Another day

     Yesterday I kept Caleb home to help me clean the house. We have an inspection today by the social worker. I could not clean up by myself. We got some work done, but more needs to be done so he is staying home today too. We have to be able to pass inspection. I needed help with getting the living room clean and getting Caleb's room clean. I got the laundry started. I vacuumed the hallway and steam-cleaned the carpet. I began picking up in the living room Caleb's disaster area. Caleb began cleaning his room. He needs to clean it to the point where nothing is on the floor so I can vacuum and steam clean the carpet in there too.

    I am feeling more grounded by using hape'. I am definitely calmer. I got my Celebrex in the mail yesterday. I used a dose with my night time meds. I woke up early. It's now 0450. 

    I worked slowly yesterday so I would not hurt myself. I have chronic back and pelvis pain. It is hard to clean the house. 

    I am focused on getting this house clean. Dealing with CPS is no joke. Caleb is taking it seriously too. He has so much stuff cluttering the living room. I need the floor cleared so I can vacuum and steam clean the carpet. 

    I just want to stay in bed all day. It's hard to get moving. I'm coughing alot of mucus up. I might be sick. 

    I need to go ahead and check the laundry. I haven't taken my morning meds yet. Bella just came out to have water.

    I have taken my morning meds including the Celebrex. I hope today goes well. 

    I can't tell you how much I hate having to deal with CPS. I feel discriminated against because I am disabled and a single parent trying to run this house with a teenager with special needs. For whatever reason I cannot get him to clean up after himself. Whether it's the ADHD or the ODD or both. It's a big deal to get him to clean. I don't think Autism has anything to do with this. I can't clean up after him like I did when he was little. My body can't handle it. I'm in too much pain all of the time. If Caleb would just pick up after himself, we wouldn't have to clean up this mess. 

    I refuse to hit my son. I have never hit him. I will never hit him. I have understood from the time he was young that he needs help. I have known all this time that he just doesn't get it. I belong to parenting groups, but I have not been paying attention lately. Parenting a child with special needs is not the same as parenting a child without special needs. I am just trying to work through our problems to the best of my ability. Caleb is so different from me. I always cleaned up. I hated having a dirty room. I think Caleb could live in a landfill and wouldn't care. That's what the inside of our house looks like. If I could just get him to follow instructions. When I tell him to do something, he does not complete the task. If I tell him to take the trash out, he will take it to the door and leave it. How hard can it be to take the trash outside to the trash bin? When I say take the boxes out and break them down, he leaves them on the porch. When I say to get Nana's dishes, he leaves them on the kitchen island. He does not empty the dishes and put them in the sink where they belong. I don't have Caleb clean the dishes. I don't trust him to not get us sick. Caleb puts away the clean dishes from the dishwasher and the dish strainer. I wash the dishes and prewash the dishes for the dishwasher. Caleb leaves his clothes everywhere. There are brand new clothes on my incline trainer. There are dirty clothes all over the floor in his room. How hard could it be to put clean clothes where they belong? Or dirty clothes in a basket? 

    Normally I have alot of doctor appointments that keep me from being at home during the day. If that's not where I am, I am likely grocery shopping or running errands. The point is I'm not home alot during the week. Neither is Caleb. Normally he is in school now. I got him back in public school so Monday through Friday he is gone from 0630 to 1600. When he comes home, we are both tired from working all day. If we are lucky I will have energy to make dinner. We are only home on the weekends. Last weekend I got nothing done. I don't know what was wrong with me. I was just exhausted feeling. I just wanted to rest all day. Pain doesn't help me. 

    I don't like that I had to keep Caleb home to fix these cleaning problems we have, but I had no choice. I could not let the inspection be of what it was in here. I had to get the hallway cleaned up for sure. Bella had accidents but my back pain wouldn't allow me to clean it up right away. I hated that. I finally got it cleaned up yesterday. I hate having a messy house. It's depressing and overwhelming all at once. I have to fight to get it cleaned up. Fight myself. Fight Caleb. Not physically, but before I used hape' there were alot of arguments. 

    If I could have cleaned it by myself , I would have. I can't manage to get it done alone. I tried on Tuesday. I got nowhere. I have major depression, Seasonal Affective Disorder, and chronic pain in several areas. It's hard for me to do anything. I am not able to work a job, and this is a job in itself. I'm doing the best I can with what I have available to me. 

    I use to be able to pay someone to help. I don't have the money anymore. I have applied with VA so they can consider me for Aid & Attendance. I need help with alot of things. I hope they don't take forever to make a decision in my favor. 

