Just thinking

     Yesterday was a good day. I woke up around 0400 and stayed up until about 1400. I watched the Lions Gate Portal video by Melanie Beckler, an angel channel. I completely felt different after watching her video, in a good way. I also used the Nervive for my lower back and hip pain. It works! It's lidocaine with menthol. I love menthol topical treatments. I also tried a hemp ointment cream later for my pain too. They both were helpful and led me to having a much better day overall, with less pain. Caleb an dI went to Food Lion to exchange the propane tank and buy a few things. While we were in the checkout aisle, a man came up to me and practically said "I know you from Facebook!" I thought it was cool and wanted to know more about him. He walked away after shaking my hand, and I told him to message me. I went along with my business as usual. Caleb and I got home before it got really hot outside and he unloaded the Mazda for me. I decided to watch one of the Vocal Resonance Method classes so I could record it for my personal library. Once I was done with one class, I was tired. Not to mention that I took my medications at 0430 or so, with a slice of bread like always. I had 3 pieces of string cheese a few hours later, and a couple hours later from that I had 2 hard boiled eggs. For lunch I had a Nathan's Colossal hot dog with a side of broccoli and cauliflower leftovers, and stir fry leftovers. I was just hungry all day long. I was worried about my numbers. I check my glucose and ketones before dinner every day. I am trying to stay in ketosis. So far, I have been in ketosis 5 out of the 6 days of the week starting on Monday, so I am doing really good!

    I needed a nap around 1400, so I went to rest. I needed to recharge because I needed to clean the kitchen up before cooking the chicken thighs for dinner. The chicken thighs turned out delicious as before. I ate mine with leftover broccoli and cauliflower. I really like them together. I am going to make broccoli and cauliflower more often.

    I bought corn on the cob for Caleb and Nana. Nana also had a sweet potato. They don't eat what I eat all the time. I am on a doctor prescribed keto diet. Nana is on a different low-sugar diet, and I try to reduce Caleb's sugar intake as much as possible too. 

    At the end of the day, I thought, "This is what a good day for me looks like." I hope to do a similar line-up today, since it is Sunday and I have no appointments, or need to drive anywhere. I really like Melanie Beckler's videos and audio to start my day off with. I am really trying to catch up on the Vocal Resonance Method training so I can complete my certification.

    I can't wait to have my appointment later this month with the Community Care OB/GYN about my hormone replacement therapy. I hope they decide that I need it, and that it does help me lose weight. 

    As I was watching the Vocal Resonance Method class, I was thinking... How am I showing up in the world versus how do I want to show up in the world? Right now, I am having a lot of difficulties with my health being compromised by the rainy weather and the heat advisory days. My pain can keep me from doing things I need or want a lot. I'm trying not to let it cause my depression to get worse. It's not easy. I am feeling detached and lonely. I am searching for my connection to the Source of All Creation, or as some would call, "God." I have been lonely for a long time, and I mean in years. I have been a single parent since Caleb's conception. All I really want is a life partner to share my life experiences with. I want to be seen and heard everyday.It's hard to find the right person to spend my life with. I am disabled and not everybody understands or has empathy for my disabilities. I don't want to be with someone who makes my conditions worse than they already are. I don't need to be abused. 

    I walk around not thinking about my own worth. I served in the United States Army for 4 years, with most of my time spent in South Korea. I came home with Caleb as a toddler and went right to college. I graduated at UNCW in 2015 with a business administration degree in operations management. I have beared the weight of single parenting for 14 years. I have had little to no support all this time. There has been a lot of legal drama involved within this time. Caleb has special needs, which I have known since he was 2, but it was only last year that he was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. He was already diagnosed with ADHD and ODD at an early age. Getting him through elementary school was no easy feat. Now I have to prepare him for highschool level work and beyond. 

    I feel like a chicken with its head cut off most days, running around to do this and that. Among us 3, we have som many appointments that it can be hard to have a full day at home during the week. I really try to take the weekends at a slower pace so I can rest more as needed. 

    I have to get myself more organized. I go through cycles of collecting documents and filing them, but have to do it every so often to keep up with the piles I create. 

    I am trying to persuade Dr. Carli of the Spinal flow Technique to refund my tuition since I am no longer going to be able to complete training. It's not in their normal policy to give refunds, but I hope they will make an exception for me. The training costs about $11,000.00. I don't need to say it, but that is a lot of money! I thought of it as an investment in my work, but I can't keep up with what I've got going on right now as it is. I can't do more! 

