About yesterday

     Yesterday was Hell! I was awake  very early and was fine. Caleb and I went to Walmart during sensory friendly hours and it was good. We got gas in the Mazda, and went home. I planned on cleaning until I got a text message from my new therapist that our appointment was at 1030. Previously we agreed to an appointment at 1100, so I did not understand where he got that from. I called him at 1030 to correct him. He did not answer the phone. He called me back and the call dropped before I could say anything. I called him again and he did not answer. I waited a minute to call back. He finally answered the phone and we began talking. He gave me the doxy.me link for our appointment, which he neglected to email me in advance. When we were talking on doxy.me, he neglected to turn his camera on for a long time. Once he realized it was off, he turned it on. This was our first appointment for therapy. I had to fill out a packet of papers before we could have the appointment. I don't remember exactly what was in there, but I'm pretty sure I gave him a release of information form to retrieve my mental health files from the VA.

    Throughout the meeting the therapist gave no indication that he had reviewed my files. The questions were as if he knew nothing about me. By the end of the one and half hour meeting, I was enraged! He asked questions like, " What was the source of your PTSD?" and "What about that situation is the cause of your PTSD?" Like am I supposed to be the Doctor here? When he asked about my medications, I only told him the mental health medications. He did not know what Lurasidone was. When he asked about Caleb's medications, I only told him the mental health medications, and he did not know what Focalin was. He asked about my other health problems, like I'm supposed to have that long ass list memorized! I was short with my answers. I rocked back and forth in my chair the entire time we were in the appointment. I had to begin to vape and drink my soda just to get through the meeting. 

    I felt like my diagnoses meant nothing. I felt like I was not helped in any way at all. The only good thing that came out of that appointment was a suggestion about a plan to manage Caleb's behaviors with using the wifi as a rewards. A point system is what he suggested. Now that may be good and all, but I can't manage a point system. My memory is bad and I have too much going on to worry about adding and subtracting points to see whether Caleb has earned enough points for time on the wifi. 

    He didn't respect that I suffer ongoing chronic pains from multiple sources that have been diagnosed. He didn't respect the mental health diagnoses that I have at all, and pressed into my PTSD on purpose. He didn't respect my self-diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder, although I was clearly showing signs and symptoms of Autism right in front him for an hour and a half. 

    During the appointment, which was virtual online, CPS arrived and took photos of the house without me. Caleb took them to his room. They left before I was finished with my therapist, and I was unable to speak to them before they left.

    During the appointment construction was going on next door and was loud. It was hard to hear the therapist.

    Let's not forget that when he asked "What brings you to me for my services?" and I responded with something like "A CCA to give to DSS," he did not know what that was either! I told him, a CCA is Comprehensive Clinical Assessment. He did not know how to do one. When he asked what that meant, I said they are looking for a paper written by a therapist that says what's wrong with me, what to do about it, and a plan of action. He still did not know what to do, and asked for me to get him an example from DSS. 

    Also, he told me I am currently an "incompetent parent." He says it's obvious that I can't control my child, and if DSS asks him, that's what he is going to tell them. 

    Then, less than an hour later, Caleb's therapist came over. She is so kind and gentle, and helped Caleb understand and label emotions.

    I was so disturbed and enraged that I went to Nana to vent. I told her I just wanted to be alone in a cave somewhere. She told me she just thinking the same thing for herself. I was able to yell as needed in her room with her there. I had to let it out. I told her I needed hape' to calm my ass down. 

    How am I incompetent if I have been seeking help for years and have proof of that through all of our records? What exactly makes me incompetent? That I can't physically bend over to pick trash up off the floor, when I live with an able-bodied 15 year old who can, but doesn't? Is it because I lack a therapy or behavioral health degree to counsel my son with Austism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and PTSD? Or is it because I need help that I don't get? Please. Help me understand what makes this disabled veteran, college graduate, and single mother incompetent.

