The pain...

     The day before yesterday was a very painful one. It was dark and raining on and off most of the day. Both Dona Sharon and I were feeling the effects of the rain in our bodies as pain. There is no way to explain what it felt like. I was just hurting all over all day long and could not function as normal. I had to stop fighting the urge to force myself to be awake and to try to work under those conditions. I took a long nap in the afternoon. My body needed to rest. My mind needed to rest from fighting myself and my body. I had so much work to do though. Nana's physical therapist came on Friday, which was the day of rain. I was in bed when she came and when she left. I felt guilty for not being awake and attending the appointment in the beginning and in the end like I always do. Ebony, out new house cleaner, came by my request, but I had to tell her that because I could not work with her to get the work done, it was better to wait until the normal appointment on Monday morning. She saw me and could tell I was in bad shape by looking at me that day compared to the other days when she came when I was ok and "normal." I felt bad that I had to cancel at the last minute, but I honestly thought I would feel better after a nap. I did not feel better though. I couldn't even get the laundry started, I was so bad off. 

    Saturday was what I call a "recovery day." It takes a few days for me to recover after a whole day of fibromyalgia flare up pain. I managed to go out to Walmart and shop, get gas, and pick up Caleb's medications at CVS. I had hotdogs cooked in the microwave because I had no energy when it came time for dinner. Thank God for leftovers for nana! I really wanted to work on the laundry room. I fought myself to work, but I just couldn't. I need to re-organize the laundry room and collect the things I am going to donate in the process. I also wanted to clean up the kitchen. I needed to pre-wash the dishes and load them in the dishwasher and get it started, but I couldn't do that either. It was a dark and overcast day. I was lucky to get done what I did get done.

    Today is Sunday. It is now 2332. It was sunnier but with clouds today. I woke up feeling slow and heavier than normal. It took a long time for me to get on track with my normal routines. It was close to 1100 when I finally washed my face and brushed my hair to prepare for the day. I managed to go to Food Lion for a few groceries, but when we got home and went to put away the groceries, I could not find the family pack of chicken thighs! It turns out I left the bag in the store. I was given the pack of chicken thighs that had gone back to the fridge. 

    I baked the chicken thighs for dinner. They turned out good. I also made some zucchini, yellow squash, sweet onions, and baby bella bella mushrooms in the frying pan with olive oil. They were delicious too. I forgot to mention that before I left the house the first time, I did pre-wash the dishes and fully load the dishwasher and start it. Finally! After all these days of wanting to do just that! Ugh! I still have a few big dishes that have to be hand-washed to do, but I ran out of energy to do them today. 

    I started Bella on the PetLab Co. probiotic chews for her yeast problem with her feet. It should show improvement in 3 months of daily use. She loves them, so no worries. 

    I found out that Capella University is a Yellow Ribbon school! I might be able to have my education completely paid for when I go back! I can't go back right away, but I was excited at the though of completing my Master's Degree and possibly my doctorate!

    I start the Spinal Flow Technique training in October, so I can't register for the Fall or Spring semester. I have put a hold on all my classes for now, as I catch up around the house. It is exhausting the amount of work I have to do around here. Caleb is a tornado everywhere he goes. Without the help of ABA therapy, I am left to figure this problem out by myself. I have got to teach him to do better! I have said it a million times. Put your things in your room. Don't throw trash on the floor. Pick up after yourself. If you see something is not right, fix it. Don't leave dishes everywhere. When you are done with the dishes, put them in the sink! Ugh. Parenting is not for the weak.

    It is Sunday, so I had Caleb put the trash and recycling bins out by the road for pickup. The trash was not picked up last week, and I think it was because the bins were not facing the right way for the truck to empty them.   

    Tomorrow Ebony comes to help clean for 4 hours. I am going to use her help to move things around in the laundry room, and move things out of nana's room to make space for Chris to put together her furniture for her. Hopefully that will not take the full 4 hours, but I don't know. 

    Nana has physical therapy tomorrow afternoon, so hopefully we will be done before then.

    I have physical therapy on Tuesday. It will be my first appointment so I think we are just doing intake and orientation.

    I had to cancel my order with Winona for HRT. (hormone replacement therapy) It is too expensive for me to maintain so there is no point in starting. I have an appointment for HRT with the OB/GYN at the end of the month. It will be paid for by the VA. I just got excited to see that I could have the results sooner if I started sooner. I can't afford to ake those payments on a regular basis right now. I need to have a larger income to accommodate the cost. 