    I have been using hape' to calm myself down and be grounded. It is helping alot. I feel more in my own body. I can't explain it to someone who has never felt out of body. I just don't feel grounded usually. I am not centered either. Pain and CPTSD keep me from wanting to feel my body. I am taking the kratomade in the morning too. It helps reduce the pain significantly. 

    I asked to be referred to talk therapy by my psychiatrist. I don't know if that is happening or not. I need someone to talk to about Caleb's conception. I am waiting for Arkansas to find Jamie McCurry and get a paternity test done. I don't understand what is taking so long. I could avoid alot of problems if I had child support payments coming in. 

    I wish I was better at promoting my business. I don't have alot of time devoted to running it. I hope things will get better. Hape' helps me slow down and not be so filled with anxiety. I can only do what I can do. If I do my best, how can I do better? 

    The birds are chirping outside. I am waiting for Caleb to wake up. It is now 0638. I guess I should get started over here. 

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

What's the plan?

     So yesterday I spent the day going to Wilmington. I had to turn in my saliva labs, do other labwork, and was supposed to get my Celebrex. I didn't want to wait forever for the Celebrex, so I didn't. I was offered coffee on the way out. I had half a cup with one vanilla creamer and some Splenda. While I was chatting with the veteran volunteers, another veteran came from behind me and says "Madam.... you are looking good today!" I thanked him and had a big smile. He was an older veteran wearing a veteran hat. Before I left I stopped to renew my VA health card. After that, I left and went to Fresh Market to look for Portuguese rolls. I got frustrated with the GPS, and decided not to go to Apple Annie's to see if they had sold Portuguese rolls. Fresh Market did not have them, but they did sell the mozarella burrata that Nana was looking for, sold I bought her some of that. I then went to the Asian Life Market to buy a big container of kimchi. After that I went to Harris Teeter in Leland to buy the shrimp they had on sale. I went home finally, and just in time to let the dogs out. My back was hurting and so was my left hip area. I don't know why. 

    Today I might go to Walmart. I haven't decided. I need a few things. Carla is coming over at 1300 to have a bible study. I need to get cleaning this house. I was away all day yesterday. I figured that I had to go for labs, so why not make the most of the trip? I kind of just want to stay home today. My pelvis hurts in the front. Like it's tight. I need to start a stretching routine. I was planning on taking a shower today, but it's so cold. It is 40 degrees outside, and my hand was freezing from holding the flashlight. Glad to be back inside. 

    I am thawing out the shrimp I bought to be able to cook it soon. The social worker is coming on Thursday afternoon to check the house out. I gotta make some progress. I've been so lazy. It's part of my major depression and seasonal affective disorder. I just want to spend all day in bed. It doesn't help that I am always feeling pain in my body. 

    Caleb has got to help me when he comes home. I already let him know, so there's no surprise. I'm tired even now. It's 0706 now. I got Caleb on the bus and now trying to figure out how to maximize my day. I need to get the hallway pet vac'd and steam cleaned. 

    I'm going to chat with Nana. Talking with her always helps me. I miss my dad. We always laughed. 

    I want to work on my books. I am going to try to self-publish some of my writing. I probably can't do it this week though. 

    Hape' has been helping me. I hate that it is expensive. I am so much more grounded when I use hape'. 

    I have to remember to take my kratomade in the mornings to get rid of my pain. 

    The problem with having so much work to do right now is that I have to work through my pain to get it done. I finally submitted my VA claim. Only God knows how long it will take to get a decision. I know they are always behind and trying to catch up. I wish they would hire more workers to be more efficient. 

    It looks like the sun is coming out today. I can be glad for that. It really didn't show much yesterday. 

    I reached out to Lella Stevens, one of my battle buddies from Korea. We caught up a little bit. It was nice. I am still in contact with Christinia Ellis. She was the one who made sure I made it to the hospital to give birth to Caleb. Lella brought me clothes to wear to wear while I was at the hospital. I reached out to Tyler Dreisow too. He was a friend of mine who would come over and share dinner with me. We would have steaks on Friday nights. I invited them all to the website, "Together We Served."

    I didn't get much accomplished over the weekend like I wanted to. I just couldn't get moving. I was trying to direct Caleb on what to do. It seemed like a complete waste. I did get hard boiled eggs made. I did at some point cook the pork bone-in picnic roast. I did get some dishes washed and others loaded into the dishwasher. I did try to keep on Caleb about getting the laundry done. I did try to make sure all the trash and recycling went out on Sunday to be picked up on Monday. I just want to go to bed. 

    I have the appointment with the social worker on Thursday afternoon. That means I need to prepare for inspection. I have a phone call appointment with Dr. Kent on Friday afternoon. That means I need to update my biomarkers spreadsheet. Carla is coming over at 1300 today. I just want to make the most of the time and energy I have. 