    I never want to see this therapist again, but I fear that I would have to go through the same thing with someone new. This can't be right, can it? Why am I walking away from a therapy appointment more traumatized than how I went in? He didn't know how to do his own job and he is a licensed Clinical Psychologist in my health insurance network who is local to me. I feel like reporting him, and maybe I will. He needs to have his licensed revoked. 

    Today I am making the pork butt. It's in the crockpot as of 1009. I hope to get a lot of the house clean today with Caleb's help. I have no appointments today. TGIF!

    Thank you for reading! Feel free to comment. Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day!

Yesterday

     I have been up since 3 something this morning. It is now 0511. Caleb is already awake. He took his meds. I am waiting to take mine. Yesterday was a hard day for me. I could not get the house cleaning done that I wanted. I was sore all over and tired beyond reason. I did not sleep well the night before last, but normally I can still get things done. I could not even get the laundry going. I was able to get the paperwork notarized that I needed, and the paperwork mailed that I needed to get mailed out. I wanted cookies, so I went to Food Lion and got some junk food. I was able to fill the dishwasher and run it. I was in such bad shape that I could eat a dinner. I had a slice of keto bread to be able to take my night medications. It was just a hard day for me. Caleb stayed home yesterday because he was told that the last day of school was optional. He took the kitchen trash out, and brought the groceries in. He got the mail for me. He let me rest as I needed. I spent alot of yesterday in bed. 

    I am hoping for a better day today. I need to clean my house. I still have laundry to clean, and dishes too. I have so much trash in here. Caleb doesn't put his trash in the trash can. Instead he throws it on the floor. It's a bad habit that I have to break him of. It was sunny and warm yesterday. It was a beautiful day. The guys were working on the new house building yesterday. They put down the cement for the foundation. It was loud! I was ok though. 

    Caleb has to mow the lawn this morning. I don't know if he can since he did not charge the batteries for the lawn mower. I have alot of laundry to put away. I have to help Caleb clean his room. I need to steam clean the carpet. Ugh! So much work to do!

    Summer break has officially started today. I have an appointment with my new therapist this morning. Caleb has an appointment with his therapist this afternoon. I am planning to cook a pork butt roast in the crockpot today. 

    I am trying a new menopause supplement to help me with my hot flashes and night sweats. I hope it works. I started taking it yesterday. I think it is too soon to tell. I am taking a new multivitamin too. I started taking it yesterday as well. 

    I have food in the house, and I am trying to relax my chronic fear of not having enough food. I have classes that I purchased that can help me with my eating habits, fear, anxiety, and trauma. I just need to start watching the videos to get the help I need. I need to be able to sit still long enough and be awake long enough to do them. I have so much other stuff going on right now that I just can't seem to manage to give myself the time I need to do these things. I need to give myself Reiki every morning too. I need to create better habits. The whole point of becoming a Reiki Master was to be able to perform Reiki on myself as needed. It just happens that I need it alot, and often don't think about it. It doesn't cross my mind when I need it the most. I have to reprogram my thinking so that I use the tools I have as I need them. The problem is my memory. My memory is bad. I don't remember alot of things that are not hard-wired into my routines. So... I have to create new routines to incorporate my Reiki practice into a daily practice. 

    I use hape' daily. It helps me. I cleaned out my kuripe' yesterday and man does that make a huge difference in how hard I have to blow! I used a skewer to clean it out. Worked well. 

    I use kratomade daily for my pain so I can work. The new medication does help, but I still need kratomade.

    I am not using the delta-8 as much. I just got a new shipment of delts-9 gummies. Caleb was not happy about it. I won't be making the same mistake twice.

    I got paid yesterday, but as soon as I get paid, I pay my bills. My bills take all my money to pay. I have nothing left, not even for groceries or gas. This is the reality of a person living on disability. I can't work. I was hoping to get my business going to be able to bring in some money to pay for food and gas. I am missing 2 reviews to get my heal.me account listed in the search. Right now, my heal.me account is not considered verified. That is where my problem lies. I plan on getting a volunteer or something to have a Reiki session with me and write a review of their experience. 