    I did buy some things to help me lose weight faster though. i bought some appetite suppressants from amazon.com. I bought a weighted hula hoop to try to get my belly to shrink. I bought a Vibrosculpt device to help too. I need to start using the vibration plate in my exercise routines. I am supposed to walk on the incline trainer tomorrow morning at 0530. It will be my third week of walking a mile. I am just trying to ease into walking a mile at a time on a regular basis because the whole routine takes a lot of time and energy. Not only do I walk, but I have to shower after I walk. Taking a shower isn't easy anymore. It can drain me of all my spoons for the day. Using spoons to measure energy levels is something I learned from the Facebook group I am in for Autistic women.In other words, to walk a mile and shower can rob me of a whole day of productivity, but it is needed to build my strength and endurance.

    I am trying to send the diabetes watch back because even though I calibrated it, it does not read accurately my glucose.  

    I am working on a project to completely re-organize the house and donate all the things we not longer need, so my other projects have had to be put on hold. I need to record the Vocal Rseonance training videos for my library, but have been unable to get it done. I just can't sit still with all this work that needs to be constantly. I really hope I get help soon. I applied for VA aid & attendance and hopefully that will get approved for the full amount. I need help while I train Caleb how to act and homeschool him. I can't be giving every waking moment to cleaning up after him. There is so much other stuff I would rather be doing! I hate it when my house is dirty. It's not safe for me or anybody. No matter how many times I tell Caleb, he doesn't seem to understand that it is a safety issue for me and nana to have things on the floor that don't belong there. It is an uphill battle to get him to fully comprehend that I don't want to tell him everyday to pick up his things and put them away where they belong. 

    I need a clean house before I can homeschool him without distractions. I need a clean space to teach. I need to be able to think about things that are not about cleaning the house. It's affecting my mental health. This battle between us is exhausting. At least he is getting better about helping. He is not arguing every single time I ask him to do something that he caused, like pick up his blankets from the living room floor. 

    We needed ABA services to help train him how to live in my house without the constant arguing or any violence towards me. Without professional help, I am just a disabled veteran single parent trying to make things work with my Autistic/ADHD/ODD son. I was counting on Cross River ABA therapy for Autism to help us in our time of need, but they instead said, "it is not safe" and "it goes against our policy." How the Hell am I supposed to change Caleb's behavior at a professional level without their assistance? I am only human. I can only take so much. I am Autistic too and get overstimulated by some of the exchanges we have. Seriously. To refuse us help is a different level of discrimination and hatred towards the disabled.  

    It is now 0017. I need to clean up my workspace. I have a lot of papers to file or throw away. I had to cancel Caleb's life insurance because I can't afford it right now. I had to cancel a few subscriptions as I am trying to cut back on spending right now. I don't make enough money to pay the bills and at the same time put food on the table. I am in a lot of debt right now. I am trying to get out. I pray that I get aid & attendance from the VA. I really need it. I am paying for Ebony to help me with the house, and that is not cheap. I can't do everything myself. I am not well enough to be able to work all the time, every day. I struggle with just keeping the kitchen clean after Caleb. He knows better, but he doesn't change. Not having any other parenting experience, I am at a loss for what to do about it. 

    I was trying to make myself available to give Reiki treatments remotely and virtually part-time, but I have had no success in getting customers. I am tired of fighting to make this business work. I don't have the spoons to keep up with what I need to do every day to make it successful. I am at a loss for what I am doing wrong. I have a long list of things that I wanted to work on to make things easier for the future. I am still needing to create videos for the app I am creating. I need to make videos for social media too. I have not been having good enough days to create and write out a script or at least some notes on what I want to say on video. I am overwhelmed by the amount of work I need to do to keep my house clean. It should not be this hard. 

    I wanted to get a refund for the Spinal Flow Technique course, but they won't allow it. It was a big investment because at the time I was excited and wanted to learn, and thought I could handle it. Now, I am not so sure. I want to quit. I want to focus on what is in front of me and conquer the trials and tribulations I have to in order to function normally. I don't know how this is going to work out, but I am not losing my investment. I guess I have to take the course in order to make the money back at some point. One day I will have an office for my business to be able to work in person for these types of appointments. I really do want to help people with their healing processes as well as be able to help mine. 

    I did not take the Reiki courses in order to make money. I took them to feel better myself. I use Reiki while I am trying to fall asleep to relieve my pains and relax. I just want to get my life together. It would really help if I had child support. Caleb has grown so much over the years and it is hard to support him on just my disability payments alone. I hope they find Jamie McCurry soon and force him to take a paternity test. He owes me 14 plus years of child support. He owes me time in jail/prison for raping me while I was serving in the Army in South Korea. 

