Early morning wakeup

     It is now 0542, and I have been awake for about an hour. I already took my morning medications. I'm just sitting here quietly thinking to myself. 

    I walk around living in a self-made war. I'm fighting battles every time I see DSS, or CPS. I have to defend myself constantly. I have to prove I'm disabled all the time. Why? I live on disability payments, haven't I done enough to prove that I am disabled already? Why don't they trust what I'm saying to them? Why would I lie? What do I have to gain by lying about having the disabilities I have? 

    If I had a record of how my average day goes, I could present it to them. As it is, I have a list of my disabilities, and a list of all my prescribed medications. I have a long medical history with the VA. Do they need to review my medical records? I just want to stop this cycle of abuse that I am receiving. Nothing I say matters. 

    I've told them that I clean all the time. It is not noticeable because Caleb creates messes twice as fast as I clean. I just need some time off. I am so tired. I just want to sleep for a week. Parenting is not for the faint-hearted. Especially not my child with Autism Spectrum Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, ADHD, and PTSD.

    I found out Friday that Jamie McCurry has passed away. His cousin messaged me the obituary link. We now have no easy way to do a paternity test. It is suspected that he committed suicide due to his PTSD. It came as a surprise to Nana and me because I was just having suicidal thoughts on Tuesday, and Jamie died on May 31, 2024. 

    On a different topic, I made it back into ketosis yesterday at 0.9! My weight has come down to 308.8lbs. as of today. Eating my chili is really helpful because I make a big pot of chili to eat for the week, and then I don't have to worry about whether my diet is keto or not because it is.

    Yesterday was Saturday. It was harder on me than I thought it would be. I just couldn't get started working. I wanted to clean the living room with Caleb's help. I got no cleaning done yesterday. I blame Jamie's suicide. I didn't know him well. We met only once when we were both stationed in Korea. I remember having drinks with him. 7 months later I find out I'm pregnant while I was in the ER to get pain medication for my kidney stones. 

    My new pain medication is helping me now. I might be able to start walking on my incline trainer soon. I am looking forward to it. We have to clean the living room up first. I am looking forward to getting healthier and more fit. I want to be strong like I was before.

    Carla and Tyrone are coming over at 1:00pm today. I want to take a shower and put a dress on. 

    Caleb has his therapy appointments twice this week. Other than that, I have to schedule his dentist appointment. I have to schedule my dental consult too. I have a lot of things that I need to call about for Nana's health.

    The toilets are clogged and Caleb did everything he could think of to try to fix it. I had to request a plumber from my home warranty company, American Home Shield. The plumber they use does not work on the weekends. Thank God we bought Nana a portable toilet to use when this happens.

    I hope today is a better day to work. It gets hot in the afternoons. The electric bill is almost $400 this month due to using air conditioning and heating all day. I have a central a/c for the house, and a portable a/c in my room, with a a window unit in the living room. However, Nana gets cold and has a heater on in her room, and so does Caleb. 

    I still have laundry to wash. I still have dishes to wash. I need to get these floors steam cleaned badly. We are dealing with having only about $10 or so until Nana gets paid again. I don't get paid for another week. 

    I am thinking I am going to quit vaping soon because I don't have the money to continue. It's not going to be easy to break the habit. Vaping keeps me from smoking a pack a day. 

    It's almost time to wake Caleb up. I thought about messaging Christinia , but it is still early for her.

    I miss my dad. Father's day is coming up and he isn't here. 

    I know he would have had something to say to Crystal, the CPS worker, on Tuesday.

    I kinda want to go back to bed. I just want to sleep. I am tired. I stay exhausted from the stress and pressure I'm under. I need to clean today though. I'm dying to get this kitchen cleaned up so I can spray for bugs. 

    I'm going to go ahead and jump in the shower and "defunk and re-rag" as my dad use to say.

    Thank you for reading! Keep us in your prayers! Have a blessed day!