    I just want to get my life on track. I want to get my house clean, get DSS and CPS out of our lives, and run my business successfully. I want to read my books too. I have a library of books that I want to read in my house. There's so much I want to learn. There's so much I want to know. I just need to add it to my daily routine so I can make progress. 

    I had my Virta intake appointment yesterday. I spoke with my coach about what comes next. I am restarting the Virta diet in a few days. I have to take my glucose twice a day, ketones once a day, and blood pressure three times a week. I also take my weight daily. I had a junk food day yesterday, so I feel like it won't be hard to get my diet back on track. I need new recipes that Virta-friendly aka keto-friendly. I need new meals to prepare that are easy to make and affordable.

    It's time to groom Bella. I have to schedule an appointment with her vet to get her nails trimmed again. I don't know that I have enough money. I need to brush her really good because she is shedding her winter coat for the summer. 

    I have to figure out what I think I can do today. I need to focus on the laundry, the kitchen, and Caleb's room first. That's already alot of stuff to do. Hopefully I will have Caleb to help me through it all.

    I received my amazon order of a rashguard! And it fits! I am so big right now, I didn't think I could find a rashguard in my size. I am so happy because that will protect me from the sun at the beach. It means I am one step closer to taking Caleb to the beach! We live so close to the beach that it really is such a shame to not be going all year long. 

    Well, it is now 0547, and I have to take my morning medications and do my morning routines that set me up for a day of working.

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day!

Memorial Day Weekend

     It is now 0356 and I have been awake for about 30 minutes now. It is Tuesday morning after Memorial Day weekend. Our weekend was full of house cleaning. Caleb became more helpful after my trip to the hospital. I was able to get almost all of the laundry washed. I washed a lot of dishes. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like I have cleaned at all. Caleb's messes were not cleaned up. He has trash and dishes all over his bedroom floor. He doesn't want to put his clothes away until his room is clean. I think I washed all of the towels. I just have to wash the sleeping bags and comforters from Caleb's room. 

    On Saturday Caleb and I changed Nana's mattress protector and put a clean sheet on her bed for her. Caleb voluntarily cleaned under Nana's bed. Caleb helped me change my mattress protector and put a clean sheet on it too. I was able to bake the chicken quarters in the late morning before it got too hot in the house. I felt so much better. I was able to walk around without pain. My back did not hurt. I was able to get the laundry done and going by myself. Otherwise it is too hard to bend over and pick things up. We went to Amsterdam Life and Food Lion. I was tired by the end of the day. My medication really makes a difference. I am now taking Methocarbamol, a muscle relaxer, for my pain. I started taking the trash out of my bedroom, and began organizing the stuff I have on the floor.  

    Sunday we worked more slowly after such a busy Saturday. I made pork chops for dinner. We got even more laundry washed, dried, and folded. There were not as many arguments and fights as normal for Caleb. He was more helpful. It was awesome! Carla and Tyrone came over and we studied with them. 

    Monday was harder to get moving than Sunday, and we were even slower to get things accomplished. We got the laundry going. I washed some dishes. I cooked some fresh green beans to go with the pork chop leftovers. 

    I still have a lot to get done. Today will be a busy day. Caleb has his 8th grade award ceremony today. I have a doctor's appointment with my psychiatrist that is virtual. Caleb has his new therapist coming over after school. 

    The living room does not look better, but I have cleared a lot of laundry from the laundry room, and cleared most of the path to the back door. Caleb took the trash and recycling out as I directed. 

    Last week I got in touch with USAA regarding the car accident, and made my recorded statement. I clearly stated that 1) I was not the driver, 2) I was not in the car, 3) I was not at the accident, and 4) I told Christinia not to let anyone else drive my car. 

    Friday I had the phone call appointment for Caleb's Social Security claim. I found out that I make too much money for him to get approved.

    Traffic is really picking up as tourists start visiting for the Summer. 

    Caleb only has 2 days of school left this school year and he's done for the Summer!

    I am going to continue cleaning today while Caleb is at school. I need to hop in the shower and do what my dad says, "Defunk and re-rag!" 