    I text Mathew that I miss him. He did not respond at all.

    I completely forgot to call my Aunt Lisa this weekend because I was recovering from the Fibromyalgia flare up I had on Friday all day. 

    I was happy to see the Shaq burgers available again at Food Lion! They are yummy!

    I am still using the Cliqly system to try to earn some extra money. So far, I am in the hole. I have not earned what I put into the business yet. I am hoping that changes soon. I need some people to sign up, but at this rate, I can't support the business because I feel like it is a scam. It feels like a waste of my time and energy, but I am going to use the emailing credits I have until they are all gone just to try to get my money back.

    I miss my dad. I use to talk to him multiple times throughout the day and night. I could call him whenever I wanted to. He was usually awake at this time. It is now 0053. 

    The Lions Gate Portal is now. It lasts for about a week, I think. I am not sure. I have been following Ms. Beckler, the angel channel in her emails. I have not been doing her meditations that I like so much. I miss doing them. I have not been in the right headspace to meditate, even though I need to. 

    I have a Muse S device to help me with my meditations. I have not unpacked it yet. It is still in the box. I want to begin using it soon. 

    The days are already getting shorter. I have SAD. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) I notice the small changes in the sun's presence. I have a light therapy box for the getting through the winter so I don't get so depressed. It will be harder this year, because my dad died in December last year. I am not looking forward to the holidays without him. He was so funny. He always made me laugh. I miss him so much. 

    I have been trying to meet new people on facebook dating, but I have had very little luck in finding people who aren't obsessed with sex. I have no sex drive, so obviously I am steering clear of them. I have more reasons to stay away from them too. If they are asking me for nudes without even having a conversation with me, I am not interested. I don't want to go down that rabbit hole. I met an online porn star. I was like .... uh... and... no! I am not interested. It is hard to just to find friends. I don't have the time or energy to hang out anywhere and get to know people in person. I am considering going back to church, but I am unsure if I want to sit through the sermon. I guess I could try it again. 

    Pastor Rick was featured in the local newspaper for the home he and a woman have been working on together to provide shelter for the homeless. I was super excited to hear that the house is now ready to use. I wanted to call him and congratulate him, but I haven't yet. He left Ocean View United Methodist Church due to political reasons within the church. I wonder what he is doing now. He was the reason we had a turkey dinner for Thanksgiving for a couple of years. The church sponsored our turkey dinner. I feel like I might to be as welcome to go back to that church now that Pastor Rick is not there. I have been treated badly by people in the congregation before. When my head was shaved and my tattoos on my scalp were visible, I overheard an older woman tell someone (they were in the pew behind me) that "you don't want to be like her!" It really made me upset. That, plus, when I was in the process of figuring out my medications, I went to Sunday service and couldn't stay awake. My medications were strongly influencing me to fall asleep, and it was embarrassing. I was just sooo tired! I stopped going to church after that. 

    Covid-19 hit and church started going virtual more often. I have watched a few sermons here and there, but nothing regularly. I would like the opportunity to meet people in my area. I am a little wary about meeting Christians at church because my beliefs are not solely Christian. My spiritual awareness began with being a Christian, but I have grown a lot outside of Christianity too. I just don't know. 

    I have to be up to walk on the incline trainer at 0530, and it is now 0115. I am not really sleepy. I don't know why not. I need to sleep. It's going to be harder on me in the morning if I don't sleep. 

    I think I have meals planned for the week. I am happy that I was able to afford the groceries. I have to make it from now until about the 15th of the month on what I have. Hopefully that will not be as hard as I am thinking it will be. 

    It's nice to have some quiet time when I am overstimulated by the things going on. Most days Caleb likes to play music, video games, and watch videos and it can get loud. Then we have nana's appointments at the house which can be hard to work around. I'm just trying to take things easily. I need to slow down, but I feel the pressures to constantly be in a hurry. I feel like I don't get things done quickly enough. There is so much to do and so little time to do it. It's overwhelming at times. I get paralyzed by being overwhelmed at times. There is so much chaos around me that I can't function at times. I am learning to be better and do better. It is a learning process. 

    Caleb just woke up and came out to where I am. I thin he just went back to bed too. He just needed a sip of his drink.

    I can't think of anything else to say. I catch what's going with the Trump cases every so often. I hope he doesn't get away with the crimes he committed. According to some of his followers, they will vote for him to be president again even if he is in prison! Ugh! What madness!

    I am finally ready for bed.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!