Recovery

     So it's been a minute since I last wrote anything. It is now 0313 on Wednesday. Last week was tough. I had a stomach flu where I was projectile vomiting. I couldn't hold my pasta salad down. It was gross. I'm so glad that is over. Not only that, but the solar eclipse energy hit me strangely. I just had all this energy all of a sudden that led me to doing the Shakti warrior dance. Caleb saw me doing it and got frightened. I think I put the fear of God in him finally. He has never seen me doing any kind of dancing. I use to dance all the time. I have been so tired, exhausted, depressed, filled with anxiety, and dealing with trauma that I have not been able to to do the things I love to do. I loved to dance when I was younger. I loved to sing too. I managed to sing Staind's "It's always raining in my head," and felt better. I was singing and washing dishes. Lakita came over and helped us clear a path to the front doorway. Caleb and I had the intake virtual appointment for his intensive in-home therapy. We are trying to set his first appointment up. I had the appointment with DSS yesterday. It went well. I managed to stay calm, cool, and collected. I was very emotional the day before with crying and and expressing my concerns that they were going to take Caleb away because they lack empathy for my current situation with my health. It's like I can't communicate to them how my daily life is affected by my health conditions and Caleb's health conditions, and Nana's health conditions. It's not easy living this life. There are so many variables. I never know how I will feel in the future. I can't predict my health. I have been struggling with PTSD, fibromyalgia, Autism, and diabetes with depression and grieving. If you know how to do it better than I am, let me know how. I need help. I can't seem to get the help I need when I need it most.

    Caleb was so scared that he told Nana to call the medics to the house. They arrived and checked my blood sugar and blood pressure for me. I was ok. My sugar was high, but not too high that I had to go to the ER. My blood pressure was high, but it is always high even though I take medications. It was not so high that I needed to the go to ER. Thay saw me resting on my bed. I was ok. I was able to talk. I was a little shaky. I had just processed a lot of me feelings, thoughts, and emotions with that intense dance. I have never practiced that dance. I have never seen that dance before. I guess it just came out of nowhere. It must have been needed at the time. I have only seen a picture of a single position of the Shakti warrior dance. It was awesome to do it though.

    I was doing tapping too. Tapping feels so good when I can tolerate it. Some days I am too sensitive to be able to touch myself at all. I have a lot of chakra blockages. Had. If I could just keep my chakras clear and balanced I might be ok. I feel better when I can talk about things. I like to talk about all sorts of things most of the time. I forget stuff frequently so I need help. I keep a blog to refer to for later reference. If I ever need to refer to my blog, it is there for me. If I have a seizure, or a stroke, and can't remember what happened, I can go back and read my own story. I hope it helps when I need it.

    God willing, I will find a way to prevent and cure diabetes. I am genetically predisposed to get it from both sides of my family. I have diabetes and it is affecting me greatly. I just want to be able to control my body weight, my consumption of goods, and my sleep. I want to be able to spend time on my incline trainer again. I never got to use it the way I intended. I want to catch up on the latest music. I haven't heard the latest music lately. I want to see what people are saying in their lyrics to see where we stand. How far have we come? How far we do we need to go from here? What can I do to help? When can I learn to play guitar? When can I learn to write my own music? I need to learn how to write music first. I don't understand how to write music.

    I want to save the human race. In the back of my mind, I am working on it. How does one survive a nuclear apocalypse? I have been thinking to myself. I am researching in my own time. I wonder why we do not prepare for such things. It's a likely occurrence the way things are going. How many countries have nuclear bombs? And look at what they are doing now. How did they get that technology? Who would give the enemy that kind of power? I just wonder. 

    I am using my hape' and delta-8 gummies as I see fit to help with all my issues. I have chronic pain and depression.It can be hard to think. I need to clear my head of all the stuff that doesn't make a difference in my daily life so I can focus on what's important to me. I feel like I have done this before, and it is likely I have done this infinitely over and over again across multiple timelines. I ask God for favors all the time. I am currently praying that I get approved for my latest VA disability claims, VA pension, and VA aid and attendance, and also child support. I need help buying groceries these days. I do not make enough money anymore. Things have gotten expensive to buy. I made bad decision in refinancing my mortgage. Now my mortgage is expensive because the property taxes and homeowner's insurance have increased dramatically. I might need to move away from here even though I don't really want to. I can't afford to move. I have no savings. I have no credit. I am doing the best I can every day. 

    I have so much work to get done. I feel like the solar eclipse did a number on me. There is another one in October. I also feel like I have experienced this before in this lifetime, but I can't remember if that is true or not. I look to Caleb. His reaction is new, therefor it has not happened before in this lifetime. I look to Nana. Her reaction is clearly understood. She gets me. She is praying the rosary. 

    I need to put the next solar eclipse on my calendar to be able to set time aside for myself to heal. 

    It is already 0413. Wow. 

    I am likely going to be tired later today. At least I was able to take a shower yesterday. It felt good to wash up and put on some clean clothes. I forgot to put my shorts on under my dress. I'm so stressed out that I am forgetting to do things that use to be routine. I might need to go back to last year's solar eclipse dates and see if I have experienced this before. 