    I've been able to slow down this weekend, and pace myself. It's been great! Hape' is helping me, and so is kratomade. I'm so ready to have a clean house though. I just tell myself, "One step at a time..."

    I haven't been doing much with my business lately. I've been too busy with DSS , CPS, and other appointments. I want to be able to get some sessions scheduled though.

    I'm still waiting to hear from the VA regarding my disability claims, pension, and Aid & Attendance. I'm praying they approve them all. 

    ADHD medication is in a shortage nationwide. It's going to be Hell when Caleb runs out of his supply. 

    Bubba is learning how to behave when he is out of his crate. I don't mind Bubba being out of his crate when Caleb is with him. Otherwise, I can't keep my eyes on him to make sure he isn't having accidents in the house. 

    Nana was feeling better yesterday. Thank God! She suffers so much pain. I need to schedule her Reiki sessions. 

    I am not drinking Diet Mountain Dew anymore. I am now drinking zero sugar Sprite and sparkling water. Nana told us that soda kills the intestine linings and we all need to quit to drinking so much soda. It's going to be a hard change.

    I need to quit vaping. It's expensive and bad for my health. It's a bad habit that is hard to break. I'm looking for alternative breathing devices that will simulate the hand-to-mouth action I am addicted to. I think I have a device I can use on my necklace. I also have a CalmiGo device for my anxiety. 

    I got my Virta account reinstated. I just need to watch the intro videos and complete the intro appointment. 

    Now that I am not feeling as much pain, I am hoping to begin walking on my incline trainer again. I just have to clean the living room first. 

    All my energy is focused on getting this house cleaned, and getting healthier. When I am able to do more, I do more. It's been so long that I have lived with these pains. I am so far behind on my cleaning. I have had so many appointments, that I am hardly home! 

    It's now 0459. Caleb will be getting up at 0530. 

    I've got a lot to do. I'm going to go ahead and get my medications ready.

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day!

Pain

     It is now 0507 and I have been up and down all morning. I woke up because my back and pelvis hurt. My medication must have worn off, so I got up and took it by itself. I couldn't go back to sleep. The pain medication takes a long time to work. I don't know if I already wrote about what the doctor told me about my MRI. I have mild degenerative changes in my spine, which the doctor called arthritis. I already knew I had osteoarthritis in my  hips from the x-ray imaging. I'm just glad that Dr. Thomas was able to prescribe something new for me. She mentioned an anti-depressant that is also used for pain that I could try in the future too. I told her I didn't want to change my anti-depressant, because it works for me, to something I don't know if it will work. I spent an hour with Dr. Thomas. She is taking Dr. Fuchs' place while she is out on maternity leave. She had to press on my lower back and pelvis to see where it was hurting. I intentionally did not take kratom that day, so I could feel where she was touching me, and where it was hurting.  Kratom helps alot with my back pain, but even some days my pain is too much. 

    Now you may be thinking, if she is a Reiki Master, why doesn't she heal herself? I use Reiki on myself frequently, however, Reiki works in its own timing. All I can do is practice it, and wait patiently. Sometimes I'm so tired and in so much pain that I can't function. I've been using plant medicine such as kratom, hemp products, and hape' to try to control my pain levels and my ability to work. When I remember to take them all, I feel so much better. My memory is not good, and I'm sure it has to do with my CPTSD and my inability to get quality sleep regularly. I was using delta-9 with thc to help me sleep without so much pain. I was tempted to take a delta-9 gummy last night because my pain was bad. 

    I don't remember doing much yesterday, other than going to Walmart and Food Lion, but when I got home, did I hurt! I thought I was going to be able to make pork chops for dinner, but instead Caleb made us all frozen pizza. Now, most 41 year women can do simple grocery shopping on a Sunday without pain, but not me. Yesterday was the first day I took 3 doses of the new medication, the maximum per day. 

    I wanted to get the laundry done yesterday, but I never got it started. I didn't want to bend over for fear of how much it would hurt. I was so tired too.

    I'm trying a new supplement, OPositiv FLO Ovarian Support, to see if it helps my menopause/PCOS symptoms.

