Monday morning

     I feel like alot of stuff that is important to me is not getting out of my system. I am signing petitions left and right to fight for what I think is important. I am standing up for women, minorities, veterans, people of color, LGTBQ+, animals and pets, refugees, war victims, single parents, children with special needs, children in general.... you name it!

    I hate Trump with a passion! I fear what may happen under his second presidency. He can't be trusted.

    I am dealing with my own personal wars too. I am fighting the Child Protective Services DSS to keep my son with me. I am trying to explain our combined health conditions and why our house is a disaster. I have had to act out my emotions for them to be noticed. 

    I am waiting for VA to approve my compensation claim so I can be approved for Aid & Attendance.

    I am finally filing for Caleb's Social Security Disability.

    I am not eligible for food stamps but struggle to buy groceries and gas.

    There is a person running for NC Governor who doesn't believe the Holocaust is real.

    I was able to refill the windshield wiper fluid, and check the cabin air filter. The check engine light turned off after I checked the air filter. Nothing was wrong. Maybe it just wasn't closed properly.

    Caleb has been calling me from his school to pick him up because is having crying spells. I have not been picking him up though. He needs to be at school and learn how to manage his emotions. I hope the intensive in-home therapy will help with that.

    I am still grieving the loss of my dad. I cried so hard the other night, it almost physically hurt. I collected myself and went to sit with Nana. I was able to calm down after sitting with her and Bella for awhile.

    I gave a Reiki session on Friday. It was tiring. I know I did well though because of the response I got immediately afterward. I was hoping she would leave feedback on my Facebook business page. I hope to get some customers soon. 

    I was throwing up last week. I did a second dose of hape' and vomited each time, twice, two different days. That is not my normal response to hape'. I don't what I am doing that is causing me to vomit. I am taking some new supplements in order to cleanse my fatty liver. I hope they are working. I started taking Ozempic the Sunday before last and I weighed in at 314 lbs. Yesterday I took my second dose and weighed in at 310.6 lbs! I am so happy to see progress quickly. You have no idea what a relief it is. I tried so hard to be in ketosis, but it is not easy to give up foods I love to eat. Unfortunately it looks like I will have to be on the keto diet forever to manage my diabetes. My last A1c lab came back at 7.9! I don't need insulin, and I want to keep it that way. 

    I had a transition meeting for Caleb at his school on Friday. It went well. I had a meeting with the DSS social worker and Caleb's in-home therapist on Thursday and that went well. 

    Before I gave Reiki to my customer, I gave Reiki to myself as preparation. I need to be giving myself formal Reiki more often. Usually I fall asleep giving myself informal Reiki. It helps me with my pains.

    I have been chatting with Nigel. I miss him. 

    I have been keeping up with Christinia. She hasn't been feeling well for a week already. I pray she recovers quickly. 

    The school year is almost over. Caleb's last day is May 29th. They have end of grade testing coming up soon. Caleb has a dental appointment this Wednesday.

    Nana has an appointment with her primary care today. Caleb has in-home therapy on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon. I have a phone call appointment for Nana's tax resolution on Friday.

    I'm trying to get Caleb up early to do some chores he did not want to do last night. He is tired, but the work has to be done. 

    Mondays are the worst. I hate getting up at 0530 on the weekdays. It's too early for me. I feel so tired the whole day long. I am looking into sugar-free energy drinks on Amazon. I have to quit drinking Diet Mountain Dew because there are all kinds of reports of how bad it is for me. 

    I am trying to go back on the keto diet. Caleb unpacked the waffle maker Saturday and made everybody waffles. I could not resist. It was delicious! I haven't had waffles in ages. Just another thing I have to give up. 

    I have been getting the laundry caught up. I have been able to catch up a bit on the dish washing. I am trying to get where I can steam clean the carpets. I need Caleb's help to get that done. His room needs to be deep cleaned badly. I am trying to declutter and organize as I go along. I am going to give Christinia a lot of stuff that I am not using and have not used in a long time. She is going to come over and pick the stuff up sometime soon so I don't have spend a fortune trying to mail it her

    I am doing the best I can with all that is going on. I just need people I deal with to know that. I have a long list of disabilities that I gave to Mallory, the social worker, to prove my point. I am doing the best I can each and every day. It isn't easy for me to accomplish anything. Everything and everyday is a battle against myself and my disabilities to get things done. How would you feel if people didn't take into consideration that you had a long list of disabilities and expected you to behave "normally?" I mean. I don't just hand out my list of disabilities to just anyone and for no reason. Considering what I face, I am doing well. I am trying to find solutions for my health problems. I am working with my health care teams to make progress. I can only do so much. I can only move so fast. I swear the world is fast-paced and I am in slow motion due to my disabilities. I can't keep up. There is just no way. People have to slow down for me, and have patience, compassion, and empathy. I have to educate people constantly. It's exhausting. 

    Caleb and I have been arguing, but I have been able to stand my ground because I was feeling better. I can't argue with him on days I don't feel well. I don't have the energy or the patience. I keep trying to explain to him that we have cooperate and work as a team. I keep telling him that we are family, I am his mother,  and there is no one who will fight for him as hard as I will. I repeat myself often. He needs that. I explain things to him that don't make sense to him, which would be common sense to someone else who is not Autisitic at his age. It can be exhausting, but I know he needs that because I needed it too. I need people to communicate with me so I understand what is going on. Granted, I am 41 years old now and have a lot of experience as an Autistic female that has gone undiagnosed and without resources my entire life. I don't want that for Caleb. I want him to have all the resources I can get to help him learn and be a successful adult eventually. I am working with his teachers who love Caleb. He is doing ok in school, and that's a big WIN! I am hoping he does not need to go to Summer school for all the absences he has had. I don't want to have to wake up early every morning this Summer. If he does, so be it. I guess I will do what I have to do to make it through. 

