Last night I confessed the following, "I’m behind 3 weeks in a class I was given a full scholarship for, Yoga for Trauma. I might not be able to catch up and I feel so bad about it. There are too many demands on my life right now. I struggled to put dinner on the table tonight. I can’t sleep through the night ever, and am exhausted every single day. I drink diet Mountain Dew nonstop through the day to try to stay awake. I’m experimenting with hape’, delta-8, kratom, and mushrooms to conquer my non-stop chronic pains that I can’t work through. I want to be able to live a fulfilling life where I can complete and accomplish things regularly.
I’m a disabled veteran and I need help. I don’t know what type of help to ask for. I’ve been to doctors, a psychiatrist, different therapists. I’m trying to stay on top of my health care. It’s difficult when I require so many different appointments each week. I want to devote time to my classes and my business. I’m struggling so hard.
I don’t have a therapist anymore. I’m using my blog to help me.
I take so many medications. I wish I didn’t have to take them at all. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I stopped taking my medications.
I feel like I’m a burden to people when I reach out. I don’t think those people realize that I’m trying to reach out to them to have a conversation. I’m isolated and alone a lot.
I’m still grieving the loss of my dad.
I went out today and I didn’t even wash my face or brush my hair . My shirt was dirty. I’m so tired of trying to keep my eyes open during the day and trying to stay asleep at night that I didn’t care.
If you had a clue what my standards used to be to be, you would understand how far I’ve fallen into this pit I’m stuck in.
I did all that work to get my bachelors of science degree from UNCW in business administration with concentration in operations management and never got to make money from what I learned. It’s impossible for me to have the job I worked so hard to prepare for now. I wanted to work for the federal government in purchasing and logistics. My health is so bad now that it’s hard to wash the dishes and make a meal.
There are days I miss the Army. I miss the camaraderie.
I wish I could do the things I want to do. You would expect that life is a certain way for me, but likely that couldn’t be further from the truth. I struggle trying to stay on top of my calendars and timelines and schedules. I don’t have the energy I need to have a full day every day. I’m trying to figure out how to change that and stopping some medications may help.
I was going to put together a book about what my experience has been having Autism Spectrum Disorder. I can’t catch up on the things on my lists of things I need to do.
I’m in bed and needed to air these things out so I can relax and maybe go to sleep."
I was just lying in bed last night trying to wind down and decided to write on my Facebook profile. I spent the majority of yesterday in bed trying to sleep and not being able to. It is now 0507 on Monday morning.
I made a pork butt in the slow cooker yesterday that turned out good. I didn't get much else done. I thought that if I took a whole delta-8 gummy that I would be able to work all day without pain. It made me feel so good that all I wanted to do was rest in bed and stay cool. I could not work. I struggled to stay awake. I struggled to fall asleep. I couldn't do either.
Today Caleb and I have to get the living room cleaned up. We have to get the trash out of the house because today is trash pickup day. I struggled with Caleb all weekend trying to get the living room picked up. He has an excuse every time I tell him to pick up the trash or take the trash out to the bins. It's frustrating. He should be able to clean his messes. He is so resistant. I just want the job to be completed already!
Nana's bidet is not working for her and I don't know why. I tried to see what is going on and I got to work just fine. It sprayed the way it's meant to. I don't know why it isn't working for her when she needs it to work.
I am hoping to be able to get some laundry washed today as well as get the living room cleaned up. I need to get to a point where I can fill out all the paperwork that I need to fill out. I need to be able to catch up on my Yoga for Trauma class.
Nana has to do fasting labs sometime this week and make an appointment to see her primary care provider. This week is Caleb's Spring break. Thank God for this much needed break. I need so much rest, and so does Caleb.
I'm just sitting here thinking. I'm the only one awake right now. It's nice and quiet. So quiet that I can hear the carbonation in my diet Mountain Dew fizzling. I'm considering getting Caleb up. We have to take the trash out before the trash truck comes to pickup. Maybe I could go ahead and get the laundry started.
I guess I will start my day now. It is now 0552.
Thank you for reading! Have a blessed day! Keep us in your prayers!
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