    I'm taking a supplement for liver detox and cleanse because it was said to me that I have an enlarged and fatty liver after an ultrasound. I hope it works.

    Yeah so, even I need extra help outside the VA healthcare, Community Care, and my own Reiki care. I'll do almost anything to get healthy again, and live pain-free. 

    It is now 0703. I took a break and went to chat with Nana. Then I took Caleb to the bus stop. Anyway, I'm back now.

    I don't know what I want to do today yet. Jessica has been telling me she is coming over but then at the last minute things happen and she can't make it. I need help cleaning the house. I can't call Ashley anymore because of what happened with her boyfriend's post on my account. I had to block her account. I avoid her now. 

    I know I need to wash laundry. Today is trash pickup day, so it would be good to make sure all the trash is taken out to the road for pickup. The kitchen is a disaster because yesterday Caleb poured baking soda and cleaning vinegar on the floor. He picked most of it up, but didn't get everything. I don't know how I am going to be able to clean it up. Bending over hurts. I need to clean Caleb's room too. I don't look forward to that. Bubba had ana accident in there and Caleb did not clean it all up like he should have. I'm left to clean it up, since he has school, and I have no appointments today. Thank God for that! I'm so tired of appointments. When I have appointments, I can't do anything else in the day. It takes all the energy I have just to get to the appointment and back. When I come home, I am exhausted.

    Bella is sleeping with Nana. Bubba is sleeping in his crate. Caleb is on the bus going to school. I am just sitting here, feeling better than I did earlier this morning. I remembered to take my kratom this morning. Makes a huge difference in my pain levels. 

    My room needs to be cleaned too, but I need help. I have alot of stuff on the floor that I can't reach. I could use a shower too. I have to be careful because I don't want to get so tired and so much pain that I can't make dinner again. There are no more pizzas to go around!

    I was telling Nana about the little girl who was waving at me in Walmart with the biggest smile. So cute! I told her about the little yorkie this old man was carrying around there too, and the tall German Shepherd I saw. I told her about how an older woman helped me when she saw that my tag was hanging out. It was awesome! 

    Thank God for Nana because without her, I couldn't afford to buy our drinks. I ran out of money last week, and I had just gotten paid, but the bills... Ugh! The bills! I got the bills paid for, but had no money for groceries and gas left over. 

    I told Nigel, " I want you. Can I have you?" and he responded, "Yeah." LOL

    I want a life partner so badly. I don't want to be alone. I need more support than I currently have. I am praying that we get Caleb's Social Security application completed on the phone call that is coming up so they can go ahead and make a decision, hopefully in our favor. I am praying that all my VA claims are approved, leading me to getting Aid and Attendance. I need the help around the house. I might need help in the shower too. If I had help, I might be able to shower daily. I currently do not shower daily as it takes alot of energy, and when I am done, I am drained of life force. 

    Mallory, the social worker, is going to write me a letter to take to my doctor to request home health. I plan on sending it to the VA in relation to my claims. 

    It is now 0832. I have been shopping online for good deals. I just let the dogs out and talked to the people who are building the house next door. It is so loud! I'm glad Bubba isn't barking on top of the already loud noises. I still have to figure out what I want to try to do today. I need to get the laundry started, but don't want to hurt myself in the process. It has to get done though. I'm not looking forward to it. I need to clean Bubba's messes in Caleb's room too. I have no idea when the social workers will be back to check on progress made. I just want to get it done and over with. My back isn't hurting so much right now. My pelvis and back still have a dull ache. I might be able to work around it. I don't know for sure yet. I sure am thirsty. And HOT! All of a sudden out of nowhere comes these heat flashes that make me want to stay in my room where the temperature is the lowest in the house. 