    I would like to do a post that focuses on what I experienced during the eclipse this month. I don't have the time to really sit here and detail what happened at the moment. I have to get Caleb ready for school. He never got up when I told him to get up. Now his normal alarm is about to go off and nothing has been done that needed to get done. I will have to do it on my own then. This sucks!

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day!

Sunday morning

      Yesterday was 4/20 and I was in pain so I decided to try the "Motivation" blend of Mellow Fellow's delta-8 vape pens. It helped with the pain, but I was too tired to stay awake. I had to go back to bed. Caleb woke me up several times the night before. There was a thunder storm that was scaring Bella to shaking. I was not well rested when I got up out of bed. I had neck pain from sleeping the wrong way. It hurt just to keep my head up. I tried kratomade too. I also took a delta-8 half gummy. I was desperate to be able to work on my house cleaning. I got none done. I tried to get Caleb to work, but he won't work without my supervision. I spent most of the day resting in bed. 

    I checked my glucose and ketones last night. I was in ketosis! Ketones were at 0.5. I woke up early today. I have already taken my medications and supplements. I even took my Ozempic this morning already! I need a day 1 whole body photo to track my progress. I bought a liver detox supplement this morning because I was reading a lot about them yesterday. I really want to detox what I believe is likely a fatty liver. I believe that plus menopause hormonal imbalances are keeping me heavy despite my attempts to lose weight. I have not been in ketosis lately because I have been taking a break from the strict keto diet. I just wanted to enjoy my food, whatever it was I wanted. It has been so long since I have had orange juice, or any fruits beside blueberries and strawberries. I have not had rice or beans in forever. I have not had pasta in the same time. It was nice to just be able to eat normally. I have gained weight from it though. I am going back on the keto diet provided I get to stay with Virta. I need Virta's app to be able to track my numbers. I input my glucose and ketones readings there and it helps me with my routine. I don't know how I will collect my data for Dr. Kent without that app. If the VA does not re-authorize my referral soon enough, I will likely lose my data. I will need to find another app for diabetics trying to maintain ketosis, and I will need to find another way to get my supplies for testing.

    It is now 0729, and Caleb is awake. I took my belly measurement for reference. 149 cm around. I need to create a spreadsheet to track my progress.

    I think we are going to be having thunderstorms all day according to the weather report. Bella is with Nana and has been with her all night. I slept through the storm last night, but Bella was terrified. 

    I am planning on getting laundry going, picking up my room, and hopefully will be able to steam clean the carpet in the hallway and in Caleb's room. Caleb needs to get the trash out of the house. Tomorrow is trash pickup day. I have just done my morning routine by washing my face, brushing my hair, and cleaning myself up. Caleb is making us chicken flavored ramen noodles. I have been looking into keto friendly ramen, but it is so expensive. 

    I am hoping for a better week this week than last week. I feel better today than I did yesterday. 

    I don't think I have many appointments this week. I need to stay at home as much as possible just to reduce gas usage because I don't have a lot of money right now. I haven't planned dinner for this week, and I don't get paid until next week. I will be cooking a chuck roast today hopefully. I like to make a keto Italian seasoned chuck roast with fresh vegetables. I add sweet onions, eggplant (not keto), zucchini, yellow squash, baby bella mushrooms, portabella mushrooms, tri-color bell peppers, and canned fire roasted tomatoes. It is good with parmesan cheese on top!

    It is gray outside this morning. I heard the birds singing this morning. 

    I have got to get a hold of VA Community Care and ask why they are taking months to approve my referral to Virta. My doctor referred me to Virta back in January if I am not mistaken. 

    Nana needs to go to take her fasting labs this week. I have a transition appointment with Caleb's current and future teachers this week to help us move from middle school to high school. Caleb is going to have his in-home therapy this week too. 

    I am trying to figure out how to stretch what I have in my bank account to last until payday. It's likely not going to happen. I have so little. I'm going to try to use the groceries I have before I buy more. I just ate my ramen noodles and am now sweating. It was good. I use to eat ramen nearly every day when I was a kid. 

    I chatted with my mom this morning on facebook messenger. She is trying to watch her macros now. We were chatting about our diets and our goals. I still need to get Caleb to take my photo for record.

    I've got to get Caleb's meds out.

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day! 

A much needed break

     This past weekend I took a much needed stay-cation at home in my own bed with my family. I was able to rest like I needed since there were no appointments. The keto chili was already made and in the fridge. I did not have to cook. Caleb made us grilled cheese sandwiches that were delicious! I really spent most of the weekend in my bed trying to sleep. I kept waking up at night to use the bathroom, get a drink, or get a snack. My diabetes is driving me nuts. 

    I have been awake since about 0400 this morning. It is now 0500 and almost time to wake Caleb up for school. He was complaining of problems with his ears last night to which I gave him acetaminophen for. I might have to take him to the doctor's office if it continues. I don't know what I have going on today. I am supposed to be getting paid. So I will need to pay the bills. I always go to the Town Hall to pay the water bill. I need to look at my spreadsheet to see what else needs to be paid still. I need some groceries. I don't have meals to cook. 

    I know I have lots of laundry that did not get washed this weekend, I have a dishwasher to run too. I am not so exhausted feeling this morning, so that is good. These waves of energy passing through me have been unexpected. We had Easter, Spring Break, stomach flu, solar eclipse, and my birthday practically one after the other! That's a lot to deal with under the pressures of 2 different social workers to get my house cleaned or else we are going to court! I couldn't work under those conditions. I don't know anyone who could. I was just trying to survive and provide for my loved ones. 

      Well , I started blogging a few days ago, and then left and never came back to finish!

    Today is Friday. I was woken up by Caleb because Bubba had diarrhea in his room. It is now 0322. We have been awake for about an hour or so. He is now sleeping in the living room. 

