Module 1

     I am completing the "A Year of Writing to Uncover the Authentic Self", by Daily Om. Module 1 for Week 1 is as follows:

1) What is standing in your way right now? 

    Right I have CPS and DSS on me about having an unsafe home. I am using all the energy and time I have to rectify it. I have no time or energy for anything else, and it is still taking longer than I wanted. 

    I am also 2 reviews short of having my heal.me account listed in the search engine.

    I have classes starting this week.

    My health is never predictable.

    My finances are tight.

2) What would happen if you overcame the obstacle? More importantly, what would happen if you didn't (think broadly emotionally, physically, financially, etc.)?

    If I could get my house clean, I would be able to get CPS and DSS of my case. If I can't, they will take Caleb away.

    If I could get 2 more reviews, my business would be listed on the search engine at heal.me. If I can't, I won't get customers.

    I want to actively participate in classes. If I can't, I won't learn what I want to learn.

    I want to manage my health however it comes and goes. If I can't, I won't have as many good days as I could.

    I want to make more money to be able to afford groceries and gas and get things I want and don't just need. If I can't, I will be struggling forever.

3) Can you reframe the most pressing current obstacle as simply a to-do-list? In other words, in order to overcome this, what do you need to learn? What tasks do you need to perform? Who do you need to convince?

    The most pressing obstacle is with CPS and DSS. It can be made into a chore chart. I need to teach Caleb how to clean the house.

4) Have you ever used an "obstacle" as an excuse not to get started? Did you regret it?

    Yes. Probably. 

5)Are obstacles really just fears holding you back?

    Possibly. I have a lot of health problems getting in the way of my cleaning. I have chronic back and pelvis pain. I know if I overdo it, I will spend the next few days in the bed.

6) What is the longest-running obstacle in your life?

    My health.

7) What steps have you used to make progress towards overcoming it? How far have you come with it? What do you wish would happen? How would that be possible?

    I stay in contact with my doctors and specialists. I take my medications as prescribed. I am feeling better, overall, but still dealing with chronic pain, constipation, and depression. I wish I could snap out of this depression. I wish I could get over my grief. It's not possible. It's something I have to live with. I miss my dad. Yesterday was Father's Day and he was not with us.

8) What is the biggest obstacle you faced in your past? Did you overcome it? If so, how? If not, why?

 The biggest obstacle I faced in my past was escaping Greensboro and enlisting in the Army. I did overcome it. I was a cocaine addict, and overcame my addiction to get clean and start a new life. I was not living the life I wanted. everything I did was a struggle. I fought to change. I did what I needed to do to get in the Army, and shipped out to basic training. 

    So, it's now 0238. I have been awake for more than an hour. I can't sleep. I keep waking up. I'm listening to my morning meditations now. I decided to try to write according to the journal prompts from this class. I hope I learn stuff. 

    Last weekend was bad. I woke up early Saturday morning and had a new energy supplement while I was awake. I woke up shaky and wanting doughnuts. Caleb and I went to the grocery store the earliest we have ever gone and bought a lot of candy, doughnuts, and cookies. I straight sugar binged, and had to go back to sleep. I slept for most of the day. I was not able to clean or cook. It was terrible. I was soo tired and exhausted. 

    Sunday was a little better. I slept in until noon, but I got up early to take my medications. I had cookies during the day and night. They are all gone now. Today I start a sugar-free day. 

    Caleb and I have family therapy today. Carla is coming over this morning. I have personal therapy tomorrow with a new therapist. Then Caleb and I have family therapy on Wednesday too. 

    I got paid on Friday and spent the whole day paying bills and grocery shopping. I bought ingredients to make keto chili again. 

    Bella is snoring under the table and dreaming. 

    I wonder if Nana is awake.

    My brain has gone blank. My meditation tracks are done playing.

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day!

    

Never finished...

      It is now 0248 and I have been up for about 20 minutes. I was trying to decide whether or not to go back to sleep. I decided to stay awake and see how I feel. 

    A couple of days ago I began cleaning around my workspace from my chair. I moved alot of things back to my room. I had alot already organized, just not put away. Caleb pulled alot of stuff from under the table, but did not bag it up. Yesterday I got paid and so spent my time paying bills and grocery shopping. I have been able to stay in ketosis for a few days in a row now. 