    Here's the thing. I can get stuff done on my good days. On my bad days, I have to focus on caring for myself. Some days I can do more than other days. I struggle with a long list of handicaps, illnesses, and diseases. They all impact me all of the time. I never know how the day will go. I can't plan things in advance because I can't predict what my health will be like. I have to remain flexible. Trying to meet the demands of DSS is harder than it sounds because of all my health problems and Caleb's health problems too. If I could just figure out how to have consistent good days, and be pain-free all of the time, that would solve alot of my problems. That plus getting quality sleep every single night. I'm so tired already because I've been up at 0200, 0313, and finally got up and stayed up around 0400. I'm sweating now. I could use an ice bath. I need to find my hatch belt. It is supposed to help with back pain. I need to find it. I know I received it because I opened the box. I never took it out of it's original packaging though. It's here somewhere, along with my far-infrared belt. Both are to help me with my pain levels. I need to find both of them. I believe they are both here by my chair. I just need to be able to sort this stuff out and organize like I want it to be. There's so much work here. I am trying to take things slow and not put added pressure on myself to get this stuff done. I don't have to beat myself up to get things done. I don't have to abuse myself to get things. I shouldn't be made to feel guilty for having pain and needing more rest than a "normal" person. I am far from normal with all my health problems. I need to show myself some compassion and lots of love. 

    I asked Caleb for a hug yesterday. I hardly ever do that, but I really wanted a hug. It felt good to hug my son. He has grown up so much. He still has growing to do. He has come a long way. It wasn't easy. For those of you who are unaware, Caleb has ASD, ADHD, PTSD, and depression. We are just now getting the help we have needed for years. He is in therapy. I am going to start therapy soon.

    Just for the record, my list of health problems:

PTSD personal trauma

fibromyalgia

post stress fracture of the left hip with residual strain, chondromalacia and pelvic pain (limitation of flexion)

post fracture of the left hip with residual strain, chondromalacia and pelvic pain and thigh impairment

Autism Spectrum Disorder

post stress fracture of the right hip with residual strain, chondromalacia and pelvic ain (limitation of extension)

post stress fracture of the right hip with residual strain chondromalacia and pelvic pain (limitation of flexion)

PCOS

sleep apnea

post stress fracture of the right  hip with residual strain chondromalacia and pelvic pain, thigh impairment

major depression

post stress fracture of the right hip with residual strain chondromalacia and pelvic pain (limitation of extension)

lumbosacral strain

seizure disorder

borderline personality disorder

somatization disorder

paresthesia

psuedo tumor cerebri

chronic constipation

obesity

type 2 diabetes

foot pain

seizure

papilledema of bilateral eyes due to intracranial pressure

fibromyalgia

edema of optic disk

schizoaffective disorder

gastroesophageal reflux disease

chronic PTSD

myopia

military sexual trauma

chronic back pain

chronic pelvis pain

osteoarthritis

seasonal affective disorder

heat intolerance due to heat injuries

panic attacks

high blood pressure

high cholesterol

pain bending and squatting

IBS

    It's a long list! I tried to tell you! That's only what I've been able to identify as problematic. Apparently I also have other problems that are not diagnoses, like my fatty liver and lack of menstruation and heat flashes.

    Time is passing me by and I'm just sitting here trying to finish up this blog. I could use prayers, and so could Caleb and Nana. Nana deals with chronic pain from injuries to her knees. Her shoulders hurt her also. I believe Caleb also has IBS, but we haven't gotten him to the GI doctor yet to test him. 

    My new motto is "Slow down!!!" I try to do everything all at once and that is why I am failing. I need to take small, deliberate steps to making things happen. I don't know where all the stress and pressure I feel is coming from, but I don't deserve it. I don't want it. I ask it to return to sender. 

    Did I already write about how my Volvo is totaled?  Yeah. I lost a car. Both drivers are going to live with injuries. The person who driving my car, was not Christinia. It was her new neighbor who is also a disabled veteran. Well, it turns out he was driving while impaired. He T-boned a Cadillac SUV after running a red light. I am just so mad at him and Christinia and disappointed that Christinia let someone else drive my car even after I told her not to when I let her use it. It's fucked up and has me stressed out. I only calmed down after having a conversation with the police officer who wrote the report. Like WTF?! Now what are we going to do? She has no car to drive now. My car insurance is going to sky rocket. I lost a good driving vehicle that was in good shape. 2 people are seriously hurt. The guy owes me a car now! How am I going to get it? It's only fair! I feel like shaking my head. 