    I wish I could afford to advertise my business. I wish I could market it better. One thing at a time. I've got alot on my plate. 

    I feel like I am ready to get started on something. 

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

      

Yesterday

     Yesterday was exhausting. I took Caleb to school because he had his IEP appointment that we both had to attend. The meeting went well. I then went searching for Cherry Skoal pouches. I couldn't find them anywhere on the way home. I came home and applied for food stamps again. I have a feeling they will deny me again, but I felt called to apply just in case. My mortgage has gone up by more than $300 a month because of the escrow payments needed to pay the insurance and the taxes. I need help from somewhere. Then I drove to Wilmington and had my appointment with my primary care provider. That appointment went well too. I ended up drifting to sleep while I waited for the nurse to give me a Covid shot. By the time I was done there, I felt like going home. I did not have enough time before closing to do the labs or go to the pharmacy like I wanted. I am going to go back on Monday to deliver my saliva labs. Then I will do my other labs while I am there and stop by the pharmacy. I came home so tired that I could not even heat my dinner up. I ate only a slice of keto bread to take my night medications. I went to bed as early as I could. I totally used delta-8 to try to relieve the pain in my back and pelvis and sleep through the night. I woke up wanting to eat something and found pistachios to eat. I ended up waking every couple of hours last night and snacking on them. 

    TGIF!

    I am so glad this week is over. I just want to rest and recover from yesterday. I got Caleb on the bus this morning. I don't have appointments today. Well, I am supposed to meet Lisa at the Lowe's Foods and we are going to have lunch and go to the beach. That's only if I feel up to it. We have been trying to meet on her days off for a long time now. We never make it. I always look for her when I shop at Lowe's Foods because she works in the meat department. 

    It looks like the sun is coming out this morning. The birds are chirping. I still haven't finished my morning routines. I still have to freshen up.

    Christinia got the Volvo back from the auto shop. I am happy about that. It got fixed. It was the fule pump relay that needed to be replaced. I'm glad she had help paying for the work done  because I don't have any savings. 

    I don't know how things are going to go this month. I am broke but I was able to pay the bills. I have no money for gas or groceries for another 2 weeks. I wish I could get my business running to where I have a consistent income. Nana is going to do 2 Reiki appointments with me next week and write reviews that I need to complete my heal.me profile. 

    I am waiting to hear about what is going on with the child support case I filed. I haven't gotten any news lately. Jamie McCurry owes me 15 years worth of child support so far. I don't know why it is so hard for Arkansas to get him to take the paternity test. I'm struggling over here trying to raise a child on my disability payments. 

    I reviewed my personal statement for my VA claim. I am adding more information. I want to submit it as soon as I can. I want Nana to help me so that I don't leave anything out. I don't want to forget anything. This case is so important.

    I am going to call up the organization that is helping Christinia these days to see if they can help me too. 

    I still gotta get the Mazda inspected and renew the registration on it. I finally got my driver's license in the mail. I am waiting on my Hatch heating/massage/light therapy belt to be shipped. 

    I don't know. I have to find a way to get more income. I can't hold a job. I am disabled to the point of not being able to work. I thought I could provide Reiki if the schedule allowed me to blend with all my appointments. The way I have it set up is that my personal calendar determines which appointments are available. That way I am not double booked. I still need to get up with Dawn because I owe her an appointment for a review. 

    Caleb and I are going to house cleaning this weekend. I can't manage to clean by myself. I have been going out almost every day this week. I had to do grocery shopping for several days. We had appointments too. I just haven't been home long enough to make progress. I have been so tired too. It has been a struggle all week. I need to get the laundry going again. I need to clean the kitchen too. Those are things that I can do today. We have leftovers so I am not worried about cooking dinner tonight. I need Caleb to clean his room. I need Caleb's help to vacuum the hallway and living room and then steam clean the carpet. I don't know why it is such a struggle to just get it done already. 

    It was my Granny's birthday the other day. I gave her a happy birthday call. It was good to talk with Granny and Pepere. It has been a long time since I last spoke with them. They are recovering from having Covid over Christmas. Granny turned 84 this year.

    I've got so much work to do. I just can't seem to get started. I need to finish my morning routines. That sets the tone for the whole day. I feel better after I do them. I am using hape' this morning. Gives me a boost. 

    I guess I better go get started.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day.