    I'm not really awake yet. 

    Yesterday Nana gave me $500 because I spent my whole payment on bills plus a new portable air conditioner. I went to Walmart for a few things plus ingredients to make my keto chili. I came back home with less than $100 left. She has been wanting to buy knee braces for a long time now, but we never get to buy them. Groceries are so expensive! All I did was buy groceries, put gas in the car, have lunch at Subway with the help from some gift cards, and get my vape juice and delta 9 gummies. Like damn! I have to find a way to make money from home during times I am not already busy. I thought I had this worked up with creating my own business. I do have that figured out, but I don't have any customers! I'm scared to show Nana the receipts. 

    I am planning on selling the clothes I have not worn yet, and donating the clothes that I have worn, but have not worn and will not wear again. It's alot of clothes. I have a whole closet full of clothes that I don't wear for one reason or another. Most still have their tags on them. I thought I might need to look nice to go to church or go on a date or something. Most days it's enough to just get out of bed. 

    I am separating the stuff I want to give to Chrsitinia and Harlee so that I can make a trip out there and deliver stuff that is just going to waste in boxes over here. I have homeschooling supplies that I am giving to them. I am going to share my crystals with Christinia. I am going to share my books with Christinia too.

    I want to get the shed re-organized so that I can store my stuff in there that belongs in there. I want to find my UNCW diploma to hang it up in the house. I want to put the Christmas tree in the shed. 

    I am trying to declutter and re-organize the house. I don't know how we accumulate so much trash and recycling. 

    I was supposed to make shrimp and broccoli for dinner yesterday, but forgot that I need to carry my afternoon med with me. I ate lunch but did not have my pain med with me, and my back began hurting before we got home. I brought in all the sodas from the trunk, and the groceries that Caleb left behind. It was heavy. I cleaned out the refrigerator and put the groceries away. By the time I was done, my back really hurt and I could see cleaning the kitchen to be able to cook. It would have been too much. I had a slice of keto bread. I made Nana some ravioli, a turkey and cheese sandwich, and brought her string cheese and yogurt plus a pudding for her dinner. 

    I want to get this house cleaned. I have been working on it for a long time now. I move stuff around only to make another mess somewhere else. I take trash out, only to find more trash. 

    I have been listening to the "Genius Wave" and "the Wealth Signal" the past few days. I am trying to see if they will help me. The Genius wave is supposed to cause more theta brain waves, and the Wealth signal is supposed to cause more alpha brain waves. 

    I want to get the shed cleaned out today. I have to be able to start as soon as the sun rises. It's going to take all day. It's going to get hot. 

    

Early morning wakeup

     It is now 0542, and I have been awake for about an hour. I already took my morning medications. I'm just sitting here quietly thinking to myself. 

    I walk around living in a self-made war. I'm fighting battles every time I see DSS, or CPS. I have to defend myself constantly. I have to prove I'm disabled all the time. Why? I live on disability payments, haven't I done enough to prove that I am disabled already? Why don't they trust what I'm saying to them? Why would I lie? What do I have to gain by lying about having the disabilities I have? 

    If I had a record of how my average day goes, I could present it to them. As it is, I have a list of my disabilities, and a list of all my prescribed medications. I have a long medical history with the VA. Do they need to review my medical records? I just want to stop this cycle of abuse that I am receiving. Nothing I say matters. 

    I've told them that I clean all the time. It is not noticeable because Caleb creates messes twice as fast as I clean. I just need some time off. I am so tired. I just want to sleep for a week. Parenting is not for the faint-hearted. Especially not my child with Autism Spectrum Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, ADHD, and PTSD.

    I found out Friday that Jamie McCurry has passed away. His cousin messaged me the obituary link. We now have no easy way to do a paternity test. It is suspected that he committed suicide due to his PTSD. It came as a surprise to Nana and me because I was just having suicidal thoughts on Tuesday, and Jamie died on May 31, 2024. 

    On a different topic, I made it back into ketosis yesterday at 0.9! My weight has come down to 308.8lbs. as of today. Eating my chili is really helpful because I make a big pot of chili to eat for the week, and then I don't have to worry about whether my diet is keto or not because it is.