    Well, I can get the laundry started and then see how I feel. 

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day!

What just happened

     It is now 0313 and I am awake. My back hurts and I was hungry and thirsty. I took a Methocarbamol pill just now. It is my second dose so far. It's my new medication for my back pain.

    A few days ago I was taken to the emergency room due to being unresponsive. Caleb said I looked like I might be having a stroke. What happened was that I woke up around 0200 and had a second delta-9 gummy. I waited, and felt no relief, and decided to have more gummies than I should have at one time. I ate 1 opened bag, and 1 unopened bag of 20 ct. delta-9 thc gummies, and it hit me all at once. It waws way too strong. I don't remember what happened at all. I remember waking up at the emergency room, and wondering why I was there. I guess I really scared Caleb and Nana. That wasn't my intention. I was having back and pelvis pain when I woke up that morning. I wanted to go back to sleep too. I had a couple of gummies then something took over me and I didn't care that I kept eating the gummies. I wanted the candy too badly. 

    I am feeling somewhat better now. It has been a couple of days. My back still hurts. I was soo thirsty! I won't be doing that again. 

    I thought I had a lot to say, but I guess I don't. My pain is unbearable. I went to the doctor at the VA last week for it because of the time I had last Saturday. I was in bed most of the day in pain. Dr. Thomas is taking over for Dr. Fuchs while she is out having a baby. She prescribed me the Methocarbamol muscle relaxer for the muscle spasms she witnessed when doing my exam. I hope it takes care of all the pain so I can get to cleaning and organizing my home. 

    The department of Social Services was notified for the delta-9 incident and the conditions of the home. They were already involved due to the reports made late last year. 

    Caleb is almost done with this school year. His last day is the 29th.

    Caleb is doing ok now that I am back home. He was really worried.

    I've been thinking about how to stretch the money I make to last the whole month. It never works out. I never have enough for gas and groceries. I am able to pay my bills, but not have any in savings. I need 2 more reviews to be listed on heal.me. I need to get 2 other people to try my reiki sessions. 

    I am praying to get approved for all my VA claims to end in me getting Aid and Attendance. 

    It feels like the days are so short. I never get everything done that I want to get done without exhausting myself. I was exhausted when I took the gummies. I had 3 appointments the day before I woke up at 2am, and had done errand running. It's alot for me. I have Autism and am very sensitive. I tire easily because I am sensitive to everything. My pain never ceases. 

    Today is Sunday. Yesterday I rested for most of the day. Today I have to get laundry washed and clean up Caleb's room. 

    There is so much going on. I missed my first therapist appointment on Thursday. Caleb is almost done with the school year. We have Caleb in therapy and we have DSS involved. I am trying to make it to all my appointments. I'm dealing with chronic debilitating pains. I am trying to run the house without being healthy first. I am pushing through my pains to try to clean as much as I can every day. I will be glad when we no longer have to wake up at 0530 on the weekdays for Summer break. 

    Caleb's teachers bought him a pair of new shoes. It was really sweet of them. 

    Bella and Bubba got into a fight over dinner the other day. They have never fought before. Caleb broke them up, and got hurt in the process. He just has a scar on his leg from it. 

    I have been reaching out to Nigel more frequently lately. I'm tired of being alone. I want a life partner so badly. I would feel more secure if I had a life partner. 

    I have been feeling like everything is a battle I am fighting. I am fighting within my own body just to be. The pain is too much to deal with. It's nearly impossible to get things done. I was frustrated by the pain and inability to stay asleep. I felt the muscle spasms while I was lying in bed. It felt like the bed was moving because Bella was there, but she wasn't. 

    I am hoping for better days to come. I am hoping this new medication makes it easier to live and get things done. It was really driving me nuts that I can't do what I need to do to get out of DSS involvement. 

    Well, I'm going back to bed. It is only 0424 now and still dark outside. 

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day!