Stomach Flu

     I have been AWOL lately because I had the stomach flu. I was projectile vomiting for days and it was a miserable experience that I am glad is over. I feel so much better this morning. Yesterday I started feeling better when I could down my food and drink. I was even able to begin cleaning my kitchen. I was quite a few dishes by hand and began loading the dishwasher too. Dishes are everywhere in here. Caleb just leaves dishes wherever he wants and does not clean any dishes ever. I am losing my patience with this boy. We argued all day yesterday. It's like he just doesn't get how important it is to get this cleaning done. I mean stuff is just piled everywhere in the common areas. I will be happy when we are done and caught up. I hope we can get a lot of the laundry washed too. It is currently piled up in the laundry room. I mean this place is a disaster. I get behind and can never just stay on top of things. I have too many demands at one time. I have so many doctor's appointments that are not close to home. They exhaust me. I don't remember the last time I had a shower. It was more than a week ago. My hair is a mess. I'm dirty and stinky from sweating and not changing my clothes. Some days it is all just too much for me. This is exactly why I can't work. I'm trying my hardest, and my health doesn't cooperate. My son doesn't cooperate. I don't have a support system to keep me going at a steady pace without exhausting myself. I get overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work to be done all the time. I can't keep up with Caleb's messes. I'm not a maid, but I feel like I have to be. 

    It is now 0536 on Friday of Spring Break. Most of Caleb's Spring Break was spent with me being sick and unable to do much. I feel so much better this morning. I woke up around 0430 and was awake. Normally I am tired and need to rest more. I woke up and was ready to start doing what I need to do. I went ahead and took all my medications and supplements. I haven't been taking them like I need to. I wanted to see if I stopped taking the hydroxyzine, if maybe I wouldn't be drowsy during the day. I take it for anxiety and preventing panic attacks. I was unable to take my night meds for a couple of days because I could not eat. My lurasidone requires me to eat before taking it or I will feel sick. I also can't take my diabetes medications without eating or my sugar will drop below safe glucose levels. 

    I am not ready for Spring Break to be over. I can't wait for Summer break. I need to be able to have Caleb around to help me get stuff done. I am just not able to do everything I need to do without his help doing his part to keep the house clean and laundry going. It wouldn't be so bad if he did not leave dirty dishes wherever he wanted, put the trash in the trash can, and took the trash to bins outside when directed. He leaves the trash in the living room instead of taking it to the bins! I don't know what his problem is exactly. He can't get it through his head that tasks need to be fully completed when directed. Do one thing at a time to completion before moving to the next task. Ugh! I need help so badly! He is on ADHD medications. I don't know how else to help him. This is driving us nuts. Nana can't help clean. She can hardly walk to the bathroom. I can't afford to hire help. I don't make enough money to afford groceries anymore.

    For whatever reason, I am not getting customers for my business and have not had the time to give Nana her Reiki sessions so she can leave me reviews. I am just so busy running around all the time. I hardly spend time at home just relaxing. I need that so much. I get exhausted, overwhlemed, and overstimulated, and at the same time am lonely and missing friends and family.

    I signed up for that Yoga for Trauma class, and am 4 weeks behind or so, and it's only a 6 week class! I feel so badly about that. I am just trying to do too much with all these social worker appointments on top of everything. Lakita likely got me sick. She was sick with a stomach virus last week. I never want to go through that again. I was sooo hungry! Yesterday I went to buy cheese and water from Food Lion and ended up buying ready made food that I never buy like mustard potato salad and cole slaw. I love that stuff but I am normally on a strict keto diet. I had chips and spicy queso too. I was so hungry I had to eat in the parking lot before leaving! I was like starved! 

    The night before last I was taking pepto bismol to help settle my nausea. I had a banana. I went to bed and like clockwork woke up every 2 hours to use the bathroom, sip on ice water, and eat saltine crackers slowly. It was tiring and my legs were feeling like they were burning hot. I could not cool down. Thank God I had Bella in bed with me. Pettin gher helps me feel better and she loves it too. I love her so much! I am so grateful for her in my life. Having her sleep next to me is such a healing thing for me. I sleep so much better with her by my side. She has not slept with me in a long time because I guess she was more comfortable sleeping in Nana's bed. I have missed her. I love cuddling next to her. She is my fur baby.

    I can't wait to be able to take a shower. I feel so dirty and layered in sweat and dirt. I want to be cleaned up and do my hair. I look like a discarded rag doll. I went out looking like that yesterday too. I just didn't care or feel good enough to take care of myself like I usually do. I wore a mask everywhere I went. I don't want to get other people sick. Nana has been wearing a mask around the house, and I have been wearing a mask around her.

    I was sooo incredibly thirsty too! Man! Being sick is no joke. All the while I had to be without my meds because they were the first thing to come back up. I first projectile vomited in the Food Lion parking lot the day before yesterday I think. I had not eaten much. I just had a slice of keto bread to take all my morning medications and supplements. I could not get the taste of meds out of my mouth after puking! Yuck! I was starving after that. I had gone to Food Lion to get some sushi for lunch for all of us. I  still ate 2 containers of sushi. It managed to stay down thank God! I was sooo hungry, I could not wait to get back to the Mazda to begin eating!