    Yesterday was difficult. I could not get out of bed on time and decided to stay in bed. I did not sleep well. I had Bubba and Caleb sleeping in my bed. Bubba was giving off a lot of heat and making me hot. I could not breathe. I had my CPAP on, but it was not getting me enough Oxygen to comfortably sleep. I was even trying to get enough air by breathing through my mouth. I just could not sleep. I got up around 0830 or so. I needed to take a shower. Caleb stayed home because I did not get up. He did not get up either. I knew Lakita was supposed to come over around 1400 to get me to sign a paper, and Caleb's new in-home therapist was coming over around 1600. The house was a mess. Caleb began cleaning up the living room. It took me a long time to get moving. I had to take all my morning medications and supplements, and then give Caleb his meds. I was so tired all day yesterday. I managed to get some dishes washed, and began cleaning up around the kitchen. I had Caleb take out the kitchen trash and the bag of trash around my chair. I collected the Dew boxes and empty gallon water bottles to be recycled. I tried to clear the kitchen floor by sweeping it up into a pile for easier cleanup. The pile is still there. I managed to put together a dinner that Nana bought for us. It was an easy microwave dinner made up of refrigerated rotisserie chicken chunks, black beans, Spanish rice, avocado chunks, on keto-friendly tortillas. Yummy!

    Lakita did not come to the house because another family was having a crisis. Ashley came to the house and we answered the questions she had. That appointment did not take long. 

    Wednesday morning was Hell. I had a fasting lab I was preparing for, and was struggling. I needed to take a shower, but couldn't. I don't know why. I needed to drive all the way to Wilmington to have my labs done, and I was hungry so I just left the house as I was to go get them done. I was dirty and probably smelling bad from sweating. I got my blood drawn after a few bad attempts, and went to the car and ate my doughnuts I packed with me. I drove home without stopping at a fast food restaurant for food. It wasn't easy because I was still sooo hungry and sooo thirsty.

    I made it home and needed a nap badly, so I ate Caleb's leftovers from the night before and went to rest. Tuesday night I made ribeye steak, jumbo shrimp, long grain seasoned rice, and black beans. I figured the steak and shrimp were on sale and I could count it towards my birthday celebration. It was delicious!

    Wednesday night I made the same dinner as Tuesday night. I did not feel like myself because I went the whole day without all my morning pills. I got the news yesterday about my A1c; it's 7.9. I do not need insulin at this point. I am happy about that! I thought my A1c was going to skyrocket because of all the bad diet decisions I have been making. Thank God it didn't! I got my Ozempic pen in the mail yesterday too. I will start taking it on Sunday morning. It is a once a week shot, so I don't want to forget when I take it. I hope I lose weight using it. I am praying so hard that it works for me. 

    I got my federal and state taxes filed through TurboTax on Monday. I got paid on Monday so I could pay the TurboTax charge. It was almost $200! That came out of our grocery money. 

    I have not been able to create videos for my business yet. I have not been feeling well. I am struggling. I have not even been able to take a shower since last week sometime. What's worse is that I have been sweating a lot.  

    Today I have to drive to Wilmington again for a dental appointment regarding my tooth pain in the tooth that had a root canal. I can't wait to be back home already. I have got to get myself a shower before I go. I will feel so much better after a nice hot shower with an ice cold rinse. 

    I could be sleeping right now. Caleb woke me up and was so hyper because Bubba had diarrhea in his room. It's almost 0400 now. Wakeup is at 0530. I may as well just stay up and figure out what to do today besides go to my appointment. I need to to get as much trash out of the house as possible and get Caleb to clear the yard so Jonathan can mow it for us. There is so much junk in the front yard and the back yard. I can't stand it. 

    I can't believe I turned 41! Just wowza! My mom sent my flowers that I continue to smell in the mornings. A beautiful Spring time arrangement in a smiley face pot. I love flowers, but they are expensive. 

    Caleb got his report card the other day. He made mostly A's and B's with only one C. Caleb got his school photos back too! I can't wait to send them to family. I wish I had Mathew's address. I don't know if he moved or not. Caleb went on a field trip and rode a horse! I wish I had a photo of him on the horse. We are gearing up for the end of the school year here. Testing will be here soon. The 8th grade formal is coming up, but Caleb is not interested in going. 

    This weekend we will be catching up on laundry. I have been trying to keep Caleb to keep the laundry going. Most of the dirty laundry is his. He has no clean clothes according to him, He knows how to use the washing machine and dryer, he just doesn't without prompting. I can't keep up on everything all of the time, especially when my health is not cooperating. 

    I think I need to go back on the keto diet with Virta. They are trying to release me back to my primary care because they did not get the renewal authorization from the VA . Dr. Fuchs put in the order earlier this year, so I don't know what the hold up is. I don't want to be released and have to start all over again. 

    It is now 0412. I don't know what to do about Caleb. I don't know if he has dry laundry in the dryer to wear. I'm thinking about waking him up to go check. 

    I know I need a shower. I have been shopping for period and incontinence underwear. I am looking for moisture wicking shorts that are at least 5 inches long that are for leaks for the Summer. I already have a rash on my panty line where my skin is rubbing itself and sweat is collecting.  It's nasty feeling. I don't like it, and I can't take more showers than I already am. I struggle with my energy levels so bad that I can only take a shower on a day I have no appointments usually so I don't burn out. 

    I guess I could get my pills ready to take. I am really thirsty and just drank a lot of water and gatorade zero. 

    I tried to comb my hair yesterday after having it in 2 braids for more than a few days and had so many tangles and knots in it. It hurt so bad to try to pick the knots out, even with hair conditioning spray that moisture. The wetness usually makes combing and brushing easier. I combed out so many knots and pulled so much hair from my comb. I could have created a small puppy with all the hair I took out of my comb! I ended up pulling it back into a bun for safe keeping. Hopefully I can wash my hair easily since I did not use the hair grease that I like to use when I put my hair up. 