Hump Day

     It's Wednesday morning and it's going well so far. Caleb is on the bus to school. It is now 0705. I forgot to take my Genius Mushrooms and CBD today, but it will be ok. I am doing hape' to get in the mood to clean this house today. Yesterday I took a shower and went to Lowe's Foods and Food Lion and did some grocery shopping. I tried to not buy alot. I bought zucchini, yellow squash, and mushrooms to cook with the chuck roast I already had in the fridge. I made that for dinner. It was good. Carla came over at 1400 and we had a bible study together with Tyrone and a friend of theirs. I stayed busy yesterday for sure. 

    Today I need to focus on the house cleaning. I will start with the laundry again. I will then vacuum the hallway and prep it to be steam cleaned. I will see how I feel after I complete that. When I went to lie down yesterday, everything hurt. I had pain everywhere. Fibromyalgia is no joke. All I did was grocery shopping, but that meant moving the groceries in and out of the Mazda by myself. It was heavy stuff too. 

    Today I woke up tired. I am feeling better now that I have had my meds and supplements and hape'. Hape' makes a difference to me. 

    It was chilly and sprinkling while we waited outside for the bus this morning. The flashlight we use is dying and needs to be recharged. I saw no sign of the sun coming up this morning like I have the past 2 days. 

    I paid the bills yesterday, and now only have enough money to put gas in the Mazda. I am trying not to freak out. I won't have more money until the 20th. I think I have enough food until then. I will not be able to put more gas in the Mazda later though. I think I might have money available on my credit cards. I will have to check that out this morning. I need to know if I have any assets available to help us get through this month. 

    I hear the birds outside. I hear the traffic going by. It is getting lighter, but still no sign of the sun. I am happy to see that my mortgage payment went through. I need at least 2 more reviews on heal.me to have my business profile complete and visible in the searches. I have a friend who is willing to have me do a Reiki session for her. Nana is willing to do a session too. I just need to schedule them both.

    I haven't looked at my personal statement for my VA claim in awhile. I have been overwhelmed with work at home and the new schedule starts our day at 0530. We use to get up at 0700. It's a big shift. Now I am doing everything alone since Caleb is not here. It's alot quieter during the day without his computer, tv, and phone on in the background. Part of my depression was from empty nest syndrome. Part of it was from the lack on sunlight. Part of it was from grieving. Part of it was dealing with chronic body pains. I am trying everything in my power to figure out how to get around these pains. I have to be able to work around the house at a minimum. I have to prove to the VA that I cannot function right now. I need assistance. 

    I requested talk therapy through my psychiatrist at the VA. She is going to discuss it with her team. I am supposed to be using a light box. I have it here, but I am not sure it is plugged in. I will have to ask for Caleb's help when he gets home. 

    I don't know if I ever mentioned how hard it is for me to take a shower and get dressed. I managed to take a shower yesterday, and dress myself completely by myself. I was out of breath trying to get my compression tank top on. It took a long time for me to be able to pull it down over my breasts. It gets stuck on my shoulder blades and it makes it harder to pull down over me. I did it though. I usually have Caleb to pull it down in the back for me. It takes us less time when we work together, rather than I try to do it myself. 

    I have to schedule my showers, and I only take one a week. This is because of how it impacts my energy levels. I feel so done for the day after I take a shower. I just want to rest for the rest of the day. It was a big accomplishment to go out in the world yesterday and do anything. I actually did way more than I can usually do on a shower day. Once I take a shower, that's it for the day usually. I don't do anything else because I can't manage it. Also, I don't want to get dirty after I showered. 

    I use to be able to shower 2-3 times a day with no troubles. I can't anymore. I do manage to keep myself somewhat clean between showers with these tea tree oil wipes for face and body. I manage to keep my hair done usually too. I use a special hair grease that helps hair growth. I used it when I was in the Army and had to shower alot. It was damaging my hair, and I didn't like using gel or hairspray every time I had to do my hair. 

    I don't know if I will ever find a partner. I have been chatting with Nigel. I miss him. I wish he lived closer. We would probably get back together. We didn't have issues before I went to basic training. It was when I went to basic training and began calling my dad on Sundays when we were allowed to call for 10 minutes, instead of calling him. He wasn't giving me the support that my dad did. I needed to talk to my dad to get through what I was going through. He had a good idea of what I was going through because he went through basic training before. Nigel didn't. He had no clue how hard it was for me. I got injured with stress fractures in my hips and femur and was on crutches for 6 weeks. I needed to hear my dad, who was a Sergeant when he served, tell me how to keep my head up. Nigel told me to come home. I didn't want to give up though. He accused me of cheating on him. I wasn't cheating. I was calling my dad instead of him. 

    I'm so disabled these days. I have a long list of things wrong with me. I have another long list of medications that I am prescribed. I have an even longer list of supplements that I take to try to help me out. I need to practice Reiki daily. I have this new back stretch video set that I need to watch. I don't know if my dvd player works anymore though. 

