphill battle to get him to fully comprehend that I don't want to tell him everyday to pick up his things and put them away where they belong. 

    I need a clean house before I can homeschool him without distractions. I need a clean space to teach. I need to be able to think about things that are not about cleaning the house. It's affecting my mental health. This battle between us is exhausting. At least he is getting better about helping. He is not arguing every single time I ask him to do something that he caused, like pick up his blankets from the living room floor. 

    We needed ABA services to help train him how to live in my house without the constant arguing or any violence towards me. Without professional help, I am just a disabled veteran single parent trying to make things work with my Autistic/ADHD/ODD son. I was counting on Cross River ABA therapy for Autism to help us in our time of need, but they instead said, "it is not safe" and "it goes against our policy." How the Hell am I supposed to change Caleb's behavior at a professional level without their assistance? I am only human. I can only take so much. I am Autistic too and get overstimulated by some of the exchanges we have. Seriously. To refuse us help is a different level of discrimination and hatred towards the disabled.  

    It is now 0017. I need to clean up my workspace. I have a lot of papers to file or throw away. I had to cancel Caleb's life insurance because I can't afford it right now. I had to cancel a few subscriptions as I am trying to cut back on spending right now. I don't make enough money to pay the bills and at the same time put food on the table. I am in a lot of debt right now. I am trying to get out. I pray that I get aid & attendance from the VA. I really need it. I am paying for Ebony to help me with the house, and that is not cheap. I can't do everything myself. I am not well enough to be able to work all the time, every day. I struggle with just keeping the kitchen clean after Caleb. He knows better, but he doesn't change. Not having any other parenting experience, I am at a loss for what to do about it. 

    I was trying to make myself available to give Reiki treatments remotely and virtually part-time, but I have had no success in getting customers. I am tired of fighting to make this business work. I don't have the spoons to keep up with what I need to do every day to make it successful. I am at a loss for what I am doing wrong. I have a long list of things that I wanted to work on to make things easier for the future. I am still needing to create videos for the app I am creating. I need to make videos for social media too. I have not been having good enough days to create and write out a script or at least some notes on what I want to say on video. I am overwhelmed by the amount of work I need to do to keep my house clean. It should not be this hard. 

    I wanted to get a refund for the Spinal Flow Technique course, but they won't allow it. It was a big investment because at the time I was excited and wanted to learn, and thought I could handle it. Now, I am not so sure. I want to quit. I want to focus on what is in front of me and conquer the trials and tribulations I have to in order to function normally. I don't know how this is going to work out, but I am not losing my investment. I guess I have to take the course in order to make the money back at some point. One day I will have an office for my business to be able to work in person for these types of appointments. I really do want to help people with their healing processes as well as be able to help mine. 

    I did not take the Reiki courses in order to make money. I took them to feel better myself. I use Reiki while I am trying to fall asleep to relieve my pains and relax. I just want to get my life together. It would really help if I had child support. Caleb has grown so much over the years and it is hard to support him on just my disability payments alone. I hope they find Jamie McCurry soon and force him to take a paternity test. He owes me 14 plus years of child support. He owes me time in jail/prison for raping me while I was serving in the Army in South Korea. 

    I text Mathew that I miss him. He did not respond at all.

    I completely forgot to call my Aunt Lisa this weekend because I was recovering from the Fibromyalgia flare up I had on Friday all day. 

    I was happy to see the Shaq burgers available again at Food Lion! They are yummy!

    I am still using the Cliqly system to try to earn some extra money. So far, I am in the hole. I have not earned what I put into the business yet. I am hoping that changes soon. I need some people to sign up, but at this rate, I can't support the business because I feel like it is a scam. It feels like a waste of my time and energy, but I am going to use the emailing credits I have until they are all gone just to try to get my money back.

    I miss my dad. I use to talk to him multiple times throughout the day and night. I could call him whenever I wanted to. He was usually awake at this time. It is now 0053. 

    The Lions Gate Portal is now. It lasts for about a week, I think. I am not sure. I have been following Ms. Beckler, the angel channel in her emails. I have not been doing her meditations that I like so much. I miss doing them. I have not been in the right headspace to meditate, even though I need to. 

    I have a Muse S device to help me with my meditations. I have not unpacked it yet. It is still in the box. I want to begin using it soon. 

    The days are already getting shorter. I have SAD. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) I notice the small changes in the sun's presence. I have a light therapy box for the getting through the winter so I don't get so depressed. It will be harder this year, because my dad died in December last year. I am not looking forward to the holidays without him. He was so funny. He always made me laugh. I miss him so much. 

    I have been trying to meet new people on facebook dating, but I have had very little luck in finding people who aren't obsessed with sex. I have no sex drive, so obviously I am steering clear of them. I have more reasons to stay away from them too. If they are asking me for nudes without even having a conversation with me, I am not interested. I don't want to go down that rabbit hole. I met an online porn star. I was like .... uh... and... no! I am not interested. It is hard to just to find friends. I don't have the time or energy to hang out anywhere and get to know people in person. I am considering going back to church, but I am unsure if I want to sit through the sermon. I guess I could try it again. 

    Pastor Rick was featured in the local newspaper for the home he and a woman have been working on together to provide shelter for the homeless. I was super excited to hear that the house is now ready to use. I wanted to call him and congratulate him, but I haven't yet. He left Ocean View United Methodist Church due to political reasons within the church. I wonder what he is doing now. He was the reason we had a turkey dinner for Thanksgiving for a couple of years. The church sponsored our turkey dinner. I feel like I might to be as welcome to go back to that church now that Pastor Rick is not there. I have been treated badly by people in the congregation before. When my head was shaved and my tattoos on my scalp were visible, I overheard an older woman tell someone (they were in the pew behind me) that "you don't want to be like her!" It really made me upset. That, plus, when I was in the process of figuring out my medications, I went to Sunday service and couldn't stay awake. My medications were strongly influencing me to fall asleep, and it was embarrassing. I was just sooo tired! I stopped going to church after that. 

    Covid-19 hit and church started going virtual more often. I have watched a few sermons here and there, but nothing regularly. I would like the opportunity to meet people in my area. I am a little wary about meeting Christians at church because my beliefs are not solely Christian. My spiritual awareness began with being a Christian, but I have grown a lot outside of Christianity too. I just don't know. 

    I have to be up to walk on the incline trainer at 0530, and it is now 0115. I am not really sleepy. I don't know why not. I need to sleep. It's going to be harder on me in the morning if I don't sleep. 

    I think I have meals planned for the week. I am happy that I was able to afford the groceries. I have to make it from now until about the 15th of the month on what I have. Hopefully that will not be as hard as I am thinking it will be. 

    It's nice to have some quiet time when I am overstimulated by the things going on. Most days Caleb likes to play music, video games, and watch videos and it can get loud. Then we have nana's appointments at the house which can be hard to work around. I'm just trying to take things easily. I need to slow down, but I feel the pressures to constantly be in a hurry. I feel like I don't get things done quickly enough. There is so much to do and so little time to do it. It's overwhelming at times. I get paralyzed by being overwhelmed at times. There is so much chaos around me that I can't function at times. I am learning to be better and do better. It is a learning process. 

    Caleb just woke up and came out to where I am. I thin he just went back to bed too. He just needed a sip of his drink.

    I can't think of anything else to say. I catch what's going with the Trump cases every so often. I hope he doesn't get away with the crimes he committed. According to some of his followers, they will vote for him to be president again even if he is in prison! Ugh! What madness!

    I am finally ready for bed.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!