    My room looks like a disaster struck. I can't wait to be able to spend time on cleaning it. It really affects how I feel. I feel so much better when things are picked up and put away properly. Caleb's room stinks again. I cannot get this boy to follow my rules for anything. Like how hard is it to not leave dirty clothes on the floor? Or not leave Bubba unattended in his room? Simple things that I did without prompting when I was his age. I never had a dirty room when I was 15 years old. By that age I had already been doing the family's laundry for years. I had already been washing dishes and preparing food for years for the family too. I was relieved of some of my duties when Nana came into the picture. She took over washing her own laundry with dad's laundry, so I only had to wash my own. When we moved from Spring Lake to the house in Southern Pines, we moved to a house with a dishwasher. I learned quickly that dishes need to be pre-washed before using the dishwasher, but it still made things that much easier on me. I no longer made meals for the family when Nana moved in. She took over that.I would help her, and try to learn to cook by being around, but it was no longer solely my responsibility. When Nana moved in, it was easier to just worry about school. We moved at the end of my freshman year in highschool. 

    I reached out to Drill Sergeant Davis the other day when I saw that he was online on Facebook messenger. He did not respond. I wonder why not? 

    I searched for Emily Deese and Camera Crump. I do not know if that is how you spell Crump's first name. I looked for both of them on Facebook. I went to Medic training with both of them. I wish I could remember the other people I knew back then. I can remember their faces, but not their names. 

    I am getting a lot of political emails these days. I am signing a lot of petitions. Some days I just have to trash the emails because I don't have the energy to do anything about it. 

    I have been trying to keep with Nigel. He works a lot. I have been trying to keep up with Christinia. She thinks she is getting sick again. I miss chatting with her throughout the day. I reached out to Rachel. She has another grandbaby on the way! I am trying to keep with Siaouw, now known as Lella Stevens. She had bariatric surgery not long ago and has trouble even eating a yogurt these days. I just don't want to have to go through that. I need to get my act together so I can lose weight. I want to be able to start walking on my incline trainer again. I need to get well first. I don't have the energy required to keep up with my own house cleaning. I'm exhausted all of the time due to my sensitivities. I have Autism and fibromyalgia. My emotions are huge. I mask less than I use to, but still a lot. I have to fight myself to express myself. It's exhausting. I stay in my head a lot. That is when I can think. I have brain fog a lot. Hape' helps with that. I take so many medications and all of them have side effects. So many side effects that I can't keep up with them. They don't all work well on me, I take supplements to try to make it better, and improve how I feel throughout the day, and be healthier. I am not sure if they even help me, but I feel the difference when I don't take them. Life is harder without taking taking supplements, so I continue to use them. I am now taking delta-8/delt-9/thc gummy as needed to help me get through the days without pain. I was throwing up when I was sick, after using kratomade, so I discontinued it for now. I like the kratomade because it helps my back and pelvis pain, and does not make me tired. I should probably restart taking it now that I am no longer throwing up. 

    The weather has been nice lately. Sunny days, cool mornings, warm afternoons, and plants blooming everywhere! So beautiful where I live! I really don't want to have to move. I have got to figure out a way to pay my bills. I am not getting anywhere with my Reiki business yet. I have not been able to get the reviews I need to have my business show in the search on heal.me. I need to give Nana 2 reiki sessions for her to review each separately. I also need to create some videos to gain interest on Facebook. I am swamped with this house cleaning disaster and it is taking all  my free time, if ever there was such a thing. I am so tired of cleaning Caleb's messes. He is old enough to clean up after himself, but his ADHD gets in the way. He starts tasks and does not complete them all the time. I ask him to take the trash out, and he takes it to the living room instead of taking it outside to the trash bin and putting it in there. Ugh! Parenting is hard because I refuse to hit and/or abuse Caleb in the process. I am attempting to consciously and gently parent him the best way I can using my education and experience to influence me, and getting help from professionals in mental health and trying to keep up with Special needs parenting groups on Facebook. It's a lot to ask of just one person. It's time consuming and exhausting. I love Caleb, and I want him to succeed in life, so I do what I can to make sure he is cared for when I die. 

    I want to try a hypnosis course I purchased from Udemy for gastric bypass hypnosis. I hope it also helps me. I just need to begin the course and stay on track with it. I have not had the time to give to my Yoga for Trauma course like I hoped I would. I have a lot of catching up to do. I am at least 6 weeks behind already. I feel so badly. I was granted a full scholarship for that class, and I have only attended once. I have got to catch up!

    It is now 0455. I am going to go ahead and get my pills together. I will waking Caleb up soon. 

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day!

Recovery

     So it's been a minute since I last wrote anything. It is now 0313 on Wednesday. Last week was tough. I had a stomach flu where I was projectile vomiting. I couldn't hold my pasta salad down. It was gross. I'm so glad that is over. Not only that, but the solar eclipse energy hit me strangely. I just had all this energy all of a sudden that led me to doing the Shakti warrior dance. Caleb saw me doing it and got frightened. I think I put the fear of God in him finally. He has never seen me doing any kind of dancing. I use to dance all the time. I have been so tired, exhausted, depressed, filled with anxiety, and dealing with trauma that I have not been able to to do the things I love to do. I loved to dance when I was younger. I loved to sing too. I managed to sing Staind's "It's always raining in my head," and felt better. I was singing and washing dishes. Lakita came over and helped us clear a path to the front doorway. Caleb and I had the intake virtual appointment for his intensive in-home therapy. We are trying to set his first appointment up. I had the appointment with DSS yesterday. It went well. I managed to stay calm, cool, and collected. I was very emotional the day before with crying and and expressing my concerns that they were going to take Caleb away because they lack empathy for my current situation with my health. It's like I can't communicate to them how my daily life is affected by my health conditions and Caleb's health conditions, and Nana's health conditions. It's not easy living this life. There are so many variables. I never know how I will feel in the future. I can't predict my health. I have been struggling with PTSD, fibromyalgia, Autism, and diabetes with depression and grieving. If you know how to do it better than I am, let me know how. I need help. I can't seem to get the help I need when I need it most.