    I need a new air fryer. The old one was recalled, so we got rid of it. I couldn't follow the instructions. Don't ask me why. I just couldn't. We ended up throwing the dangerous air fryer away. Caleb use to use it frequently. I would like to have it to cook some fish fillets. 

    Christinia's situation is looking up. We got my Volvo towed to a nearby auto shop to have the diagnostic work done to figure out what is keeping the car from staying on. She is getting help from a veteran organization near her. I might need to find out if they work over here too. I need help. She has been going through alot lately. I am so happy that she is getting the help she needs.

    Rachel is looking good with her sweet grandson in their photos. I am so happy for her. I love babies.

    My mom tried to send me money through Venmo but it went directly to the negative balance. I can't receive money in paypal or Venmo anymore. They both have large negative balances due the scammer I was dealing with. I thought I was going to make easy money, but I got scammed in the process. 

    I wish I could get my business up and running. I would love to help people with my training. The whole point was to help myself and then help others. I have to refresh my Revelation Breathwork training and Vocal Resonance Training. My memory is bad so I need to refresh frequently because I am not currently using those modalities on myself like I want to.  

    It looks alot lighter outside, but still no sunlight. 

    I still haven't done the rest of my morning routines. I still need to wash my face and brush my hair. I guess I should get going on that. I still have house work to do. It's not going to get done by itself, that's for sure!

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

Tuesday morning

     It's just a Tuesday morning. This morning went well with Caleb. I got paid today so I was able to pay the bills. It's not easy with things being so expensive these days. I worry all the time about how I am going to be able to buy groceries. My mortgage payment is going up due to not having enough money to pay the taxes and insurance. I am afraid of what that is going to do. It's not like I'm able to make money on the side. I'm trying but failing. 

    The woman I thought I was working with left me in alot of debt. She screwed me over. I'm now sure she is a scammer. I have debt in my paypal and venmo accounts. 

    Thank God the sun is shining today. I really need to see the sun everyday to have good days. I have been suffering with depression for the last week or so pretty badly. Yesterday I was able to get some laundry done. I was able to make dinner too. Those are big improvements. Sounds small, but if you only the changes that took effect for me to get them done, you would understand. 

    I have chronic lower back pain and pelvis pain. I am trying to work on a solution that is long lasting so that I can get my house cleaned up. I take kratom in the morning and that helps until about 1300 or so. I can't take more than one dose a day I found out by experimenting. So... at least I can work in the mornings without pain. 

    Nana uses belladonna for her pain. I might give it a try.

    I can't use the delta-8 products like I wanted because they make me want to sleep. 

    Reiki helps me sometimes. I haven't been practicing daily like I once was. 

    Caleb brought home a good grade in science yesterday! Yay Caleb!

    Carla is coming over today so I am trying to plan my day around that. I still have laundry to do. I have dishes to wash. I need to take a shower. I have alot of cleaning that needs to be done but don't know about my energy and pain levels. 

    I am just trying to figure out my new schedule now that Caleb is going to public school. It's a big shift for both of us. He is liking going to school. 

    Well, it is now 0855. I have taken my shower. I was able to get dressed by myself, which I can't always do. I have Caleb help me put on my compression tank top. It gets stuck on my shoulder blades. I was able to put it on by myself today!

    I am going to get the laundry going and then figure out what to do next. I have alot to get done. It is so beautiful outside today. I am so incredibly grateful. 

    Hape' is keeping me on a high note. I'm not high. I'm just not low either. With this depression I've been battling, I've been really low. Feels better when I use hape'.

    I don't feel like working, but if I don't do it, it won't get done. I might need to stand in the sun for a few minutes and recharge.

    I use to be able to call my dad any time of the day or night, and I would too. We would talk about all sorts of things. We would talk about what is going in the news, what is going with Caleb, how I am feeling and on and on. He was my source of comedic relief. He always had something funny to say that would make me laugh. I miss that the most about him. Now I am without my dad and it's not easy. He would coach me and give me motivation to get the things done that I need to get done. I still need my dad. 

    I do talk with Nana on a regular basis. I check in with her frequently throughout the day to get my head straight. I am glad she is here. I need someone to help me, even if it is only to talk through things. 

    I need to ask my psychiatrist for a therapy referral. I don't know if talk therapy will help me much, but I won't know until I try it. 

    I guess I will get going on the house cleaning. 

