Pain

     It is now 0507 and I have been up and down all morning. I woke up because my back and pelvis hurt. My medication must have worn off, so I got up and took it by itself. I couldn't go back to sleep. The pain medication takes a long time to work. I don't know if I already wrote about what the doctor told me about my MRI. I have mild degenerative changes in my spine, which the doctor called arthritis. I already knew I had osteoarthritis in my  hips from the x-ray imaging. I'm just glad that Dr. Thomas was able to prescribe something new for me. She mentioned an anti-depressant that is also used for pain that I could try in the future too. I told her I didn't want to change my anti-depressant, because it works for me, to something I don't know if it will work. I spent an hour with Dr. Thomas. She is taking Dr. Fuchs' place while she is out on maternity leave. She had to press on my lower back and pelvis to see where it was hurting. I intentionally did not take kratom that day, so I could feel where she was touching me, and where it was hurting.  Kratom helps alot with my back pain, but even some days my pain is too much. 

    Now you may be thinking, if she is a Reiki Master, why doesn't she heal herself? I use Reiki on myself frequently, however, Reiki works in its own timing. All I can do is practice it, and wait patiently. Sometimes I'm so tired and in so much pain that I can't function. I've been using plant medicine such as kratom, hemp products, and hape' to try to control my pain levels and my ability to work. When I remember to take them all, I feel so much better. My memory is not good, and I'm sure it has to do with my CPTSD and my inability to get quality sleep regularly. I was using delta-9 with thc to help me sleep without so much pain. I was tempted to take a delta-9 gummy last night because my pain was bad. 

    I don't remember doing much yesterday, other than going to Walmart and Food Lion, but when I got home, did I hurt! I thought I was going to be able to make pork chops for dinner, but instead Caleb made us all frozen pizza. Now, most 41 year women can do simple grocery shopping on a Sunday without pain, but not me. Yesterday was the first day I took 3 doses of the new medication, the maximum per day. 

    I wanted to get the laundry done yesterday, but I never got it started. I didn't want to bend over for fear of how much it would hurt. I was so tired too.

    I'm trying a new supplement, OPositiv FLO Ovarian Support, to see if it helps my menopause/PCOS symptoms.

    I'm taking a supplement for liver detox and cleanse because it was said to me that I have an enlarged and fatty liver after an ultrasound. I hope it works.

    Yeah so, even I need extra help outside the VA healthcare, Community Care, and my own Reiki care. I'll do almost anything to get healthy again, and live pain-free. 

    It is now 0703. I took a break and went to chat with Nana. Then I took Caleb to the bus stop. Anyway, I'm back now.

    I don't know what I want to do today yet. Jessica has been telling me she is coming over but then at the last minute things happen and she can't make it. I need help cleaning the house. I can't call Ashley anymore because of what happened with her boyfriend's post on my account. I had to block her account. I avoid her now. 

    I know I need to wash laundry. Today is trash pickup day, so it would be good to make sure all the trash is taken out to the road for pickup. The kitchen is a disaster because yesterday Caleb poured baking soda and cleaning vinegar on the floor. He picked most of it up, but didn't get everything. I don't know how I am going to be able to clean it up. Bending over hurts. I need to clean Caleb's room too. I don't look forward to that. Bubba had ana accident in there and Caleb did not clean it all up like he should have. I'm left to clean it up, since he has school, and I have no appointments today. Thank God for that! I'm so tired of appointments. When I have appointments, I can't do anything else in the day. It takes all the energy I have just to get to the appointment and back. When I come home, I am exhausted.

    Bella is sleeping with Nana. Bubba is sleeping in his crate. Caleb is on the bus going to school. I am just sitting here, feeling better than I did earlier this morning. I remembered to take my kratom this morning. Makes a huge difference in my pain levels. 

    My room needs to be cleaned too, but I need help. I have alot of stuff on the floor that I can't reach. I could use a shower too. I have to be careful because I don't want to get so tired and so much pain that I can't make dinner again. There are no more pizzas to go around!

    I was telling Nana about the little girl who was waving at me in Walmart with the biggest smile. So cute! I told her about the little yorkie this old man was carrying around there too, and the tall German Shepherd I saw. I told her about how an older woman helped me when she saw that my tag was hanging out. It was awesome! 

    Thank God for Nana because without her, I couldn't afford to buy our drinks. I ran out of money last week, and I had just gotten paid, but the bills... Ugh! The bills! I got the bills paid for, but had no money for groceries and gas left over. 

    I told Nigel, " I want you. Can I have you?" and he responded, "Yeah." LOL

    I want a life partner so badly. I don't want to be alone. I need more support than I currently have. I am praying that we get Caleb's Social Security application completed on the phone call that is coming up so they can go ahead and make a decision, hopefully in our favor. I am praying that all my VA claims are approved, leading me to getting Aid and Attendance. I need the help around the house. I might need help in the shower too. If I had help, I might be able to shower daily. I currently do not shower daily as it takes alot of energy, and when I am done, I am drained of life force. 

    Mallory, the social worker, is going to write me a letter to take to my doctor to request home health. I plan on sending it to the VA in relation to my claims. 