    Caleb was so scared that he told Nana to call the medics to the house. They arrived and checked my blood sugar and blood pressure for me. I was ok. My sugar was high, but not too high that I had to go to the ER. My blood pressure was high, but it is always high even though I take medications. It was not so high that I needed to the go to ER. Thay saw me resting on my bed. I was ok. I was able to talk. I was a little shaky. I had just processed a lot of me feelings, thoughts, and emotions with that intense dance. I have never practiced that dance. I have never seen that dance before. I guess it just came out of nowhere. It must have been needed at the time. I have only seen a picture of a single position of the Shakti warrior dance. It was awesome to do it though.

    I was doing tapping too. Tapping feels so good when I can tolerate it. Some days I am too sensitive to be able to touch myself at all. I have a lot of chakra blockages. Had. If I could just keep my chakras clear and balanced I might be ok. I feel better when I can talk about things. I like to talk about all sorts of things most of the time. I forget stuff frequently so I need help. I keep a blog to refer to for later reference. If I ever need to refer to my blog, it is there for me. If I have a seizure, or a stroke, and can't remember what happened, I can go back and read my own story. I hope it helps when I need it.

    God willing, I will find a way to prevent and cure diabetes. I am genetically predisposed to get it from both sides of my family. I have diabetes and it is affecting me greatly. I just want to be able to control my body weight, my consumption of goods, and my sleep. I want to be able to spend time on my incline trainer again. I never got to use it the way I intended. I want to catch up on the latest music. I haven't heard the latest music lately. I want to see what people are saying in their lyrics to see where we stand. How far have we come? How far we do we need to go from here? What can I do to help? When can I learn to play guitar? When can I learn to write my own music? I need to learn how to write music first. I don't understand how to write music.

    I want to save the human race. In the back of my mind, I am working on it. How does one survive a nuclear apocalypse? I have been thinking to myself. I am researching in my own time. I wonder why we do not prepare for such things. It's a likely occurrence the way things are going. How many countries have nuclear bombs? And look at what they are doing now. How did they get that technology? Who would give the enemy that kind of power? I just wonder. 

    I am using my hape' and delta-8 gummies as I see fit to help with all my issues. I have chronic pain and depression.It can be hard to think. I need to clear my head of all the stuff that doesn't make a difference in my daily life so I can focus on what's important to me. I feel like I have done this before, and it is likely I have done this infinitely over and over again across multiple timelines. I ask God for favors all the time. I am currently praying that I get approved for my latest VA disability claims, VA pension, and VA aid and attendance, and also child support. I need help buying groceries these days. I do not make enough money anymore. Things have gotten expensive to buy. I made bad decision in refinancing my mortgage. Now my mortgage is expensive because the property taxes and homeowner's insurance have increased dramatically. I might need to move away from here even though I don't really want to. I can't afford to move. I have no savings. I have no credit. I am doing the best I can every day. 

    I have so much work to get done. I feel like the solar eclipse did a number on me. There is another one in October. I also feel like I have experienced this before in this lifetime, but I can't remember if that is true or not. I look to Caleb. His reaction is new, therefor it has not happened before in this lifetime. I look to Nana. Her reaction is clearly understood. She gets me. She is praying the rosary. 

    I need to put the next solar eclipse on my calendar to be able to set time aside for myself to heal. 

    It is already 0413. Wow. 

    I am likely going to be tired later today. At least I was able to take a shower yesterday. It felt good to wash up and put on some clean clothes. I forgot to put my shorts on under my dress. I'm so stressed out that I am forgetting to do things that use to be routine. I might need to go back to last year's solar eclipse dates and see if I have experienced this before. 

    I am going to make some keto chili tonight. I hope. I have the ingredients. I just need to clean the kitchen up before I start cooking. I don't know if I will have the energy. I hope I do. I would really like chili tonight with jalapenos, sour cream, and cheddar cheese. Yummy! Spicy! 

    I have been so incredibly thirsty lately. And hungry. It's like I just can't get enough. I need to slow down some though. I have a lot of information coming through and I just need to remain calm and breathe so I don't have a panic attack. I need to find my calmigo and begin using it instead of using my vape so frequently. Caleb made a Christmas-scented essential oil blend that I absolutely love! It should be used as air freshener everywhere! LOL Especially in the bathroom. I have to make more of this stuff. Cloves and cinnamon. 

    Caleb is doing well in school. I worry about him and he worries about me. He doesn't like for me to drive to Wilmington for my doctor's appointments by myself. He worries that I will have a seizure and then what? I need a diabetic bracelet. If I need help in the future, I need EMS to know I am diabetic right away. 

    How does curiosity work? If God has no ears, how does he hear? When I pray, am I getting through? I miss rollerskating. I loved it  so much, but they closed the Wilmington skating rink some years ago. I wish they re-open it. I wish I had somewhere to go that was wholesome, with loud music, pretty lights, a ellipse... is that even the right word? I miss going to the skating rink with Mathew when I was younger. I wonder how he is doing now. I am guessing someone would let me know if he died. I am not sure. I hope he is alive and well. I hope his kids are ok too. And Nichole. I hope wherever they are, they are safe and protected. 

    You know why I love Oak Island, NC? I love the parades, the free concerts, the convenience, the beaches... and the people. I love it here more than I liked Wilmington. When I lived in Wilmington I heard the aircraft every day, I heard sirens a lot, and the traffic was horrible. It got to be too much stimulation. I was scared a lot. I didn't want planes to crash in the city. I always wondered what the sirens were about. Was everybody ok? Did the person survive if it was an EMS emergency? My mind just would not let those thoughts go. I keep telling Nana how 9/11 affected me. Not that I am completely aware... I am just trying to figure it out. I'm a little slow seeing as it's been more than 20 years. I think I had PTSD before 9/11, but that made it so much worse. I was paranoid everywhere I went after that. All these what-if statements came through to me. 