    Yesterday was Saturday. It was harder on me than I thought it would be. I just couldn't get started working. I wanted to clean the living room with Caleb's help. I got no cleaning done yesterday. I blame Jamie's suicide. I didn't know him well. We met only once when we were both stationed in Korea. I remember having drinks with him. 7 months later I find out I'm pregnant while I was in the ER to get pain medication for my kidney stones. 

    My new pain medication is helping me now. I might be able to start walking on my incline trainer soon. I am looking forward to it. We have to clean the living room up first. I am looking forward to getting healthier and more fit. I want to be strong like I was before.

    Carla and Tyrone are coming over at 1:00pm today. I want to take a shower and put a dress on. 

    Caleb has his therapy appointments twice this week. Other than that, I have to schedule his dentist appointment. I have to schedule my dental consult too. I have a lot of things that I need to call about for Nana's health.

    The toilets are clogged and Caleb did everything he could think of to try to fix it. I had to request a plumber from my home warranty company, American Home Shield. The plumber they use does not work on the weekends. Thank God we bought Nana a portable toilet to use when this happens.

    I hope today is a better day to work. It gets hot in the afternoons. The electric bill is almost $400 this month due to using air conditioning and heating all day. I have a central a/c for the house, and a portable a/c in my room, with a a window unit in the living room. However, Nana gets cold and has a heater on in her room, and so does Caleb. 

    I still have laundry to wash. I still have dishes to wash. I need to get these floors steam cleaned badly. We are dealing with having only about $10 or so until Nana gets paid again. I don't get paid for another week. 

    I am thinking I am going to quit vaping soon because I don't have the money to continue. It's not going to be easy to break the habit. Vaping keeps me from smoking a pack a day. 

    It's almost time to wake Caleb up. I thought about messaging Christinia , but it is still early for her.

    I miss my dad. Father's day is coming up and he isn't here. 

    I know he would have had something to say to Crystal, the CPS worker, on Tuesday.

    I kinda want to go back to bed. I just want to sleep. I am tired. I stay exhausted from the stress and pressure I'm under. I need to clean today though. I'm dying to get this kitchen cleaned up so I can spray for bugs. 

    I'm going to go ahead and jump in the shower and "defunk and re-rag" as my dad use to say.

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day!

A different perspective

 Blessed beyond measure but still struggling with everyday tasks due to my health and my limitations. I have a home to live in, but I am struggling to get it cleaned to standard. I am able to pay the essential bills, but not the credit cards. I am able to buy gas and groceries some of the times, but not all of the times. I don't make enough money to pay for everything we need. I am struggling to get the reviews I need for my heal.me account to be fully verified. There isn't enough time in the day, and I don't have enough energy to keep pushing past my limitations all day long like I need to. I am looking for a remedy to increase my energy. First I need to make sure I am getting quality sleep at night, which I am not currently. I wake up repeatedly and then get up tired and sore in the morning when my alarm sounds.

    I am winding down on taking herbal supplements. I will continue to take kratomade as it helps right away with my pain levels. I will continue using hape' because it is helpful. I am not seeing the benefit of taking all these herbal supplements. I hoped they would help, but I don't feel like they are doing much of anything for me. I am taking a Liver Renew cleanser for my fatty liver. I am taking Amberen menopause supplement that is supposed to reduce my hot flashes and night sweats. I don't know if it's working for me. I am taking O Positiv for my ovarian health.

    I am always trying to do more than I am able to do in one day and then totally exhaust myself by the end of the day. I have so much work to do. I am just sitting here blogging at 1105 because I have a lot on my mind.

    Christinia has internet again, and called me yesterday. We talked for a long time because it has been so long since we last communicated. I called my Granny and Pepere and spoke to them until they had to charge their phone. My mom called me and I spoke with her. I guess yesterday can be called a mental health day. I really didn't get much work done.

    Now we are dealing with clogged toilets in the house. Both toilets are flushing right. I requested a plumber through my home warranty service. They are supposed to call within 24 hours.

    Domino's is having a 50% off all pizzas sale right now. Nana wants to try the NY style pizza while it is on sale, so we will order her one later on today.

    I am doing ok on my Virta diet. I am down to 309.8lbs as of today. I can't wait to be below 300lbs again!