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

Just a different Saturday

     It is now 0928 on Saturday morning. I have been awake since 0700. I took my meds and gave Caleb his. We took a trip to Food Lion to buy some donuts. I binged on donuts. I hit the delta-8 vape after I took my meds. It makes me want to eat. I haven't been eating as usual lately. My depression gets in the way. I just want to sleep. I wish I could spend the day in bed with no worries. 

    Now that Caleb is home, we can clean up the house like I want to. I have to clean the kitchen, living room and hallway. Caleb needs to clean his room so I can clean the carpet. I need to get the laundry going. I need to clean up my room too. Nana needs help moving stuff around in her room. Both bathrooms need to be cleaned. My space at the table needs to be cleaned. I don't know where to start in order to be able to get as far as we can in this huge list of things to do. I think if I start the laundry that would be a step in the right direction. I need to collect the dishes that are everywhere and load the dishwasher to run it too. 

    I have so much I need to do. All I want to do is stay in bed. I didn't take the kratomade yet. I did hit the Mellow Fellow "Recover", "juicy fruit" delta-8 vape pen. 

    I remembered this morning that I purchased a new back wrap with light therapy and massage therapy options the other day. I was wondering if it had been shipped yet. It hasn't yet. That thing is going to be awesome because it is battery operated, instead of needing to be plugged in. That means I can use it to prevent my lower back pain while I am working.

    Part of the hardest part about keeping the house clean is my lower back and pelvis pain that is chronic. It hurts to stand or bend over. It's hard to squat. Alot of the chores that need to be done require me to those things. I'm far from being in shape. 

    I wonder where Caleb went. He is not in his usual place to hangout. He normally spends time in the living room with his Xbox turned on, his computer on, and his phone playing music. I bet he went back to sleep or something, He needs some coffee. We have work to get done, and I am determined to get it done.

    Well, it is now Monday morning. I never finished my blog on Saturday. I never got any work done on Saturday either. Sunday went better. I only used hape' and kratomade to help me with my pain and depression on top of using my meds. I was able to get started, but I was moving so slowly. I was able to get the laundry going first like I wanted. I then loaded the dishwasher and hand-washed some dishes. I supervised Caleb to take the trash outside to the bins. 

    Today was a good start day. I woke up 10 minutes before my first alarm. I had to use the bathroom. I remembered to weigh in. I got Caleb up so we could get ready to go to the bus stop. I gave him his meds, then took mine. My back is hurting so I went ahead and took a kratomade drink. I have to be able to clean up today. I have no appointments today, so I want to make the most of it. I have more laundry to wash. I still need to clean the kitchen. I just did some hape'. 

    Today's plan is to continue doing laundry. Work on the kitchen and living room to the best of my ability, and if I can vacuum and clean the hallway carpet. We shall see how it goes. 

    I was feeling better yesterday because the sun was out, and the day was beautiful. I managed to stay at home all day. 

    Saturday I had a sugar day. I went to Food Lion and bought doughnuts and cookies. I was able to buy krispy kreme doughnuts. I don't know what came over me, but I felt the need for sweets. Since I was having an off-diet day, we ordered Domino's pizza for dinner. I can't remember the last time I had Domino's. It was all tasty. 

    I hoped that Caleb and I would work on Saturday, but I used delta-8 and couldn't work while high. I felt so much better I thought I could work without pain, but I felt like relaxing in bed instead. I kept fighting the urge to go to bed, but eventually I gave up. I need a delta-8 that won't make me want to go to bed so I can work. Maybe I should just take a smaller hit. 

    Today we don't have any appointments, so I have no distractions from what I need to do here. It's nice and cold outside which helps me. I get so hot easily. I want to catch up on my house work so I can focus on my self-work. I have classes that I have purchased and want to actually take. I haven't started them because I haven't had the time to myself yet. Once I catch up and establish a new routine to keep things in order, I will be able to add to my schedule. I am working on what our baseline for living is. We need a clean house in order to function properly. 

    I want to be a Yoga Therapist among other things. I want to learn how to exercise my vagal nerve to release effects of trauma. I want to practice my Reiki every day. I want to practice Vocal Resonance Method every day too, along with Revelation Breathwork. I want to be confident in my practices before I offer them through my business. 

    I have to update my website again. I am an affiliate for the products I use frequently. I use the hape' from Four Visions Marketplace. I use the delta-8 from Mellow Fellow. I use the kratom drink powder from Kratomade. I need to write about how I use them and how they impact my days. 

    I want to spend time with my instruments too. I have an acoustic guitar that I have not even taken out of the box yet. I have crystal singing bowls. I have frame drums. I want to use them and become comfortable with them. I want to be able to make my own music one day.

     I'm getting ready to get moving. I have to complete my morning routines. Then I can begin cleaning.

    Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!

What to Do

     The question is what to do now. I have wasted the last several days. I spent them in bed for the most part. Monday was parent/teacher conference day. I was able to visit with 3 out of 4 of Caleb's teachers and got good reports from them all. The last teacher was on leave. Tuesday I slept until I had to go pick Caleb up for his appointment. I arrived about 1430, and got snapped at by the receptionist for picking FCaleb up so late, right before school lets out. I did not know that I was not allowed to pick Caleb up at the ned of the day before school lets out, but the receptionist was not happy about it. She was adamant that she told me that last time I was there. I have a bad memory, and she may have told me, and I just forgot it. In one ear and out the  other. I don't know. I don't deserve to be snapped at by someone who works at the school. I am a new mom for God's sake! Caleb just started school there at the beginning of January. 

    I picked Caleb up, and we left before all the traffic problems arose. I got Caleb to his 1530 appointment with his psychiatrist on time. It was aa long distance away, and I was worried that I did not leave enough time between picking Caleb up and getting to his appointment. The appointment went well, and actually we removed some of Caleb's prescriptions from his renewal list. He is no longer taking his night medications to help him sleep. He is also no longer taking his afternoon medications. He was having side effects of the afternoon medications that made Caleb feel sick. All is well, and Caleb does not have to be seen again by his psychiatrist for 2 months!

    Wednesday I did not go anywhere. I rested at home. There was no sunlight for the second or third day in a row. There is no sunshine today either. It is dark outside because of the cloud cover. I am struggling with depression and low back pain. I have been using delta-8 products by Mellow Fellow. I used the "Grease Monkey" delta-8 vape with success! It helped with my pain and I was able to relax. 

    Yesterday I tried taking the kratomade in the morning after I take my medications and supplements. I did some hape' too. I was trying to wake up. I was fighting my tiredness in a bad way. I was drinking my diet Mountain Dew like non-stop. Nothing was helping me position myself to be able to work on the house. The kratomade will help with the pain, and it will not let me fall asleep. The hape' helps too. I was just so tired. I am exhausted from even thinking about all this housework I have to do. I am tired from seeing it this way. Caleb came home yesterday and did not work on the house like I needed him to. He was tired from school. 

    Today we have no appointments. I do need to go to CVS to pick up Caleb's meds and a special item for Nana. I must have broken my Wolfnotch Suga Pro. It won't even charge anymore. I can't power it up. So now, I need a new watch. I liked the fitbit versa 2 that was gifted to me. It eventually broke apart, but I had it for several years. 

    Today I have to get things done. I am feeling better, even without the sun shining today. I used hape' as a pick me up. 

    I need to get work done around here. It was nice to be able to relax without the constant pressure to have it done already.

    I am going to check out my vaping supplies and medications first. Then I will get the laundry going. Then I can probably wash some dishes. I need to collect all the dishes from around the house. I don't know where our silverware has gone. It is always disappearing. 

    I still have to go to CVS. I might stop at Amsterdam Life to see about their mods that can replace what I already have. I have killed the batteries on these that I have. 

    I have been approved for the HISA grant to have accommodations made to my house. I need to follow up with that. I need to go to Wilmington to the VA to pick up the saliva sample supplies for my Endocrinology labs. I was sent a free living will and other documents to fill out. I am still working on my VA claim. I am still writing the personal statement to submit with my file. 

    I have so much to do and seemingly like no time to do it all. 

    I lost where I was. I got distracted by a surveyor coming onto the property into the backyard. I had to let the dogs out too. Then it started raining. 

    I have yet to look and see if I need to replace my e-cigarettes. The batteries are not staying charged for as long as they use to. 

    I feel better now. I am going to do more hape' and go take care of myself. I have not even brushed my hair nor washed my face yet and it's almost lunch time. 

    I am glad the dogs are quiet and peaceful now. Bubba was making a fuss to be let outside. 

    It hasn't been easy adjusting to Caleb's new schedule. I did not realize how much assistance he provides, and now he is at school all day. I need help to pick things off the floor. It hurts my back and pelvis to stand up, walk, or bend over.

    I have groceries to put away. I have trash to pick up. I have to vacuum the hallway before I can steam clean it. I need Caleb to plug in the vacuum for me. I then need him to plug in the steam cleaner for me. I need him to hand me the groceries from the bags on the floor. I need him to bring me the dirty dishes from everywhere so I can clean them. I need him to pick up the trash that is thrown everywhere. It is never-ending.

    I managed to take a shower on Monday before going to the parent/teacher conferences. I feel the need for another one since I have been dripping sweat over the last few days. I feel better now. I am not sweating, and do not feel so hot. I feel cooled off and it feels better. 