    I got good news at the eye doctor's. I don't need new glasses! Yay! I just spent $1400 on 2 pairs of glasses because they are Progressives and Transitions. I don't have the money to buy new glasses. I have to purchase them outside of the VA because I need Transitions and Progressives, and they won't cover those type of glasses. 

    My psychiatrist won't refer me to her team for regular therapy because she does not believe that I will keep my appointments. It sucks. I need therapy for free. I can't afford another bill. I don't have any savings at all. 

    I have to schedule my MRI appointment. I need to do that today. I need to call and get Nana's debit card too. I also need to schedule her doctor's appointments. 

    I think about all the conversations I could have had, but never had. Should have had, but didn't have. It can be hurtful. I miss my dad. 

    What everyone studied martial arts? How many Masters would there be? How many degrees would be needed for ultimate ascension? I wish I had studied. 

    I've been trying to do too much for one disabled person at a time when things are harder than I can handle some days. 

    Have you ever thought about how many parallel universes there are? How many times would it repeat? What about the non-parallel universes? What about the multiverses? How many of them are there? Just wondering. 

    Why did curiosity kill the cat? 

    I miss dad's jokes. 

    Man, I feel better all of a sudden. I am using LUV Flow drops in addition to the hape' and delta-8 gummy.

    It is now 0456. I have just been sitting here listening to my own thoughts. 

    I wish I could offer my services for free, but I need to put food on the table too. Life is expensive here on this timeline. I wonder how it might be different on a different timeline and think to myself, how could we make this better?

    You know, Caleb asks a lot of questions to which I don't have the answers. Thank God for modern-day technology! I can tell him to "look it up on Google", and he pulls out his phone and Google searches for the answers. Makes life a lot easier for me. I don't remember half of what I learned thus far. I went through all that schooling, only to forget it. It affects my decision-making because I am educated, but what am I forgetting? Am I forgetting anything? I don't remember. 

    I just want to experience the life experience to the best of my current ability and be in love, get re-married, and live a long life. 

    I use to play card games a lot on the computer. I like solitaire, free cell, and although not a crad game, mah jong. 

    Do I have TBI? What is TBI? How do you get it? Did I hit my head? I was in the Army 4 years. If I hit my head, would I know it? If it was hard enough to pass out, would I recall it? 

    I need Caleb to learn EMS skills so he might be able to save my life or Nana's life. I need Caleb to get ready to drive. I might have to get the Volvo back from Christinia so he can drive that around instead of the Mazda.

    I haven't been checking my numbers lately. I started again 2 days ago. I have my appointment with Dr. Kent tomorrow. 

    Can things move at the speed of light? E=MC^2. Energy doesn't have feelings. It must be so much easier to not have feelings. I feel a lot. 

    Broaden your minds.

    Open a book. Travel. Learn. 

    I am considering learning Portuguese. I don't know if I have the time. I never was able to catch up on that Yoga for trauma class. I feel so guilty about that. They gave me a scholarship. A full ride. 

    It's almost time to take Caleb to the bus stop. I better get ready. I still have to get his medications.

    Thank you for reading! Have blessed day! Keep us in your prayers!

Stomach Flu

     I have been AWOL lately because I had the stomach flu. I was projectile vomiting for days and it was a miserable experience that I am glad is over. I feel so much better this morning. Yesterday I started feeling better when I could down my food and drink. I was even able to begin cleaning my kitchen. I was quite a few dishes by hand and began loading the dishwasher too. Dishes are everywhere in here. Caleb just leaves dishes wherever he wants and does not clean any dishes ever. I am losing my patience with this boy. We argued all day yesterday. It's like he just doesn't get how important it is to get this cleaning done. I mean stuff is just piled everywhere in the common areas. I will be happy when we are done and caught up. I hope we can get a lot of the laundry washed too. It is currently piled up in the laundry room. I mean this place is a disaster. I get behind and can never just stay on top of things. I have too many demands at one time. I have so many doctor's appointments that are not close to home. They exhaust me. I don't remember the last time I had a shower. It was more than a week ago. My hair is a mess. I'm dirty and stinky from sweating and not changing my clothes. Some days it is all just too much for me. This is exactly why I can't work. I'm trying my hardest, and my health doesn't cooperate. My son doesn't cooperate. I don't have a support system to keep me going at a steady pace without exhausting myself. I get overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work to be done all the time. I can't keep up with Caleb's messes. I'm not a maid, but I feel like I have to be. 

    It is now 0536 on Friday of Spring Break. Most of Caleb's Spring Break was spent with me being sick and unable to do much. I feel so much better this morning. I woke up around 0430 and was awake. Normally I am tired and need to rest more. I woke up and was ready to start doing what I need to do. I went ahead and took all my medications and supplements. I haven't been taking them like I need to. I wanted to see if I stopped taking the hydroxyzine, if maybe I wouldn't be drowsy during the day. I take it for anxiety and preventing panic attacks. I was unable to take my night meds for a couple of days because I could not eat. My lurasidone requires me to eat before taking it or I will feel sick. I also can't take my diabetes medications without eating or my sugar will drop below safe glucose levels. 

    I am not ready for Spring Break to be over. I can't wait for Summer break. I need to be able to have Caleb around to help me get stuff done. I am just not able to do everything I need to do without his help doing his part to keep the house clean and laundry going. It wouldn't be so bad if he did not leave dirty dishes wherever he wanted, put the trash in the trash can, and took the trash to bins outside when directed. He leaves the trash in the living room instead of taking it to the bins! I don't know what his problem is exactly. He can't get it through his head that tasks need to be fully completed when directed. Do one thing at a time to completion before moving to the next task. Ugh! I need help so badly! He is on ADHD medications. I don't know how else to help him. This is driving us nuts. Nana can't help clean. She can hardly walk to the bathroom. I can't afford to hire help. I don't make enough money to afford groceries anymore.

