Life With Fibromyalgia

     Ever since Thursday I have been in pain. I had my first aquatic therapy appointment Thursday afternoon. While I was in the pool, I was ok until I wasn't. The exercises hurt my lower back, and I had to stop earlier than expected. When I walked out of the pool using the wheelchair access, I moved slowly, holding onto the grab bars. I hurt so badly, and moved so slowly, a stranger asked me if I needed help. She was kind to ask me. I did need help, but didn't want to say it, so I politely said "No thank you." I struggled to walk to the Mazda which was parked next to the handicap parking spot. Caleb did not understand how much pain I was feeling and was asking me why I was walking so slowly. We drove home, and I went right to bed to rest. I did not know that I caused myself a Fibromyalgia flare up.

    I suffered whole body pain and fatigue from Thursday afternoon to Sunday night. I could do nothing except rest in my bed all weekend. The pain was causing inflammation and throbbing throughout my whole body. My medications and supplements did not seem to help me. I had a hard time relaxing because of the pain. I could not take a shower because I was so tired and hurting so much.

    Monday morning comes around, and I wake up at 0530 feeling better. I took my medications and supplements, and let them settle in my stomach before going for my 1 mile walk on my incline trainer. I listened to DJ Tiesto's "All nighter" playlist on iTunes while I walked. The walk seemed to take longer than usual, even though looking at the time I spent walking, it was not true. It just felt like time was moving so slowly while I walked. I was able to step off the incline trainer by myself. Normally, I have Caleb to assist me in stepping down so I don't fall. 

    I took a shower after I cooled off. I take a really hot shower, followed by a cold shower to make sure I feel clean and cool when I get out of the shower. I went and aired out in front of my portable air conditioner like I always do. I have to be sure to get completely dry before putting my clothes on or I will get a yeast rash. I was exhausted by the time I got completely dressed. Caleb has to help me put on my sports bra because it rolls in the back and I can't reach it to pull it down. He also helps me put on my shapewear under-tank top for the same reason. I decided to wear a dress with shorts underneath to prevent chafing. I was so thirsty. I knew I had to re-hydrate. 

    It didn't take long for me to get hungry. I got hungrier than usual. I had to eat 3 hard boiled eggs and alot of of string cheese just to feel ok. Ebony arrived later than expected due to car troubles. She cleaned the living room for us. It always looks so much better after she is done. I am so grateful for her help. 

    I found myself recruiting her to enlist in the Army. I told Nana that dad's spirit was with me. He was always recruiting people to go into the service. I was telling her about all the benefits of serving. Her main thing holding her back is that she is the caretaker of her mother and grandmother. 

    I was not able to clean while she was cleaning. I was too tired and hurting all over again. 

    I took a nap after she was done and Nana's medical providers completed their appointments with her. I was on the fence about going grocery shopping because I got up fatigued and sore, but there were things I needed.

    Caleb and I went to Food Lion and got the groceries I needed. When we came back, I had trouble getting Caleb to unload the Mazda. This is always the case with Caleb. He argues likes it's ok to not do what I am telling him to do. He's so dysfunctional. He doesn't comprehend that groceries need to be brought in the house right after buying them and bringing them home. We had a big fight that ended up in me supervising him at the trunk of the Mazda to make sure everything was cleared out, and no groceries were left behind. This is not normal for a 14 year old boy's behavior, however, Caleb is Autistic with ADHD and ODD. It doesn't make it any easier on me when I need things done and have to argue with him to make things happen.

    Caleb is so different from how I was at his age. I was actively helpful, and did not argue with my dad or stepmom. I kept my areas clean. I washed my own laundry, I washed dishes every night after dinner was done, and I had a list of chores to do every Friday.

    Caleb has trouble completing tasks. He can start something and never finish it. I don't know how to change this. I went to get help from Cross River ABA therapy for Autism, but they have neglected us. So... I don't know what else to do. He needs professional help geared towards having Autism, ADHD, and ODD. I did the best I could. 

    My dad use to say that Caleb needs a good ass beating. This coming from the man who choked him at 10 years old. I grew up with violence in the house and have C-PTSD from it. I decided a long time ago that I could not hit my own child. I am trying to show him how to behave without violence. How can I do that if I am being actively violent towards him when he does something wrong? How can I teach Caleb how to handle his anger, if I am not doing it myself? Keep in mind that I knew Caleb had Autism and ADHD from when he was a toddler, even though he was only diagnosed with Autism last Summer. He was diagnosed with ADHD first when he started going to school, and ODD a few years later when he began to argue and fight about every little thing. 