    I'm moving slowly this morning. I woke up tired like I hadn't slept at all. I got up at 0700. Just taking things slowly so I don't hurt myself. I have to get this house cleaned up. It's a lot of work and I require a lot of rest breaks because the work itself makes me hurt my back even more. I'm thinking about having a keto tortilla with melted cheese on it rolled up for lunch.

    I need my cup of coffee. I have started drinking my coffee again in the morning. It's my only source of caffeine. I added Hershey's Special Dark cacao to my coffee, along with mushroom coffee, Splenda, and almondmilk. It turns out good.

    I am just thinking. Half the day is already gone, and I have done very little. I did manage to do my morning routines. Both Caleb and I got our medications this morning. I drank my kratomade. I took my glucose reading which was high at 180 before I had anything to eat. I think it's high because I ate coleslaw last night when I got up around 2200. I got my face cleaned, and hair brushed, deodorant on, and body spray on. That's how I start a good day. I am trying to add brushing my teeth back to my morning routine. I don't know. I think my depression mixed with my Autism is making brushing my teeth hard for me to do.

    Caleb made me coffee! It's coffee time!

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day!

more drama

     Yesterday Crystal, the CPS social worker, had to stop by to talk about the new report that was made by Caleb's therapist. I believe it was Sunday that Caleb and I got into a fight. I was simply asking him to pick up the trash off the living room floor, and he told me no several times. I told him I was going to change the wifi password, and that's when he came over to my workspace where I was sitting, and began to push the screen on my laptop. He stood there, even after I told him to walk away and go to his room. He refused to get out of my space. Then he pressed his 2 fingers into my arm. After telling him to stop several times, and him refusing, I folded my fingers to only use 3 and hit him on the arm. It left no marks. I wanted him to realize I was serious about him not touching me. I didn't want to go too far, but I had to find a way to make him stop his behavior. I then did change the wifi password. There was loud arguing during the whole scenario.

    Anyway, I told Katelyn, Caleb's therapist that that's what happened over the weekend, and she said she had to report it to DSS. Crystal came over yesterday and really pushed my buttons. I got loud with her as I was standing up for myself. Everything I said to Crystal, she argued with. Nothing I said of my experiences were right according to her. My health doesn't matter according to her. It doesn't matter that I live with chronic pains from multiple sources. It doesn't matter that I am stuck in bed several days a week. Or that I spend so much time going to appointments, and am not home to clean. She even told me that she spends $400/month on groceries and that I make more than enough to feed my family. Here I am struggling to buy groceries throughout the month, but I am wrong about that too! Everything I said was wrong to her. I was so angry and frustrated! 

    So now we have a new care plan. I am supposed to call the police if Caleb puts me in a similar situation to what he did on Sunday. 

    I was in tears. I did not want to keep living when Crystal went out to her vehicle to call her supervisor. I actually thought, maybe I would be better off dead. I'm so tired of fighting. I'm just tired period. I can't get enough sleep. 

    I messaged Nigel, Rachel, and my mom about it. They told me suicide is not the answer. 

    According to Crystal, the house is the way it is because of me. She says I have a hoarding problem. She asks why I have so many books, like they are a problem? Why is my personal library that is properly bookcases and shelved a hoarding problem? She says Caleb didn't make the messes, although he did. She doesn't think he should be cleaning up his own messes. I do. I absolutely think he should be cleaning up his own messes. I can't clean up after Caleb anymore. My health won't allow it. I can't pick his stuff off the floor for him. I can't bend over without back pain and pelvis pain. 

    She took more photos. She complained that the house was worse than when she was here a few days ago. Caleb just started Summer break! We have only just begun! 

    I tried telling her that I can't move as fast as I use to, and I hate it. Caleb and I both have mental health problems, that's why we are in therapy. She told me she talked to my therapist, and he feels like I withheld information from him. I don't know what to do about him. I don't want to work with him. I don't feel supported by him. 

    Today is a different day. I am feeling better. I am hoping for a better day. Caleb's therapist comes back over at 1pm, and Carla comes over at 2pm. It is now 0733. Caleb and I have been awake since about 0430. 

    I have been working on the kitchen area. I made progress, but it doesn't look like it. I still have more work to do. I am hoping Jessica makes it over today. I have been waiting for her to come help us. 

    I still have laundry to clean. I need Caleb to clean his room. 

    I still have to do my personal hygiene routines this morning. I need a shower too. 

    I guess I will get going.

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day!