    I feel alive right now, and healthy. I am so grateful. Do I have chronic illnesses and diseases that suck the life out of me? Yes I do. Am I glad that vomiting is not a regular thing I go through? Oh yes I am!

    Christinia has been on me about my eating habits. First it was just about me eating doughnuts. I told her about eating my lunch yesterday, and her response was something like, "I don't want to hear about you killing yourself." That was in response to me eating potato salad and corn chips. She couldn't just be happy I could eat again. She knew about all the times I projectile vomited . 

    I don't think I want to try to continue the keto diet lifestyle. It's too hard and stressful. I am not seeing results even after I manage to stay in ketosis. I need another way to lose weight and get back to fit.

    Lella had bariatric surgery and can barely keep down a yogurt. I'm not going to live like that. God bless her. I'd rather be able to eat what I want and be obese.

    I text messaged Carla yesterday and she never text messaged me back. I hope she is ok.

    I messaged my Mom this morning and she did not respond. I wonder what's going with everybody. 

    I made a lot of progress on the kitchen yesterday. I just move a lot slower than I use to. I still see progress made. I am happy about that. There was a lot of arguing going gon between Caleb and me yesterday. I can't seem to get him to understand how important it is to get Social Services off our case. It's like it doesn't phase him at all that they will take him away permanently. I don't know how that doesn't phase him. 

    We had the intake appointment with Youth Villages this week. It was a virtual appointment that lasted a long time. I was so hungry during the appointment. I am not usually hungry like that. I don't know why that appointment made me so hungry. It was a lot of question answering. I wanted to reschedule the appointment because I wasn't feeling well, bit we didn't. Thank God we got that over with! Now to the next step. The first appointment to have in-home-intensive care has to be made. I was waiting to fully heal before scheduling that appointment. I was hoping to have the house cleaned this week since Caleb was going to be home for Spring Break. So much for that! I tried, and I never gave up. Today is a new day and I hope to get all the trash out that is all over the living room floor. 

    Caleb got a lot of Diet Mountain Dew boxes out finally. He took the empty water jugs out finally. I tell him to do this stuff on a regular basis and he never does it when I ask, so it just piles up. I drink a gallon jug of Spring water daily. It piles up quickly. I drink a 12 pack of Diet Mountain Dew almost daily too.

    I just want a clean house. Is that too much to ask? It's not like I expect him to be the only one cleaning. 

    The birds are chirping outside now. I hope we have another day like yesterday. It was beautiful. Sunny and cool temperature. There a little bit of wind. Just gorgeous to be outside. I wish the whole year could feel like it did yesterday. The day before that it was pouring down rain and dark outside. I was miserable. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Lack of sunlight really affects me negatively. The rain makes me feel more pain in my body. The mixture of osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia plus major depression and S.A.D. is just horrible!  

    I took my kratomade this morning so I can work on the housework that needs to be done. I also did some hape' and ate a delta-8 gummy whole. It's going to be a good day one way or another! I feel good. I got up and ate some of my favorite pasta salad that I made for breakfast before taking my medications and supplements. I feel like I have the energy to take a shower and clean myself up before Caleb wakes up. I can't believe I've been up so long already and feel great!

    I can see the light starting to show. I hope it's another day like yesterday. Good weather makes my days so much easier on me. I'm just so sensitive to stuff. I feel so good. I'm just waiting for Nana to finish up in the bathroom so I can get my much-needed shower in. I have all these papers on my desk that I need to go through again. I have forgotten a lot since being obsessed with avoiding projectile vomiting. Nothing will make you more grateful to be as healthy as you can be like getting sick.

    I swear I go through this every year with the change of seasons from Winter to Spring. I just don't remember things like I use to be able to. Not being able to sleep has a huge impact on my ability to function during the day. I need to find a better way to make sure I sleep through the night, every night.  

    I was listening to a lot of music yesterday while I was cleaning. I cleaned from 2pm to 8pm. It was and is a slow process with Caleb. He argues every turn of the conversation. He can't just do what I am telling him to do. It's so frustrating.I sweat he's begging me to hit him. I won't hit him though. I won't go to jail or prison for anybody. 

    My birthday is coming up. April 11th I turn 41 years old. I can't believe I made it this far. I have had quite a few suicidal ideation times of life. I fight hard every day to be here and be present with the people I love. It's not easy. I wish all the time that I could be healthier and more able to live the life I could be living. I worked so hard to complete my bachelors of science degree in business administration with a concentration in operations management. I served 4 years in the Army. All of my time in service was either spent in training or in South Korea. I miss working every day with people with a sense of humor. I miss my dad every day. I cried yesterday while listening to music. It just had to come out. I feel thing so intensely. I miss my dad so much. I was singing yesterday loud as hell. I did not care. I was washing dishes and listening to Staind. The song "Raining in my head" was the one I was singing to. I use to listen to that song while I was in high school. Sometimes I miss those days. Sometimes I miss being a student. At least I was always good at that. Speaking of which I need to spend time on this class I enrolled in and got a full scholarship to. 

    I better go ahead and wake Caleb up. We've got laundry that needs to be get done. 

    Thank you for reading! Have a blessed day! Keep us in your prayers!