    I was not taught how to raise my son the way I want to raise him. I am figuring it out as we go. It's the best I can offer. I am a generational trauma transmuter. At least some of the generational trauma stops with me. I am trying more enlightened ways of parenting that do not use physical violence. I only have a limited understanding of what is going on in Caleb's head. He is neurodivergent like me, but different from how I am. He struggles with simple things frequently. When he has a problem, I try to keep that in mind. It's not like he is a neurotypical child with attitude problems that can be beaten out of him. That's not the case at all. His brain is wired differently and he is slow to understand even simple things. He needs help, not a beating. 

    Yesterday 2 Jehovah's Witnesses came to the house to invite us to their church. I might consider going again. I have been once before and don't remember why I felt like "never again." 

    I think it would help Caleb and me to be with others who are looking to God and learning more on a regular basis about the Bible. I just don't know that I can physically make it to the church when the sermons are going. It takes a lot more effort for me to prepare to be in a social setting like that than most people. It's exhausting. I would like to make more friends locally though. 

    It is now 0444. Angel numbers. 

    I had to cancel my pool physical therapy appointments this week due to having a yeast infection that is healing. I don't have any appointments today. Neither does Nana or Caleb. I think I can stay at home today. I have alot to catch up on, because I lost all those days to my flare up. 

    I was supposed to add a mile of walking on the incline trainer this week. I was going to try to walk on Wednesday. I don't know that I will, but I want to. It's the 5th week of walking a mile on Monday mornings this week. I planned on increasing my walking this week.

    I got my weighted hula hoop in the mail. I could try that. I also wanted to use my Power Plate machine at some point. I received my fit tone devices and my vibrosculpt too. So, I have options.

    I don't know what I am going to end up doing today, but hopefully I will get alot done. 

    I have not been able to keep up with my angel meditations lately. I am still trying to record all the Vocal Resonance Method classess for my personal library. I want to be working on the Healing Trauma Program to see if that helps my Fibromyalgia at all. I read somewhere that Fibromyalgia is caused by trauma being stored in the body. I don't disagree. If I could heal from my traumas, I might be able to get healthier in a very tangible way. 

    I have had to put my business tasks aside for now. I am dealing with too much other stuff that I can't focus on that right now. 

    If my memory was intact, I could be alot further than I am in my studies. I cannot retain as much as I use to. I just don't remember as much anymore. I easily forget what I am learning. I bought some essential oils that have been proven to help brain function. My last MRI showed that my brain is shrinking faster than what is expected for my age. Maybe these essential oils will help. I bought Frankincense to try on my body pain. I forget what the other essential oils are called, but they are linked to longer lifespans too.

    Caleb told me yesterday that he was on the verge of being suicidal. He showed me his wrist where there was a small cut. Caleb has been suicidal before, and was admitted to a hospital. He hated it there, and I don't what else to do. He needs more help than I can give him. You would never know he was feeling that way by the way he acts. He is always joking and playing around. I don't want to lose my only child to suicide. 

    I am trying to support his growth. I am doing what I know to do. I don't know what else to do. 

    I am guided and protected by the Source of all Creation, or as some would call, "God." I am guided and protected by angels including my guardian angel and the Archangels, spirit guides, ancestors, and ascended masters including Yeshua, Mary Magdalene, Mother Mary, and Sarah. 

    I am not alone. Ever. No matter how it may feel at the time. 

    I tune in to these resources and ask for their guidance and protection on a regular basis. 

    I am a pillar of light streaming in all directions. I am a warrior. 

    I am a mother who is always trying to do the best I can for my family. 

    When it is my time to go, I hope I am missed. 

    I miss my dad. I did not always agree with his ways, but at least he gave me someone to talk to on a regular basis. I have Nana now, but I still miss my dad. The only thing that makes his physical absence better is knowing that he is not suffering anymore. 

    My dad's birthday is next month. I might go to see his grave and sit with him for the day. 

    I need to start my day. I am going blank. It is now 0528. I have laundry to do, dishes to wash, cooking to do, organizing my workspace, teaching Caleb... the list goes on. So much to do!

    Keep us in your prayers.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!