    For whatever reason, I am not getting customers for my business and have not had the time to give Nana her Reiki sessions so she can leave me reviews. I am just so busy running around all the time. I hardly spend time at home just relaxing. I need that so much. I get exhausted, overwhlemed, and overstimulated, and at the same time am lonely and missing friends and family.

    I signed up for that Yoga for Trauma class, and am 4 weeks behind or so, and it's only a 6 week class! I feel so badly about that. I am just trying to do too much with all these social worker appointments on top of everything. Lakita likely got me sick. She was sick with a stomach virus last week. I never want to go through that again. I was sooo hungry! Yesterday I went to buy cheese and water from Food Lion and ended up buying ready made food that I never buy like mustard potato salad and cole slaw. I love that stuff but I am normally on a strict keto diet. I had chips and spicy queso too. I was so hungry I had to eat in the parking lot before leaving! I was like starved! 

    The night before last I was taking pepto bismol to help settle my nausea. I had a banana. I went to bed and like clockwork woke up every 2 hours to use the bathroom, sip on ice water, and eat saltine crackers slowly. It was tiring and my legs were feeling like they were burning hot. I could not cool down. Thank God I had Bella in bed with me. Pettin gher helps me feel better and she loves it too. I love her so much! I am so grateful for her in my life. Having her sleep next to me is such a healing thing for me. I sleep so much better with her by my side. She has not slept with me in a long time because I guess she was more comfortable sleeping in Nana's bed. I have missed her. I love cuddling next to her. She is my fur baby.

    I can't wait to be able to take a shower. I feel so dirty and layered in sweat and dirt. I want to be cleaned up and do my hair. I look like a discarded rag doll. I went out looking like that yesterday too. I just didn't care or feel good enough to take care of myself like I usually do. I wore a mask everywhere I went. I don't want to get other people sick. Nana has been wearing a mask around the house, and I have been wearing a mask around her.

    I was sooo incredibly thirsty too! Man! Being sick is no joke. All the while I had to be without my meds because they were the first thing to come back up. I first projectile vomited in the Food Lion parking lot the day before yesterday I think. I had not eaten much. I just had a slice of keto bread to take all my morning medications and supplements. I could not get the taste of meds out of my mouth after puking! Yuck! I was starving after that. I had gone to Food Lion to get some sushi for lunch for all of us. I  still ate 2 containers of sushi. It managed to stay down thank God! I was sooo hungry, I could not wait to get back to the Mazda to begin eating!

    I feel alive right now, and healthy. I am so grateful. Do I have chronic illnesses and diseases that suck the life out of me? Yes I do. Am I glad that vomiting is not a regular thing I go through? Oh yes I am!

    Christinia has been on me about my eating habits. First it was just about me eating doughnuts. I told her about eating my lunch yesterday, and her response was something like, "I don't want to hear about you killing yourself." That was in response to me eating potato salad and corn chips. She couldn't just be happy I could eat again. She knew about all the times I projectile vomited . 

    I don't think I want to try to continue the keto diet lifestyle. It's too hard and stressful. I am not seeing results even after I manage to stay in ketosis. I need another way to lose weight and get back to fit.

    Lella had bariatric surgery and can barely keep down a yogurt. I'm not going to live like that. God bless her. I'd rather be able to eat what I want and be obese.

    I text messaged Carla yesterday and she never text messaged me back. I hope she is ok.

    I messaged my Mom this morning and she did not respond. I wonder what's going with everybody. 

    I made a lot of progress on the kitchen yesterday. I just move a lot slower than I use to. I still see progress made. I am happy about that. There was a lot of arguing going gon between Caleb and me yesterday. I can't seem to get him to understand how important it is to get Social Services off our case. It's like it doesn't phase him at all that they will take him away permanently. I don't know how that doesn't phase him. 

    We had the intake appointment with Youth Villages this week. It was a virtual appointment that lasted a long time. I was so hungry during the appointment. I am not usually hungry like that. I don't know why that appointment made me so hungry. It was a lot of question answering. I wanted to reschedule the appointment because I wasn't feeling well, bit we didn't. Thank God we got that over with! Now to the next step. The first appointment to have in-home-intensive care has to be made. I was waiting to fully heal before scheduling that appointment. I was hoping to have the house cleaned this week since Caleb was going to be home for Spring Break. So much for that! I tried, and I never gave up. Today is a new day and I hope to get all the trash out that is all over the living room floor. 

    Caleb got a lot of Diet Mountain Dew boxes out finally. He took the empty water jugs out finally. I tell him to do this stuff on a regular basis and he never does it when I ask, so it just piles up. I drink a gallon jug of Spring water daily. It piles up quickly. I drink a 12 pack of Diet Mountain Dew almost daily too.

    I just want a clean house. Is that too much to ask? It's not like I expect him to be the only one cleaning. 

    The birds are chirping outside now. I hope we have another day like yesterday. It was beautiful. Sunny and cool temperature. There a little bit of wind. Just gorgeous to be outside. I wish the whole year could feel like it did yesterday. The day before that it was pouring down rain and dark outside. I was miserable. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Lack of sunlight really affects me negatively. The rain makes me feel more pain in my body. The mixture of osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia plus major depression and S.A.D. is just horrible!  

    I took my kratomade this morning so I can work on the housework that needs to be done. I also did some hape' and ate a delta-8 gummy whole. It's going to be a good day one way or another! I feel good. I got up and ate some of my favorite pasta salad that I made for breakfast before taking my medications and supplements. I feel like I have the energy to take a shower and clean myself up before Caleb wakes up. I can't believe I've been up so long already and feel great!

    I can see the light starting to show. I hope it's another day like yesterday. Good weather makes my days so much easier on me. I'm just so sensitive to stuff. I feel so good. I'm just waiting for Nana to finish up in the bathroom so I can get my much-needed shower in. I have all these papers on my desk that I need to go through again. I have forgotten a lot since being obsessed with avoiding projectile vomiting. Nothing will make you more grateful to be as healthy as you can be like getting sick.