    I am going to make some keto chili tonight. I hope. I have the ingredients. I just need to clean the kitchen up before I start cooking. I don't know if I will have the energy. I hope I do. I would really like chili tonight with jalapenos, sour cream, and cheddar cheese. Yummy! Spicy! 

    I have been so incredibly thirsty lately. And hungry. It's like I just can't get enough. I need to slow down some though. I have a lot of information coming through and I just need to remain calm and breathe so I don't have a panic attack. I need to find my calmigo and begin using it instead of using my vape so frequently. Caleb made a Christmas-scented essential oil blend that I absolutely love! It should be used as air freshener everywhere! LOL Especially in the bathroom. I have to make more of this stuff. Cloves and cinnamon. 

    Caleb is doing well in school. I worry about him and he worries about me. He doesn't like for me to drive to Wilmington for my doctor's appointments by myself. He worries that I will have a seizure and then what? I need a diabetic bracelet. If I need help in the future, I need EMS to know I am diabetic right away. 

    How does curiosity work? If God has no ears, how does he hear? When I pray, am I getting through? I miss rollerskating. I loved it  so much, but they closed the Wilmington skating rink some years ago. I wish they re-open it. I wish I had somewhere to go that was wholesome, with loud music, pretty lights, a ellipse... is that even the right word? I miss going to the skating rink with Mathew when I was younger. I wonder how he is doing now. I am guessing someone would let me know if he died. I am not sure. I hope he is alive and well. I hope his kids are ok too. And Nichole. I hope wherever they are, they are safe and protected. 

    You know why I love Oak Island, NC? I love the parades, the free concerts, the convenience, the beaches... and the people. I love it here more than I liked Wilmington. When I lived in Wilmington I heard the aircraft every day, I heard sirens a lot, and the traffic was horrible. It got to be too much stimulation. I was scared a lot. I didn't want planes to crash in the city. I always wondered what the sirens were about. Was everybody ok? Did the person survive if it was an EMS emergency? My mind just would not let those thoughts go. I keep telling Nana how 9/11 affected me. Not that I am completely aware... I am just trying to figure it out. I'm a little slow seeing as it's been more than 20 years. I think I had PTSD before 9/11, but that made it so much worse. I was paranoid everywhere I went after that. All these what-if statements came through to me. 

    I got good news at the eye doctor's. I don't need new glasses! Yay! I just spent $1400 on 2 pairs of glasses because they are Progressives and Transitions. I don't have the money to buy new glasses. I have to purchase them outside of the VA because I need Transitions and Progressives, and they won't cover those type of glasses. 

    My psychiatrist won't refer me to her team for regular therapy because she does not believe that I will keep my appointments. It sucks. I need therapy for free. I can't afford another bill. I don't have any savings at all. 

    I have to schedule my MRI appointment. I need to do that today. I need to call and get Nana's debit card too. I also need to schedule her doctor's appointments. 

    I think about all the conversations I could have had, but never had. Should have had, but didn't have. It can be hurtful. I miss my dad. 

    What everyone studied martial arts? How many Masters would there be? How many degrees would be needed for ultimate ascension? I wish I had studied. 

    I've been trying to do too much for one disabled person at a time when things are harder than I can handle some days. 

    Have you ever thought about how many parallel universes there are? How many times would it repeat? What about the non-parallel universes? What about the multiverses? How many of them are there? Just wondering. 

    Why did curiosity kill the cat? 

    I miss dad's jokes. 

    Man, I feel better all of a sudden. I am using LUV Flow drops in addition to the hape' and delta-8 gummy.

    It is now 0456. I have just been sitting here listening to my own thoughts. 

    I wish I could offer my services for free, but I need to put food on the table too. Life is expensive here on this timeline. I wonder how it might be different on a different timeline and think to myself, how could we make this better?

    You know, Caleb asks a lot of questions to which I don't have the answers. Thank God for modern-day technology! I can tell him to "look it up on Google", and he pulls out his phone and Google searches for the answers. Makes life a lot easier for me. I don't remember half of what I learned thus far. I went through all that schooling, only to forget it. It affects my decision-making because I am educated, but what am I forgetting? Am I forgetting anything? I don't remember. 

    I just want to experience the life experience to the best of my current ability and be in love, get re-married, and live a long life. 

    I use to play card games a lot on the computer. I like solitaire, free cell, and although not a crad game, mah jong. 

    Do I have TBI? What is TBI? How do you get it? Did I hit my head? I was in the Army 4 years. If I hit my head, would I know it? If it was hard enough to pass out, would I recall it? 

    I need Caleb to learn EMS skills so he might be able to save my life or Nana's life. I need Caleb to get ready to drive. I might have to get the Volvo back from Christinia so he can drive that around instead of the Mazda.

    I haven't been checking my numbers lately. I started again 2 days ago. I have my appointment with Dr. Kent tomorrow. 

    Can things move at the speed of light? E=MC^2. Energy doesn't have feelings. It must be so much easier to not have feelings. I feel a lot. 

    Broaden your minds.

    Open a book. Travel. Learn. 

    I am considering learning Portuguese. I don't know if I have the time. I never was able to catch up on that Yoga for trauma class. I feel so guilty about that. They gave me a scholarship. A full ride. 

    It's almost time to take Caleb to the bus stop. I better get ready. I still have to get his medications.

    Thank you for reading! Have blessed day! Keep us in your prayers!