    I am also trying to catch up with the person in charge of my dental consults. I am 6 months overdue for a dental visit. I normally go to Community Care through the VA. I don't know why they haven't scheduled my appointment yet. It's not anything abnormal, just routine maintenance. 

    MENSA sent me a link to get tested for $1 to see if a qualify to join. I got my hopes up thinking that I could find an old test that could be used to prove I belong, but the test I have is not accepted. When I was in 3rd grade, we took the California Achievement Test at the end of the year and my score was 99%, meaning that my score was higher than 99% of the other 3rd grade students in the nation that also took the test. Unfortunately, MENSA does not accept that particular test. I was thinking I might use another test, so I requested my school records.

    Caleb has been up all night. He couldn't sleep. He has been hanging out with Nana. I wonder if he went to bed, because it is awfully quiet now. 

    I got up to exchange my e-cigarette with the one on the charger. I was feeling more awake than sleepy so I stayed up. I am enjoying my hape' now. 

    I thought about writing a book, but I am not ready yet. I have not completed the classes that I wanted to have under my belt before publishing my own book. It is still a dream of mine though. 

    I was featured in the Veteransville Facebook posts last week. The posts are awesome and I shared them every way I could think of. I hope I reach veterans!

    I am going to be starting an MST education group with the VA in October, I think. I was going to try to go to the Yoga group for women, but then I started with physical therapy appointments on the same day and I can't keep up with all that driving in the same day. 

    I want to one day be settled down enough to read the books I have collected. Nana has been watching shows concerning Mary Magdalene. I am very interested in reading about her. I have a whole library of spiritual growth books that I want to read, but never have the energy to keep my eyes open to read by the time I am sitting still. 

    I have music that I want to make too. I have instruments for sound healing that I want to produce audio tracks with. I have crystal singing bowls, a frame medicine drum, and other things that will be fun to get Caleb involved in. I just have to unpack my recording devices and set them up properly and figure out how I want to go about recording. 

    I am exhausted by what is going on in the news. It's draining.

    I am finding myself wanting to chat with friends but not having anyone to chat with lately. Everyone is so busy. I don't fault them for it, but I am lonely.

    I am super-concentrating on staying in ketosis these days. I got my glipizide prescription yesterday and started taking it before dinner last night. 

    I was meditating on some things when I went to bed yesterday: " Source energy flow through me. Heal my wounds. Heal my pain and illnesses. Surround me in divine love. I love my body. I love my womb. I love my ovaries. I love my fallopian tubes. I love my uterus. I love my vagina. I love my clitoris. I love my labia. I love my heart. I love my brain. I love me. Let me feel the love of Source within me and all around me. Let my chakras shine brightly. Let Source energy flow through the top of my head, through my body, to the soles of my feet. Let me connect with Gaia, Mother Earth. Let her energy flow up through the soles of my feet to above my head. Let me connect to Source energy and be healed totally and completely. I love myself. I love my spirit. I love my soul. I love all of my bodies: physical, mental, energetic, subtle, and light bodies. Let me be connected to Source energy and Gaia at all times for the rest of my life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

    Let all of us embrace Source energy and lift our frequencies in Divine Love. 

    When I have a "good" day, I will begin making videos for my app and for my Facebook business page. I can't wait to actually have some of this work done though. I am excited to begin this new journey ahead of me! 

    I need to practice the exercises from the Voice training library so when I meet with Larisa Gosla again, I will have something to report. 

    I am meeting with Jana Carrey, my other mentor, later this month. I need to schedule an appointment with Larisa Gosla too. 

    I am really working hard on paying my debts down. I have put a lot of my resources into training myself to be able to provide services virtually, but I am not attracting customers. I don't know why not. I am going to try to schedule in times where I can complete the classes I have begun first, and then I will try to complete the other less demanding classes that are self-paced that I already paid for. 

    I spend a lot of time in doctor appointments for the 3 of us plus my 2 dogs. I also spend a lot of time grocery shopping, house cleaning, and cooking. All my meals must be made at home to follow my diet, and made with fresh foods. I can't have any sugar at all, and lots of prepared foods are high in carbohydrates and/or sugar. I am doing this diet for my health and well-being. I am investing in my future where maybe I can stress less about my diet, about my weight, and just have fun. 