    It is now 0832. I have been shopping online for good deals. I just let the dogs out and talked to the people who are building the house next door. It is so loud! I'm glad Bubba isn't barking on top of the already loud noises. I still have to figure out what I want to try to do today. I need to get the laundry started, but don't want to hurt myself in the process. It has to get done though. I'm not looking forward to it. I need to clean Bubba's messes in Caleb's room too. I have no idea when the social workers will be back to check on progress made. I just want to get it done and over with. My back isn't hurting so much right now. My pelvis and back still have a dull ache. I might be able to work around it. I don't know for sure yet. I sure am thirsty. And HOT! All of a sudden out of nowhere comes these heat flashes that make me want to stay in my room where the temperature is the lowest in the house. 

    Here's the thing. I can get stuff done on my good days. On my bad days, I have to focus on caring for myself. Some days I can do more than other days. I struggle with a long list of handicaps, illnesses, and diseases. They all impact me all of the time. I never know how the day will go. I can't plan things in advance because I can't predict what my health will be like. I have to remain flexible. Trying to meet the demands of DSS is harder than it sounds because of all my health problems and Caleb's health problems too. If I could just figure out how to have consistent good days, and be pain-free all of the time, that would solve alot of my problems. That plus getting quality sleep every single night. I'm so tired already because I've been up at 0200, 0313, and finally got up and stayed up around 0400. I'm sweating now. I could use an ice bath. I need to find my hatch belt. It is supposed to help with back pain. I need to find it. I know I received it because I opened the box. I never took it out of it's original packaging though. It's here somewhere, along with my far-infrared belt. Both are to help me with my pain levels. I need to find both of them. I believe they are both here by my chair. I just need to be able to sort this stuff out and organize like I want it to be. There's so much work here. I am trying to take things slow and not put added pressure on myself to get this stuff done. I don't have to beat myself up to get things done. I don't have to abuse myself to get things. I shouldn't be made to feel guilty for having pain and needing more rest than a "normal" person. I am far from normal with all my health problems. I need to show myself some compassion and lots of love. 

    I asked Caleb for a hug yesterday. I hardly ever do that, but I really wanted a hug. It felt good to hug my son. He has grown up so much. He still has growing to do. He has come a long way. It wasn't easy. For those of you who are unaware, Caleb has ASD, ADHD, PTSD, and depression. We are just now getting the help we have needed for years. He is in therapy. I am going to start therapy soon.

    Just for the record, my list of health problems:

PTSD personal trauma

fibromyalgia

post stress fracture of the left hip with residual strain, chondromalacia and pelvic pain (limitation of flexion)

post fracture of the left hip with residual strain, chondromalacia and pelvic pain and thigh impairment

Autism Spectrum Disorder

post stress fracture of the right hip with residual strain, chondromalacia and pelvic ain (limitation of extension)

post stress fracture of the right hip with residual strain chondromalacia and pelvic pain (limitation of flexion)

PCOS

sleep apnea

post stress fracture of the right  hip with residual strain chondromalacia and pelvic pain, thigh impairment

major depression

post stress fracture of the right hip with residual strain chondromalacia and pelvic pain (limitation of extension)

lumbosacral strain

seizure disorder

borderline personality disorder

somatization disorder

paresthesia

psuedo tumor cerebri

chronic constipation

obesity

type 2 diabetes

foot pain

seizure

papilledema of bilateral eyes due to intracranial pressure

fibromyalgia

edema of optic disk

schizoaffective disorder

gastroesophageal reflux disease

chronic PTSD

myopia

military sexual trauma

chronic back pain

chronic pelvis pain

osteoarthritis

seasonal affective disorder

heat intolerance due to heat injuries

panic attacks

high blood pressure

high cholesterol

pain bending and squatting

IBS

    It's a long list! I tried to tell you! That's only what I've been able to identify as problematic. Apparently I also have other problems that are not diagnoses, like my fatty liver and lack of menstruation and heat flashes.

    Time is passing me by and I'm just sitting here trying to finish up this blog. I could use prayers, and so could Caleb and Nana. Nana deals with chronic pain from injuries to her knees. Her shoulders hurt her also. I believe Caleb also has IBS, but we haven't gotten him to the GI doctor yet to test him. 

    My new motto is "Slow down!!!" I try to do everything all at once and that is why I am failing. I need to take small, deliberate steps to making things happen. I don't know where all the stress and pressure I feel is coming from, but I don't deserve it. I don't want it. I ask it to return to sender. 

    Did I already write about how my Volvo is totaled?  Yeah. I lost a car. Both drivers are going to live with injuries. The person who driving my car, was not Christinia. It was her new neighbor who is also a disabled veteran. Well, it turns out he was driving while impaired. He T-boned a Cadillac SUV after running a red light. I am just so mad at him and Christinia and disappointed that Christinia let someone else drive my car even after I told her not to when I let her use it. It's fucked up and has me stressed out. I only calmed down after having a conversation with the police officer who wrote the report. Like WTF?! Now what are we going to do? She has no car to drive now. My car insurance is going to sky rocket. I lost a good driving vehicle that was in good shape. 2 people are seriously hurt. The guy owes me a car now! How am I going to get it? It's only fair! I feel like shaking my head. 

    Well, I can get the laundry started and then see how I feel. 

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day!