    I just did another round of hape'. I think the rain might have stopped so I can run out and check with Amsterdam Life if they have mods anymore, get water gallons from Food Lion, and go to CVS. I then can come home and begin the other work. This stuff happens first while the weather is cooperating.

    Tomorrow is another day of no appointments. I might make it the day that I go to the lab to pick up my supplies. I have to get those labs done. I have been procrastinating so badly because I hate doing them. 

    I need to do my hair before I go anywhere. I can't remember the last time I brushed my teeth either. It's been bad. Depression is awful. If you don't know what I'm going through, count yourself as blessed.

    I haven't been able to cook dinner lately. I finally did it yesterday night. I made a keto chili with ground beef, sweet onion, red, yellow, and orange bell pepper and zucchini and yellow squash. It turned out good. I'm glad I only made a small pot though. I have cabbage and other veggies I need to cook that I will cook the other pack of ground beef with. I also have enough to make hamburgers one night. I bought a chuck roast, but I don't know what I am going to do with it yet. I just know I'm cooking it in the crockpot. 

    I have all this stuff on my mind all the time. I just need a place to put it down so I can refer to it later. My memory problems are bad. I forget what I'm doing because there is always new stuff that needs to be done. I just need to give myself time to get it all out and done. It is never completely done. I am always working on something. 

    Caleb seems to be doing well at school so far. I am happy for him. I am happy he does not have homework and does his work at school. What a relief that is!

    I have some things I need to help Nana with. We still have not unloaded the truck so she can access her clothes. The battery is dead and I do not know where I put the battery charger. I was told not to charge the battery while it is connected to the vehicle. I have to take it out. I need tools for that too. I don't know where my tool kit is. I think it is on the porch or maybe in the shed. It could even be int he laundry room. Everything is so cluttered. I can't wait to get this mess cleaned up. I guess I just needed a few days in bed. I wish the sun was out. I have a sun light to use to combat my Seasonal Affective Disorder. 

    I just lost another nose stud. Ugh! Hape' requires that I clean my  nose and I always seem to lose the nose stud while cleaning my nose. 

    I miss my dad alot. Alot is going on in the world and I wish I had my dad to talk to about is going on the news. 

    I have been signing petitions to things I think are important. I have to get myself ready to file taxes. I already filed my annual report for my business. I didn't think I would be able to afford the fee. I managed it though. Times are tough. I am having trouble paying all my bills. I cannot afford to pay all my bills right now. Alot of my credit card bills are going unpaid just because I have to be able to buy groceries and gas. It's craziness. 

    I need to be able to devote time to my business. Right now, I am so busy doing other things that I cannot schedule anyone to do a Reiki session. I want to teach Nana so she can give herself Reiki whenever she needs. I need to schedule the time to train her though. It's so important. 

    I just realized the time. It is only 1017. I thought it was later. I am doing good on time today. I should go get ready to go out into the world. My hair is a mess. Ugh. I wish my house was already cleaned up. I don't know how I am going to manage cleaning it by myself. I am disabled to the point of needing help in just about everything I do. It sucks. I am only 40 years old, and here I am needing my son to do everything for me because I can't do it myself. Now he is at school 5 days a week, and I only have him around on nights and weekends. It's super hard to mange this all by myself. I wish other people understood how hard it is for me to keep up with everything that needs to be done. I cannot even imagine how other people manage to work full time and keep up with all the things I have going on. I feel so overwhelmed when I think about it. It makes it harder to get started. Hape' seems to help me. I just have to remember to use it. 

    The kratomade was helping my back and pelvis pain. It lasts from when I take it to the early afternoon. I did not take it this morning. I cannot take it in the afternoon because it will not allow me to fall asleep when I want to rest. My mind keeps going and it's impossible to sleep.

    I am still trying to keep up with Christinia. The Volvo needs to be seen by a mechanic and I have no money to spend. I don't know how we are going to get it fixed yet. Christinia is not working, She is looking for a job, but now has no car. She is going through alot with her sister too. I'm praying for her.

    I pray alot. When I try to rest, I ask God to take my troubles and transmute them into something good. I do need to get going though. I have been wasting enough time this morning. I am just taking my time for once. I am not rushing anything. I have got to learn to settle down and relax more often. 

    I still have this thing going on with Child Protective Services regarding the safety of my home. I am still waiting to hear good news about Arkansas getting Jamie McCurry's DNA test done. I don't know what is holding them up. I wish they would just get it done already.

    Caleb goes to high school next year and I am already worried about how that will be for him. I hope he transitions well. 

    I have to be going now. Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day!