    I want to work out enough to be able to get stronger and hurt less. Physical therapy at the pool is going to help me get moving more. My appointments for physical therapy are twice a week.  Then I have my appointment with myself to walk on the incline trainer every Monday morning. I am making improvements already. It is less taxing than when I first started. This Monday will be 4 weeks of walking one mile a week. I start physical therapy in the pool on Mathew's birthday, August 17th. That will be for about 15 sessions at 2 sessions a week. I will have a re-evaluation around the 10th session to determine if I need more sessions. 

    I am praying that the VA decides in my favor for the whole amount on the aid & attendance. I am already paying more than $400/month for housecleaning services that I will have to stop if I don't get the aid & attendance soon. I won't be able to afford it anymore. I need the help to keep the house clean. I can't do everything by myself. Even though my house is so small, it's a lot of work that I can't do without feeling a lot of pains. 

    I need the help, and the help costs money that I don't have. I can't work. I am "unemployable." I was trying to do part-time Reiki virtual sessions, but I don't have anyone making appointments. I know I need to make more videos to show who I am to people who do not know me yet. I just haven't been able to do it. 

    Meanwhile, this computer is on its final leg. I have a new computer that I have been meaning to get setup, but haven't yet. I need to transfer my files before this computer dies on me. I don't want to not be able to access my own files. That would not be good. 

    Caleb's behavior has changed for the better. He is cooperating more frequently than he was before. I don't think Cross River therapy cares about us, even though we came to them for help. It's sad. I can't get help when I need it most, then what do I do? I'll tell you what I do. I reach for the Source of All Creation. Our Creator. God. Goddess. The Divine. I can't do this by myself, but I can do it with divine assistance. That is how I got this far already! I could not have done as much as I have done without Divine assistance. I ask angels, archangels, ascended masters, spirit guides, and ancestors, along with Source to guide and protect me every day. Give me the strength and courage I need to be the mother I want to be. Let me break these generational trauma patterns that are within my family to give Caleb a better experience than what I had. Let me provide for all of our needs and wants according to Divine will, for the greatest and highest good of all. So it is!

    I love Caleb. I hope one day he understands what it was like for me to carry his pregnancy to term and care for him alone all his life. He was not planned. I was raped. Baby Caleb was not a rapist's son to me, although that is exactly what he is. He was MY baby. Caleb is my baby, and that is all that mattered to me. I cared for him and gave him the best care I could all his life. We had some traumatic experiences together. It is not easy to let him know why he never had a dad. He wants to know more about his dad, and I don't have the answers because I did not know him well. I met him once. We had alcoholic drinks and he apparently took advantage of me, impregnating me with Caleb. Now he won't even take a DNA test to prove he is not the father. It's like ok, so you aren't the father? Prove it! He is hiding somewhere in Arizona the last time I knew. I am still trying to get a paternity test taken by him. 

    I am wondering if I can be considered for the Autism class action cases for Caleb. I took tylenol on a regular basis for chronic back pain while I was pregnant. I also gave Caleb the baby food they are saying are linked to Autism diagnosis. I tried to file for the Tylenol claim already and the law office that was handling it, couldn't consider me because I was in South Korea at the time. It was a problem of jurisdiction. I am going to challenge that idea, because Yongsan was considered U.S. property at the time. 

    It is now 0452. I have been blogging for more than 2 hours now. 

    I have to think about what I want to do today. I know I want to listen to Melanie Beckler's Lions Gate Portal recordings and I want to watch at least one Vocal Resonance Method class. I want to clean up a little bit around the kitchen and get things where they belong again. I know I am cooking a salmon fillet for dinner tonight. I want to stay in ketosis all day if I can. I want to work on getting the laundry done. I also want to take it easy and rest. I was thinking about going to church this Sunday, but now that I have been awake for so long and looking at the time, I definitely need to rest. I have not looked at this week's calendar. Hopefully I will not be overwhelmed with appointments this week. I know I will have bills to pay. I have meaning to try to new pet grooming tools I bought on Bella and then on Bubba. Caleb is likely going to have to get early and mow the lawn. We already have a heat advisory for this afternoon. Tomorrow Ebony comes and cleans with us. I also have my 1 mile walk on the incline trainer first thing in the morning tomorrow. If I can manage to start my days off with meditations and watch and record at least one class per day, I will be able to record everything I need before it gets removed from the site. Ugh. It's a lot of work. I hope I can mange my pains. Here's to goo drest of the weekend and the beginning to a great week ahead!

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!