    I swear I go through this every year with the change of seasons from Winter to Spring. I just don't remember things like I use to be able to. Not being able to sleep has a huge impact on my ability to function during the day. I need to find a better way to make sure I sleep through the night, every night.  

    I was listening to a lot of music yesterday while I was cleaning. I cleaned from 2pm to 8pm. It was and is a slow process with Caleb. He argues every turn of the conversation. He can't just do what I am telling him to do. It's so frustrating.I sweat he's begging me to hit him. I won't hit him though. I won't go to jail or prison for anybody. 

    My birthday is coming up. April 11th I turn 41 years old. I can't believe I made it this far. I have had quite a few suicidal ideation times of life. I fight hard every day to be here and be present with the people I love. It's not easy. I wish all the time that I could be healthier and more able to live the life I could be living. I worked so hard to complete my bachelors of science degree in business administration with a concentration in operations management. I served 4 years in the Army. All of my time in service was either spent in training or in South Korea. I miss working every day with people with a sense of humor. I miss my dad every day. I cried yesterday while listening to music. It just had to come out. I feel thing so intensely. I miss my dad so much. I was singing yesterday loud as hell. I did not care. I was washing dishes and listening to Staind. The song "Raining in my head" was the one I was singing to. I use to listen to that song while I was in high school. Sometimes I miss those days. Sometimes I miss being a student. At least I was always good at that. Speaking of which I need to spend time on this class I enrolled in and got a full scholarship to. 

    I better go ahead and wake Caleb up. We've got laundry that needs to be get done. 

    Thank you for reading! Have a blessed day! Keep us in your prayers!

Continuation of last night

     Last night I confessed the following, "I’m behind 3 weeks in a class I was given a full scholarship for, Yoga for Trauma. I might not be able to catch up and I feel so bad about it. There are too many demands on my life right now. I struggled to put dinner on the table tonight. I can’t sleep through the night ever, and am exhausted every single day. I drink diet Mountain Dew nonstop through the day to try to stay awake. I’m experimenting with hape’, delta-8, kratom, and mushrooms to conquer my non-stop chronic pains that I can’t work through. I want to be able to live a fulfilling life where I can complete and accomplish things regularly.

I’m a disabled veteran and I need help. I don’t know what type of help to ask for. I’ve been to doctors, a psychiatrist, different therapists. I’m trying to stay on top of my health care. It’s difficult when I require so many different appointments each week. I want to devote time to my classes and my business. I’m struggling so hard.

I don’t have a therapist anymore. I’m using my blog to help me.

I take so many medications. I wish I didn’t have to take them at all. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I stopped taking my medications.

I feel like I’m a burden to people when I reach out. I don’t think those people realize that I’m trying to reach out to them to have a conversation. I’m isolated and alone a lot.

I’m still grieving the loss of my dad.

I went out today and I didn’t even wash my face or brush my hair . My shirt was dirty. I’m so tired of trying to keep my eyes open during the day and trying to stay asleep at night that I didn’t care.

If you had a clue what my standards used to be to be, you would understand how far I’ve fallen into this pit I’m stuck in.

I did all that work to get my bachelors of science degree from UNCW in business administration with concentration in operations management and never got to make money from what I learned. It’s impossible for me to have the job I worked so hard to prepare for now. I wanted to work for the federal government in purchasing and logistics. My health is so bad now that it’s hard to wash the dishes and make a meal.

There are days I miss the Army. I miss the camaraderie.

I wish I could do the things I want to do. You would expect that life is a certain way for me, but likely that couldn’t be further from the truth. I struggle trying to stay on top of my calendars and timelines and schedules. I don’t have the energy I need to have a full day every day. I’m trying to figure out how to change that and stopping some medications may help.

I was going to put together a book about what my experience has been having Autism Spectrum Disorder. I can’t catch up on the things on my lists of things I need to do.

I’m in bed and needed to air these things out so I can relax and maybe go to sleep."

    I was just lying in bed last night trying to wind down and decided to write on my Facebook profile. I spent the majority of yesterday in bed trying to sleep and not being able to. It is now 0507 on Monday morning.

    I made a pork butt in the slow cooker yesterday that turned out good. I didn't get much else done. I thought that if I took a whole delta-8 gummy that I would be able to work all day without pain. It made me feel so good that all I wanted to do was rest in bed and stay cool. I could not work. I struggled to stay awake. I struggled to fall asleep. I couldn't do either.

    Today Caleb and I have to get the living room cleaned up. We have to get the trash out of the house because today is trash pickup day. I struggled with Caleb all weekend trying to get the living room picked up. He has an excuse every time I tell him to pick up the trash or take the trash out to the bins. It's frustrating. He should be able to clean his messes. He is so resistant. I just want the job to be completed already!

    Nana's bidet is not working for her and I don't know why. I tried to see what is going on and I got to work just fine. It sprayed the way it's meant to. I don't know why it isn't working for her when she needs it to work.

    I am hoping to be able to get some laundry washed today as well as get the living room cleaned up. I need to get to a point where I can fill out all the paperwork that I need to fill out. I need to be able to catch up on my Yoga for Trauma class.

    Nana has to do fasting labs sometime this week and make an appointment to see her primary care provider. This week is Caleb's Spring break. Thank God for this much needed break. I need so much rest, and so does Caleb.

    I'm just sitting here thinking. I'm the only one awake right now. It's nice and quiet. So quiet that I can hear the carbonation in my diet Mountain Dew fizzling. I'm considering getting Caleb up. We have to take the trash out before the trash truck comes to pickup. Maybe I could go ahead and get the laundry started.

    I guess I will start my day now. It is now 0552.

    Thank you for reading! Have a blessed day! Keep us in your prayers!